Degrassi: Don’t Bother Unless You’re a Doctor

Last ep, we learned that Emo!Eli is on anti-anxiety meds, which is why he wasn’t pining for Clare. A reader of my last recap informed me that the season prior, he had crashed his car to get her to pay attention to him. Why didn’t I know that? Because, well, I’m too lazy to get background info on these people. Either way . . . Eli is one fucked-up kid.

We open with the Prom Committee, composed of Fiona, Holly J and Anya (the random brunette friend you probably forgot about), flipping through magazines, as part of their search for a theme. We are spared a few casual toss-outs and subsequent shoot-downs before Fiona finally has it: Alice in Wonderland, complete with “exotic teas and miniature cakes.” Anya disagrees; she was thinking “something a little less . . .” “Juvenile,” Holly J concludes. Thank you, ladies, for realizing that this theme would only be appropriate if the average age of the prom attendees was six, and the average gender was female. Before Fiona can sell them on the Tim Burton version, Anya suggests Paris. SNORE. Thanks to television, I’ve seen and heard so much about goddamn Paris that any interest I ever had in seeing the real thing has dissipated completely.

See? Boring as hell.

Somewhere along the way, Anya shifts the discussion to the hot doctor she will soon be legally allowed to date. Fiona sarcastically asks if they should add him to the guest list. Amazingly, Anya actually calls him to ask if he wants to go. She’s the type of girl who accepts a bag of oregano from a friend who tells her it’s pot. (I had a friend who did that. She was an idiot.) Conveniently, Anya puts the call on speaker so everyone can hear about her torrid affair with someone who may or may not be old enough to have birthed her. Fiona and Holly J make loud kissing sounds because they are very, very mature. Anya invites him to her party, but, alas, he can’t go. But she has a DATE with him tomorrow night! Fiona and Holly J exchange a look of concerned skepticism. Anya’s smile falters. Sweetie, the only people who don’t express concerned skepticism at relationships of this nature are the older men in them. Credits.

This episode is titled “What’s My Age Again?,” which you will remember as a hit single by blink-182, or Angels & Airwaves, or +44, or Box Car Racer, or the Transplants, or whatever the fuck they’re calling themselves this month. Science class. Hannah and Wesley flirt with each other using chemistry terms, which only sounds good on The Big Bang Theory (the only sitcom worth watching these days). Hannah catches Connor staring at her (unimpressive) rack and gets mad. Wesley thinks it was his fault. In one year, someone will make a documentary about their mission to get Wesley laid.

Anya asks Holly J and Fiona to help her choose a dress for that night, specifically which one of two says “Look at me, I’m 18″ best.

“Yeah . . . kind of hard to tell when you’re acting like a ninth-grader.”

Out of nowhere, Owen lets out an “Oh yeah!,” kind of like Duffman or the Kool-Aid mascot. Nobody gets it. The girls are joined by their friend Chantay Black, which is the most stereotypically black name ever. She wants to known if Anya got accepted to TU yet. (For the record, there’s a University of Toronto, but not a Toronto University. Nice to see the script writers hard at work on their fictional world skillz.) Anya says she’ll think about it after her date. Owen looks very surprised to learn that she has one. Presumably, Dr. Who isn’t the type of guy who randomly says “Oh yeah!” in a crowded hallway, so he shouldn’t be too shocked that Anya traded up.

At the very least, he’s not shocked enough to ask Anya if she needs help making her birthday “memorable.” She casually turns him down on the grounds that Dr. Who will be making it memorable for her. “OK, if you’re not interested, just say so,” Owen snaps, thinking she’s making it up. Clearly he’s speaking from experience, having been turned down for many dying grandmothers and hair-washing appointments. Anya, who is equally incapable of shutting her flytrap, tells him that “Dr. Chris” is 26. Anyone want to bet that he makes her call him Dr. Chris when they make out, kind of like Maestro Bob? Anya dismisses Owen: “I feel sorry for you. Next year I’ll be off at TU, dating my hot doctor, and you’ll still be a total pig.” Forget her, Owen, she’s too delusional. Yes, even for you.

