Denise Richards: To Ho Or Not To Ho

I know you have been waiting with bated breath for this recap, so without further adieu…

If only I could.

Yes, this recap is late. I woke up Tuesday morning to glands swollen to tumor-like proportions and a throat that felt like knives were scraping it when I swallowed. Then some dude hit my car and I had to deal with that all this week and basically, what I’m sayin’ is, Itchy and her ways did not seem all that important while I struggled with daily activities like drinking water and stealing other people’s antibiotics.

Because before all this went down, I was madly enthralled with the complicated world of our girl Denise Richards. I had started doing some research on the ‘net and wouldn’t you know, people hate this bitch! I was totally out of touch. People hate this show and they think she’s a no-talent dimwit. Whoa. I think she rules. So let this recap be your appetizer for tonight’s new entrée and hopefully I’ll be the next media outlet she seeks. I will totally do you a solid, girl. But we can still call each other c*nts if you want to. In fact, I would prefer it. Let’s be friends.

So one of the things I learned about is that according to her imdb profile, her nickname is Fluffy Girl. I’ll give you a moment to let that sink in. Fluffy. Is she like a professional fluffer? A kitten? A roll of toilet paper? Basically, I shan’t refer to her as anything else unless she starts talking weirdo again about how everything makes her itch.

So today Fluffy is meeting with Chuck to discuss some new “career opportunities”. They are going to discuss the second season of her reality show over tea and scones. Kidding. The opportunities are way better than that. She’s got Playboy “hounding” her AGAIN. She got the offer to do another cover. And much to my surprise, she looks radiant at the news. From my perspective, it appears that Chucky is trying to slip her a No face, but she just says she thinks it would be good for her. After two kids, they still want her on the cover! From Redbook to Playboy! Fluffy can do it all! God, I love Fluffy.

Do they bond over their fish lips?

Get Angelina in here and we’ll have The Triplets of Hellville.

She-Fish Lips doesn’t think it will hurt her. Oh, it won’t hurt you, assures He-Fish Lips. It couldn’t possibly do any more damage than calling a journalist a c*nt and stealing Amanda Woodward’s man. Silly Fluffy. Playboy seems tame compared to your tabloid career. But will it help us? He-Fish wants to be prudent, whereas Fluffy just wants people to think she’s sexy.

Prudent.

Fluffy.

Is it something you want to do? Is it something you feel comfortable doing? Who does He-Fish think he’s talking to? Cate Blanchett? She-Fish has made a lot of money off her boobs!

This is what gets you Gersh, not CAA.

And in even better news Joel Silver wants to meet with her. He is a huge producer and inexplicably a big fan of Fluff’s. Oh, who am I kidding. I get it. I would cast her in everything.

She wants to meet with him, too, about her image and I hope to god we get to see this meeting. Her publicist also got her a Shape cover for the Mother’s Day issue and this is a bit different than Playboy. Prudent He-Fish advises Fluffer Nutter to run it by Pepaw first before she gets nudey for Heff and Fluffy says she will but waves her hand, all whatevs. No wonder he career is in the crapper. She doesn’t seem to take the advice of anyone around her.

So she calls her dad from the car and says she has an offer. A movie? asks poor naive Dad. Oh, Dad. This is Fluffy we’re talking about, not Natalie Portman. Not exactly, says Fluffy. But it’s like stills from a movie. An adult movie. So it’s almost like a movie. She drops the bomb on Dad, who says “Gosh”. Aw, the disappointment in his voice is crushing me. Oh, Fluffy. Don’t do it!

Yay my daughter might officially become a whore!

Clearly, she’s going to have to get someone on her side, so she goes to sister, Michelle. She pretends to consider it, but basically she’s all hello no. The image thing and all that.

Fluffs, I just got offered to do a topless scene in a big studio movie with a well-known B-LIST STAR and you know what? I turned it down. You hold out for Clive Owen or Eric Bana. Not Hugh Hefner. Or Sean William Scott.

But Fluffy doesn’t see the downside. She’s already done it once. People have already seen her naked, so what’s the big deal? Well, Dad will have to cancel his subscription for one. Oh, Dad made a joke! The comedy runs in the family.

So now we have to be reminded we live on a farm and watch Fluffy and Dad clean up animal crap. While she’s doing it, Fluffs talks about going to a red carpet event for a cancer charity, Fertile Hope. And she wants Dad to be her date. Dad doesn’t want to go. He feels out of his element and wants her to go with someone young and good-looking. Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself. I’d totally go with Fluff’s dad. He’s the bomb. And a potentially good influence on her. Go, Dad!

Deep thinking. Very very deep.

And look who’s over for a visit. It’s Oldrina again and Oldrina is always ready to help. She wants to look “conservative” says Oldrina. Meh, let’s just aim for “appropriate” says Fluff. She’s only going with Dad. Let’s not get too crazy. Oh, and while she’s asking for help, how about the ol’ Playboy question. Oldrina takes all of two seconds before she gives a strong fuck no. She actually gives a good delivery. Point to Oldrina.

