Denise Richards: If only self-reflection involved a mirror.

When you have a thinking face like this, you try not to do it too often.

A lot of provocative questions were asked this week on Denise Richards. How can Fluffy get out of her single mom rut? Is she crazy? Who is lying to her? But I continue to watch this show in awe of her perfectly flowing tresses and my only question is how the hell she gets that mane so perfect and shiny and full. I’m constantly in awe of its golden splendor. Seriously, is she a mermaid?

Wish I could be part of that wooooooorld.

So we’re back with Fluffy and she’s hanging with Oldrina like it’s her job, all up in the bathroom like a couple of girls at Les Doux. And, hey-o, we’re not done with grooming yet. Oldrina has a confession to make. She’s about to get her first bikini wax. Record scratch! Come again? First of all, Oldrina is old. How could she possibly never have gotten a wax before? And second, she lives in LA. Nobody except the old ladies at the Korean Spa run around in full bush.

Shockingly vain Fluffy is completely nonplussed about this. She just matter-of-factly whips out her miracle wax kit right then and there telling her she doesn’t have to go anywhere. Fluffy will do it! Oldrina is all hello, no. Record scratch, part two. Have you seen how perfect Fluffy is? You know that ho can wax snatch like a pro.

What do you mean “sweaty sideburns”?

(Yes, that was an Ab Fab reference.) Actually that’s not the real reason Fluffy knows these things. It’s because she doesn’t have time to drive to Beverly Hills to get that shit done. Fluffy is up against the wall with things to do.

Such as (cue comical piano plunking): mommy and me class, going to lunch, dance class, and the next day…wait for it… they have a dentist appointment. I think Oldrina is thinking what I’m thinking when she says, Let’s just stop right here. You know that Fluffy has the most awesomely chillaxed life evs. But Oldrina wants to know, When do you go anything for you? In the eyes of Oldrina, Fluffy is an over-worked single mother, and she should find the time to get her vadge hairs ripped out. I really need to be friends with these people.

Buy coconut water at Whole Foods, pluck my arms pits. Yeah, I’m full up.

Wellll, sighs Fluff. You’re going to get burned out, advises Oldrina. Yes, burned out. Burned out is what you get when you write two TVgasm recaps a week for six months straight. You don’t get “burned out” when you’re a mom. That’s like for swim team practice, not, like, your children. Fluffy rightfully tells her that she’s gonna show Oldrina’s bush who’s boss right then and there to get that ho to shut up. Cue intro montage! Best part of the show!

So next day Fluffy is busy, which obviously goes without saying. She’s with Dad and one of her dogs in the SUV and complaining about how assistant Sho didn’t give her one of her schedules. And Dad knows that Sho rides the short bus. Sho is slow. Anytime you ask about anything he doesn’t know and he acts frazzled (cut to Sho bulging his eyes and wiping his weary brow.)

Scandinavian child hair weave is gonna cost.

So that’s why Assistant Two Sabrina is around picking up dog shit. And these days, they haven’t been working as a team. It’s causing a problem. The last thing Fluffy needs is added stress. Mommy and Me class is a high pressure commitment and Oldrina just wouldn’t understand being childless and non-martyr-like.

What are these two rascals trying to get done this week? Well, they have a lot of clothes to return. Fluffy doesn’t actually fit clothes in her budget with all the waxing and pig sperm she’s buying. And who knew Barney’s doesn’t do layaway?

Fluffy comes in to the Assistant Chamber and asks if Sabrina will also look into swim lessons for the girls. Sabrina says yes. How’s the sitch with returning all my fabulous designer clothes? Oh, Sho is on top of that, I think. Is everything okay? I think soooo…. Okay, well I’m going out with the girls. And exit Fluffy. Wow, she’s giving last week’s hug scene with Dad a run for its money.

I’m a method actor. So I pretty much work the wooden angle all the time.

