Dating In the Dark: If You’re Going to the Dark Room, Be Sure to Wear a Hideous Flower In Your Hair

Here it is, kids. The last episode of this season (by which I mean, series). Are you sad? I know I am. Sad that this travesty has made it thus far AND that it’s done so well in the ratings.

“Ass . . . so far . . . away . . . from hand . . .”

Sorry this is so late guys. I had to move all my crap from Chicago to Kansas this week, and things have been so up in the air, and will be for a while. Thank god this whore of a show is over this week, eh?

The contestants:

Matt is 32 and a restaurant manager. He’s also “looking for the mother of his children.” Wait, he doesn’t know who mothered his kids? That’s kind of weird. Kind of really weird. Those poor motherless bastards. He’s “hopeful, anxious, trepidatious.” He wants to settle down and have kids, like, RIGHT NOW. This weekend, preferably.

If Desperation were a cologne, this is what it would smell like.

Jose teaches music at a middle school, and he’s 30. He’s a nice guy, and says he doesn’t have “any game.” Lots of girls have been like, “You’re my best friend,” to Jose, so he wants to be the boyfriend, not the best friend. It’s my opinion that people who things like, “You’re more of a friend to me,” or “We’re just better off as friends” really mean this: “You’re horrible at sex.”

Also, I believe Barack Obama and The Rock and Jon from Jon and Kate Plus 8 had a child together.

Jeff is a server/bartender, and he’s divorced. There you go ladies — someone in the service industry who pays alimony. Ding ding ding jackpot! Thank god he’s kind of cute in that dorky-sexy way. Jeff is prematurely gray, like me, so we’re not going to make fun of that. At all. Probably. He usually dates hot women, and then says that even though you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, if a book has a “flashy” cover, you really want to open it up and take a look at it. “Don’t you?” he asks us.

Also, I believe Kevin Bacon and Steve-O had a child together.

Deanne is 27 and she’s a “freelance TV news reporter,” whatever the hell that means. I think it means that she gets coffee for people. She says that 27 is “the freak-out age” because she’s ready to settle down and have kids, like RIGHT NOW, so she can be the “utlimate soccer mom.” Well, since Matt and Deanne have so much in common already, I’m sure they won’t end up with each other.

Zen and the Art of the Mrs. Brady Hair Flip

Renee’s 28, she designs jewelry, and has nothing intelligent to say. For example: “What if I meet these guys in the dark room and I like them, but they don’t really like me? That would suck.” You know what else would suck? Having to watch all 6 of these episodes every week. I know you’re tired of me complaining, but I just don’t care.

“What if I didn’t put some big ass obnoxious thing in my hair? That would suck.”

Gina is 24 and a yoga teacher, and she says she’s fiery and passionate because she’s Italian. Apparently the editors don’t think she’s interesting because she doesn’t get to say much else.

Um, I’ll be the judge of that, DIDT staff.

Rossi gives us the skinny again. God I’m so sick of him. He has the second easiest job in the world. I bet he and Ryan Seacrest take bathes together in champagne while eating foie gras and laugh and laugh about the millions they rake in for doing nothing but act like tools. I can’t help but wonder what’s in store for Rossi after this show is over.

Cocaine, that’s what.

Group date time! Wheeeeeeeeee stab me in the eye. The girls enter first this time. Has that happened before? They’re sitting on the opposite side – they guys side. That’s just wrong. Jeff has this really great idea of bringing heart-shaped chocolates to the girls. Oddly, none of the guys think this is massively inane and douche-y. The guys say they have a surprise and are like, reach out and try to grab it. C’mon ladies, just touch it, just give it a little tug. Introductions are made, and Renee likes the sound of Jose’s voice, and I hate that she likes to put big-ass flowery things in her hair. It’s like she watched that season of Sex and the City where Carrie wore some stupid huge flower on her shirt for like half the season and then tried to copy that. Except on her head. Deanne says she is a newsanchor, and Jeff’s like, I married one. Awkward. But not as awkward as what happens next. Gina’s introducing herself, talking about herself a little, and Renee’s like, “Apparently it’s all about Gina right now.” And then Renee throws her candy at Gina and surprisingly, it hits her in the head. Renee’s all, I was just kidding! And Gina’s like, don’t touch me. And you know what? We’re not going to like Renee from now on. It’s on, bitch, and it was on the minute your rude ass threw that piece of shit candy. Finally! Someone to completely hate on this show! Gina gets embarrassed, and Renee’s like, “She hates me now.” Yeah, and so do I. Suck it, Renee. Back in the guys’ area, Jose likes that Gina stuck up for herself. Jeff hated her reaction, Matt liked it.