In a class that involves a lot of silent writing, Connor checks out Hannah again.

Why, nobody knows.

At the end of class, Connor shyly asked her why she looked angry at him earlier. “Because you were staring at my chest!” she snaps. Connor points out that Wesley does as well, although he’s obviously much more stealth about it. Hannah walks off to Math Club in a huff, with Wesley offering to “escort” her. “Escort” is not the word you want to use in this situation. Also, Connor has Asperger syndrome, which my little brother also happens to have, and this is a fairly realistic depiction of Asperger-like behavior, although I’m sure my brother has better taste in girls than this.

Anya gets dressed at Fiona’s apartment, where Holly J is also in attendance. (Of course she is.) Anya is “sleeping over there,” and if her mom calls, she’ll be “in the bathroom.” Oh, this will work out so well. Anya plans to swipe her V-card that night, although Holly J considers this too soon, as “they haven’t seen each other in a while.” I’d add loudly that he’s 26, but Anya is technically legal, as the age of consent in Canada is 16, and they have the same age difference as my boyfriend and I. (I was 19 and he was 28 when we got together.) The only cause for alarm is the fact that she’s still in high school and he’s out of grad school. Even then, the worst she can expect is objection from her parents and ews from her girlfriends. But in a strictly legal sense, there’s really nothing perverted about this.

Whew. I apologize. Forgot that this was a Degrassi recap and our reactions are being forced out of our mouths. Anyway, Anya is offended that the girls don’t believe Dr. Maestro could be interested in “a girl like her.” Actually, I don’t either; why would he be attracted to someone who is clearly too neurotic to handle this relationship? She brushes off their concerns, as she is now an adult. Is it two days later already?

Drew (remember him?) and his mom are in an office with someone who is probably a lawyer. Mrs. Drew helpfully snaps at Drew to “let the lawyer talk,” for all the slow learners out there. The Lawyer has found some “inconsistencies” in Drew’s statement, namely his contention that he was lying on the ground while beating the victim on the head. I’d love to hear his explanation for that little doozy.

“I, uh, yanked him down on the ground by his shirt strings. And then I grabbed a brick that was just lying there and hit him with it. Yeah. That’s what happened.”

The Lawyer asks if Bianca would have had any reason to hurt MG. This would be a really good time for Drew to mentioned the attempted rape. But, no, Drew says only that MG was “harassing” Bianca and he hit him to prevent him from “hurting us.” Yeah, that’ll sell. But that’s enough for The Lawyer. Ah, but would about MG 2.0, who is still skulking about looking for drug mules? Apparently he is in custody and, thanks to Drew’s intel, will stay there. If this show were set in Winnipeg, he’d be out in a month.

Anya meets Dr. Maestro for dinner at this place.

Little Miss Steaks. That kind of sounds like “little mistakes!” Get it? IT’S A PUN!

That is easily the absolute worst name anyone could ever give a restaurant, short of P. Piggly Hogswine’s Super-Smorg. If you know a real restaurant with a worse name, I will send you a pie. It should be noted that some guy enters the joint carrying a bag with a giant Levi’s sticker on it. Ah, Degrassi, you lovable product-placement conveyance.

Anyway, Dr. Maestro is a) late because of an “emergency biopsy” (a likely story!) and b) unwilling to kiss Anya in public. She loudly assures him that she will be “18 at midnight!” A little louder, Anya, I don’t think the meat delivery guy heard you. Then she starts quizzing him about which other woman he’s banging. No. She can’t handle this at all. Dr. Maestro keeps his cool and suggest they get a table. And some wine? Please say there’ll be wine. And if not, I’ll have some.

