PREVIOUSLY ON DESIGN STAR…
The remaining 10 designers had to create a rooftop oasis inspired by instruments. For the first time, a guy, Daniel-san, joined the women’s team and thus MRS. GARRETT AND HIS GIRLS! GIRLS! was born.
During the competition the men’s team ran into problems with Cleopatra Queen of the Nile daybed and ultimately ended up kicking the fat-ass piece of whicker with cankles for chair legs to the curb.
The girl didn’t do much better. Emily the Strange and Nina Gargamelda faced-off over Gargamelda’s splooged covered Barney walls and Stacey threatened to go all Sledge Hammer.
In the end, the judges went gaga for Gargamelda’s Barney splooge wall and Nina Gargamelda was named the winner. NOOOOOO!!! The men’s team went to elimination, and Trent was booted for his inability to handle the Brian Austin Green ’90s Keyboard.
AT THE FLOTEL….
The guys return from elimination. Tom is first one in the door and creepily announces “Helllloooooo”.
Hello Sidney, ready for some fun in Scream 4? Didn’t recognize me without my suit on, did you?
Emily the Strange looks-up, startled and Dan jumps up from the couch.
Runnnn!!!!! (pic is blurry b.c. Dan is seriously booking it out of there. He’s no Jamie Kennedy, fool!)
Everyone hugs and Courtland tells the camera that returning to the penthouse “Trentless” was like a weight was lifted off of their shoulders.
Especially since Trent insisted on carrying that fucking Christmas tree everywhere. Ooo look a squirrel!
Nina Gargamelda who is making weird faces/sounds over in the corner, of course, wants to know who was in the bottom two with Trent.
Blibbbit bbllittt If we don’t get the amulet to the Banana King, the vortex will open and let out a thousands years of darkness!
Oh yeah, and at this point I notice Tom IS wearing a suit. Bravo Tom. You’re better at this than Skeet Ulrich was. Btw whatever happened to Skeet Ulrich other than him randomly appearing in a picture over Satan’s bed?
Saddam – WTF Satan! Couldn’t you have gotten us a portrait of Johnny Depp?
Satan – That isn’t Johnny Depp? Damn it! That swindler painter Bob Ross promised me it was.
Saddam – And people wonder why Bob Ross is in Hell. Hah!
Now let’s paint a happy, flaming, firey bush with some RED RUM red and Clockwork orange. There ya go.
To answer Nina Gargamelda’s inquery, Michael points at Alex.
Gee thanks for pointing me out, Two-Bit Matthews!
Courtland tells Alex that he is still here and Courtland is proud of him. Awww.
Cue opening credits. (The theme song is starting to grow on me.)
AT FISCHER & PAGE, LTD.
Anytime I see the surname Fischer I immediately think of Bobby Fischer. If he wasn’t dead it would be so cool if he was playing chess with Vern next to a nearby flower display. Anyway…
Montage of pretty posies and flowers. Ah look it is Cheryl Tiegs.
Welcome to FernGully. My name is Crysta.
Cheryl Tiegs instructs the designers to each pick a flower that best represents them. Those flowers will be used in their room designs.
Alex tells the camera that he doesn’t really feel comfortable with this design challenge. Flowers aren’t his thing.
I’m not a flower guy. I come from the school of Ryan Seacrest. I’d prefer anal bleaching and some nice Tiffany cufflinks for an anniversary present.
Alex tells us he’s not a very flowery person and isn’t sure if that’s a guy thing because the rest of the guys on the team are pretty excited.
I’m going to rip up those rose petals and re-inact Mena Suvari’s scene in “American Beauty.”
Yes, “Steel Magnolias!” Ooo, “War of the Roses!” Ohh “White Oleander.” No, I got it: “THE BLACK DAHLIA” room theme… Love it!
Alex sighs and says maybe it’s just a “me thing” but the flowers scared him for sure.
