Design Star: Designs Fit For Heroes

PREVIOUSLY ON DESIGN STAR…

The remaining 9 designers had to create a flower inspired studio apartment. For teams, Dan a.k.a. Mrs. Garrett remained with his GIRLS! GIRLS!!!

During the competition the men’s team ran into problems when Michael’s plant, the Ranaculus, attempted to Avada Kedavra him and sabotaged the glossy white paint by putting Alex under the imperius curse.

Meanwhile Mrs. Garrett and the GIRLS!!! GIRLS!!! had to deal with Nina Gargamelda’s lastest creation “Aunt Flo: A Renaissance Woman.”

In the end, the judges thought both teams had excellent designs and really bad designs sooo they decided to not have a winning team or overall winner. Instead, they announced that Casey, Stacey, Tom, Emily the Strange and Michael were the top designers. The bottom five were Alex, Courtland, Nina Gargamelda and Dan. Sadly, it was the end of the line for Mrs. Garrett, and Dan was eliminated.

MONTAGE OF FIRETRUCKS….

My eyes and ears are overwhelmed by a sudden, rapid montage of firetrucks, breaking class, sirens and smoke. OMG did Vern leave his flat iron plugged in again?

Damn compact Asian design hosts and their flat irons!

Ohhh looks like we’re not going to get a post-elimination reunion at the Flatotel like previous episodes. Today kids, we’re jumping right into the challenge. The designers have reconvened with Genevieve at the FDNY. After the flat iron incident,Vern obviously is nowhere to be found. Cheryl Tiegs is M.I.A. because she doesn’t like soot in her blonde hair so we’re stuck with barefoot Genevieve who is probably hoping to walk across some fire barefoot. Hot!

Genevieve welcomes the designers to the New York Fire Department training facility.

Oh thank God! I thought we were on the set of “Quarantine.”

Genevieve introduces the designers to Fire Chief Phil Ciaravino. Ciaravino will act as a guest judge for this competition.

You designers better make the rooms masculine. We’re real men. We have a reputation to uphold.

I am soo going to put a bidet in the bathroom and put little tea cozies for accent pieces in the break room.

Genevieve tells the designers that they are mixing up teams today. FINALLY!!!

Michael, Emily the Strange, Casey and Alex are the blue team.

Awww look how happy Alex is.

Yay! No flowers, Gargamelda or lamp nympho Tom. ‘grins’

Meanwhile Michael isn’t so pleased about the arrangement. Michael tells the camera everyone is still wondering why Alex is still here.

Michael tells us “I don’t need snoozers, I need strong team members.”

So if you want to be on my team, you better substitute that ambien with a steroid. ‘three snaps and a circle’

Nina Gargamelda, Stacey, Courtland and Tom are the red team. Ooo red team is going to be interesting! We have two ego maniacs, a potential repressed socio/psychopath and an inanimate household object nympho. I predict fireworks.

Nina Gargamelda tells us she is proud to have such a strong team and wouldn’t want to be on the other team. Why would you Nina Gargamelda, when you could be fighting with Courtland, avoiding Stacey trying to hit you with a hammer and listening to Tom hump a couch in the background?

Let’s turn our attention back to Genevieve. Genevieve tells the designers that a firefighter’s job is pretty intense to say the least.

It’s true. This one asshole didn’t take the wrapper off the pop tart and the toaster burst into flames. Of course the idiot left his morning glass of vodka right next to the toaster. The flames spread to the vodka and ignited into a fireball that continued to follow the trail of alcohol that the douche bag had spilled from the bottle he carried with him, right to where he was sitting in his kitchen chair scratching his balls. Let’s just say he doesn’t have balls anymore. When the crew got there it reminded them of that that one scene in Final Destination. ‘shakes head’

Genevieve explains that this week’s challenge is to design a common space for real firefighters in a real NYC firefighter’s house. Genevieve emphasizes that it must be fully functional.

Michael tells the camera that he moved to NYC a week before 9/11 and saw how the FDNY really came together. Michael tells us he wants to do all that he can for these guys.

Even if that means greasing the pole and taking one for the team.

The Chief explains that the guys need couches to relax on after coming back from a fire. Sounds simple enough.

Genevieve explains that each designer needs to add his or her own signature design element to the overall designer.

Again simple enough.

Genevieve adds anything at all that expresses the designer’s individual voice and then we see this face.

A Nina Gargamelda signature NC-17 mural coming right up.

Simple just jumped out the third story of a burning building.

Genevieve bids the designers adieu as the remaining 8 go on a tour of the facilities to gather inspiration.

TOURING THE FDNY FACILITIES…

Funky music plays as firefighters approach the group of designers in slow motion.

Everything is sexier in slow motion.

Oh shit! HGTV tricked us! It’s the designers dressed as firefighters approaching in slow motion. Gahhhhh!!!

The chief takes the designers into a fire simulation room. He instructs them to put on their masks so they don’t burn their lungs.

Nina Gargamelda – “I don’t think this is necessary. My uncle is Heat Miser. I’m half fire; I won’t burn.”

See the family resemblance?

