Dating In the Dark: Hag Crush!

Tonight on DIDT: It’s the same stuff, with different people, who have different levels of annoying. Will some people learn a lesson about personality vs. looks? Yeah, because ABC told them to. I get a serious gay-boy crush on a girl contestant. Like, seriously. And people act like they’re 13 going on idiot in the dark room.

Papa, can you hear me?

First of all, this show has been #1 in it’s time slot for the past two weeks. Number freaking one! Also, so according to Wikipedia, the most reliable and trustworthy source of information on the internet, DITD is based on a Dutch show with the same format called . . . wait for it . . . Daten In het Donker! Ha! Hahahahahaha! That’s so much more fun to say! How sad is it that this piece of poo is a KNOCK-OFF piece of poo? Way to suck, America!

Rossi explains to us that . . . pretty much what he explained to us last week. If you don’t know the format by now, then read last week’s recap (added bonus: One of the contestants commented). Or watch the show. Which I don’t suggest, unless you like weeping uncontrollably and screaming, “Why? Why?!” at your t.v.

Nancy feels your pain.

Let’s meet our contestants!

Jason: 31, a marketing consultant. He usually loves girls who have bubbly personalities.

i.e., any girl who will get drunk off jageritas and show him her ta-tas.

Why is he on this show? He should be on The Real World: Cancun! Or The Real World: Las Vegas. Or The Real World: Key West. Okay, basically any Real World after Chicago. You know, after people on the show stopped being relevant and started being whores.

Matt: 28, a land development consultant. Which is a fancy schmancy way of saying real estate agent. Matt confesses that he has no problems finding girls . . . or crabs, perhaps? . . . but he has trouble finding THE girl. You know, the one who’s name he remembers in the morning. He admits he’s really critical and puts looks first. Shocker.

“Also, I’m constantly surprised!”

Doug: 31, a pitching coach for the St. Louis Cardinals organization (I’m guessing a farm team or something. And I have no idea what a farm team is, it’s just a term I’ve heard a few times from my dad). He is a bit nervous about a girl just getting to know him just based on his personality. Uh-oh! But he says he can be a charmer. You know what? Doug doesn’t seem douche-y.

For now.

On to the women. First up is Megan. 31, studying to become a sommelier, which is actually kind of cool. Not at all lucrative in any way, shape, or form, but still cool. Megan is basically the Bridget Jones of this episode. She’s funny, sassy, and she wants to get married and have kids blah blah blah because all her friends are doing it. Megan, sweetie, no. Married people need that one remaining single friend who still goes out and gets drunk on a Friday night and sleeps with random people. That way they can complain to their husbands about “how sad it is” that people still do that after 30, and then think to themselves, “Damn, I wish I could get drunk and screw someone other than my husband,” while they scrub green baby poo off the bathroom wall. And this, my friends, is Hypnotoad’s pledge: I will be that friend for you. For life. Also, Megan is the completely average size for American women. Which means that by ABC standards, she’s effing huge and will henceforth be termed The Thick One. Thanks, ABC, for setting our standards for us! Saves us a helluva lot of thinking for ourselves. You know what? I have a total Will & Grace crush on Megan.

I wanna hag you so effing hard, Megan.

Lindsey, 26, is from Boston, and she’s an operations manageuh. She definitely has a Southie accent, but it’s strange to hear because the rest of her English is like a Middle American accent – that is to say, “no” accent – until she gets to those pesky “ars.” Really, you have to watch the episode to know what I’m talking about. What’s that? You don’t WANT to watch Daten In het Donker? Well flikker op, hufter! You heard me. Look it up, stumpert. She is nervous, she admits, because this whole thing is weird. Preachin’ to the choir, sister.

She’ll just have to step up her game in the dahk room.

Chrystee is . . . an actor. Wait, it gets better. And a motivational speaker. Hmmm, I wonder what an actor-slash-motivational speaker is doing on a reality show? What could it be? Exposure? Nah. Because we all know how well that works:

“So . . . YOU’RE the one who saw ‘Into the Blue 2?!’”

Chrystee, 32, wants a man who is “spiritual, and who’s vulnerable also.”

So, like . . . an apostle?

Chrystee truly believes that “when you find someone that you like, your heart will start to beat fast, and there’s an energy, there’s a pull toward that person that is just undescribable and I want that every time he walks in the room.” You know who else believes that, Chrystee?

Lifetime Movie Network: Because if you can’t find a man by the time you’re 30, we’re all you’ll have.