K.C. and Jenna sit down with a bowl of popcorn, with baby Tyson safely asleep. (And the world said “FOR NOW!” in unison.) K.C., who apparently didn’t learn anything from the last episode, tries to leave so he can “catch the Lakers-Heat game at Casa Dave.” Most overhyped game ever. But Jenna wants quality time with her baby daddy, and they have a TV. So he can stay! And watch the Dancing with the Stars finals. This is why my parents have a TV in their bedroom. Also, GO TIMBERWOLVES!

Anya tells Dr. Maestro that she only applied to TU so she could be close to home and him. Toronto has five universities, four colleges and a satellite campus of the University of Guelph. Just saying. Anya tries to sell Dr. Maestro on a dessert of fried ice cream (what is this, the state fair?), but he turns her down on the ground that it’s a school night. HA!

“Oh, God . . . what am I going to tell Fiona and Holly J when they perform the hymen check?”

Dr. Maestro tells her she’s “a great girl.” Nothing good ever comes after “You’re a great girl/guy.” Indeed, he’s been offered a job with Doctors Without Borders in Kenya. “Like . . . Africa?” Anya asks. No, you twit, he’s talking about the town of Kenya in the great state of Wyoming. YES. AFRICA. And as much as he wishes she could come with him (yarite), he’ll be gone for a year. But, Anya suggests, they can see each other when he gets back. Which means they’ll never see each other again. Wah waaaaah. Commercials.

The next day, Owen comes over to Anya to bother her. And us. She walks away before he sees her cry. Damn those Kenyans and their stupid diseases! What vag-blockers! Of course, she runs right into Holly J, and tells her to cancel the birthday party because “he ended it.” Actually, his career and reality ended it, but let’s not split hairs. The two girls throw out rationalizations and excuses for a moment before deciding to go out that night for “movies and mooshu.” Yum.

Anya then sits down at a computer and heads to the TU website to see if she’s been accepted. For the record, we get our acceptance notifications by letter in the real world. In the celluloid world, Anya’s day isn’t getting any better.

“But, you know, we’ll be back in a year. It’s not that long, right?”

Bizarrely, she’s smiling. This should have been the part where she lets fly with the tears and curses herself for only applying to one school out of a possible nine. But she’s happy! What could this mean? Is she finally going to have time to write that torrid romance novel about a neurotic teenage girl and her zombie boyfriend? Is she going to backpack in Brazil? Or . . . KENYA? Oh, dear God, no.

Connor asks Wesley if he should find another lab partner, since he was the catalyst that destroyed the possibility of hot nerd lovin’. But Wesley “smoothed things over with Hannah,” so it’s all good. Then they talk about the politics of boob-staring and tight shirts. Wesley offers to find Connor a girlfriend, but he doesn’t want one; he’s just fascinated by “mammaries.” For a much better delve into this topic, please watch the “Bebe’s Boobs Destroy Society” episode of South Park and save yourself the painful dialogue.

Drew finds Bianca waiting for him . . . somewhere. He reports that The Lawyer agreed with their self-defense defense. Bianca is so happy that she drags him into the auditorium to “celebrate.” She has a forged note from his mom to get him out of class. “Drew will not make it to class today. He has an oral exam. Sincerely, Mrs. Drew.”

K.C. and Jenna listen to Tyson cry.

“Think basketball. Basketball is life. Basketball is love. Basketball makes infants go far away.”

K.C. grabs another diaper, lest Tyson have a “code brown.” (Whatever happened to “pookie?”) It’s the last one. He was supposed to buy more! But the shopping list was too long and he forgot! But he can get more! But then Jenna will be alone! But he leaves anyway! To stare longingly at ESPN magazine and think back to his glory days.

Anya shows up at Dr. Maestro’s hospital with a huge, toothy, I’m-smiling-so-you-know-I’m-happy-to-see-you-but-I-don’t-know-how-desperate-this-looks grin.

“See what I mean? Stage-five clinger.”
“Good luck, bro.”

