Saddle Ranch: Dear Taylor-When it Rains, it Pours

Well, it’s been about a week and a half since  Mother Earth  ripped North Alabama a new asshole, and I made it out alive and well.  It wasn’t easy, though.  For about a week (give or take), there was no cell service, no power, no gas, no hot water, NOTHING open besides 2 or 3 gas stations too far to drive to for gas, flooding, etc.  I spent a number of nights by candlelight listening to my dad’s radio-only walkman from 1982, scanning the stations for any song that I even sort-of liked to keep me from completely losing all sanity (I don’t have much to begin with).  I quickly perfected the “whore-bath”, or like we like to call it in EMS, a “PTA (pits, tits, and ass) Bath”.   The only enjoyable part in all this was that when gas stations and grocery stores started opening up again, and they could only take cash.  I’m an ALL CASH, ALL THE TIME, girl, and refuse to use any kind of credit/debit card (I have many random and irrelevent reasons for this), and it was HILARIOUS to watch people flip their shit when they finally made it to the register only to be turned away.  Teeheehee.  SUCKAS!!! I know this all sounds awful, but not to worry.  Just before I started feeling too sorry for myself, the power came back on just in time for me to watch this week’s episode, and more specifically, the worst week of Taylor’s life.  Here we go.

Montage of what we’ve seen, montage of what we’re gonna see.  We’re reminded of Racheal, and Kameron’s ongoing Battle-of-the-Bartender drama (Racheal currently in the lead), the shot-hoe showdown that provided last weeks “Viewer Nappy-Naptime”, and the “cliffhanger” (groan) that ended the ep, consisting of Robb’s party for his roomie’s buddy ( NOT for said roomie’s GF).  The stripper hired to perform at the party quickly proved to be super-inappropriate (yes, even for a stripper), and made for a very uncomfortable and sad scene, ending with Cassie Beer Balls throwing a drink on the Stripper, causing her to dive over the couch  at Cass like a flying squirrel with better hair.  This week…..oh who cares?  I’m ready to see the end of the fight, so fuck it.

Cut to said fight, stripper goes flying forward, stripper goes flying back, landing flat on her back with a massive “thud”, Cassie  follows with both girls clenching to the other’s hair, a little bit of kicking, onlookers yelling and pulling them apart, annnnnd DING DING DING! Fight’s over, and the winner iiiiiiiiisssssss……Cassie?  I’m not sure because it lasted 13secs (seriously), but Cass is literally jumping up and down with one fist in the air and a joker smile while the others surround her cheering, high-fiving, and hugging.  It’s all very “for-he’s-a-jollygood-fellow”-ish, and I must’ve missed something.

The smile on Taylor’s face is the last one we will ever see.  EVER. *tear*

The stripper disappears *POOF* into thin air cause, truth be told, whether she won the “fight” or not, she’s a stripper, and people are only nice to a stripper till she’s done stripping, or boring, then they go right back to their original opinion that srtippers are all drug-addicted, disease infested, whorebags.  It’s hard on the boulevard, Girlfriend.  Poor thing.  Haha- j/k.  I like strippers, but she crossed the line.  Back to the task at hand.

Cassie interviews that she’s pretty proud of herself.

Sadder words were never spoken.

Cassie continues to cheer, the others continue to grant her praises, and I continue to be confused.

Just sayin’.

In a nutshell, Cassie threw the drink cause she’s buzzed and Kam told her to (remember:bartender=puppetmaster), she surprisingly (aka-somehow accidentally) manueverd the stripper onto the ground, so that makes her the winner of the “fight”.  This is clearly the first “fight” she’s ever been in,  she’s exploding with pride, and has probably never felt more important and/or accepted in her life.  The rest of the staff/partygoers form a conscesus that it was some sort-of bonding experience for them all and brought them closer together cause they are FAMILY! I form a consesus with myself that these people have no life outside of SR, have zero real future goals, and will inevetably talk about this incident constantly for the next 6months minimum.  Thanks, vH1 for the cringeworthy hindsight into my early 20′s, AGAIN.