But, whyyyyy? asks Fluffy, clearly the only one not getting this. That’s easy. You’ve already done it! And you played two porn stars back to back. She was a classy porn star in one of those! And thank god for Oldrina, because she keeps it reals. She tells Fluffy straight up she’s known for being a slut and she needs to stop the madness.

Who is this camera ass hat hiding behind the clothes? Solid work, brosef.

But Fluffy is not going down like that. She really thinks she can win this argument here. She has two kids! So take some mom roles, ding-a-ling. It’s time to cover up, concludes Audrina. We’re going to google your name, says Oldrina, to prove that you are known as a world-class ho.

I hear the wonky-eye thing worked for the other Audrina. How’s this?

And there’s pictures of her straddling the beach, straddling a man in a bed, making out with a woman. One of her Playboy pictures shows up. Who sunbathes like that? Oldrina demands to know. “I do!” chirps Fluffs.

After and Before

We go to Mr. Skin to get the truth about Denise’s nudity and her stint in Wild Things is the highest rated clip! Four stars for Fluffy Girl’s lady parts and lesbionix! Ah she remembers it like it was just yesterday. So does everyone else, rat-a-tats Oldrina. This bitch is good. Then they watch the clip and, ah, the memories. That scene inspired my own lifestyle choices for years to come. So there you have it! You’s a ho. (Ha. That sentence totally reminds me of that Ludacris song, “Youz a ho”. Does anyone remember that? With awesome lyrics like, “Reach up to the sky for the ho-zone layer.”? Those lyrics provided voicemail ammunition and text messaging humor among me and my friends for years.)

You doin ho activities

With ho tendencies

Hos are your friends, hos are your enemies

But back to the action at hang, Fluffy has concluded that she should still do it while she can. Fluffy is really not letting go of this one. Maybe I’ll even get my boobs done! Oh, Fluffs. But this existential debate is interrupted with a phone call from Gersh’s finest, He-Fish.

Fluffy gets on the phone and it’s about the Joel Silver meeting. He-Fish instructs her to dress down for a change, because some of us have to be told these things. Let’s just get this meeting on the road already! So she comes back into the bedroom triumphantly telling Oldrina that she can finally get off her ass. Fluffy is going to dress like she’s not a hooker! All it took was a little convincing from the casting couch, not the sage advice of everyone closest to her. And me.

But what if I suck?

And this means a shopping spree! Oldrina and Fluffy are going to get something sophisticated, conservative gear. This is a whole new chapter in her life and it’ll be good to have a fresh outfit.

So, who are they gonna call? Klassy Kim. Kim is her best friend since she was sixteen. She is quirky and crazy and yells in public places that Fluffy’s butt looks hot. Somehow in Fluff’s mind this makes her “klassy”.

So they go shopping and all Fluffy wants to do is show her cleave. Every button-down she unbuttons to show her tatas. Its defeating the purpose, they cry! I’m just seeing, insists Fluffy, as if she forgot what her cleave looked like from two minutes ago. She would feel more comfortable in a tank and I always feel more comfortable in a tank, so I don’t know what’s wrong with that, but I’m not known for being a dumb ho. I think when you’re a smart ho, you can get away with tanks.

Dang. Does that thing have a zipper?

All the conservative outfits make her feel like a mom/substitute teacher and they kind of do make her look like that. I wouldn’t wear some of that shit either. So she finally settles on a yellow button down under a black sweater, which is a little bumble bee, but whatevs. Maybe Joel Silver will want to make some honey with her.

Have her and you will sting for a long time to come.

So now it’s time to prep dad for his red carpet debut and that requires to do massive The Swan-style plastic surgery. Kidding. Dad is totally a-looker. They just have to go to update his look at the Ona spa on Beverly Blvd. He’s never been to a day spa, which in this day and age is practically unbelievable. But he did go to a “spa” in Vietnam. And then in front of the Asian staff she finds it totally appropriate to crack a joke about how her dad is a huge fan of happy endings. Okay, Fluffy is funny.

C*nt.

And then he goes in for the scrub. And he just can’t believe that people would come in to get rubbed down with 120-grit sandpaper. Silly, Dad. This is a decadent treatment! says the lady. This is a messy treatment, corrects Dad. When the lady bows at the end and says it is always a pleasure to do the body work, Dad makes a face like she is koo koo for coconuts. “That was weird,” he concludes.

But I still have a boner.

Back at home, Fluffy puts on her new outfit just to see her sister’s reaction. She doesn’t know that Fluffs went shopping or what the occasion is. She’s just going to see if she even notices. Like Sis is her boyfriend and she got a new haircut.

And Sister Michelle just starts laughing. Why are you wearing that? She doesn’t even seem to like it. Nobody like Fluffy Girl when she has clothes on. Any ol’ shmoe can wear clothes, but Fluffy was made to be a ho!

