Denise Richards: C*nt Is a Many Splendored Thing

Welcome back to week two! It’s Denise Richards versus the world this week. Or at least tabloid journalism. She also attempts to stop using the C-word, which I sure can’t figure out why she would want to. But our Itchy is complicated. And I don’t pretend to understand her mysterious ways. Read on as I try and understand the ways of this exotic she-creature.

A little bit rock n roll, a lot cuntry.

So this week starts off with another sad tale of celebrity wrongdoing. Itchy, Oldrina and sister Michelle are going over the latest tangled tales and they’re all LTAO. Shocking news! Betrayed! the rags cry. “The ring is back on”, says Oldrina dramatically and the girls have a laugh. But really. How dare those tabloids print false information. Well, how about no information then. Will that make ya happy, Big D? Methinks not. Itchy only likes to hear what her private yert-dweling paps have to say. But really. How could people even believe this crap? Itchy can’t fathom how people can buy those twisted, hurtful non-truths.

“Did you drive by her house playing “Wanted Dead or Alive” on a boom box?” inquires Oldrina. Which would be awesome, parenthetically. Actually it was the other way around, Not our Itchy. Apparently “she” had to drive down the hill past Itchy to get out of the neighborhood and she would play her Bon Jovi as loud as possible. At least it was a good song, concedes Itchy.

Wait. Are you trying to get Charlie’s sperm? No really. US Weekly is way more reliable than Star.

And now intro time! It never gets old.

Chinga tu madre!

Back on the farm, Itchy has nothing else to do but read everything that’s written about her, as no one realizes she actually doesn’t do anything but read what they make up. Now she is checking out a Perez Hilton posting on her, titled “Skank Alert”. This upsets Oldrina, as this might get in the way of her relentless pursuit of setting Itchy up with a non-whoring, small-membered man.

People are so mean and have a lot of time on their hands, the girls lament. “She looks like eighties hooker”, the post says. Maybe I should take it as a compliment, she suggests. Yeah, she should! It means Charlie will want her back. They trot out the Spitzer girl as proof that high class hookers are indeed hot stuff. You’re in good company. Chuck will want you. But in all seriousness. People are so mean to pretty girls.

Show some sensitivity. She’s an amputee hooker.

She takes the Perez piece to her dad (she even printed it out) and wah-wahs about it. Her dad calls him a jerk, but Itchy says that’s not the half of it. He’s a f*cking asshole. He doesn’t even know her! I mean, come on. At least give her nineties hooker. That cross permanently tied around her neck just screams 1992 YM model.

Back off, c*nt. YM was a great f*cking magazine.

Her dad thinks that she looks nice in that picture. Well #$%* them! shouts Itchy. And then like eight more times. She sure loves that word. And the family starts laughing like she’s a two-year-old that just discovered a new vocabulary word. Speaking of, then her daughters run in and we realize the gravitas of this sitch. The young things could have heard the “F” word. Now that would be a travesty. How bout they find out that their dad loves hookers? Hooker-loving is like puppies and rainbows compared to some profanity.

So with the prospect of young children hearing the filth spewing forth from mommy’s mouth, Itchy realizes that she needs to curb this habit before it spirals out of control. How ’bout a money jar, she suggests? Dad sees right through that one. Oh, you don’t care about that. She’ll just toss a few quarters in and keep on truckin’. What will really cut her to the quick? What would truly cut any woman living in the Western world to the quick? There’s only one answer: Messing with their SHOE COLLECTION. As we’ve learned from SATC, women aren’t complete without their overpriced, designer-labeled shoe collection. They like shoes better than sex, chocolate and champagne. Women love shoes. So this will indeed be more painful than finding out your husband is famous for boffing hookers.

So Itchy agrees. Because she knows that this is gonna make her think twice about dropping the F-bomb. To wit: Itchy spent her very first paycheck on a pair of D&Gs. To separate Itchy from her shoes would be like not letting piggy Charlotte fulfill her destiny as a mother. The earth might spontaneously switch poles in protest. Shoes it is.

Dad still thinks she won’t make it an hour.

This is such a wacky and funny idea! Somebody get Adam Sandler on the phone!

Now Itchy’s back on the streets, this time with Oldrina in tow. While in the car she gets a phone call from her publicist. Those meany tabloids are at it again! Something about her dead mom and innocent lamb children. Ah, hell naw. You don’t bring in fambly. So Itchy wants a meeting with this reporter. Publicist thinks this is a bad move, but Oldrina is by her side encouraging some irrational, confrontational behavior. I second the motion. This will be awesome. Are they giving her sh*t about having her kids appear on the show. For Itchy that just begs the question: What reality show DOESN’T have children??