Party on, Wayne.  Part on, Garth.  Liquor is flowing, to say the least, and the word “shots” is randomly being yelled as we’re given a mini-montage of everyone drinking booze of any kind, in every way, out of any container, and it’s unnecessary.  We get it.  They drink a lot.  Kam and Nancee are slurring while eating the ugliest b-day cake ever made, Nancee shoves some icing on kam’s lips, so Kam shoves some into Nancee’s face.  Robb appears out of nowhere and shames them for being disrespectful and orders them outside.  I’d really like to make some joke here about getting spanked, but I won’t.  He says he wants to throw the cake in somebody’s eye.  Good one, Robb.  I don’t see anything on the couch, but I assume something got on it cause Robb is violently scrubbing it. He even goes as far as to interview that Kam is supposed to be his friend and have his back, and blah blah blah.

Take it off and wash it tomorrow?  Go to Target and buy a new one for $16.99?  Options, much?

Robb is my Lov-ah and all, but i’d like him to take off his skirt for a sec and process a few things. 1) YOU invited these people to your house for strippers and booze. Hellllooooo, McFly!? 2) Nothing got messed up.  3) Don’t call others disrespectful, Mr. Throw-a-Party-for-Roomie-and-Friends-Including-GF-Then-Hire-Most-Aggressive-Stripper-You-Can-Find-and-Hope-It-Works-Out!  Ugh. 4) The couch has a fucking doo-doo brown slip-cover on it for Christ’s sake!  God, I hope he starts his period soon, cause he’s sooo not cute as a buzzkill.  Oh, and he ends up kicking Kameron out, and it’s really immature and dramatic. Kameron is trashed, btw, but she somehow looks like the more reasonable one for the moment.

Party on, Wayne.  Party on, Garth.  Nightfall.  More booze.  Hot tub.  Then, a tragic moment for my psyche (and my vagina).

It’s like seeing a dog with three legs.  I am torn between disgusted and accepting.

Robb has managed to go 2 and a quarter episodes with a taboggin or hood carefully placed on to the back of his head without it falling off, then this is the big reveal.  I’m just not sure how I feel about this exactly. Either I was just too unprepared, or his douchey-ness during the last scene is affecting my opinion about what i’m seeing.  The jury will remain out.  Robb’s Mystery Scalp ajourned.

Apparently, Racheal is feeling it, because she and Robb tell each other as they side-hug (only aloud off-the-clock, remember?) as they tell each other and whoever is stuck within earshot, how awesome the other is.  Robb interviews that he really likes her, thinks she’s cool as hell, and she’s not even his type!  Riiiiiiiight.

Hey, know your demographic.

Racheal is a bitch cause she doesn’t hold anything back, according to herself in ep 1 .  So she’s cool with all this, and proves it by making out with Robb, as the others “whoo-hoooooo!” away, like the Saved by the Bell audience used to whenever Kelley would reward Zach’s relentless and pathetic efforts with a kiss on the cheek.  I’m pretty sure those two started bangin right after they’d gotten home from working at the beach club for the summer.  Zach was heartbroken over Stacie Carossi, and Kells most likely got a bit carried away with the guys all over the resort, coming back less of a cock-tease.  That’s just my observation, and conclusion.  All I know for sure is that they had def gotten through the puppy-love, the bitter ex behavior, and the fuck-buddy phases by “The College Years”, cause the flirting and sexual tension was finally in the past at that point.  Or maybe Zach was as turned-off as we were by how un-hot Kelley had finally gotten.  Remember “College Years Kelley”? America collectively thought “ Who’s this frumpy, bob-with-short-bangs, nose in the books, chubby-faced, backwards trendy hat-wearin, Kelley?  Where is my fluffy-sideswept-bangs, mid-drift cut tee w/ spandex shorts, tan legs and white keds and no socks, Kelley?  This Leslie chick is supposed to be the token hot girl? ” Ugh…………………….

