Denise Richards: I’m Not Fat, I’m Just Fluffy

Lady Sensation’s guilty face.

Hello lovers! Fluffy and I decided to run away together and be mermaids for a few weeks and now we’re back and better than ever. Or fatter. Either way, please don’t hate me. But I do like to be punished. Now you know. Let’s read on.

Back in the ‘Basas, Fluffy is in her closet going through the tortures of the damned trying to get on her Levi’s. To my eye they look like they go on just fine, but she hams it up for the camera acting like she’s heifer numero uno and she’s trying to put on the size 0 leather pants from her cokey anorexic days. We all have that pair, don’t deny it. But look at her go! When you’re an actor, you have to get those emotions out any way you can. Go, Big D, go.

Oh, Chuck. Is that your face down there?

She’s going to Hawaii next week with the girls, which means she’ll be in a bathing suit, the thought of which sends any sentient female into a downward spiral of insecurity and self-loathing. Any girl that feels confident in a bikini is a liar and unanimously unliked by other females. Trust. Quickest way to bond with a girl is to talk about how much you hate trying on bikinis. Jeans are a close second. Fluffy is here today to bring us both.

So Fluffy already has the new gay assistant hard at work who informs her that the free bikinis are coming today. And Fluffy has a moment like he just announced another dozen baby seals were clubbed nonsensically.

It’s a shame about those baby seals.

They’re coming from Cinnababy or Sin-a-baby (Oh, it’s Cynababy). Whatever. She just wants a one piece and a sarong. It’s hard times for Fluffy. The paps are vicious and they’re gonna say she looks like a fat ass. And that’s another great tag. I think we should add that to the opening montage. “Fat Ass”. God, I love that opening montage.

So it’s time to point a finger and Fluffy is blaming her dad for the weight gain. All he does is force feed her pasta and ice cream. And take her shoes. It’s hard to be almost forty and still living with your parents. Teen angst all over again.

The gay replacement insists that it’s her “love” not her “love handles” which doesn’t even make sense, but I’m sure gay men somewhere are nodding their head in agreement. LOOOOVE! So Fluffy weighs herself and apparently the number is “fucking fat”, not “lots of love”.

Meanwhile, Dad continues his tending to the dog shit outside, which is about as interesting as watching Denise weigh herself. This is a great episode.

Sprinklers. Grass. It’s all part of E!’s “Funplex”.

So Fluffy is figuring out what she needs for Hawaii other than lipo, which just brings up another conversation with her gay shadow about how hot she is and he insists she looks skinny and reminds her that it’s just love spilling over her jeans. Gay.

Blowing smoke up fat asses was in the job description.

And also adding to the alarmist air of this episode is the chilling tale from the Gay Shadow (Seriously. Home skillet is permanently lodged up her ass) that his dog died in a kennel. The Exact Same Place Fluff’s dogs will be next week. And even spookier is the fact that he was in Hawaii (!!!) when it happened. Now Fluffy is neither superstitious, nor weak of mind, so of course isn’t deterred by this tale of doom and gloom.

Kidding. Of course there’s no way she’s boarding them now. She’s freaked. Farmhand Dad returns from the field, muttering about the constant pee and poo fest his life has become and says that these dogs aren’t housebroken and they have to board them. This would be called the “conflict” of the story. I like the various servants dressed in black we sometimes catch a glimpse of.

Ay! Dios mio!

But this is no time to talk about her beloved furry treasures, it’s time for an emergency girl pow wow to talk about the extra weight! Sometimes watching this show is like looking in a mirror. They need a plan. First she draws them in with the lure of racks of free bikinis (which is kind of awesome. On the 4th of July I got in a bikini and wandered around an apartment complex for hours in it, marveling at how wonderful it is to just be in a bathing suit and decided I should figure out a way to wear one all the time. I haven’t been in one since, but dare to dream.) Anyway, Fluffy then lays down the real reason they are there. “I’m fat!” she announces.

“Well, you’ve gained weight!” agrees sister Michelle loudly. Leave it to a less hot sibling to keep it on the reals.