Cheryl Tiegs tells Nina Gargamelda to head in and pick first since she was last week’s winner.
Inside the flower shop, Nina Gargamelda immediately zones in on the orchid.
She tells us she chose the orchid because as an architect it is structural and elegant and like her fav paintings by Georgia O’Keefe, it totally looks like a vag.
Keeping with my design theme, my follow-up to the Barney splooge wall is the Violet Vag Vestibule.
Michael spots the Ranunculus and is immediately transfixed by its wizardly beauty.
Dan selects the daffodil for his flower because it’s so inspiring. From a design perspective the daffodil grows in clusters so he’s going to use that as his inspiration.
Plus it reminded me of something Mrs. Garrett would pick and the clusters would be Jo, Blair, Tootie and Natalie. ‘Grins’
I guess Casey, Stacey, Emily the Strange, Courtland, Tom and Alex aren’t important because we don’t know for sure which flowers they picked.
The designers head back outside where Cheryl Tiegs tells them the designers’ flowers will create a bouquet. Emily the Strange is like oh shit!
Ugghhh I bet Nina Gargamelda chose the venus fly trap and our room will look like this:
Image inside Emily the Strange’s head.
Cheryl Tiegs’ yells “lets look at each team’s bouquet” and out comes a lovely Asian war bride: VERN!
I’m only smiling because I’m heavily medicated on a cocktail of Zyrtec and Benadryl. If I could think straight I’d tell you your bouquets suck but all my allergy eyes see is colour. Ooo pretty colours.
Cheryl Tiegs tells the designers “Believe me this is the only time you will ever get flowers from Vern”.
Vern laughs maniacally as the designers join in.
Hahahaha awww shit son!
Vern mutters that he feels like a float at the Rose Parade. Uh oh. The allergy medicine must be wearing off.
The designers laugh nervously.
Cheryl Tiegs tells the designers this week’s challenge is to design a studio apartment inspired by their overall team bouquet (men vs women). The twist: each designer must incorporate his or her individual floral inspiration.
Tom nods and says “Great, great”.
We’re so fucked.
Oh shit! Vern is lucid now. He snaps “Remember I don’t want you guys to take this literally. Dig a little deeper. If you literally translate these bouquets from a color palette standpoint you will go home.”
If I see someone draw a pansy or put up flower curtains I will take a roto-rooter and shove it up your ass.
Cheryl Tiegs chimes in “you’ve got lots to work with here so go get busy.” And Vern adds “yeah all you pussy willows get to work!!
Vern to Cheryl Tiegs “See Cheryl, that’s how you make a flower joke.”
And with that the designers are off.
Courtland tells the camera the first thing he noticed was the cohesiveness of the men’s teams’ bouquet and that the bouquets had been fornicating.
Chica chica bow wow…. Blue Bouquet must have been using MIRACLE GROW. (that’s what she said!)
Oohh and we learn from the caption that Courtland chose the Calla Lilly.
Courtland says just looking at their bouquet was easy on the eyes.
IN THE MEN’S TEAM VAN…
Tom says “so what you’re saying is that our flowers all made us feel the same way?”
Someone answers yes.
Michael then says “I have clean, minimal, soft, fresh and happy for the overall space. That’s what we want it to feel?”
Our room design is going to be: A MAXI PAD!
Tom says yes. We want cohesive with adhesive wings.
WOMEN + DAN’S TEAM….
Looks like Courtland did have to take Dan’s body back to his father because Dan is still on the girls’ team.
Mrs. Garrett appears to be moderating the team discussion. Emily the Strange wants bohemian romantic and LOOSE! Ooo loose flowers. Scandalous and how fitting since their bouquet is knocked up again. Damn that Miracle Grow works fast.
Nina Gargamelda appears to be onboard with the romantic theme and wants to incorporate purple-ly, flowers; after all, her floral inspiration is the Violet Vag Vestibule (orchid). She also wants to build a coffee table. Random.