Rach and Robb mouth raping each other-Insight to offer, anyone?  Dave (who I just realized I’ve been calling “tyler” thus far, and will now continue to) tells us.  “Wow.  I DID NOT see this coming.”

He’s serious.

Party on, Wayne.  Party on, Garth. Where were we?  Oh yeah, Robb’s attempt at charm via a double fisting request.  I hope these two write their own vows.   Taylor does us all a good, and opts to observe the hot tub antics from afar, and fully dressed.  Phew.  Nick shows up.  Who’s Nick, you ask?  THIS is Nick.

And with that, Robb places his taboggin’ back on his head, where it belongs

Nick is a random server from one of the locations, and he’s super-hot.  He quickly falls victim to Cassie’s palpable confidence/cocky-ness, and is under her spell.  By that, I mean he’s into her, and everyone is drunk, so this all appears to be a big deal, but it’s not to us due to how fucking boring all this is.  Alcohol, flirting, making-out, hot tubs, jealousy, etc. zzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzz….

Party on Wayne.  Party on, Garth.  Rach and Robb interview that the kiss was good, and blah eew blah.  The front door opens almost simultaneously, and in walks in….

Lord have mercy.  Do you think production at least allow her a nap at some point?

LOL.  Ruh rooooooh…Robb says that Kam has “invited herself back”, and he meets her in the kitchen for a rational, adult conversation about the incident.  Kam slurrs that she’s been crying for the last 5hrs because he kicked her out.  It’s now Robb’s turn to speak, and Kam’s turn to listen.

LOVE. HER.

And in this moment, Kameron officially replaces Cassie as my favorite cast member.  These two have a pointless discussion, nothing makes sense, then Robb starts trying to convince Kam that she and Rach should have a talk and be besties.  Um, Robb!?  I’m thinkin this might not be the optimal circumstance for an effective treuce between your party guests, hm? (refer to above image).  But it’s too late now, cause Kam has begun shouting “Racheal!” loud as all hell, over and over and over.  When Racheal enters the kitchen, Robb gets really Dadlike and control freak-ish, acting like he’s gonna mediate and keep things under control, by dominating this serious event with his reasoning and rational maturity.  Kameron says “yeah, you can exit now.”  HAHAHA!   It’s short, to the point, and comprehensible, for the most part.  She basically says “I didn’t ask to be transferred.  I didn’t want to take your shifts.  So, either we squash it now, or it’s war.”  Wow.  If this involved me in Kam’s position, I would have made the same point, but not till i’d gone off on multiple tangents, explained every sentence in 30diff ways, and repeated all of it at least 4x.   HERO!  Racheal pretends to actually be weighing her options in her head before agreeing to “squash” it.  They cheers to “squashing it”.  They hug it out till they’re on the floor.

This is the floor of the same person kicking his guests out for almost getting something dirty.

Well, now I guess their friendship is made official by the mutual contraction of Hepatitis we see here.  Yuck.  My BFF was so drunk on New Year’s Eve that she took her heels off, dancing barefoot, as I shook my head, unable to stop her.  I made her look at her feet as soon as she woke up in the morning, and she cried.  A lot.  LOL.  I don’t know why I felt the need to add in that story, but it was hilarious, and this atrocious floor they’re laying on makes me cringe the same way I did that night.  Anyway, that was the longest party in history, and I’m probably more exhausted from it then these assholes are.  BTW-Why exactly why was the stripper scheduled to perform before sundown and adequate intoxication level?  Poor planning, Robb.  I wanted you all to be the first to know that Robb and I have decided to take a break to figure out what we really want.