Also, I know “undescribable” may be sort of acceptable nowadays, but it just bugs the shit out of me when people use that “word.” It’s “indescribable,” mmkay? Holy shit, we’re only 3 minutes and 29 seconds into this mess! Let’s fast-track it or I will quickly go insane with rage.

Rossi explains the rules to the boys and talks about the DR (dark room) and so it’s time for the group date. Matt says that the first time they go to the dark room, “it’s an abyss of darkness.” Thanks, Captain Obvious. Megan’s afraid something “like Friday the 13th” will happen in the dark. I’m assuming she means that this episode will be a popular 80s camp horror classic, and then get “re-imagined” 20 years from now with a younger, hipper cast. Also, I totally want to get drunk with Megan, because I bet she’s hiLARious when she’s drinking. The guys pretend that they’re not there and then yell out, surprising them. Wheeeeee.

*cough* poor man’s Ty Pennington *cough*

Introductions are made, and Lindsey’s all, “I waved! Like you guys could see!” Ha! I find it very endearing when people call themselves out their own buffoonery. So . . . it’s really boring, guys. No one does or says anything extremely stupid (except maybe Doug who just repeats random words that people say. “Baseball.” “Beer.” “Scrotum.” Okay, not that last one.), and Megan and Lindsey are so down-to-earth that they make it very hard for me to make fun of them. For now. Mwahahahahaha! Matt’s totally into Megan and interviews that he loves her sarcasm. Chrystee interviews that you totally couldn’t see anything in the DR, you guys! Ooohh, so THAT’S the point of the dark room. Yeah, I missed that the first time someone told me that. And the five hundred and fifty seventh. And thus endeth the first date in the DR. Megan’s all, “Hey guys I accidentally felt up Lindsey!” And Matt’s all, “Hey Megan, you’re adorable!” Awww! It’s love at first sight. Except no one can see, so not really. I wish I couldn’t see right now.

After the DR date, the guys discuss the girls, and Doug says that Chrystee is a “light-skinned African-American woman.” Wow, that’s actually really perceptive. I’m serious! What, I don’t have to be sarcastic all the time, okay! But it does make me funnier, so I’ll try to lay it on thick from here on out. Doug likes Chrystee, Matt likes Megan, and Jason likes Lindsey. Isn’t it weird how everyone gets immediately paired up and no two people like the same girl/guy? And by “weird” I mean “totally staged.” I’d talk about what the girls say, but honestly? Snooze-a-palooza.

Next day, The Ross-A-Tron tells the peeps that they’ll be going through each other’s luggage. And then they’ll either break open a shampoo bottle, getting Alberto V05 over everything, or lose it at the Philadelphia airport after the flight is delayed for 5 hours for no apparent reason. What’s that? Ah, yes, sorry – that part is American Airline’s job. My bad. The guys look at bras (look for the part that was cut where they put them on and make out with each other on ABC’s website). Then the girls look through Jason’s bag, and he has a hair-straightener. This is the consensus: WTF?

Fisher-Price’s My First Hair Straightener.

This leads Lindsey to think that Jason has long hair, which isn’t her thing. Turns out Chrystee has a bible in her bag, which leads to apprehension from Doug regarding religion. Okay, anyone else peg Doug for a total bible-beater? He seems like the kind of guy who leads the team prayer in the dugout before each game. Right? Am I right, folks? After invading each other’s total privacy, it’s time to email each other regarding 1-on-1 dates.

Megan and Matt are first. They chose each other. None of us in the audience — oh, I’m sorry NEITHER of us in the audience — are surprised. They flirt and touch each other, and seem to hit it off really well. As well as two people who signed up for a reality show about dating in the dark can hit it off.

The Bostoners – Jason and Lindsey, chose geographical convenience over compatibility, which I totally understand. I won’t even consider friendship with anyone who’s not off the Red Line. And north of the loop. And if I have to transfer buses or trains, then forget it. The first thing Lindsey does is ask to touch Jason’s hair, and she’s shocked to find out it’s not long. Jason tells Linds that he just uses it on the top of his hair. Instead of gel which would accomplish the exact same thing. Now, I’m not one that’s quick to judge . . . oh who the hell am I kidding: If a man has a hair-straightener, and his hair isn’t long and curly and frizzes up like a mofo when his chicken fajitas arrive to his table at Applebee’s, then I say get away fast. Because homeboy? Is high maintenance. And there ain’t nothin’ worse than a high maintenance straight boy.