Huh? How about The Apprentice, The Girls Next Door, Rock of Love, Paradise Hotel, The Bachelor, Big Brother…what reality show does have children on it? Reality TV is actually not for children. Unless you’re Dina Lohan or Scott Baio and then you’re all, Hells yeah! But, let’s not that little piece of logic stand in her way. She’s gonna go to the “wall” for her family.

Today she’s going to meet with one of the journalists to make sure that she doesn’t say anything harmful about her family. She goes into a generic office building to meet with Lycia, a celebrity journalist. (Who I discovered, with a little googling, is a writer for People magazine and also an actor herself. Surely being a fellow SAG member will help these two bond.)

When she enters the woman is polite and Itchy is delighted to find a dog in there. An auspicious start. But it rapidly devolves from there in an awesome fashion.

You will shake my dog’s hand, crazy sperm huntress.

So it’s a little awkward, says Itchy. Well, what’s the problem? asks Lycia. I don’t even know what we’re talking about. What’s the problem, asks Itchy, other than your name sounding like a cleaning product?

Well, begins Itchy, most publicists don’t like when we talk to you in person, but I’ve been through the wringer with the press. And a lot of it’s not true. And then Itchy gets tears in her eyes, y’all. Itchy IS just like us. She has feelings, too!

Well, why are you doing a show? Lysol wants to know and Itchy throws her mom under the bus for this. Really? Whose mom wants them to do a reality show? I’m not saying she’s lying, but really, Itchy, you didn’t want to it at all? She says she was approached for years, but said no. Lysol is all faux concern and journalistic optimism. Oh, so that was one of your mom’s last wishes? She wanted you to do a show? Could that be a story? And this just gets the waterworks going with Itchy. They were in negotiations when she died. It’s emotional. She doesn’t want to be harassed about giving her a story here.

Oh, JK, Itchy Rich! She’s not going to write that! But for serious. Is there any story she can give her? She’s gotta give her something. Itchy’s eyes get all big and incredulous at that. Does Itchy not get how this works? Why does she think they make shit up? There’s not enough real shit to write about, so eventually you have to start saying whatever. And Lysol totally hates to be the bossy news bitch, but is there a story in this? Does she want to put a new story out there or does she want to squash a rumor, she prompts, trying to help Itchy along. Well, there’s two sides to every story, says Itchy, not wanting to say anything else about anything else. Itchy can’t believe the audacity of this cleaning product.

…

Okay. Ix-nay on the dead mom thing. Got it! How about sperm hunting?

!!!

I’m sorry. Allow me to put on my “I care deeply” face.

And then Lysol acidly tells her that she doesn’t know how to put it gently, but with all her drama over the past few years, she would believe ANYTHING said about Itchy. That’s cold, Lysol. Well, how much of it do you think is true? You’ve never met me, reminds Itchy. Yes this is true, says Lycia. But my job is to make up shit about people that I don’t know, so what’s your point?

And since Itchy doesn’t really have a point she just decides to talk about how there’s children involved. Ah, yes. When in doubt, talk about your kids. Don’t play the parent card, says Lysol. Exactly. Because what do children have to do with banging Heather Locklear’s man?

And then Lysol reminds that they were all on Itchy’s side and that she was in the tabloids’ good graces with her divorce with Chuck, but then she “tipped off” the paps and was seen kissing Richie. Tipped off the paps? Bitch, what? Itchy calls BS and argues that no one in their right mind would fuel their own bad press.

Okay, let’s back up. It’s time to give a condescending lecture. Itchy tries to tell her that it might be hard to change a public image that she herself helped create. In the public eye, her image has backfired because people think she was in cahoots with the paps to create it. Let me explain, she cajoles. Yes, please do, this is gonna be rich, Itchy says. Itchy is ready to pull up a chair and hear all about how Lycia can tell her how to change it. So maybe these two are gonna get along after all.

Let me use a hand to illustrate my point.

Oh, I’ll meet you one hand and raise you two, puta.

I spoke too soon. We have a very abstract conversation about The Truth. At this point, does Itchy even know the truth? Heather, paparazzi, blah blah blah. Then Lysol brings up the seventeen page “tell-all” Itchy did, but the “tell-all” was to a judge with a lawyer, which seems less gossip rag and more official court document, but whatevs, Lysol. I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve spun a word or two. The document was public record and she couldn’t help that it got out.

Itchy has the upper hand and right when things are getting real, ol’ Lysol gets a phone call and DARES to answer it, in the presence of Itchy.