Next day.  Tyler, Taylor, and Nick (who I guess is now a part of the cast) discuss the party highlights and how hungover they are.  Taylor asks Nick what’s the deal with him and Cassie.  Nick’s muscular man-cleavege is revealed by the v-neck of his shmedium shirt, and me likey.  So much that I choose to ignore his lame-ass answer about hoping Cassie doesn’t like him too much, cause he’s only interested in girls who are unattainable.  You and every other guy who has dimples like those.   Yum.

“I want what I can’t have.  What can I say?-I’m unique, I guess.”

It continues to blow my mind that every single guy I meet/date mentions how he hates girls playing games, but then we see shit like this.  Jeez.  Note to self, ladies.  Play hard to get.  Oldest rule in the book.

Kam and Robb meet for lunch. Robb apparently couldn’t make up his mind this morning between his taboggin, or his hoodie, so he opted to wear both.  Jesus.  Anyway, they both agree that their little tift was dumb, and Robb relies on good-ole Excuse #1, 2, and 3- “I was soooo drunk, I don’t remember”.  That quit working for me around age 25, when people were finally completely unamused by my alcohol intake and the behavior it entailed.  Just sayin.  Robb drops the bombshell that he likes Rach, and Kam takes it pretty well, aside from purely being annoyed by it.  For now, anyway.

Rainy day at SR.  Taylor gets a boot put on his car for unpaid parking tickets, then we see it get towed to the impound.   Tyler and Nick are in tow to support redicule Taylor througout the incident, taking pics to post on FB.  Look, people.  Since the day I got my Driver’s license, I have been struggling with situations like these on a regular basis.  I’ve been broke down, booted, towed, impounded, had my license suspended only to get arrested for driving on it, etc.  The Auburn Campus Police know me by name because of how often I lock my keys in my car.  Yes, I have like PLATINUM AAA, and it’s worth every penney.  I have been to traffic court so many times that they should have an assigned seat with my name engraved in the wood.  You name it, i’ve been pulled over, and ticketed for it.  I don’t feel bad for him.  I go from no sympathy, to pissed off when we see/hear Taylor on his cell telling his FATHER “But, Dad….YOU are supposed to pay my parking tickets!” in the whiniest, most nauseating voice EV-AH.

Are your muffin tops Dad’s fault too?  Is he to blame for you wearing skinny-jeans, Taylor?

Rach and Robb show up for their first official shift as a sort-of, almost, soon-to-be couple.  Don’t hate me, Gasmii, but I love this shit.  When you start dating a coworker, and you’re extatic just to show up.  You spend the whole night with butterflies in your stomach, smiling at your new boo, picturing the flawless future that awaits the two of you soul mates.  Two weeks later, you went from telling him you “like” him, to you “really like” him too quickly for his taste, scaring him off, or he got drunk and fucked the 21yr old hostess or whatever, so you’re stuck hating each other’s guts till one of you quits.  But THIS stage in the game is a BLAST!! Happy happy, joy joy. It’s pretty cute, and I’m jealous, bitter, and now officially want it to end.  Wow, I truely DID go through each of those emotions just now.  Scary.

Taylor can feel his demise in the air.  He’s whining to some of the other staff, as they try to relax and enjoy their break.  He interviews/whines that he’s “just a host”, and so he doesn’t have $1,000 lying around.  Why exactly are you “just a host”, Taylor?  In every resturaunt I’ve worked in, the employees who do their job with a good attitude, respect management, show up on time, pick up shifts when possible, and give great customer service, are moved up to a higher position, making better money, no?  Something tells me that Taylor might not be exactly the epitomy of good work ethic, but I dunno.  One of the hostesses tells him things will work out, and he gives her attitude saying some shit about attitude, and I cant wait for him to get canned.  Off he goes to Candy’s office! YIPEE!