Exhibit A.

Basically, Linds is afraid that being from Boston may be the only thing they have in common.

Jason has a second date with Chrystee, but I have a sneaking suspicion she just wants to ask him about the hair-straightener. Ugh, Chrystee is a squealer when she meets guys for the first time. No one thinks that’s cute, Chrystee! She also likes to bring up God and Christ when she meets a guy for the first time, which is never awkward. If you’re a Latter Day Saint. Who’s meeting another Latter Day Saint. At Brigham Young University. On your chaperoned date to the chapel. To watch Kirk Cameron sign copies of the latest straight-to-DVD film of the “Left Behind” series, followed by a vanilla milkshake at the cafeteria before heading back to the dorms in time for the 7:30pm curfew. Hey Chrystee, if you bring up abortion and politics in the next 30 seconds, then I’m sure he’ll totally make out with you.

“Dear Lord, I ask you for guidance. And for a part in that new Tyler Perry movie. And also to break this fool’s damn hair-straightener. In your name. Amen.”

Jason tells Chrystee he’s more spiritual than religious, which we all know is really just a polite way of telling an over-zealous Christian that you’re an atheist. He interviews that Chrystee is probably genuine about the God stuff, but it’s a big buzzkill when she brings it up. Especially on the first date. Word, Jason. Word.

So Doug asked out Lindsey, and they talk about kids and sports and stuff and aguwpq348yghvw9999999999y. Sorry! I fell asleep on my macbook. Lindsey says Doug is the perfect combination of her perfect job and her perfect guy. She tells Doug he isn’t at ALL like she thought he was.

“I thought you’d be, like, a transgendered dwarf pirate with a harelip.”

It’s the next day and Rossi is wearing another pinstripe shirt. He tells everyone it’s time for the compatibility thing that they did last week. So based on the findings from the Santeria hoodoo spells that Rossi conjured up in his trailer last night, here are the results: Megan/Matt, Chrystee/Jason, Lindsey/Doug. Wow. Who would have thought? Everybody watching this. All 3 of us. It’s time for the 1-on-1 dating.

Now, I have a theory about the 1-on-1 dating in the DR. I mean, besides the one about how lame it is. Here’s my second theory: As soon as everyone knows who he/she is compatible with, the contestants regress to their junior high mentalities, and the DR becomes the equivalent of 7 Minutes in Heaven for 30 year olds. Case in point: Doug brings strawberries and melted chocolate to the DR, and tells Lindsey that they can put the chocolate on their fingers, and then touch each other where they want to be kissed. Let’s point out the obvious stupidosity of this, shall we? A.) You’re in complete and total darkness. So, Einstein, once you touch an area of the body, how the fuck are you going to find it again — with your lips? B.) This is the kind of thing desperate people save for their 3rd wedding anniversary, when they’ve run out of everything they could possibly do to save their dwindling sex life, and one of them goes, “Um . . . melted chocolate touchy kisses?” And the other one goes, “Do whatever you want, just make sure Sports Center is on the tv.” C.) I don’t know about Lindsey, but I’d be kind of pissed if someone got melted chocolate on my clothes. Kind of really pissed. And most importantly, D.) What the hell did you bring the strawberries for, then?! So, of course, it doesn’t really work out, so they just end up necking. I’m beginning to think they pump Spanish fly and poppers into the DR, because people cannot. Help. Making. Out. Once they get in there. Both say the date is a success, and then walk out of the DR with chocolate on their necks, looking like they just tried to give each other a Dirty Sanchez in the dark. In the girls’ kitchen, Megan puts cover up on Lindsey and is all, “Who’s our little dirty slut?” Did I mention that I love Megan?

“Oh, I’m sorry. Is punching you in the face not part of your little chocolate game?”

Next up, Jason and Chrystee. Chrystee brought a football to the dark room. What the hell, man? Were people specifically told to bring a ridiculous object to the set? Was this part of the interview process?:

ABC P.A.: So. Um . . . think of the lamest, dumbest, most useless thing you could bring to a room that’s totally dark.
CHRYSTEE: Um. Okay . . . a . . . um . . . let me see . . . A football?
ABC P.A.: Great. Bring that.

Leni, enlighten us if you could. Anysnooch, they wrassle for the football. Annnnnddddd scene.