Courtland explains “as you are putting on the gear you can smell the smoke.”

Wow this totally must have been what it smelled like when MJ caught on fire during his Pepsi commercial.

The Chief tells the designers that it will start to feel warm because it’s a fire. If the designers start to feel like they’re burning up, and he doesn’t mean the Jonas Brothers’ song, they need to raise their arms in a karate chopping motion before they become overcome with flames.

Burnin’ up, burnin’ up for you baaa-bay!!

Casey tells us that’s when it went from funny dress up to real serious and intense.

This next line from the Chief is awesome!

Followed by this:

Flames. Whoosh!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahhhhhh!!! Patron Saint of Firefighters Kirk Cameron, save us!!!!!

Courtland tells the camera “flames were shooting over us and remember you bake a turkey at 425, this is 700 degrees!”

Crazy right? I was like well, shove a turkey baster up my hoo-ha and call me sperminated!

Nina Gargamelda tells the camera “to be in this clothing and have the flames around me, it made me realize that people out there are willing to sacrifice their lives, and if I can create a space for them to come back to that says you made it through another day I would be so proud of myself.”

Not everyone has the ability to artistically put splooge on the walls, well maybe those guys from Jackass…but still…

AT THE DESIGN LOCATION: ENGINE NO. 5…

Assuming that everyone survived the fire simulation intact, up first is the red team. I see they did. Excellent.

Tom, Nina Gargamelda, Stacey and Courtland are greeted by Lt. Chris Childs. Lt. Childs sorta looks like Stephen Dorff.

Tom, if you ask me why I let Britney drown in the bathtub, I will cut you.

So instead, Tom asks Stephen Dorff for his thoughts on the space. Nina Gargamelda asks if the space they are standing in is what the designers will be working with.

Stephen Dorff replies yes.

Nina Gargamelda tells us this week they have a client that specifically wants something. How is this different than any other week? Anyway, Gargamelda is wearing a huge scarf. Hmm I wonder why…

Turns out Heat Miser isn’t my uncle after all. I got burned.

Stephen Dorff mentions incorporating exercise equipment because cardiovascular health is important to the men. In the adjacent room, Dorff suggests creating a presentation room where the team can have power point presentations and watch “Sweating to the Oldies” videos.

Tom jots down notes. Then Nina Gargamelda opens her big mouth. She tells Stephen Dorff she was actually envisioning a spa room.

The Stephen Dorff ‘I don’t want a fucking spa” face.

Umm Nina Gargamelda, remember he let Britney drown.

And Stacey stares at the ceiling.

?????

Nina Gargamelda backpedals and suggests “maybe it can be a club room.”

Stephen says “yeahhh more of a club room I would say.” At this point, he also notices that all of the designers are acting like Peanuts characters with their heads up in the air.

Stephen Dorff explains that they have a drop tile ceiling they might want to look at.

Ooo look at that drop tile ceiling. Oooo oooo I bet there is exposed tile behind it. Oooo oooo watch out for the asbestos. It will give you mesothelioma.

Tom decides that his signature element will be exposing the ceiling and rising the height of the room.

AT THE DESIGN LOCATION: SQUAD NO. 18

The blue team consisting of Emily the Strange, Michael, Alex and Casey meet firefighter Chris Betta.

Chris Betta shows the designers the room they’ll be working with. Chris explains that the room is used for drills. Emily the Strange asks what type of drills?

No, Emily the Strange, not dentist drills.

BACK AT ENGINE NO. 5…

Nina Gargamelda announces to the other designers to gather round and see what their room is going to look like.

Gargamelda has been online shopping and shows the designers the furniture she has picked out. Surprisingly, Courtland and Tom like the pieces she has selected.

Smugly, Nina Gargamelda tells the camera that’s she better than her group and that they can learn from her.

Tom starts rapidly knocking on the wall.

Knock three times on the ceiling if you want me,
Twice on the pipe if the answer is no…

Tom tells the gang that he wants to take down the wall AND the ceiling.

Courtland thinks it’s absolutely ludicrous.

I mean she knocked twice on the pipe, clearly she wasn’t going to show.

She didn’t hear my knocks because the wall was in the way. That’s why it has to go so she can meet me in the hallway.

Courtland doesn’t think there will be enough TIME to take down the wall and ceiling. Tom’s project will just open a whole can of ‘bleep!!’ LOLZ I love when they bleep stuff.

Tom agrees it’s a crap shoot and a bunch of profanity comes out of his mouth causing Courtland to ask him why he’s swearing in a firehouse. Courtland tells Tom that it is so disrespectful.

Tom tells Courtland his attitude is disrespectful. Cat fight!!!

Courtland walks over to the wall and explains to Tom why the wall can’t come down. Finally, Tom admits the idea was crazy and that he was just thinking out loud.

Courtland tells the camera that Tom is an A.D.D. kid on crack.

BACK AT THE BLUE TEAM’S SQUAD NO. 18…

Montage of a dinosaur riding a firetruck through the city.

This is how the Japanese filmed “Godzilla,” on a firetruck. Roarrrr!!!!!