Damn.  I guess this meeting was actually called by Taylor to ask for more shifts.   He goes through a long speech, and Candy is instantly annoyed.  He tells her how he needs money really bad, and blah blah.  She’s unmoved, and I’m guessing this is probably the first (and last) time Taylor is willing to work more shifts.   Candy says everyone is there to make money.  I guess that’s a “no”, and she also says he’s good sometimes with customer service, but he’s moody, and it shows.  He doesn’t react in any certain way I can pinpoint, but you can tell he thought he’d get some sort of pat on the back, but no.

“So, I’m NOT getting a promotion?”

Cassie and Nick are flirting, and she tells him that she gets along with you as long as your name isn’t Andrew and not a stripper.  Nick says “My name is ‘not a stripper’”  Whaaaaaah?  Cassie thinks this is hilarious, and me?  Not so much.  Be careful, Cassie.  Don’t laugh at him, act like you like him, complement him, talk to him, hang out with him, or acknowledge his existence, mmkay? He asks if she’s single (what?), she says “Newly”, he asks her to elaborate, she says the dude was 30, he asks her age, she says 24, then he asks “Is 25 too old?”, and I’m gonna blow my head off.  Newsflash, Dimples- 25 is less than thirty, and her ex was 30, so imma go out on a limb here and say 25 is not too old. I’m over this scene, and his Volcom shmedium t-shirt.

Taylor’s on shift.  He’s still whining about how Candy won’t give him more hours, so he’s stressed over money, and decides he’s gonna “go get cut”. For those of you who haven’t worked in food service, “getting cut” means you are sharing a shift with someone else, it’s slow enough in the night for one of you to go home, and who goes is decided in various ways.  I’ve never seen an employee just decide he’d like to be cut, and leave on his own, but whatevs.  Actually I have, and it’s called “quitting”.  Taylor is just too stressed to be concerned with all these details.  He closes his seen with a “See yaaa!”

The look of severe, dibilitating, crippling stress.

And what the fuck is that on this goofball’s lip?  Help me out people.  It mysteriously appeared around the beginning of his stress-fest.  I bet Candy would be more than willing to let him go home if she knew he had the herp.  She totes would, Taylor.  But the thought of walking all the way to the office, and taking the time to explain that he has the herp to Candy, then waiting for her reaction would be way too stressful.  Peace, Happy Herpey!

Apparently, Tay is the “Head Hostess” (i’m sure he is), so his escape doesn’t go unnotticed as planned.  Candy tells us that she’s INCREDIBALLY unattractive furious about this.  I’m furious as well, but not at Tay, but about the old-lady loose-skin squished-together cleavege that my eyes are drawn to by the mole that’s yelling at me from the top left one.  OMG, I’m gonna puke.

The face of fury.  The V-neck of all things I fear.  My. Official. Nightmare.

Larry is here.  He asks Candy if Taylor’s performance has improved since the last time he pretended to care.  Sidenote- I really wish they’d stop calling Tay’s poor work ethic “performance”.  He’s not a ballerina.  He’s not a porn-star (thank God).  He’s not a footbal player.  His job is not a “performance” in any way, shape, or form.  Jeez.  He takes people’s name, writes em down, then goes down the list, calling out the name next on the list, then takes em to a table.  His “poor performance” sounds like he’s lacking in a very important, crucial thing that he’s dedicated his blood, sweat, and tears to ultimately fuck up for the entire universe.  Let’s just take it for what it is, and all agree that he sucks.  Candy gets all twitchy and her answer is as follows: “The last time was, um, when you talked to him..um…and then we gave-er- he was uh given the final final reminding about-of the warning of-from a few months ago..”  So, that’s a no, Larry.  Try not to be so intimidating with your jeans, t-shirt, ballcap, and 5o’clock shadow, ok?  Candy is visibly shaking and fidgety in this man’s presence, and I LOVE watching it, cause at the end of the day, Larry is a person just like everyone else.  She is such an a-hole to her staff, but she can’t pull herself together when this douchebag is around.  Hey, Jello-Bags!-YOU’RE A MANAGER AT A RESTURAUNT!  TAKE A XANAX, MAKE THE SCHEDULE, COUNT THE MONEY AT THE END OF THE NIGHT, AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE!!! Is it time for Taylor to get fired yet?  Please?

