Denise Richards: Not really all that complicated.

It IS complicated. IT IS!

Hello, lovers. It’s Miss Internet Sensation here to delve into the latest addition into the reality canon, Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. Now, I’ll be honest, I didn’t come into this as a big Denise Richards hater. I would say she’s mostly been irrelevant in my world, but at the very least, I would say I don’t mind her. She singlehandedly inspired a generation of bisexual girls (Who hates on that?) and was in one of my favorite black comedies of the nineties, Drop Dead Gorgeous, where she was admittedly really awesome as the Jesus freak pageant psycho. Plus she screwed over the untouchable Amanda Woodward, like some life imitating art imitating Melrose Place action. That’s kind of awesome, too. But this show is no Wild Things, Drop Dead Gorgeous or Melrose Place. It’s “It’s Complicated” and that means we get to watch Denise run around with pigs and talk about how normal she is. And she really was married to Charlie Sheen. So. At least you have me to help you through.

Our story begins with Denise and Michelle, sister, best friend and also the voice of reason, at least compared Big D. Denise says that Michelle thinks she knows what’s best for her. We all know what’s best for you: stop procreating with douchebags and effing Heather Locklear’s husband. It doesn’t take a blood relative to get that. Yes, she admits her “type” doesn’t seem to be working out so well. That type being the classic self-absorbed asshole who is irresistible to all women.

So her first act as an independent woman taking back her life is a stop to the DMV. She’s changing her name from Sheen back to Richards. Take that, Chuck! See how she’s moving on? She doesn’t care at all. Despite what the tabloids say about her begging for more Sheen-sperm, she’s showing the world who’s really boss. Her driver’s license! She half-poses for pictures and pouts about waiting with the rest of the hoi polloi.

I think that’s one of Charlie Sheen’s favorite hookers.

Whatever. Waiting at the DMV is so for Mexicans.

But at last! Enough of the pretend-to-not-be-posing posing! It’s Ms. Richards’s turn. And big ups to the DMV! While celebs can get special treatment at clubs, stores and jail, the one place where we are all treated as cock-a-roaches equally is the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Denise presents her legal document from the judge, but it does not specifically say on the paperwork that she would be restored to the former name. In all fairness, it’s really quite stupid that someone just can’t get their own damn birth name on their license, especially when they show the divorce certificate. Like, you have to go to a judge ask permission to have your own name? But at the same time, I’m not surprised.

Denise knows how to handle these types of situations. She dismisses the first lady and demands to speak with a superior. No sweat, says the lady. I’d pass the buck, too. Out comes the next ranking officer in middle management. The judge has to put it on the decree. “That’s stupid,” sayeth Denise flatly. Can I speak to your manager. Of course. Buck passed again. And then when our final civil emerges we learn that Denise is suffering. She’s sweaty and she’s itchy. Um, gross. Do you suffer from psoriasis? Or some Sheen-bequethed STD? TMI.

But the head manager doesn’t give a rats ass about Denise’s dermatitis. And when Denise announces (after being shut down a third time) that this is a pain in the ass, the manager smiles in mockery.

Oh, it actually says it right here. NOT COMPLICATED.

Were you one of Charlie Sheen’s hookers?

We don’t have Charlie’s sperm here, sugartits.

She now has to go back to the judge. And that settles it. She will never ever change her name again. Unless it’s for Richie. Denise Sambora sounds so glamorous.

And now for the intro to the show. Which I watched twice I was so enthralled. All the labels of Denise are put on display: Glamour girl, gold digger, single mom, bitch, sex symbol, husband stealer, paparazzi magnet, MOVIE STAR! And OMG, who came up with this? This is like some telenovela shit. Univision should feel really ripped off.

PUTA!

AY, PUTA MADRE!

This will entertain me each week more than the show.

But now let’s get to know the real Denise. We know her as the Bond girl, the girl from Wild Things (Haaay!), the girl from the tabloids, but behind all that, she’s really just about family. She’s really just about living in the tumbleweeds in a yert. You know?

Kidding. This is where her private paparazzi live.

She informs us she lives in a small community outside of LA (Malibu, I’m sure, is that small humble community.) And she’s there with her daughters and her dad, Irv, who has lived with her since her mom passed away. And they just do things like make cookies and talk about what husband of a beloved actress she should steal next. Just your typical family banter.

And now let’s meet Sho, Denise’s assistant. Denise has SO much going on in her life that she had to hire another assistant, Sabrina. (People on reality shows love to talk about how much they have going on in their life, while real busy celebs never have reality shows. Ever notice? But that just makes me think to myself that Little Edie totally would have had her own reality show.) Anyway, what’s really going on is that Sho-nuff is a bit of a half wit, so Denise has had to bring in another mental giant to do things like clean up dog feces.