And now the montage of how much Fluffy loves doing everything with her girls. Dance, gymnastics, dentist! Are her kids teeth rotten? They act like that’s one of the daily activities before playground and after Zaboomafoo. (Yes, I know what that is.) Even her family is telling her she needs to get out there and wreck another marriage. She’s too selfless these days. Everyone likes Fluffy better when she’s a ho.

I just need a bit more footage for the ‘bloids.

So she’s going to Dr. Katz today. Her divorce mediator who doubles as her therapist. And the role of “Dr. Katz” will be played by Dennis Miller. Seriously. I thought it was a joke.

The writer’s strike has been a bitch for everybody.

So Fluffy spills her guts about how she felt vulnerable at first, and yet now it feels normal to be a single parent and yet…now she’s in a rut. What’s a home waxer to do? And Dr. Katz is about to blow her mind Joel Silver style. Here’s his breakdown: your marriage didn’t work, your relationship didn’t work, you lost your mom. (All these truth bombs/facts are making Fluffy uncomfortable. She’s starting to sweat.) He like it when Fluffy sweats so he doesn’t stop there: She has a sleep disorder. She lives her life by fear. She has baggage AND accessories.

Which can only lead Fluffy to ask herself the burning existential question: Am I fucked up?

Can we add “fucked up” to the intro montage? That will definitely one-up the telenovelas.

Your life if not balanced! declares Dr. Katz. You’re supposed to be a ho, he explains gently. This is boring America. Us Weekly gives a very thorough Romance Report. Just whip it open and pick a home to wreck. Josh Duhamel is a totally hot piece and that girl he’s with pees on herself. I think you have a fighting chance. His exact words are “get out in the world and engage with it”. But we all know that what he’s saying.

So she comes back to the ranch more defeated than ever. Now she’s feeling more effed up than she thought. She gives Dad this dramatic metaphor about being in the ocean and she needs a life preserver. Maybe you just took it wrong said Dad. Like maybe it was about being a mermaid and you have awesome hair. Do you think I’m crazy? asks Fluffy. And Dad takes a good five minutes getting back to her on that one.

This is off topic, but what conditioner do you use?

In the end, he decides she’s not crazy. Just take it all with a grain of salt, he says. Ah, Dads. Still so great afterall of last week’s humiliation. So what’s the solution to this you ask to this existential crisis: to build something. Who doesn’t just want to build when they get all fired up? I prefer to just act out passive-aggressively with those closet to me, so I’m really impressed with Fluffy’s constructive response to the matter.

So she goes to Sabrina who is never allowed to leave her desk and tells her that she’s ready to build ROME. It can’t be that hard to put together a playhouse for the girls? She tells Sabrina to get one not assembled because her next show is going to be a Ty Pennington-like selfless shelter building reality show and this will be the moving back story about how it all began with two girls with a whore-loving father whose mother sacrificed all to get them a playhouse.

And within minutes the “folk art playhouse” has arrived by the next scene, clearly the smarter, faster assistant at work. From now on she shall be referred to as Sabraina. As the house is sent into a flurry of activity in anticipation of the Folk Art Playhouse, Dad predicts the man delivering this will be older than him and alone. And behold:

I didn’t know there would be so many pigs in heaven.

And Fluffy comes out with enough excitement for a twenty person cheerleading squad. She comes out guns blazing, ready to go and right away the old man shuts her down. Grumpy old men do not like happy young persons.

Of course Dad and Sho do the unloading, but Fluffy is still amped about putting this thing together and showing the world she excels in things other than shouting expletives and personal grooming. But, of course, life is never easy for Fluffy. The old man informs her that there are no instructions for this endeavor. Would Ty Pennington need instructions? Buck up, ho.

So she decides she’s going to do this with Sho, which is really like doing it by herself anyway, so she feels okay about things. Look at all these freaking parts! exclaims Fluffy as she dumps out about twenty screws. How is she to know where a screw and a nail go? Sho is equally perplexed by this sudden arrival of small things and Dad shakes his head on cue.