Mrs. Garrett tells Nina Gargamelda if she wants to build a coffee table fine, but this time he thinks they should focus more on shopping and less on building. Snap!
Dan doesn’t want to take on too much like last time so he tells the camera he is using his contracting skills on the girls.
Nina Gargamelda is just a hippie granola designer. I’m union baby. I can negotiate you into paying $30 an hour and hiring three of my buddies.
AT THE MEN’S STUDIO APARTMENT…
The guys are impressed by the studio space. Lots of light and great windows.
And a table full of pansies.
Tom suggests dividing up the space and we learn that his flower is the tulip.
Michael suggests building shelving in the center and Courtland yells “oooh absolutely.”
Oooo nothing turns me on like a nice piece of wood…shelving.
STRAIGHT FROM THE CRATE…
Mrs. Garrett and the Girls are at Straight From the Crate. We learn that Stacey’s flower is the carnation and Stacey is gunning for a desk as her contributing piece. She finds one.
Meet Ernest Hemingway Desk
Ernest Hemingway Desk is well-traveled. It has climbed (well, was lifted) the snows of Mt. Kilimanjaro. Warning to Stacey, it is bipolar so try to keep firearms out of its desk drawers.
Looks like the guys are heading back to Bo Concept. Guess they don’t want to risk running into Cleopatra Queen of the Nile Daybed at Delgreco and Company.
Tom tells the camera he is looking for items that are luminous and shiny like flowers so why he is feeling up this lamp is beyond me.
This must be one of those ‘whack on/off’ lamps…
BACK IN THE MEN’S VAN…
The men are discussing paint finishes. Also it looks like Tom had too much fun with the lamp because he appears to be icing his balls.
I just couldn’t resist its…glow stick.
Courtland tells us Alex started taking down the paint order so more or less Alex became the paint bitch.
Michael says he was excited that Alex took charge with the paint because it was one less thing that he had to worry about.
I’ve got bigger problems. My Ranunculus thinks I’m a member of Lord Voldemort’s army and is planning to use the Avada Kedavra on me. I say bring it on. Kill me and who will water you then, bitch?
AT THE WOMEN AND DAN’S STUDIO…
Nina Gargamelda is asking Mrs. Garrett if he would like to help tape.
Can I tape your mouth shut, Gargamelda?
Nina Gargamelda is taping blue tape all over the walls. After Blarney splooged on the walls, the walls needed a pregnancy test.
Presenting Nina Gargamelda’s Clear Blue Easy Design.
Two blue lines = this wall is knocked up.
Meanwhile Emily is stitching, Stacey is unpacking, and oh yeah, look who dropped by: Abusive Paint Can (from the first challenge).
Tell Michael I’m looking for him.
Emily the Strange tells us her flower is the waxflower which is a weed. Hahaha you would pick a weed. She tells us that from the waxflower she took the feeling of effortless and untamed so I guess that means if her flower was a person it would be
Emily the Strange tells us she plans on creating some pillows and throwing them around the room like weeds. Hmm I don’t know Emily. If Vern trips over one of your “weeds” he might waterboard you.
Emily the Strange even attempts to flirt with Dan by telling him she’ll throw a cluster of pillows on the ground for him so they’ll represent his cluster of daffodils.
Dan doesn’t appear to be interested and walks away as Emily the Strange offers to scratch his back.
AT THE MEN’S STUDIO…
Don’t forget to unlock the window. Dunston is out there.
Michael discovers that they have two gallons of white, flat paint. Courtland yelps in disbelief “No. We. Don’t.” Michael replies. “Yes. We. Do.”
Tom is speechless.
Michael freaks out because they were supposed to have two gallons of semi-gloss white paint.
White, flat paint. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
I bet Ranunculus was behind this. It must have used the expecto non-semigloss patronum. ‘shakes fist’
Michael explains that for their design it was supposed to be a play on gloss and texture and now IT’S RUINED!!!!