Denise is out and about with Shogun today and he is giggling about forgetting her coffee and getting them lost. Working for a celebrity is so funny!

Another Heather Locklear reject.

So Denise has, like, thirty-five dogs and twelve cats and two pigs and it’s a bit disgusting. Why celebrities hire assistants to take care of them and then deem themselves capable of caring for scores of animals is beyond me. And inside her modest abode, the stairs are covered in cheetah print and she has three thousand pairs of designer shoes whose combined cost probably equals that of her home. It’s all so complicated I can’t even think about it.

So now Sho and sister Michelle are on a website called “Who’s dated who” and Denise is going to come brag about all the notches in her belt and deny the ones she was too drunk to remember. Patrick Muldoon, Colin Ferrell. Yes, yes. But not Mario Lopez. John Stamos was a fling, but he didn’t want to date a woman with children. But hell to the no she never slept with Scott Baio!

But Scott Baio does have a reality show. We should join forces somehow. Get those Lohans involved, too.

But what’s the common thread among all of these men? They all suck. And the internet is in sissy’s camp. Denise admits she likes guys that have dark hair and high STD potential, a quality she dubs “passionate”. But pot-kettle here. Michelle’s hubby is covered in tattoos, so who’s with a bad boy? Tattoo does not a bad boy make. Spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on hookers does.

And when was the last non-Hollywood boyfriend? Oh, you know. High school. And all this talk of douchebaggery is also making her itch. Does Denise have a skin disorder? She’s making me start to itch.

The Itchy and Scratchy show.

But enough of itching! Here’s a montage of piggy love-making. Gross and grosser. And Itchy walks in on our hot and heavy couple. She’s mortified. She runs back in to find Scratchy and tell him what’s happening in the yard. Although she clearly got a good look. She describes it like a corkscrew and was curling in and out. Dad voms in the sink.

You’re so funny! And now I’m throwing up like we’re in a Farrelly brothers movie! You should be in one of those, honey!

Oh, look. Who knew Itchy was friends with Audrina from The Hills? Just kidding. She’s not wonky-eyed enough to be Audrina.

OMG! We’ll be like The Hills, but, like, old and in Malibu.

It’s her BFF, Trish, but for our purposes her name is Oldrina. And Oldrina is on a mission to get Denise a man. She wants Denise to go out with just a normal guy, but Denise hates normal guys. She hates talking to them and definitely hates being seeing with them on camera. Famous douchebags only.

What is normal anyway, Itchy pontificates? For her normal means famous actor or rock star. Her friends tell her rock stars are out of the question. But Richie didn’t do drugs! Aw, so why did that fizzle out? Did he still smell like Heather, the fairest of them all? Oldrina thinks that she needs to stop the madness and get a normal guy, like normal to us normal. But no way will Itchy go on a blind date! But Oldrina is determined. She’s already lined up a date and Itchy says her heart just fell out her ass. Ho! Heart falling out of your ass. That’s a good one.

OMG. I’m LMAO. How does my daughter not have Cammy Diaz’s career? She’s just as hilary!

So she’s going at six tonight, Oldrina orders it. She’ll have a stomache but she’ll go. This bitch has more ailments than an entire hospital floor.

Anyway, back to piggy matters. So being a celebrity means you get to have your vet come to you. The pig doc on wheels is here to sedate she-pig Charlotte and check her lady parts to see if the corkscrew got her knocked. And now mad hijinks ensue as Itchy chases Charlotte around and our nervous nelly shits on the bedroom floor. It’s scary to have Itchy at your heels. Charlotte doesn’t want to catch anything. But it’s no sweat to have your pig shit in your house when you’re Itchy. One of your eighty dogs will be by in a jiffy to eat it up.

So it turns out Charlotte’s not pregnant, and Itchy is devastated because she thinks Charlotte will be an amazing mom. Maybe amazing as Itchy. Just kidding! Not possible. Itchy’s the best! So now Itchy is on a mission to get Charlotte knocked by a manly pig stud. But let’s be real. Itchy just likes to be in hot pursuit of any stud. And now she’s on the prowl on behalf of Char.

It’s about time I just go for a literal pig.

She has one aborted phone call when the woman gets weirded out by her asking for pig sperm, but then she finds a ranch that will cater to her matchmaking schemes. The first one is as big as a horse. Seriously. It should be in the Guinness Book of World Records. It’s like prehistoric size big. It scares Itchy a bit and probably makes her itch, so she’s introduced to another one and falls in love with him so much she buys him. She doesn’t want to just use him as a stud. Divorce is too hard on the family. That’s why Denise married the Most Famous John In the World because they’re known for their devotion and stability.

She takes it home and daddy Irv falls over chuckling at the sight of her.

