Dating In the Dark: A Little Ants-y, A Little Dance-y

This week on DITD: Same old stuff. Although the contestants get to see each other’s houses on video, leading one girl to reveal her deepest, darkest, stupidest secret. Other than that, nothing’s changed. Well, maybe my tolerance level for this show, which is on a downward spiral.

Before we get underway, I just want to let you know that I’m trying out smaller pics so they don’t look so pixelated. So, they’ll probably not all be the same size. This won’t affect everyone, just you nit-picky bastards out there. Anyway. This week’s episode is brought to you by Lean Cuisine, as well as my waning interest. Rossi explains the setup – this show is EXACTLY the same each week, with the exception of the participants. And you know what? Not impressed. Let’s just get things started, mmkay?

“Who will sa-ee-ay-ave your soul?”

Jeff, come on down! He’s 23 and an aerospace engineer. Jeff says that girls are intimidated by him because he has BOTH a bachelor’s and a master’s in aerospace engineer and usually they break up with him. God, because all girls are, like, so dumb!

Would you like to hear a hilarious aerospace engineer joke? Yeah, I would too.

Amit, 29, is up next. And you know what? He’s pretty attractive, if you ask me. He grew up in Israel, where he was a nobody, but then he got to America and learned about working out

. . . and hair gel . . .

. . . and now he’s shackin’ up with all kinds of ladies. He’s an internet marketing consultant. I can’t make fun of that because I have no idea what the hell it is, really. He’s glad that he’ll be able to meet a girl based on her personality. You know, so then he can not meet her on the balcony because he won’t like the way she looks when he finally sees her.

Cormac is next. He’s 32 and a paramedic, so he’s reminded daily of how precious life is. Ugh, one of THOSE guys. “Let’s go watch the sunrise! Let’s go volunteer at the homeless shelter! Let’s adopt a lhasa apso!” To which I would reply, “Let’s go get me some Cold Stone. And by ‘let’s,’ I mean ‘YOU.’ Give me the remote and go get my damn ice cream.” He wants to find a girl who shares his zest for life!

No, Jughead, I’m not giving you 50 cents so you can get a cheeseburger at Pop Tate’s.

Onto the women! Finally. Shannon, 24, is the brand manager for a margarita company. Her parents have been married for 34 years. Mine have been married for 40. Suck on THAT, Shannon! So she wants to get married. Like now. Today, if possible. She likes old-fashioned guys who open the door for her.

And lie to her face when she asks if she looks fat in a pair of jeans. You know, a real gentleman.

Misty is 35 and owns her own marketing company. I guess she’s looking for a goofy guy or something. I’m willing to bet that her age is a deal breaker with all the guys.

Erykah BaDon’t

Our last player in tonight’s game of what ABC loosely calls “entertainment” is Kelly, 25, a product coordinator slash waitress. She says that she’s not a relationship person, and “half the time [she] wasn’t attracted to the guy” she was dating, but it turned into attraction eventually. Huh? Why would you continue to date someone you weren’t attracted to? That’s like waiting around to see if a dog turd will turn into a birthday cake. And you know what? Go ahead and stick some candles in that shit, but it’s still gonna taste like a steaming pile of dog doo. I should totally write greeting cards.

“Hi, I’m a product coordinator *cough* telemarketer *cough*.”

Now the fun can begin. Whhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeee kill me now. Rossi explains to everyone how this whole thing works. Everyone is like, “Oh, wow, that’s so awesome and quirky!” Lame. Time for the group date. The girls decide not to say anything when the guys enter. It would have been so awesome if they would have yelled and scared the shit out of the guys. It really would have. But they just giggle. Why do the women become so girly when they’re in the Dark Room? It just goes to further my 13 Going on Idiot theory about the DR.

Dude, all the girls and guys scream with laughter like it’s the funniest thing they’ve ever heard. Maybe things are funnier in the dark room. I highly doubt it. Amit and Misty talk about boxing, Jeff says he loves snowboarding, Shannon loves dancing, Kelly loves surfing. Cormac says the most romantic thing he’s ever done for a girl is write and perform a song for her. Kelly likes that because a guy did that for her before. Everyone had a good time! Except for the people watching this show.

