Boobs, Glorious Boobs

By now, everybody knows that I have a certain affliction for Tyra Banks. This affliction is not so encompassing that I have no control of my mental faculties, and I have therefore not spent any time watching her new show. I think she has what it takes to do her type of show, and if Jenny Jones can last as long as she did, my girl still can do it as well. To tell you the truth, the only reason why I decided to review her daytime show was to remind everybody that Cycle 5 of America’s Next Top Model starts tonight at 8PM Eastern on UPN. Don’t miss it!

More on the Tyra Show after the jump.Tyra’s show is really an extension to what she has been trying to accomplish outside of the modeling world for some time. No, I a not talking about budding runway star reality show domination, but something else enterely. Starting with her TZONE foundation, Tyra has tried to bring a message of self-empowerment to every young woman that she meets. I am grossly paraphrasing, of course, but I think the way she has handles the subject matter is worth praise. Since she is a supermodel, you might think she would not be the best person to discuss inner beauty, since her career has been defined by her outer beauty, but I think her popularity speaks for itself. If I was still in college, I would take Man-hate 10 (that’s a joke ladies!) and write a paper on Tyra Banks and the Response to 21st Century Feminism.

If you were wondering why I picked yesterday’s show to do a recap, it was because I heard that the subject was going to be all about breasts. Therefore, I knew it would be a good show because Tyra knows a thing or two or twenty about breasts.

The show, however, is not for the amusement of people like me who are interested in seeing Tyra’s breasts, but for the women in the audience. Now I am not saying that they wouldn’t also want to see Tyra’s breasts, but when it comes to boobs, women have different concerns. The first segment was talking about bra advice, because statistics show that 80% of women wear the wrong size bra. I am sure that it was a study funded by Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s of Hollwood, but there was some useful information there.

After some info on how to measure your bust, Tyra profiled three girls who needed bra help. And if they needed new bras, why not go to Victoria’s Secret? From the look of the inside, I am pretty sure it was the Victoria’s Secret at the Grove. I recognize the counter(another job in another life) and it is within shouting distance of Television City, where the Tyra Show is taped. A couple girls were average sized, and we saw some bras to give a little lift and enhance the cleavage, and one girl was above average and was looking for something other than Playtex cross your heart to give her some comfort. We got before and after, and Tyra dispensed with a stereotype when one of the girls, Mu, showed surprise that she had a C-cup because she was a tiny asian girl. “Asian girls have boobs too!”, she said. Yay!

Ricardo Chivera of Desperate Housewives came on, and really made me happy. No, I could care less about his show or what he has to say, but I now know there is at least one person more obsessed with Tyra than I am, and he went on to describe his dad’s crush and how he has created a little relationship with the two of them. Tyra laughed it off, even when mentioning the part about Victoria’s Secret catalogs (which are NOT delivered to the TVgasm offices, despite what some people think). He went on to talk about what breasts meant to a man, how most guys will say it is personality but you have to admit that breasts are important (even for an assman).

While that was all lovely, the real reason why Ricardo was on was to raise awareness about Breast Cacncer charities. His mother died of breast cancer and he is a spokesman for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. He spoke about his experiences and some things that we can do to help. To make sure that we don’t forget Ricardo’s important message, we have a Victoria’s Secret fashion immediately following. Not exactly what I would call great timing.

Tyra next introduced a girl who had asymmetrical breasts. Most women have breasts that are slightly different, and often times one is big than the other. This girl, however, has breasts that were two cup sizes difference, which is not usual, but can be fixed with surgery if you have the money. She didn’t have the money, but Tyra found a doctor who would perform the surgery for free. And just in case you thought all plastic surgery was put to use for good, we got Anna Nicole Smith, who described her dozens of surgeries. She originally got implants because her boobs were stretched and hanging after she gained weight during childbirth and lost it again. It took DDs to get her nipples to point up on a suitable angle. And we heard about TrimSpa. DELIGHTFUL. In case you were wondering there is no truth to the rumors she has two implants in each boob or that one of them exploded.

Speaking of implant rumors, Tyra has plenty of her own. People say her breasts are too perfect to be real, but she says the shape is all about the bras she chooses to wear, and to show the dramatic effect, she gets rid of all of the guys in the audience and takes her bra off. ON STAGE. She still had her shirt on, of course, but you can see the difference, and they do have a natural sag and aren’t just suspended in mid air by some alien technology or anything.

But oh no, Tyra wasn’t done there. There was a short segment where they talked to some girls on Melrose what they think about their boobs, including talking to one girl who paid $4700 for her implants and looks to me like she was ripped off. The segment didn’t make any sense, and was likely filler so we could get to the real point of the show.

Not content with showing people her sag through a shirt, she lay down on a couch where a doctor examined her breasts by touch. I KNEW I should have been a doctor. Tyra actually broke down talking about it saying that she doesn’t want to comment on other people’s choices, but it wasn’t her choice and she was hurt that people would think she got implants. She admitted to fake hair and fake eyelashes, but the TaTas are REAL.

If you STILL didn’t believe her, the doctor used a sonogram not to check for pregnancy, but to check for implants. We first saw the images from a girl who had saline implants, and then we saw Tyra’s, which was pure breast tissue. And I am sure it is the image you have all been waiting for, so here it is. Tyra Banks’ right hand boob;

This is for you, Papa Rivera.

Isn’t that a thing of beauty? You know, if it only took a sonogram to prove if tits were fake or not, I think Tyra should do the world a favor and offer to have her doctor sonogram celebrity juggs as a weekly phenomenon. There could be Vegas betting and everything. First up? Lindsay Lohan of course.