So this week’s “thing” is psychological profiling. Dude, I totally hope that someone gets pegged as a sociopath. And by “someone,” I mean “Renee,” because she totally is one. Rossi brings in his “friend” Jack McWeirdLastName who was a FBI psychological profiler.

And he’s super-psyched to be on this show.

Jack’s gonna profile the girls and tell the guys what he finds out, and vice versa. Jack asks questions like, “Would you rather have money or great looks?” Matt says money, Jeff says looks (I think we can all agree that Jeff is totally full of himself) and Gina gives the answer that I would totally give: “If you have money, you can buy great looks.” Word. I wish he’d ask questions like, “What the hell are you doing on this piece of crap show?” Or, “Would you like to take me to Victoria’s Secret and then take a bath in Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup with me?” Man, if I had a dime for every person who’s asked me that one . . . Jack tells the guys that Gina is really honest, that Renee is guarded, and that Deanne hides stuff from people. Jack tells the gals that Jose is really honest, that Jeff is self-critical, and Matt takes responsibility for his actions. Matt actually told Jack that he’s looking for the mother of his children. Man, his kids must really miss their mom. Now it’s time for people to invite people to date. Like, in the dark.

Gina and Matt chose each other. They talk about PDA and Gina wants to feel Matt’s face, and he interviews that that gave him “warm feelings.” In his crotch. Cuz he got a boner.

Renee invited Jose and she baked him some cookies. Renee wants to stand up and Jose interviews that he’s worried that his height may be a factor. I’d be more worried that Renee would be a psycho hose beast who will constantly throw food at your head, but whatever.

Jeff invited Deanne and they feel each others’ faces and stuff. Jeff tells the guys later that there was a bit of a spark, and Deanne tells the girls the same thing. It’s less boring than it sounds, except totally not. I hate this show.

The men wake up to a surprise! No, not cancellation. Sadly. In baskets are the pajamas that the girls slept in the night before. Geez, they’re trying to cram a million new things into this episode. Well, I for one wish they could just keep the show as it is, all this new stuff is confusing and foreign to me. What’s happening to the DITD that we used to love? You don’t mess with success, ABC. Or, this show. The only borderline interesting thing that happens is that Matt’s undershirt has pit stains, but honestly, the Lean Cuisine online commercials are more fascinating. Did you know that the new Baja-Style Chicken Quesadillas have both cheddar AND monterey jack cheeses?! I know, right?!

People date other people, but if history on this show has taught us anything — besides learning how to hold the vomit in your mouth for 42 minutes and 58 seconds — it’s that these won’t go so well. And for Matt, they don’t. 1st of all, Renee is a total ass-hat about the pit stains, and then Matt tells Deanne that there isn’t any chemistry. Jose decides to invite Gina to the DR and then goes all rico suave on her ass and they totally suck face y’all.

Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod! It’s time for the compatibility! So, based on the predictions from the ouija board Rossi bought at the K-Mart next to the studio last night, here’s the compatibility: Renee/Jose, Gina/Matt, Deanne/Jeff.

Jeff and Deanne are up first, and again Jeff interviews that he’s used to dating hot women. “Can I get beyond that if Deanne isn’t that 10 that I’m used to dating?” Shut. The hell. Up. Jeff. We get it. You get some hot poon-tang. But you’re a bartender. Show me a male bartender that doesn’t get laid on a regular basis by giving free slippery nipple shots to bar hoes and getting them good and drunk so he can take them home and I’ll show you

well, this.

My point is, Jeff will never find someone who loves him as much as he does, and not to make a snap judgement, but the Mystery of Jeff’s Divorce is becoming smaller. As is my patience, so let’s move on. Deanne interviews that Jeff sounds like he’s extremely good looking. Deanne is mistaking arrogance for confidence, and ABC is mistaking crap for entertainment.

Jose and Renee are up, and they talk about the height thing, and then Renee says she finds guys who put themselves out there really attractive, and then Jose is like, “I’m just gonna put myself out there,” so he pretty much dry humps the shit out of Renee. Easy, killer. This turns Renee off and she pulls away. Is her guard up? We’ll never know. And we’ll never care.

“I said ‘put yourself out there,’ not ‘rub your penis all over my torso.’”

Renee goes back to the girls and says that they kissed and Gina gets territorial, and says she’s going to kiss Matt.