Cant turn a ho into a housewife

Hos dont act right

She asks Fluff to undo some buttons and that’s when we learn that there’s not actually a shirt under there. Fluffy couldn’t even commit to buying a whole shirt that wasn’t slutty! That’s dedication. And Fluffy is very pleased because her sister doesn’t recognize her, her dad loves it and she’s uncomfortable. Joel Silver will take her seriously for sure! And if all else fails, she’ll just start to take her clothes off. Always have a plan b. And that plan b should always involve using your sexuality. Mine does at least and look at the plum movie roles I’m getting offered!

And now the moment we’ve (I’ve) been waiting for! Joel Silver meeting! He immediately says she looks beautiful, so clearly this outfit is paying off.

I wonder if Joel spent a day deciding on the tent he’s wearing.

They sit down with Susan Downey, another movie producer, and proceed to talk turkey. Fluffy just starts right in. She wants some advice. She knows that her personal life has dominated her career life these past few years (i.e. she’s been busy showing the world she’s a man-stealing sperm-chaser) and wants to know how to change her image. She mentions the Playboy offer she just got and how she’s debating that one.

Joel Silver mentions that when she came on the scene she was so good in Spin City…uh, wasn’t that Heather Locklear’s show? A quick trip to imdb says she was on four episode to Heather’s sixty-two. Fluffer’s face says she’s thinking of Amanda Woodward, too. Is he not confusing them? Out of all her roles, he remembers a four episode arc from eight years ago?

You should check out Two and a Half Men. It was brilliance.

But Joel tells her that he thinks she would be great on a sitcom. And now that he says it, I think that would be good for her, too. I could see her being on something like a Desperate Housewives actually. If they were, well, desperate.

Ms. Downey says that she doesn’t have to go so hard in trying to be prim and proper because that’s not going to look real either.

You ho who you are

And while this may seem extremely obvious to all other living creatures, Fluffy feels as if the wisdom of the ancients has been bestowed on her. Joel Silver even plugs The Matrix with a “follow your path” comment, like The Matrix is totally responsible for that idea.

She comes back to her Klassy Kim and Oldrina just raving about how she got the Best Advice EVER. And how he LOVED her outfit, which actually surprised her. She’s so totally not going to do Playboy now. But now she can be a totally relevant, covered up comedy mom! New Adventures of Old Denise here we come. Seriously, though. I’m calling for a Fluffy Career Revival for real. After that happy ending comment, we all know she’s got mad comedy chops.

Who you callin’ a ho with your titty fallin’ out, ho?

And then continuing the joke she says she may do Playboy later. Ha ha! Oh, Fluffy. You got us! Then she goes downstairs to talk with Dad and share the good news. She’s going to do the cover of Shape, so she can be sexy and not slutty and since Lola, her daughter is there, she spells out all the words and dad just thinks it’s hilary when Fluffy spells out the word whore!

And then she announces that she has a surprise upstairs and Dad knows that no good can come of this and sho nuff, they’re gonna make him suffer. Sister Michelle and Fluffy have both had unibrows since they were five and it’s time to make dad pay. They’re going to get the blow torch and burn ‘em right off.

We’ll worry about the personality later.

Actually Klassy Kim is a pro at this and she gets to work. My mom pointed out that when he cleans up, you can see that Fluffy gets her looks from Dad. Poor Dads though. They are just not made for the grooming rituals of the females. Dad doesn’t get why we would rip the hair off our eyebrows out or, worse, or vaginas, but we do! And we pay good money for it. Next up is Fluffy’s personal spray tanner and Dad’s humiliation is final. He’s stripped down to his tighty whiteys and a shower cap and stands spread eagle for Alonna.

We should all have pics of our fathers like this.

Sister Michelle’s tattooed husband comes in to have a laugh and Fluffy warns Dad there will be one more humiliation tomorrow. Poor Dad.

Today’s surprise isn’t so bad after all. He just is getting his hair and eyebrows dyed and oh my, he and Fluffy could be brother and sister. I kind of heart Dad. She ordered him a suit and everything.

I’d do him.

And this is the first time he’s gone to a red carpet event since Starship Troopers. It’s a special day, folks. And after all this effort of grooming dad, Fluffy promptly ditches Dad as soon as they hit the red carpet. Oh, kidding again! How could she pass up the opportunity to embarrass dad yet again detailing every last thing.

And of course it wouldn’t be complete without an awkward this-is-fun! thanks-for-inviting-me! moment for the cameras. Sheesh. Her hug with Joel Silver was more comfortable.

Awkwardness from the BVD’s and the shower cap.

And Dad has to admit that he actually liked his week of pampering. Sure he bitched about it the whole time, but secretly he loved the feeling of his eyebrows singeing. We knew it.

And one more final activity for the episode! Today Fluffy is going to do her Shape cover! Sexy, not slutty! Plus it’s the Mother’s Day issue so she’s going to have Lola and Sam with her. Now all she needs is to get that pilot script and she’s on her way to being the next Amy Poehler.

Yeah. We’ll see about that.

Tonight we finally get to see her work a stripper pole and go to her vibrator party. And the throwdown between Assistant One and Assistant Two is up, too.

My health has returned and my sincerest apologies that my life got a little more complicated than Fluffy’s.

xoxo, Lady S.