Courtland adds insult to injury as he states “Can’t paint those shelves without semi-gloss” while Alex hides in the background.
Remember Alex was the one in charge of getting the paint.
Uh oh and Courtland realizes that Alex is the one responsible for the error.
Good job, Alex.
And Courtland moans like he has eaten too much Chipotle and doesn’t have any Chipotlaway. Tehe.
Alex (whose flower is the snapdragon btw) doesn’t know why, but for some reason he crossed out semi-gloss twice on his paint list.
I knew it! Ranunculus put Alex under the imperius curse!
THE NEXT DAY AT THE MEN’S STUDIO…
The men are still reeling from yesterday’s white, flat paint incident. Plus, the men are also dealing with the aftermath of Nina Gargamelda’s Barney Splooge wall.
Two blue lines = need to build cribs.
The guys decide what to use the white, flat paint on: no to the radiators, yes to wood trim.
Meanwhile Courtland is outside resurrecting Michael Jackson for people walking by.
The sequins from my glove with make that white, flat paint SPARKLE!
Ooo look! Alex has joined Courtland.
Michael Jackson before vitiligo and after.
Apparently in between dance numbers, Courtland and Alex are building the orgasmic bookshelves.
Courtland tells us the first thing you will see entering the apartment is the bookself so it’s important for him to nail it. Hope he uses protection.
Tom joins Courtland and Alex outside and the three look at a blueprint of the room.
Tom has reservations about Courtland’s design. He doesn’t think Courtland’s flower is represented in the design at all. Ooo Tom you’re getting a little snippy. Loves it!
Back inside the studio a montage of painting and construction commences. And Tom is still criticizing.
Tom doesn’t think Alex’s design is on the wall straight. The tan piece appears to be slipping down.
Alex, your piece looks like it was hung by Tila Tequila on a bender.
AT THE WOMEN AND DAN’S STUDIO…
Mrs. Garrett is drilling wood. Mrs. Garrett and the Girls are planning on creating a swing bed.
Nina Gargamelda tells us the swing was her idea.
I thought a Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee swing would be the perfect accent piece.
Nina Gargamelda tells us Dan was more like her assistant and helped her with the swing. Uh hold-up Gargamelda, Dan BUILT THAT SWING while you watched.
Assistant?!?!? Well, wait until Nina Gargamelda sits her fat ass on this and realizes I ‘forgot’ to sand it. She’ll have splinters all over her ass.
Nina Gargamelda realizes that Dan is spending more time helping the girls then himself but says hey that’s his responsibilty to make sure his flower is represented, not hers.
Finally, we get to hear from Casey who has been pretty quiet during this challenge. We learn that Casey’s flower is the hyacinth.
Casey decides to use her flower as the paint palette for the room. Uh oh. Casey! Didn’t Vern say not to use a paint palette inspired by your flower?
Honestly I wasn’t really paying attention to Vern’s rules. I was still tripping on shrooms from the night before and was transfixed by the kaleidoscope of flower colors.
Oh shit! Nina Gargamelda is fucking up the wall again. This time she is putting Kotex period dots all over the wall.
See as it turns out, the two blue lines were a false pregnancy reading so, these represent the wall getting a late period.
Dan isn’t thrilled with Nina Gargamelda’s latest work and Stacey thinks the magenta is a throw back to Cindy Lauper.
Nina Gargamelda argues that she doesn’t want to paint the same thing that was in the other room.
Guess Barney is shooting blanks, huh Gargamelda?
Stacey tells the camera that Nina Gargamelda’s constant NC-17 murals are tiresome. Casey is worried that their current room design can’t support another one of Gargamelda’s murals.
Presenting Nina Gargamelda’s period piece artwork: “Aunt Flo: A Renaissance Woman.”
BACK AT THE MEN’S STUDIO…
Tom is lifting up objects and grunting like a Neanderthal. Tom tells us it is the super human adrenaline coming out in him. I personally think Tom just needs to get laid.