OMG. You’re a sex symbol holding a pig! Why aren’t you cast opposite Will Farrell? That kind of irony is so his thing!

Pig poop is falling all over the kitchen and she’s telling her dad how excited she is to keep pig Bob. Her dad is not into keeping him, but she gets her daughters on her side and rolls out the red carpet for Bob. He gets to stay inside the house tonight, wrapped in the finest leopard print pashmina throws AND wear her daughers’ diapers.

Only the 365 Organic Brand of diapers will do.

And now it’s time for Itchy’s date! But she doesn’t want to go. She’d rather stay home with her kids. Just kidding! She’d rather stay home with Bob and his poopy diaper. Really. She said that.

So to get ready, she bathes in a bubble bath and tries to convince us yet again she’s just a regular gal from Illinois. She’s not the girl from Wild Things. She’s not the Bond girl. Don’t keep reminding us. That’s why we like you. And despite the fact she’s not interested, she’s still gonna make sure this guy becomes her stalker and will do whatever it takes to be the hottest thing he’s ever laid eyes on. So bring over the personal tanner! No girl is complete without a spray on tan!

Oldrina and her husband come over and Itchy says she feel sick and she’s gonna shit herself and she’s sweating her tanner off. Itchy’s a damn mess all the time. Her health sounds a bit complicated, I’ll give her that. On the drive over, she says that this date will be a litmus test of sorts. Will he be able to get past the fact that she has Charlie Sheen’s kids, rudely stole Amanda Woodward’s husband and lives with her dad? Oh, she’s hot. Somebody will.

So she commits to going out for one hour and Oldrina leaves them. And these two are in pain. They have nothing to say to each other.

Well. This is normal.

But finally! And ice breaker. How did she meet Oldrina? Well that just brought on more awkwardness. She met Oldrina because Richie referred her to his chiropractor and Oldrina’s his wifey. And thus begins the uncomfortable line of questioning. Does she still talk to Richie? No. It upset the Ex (Lady Locklear) too much. Is she still friends with Perfection Herself? Oh, yeah! She’s over for coffee every Sunday. Oh, humor again! Denise was so robbed of her rightful role playing opposite Ashton in “What happens in Vegas”.

So Austin, who even I would not thought was a good match for Itchy, then practically says point blank he doesn’t date divorcees. Well, this was fun. He then adds that the first movie he saw her in was Wild Things. Yes he remembers Wild Things. That had Matt Dillon in it. Austin loves Matt Dillon. And now that’s just weird. No one remembers anything about that movie except for the hot pool scene where she hooks up with Neve Campbell. I was convinced I needed a boyfriend AND a girlfriend when I saw that scene. But not Austin. Austin just thinks of what stellar acting choices Matt Dillon made in that film.

You’re so funny you could have been in You, Me and Dupree. With Matt Dillon.

So of course she comes out of the date asking Oldrina if he’s gay. What red-blooded man says that they loved Matt Dillon in that bi-curious classic? Gay or not, that guy was lame anyway. I wouldn’t have gone out with him either and I’m not a famous actress. That said I do only date directors and photographers. What can I say? It’s complicated. She can’t help it if she’s attracted to hot, sexy guys with big dicks. OMG. Me, too again! Maybe Itchy is as complicated as ME!

And the next day she’s in down home fambly mode again. She’s throwing a backyard BBQ for her dad. And dad points out that she doesn’t actually have a grill to throw a backyard BBQ. Oops! Celebrities don’t keep track of that kind of thing, silly dad! So they trot off to the BBQ grilling store and Itchy wants to get the most expensive grills, while midwest dad wants the oldfashioned kind. They meet in the middle and another celebrity-regular person shopping trip has ended happily.

And now we’re at the BBQ and we get to see what a family gal Itchy is. Forget about the pigs and dudes with big dicks. This is what Itchy really cares about. Itchy basically wants her dad to know he’s here to stay. She’s made a lot of mistakes and wants she and her dad to have a fresh start. She wants to take care of him. She wants a free babysitter.

This is all making eyeball itch.

Her cute little daughter asks why she’s sad and she says that she’s not sad, she’s happy. Aw. I hope her kids aren’t whored out on this show. We’ve barely seen their faces and I hope it stays that way. But enough of that family crap. It’s pig time. And Bob is right on top of Charlotte. He’s half her size and he’s going after her like, well. Let’s talk about something else.

So that’s it for today, but what can we expect this season? Well, lots of typical single mom behavior: pole dancing, bikini modeling, covering up tattoos and screaming at people. Ah, Itchy. You are a card.

So what do you guys think? Is she a self-absorbed beeotch or just a family gal who likes pigs? I have to say, I still don’t hate her. She’s a hot itchy mess, but I think it works for her.

See you next week.

xoxo, Lady S.