We didn’t want to say anything. But our faces did.

Poor D is embarrassed to be on the beach because of the paps and ohmygod what’s she going to do? So she decides to try some on so they can all assess how serious the situation is and first one she tries she can’t even fit into the bottoms. Ruh-roh. Oldrina though has a rockin’ body and isn’t afraid to show it. But she couldn’t fit into her bottoms either. So who cares, right? Wrong. We’re still at code orange.

Don’t try and get love on my tummy, bitch.

They talk about going on the “lemonade diet” which I think they’re talking about the Master Cleanse, which I can assure you is no “lemonade” diet. These hos are dumb. So since no one can fit in the bottoms, everybody is on the same page. Everyone wants to lose ten pounds, showing true sisterhood and unanimous body dismorphia. They’re on a strict regimen of gym and pilates and they’ll hold each other’s hair back as they throw up their caesar salads after every meal. Girl power!

Time to hit the gym. The word fat is thrown around like fifty times on the drive over and actual fat people everywhere have probably all thrown their entire refrigerators at the TV. STFU, skinny hos. Three times this week they’re going to get their asses whooped by fitness guru, Gunnar Peterson, then two times they’re all going to Pilates. We watch as Kim grunts through Pilates and she acts like she’s forced to pull tugboats like Jack Lalane. STFU, weak ho.

And Fluffy is still not happy with the results.

Is “Fat Ass” odd or even?

Of course Dad is eating ice cream in the kitchen and for once Fluffy exercises (exercises! ha!) some restraint by not scarfing some down, too. Instead she is going to take a third of her dogs for a walk (which would be approximately twelve) and that endeavor is a huge failure as mutiny ensues, so she just decides to let them all just run amok in the backyard and goes back in to finish that pint of Chunky Monkey. Actually she finds the Gay Shadow and orders him to find a trainer for the dogs asappy.

Dogs can smell fat ass and it makes ‘em nuts.

So now the dogs are crazier and Fluffy has lost no more calories. But she is getting a trainer. Some dude in a hat who mostly moonlights as a singer/songwriter in Topanga Canyon and probably subsists on mostly goji berries. She says she wants a “quick fix”, but he doesn’t use force or intimidation tactics, which is what these dogs need. But Fluffy is open. Continue, young peace jedi. He says can “create an illusion” that things are working and decides Fluffy needs to wear karma beads. Okaaay. She needs to bring some love to the experience, but Fluffy knows “love” is just code for “fat” so she obviously doesn’t like this brosef.

Who you callin’ fat, freak?

She appreciates the gesture, but thinks perhaps he isn’t man enough for the job. They decide to test his skills on Luke, who is, unlike other dogs, motivated by food. He’s a French bulldog, but hippie wants a pitbull. Okaaay. He also wants non-caffeinated tea and to speak in proximity that violates most people’s comfort zones. He also wants to live in Fluffy’s backyard. All in all, he seems like a total wack job. Fluffy sure know how to find ‘em.

I’d prefer to speak really really close to you.

His idea of dog training is to use only hand signals. He wants it to be firm, fair and parallel to the dog’s nose. He then gives the dog a treat. Well that genius solved the problem. Give dogs treats every time you want them to do something. Hippie. Now you have a bunch dogs that think they deserve a treat just for not shitting on the kitchen floor. I can only imagine what kind of parent he’ll be.

They send him on his way and Fluffy and Hippie embrace awkwardly. Gay Shadow doesn’t get a hug and can’t believe it.

But I’m all about the love.

Later that day, Dad has made a delicious dinner for all the girls and, like good females, all of them insist they can’t eat it because they have to diet and eat kale and sprouts that Kim prepared. And then they spend five minutes hovering and smelling and gaining weight just looking at it.

Are carbs airborne?