God I need a real box.
Montage of Tom grunting, huffing and puffing. The guys notice and here is Courtland’s impression of Tom.
O.M.F.G. this tulip lamp is just TOO HOT!!!!
Michael feels like Tom is just going to fall over and die at any minute.
His constant grunting sounds like a Roman Bath House Cher Concert on a Saturday night.
Uhhhh I just want to fluff your pillow, Pillow.
BACK AT THE WOMEN AND DAN’S STUDIO…
Mrs. Garrett and his GIRLS, GIRLS!!! are doing some last minute arranging. Dan attempts to catch up on his floral influence by hanging picture frames in clusters to represent his daffodil clusters.
JUDGEMENT DAY: THE JUDGES’ WALKTHROUGH
Terminator Vern, Cheryl “Kate Connor” Tiegs, and Genevieve (Edward Furlong/Nick Stahl/Thomas Dekker/Christian Bale) “John Connor” enter the room.
The many faces of John Connor.
The judges first visit Mrs. Garrett and his GIRLS, GIRLS!!! studio.
Here’s the finished product.
Oooo and this time the designers remain in the room while the judges critique. Nice!
Smile and try not to make eye contact with Vern.
Emily the Strange tells us how weird it was to be in the same room as the judges were whispering comments to one another.
I don’t feel that the swing can support the weight of two people comfortably. Pam Anderson is a stick. We’re talking about real women here…
Now the moment we’ve been waiting for. The judges walk over to Nina Gargamelda’s “Aunt Flo: A Renaissance Woman”.
Stacey tells us when the judges saw Nina’s mural they said very loudly, “oh we’ve seen this before.”
Yeah, they’ve seen it before. It’s called a Kotex commercial.
Ewww nothing grosses me out more than you women discussing your lady busy in my presence.
Stacey tells us the judges are finally starting to see that Nina Gargamelda isn’t a good designer.
Vern tells the designers that the judges have seen everything that needed to see, and the judges leave.
We better hurry. I feel a hot flash coming on from Wall no. 5.
JUDGES’ WALK THROUGH: THE MEN’S STUDIO….
Vern is first one through the door.
Hello ladies! Too late Tom. I saw you “adjusting” yourself from outside. Should have invested in blinds for this space.
Vern asks the gentlemen if they enjoyed this challenge. The men murmur that they did. Genevieve asks Tom if he’s sure and Tom laughs that it was tough one.
It’s not my fault I had furniture and lamps throwing themselves at me.
Here’s what the men’s finished room looked like.
The judges murmur that the set-up is really smart and seem to be in awe of Courtland’s orgasmic shelves.
Ooo I’ll have what she’s having.
The judges run into some problems in the bedroom. Hehehe. Genevieve says the room just doesn’t really feel like anyone in particular to her. After two brandies, they all start to look alike away.
The judges tell the men’s team that they’ve seen enough and the judges leave.
IN A NONDESCRIPT LOBBY….
The designers reconvene with the judges. Vern tells the designers that after much deliberation and he says I want to emphasize MUCH!!! The judges had a hard time determining who had the best space because both teams had great overall designs.
Cheryl Tiegs adds they both had really, really strong points….but then very weak on the same team.
Because of this Vern announces that the judges have decided not to judge the groups as teams, but to judge the designers as individuals.
Oh yeah! Nina Gargamelda is gonna get hers. I say send her to the moon!
Tom gulps and says ‘uh oh’.
Vern asks the following designers to please step forward: Nina Gargamelda, Courtland, Dan and Alex.
Dan says thank you. I wouldn’t say thank you Dan without first knowing why you’ve been called forward.
Vern says “you four are the bottom designers this week.”
Hahahahaha. See Dan?
Vern continues by telling the designers that the judges are not choosing a winning designer because Michael, Tom, Emily, Stacey and Casey really impressed everyone this week.