Hey guys, during the online commercial I answered the Lean Cuisine trivia challenge question correctly! It totally WAS bacon alfredo pizza! This is the best day!

Until now. We’re back. So this week’s gimmick is a video tour of the contestants’ houses. Misty is first. It’s really clean, like a hotel (as someone on the show says). It’s too clean. It’s too organized. She must live with a gay guy. Also, this is hanging on one of the doors:

She may be a serial killer, but at least she’s a good shot.

Amit’s house is full of big rooms and flowery rugs, and the girls are like, “Does he live with his parents?” Then they see a room that appears to be in a basement, with mismatched furniture and one of those big chairs shaped like a hand, and they’re all, oh yeah, he totally lives with his parents. I forgot what Amit said he does, but times are hard, y’all. In two weeks I’LL be living with my parents, so I am reserving judgement on this one. Except for the hand chair. I will judge that. Harshly. Kelly’s place looks really bright and cozy, and the kitchen is full of baked goods. The girls think Jeff’s house is a kind of feminine.

Kind of REALLY feminine.

But Shannon likes sensitive guys. Oh man, Shannon’s apartment? It’s seriously like that first apartment you had your junior year of college when you finally got to move off campus. I don’t know, maybe it’s rent-controlled and she only pays like $250 a month or something. And Shannon? Not really the neatest person.

Kind of REALLY not the neatest person.

Also, she has ants. In her pants! No, not really in her pants. Just in her sink at home. Cormac’s place is a total bachelor pad. And now it’s time for individual dates in the DR.

Amit and Misty invited each other. Amit asks her why she chose him, and says they had chemistry. She then brings up the target in her room, telling him that it was a nice stress release. She asks him who he lives with, apparently it’s the guest house of one of his bosses. Ah, the plot thickens. I am so glad that those mysteries are solved because I was on the edge of my seat. Then they feel each other up, because that’s what you do in the DR.

Next up is Cormac and Shannon. Cormac asks her about the ants and she’s all, I used to kill them but then I felt guilty and now I don’t kill them and I’m one with the ants and they’re my pets. Which is really just a long way of saying, “I’m lazy, dude.” Look, I’m down with insects. Hell, I’ll even let a moth out the door instead of smashing it with a rolled up Reader’s Digest. But Shannon, sweetie? You CANNOT live with ants. That is ridiculous. And you know what? I’d break up with someone who insisted on not killing them. Ten bucks says PETA gives Shannon some sort of media shout-out this week. Oy. Cormac interviews that Shannon is more “bubbly” and “cheerleader-ish” than the girl he’s looking for. Translation: He’s seen throw pillows with more depth.

Shannon and Jeff are up next. Jeff chose Shannon for a date. He asks her how much she pays to get her hair did. $15, she says. Jeff actually says, “Hells yeah!” in an un-ironic way. Seriously, who does that? This causes Shannon to throw her head back and laugh in a way that sets feminism back at least 30 years.

Please God, just make it stop.

Kelly and Cormac chose each other. Cormac looks really funny talking to Kelly in the DR, because he’s completely serious and intense, but he can’t see her, so he doesn’t really know where to speak or look or flail. Well, not REALLY funny. Kind of funny. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s not funny at all. You’re welcome for wasting your time with that. He’s all, “Kelly, I’m going to get to KNOW you! In ways that could never ever be reproduced with anyone else again.”

“You mean, like . . . in the vagina?”

The guys break out the champagne and Cormac gives absolutely the worst toast I’ve ever heard in my life. One so horribly bad that, if I ever hear it in person, I will throw my glass against the wall and run out the door, screaming in a fit of Hulk-like rage. Here it is: “Here’s to fire – not the fast and furious kind that burns down shacks and shanties, but the slow, seductive kind that takes down pants and panties.” And the way Cormac says it just really makes me give up all hope of humanity. That’s it, people. This is the moment. I have no faith in the human race. And this is what broke me. A not-even close to mediocre reality show stolen from the Dutch. So. There you go. This is the end.

