Dating In the Dark: No One to Blatantly Hate? That’s Just Sad.

This week on DITD: 6 more singles try to answer the age-old question: How much more of this crap can a recapper take? It’s the same old same-old, but this week the contestants look through each others’ cars to get a glimpse of his/her personality. Also, no one brings fruit to the DR! I know!

Although someone has a box of condoms. In the cup holder. Of his car.

Okay, peeps. I’m in the midst of packing alllllllll my shit up and moving 2 states away, so this is going to be a short, nuts-and-bolts type of recap. Probably more nuts than bolts cuz we all know how this show rolls! Let’s get it started in here.

Tonight’s contestants:

Dion, a photographer, 37. He’s gone from woman to woman, and from penicillin to pubic lice shampoo, but is ready to settle down and get married. He’s excited because on this show he can meet someone based on personality. And then she’ll reject him. Look, I’m not making a blind statement — look at this show’s track record! The guys are ALWAYS willing to meet on the balcony, and the girls ALWAYS reject. And by “always” I mean “usually.”

Party of Five called. It wants it’s early-90s hair back.

Leo, 26, graphic designer and “hardcore nerd.” He wants to find a nice girl, and it wouldn’t hurt if she was into all the nerdy stuff he’s into. I’m interested to find out what constitutes him as a nerd. According to Hypnotoad’s Levels of Nerd-ness: Harry Potter is only very slightly nerdy, and kind of cool, but Lord of the Rings? Full on Nerd-ness with an extremely high factor of dork. Don’t even get me started on World of Warcraft, people, because that is such a high factor of nerd that it can be seen from space.

Chris Gaines called. He wants his late-90s hair back.

Malek is 29, and he’s a teacher and a musician. Malek is from Tunisia. He says his looks help him get dates, but as a Muslim, he’s always being judged. Welcome to America, dude. He’s excited to be on the show or something.

Jacket + belt + collar = NO, okay? Just NO.

Lisa is 39 and is a divorcee. Ooooohhh, interesting. You know, as interesting as this show gets. Which is not very. She doesn’t say what she does for work, so I’m guessing she went to college and got a degree in English, then married for money, and did absolutely nothing except maybe plan a breast cancer awareness barbecue or something. She says her looks help her find men, but she’s ready to find someone based on personality. Where have I heard that before? Oh, right, from EVERYONE IN EVERY EPISODE OF THIS SHOW.

Paula Abdul + Cindy Crawford = Her.

Tanya is 24 and an executive assistant. She’s a little scared because she says that guys are attracted to her personality first, and “the looks come after.” Well, Tanya, frankly you shouldn’t be scared, because, well, that’s pretty much the whole concept of this show, mmkay Tannie Sue? Tanya seems very sweet and sincere and not so dumb, and so far I really don’t have anything to work with yet, so here’s a picture of her.

“Don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll give you something soon.”

Tawny is 29 and, of course, a bartender. Because when your parents name you “Tawny,” your career choices are kind of limited.

Case in point.

Tawny totally smokes and takes numerous whiskey shots with all the patrons when she works. She says she needs someone who won’t let her walk all over him because she WILL walk all over a guy. Which leads me to believe she wants exactly the opposite here, because she LIKES walking all over guys.

Yeah, total smoker lines. Total.

Group date! Tawny manipulates the conversation in the beginning, and we are not surprised, are we? Nor are we amused. She’s all, I’m crazy! I need a man that’s as strong as me! Don’t make me walk all over you! Dion says she’s a little too “boisterous.” Well, that’s one way of saying it, Dion. Malek says he’s a musician and teaches French, Italian, and Arabic. Oh, and he speaks Spanish. Tanya likey. She also tells Leo not to hide his nerdish leanings. The girls discuss the guys, the guys discuss the girls.

This episode’s gimmick is that everyone gets to go through each others’ cars. The girls go first. Dion’s car is clean and has camera stuff, and a volleyball. Booooorrrring! Leo’s car is a bit scratched and dented, and he has these weird goggles and in the trunk is some sort of . . . bomb? Motor? Tanya says it’s a Ghostbusters pack! Ha ha! Awesome.

Who you gonna call? Steve McPherson, President of ABC. I believe we have a complaint about your programming, sir.

Tanya says she was weirded out by everything in Leo’s car. Malek has condoms in his car. Like, right there. In the cup holder, as if he has sex constantly, including at stop lights and in traffic, and at the drive-thru at In-N-Out Burger.

On to the girls’ cars. Lisa has sweats, gum, and mints, a bunch of business cards for skin care and massages and crap. And somehow, Dion finds this attractive. Tanya has journals, notebooks, and music in her car. Malek likes this. Tawny has boxes of Parliament Lights (called it!) and slutty boots in her car. So now it’s time for the peeps to choose who they want to date in the DR. Thrilling.

Dion and Lisa chose each other. They talk about travel. Lisa wants to see the world, and so does Dion. Dion asks to hold hands, and so they do, and it takes like half an hour for him to find the door to get out.