Taylor interviews that he knows he was being immature yesterday, but he’s ready to start a new this time, and do a great job.  OK, here it comes, I’m sure of it.  GRRR! We have to sit through ANOTHER Tay/other hostess convo about how stressed he is before he is called to the office.  I guess complaining about what you WERE complaining about is starting anew? Alrighty.  He’s counting some money while still complaini9ng to random girl, when Candy comes up and tells him to not be working now.  I’m not sure if his shift hasn’t started, or what the deal is, but he starts talking back, and Candy puts on her Condescending Cuntpie persona, telling him “Taylor.  Listen to ME….Listen to ME..”  as if he’s a puppy, with the arm motions for a 5yr old and all that.  Tay drops the money and says “What. Everrrr.” turning around to walk away.  LOL.  He takes a minute, cools off, then finds Candy to apologize.  GOTCHA!!! hahahaha! He finds Rat-tastic and tells her all about Candy YELLING at him, and how he may have a bad ‘tude at times, but he can’t help it when he’s getting YELLED at.  LMAO.  This dude is a delusional spoiled brat.

“When she YELLS at me, I can’t PERFORM, ya know!?  It’s her fault that my PERFORMANCE sucks.  And it’s my Dad’s fault that I suck at life.  What did I do to deserve this!!!!”

Time to get fired.  Holy shit, this better be good.  He better cry, or flip out and trash the office or some shit, cause they’ve built this up like a motherfucker.  He sits down, and Candy asks him if he knows what this is about.  He can’t come up with an answer, or comes up with too many, cause he says “kind of”.  LOL.  Candy is more than happy to help him out here.  Lets start with the crucial shit.  “ATTITUDE”, and “PERFORMANCE”.  Then, he “cut” himself last night, which she (Candy, and the rest of us) cannot wrap her mind around why he thought was ok.  His massive stress level doesn’t seem like a very adequate explanation anymore to him, I suppose.  Then, we get into the “Policies and Procedures” portion, and it’s still not registering for him.  Candy continues giving him the longest “you’re fired” speech ever given, and his blank look stays put till Candy finally gives up, handing him his “dismissal” form to sign.  He says “I’m fired?”

Too stressed to focus, maybe?

Ten bucks says he shows up for his next scheduled shift with a bounce in his step, like nothing happened.  He tells us he expected a write-up, or maybe a suspension.  Awe, Tay.  I wonder if he told the impound lot “I mean, I expected a warning, or a ticket. But not to get towed.”  LOL.  You only get so many warnings, you Asshat!  The thng is, when I was head bartender at my job, there had to be a witness in the room when someone was fired, and my managers ALWAYS made me be the witness, specifically because they knew how EXTREMELY uncomfortable and bad it made me feel.  I HATE this kind of situation….EXCEPT FOR TODAY!!! LOL.  This is awesome, and I WISH I was there!  On the flipside, I have also BEEN FIRED, and it sucks much worse, of course.  Tay tells the others, and they give an unconvincing “No waaaay!”, but they all saw it coming.  As did we. Basically, averyone besides Taylor.  I hope his couple extra hours he allowed himself by “cutting” himself last night without permission was worth it.  Douche.  Peace.

The only thing that would have made this episode better would be if they let Taylor come live in my world for a week.  His worst week would be a great week for me, but he’ll never be self-aware enough to know how easy he has it.  Lastly, I’d like to announce something at this time.  After careful thought, and taking many different factors into consideration, then ultimatley this:

Where’s Waldo’s colder, grundgier little brother.

I’ve officially ended things with Robb.  I just could not look past his behavior and his obsession with appearing cold in L.A.

Have a great week!!!!

Smooches!

Tmurdaxoxox