Matt’s “stoked” for his date with Megan. And he’s bringing an indoor surfboard. You know, because of the Ridiculous Objects Clause. So they surf indoors, but it’s basically an excuse for Matt to feel her up. He interviews that he usually goes for skinnier chicks so he doesn’t know how to deal with that yet. Later on, on the couch, they grope each other like high school freshman under the bleachers at a junior varsity football game. Matt touches Megan and is all breathy and “ooh, you’re so hot,” and it gets a little soft-core porn-y. And they start making out. Of course. Cuz they’re in the DR, bitches! Megan goes back to the girls and Lindsey says, “How come you don’t have anymore lip gloss on?” And Megan’s all, “You’re such a bitch for asking me that.” Megan! Aaaaa! I want to add you to my hag posse!

Back in the men’s area, Doug’s all, hey Matt, you know she’s a “thicker girl” (Oy, seriously?) but you like her, so is “the thickness” a deal-breaker? For the love of god, Doug, Megan’s not a Steak-and-Shake milkshake! Stop saying “thick!” Matt says he’s on the fence with the whole weight thing. Personally, even if Matt was all for Megan regardless of how much she weighs or whatever, I think Megan might be able to do better.

Remember last week when everyone did another round of dating with someone who wasn’t their compatibill-a-buddy? Yeah, get ready to hop on that train again. Or, if you prefer, you can lay on the tracks and pray for the sweet release of death, which is what I’m doing right now. Matt/Chrystee, Jason/Megan, Nothing/Boredom.

There’s a new twist this week. No, not actual entertainment, silly! The girls pick the guys they want to spend their last dates with, the guys then have to make the girls dinner, then the girls have to give massages to the boys after dinner. Fascinating. And yet, not so. Everybody invites exactly who you think they would. Let’s move on.

So, the guys make dinner. Doug’s not really a cook so he makes hot dogs . . . and shrimp. Up first is Jason/Chrystee. Jason made chicken. I know you really don’t give a rat’s ass what he made, but I’m a recapper, and it’s my duty to bring you those kind of hard-hitting details. Jason interviews that he’s attracted to Chrystee in the dark and likes that he saw the serious and fun sides of her. Of course, all this is shot to shit when Chrystee asks if he’d be offended if she prayed before the meal. He says no, but he’s clearly uncomfortable with it when she grabs his hand and prays out loud. You guys, I have nothing against Christianity whatsoever, but I gotta call it like I see it: She’s totally witnessing to him. Why couldn’t she just do a quick silent prayer by herself? Evidence: She says “We” thank you God, and then, “Father, I just hope you will keep encouraging [Jason] to find his vision.” And after all that praying, it’s time for a massage. Which is pretty tame, not that any of us are surprised. I will give this compliment to Chrystee: She doesn’t cancel out her Christian persona by acting like a ho.

“What?”

Lindsey and Doug are up next. Doug almost stabs Linds in the wrist with his fork while he feeds her shrimp, which she says is awesome. (But honestly, how hard is it to mess up shrimp? Especially if the poo is already taken out?) Then he hands her his weiner. No, silly, the hot dog! Sheesh! He toasted the buns, which he says are “hard as a rock,” and then he’s all, “bite hard, bite hard” and . . . too . . . many . . . double . . . entendres . . . Must . . . resist . . .

Yeah . . . too easy.

Lindsey interviews, “If you go allllll the way back to the first group date” — alllllll the way back to 3 days ago. How can she remember that far back?! — “I said my ideal date is Vienna hot dog, so that definitely impressed me.” So she wants to date a kosher weiner? And now it’s time for a massage. This one’s a little steamier than the last one, but not by a whole lot. Also, everyone looks way different in the DR-vision than in regular vision.

Also, Megan totally dressed up for her date. I guess there’s the whole “look good, feel good” thing, but if I were on the show, I’d wear nothing but sweats 24/7. Matt and Megan have a little back and forth where they tell each other to shut up and stuff, which for some reason, rubs me the wrong way. I don’t know why, but it sounds really one-uppish and a bit childish. Anyhooz, Megan asks Matt what he thinks she looks like, and he says, “I don’t know, usually I go for like, a petite blonde.” Why would you say such a douche-y thing, Matt, when you know she’s not “petite” nor really a blonde? Lame. Matt says he’s ready for a massage, and Megan’s all, “I don’t like your cockiness. I don’t think I want to give you a massage.” And then there’s another moment where they do a snipe-y back-and-forth. I’m pretty sure that if they end up together, fighting’s going to be their foreplay. Now, kids, THIS massage gets a little steamy. But mostly oily. And a little spanky, as Megan slaps Matt’s ass a couple times. Matt kind of whines about it, and now I’m pretty sure what the sex is going to be like after they’re done fighting.