Malek invited Tanya to the DR. She immediately asks Malek about the condoms in the cup holder. Malek likes that she is straight-forward, and she thinks he’s nice and sweet. He doesn’t really say much about the condoms except that he uses protection but he’s not “that kind of guy.” You know, the kind of guy who likes to do it in the Applebee’s parking lot. Leo also invited Tanya to the DR and he immediately asks her if she’s a good kisser, and she’s like, whoa, back off dude, I’m not going to kiss you now! He agrees, but he wants to fast-track the mack and smack.

. . . and then run me over with it and put me out of my misery.

No one invited Tawny (awww!) but she invited Leo to the DR. He asks her if she likes a guy who’s in control, and she says something about slow-dancing. I don’t get it, but whatever. So of course this leads them to slow dancing in the DR. They both say the date went awesomely.

Let’s see who’s compatible! You know who’s NOT compatible? Me and this show. Tawny/Dion, Lisa/Malek, Tanya/Leo. Tawny and Dion are up first and Tawny talks. And then she talks. And then she talks some more. About how intimidating she is. And she’s totally right. Just not in the way she thinks. Malek and Lisa are next, and there’s no chemistry. Leo and Tanya are in the DR, and it’s so awkward it’s painful.

So Lisa and Dion decide to date each other and talk about their families and it turns out that both their dads died when they were young, and Lisa mentions how she wants her kids to have a dad. I’m thinking that she’s mentioned having kids before because Dion doesn’t freak out. Which is the total opposite of what I’d do. I’d be like, “Ooohh, ouch, so you have kids. Yeah. Um, I don’t want to say that this won’t work out, so . . . ” and then I’d just leave without finishing the sentence. Dion says he’s “keeping his eye open” for the situation. Um, you’re in the dark room, Dion, so go ahead and keep that eye open, but you ain’t gonna see shit.

Tawny chose Leo again. She asks Leo to “show” her his favorite dance move. (Mine is the Shopping Cart). Leo gets all nervous and is like, I don’t know what to do, even when Tawny tells him to do the Running Man, which no one has done since they were in junior high in ’92-’94ish. Unless I’m drunk. Then she does the Running Man. Lame. Based on his hesitation to dance, Tawny is less sure about Leo. These two will either never last more than one date, or they will become that couple that makes everyone go, “Whhaaa? How does THAT work out?” Like the way people react when they see me with Daniel Craig. It just works, people, okay? Mostly because I’m a dynamo in the sack.

“No, I moved. My crotch is over here now.”

Tanya invited Malek again, and asks Malek what kind of music he performs. He says it’s a little bit of everything — reggae and hip hop. Yeah, that’s not everything, that’s two. Tanya says she went to school for musical theatre. Lucrative! He shows her a different way to hug . . . which looks like the same way everyone hugs. Tanya tells the girls that Malek is sweet.

It’s time for the final dates, and it’s ladies’ choice — they choose who they want to date, and the guys just have to deal with it. Lisa invites Dion, and she wants to know if she turned out to be an ugmo, would he still want to go out with her? He replies that looks would probably change the feeling that he has right now. Oh, I guess Lisa is a “designer.” At least that’s what the caption tells me. They feel each others’ faces and junk, and then they kiss. Dion totally wants to get all frenchy on her face, but it doesn’t work out that way. Lisa says she’s ready to see Dion in the light.

Tanya chose Malek, and she asks him to say something romantic to her in Arabic, so he pulls her over and whispers something in her ear, which translates to: “You’re a very beautiful person inside and out.” No, I don’t know Arabic. That’s what the caption said. Honestly, Malek could have said, “I make love to kitchen appliances and want to have the toaster’s baby” in Arabic and I still wouldn’t have cared, because the way he sounds when he speaks Arabic? Instant boner, y’all. Needless to say, Tanya melts like drawn butter at Red Lobster. Tanya hopes in an interview that her personality is enough to make Malek choose her. Well, from the way he’s rubbing up on her in the DR, I’m assuming he’s already made up his mind.

Don’t care, just do me and don’t stop talking.

Tawny chose Leo again. They do shots of some kind of liquor in the DR. Tawny tells Leo she’s not sure if connections are being made, but interests are piqued. I guess she’s just. Not. That. Into him. Now.

Oh, crap, it’s time for the possibly-just-adequate sketch artists to do their thang. I’m still torn as to whether they can’t draw that well based on description, or if the contestants just aren’t that good at describing people they’ve only felt and not seen. To be fair, I’m sure the sketch artists usually draw based on descriptions from people who have actually seen the other people who beat the crap out of them and steal their wallets. Or maybe they just suck. Anyhoozlebees, I think Leo has the terms “sketch” and “caricature” mixed up, because he’s all, Tawny “needs a little hat and it needs to say ‘Party Time’ and it needs to have confetti.” Okay. Then maybe put her on roller skates. Everybody loves roller skatin’. Are the contestants not allowed to ask each other their hair color and what-not? Because Dion’s like, “I think Lisa has blonde hair.” I’d want to get all the physical details I could get. Hey — if Amit or Leni are still reading this, let me know. Or maybe we’ll get lucky and someone from this episode will comment on that.