So Gina and Matt meet in the DR and Matt says that he’s really attracted to Gina and they agree to get back at Renee and Jose and kiss. It’s all very junior high, except with real boobs and stuff. Gina interviews that she may have been wrong about Matt and tells the gals that they had a good time macking and that they have a great connection, and then Renee’s all, everyone has a connection but me. She thinks it’s because she has her guard up, but I think it’s because she focuses all her energy on putting glorified feather dusters glued to headbands on her head. I bet she makes them herself. And I bet she’s proud of that.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

Aw, shucks, it’s time for the final dates. Jeff and Deanne are still hitting it off, and Gina asks Matt if he’ll be disappointed when he sees her, and he says no. Matt really wants babies. It’s actually kind of weird. Not Ricky-Martin-taking-his-twins-to-the-beach-weird, but weird nonetheless. Matt does say he’s nervous for Gina to see him. Nervous enough to sweat, Yellow Pits? Renee says she’s going to join Jose in the DR and let her guard down. So what does she do? She brings a glass jar full of seashells to Jose. It might as well be poop in a thermos for all Jose knows, since he can’t see. Renee goes on to say that she and her dad used to walk on the beach and collect shells and her dad is special to her. Not special enough to tell her to quit with the flowery shit in her hair, though. Jose blahs about his dog tags from when he was in the military and it was some commitment or something and that shows that he’s committed or horny or I don’t know.

And now it’s time for everyone to see everyone in the light, which is actually really exciting. Because it means that there’s only 12 minutes left in the show. Jose chose Renee, Matt chose Gina, Jeff chose Deanne, and I chose this show over all the other ones that Flipit offered me back in May. Which makes me sad. But mostly pissed off. Everyone’s nervous and junk. Matt and Gina are up first. Gina’s light comes on, and Matt smiles. Matt’s light comes up and Gina . . . well, she doesn’t exactly smile so much as sigh a lot and shake her head. Matt tells the guys that he likes Gina, and Gina tells the gals that she pretty much can’t imagine Matt lying on top of her, and then I see this and it just pisses me off:

I blame Patricia Field for this!

Deanne and Jeff are up next. They have pretty mediocre reactions, like more mediocre than this recap, which is saying a lot. Deanne tells the gals that Jeff is super hot. Jeff tells the guys that he’s on the fence — he says Deanne is pretty, but he’s going back and forth. Jose and Renee are up, and Jose feels that since they’ve shared their seashells and dog tags that they have a major connection. Whatever works, I guess. I think Jose is into Renee when he sees her, but I’m not sure about Renee. I have a feeling a lot of people, including Renee’s therapist, have said that exact same phrase: “I’m not sure about Renee.” Jose tells the guys that Renee is really pretty, and Renee tells the ladies that Jose is really cute, but she’s not sure he’s the one for her.

And now it’s time for the balcony portion of this evening’s barely passable entertainment. Matt definitely had a “spark” and “connection” with Gina so he’s on the balcony. She’s totally not meeting him, y’all. And it turns out I’m right. Matt looks sad. Gina interviews that she feels bad and like a “superficial bitch” but she can’t force herself to like Matt. Matt interviews that Gina’s not the girl for him because the right girl for him wouldn’t be a superficial bitch. Jose McCreepyInTheDarkRoom waits on the balcony for Renee. And he’ll be waiting for a long time, because Renee’s not interested. Sure enough, we see Renee walking out the front door. She interviews that Jose is a great person, but there was no romantic connection, and she can’t force it, and that makes her feel bad, and she cries, and I feel bad for her. Luckily, her choices of head and hair accessories cancel those feelings right the hell out. Jose blahs the same crap about rejection and true love and junk. Jeff is unsure of whether or not to meet Deanne on the balcony, and Deanne says that if he doesn’t show up, it’ll mean that he doesn’t think she’s attractive which will pretty much suck all around. But she doesn’t need to worry too much because Jeff shows up! He says he knows he made the right decision. So we end the season on a happy note, by which I mean this:

The effing credits, thank god.

Someone says go to ABC.com to find out if they’re still together, but we all know how well that’s worked in the past. Well, folks, that’s all she wrote. We’ve had some highs (from the alcohol we drank to get through this season) and some lows (from every second of this godforsaken show), but we made it through 6 craptacular episodes. I wish I could have given a better recap of the last couple, but personal things have gotten in the way of my usual hilarious recap hijinks. Stay tuned for my recaps of Desperate Housewives and either The City or The Hills (I’m still in deep contract negotiations with Flipit, so we’ll have to wait and see which of those 2 I’ll cover). They’ll make up for these last two, I promise! Thanks for hanging in there with me, y’all!