Vern tells Michael the judges really saw all of the complex curses that the Ranunculus dealt Michael and are impressed that Michael is still alive.
Thank you. (mutters to himself praise Jesus for Felix Felicis).
Vern tells Tom the judges are finally glad to see Tom’s years of experience molesting lamps has finally paid off.
Tom throws his head back and laughs.
Hahaha all of that electrocution was for something after all.
Genevieve gleefully tells the group that Emily the Strange finally came out to play this week. Emily replies, “Here I am.” LOLZ.
Vern tells Stacey good job with her flower the carnation and her choice of story, the Ernest Hemingway Desk, behind it. Vern tells Stacey she might want to check on Ernest Hemingway Desk because he saw it playing Russian Roulette about an hour ago.
Stacey runs from the room.
Cheryl Tiegs tells Casey she loved soft, subtleness of her flower’s color. I guess Casey lucked out. Vern must have forgotten his rules he made up during his allergy medication haze.
The designers are dismissed and the bottom four are instructed to return to the studio for elimination tomorrow.
AT THE FLATOTEL…
It’s the next day and the designers in the bottom four are faced with elimination.
Dan tells the camera that this elimination is unique because there are two other people in the bottom that weren’t on his team.
Genevieve and Vern are wearing dark suit jackets and Cheryl Tiegs is fucking up the judges’ apparel cohesiveness.
What? I didn’t do any laundry this week. This is all I had. Sorry.
Vern asks Courtland to share his floral inspiration first.
Courtland describes the Calla Lilly and its attributes blah blah blah.
Vern asks who came up with the bookshelf?
Courtland takes credit for the bookself but Alex tells the judges that although Courtland labored over the bookself while wearing a Michael Jackson medical mask, it was actually designer Michael that came up with the bookshelf concept.
Ooo Alex is stepping up.
Vern shuts down Courtland and tells him that one look at the bookself and you can totally see Michael’s flower the Ranunculus.
Damn it! I knew I should have removed the Half-Blood Prince’s book and Tom Riddle’s Diary from the top shelf.
Vern moves onto interrogating Dan.
Dan explains about his clusters representing the daffodils and Vern isn’t buying it.
So what you’re telling me is all you gave us was clusterfucks of objects?
But, but I built the swing!!
Yeah, but your swing won’t support an average woman and her boyfriend’s weight.
Vern chimes in and says “yeah, who came up with the swing?”
Dan throws Nina Gargamelda under the bus and tells the judges that it was all nympho Gargamelda’s idea.
Guilty as charged.
Dan tells Vern that the swing is fully functional (check out the splinters in Gargamelda’s ass) but Vern argues that Dan isn’t a contractor. This is a DESIGN COMPETITION!!!
Now it’s Nina Gargamelda’s turn to be interrogated. Cheryl Tiegs tells Nina that they’re really concerned with Gargamelda’s “Aunt Flo: A Renaissance Woman” piece because the judges have seen it before.
Nina Gargamelda snaps that she isn’t a one trick pony.
Genevieve tells Nina Gargamelda that she knows Gargamelda can do better.
Vern, disgusted by Aunt Flo being brought up again, changes the subject and asks Alex to discuss his design.
Alex explains his design and Cheryl Tiegs tells Alex she feels there is a disconnect between Alex’s design and his flower.
Vern isn’t impressed by Alex either. Verns tells the designers to step outside.
Vern mutters “what a frustrating week!”
The designers re-enter the elimination room. The judges announce that the bottom two are: Dan and Alex.
Everyone is forced to watch Dan and Alex’s elimination videos.
The judges discuss Dan and Alex’s videos.
And Dan is eliminated!!! NOOOOO NOT MRS. GARRETT!!!! WAHHHHH!!!!
Tune in next week when the designers ride some poles at a fire station and things start to resemble “Quarantine” without Jay Hernandez to save their ass.