It’s time to see how everyone looks on paper. No one looks ridiculous in the drawings, but no one looks like they really do in real life, either. Dion’s all, the drawing-me “kind of looks like a toolbox, and I don’t want to be that guy.” Yeah, you’re just a little too late for that, toolie. And hey guys, do you remember your elementary school gym teacher?

Cuz apparently, that’s who Leo is.

Methinks the sketch artist may get some of his inspiration from Tom of Finland, but whatevs. If you don’t know who that is, and you google it, and maybe your safe search filter is off, then just . . . don’t say I didn’t warn you.

It’s light time! Lisa and Dion ask to see each other, as do Malek and Tanya. Leo asks Tawny, but she’s unsure of whether or not to continue as their connection’s not there any more for her. Everyone’s nervous, except me, who’s just nasueous. Lisa voice overs that she “wasn’t even this nervous on her wedding day.” Oh, dip, take THAT, Lisa’s ex-husband! Her light comes up and Dion likey. Man, Dion is such a dork, right? His light comes up and Lisa sorta likey. Dion tells the guys that she’s gorgeous, and Lisa talks to Tanya about how Dion is cute and stuff. You know what? I can totally see Lisa and Tanya getting a drink together after this. But not at Tawny’s bar. Something tells me her bar ain’t the kind of place that’s gonna make you a cosmo. Lisa says that she’s gonna need some time to think about it, since he’s not the kind of guy she’d usually see in public and then go for.

So, now, Tawny is on the couch with the girls, crying, and saying how she just didn’t feel a connection to anyone, and how Leo is probably more of a friend, and how it’s hard, because she doesn’t want to lead him on. The question is, will she go into the dark/light room or what? And the other question is, how come not one person this week is completely and totally bugging the shit out of me? I don’t get it. Leo waits in the dark room. And he waits. And then the light comes up, and this is what he sees:

“You’re a bit thinner than I imagined, but we can work around that.”

Now that was just cruel, ABC. And hilarious!! Yeah, I feel bad for Leo, but as heartbreaks go, this one is realtively minor. And hilarious!! And I’m gonna give props to Tawny for not leading him on and letting him know that there may not necessarily be a connection. But once again – the guy was willing but the girl wasn’t. I’m not sure what that means yet, this track record. Discuss. Leo says he’s frustrated and thinks maybe everything was a waste of time. Funny, I’ve been saying that since episode one! Tawny interviews that it wasn’t fair to either of them to waste their time if there wasn’t a connection, and she says that Leo is a great guy who will meet a great girl because he deserves it. Which is kind of nice. Kind of. Leo interviews that he learned a lot about himself. And so did we, the viewers. All 5 of us. We learned that ABC should never steal another idea from the Dutch.

Tanya is freaking out about meeting Malek!! Malek chose to wear his silly belt-collar jacket. If I were in that room, it wouldn’t be so much the way Malek looks that would turn me off, but that jacket, man. I’d take one look at it and scream like those pod people in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

“Your jacket! Noooooooooooo!!!”

Malek’s light comes up and I’m having a very hard time reading Tanya’s reaction. Tanya’s light comes on and I’m having a very hard time reading Malek’s reaction, but I think he’s into her. Tanya tells Lisa that he was cute but has issues with the receding hair line, and Malek tells Dion (oh yeah – I guess they made Leo leave, which is weird) that Tanya has some curves. Thank god he didn’t use the word “thick.” Oy. Malek says that he went with the experiment and “dissasociated body from soul,” which, if somebody said to me, I would probably pour my drink in his face. Because I always have a martini in my hand. It’s just good sense, really. Anyway, Tanya goes on to say that she wasn’t really digging Malek’s scarf, the frilly “pashmina” he had around his neck. Ha! She does not comment on the jacket, though. She adds that he’s good looking, but she’s not sure if he’s her type exactly.

Malek chooses to meet Tanya on the balcony. Will she or won’t she? She doesn’t! I totally thought she would! That makes me a little bit sad. I thought these two hit it off. I mean, as much as you can on this show. Which is not much at all. Malek looks sad. Tanya says that she’s learning that looks matter, and she’s sad that she hurt someone. That’s disappointing. But, just par for the course on this show!

Dion waits on the balcony. Will Lisa show up? Yeah, she will. So, good for them. Lisa says that if they can connect in the dark, then being out every day will be easy. She says that she may have found her perfect match. Awwwwww! Kill me. Are they still together? We’ll never know, because ABC doesn’t want us to.

Well, that’s it! My apologies if this recap isn’t up to my usual snuff, but packing and moving is a big fat bitch, y’all. See you next week!

Next week: Aw, is it time for the last episode already? Yeah. It is. And it was time 5 episodes ago.