Oh, fine, I’ll wait til the end of the recap you greedy Hypnotoad-loving bitches! It’s the time of the show when everyone dates someone other than the person they chose. Jeff and Misty date, and Jeff talks a lot about what he likes, which is mainly himself. Amit and Kelly have nothing to say to each other. Cormac and Misty have nothing to say to each other. After that, Rossi brings us to the compatibility part of the show: Kelly/Cormac, Misty/Amit, Shannon/Jeff.

Oh, hey, it’s time for this week’s RFM – Raw Fruit Moment! Jeff is bringing strawberries and apples to Shannon, and he wants to feed them to her. How original. You know what I’d do? I’d ask if it was okay if I threw chucked them as hard as I could in the dark in all directions. Jeff feeds Shannon some chocolate and she needs a towel because apparently she just had an orgasm. “MMMMM!” she says breathily, breasts heaving ever so slightly, her head tilted upward, exposing her swan-like neck. Man, I am so annoyed by Shannon’s octave-higher flirty voice. Jeff has a band-aid on his finger and Shannon kisses it, and Jeff interviews that this “showed she cared.” When he goes back in to see the other guys, he has lipstick all over his face.

Is this from one of those “Rainbow Parties” that Oprah was talking about?

Amit and Misty are next. Because of the Extremely Stupid Objects Clause in her contract, Misty has brought along a hula hoop. And then they box.

“Who owns your kidneys now, bitch?!”

Cormac and Kelly. Cormac is bringing his guitar to sing Kelly a song he wrote. The song is, I think, about “fire” and “getting it right this time” and “I’ll be back in a little while.” Meh. It’s not great, but it sure beats anything by Jewel, who brought us this kernel of wisdom: “My hands are small, I know. But they’re not yours. They are my own.” Think about it, won’t you? They talk about kissing, but they don’t actually kiss because Cormac doesn’t push the issue. Wow, this is the first episode where the people actually act their age and not like horny pre-teens having a party while their parents are at the Elk’s Club annual Valentine’s Day pancake and country-fried steak feed.

It’s time for the final date, and this week there’s a theme to the date. Oh, I hope the theme is Cancellation Night! But alas, no, it’s “Dancing In the Dark.” Oy. So when they get to the dark room there will be music. And passion. Cuz it’s always in fashion. Kelly and Cormac invited each other, so did Shannon and Jeff, and Amit and Misty.

Shannon and Jeff are up first, and Jeff is like, I want to learn salsa dancing. Somehow, salsa music starts playing magically. I think the producers were hoping that this dancing in the dark thing would lend itself to some hilarious moments. Clearly, they were wrong. Then Jeff tries a little dance called the Dry Hump, but Shannon’s not impressed because she’s a “good Catholic girl,” which I believe is code for “usually I’d get you drunk on free margaritas and then let you take me home with you but I think my parents are going to be watching this.” Shannon thinks Jeff is a little aggressive.

Next we have Amit and Misty. When they get to the DR, some R&B elevator music circa 1995 starts playing. Seriously, what the hell is this? Are they gonna jam out to some Bel Biv Devoe in a second? Way to stay current, DITD. Amit interviews that there’s good energy in the room when they’re together. Misty interviews that she may be too tall for Amit. Tall, schmall, look at those pecs, girl! Amit is kind of hot – like a slightly taller, Israeli Seth Green. There, I said it. You may not agree with me, but you’re not the one writing this recap, so there.

Cormac and Kelly. More boring dancing from boring people. I think these two will meet on the balcony. Cormac says he wants to kiss her, so they do. Cormac interviews that he’s excited to see her. Cormac’s a bad dancer.

Oh, dip, kids, they’re bringing back the sketch artists. So the girls describe what they think the guys look like to the sketch artist and the guys do the same. Shannon says that Jeff’s drawing looks like Chris from N*Sync, so I guess they’re using the same sketch artist for the girls from last time. Unless Shannon meant that she HOPES Jeff looks like Chris from N*Sync, in which case — ew. So then they trade drawings.

Apparently, Jeff thinks Shannon is the Buffybot.

Again, all the guys’ drawings look absolutely nothing like them. At all. And this time, the girls’ drawings are . . . they’re just not even close. So, who’s to blame? The men and women for being dumb and giving the sketch artists instructions like, I think Kelly’s eyes have seen a lot of sky? Or the sketch artists for sucking? I could go either way, but mostly, I don’t care.