Hold on. This might be my Perez Hilton. He says the funniest shizz about you.

Lysol even cuts her off with a “hold on a second”. Itchy, NOT amused, says that she’ll be right back, but then doubles back and says that she’s DONE. Lysol gets off the phone with “Whitney” pretty quickly, but it’s not quick enough for Itchy. She’s kind of lost it now.

Itchy sort of leaves then comes back, it’s like a lover’s tiff when the girl wants to leave but hangs around thinking she can get in one last zinger, and says “There’s children involved” one more time as if that’s what this is all about. She brings up the seventeen page document she never wants her kids to see. But seeing this embarrassing display on basic cable, hells yeah!

This is also probably the best day of Lysol’s life.

This is the best day of my life.

Lysol assures her that this is working really well for her career. Oh, sarcasm! Well played, Lysol. That just enrages Itchy more and she tells her to do her f*cking homework, you f*cking c*nt.

No eres la estrella de mi telenovela, puta!

The damage is done. Itchy is crying as she leaves and when she gets back to the car tells Oldrina that it went horribly and that she called ol’ Lysol c*nt. How Oldrina didn’t see this coming, I don’t know, but as expected it was a complete disaster and Lysol can only be wishing she could run a cover story in People on this. At least for once she would have first hand information.

So where do we go from here? Now it’s time for Itchy to check in with her agent Chuck James. He’s been her agent for fifteen years. He’s a dear friend to her so she feels like she can confide in him her faux pas of calling a journalist a f*cking c*nt. She explains: I blew up, yelled at her, cried and walked out. She repeats the name she called her a few times. Then they take turns spelling it out. It’s like a celebration of a crowning achievement in the English language and I LOL each time. C*NTC*NTC*NT!!!! It sure is underutilized in this world. I want to start using it as a term of endearment. Oh, you lovable c*nt!

I busted my ass to get you in “Blonde and Blonder” and you’re just going to throw your career away like this? You C*NT!

But when is this crap gonna end? moans Itchy. It’s hard to be beautiful and rich and misunderstood. Chuck James recommends going on the record once and for all with a reliable new portal and Itchy says that she’s had offers from several magazines so she’s just going to talk to the most reputable and The World can see the Real Itchy and decide for Themselves. Just end it and redirect the energy, says Chuck. Oh, yeah. Let’s get that energy flowing in a new stream. Maybe we can bust The Secret and manifest a new bicycle while we’re at it.

So Itchy chooses Redbook. She knows her publicist might not approve but she’s tired of saying no comment. Itchy has lots and lots of comments, some of them involving really awesome and creative uses of profanity. And Redbook? You can’t get much older and lamer than that crowd. Itchy will look like a square for sure! Not counting the racy ads those Celebrity Apprentii made last season, Redbook is a safe way to come across as a good martyred single mother.

Itchy goes home and lines up her interview with Redbook and dad is in the kitchen supervising to make sure she doesn’t fly off the handle, Itchy style. She knows that Redbook is known for bringing the “hard-hitting” jounalism, but Itchy is prepared for it. She’s gonna be honest. She’s tired of being beaten down and tired of being told how to say things. She just really wants to let it rip. Can’t a girl just do that?

Don’t f*ck with me, you f*cking f*ck. Or I’ll bring my cameras to your offices, too. Denise is gonna show Denise who’s boss.

Next day Itchy and Dad are in the car driving to the shoot, and Itchy is cussin’ up a storm, which means by this point she’s probably lost 50% of her 5,594 pairs of shoes. She says she looks like sh*t cause she has no make up on, but Itchy always look perfect. Whatevs.

So she informs us that she loves to get her hair and makeup done and be the pampered princess that she is. But she can’t fully enjoy the process today because the interviewer, Lori, had the nerve to show up and get her all anxious. Itchy needs a massage now. She needs someone to touch her lovingly other than Charlotte and her cloven hoof.

Richard and Karen are doing her hair and makeup and she trusts them implicitly. They have known her a long time and she can count on them to give her solid advice. So she decides to ask them how honest she should be. You have to be careful, because they can turn on you, warns Sage Karen. Oh, it’s time to tell your side of the story, encourages Richard, throwing caution to the wind. Everybody is talking except you. So spill it, puta! Should she bring up Heather? she muses. As long as you don’t sound angry is the consensus. So, basically. Yes yes yes!

Sometimes we just gotta humiliate ourselves for the betterment of humanity.