Well where’s the drill? asks Fluffy. He didn’t leave a drill? Okay, instructions I take her side. The drill? Bitch. Folk Art Playhouses don’t come with drills. Sho makes some negative comments towards Flufffy’s ability to do this and we get the classic Itchy-and-Scratchy dirty look/frazzled look exchange.

I’ll never drop the ball on comedy!

So they’re off to the hardware store to procure the materials they need, namely a drill, and once again Fluffy is overwhelmed with how many things exist in the world of building. She should have stuck with the passive-agressive strategy. But she just gets the woman at the store helping her to recommend one and it appears that all is coming together in Fluffy’s world until the next bombshell is dropped: the clothes have not been returned.

One of the stores that so graciously lends her clothes calls her to inform her the dresses were never returned two days ago and now she will have to put it on her card and take care of it. Something a celebrity should never ever have to do. Naughty assistants! I know TJ Maxx still does layaway if that helps.

So she gets back in the car and tells Sho what happened and Sho is just appalled that Sabraina did not take care of this. How could Sabraina be so incompetent? He covers his tracks in a confusing way, but Fluffy is ensnared in the tangled web he is weaving. Fluff ends his spiel with a “I’d really like her to work out” which he intends to have like he wants the situation to work out, but we all know what he’s really saying.

Just a few crunches here and there wouldn’t kill a bitch.

Fluffy is busy being the boss bitch though and is high on authority. You’re my personal assistant and things like this can’t affect your job. And if it is…we’ll have to deal with it! Somebody wants to be Amanda Woodward. When she gets back to the house she is relieved she has the girls’ playhouse to work on. It’s really taking all the stress off the Sho-Sabraina sitch. She feels like this is the balance Dr. Katz was talking about. Or maybe she’s taking Yaz.

Symptoms occur regularly before a woman’s menstrual cycle? No effing way, ass hats.

So it’s all finished and sister Michelle comes over and loves the playhouse (it actually does look like a pain in the ass to put together and I’m a bit impressed. I struggled through one ikea cabinet and felt like I was a damn genius.) But then sister Michelle proceeds to chew her out that building a playhouse was not what the doctor ordered. Big dick was. Fluffy feels a little deflated when she hears this, but at least she has the girls’ excitement to look forward to…which means next scene we see the girls informing their mother they don’t like their playhouse. I really enjoy how this show sticks to the standard joke set-up. It’s comforting.

But I even bought a non-sexual drill for this.

Well now that that was a complete failure in “engaging with the world”, it’s time to talk to Dad about Assistant Showdown 2008. She explains what happened with the clothes. Sho is saying one thing and Sabraina is saying another. And of course she’s not upset about the clothes, because clothes aren’t really important in the big picture, but it’s the lying. Dad prudently says they don’t know who’s lying, but Fluffy feels Sho is trying to throw Sabraina under the bus. He says he can’t work with her and wants Fluffy all to himself. I understand that feeling.

So now we’re going to hash it out. A mistake is one thing, but lying is another. Fluffy doesn’t care if people screw up, because god knows she’s a hot mess, but she needs to know they’re not out whoring it up. Or lying or whatever. Basically someone to step up and take responsibility for the blunder. Its not about the clothing, it’s about integrity.

And mer-hair.

Initially Sabraina says it was her fault and that it’s because she didn’t know she was the one that was supposed to take them back. And Sho runs with it adding that he told her Friday.

You caught me! I don’t work out.

Eventually it comes out that the last conversation they had about the clothes, Sho confessed to Sabraina that he was going to tell Fluffy that he just effed up. And this time he doesn’t deny it. There’s some talk about Sho always has a million things to do, which is the most intriguing part of it all. What could these be? Order one-of-a-kind Barbies? Not return clothes? And in an underwhelming denouement, Sho and Sabraina agree that they can work together, but clearly the bile is there. Fluffy says that they need to come to her or her dad if they have a problem and it all sounds like one big, happy dysfunctional family.