Apparently, Cormac thinks Kelly’s gonna cut you, bitch.

It’s the day of seeing people in the light. Again, they get to invite who they want to see, and again, it’s the same people they were dating the day before. Jeff and Shannon are up first. Shannon interviews that Jeff is nice, but too aggressive. Shannon’s light comes on first, and Jeff smiles and laughs. Then Jeff’s light comes on and Shannon smiles and shakes her head. She reports back to the girls that he’s adorable. Also, she’s crying. Yeah, I know. The guys ask if Jeff would talk to her at a bar, and he says he definitely would. I think Shannon would too, although she’d probably start the conversation with, “Have you tried Jose Cuervo brand margarita drinks? They light up the night!”

Misty and Amit are up now. Amit’s light comes up, and Misty is, shall we say, less than impressed. She honestly looks like she’s about to vomit all over the dark room. Then Misty’s light comes up and Amit is, I guess mildly impressed. Amit says he’s not sure, and Misty says the same thing. Misty’s still hung up on height. And once again, I wonder why these people don’t talk about these kind of things earlier. You know, this show likes to praise itself on the whole getting-to-know-people-through-personality thing, but when it comes down to it, the people on here don’t communicate. Maybe with the exception of last week. They talk about dumb shit, and then feed each other strawberries, and then make out. Point is, Misty should have told Amit that she likes guys who are taller and that it could be a deal breaker instead of saying nothing and then getting his hopes up for a balcony meet or something. Sorry – I’ll be funny in the next paragraph. I swear.

Maybe. Kelly and Cormac are next. Kelly’s light is on first. Cormac likey. Cormac’s light comes on, and Kelly kind of likey. Kelly tells the girls that Kelly’s mom would like him, and he’s “pretty,” but she doesn’t like pretty boys. Yeah, so I promised to be funny here, but Cormac and Kelly are giving me nothing to work with.

So. Who will be meeting who on the balcony? Jeff decides to go up to the balcony to meet Shannon, who interviews that before she saw Jeff she wasn’t going to meet him because he came on too strong, but now that she’s seen him, she’s thinking otherwise. So, the lesson here is that looks matter. Basically. Which we already knew. Obviously. Crappy synthesizer music plays, Jeff waits, and Shannon walks out the front door of the house, bag in tow. You know what would be awesome? If someone walked out the front door and totally flipped the person off on the balcony. Or the person on the balcony yelled, “Fuck you, a-hole! I’m telling everyone you gave me a handy j in the dark room!” I’d do that if I was on the show. Shannon says Jeff came on too strong and that’s why she didn’t meet him. Jeff thinks he might have been too forward for Shannon.

Amit interviews that he’s dated all sorts of girls, “tall, short, yellow, blue, Asian,” and the fact that Misty’s black isn’t a big deal to him.

Blue, huh?

I still think Amit’s hot, but he seems a little intense. Not that that matters when his shirt’s off. That’s right – I’ve learned nothing from this show, people. Amit says that he hopes she’ll meet him on the veranda because of their dates and how their personalities meshed. Again, Misty mentions the height issue. To everyone but Amit. To no one’s surprise, Misty walks out the front door. She doesn’t want to seem like a cruel person, but she can’t get over the height thing. Poor Amit says he feels judged like he did when he was a kid, but it’s okay, because he’ll find someone out there who likes him for his personality. If it helps Amit, I’d like to see you with your shirt off. Repeatedly.

Cormac says he’ll be sad if Kelly doesn’t meet him. Kelly’s torn because he’s physically not her type, but she had fun on their dates. But she meets him on the balcony anyway. She says it was a good experience getting to know him. They’re off in a car and as for tomorrow, who knows? I do. They’ll go to LAX and get on different planes to completely different cities and exchange a few phone calls that will turn into emails that will turn into nothing. I guess I’m just a romantic at heart. This week, no one says to go to the ABC website to find out if they’re still dating, so I guess they caught on that they’ve been lying to us for 3 weeks. And in case you’re keeping score: 6 girls have walked out on guys, and 1 guy has walked out on a girl. Discuss.

Next Week: Do you really need to ask? And do I really want to care?