Kim arrives and we learn that she didn’t even bring over kale and sprouts, she actually brought over the ingredients for the master cleanse or “lemonade diet”: water, lemons, cayenne pepper and maple syrup. She tells us it’s for “losing weight”. Ass hat. It’s a cleanse, not the Atkins diet. But it’s all a set-up for the hilarious dad eating and idiots trying to embark on a serious cleanse for the sake of a bikini body. Fluff for brains even insists she doesn’t even want to hear the health benefits. Of course she doesn’t.

Can we blend it and add salt on the rim?

Dad, who is especially cranky this episode, goes off on them, saying that this is not a healthy way to lose weight, but how can we even discuss this because the dogs are running amok again? Sugar is on the table eating the only actual food in the kitchen and Dad is getting even more crotchety instead of just being grateful someone is eating his food.

They toast to skinny bitches and Fluffy says she’d rather be fat as she gags on the concoction.

OMG. This is going to be great for vomming!

Next up is more kennel drama and Fluffy still needs her quick fix. Gay Shadow finds another Topanga Canyon loose goose who is an “animal communicator” and medium. She can share with Fluffy what dead pets are saying. She also has done extensive research on what it means when your pet eats his own shit. It means he likes it.

If you give me karma beads, too, I’m gonna cut you.

Apparently shit is tasty. Who knew? So then we bring out Bob the pig who we haven’t seen in a while. She informs us Bob is having an identity crisis. He doesn’t know he’s a pig. And he’s horny. Wow. If you are still with me, you deserve a medal. Moving on, Fluffy is not convinced that this woman is not just riding the short bus herself, so she gives her Lucy, a tough case to crack. Lucy’s been having accidents around the house.

Well have things changed in the household? asks the medium. Apparently, the dogs are telling Wackadoo that it’s been like a “revolving door” in the house and it’s upsetting their schedule. Who’s she kidding. Fluffy’s hooha is growing cobwebs and she responds with an “Excuuuuse me?” So Fluffy sends her on her way.

Dad checks in about the pet communicator with Fluffy and Gay Shadow (seriously, doesn’t he do any work? Couldn’t he have just found a normal pet trainer? Or ordered some Cesar DVDs?) Anyway, it’s all big news to find out that animals can intuit what we’re going through and understand us.

I just like to hang out and kiss ass.

The episode continues with its riveting story lines as workout regimen continues. The gals are all in the backyard dodging poop while they do squats and then have a girl weighing party. Fluffy is up first and she’s lost one pound. How is this possible? She drank lemonade. She went to pilates and effing Gunner Peterson!!! But she can’t do anymore. Screw the paps. She’s gonna wear her fat jeans and a sarong.

So just as we saw coming the girls have no willpower and feed their faces with ice cream. Also, Kim looks at Fluffy like she is the ice cream.

Awkward gayelle cutaway.

Next day they’re finalizing their Hawaii plans and some pet taxi arrives at the gate. And then there’s a big knock down drag out in the middle of the yard. Dad is crating dogs and Fluffy is insisting they’re all going to have heart attacks. Get this girl a Lifetime Original stat!

Following in the footsteps of Tori Spelling and Shannon Elizabeth.

The dogs are all barking like crazy and Dad is breaking down slowly between the dog barking and Fluffy’s nasal whine. How can he be such an ogre? The barking is driving me nuts so I would do anything to shut all the commotion up, too. He waves the white flag. But then gets old man grouchy about now he has to pay the guy for coming out. Oh, Dad. Why is it all about money with you?

Now Dad is going to take care of the dogs while she sits her fat ass on the beach. He tells the Gay Shadow that he’s going to have to help keep track of them, but what he doesn’t realize is that the Gay Shadow will be following Fluffy to Hawaii. In the dog cage. Dad warns Fluffy that she’s not out of the woods. When she’s back she’s going to get a real trainer. She promises. And alls well that ends well for our daddy’s girl. Aren’t we happy now?

Fat ass.

Next week we finally get the Hawaii vaycay and Fluffy is in the sarong. Dumbass gets topless on the beach, so it should be a good time. Hopefully an improvement over dieting and dogshit.

Hope y’all are enjoying the summer! See you next week.

xoxo, IS