“The safe word is avocado.”

It’s the day of the . . . seeing each other thing . . . and everyone’s getting ready, and who would have thought Jason would have the best body? It’s lean yet defined, kind of like Michael Vartan’s on Alias during season 3. Everyone gets to invite who they want to see. Everyone’s predictable. So first is Chrystee and Jason. Chrystee’s nervous, and Jason is hoping that when he sees Chrystee, some of the unanswered questions about her will be answered. Jason’s light comes up first and Chrystee smiles; then her light comes up and Jason just kind of looks around. Chrystee reports back to the girls and says Jason is handsome, Jason tells the guys Chrystee is pretty, but there are so many thoughts in his head right now.

Doug and Lindsey. Lindsey’s lighted first, and Doug smiles; Doug gets lit, and Lindsey smiles. Lindsey reports back that Doug has a great smile, and is attractive. And Doug says that Lindsey’s complexion wasn’t the “clearest,” but she’s attractive and has a great smile. He interviews that despite their connection in the DR, when he saw her, he wasn’t “head over heels to see her again.” Oh, Doug. Who else is going to gobble up your weiner? Ugh, you guys, even I’M ashamed of that one. Sorry.

Megan and Matt. Matt says they have a rare connection. They both look scared shitless in the room. Matt’s up first, and Megan begins bawling and screams, “Oh my god, it’s hideous! My eyes! My eyes!” Oh, if only. Instead, she smiles, because that’s what everybody does. Megan’s light goes up and Matt’s face looks like he’s alternately sucking on a whole lemon and morphing into a fish.

Megan reports back that Matt is attractive and “the whole package.” Megan, sweetie, love you. Love. You. But, that package? Maybe you shouldn’t open it. Matt goes back to the guys and says he has to think about it a little bit, and everything has happened “so quickly over the past couple days” and he needs to evaluate things. So, what happened to that “rare” connection, Matt? Okay, here’s what pisses me off about this show, right here — Matt. That’s pretty much it. Although, it is interesting that he basically fucked someone based on her personality and then is considering dumping her based on her looks. It’s kind of the opposite of — WHOA! No! I will NOT learn from you, Dancing In the Dark! You will NOT teach me any lessons about the dating culture! Shame on you, you inspired-by-the-Dutch bastard! Je hebt een kop om stront op te sorteren, Dancing In the Dark!

I’m so sorry about that. I promise to never let that happen again. It’s time for meeting on the “balcony.” Oh, so we’re not so fancy, this episode, huh, Rossi? What happened to “veranda?” Lindsey heads out to the balcony to wait for Doug. Will he show? Oh, how will you live with the susp — yeah, he does. They leave in a car. I don’t know, a BMW? I don’t recap cars. Doug learned a lesson about personality because that’s what he’s supposed to say.

Chrystee is writing a note to give to Jason on the balcony when he shows up. Or, now, bear with me Chrystee, what if you, I don’t know, tell him. Just a thought, mull it over. She goes out to the balcony to wait. Jason says he finds Chrystee attractive, but he’s thinking about her personality, and what’s important to her in her life, and how those things may not be important to him. Like eternal salvation, Jason!? Huh? The firey pits of hell, THAT’S not important to you?! Long story short, Jason doesn’t show up on the balcony, and Chrystee has to watch him leave. I’m glad the producers forced her to write a letter to Jason so this would be all the more devastating. She’s disappointed, but I don’t think she should be surprised. Jason reiteriates again about how her faith — which he thinks is great and respects — would be a wedge between them. Chrystee wishes him luck. You know, I say good for Jason. And Chrystee. It wouldn’t have lasted.

Matt and Megan, bitches! Megan goes to the balcony first, and she waits. This is intercut with scenes of Matt packing. Will he? Won’t he? He will. Matt says he made a strong connection and the right decision. Megan says that she can see them having a long relationship. Well, Megan, if it doesn’t work out, call me. We’ll go on a whiskey and Miller Lite bender and then go dancing, and we’ll be all, “Fuck Matt! Oooh, let’s do lemon drop shots!”

Well peeps, that’s it. Next week, apparently, all three girls want the same guy or something. And there’s something about a room that’s completely dark . . . but I may be wrong about that. Also, the announcer said AGAIN to go to ABC.com to check on the couples, but AGAIN, there was nothing on the site but clips from this show and the next. Thanks for the lies, ABC!