She “floats an idea” by him: What if she came to Africa with him? “I know we’ve only known each other a short time, but I think it would be unfair not to give us a chance,” she adds. GAH! See, ladies, this is why you should never take a man at face value before you lock him down. You’ll interpret everything literally and look like a chump. Sure enough, Dr. Maestro reminds her that they’ve only been on one date. Finally realizing what a fool she’s making of herself, Anya exits the hospital before Dr. Maestro can comfort her by listing her attributes.

K.C. sits in the sports bar at The Worst-Named Restaurant Ever with a bunch of fat guys. He notes that they’re looking for a dishwasher. He quizzes Chantay, a waitress, about it. Apparently scraping nacho cheese off plates is preferable to watching TV with his baby mama, baby and mama. To his credit, though, he did buy the diapers. And with this new job, not only will they be able to afford diapers, but baby wipes! MIRACLE!

Mrs. Drew informs her boy that “the detective” couldn’t keep MG 2.0 in jail. Drew is unimpressed with her seeking a restraining order, which, in this case, is about as effective as sanctions against Iran. He’s even more unimpressed with her reminder that she warned him about “that girl.” Did she know Bianca was involved with gangs before, or did she just look at her clothing and go from there? Nice, Mrs. Drew, very nice indeed.

The Canadian, better-smelling version of the Meatpacking District.

Anya returns to Fiona’s apartment to find her, Holly J and all their friends waiting to surprise her! But Dr. Maestro surely won’t be there, so she’ll choose to have no fun. In addition, Fiona and Holly J scrapped the “Paris” theme for “apartment living room.” But there’s a TU guy waiting to meet her! Anya runs off to “freshen up” (read: climb out the window and hopes everyone is too busy partying to look for her).

Connor, Wesley and Hannah are all present. Why? Because we need to finish off their plotline so we can put them on reserve for the next three episodes. While Wesley and Hannah run off to wish Anya happy birthday (“Thanks. Um, who are you again?”), Wesley tasks Connor to find himself a girlfriend. How can such a supposedly smart kid not know what horrible advice that is? Sure enough, when Connor spots Fiona, the first thing he tells her is that cheese has four types of bacteria. Wesley? Get a book on Asperger syndrome. You like books, don’t you? Read it. Commit it to memory. Then give this kid advice on the ladies.

Connor bolts from the room in embarrassment and finds himself in a room full of snowglobes and unusually seductive undawears. It’s either Fiona’s or Mrs. Fiona’s bedroom. I’m hoping for the latter. Anya throws him out so she can freak out in peace. Connor pockets the panties and parts from the pad. And Anya sobs a lot. Commercials.

2 a.m. Tyson is hungry. K.C. hates having to heat his bottle on the stove. Jenna reminds him that they can’t afford an electric bottle warmer. If those things exist, you can probably flip on the TV and watch that British guy screaming at you about how awesome it is.

You, sir, are no Vince.

K.C. floats his idea of working part-time in the evenings at The Worst-Named Restaurant Ever. I bet many of you expect her to freak out, remind him that she wanted him to just be there, wake up the kid and Mrs. K.C. and generally ruin everything. But she’s finally come around to the idea, “as long as you’re working for us.” So much for that Raptors TV subscription.

Owen (like we needed him!) finds Anya in Fiona’s bedroom. He’s escaping all the talk of future university majors. (You know who we haven’t found escaping to Fiona’s bedroom tonight? FIONA.) Anya, speaking for thousands, tells him to leave. He says he can’t because he won’t be able to hook up with her that way. Anya? Pain him. Now. But his comment that Dr. Maestro’s departure to Africa is “his loss” is enough for this to happen.

Striking out with the ladies? Just give her a two-word compliment. You’ll be getting some in seconds, or your money back.

Next episode: Dave gets a plot of his own. Also, the word “tranny” becomes controversial. But, more importantly, Dave gets a plot of his own.