And I think Itchy looks really beautiful in the shoot. That amputee hooker has a perfect nose at least. She says that the last Redbook cover she did was with hooker-lover ex-douchebag and that they’d broken up by the time it came out. The photographer explains that it happens when every couple he shoots, elucidating why the demise happened after all. All this hooker talk and it was all just this a-hole!

This is one of my classic poses from the f*cking YM days.

So Lori is coming over to do the interview at the house and Itchy is still debating about Heather questions and talking about their friendship and how can she not get pissed off talking about it? Maybe I didn’t follow this story closely, but shouldn’t Heather be the one pissed? Maybe I need to hear Itchy’s side after all.

So for the first time she’s sitting down with a journalist and setting the record straight! And let’s dive right in. Your story felt very relevant to our readers, Lori says. All of our readers understand what it’s like to steal a man from Heather Locklear. Totally resonates.

So, digs Lori, do you ever ask yourself, where did I make a misstep? Oh, but you can’t fool Itchy. I know what you’re getting at, she says. The Heather and Richie thing. Weeeeell, Lori says, People say, Oh, she stole her husband AND she was a friend.

And Itchy’s blue eyes are goin’ off. Is this gonna make her lose it?

¿Quieres una parte de mi tambien, puta? ¡Vamanos!

So come on, set the record straight. Well, can I ask you a question, Itchy turns the tables. How does someone really steal a husband? I don’t know. They don’t. Lori says. Exactly! People “talk out of their ass”. It didn’t have to be fueled the way it was, she insists. She wasn’t best friends with Heather. She hadn’t even been friends with her for months before she and Richie hooked up. If they had been BFFs, she never would have crossed that line. Did she hook up with her soon-to-be ex-husband. Yes. Did she have an affair? No. There’s a difference. She feels she respected her marriage. She tried to take the high road and not say anything and feels she got screwed. Well Itchy set it straight. Who’s buyin’ what she’s sellin’?

::Cough::Whore::Cough::

So, would you do anything differently, asks Lori? No way. She doesn’t regret going out with Richie. He showed her mad, big c*ck lovin’ like she’d never known before. And her goal with the show is to show the myriad of nuanced sides that the world doesn’t know about. Poor little dear was afraid to leave her house with the paps hounding her and her mother was dying of cancer. She just wants to help people that have lost a parent, gone through a divorce, are single parents. Itchy is actually a saint and when she finishes her soliloquy she sprouts wings and flies up into heaven.

Not really. She finishes up her interview by talking about how she wants to always be in the moment and enjoy her life. She wants to instill in her daughters what her parents instilled in her. If you screw up, you have to pay the consequences. So she hopes her daughters marry hooker loving douches as long as they have big dicks!

Well Lori for one thinks that she’s doing something really important for women. And alls well that ends well. Thank god there’s a happy ending for Itchy this week. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep tonight feeling that pretty little Itchy is misunderstood by Humanity.

But, Itchy did screw up and now she has to pay the consequences. She may have made it through the Redbook gauntlet but dad reminds her that she’s been cussin up a storm and that she owes like thirteen or fourteen pairs of shoes. Since she’s his little princess, he says he’ll make it an even twelve and she still pouts about that. She should be allowed to swear during a stressful interview! Nope. Get your shoes together, he says. Fine. He says it hurts him more than it hurts her, but whatever, she says. She’s just making room for more. He pulls out some hooker shoes and says those have to go. Go, Dad!

And, wait a flippin’ second, she doesn’t get them back? She has to get rid of them forever? Oh man. That’s harsh. They head on over to a Goodwill in what is most likely Calabasas and I really want to know which one they go to, because I’m a good American woman just like the next gal and I would love to get my hand on those designer hooker shoes. Actually they all kind of suck.

A label does not a good shoe make.

And Itchy continues to work her magic wherever she goes.

OMG. She’s hilarious! Are you sure you’re not filming a major motion picture comedy here?

Walking back to the car, Itchy lets loose a slew of “f*cks”, and as they saunter into the sunset dad just laughs.

And…scene.

So that’s all for this week, but I for one can’t wait to see what shenanigans she’s up to next week. Looks like she’s gettin’ nekkd, posing for Playboy and shocking Oldrina again. Also looks like they could use a copyeditor.

I got a mad hot body, too.

So what do you think? I find Itchy Rich to be just a hoot. I thought this was going to be an arduous exercise in recapping, but I’m kind of digging her. Am I the only one that likes her? I kind of want to hang out with her. And Lycia v. Itchy. Who do you think won? I’d love to hear what y’all are thinking if anyone else is actually watching.

xoxo, Lady S.