After the meeting, there is still a lot of tension and in the SUV, Sho and Fluff have a heart-to-heart. Do you hate me? No, I don’t hate you. I just want to trust you. There’s a Personal Assistant Code and I just need to know we can build it back up.

How ’bout we just call each other c*nts and move on?

Sho responds to her with a passive-aggressive uh-huh and I’m starting to think maybe Fluffy is too nice for her own good. This inept douche should have been gone a long time ago. Fluffy says her gut says this isn’t going to work out, but everyone deserves a second chance, subtly informing us, next season Chuck is back.

And the Fluffy gut is right. In a move we all saw coming, Sho quits via text message. And who’s text font looks like that? If you’re not LOL-ing, you might be dead. I feel bad for Fluffy a little, because she didn’t see it coming and it has to be right behind getting dumped via text on the list of things you should really do in person.

And I’m going to tell the world your hair is 90 percent weave, c*nt.

Fluffy storms into the office, where Dad is looking for Sho’s petty cash and chimes in, We’ll probably never get the petty cash! He just quit in a text message! Is this really not scripted? The searing drama is really on par with any Law and Order. So once the other two recover from the shock, we learn that Sabraina cannot up her hours because she is getting married and once again the most intriguing thing to me in the scene is supposed to be a footnote. Sabraina is too busy being married to work more? She’s getting married? Is her man so rich she doesn’t have to pick up dog shit? Then why is she doing it now?

But they all assure her that they will call the agency and find someone and everything will be alright again in Fluffy’s world.

And now it’s time for the Girls’ Night Out that we’ve been seeing in previews since the beginning. Namely: Fluffy acting like a ho in her prim yellow dress. They surprise her by making her close her eyes and waking into her living room. And jesus h what Laura Ashley nightmare has descended upon our eyes? It makes me want to vom and would surely make any male brain explode. And the gals are all there: Klassy Kim, Oldrina and Natalie, whose saggy tits are somehow more distracting than the floral patterns to me.

The role of Natalie will be played by Tit Sagat.

They’re having a spa party, which is Fluffly’s favorite thing to do and it does look fantastic to have a bunch of Asian masseurs working you over. Plus she didn’t have to leave the house! We’re spared the conversation between these four, so it’s quickly over. But oh, no. Natalie waves her fingers and says that it’s not over till the fat lady sings. Natalie’s demeanor and voice totally creep me out. In fact, the everything about Tit Sagat does. And I don’t want to hear her sing.

You can try to distract us with your fingers and creepy British voice, but we still see.

Fluffy says she’s out of here because she’s creeped out, too, but Tit Sagat is too quick. Creepy fingers has her friend around the corner “Pat Davis” a woman as androgynous as the name suggests, who throws “Passion Parties”, which means middle-aged white ladies giggle and play with dildos.

Here’s how you make an O-face!

Here’s some of the goods: Nipple nibbler cream. G spot cream. And a “Five Star” fake penis that looks like a glow stick. Ravers get horny, too. And now for one more surprise. It’s time to do some pole dancing. Also know as the golf of middle-aged white women. Enter Miyoko with a pole and a bunch of feather boas, which really don’t need to be brought out unless you are at a gay pride parade.

And sometimes they can’t.

I hear she’s single, men.

And Fluffy ends today’s journey by telling us that a few sex toys and a stripper pole was all it takes to get her out of her rut. All better. I can sleep well tonight knowing that perhaps Fluffs is, too.

Next week she inexplicably poses with Kat Von D for the cover of inked (GD, her hair looks awesome) and she gets all weepy at her mom’s house. Sigh. I hate when TV shows try and make me feel an emotion other than mockery.

Have a great weekend, y’all.

xoxo, Lady S.