The designers decide to start with painting. They run into problems when they paint the floors. The ugly green linoleum is going to need a second coat and the designers aren’t sure if they’ll have enough time.

THE NEXT DAY…

The blue team returns to check on the floor situation. Michael and Casey begin immediately applying the polyurethane top coat.

Emily the Strange asks if they need help and Michael snaps “no, go work on your coffee table.”

Emily the Strange tells the camera that her signature piece is a coffee table. Emily the Strange along with Alex leave to go work on the table. This so would have been a job for Mrs. Garrett. I bet they miss Dan already. ‘sad clown face’

Btw can I just mention how disappointed I am that they didn’t have the designers physically go furniture shopping this episode? Those parts are where I get my best material. : (

Ooo what do we have here? Two blue lines…. A knocked up piece of wood?

Emily the Strange – “I think MTV’s ‘Teen Mom’ is a bad influence.”

Alex – “Let’s hope it doesn’t name its kid Bentley.” ‘shudder’.

Jesus Christ! Is this piece of wood Nadya Suleman?

BACK AT FIRE COMPANY NO. 5…

The siren is going off and ooo here comes a fireman down the pole. The firemen get in their gear and take off, leaving dramatic music for the Sears truck to pull up to.

Daa daa daaa ‘horns’ daaa daaa ‘horns’ MAYTAG!!! BOB VILA!!!

Courtland rattles off all of this crap they ordered from Sears: exercise equipment, t.v., etc.

BACK AT SQUAD NO. 18

Gahh Casey has taken over the role of Nina Gargamelda and decided to create a large silhouette of a fireman on the wall.

I was inspired by that moment in ‘Hook’ when Peter Pan cuts through his silhouette on the sails.

Ahhhh Casey, what happened???

The Patch Adams alternate ending for ‘Hook’.

Meanwhile Alex is creating plastic booties.

I saw this in ‘The Departed’. Thought they might come in handy for when Michael kills you for ruining his wall.

Alex tells the camera that his design element is a mural. Ugghhh look what you’ve done Nina Gargamelda! Everyone wants to create a mural.

Alex calls it his “Wham! Heartbeat” mural.

“Heartbeat, heartbeat, what do you bear me now
You hurt me, desert me in my darkest hour”

BACK AT STATION NO. 5…

Stacey tells us that the station is really proud of their number 5 so her signature element will be the number 5. She also is incorporating brass to her design as well.

Courtland tells us that his design element is an entertainment center. Nice. If it’s anything like your orgasmic shelves Courtland, you should do well.

Montage of Courtland cutting wood to metal music.

I imagine the Doozers listened to Metallica as they built until that freakin’ ginger Fraggle Red came along and ate half their fucking bridge. Damn you Fraggles!!!

Actually Courtland, we prefer to listen to Slayer’s “Angel of Death.”

Ahhh Courtland is also bringing back wood paneling. It’s sooo ’80s. What does he expect the guys to come back, put on some Debbie Gibson and play ‘Dream Phone.”

Ewww I got Bruce again. He’s the nerd!

BACK AT SQUAD 18…

Praise Della Reese! The floor is finally dry!

Michael tells us now he can work on getting his design element, the entertainment center, into the room.

Michael gets his pieces into the room and then shoots his thumb with a nail gun.

Then Emily the Strange tells the BEST ‘that’s what she said moment’ to the camera. Here goes,

“It comes fast and hard… that’s why they call it a nail gun.” LOLZ

Obviously Michael needs a doc stat and wouldn’t ya know there are medically trained firefighters downstairs.

One of the firefighters tells Michael that the nail is probably near the bone, but not in the bone. I guess that’s good news but OMFG he has a nail in his hand. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve accidentally stapled my thumb before and freaked the hell out. I can’t imagine having a nail in your hand.

Don’t look. Don’t look. Don’t look.

At this point, I’m getting queasy. I can’t stand stuff like this. I can be pretty neurotic about what-if accidents and one of my worst nightmares is getting shot with a bow and arrow or nail gun. Totally random I know. Maybe I have a repressed childhood memory of a game of cowboys and indians gone awry.

Anyway, the guys stabilize Michael’s hand and prep him for the ambulance. Well, at least Michael’s trip to the hospital is warranted unlike that crybaby “Hair” from Real World New Orleans.

Ooo and look at Michael’s hand. What a trooper he’s still giving a thumbs up.

Actually I was trying to give the finger but they wrapped my hand so I couldn’t.

Hmm I can’t wait to hear what funny little quips Vern will have to say about this.

Michael feels terrible that they’re going to lose because of him. Stacey tells him don’t worry about it. Go get that metal removed from your hand.

BACK AT ENGINE NO. 5…

Nina Gargamelda is talking about painting little squares for her signature element. Uh oh. And she’s now painting a functional corkboard. She says it’s a place to pin up their photographs, but I bet in Nina Gargamelda’s dirty mind it will be a corkboard like in “Sorority Boys” where walk of shames will be posted.

Nina Gargamelda is painting and painting and mentions that the firefighter’s motto is “Pride, Committment and Service. Okay cool. So she wrote it out in braille. WTF!?!?!!?!??

What happens Nina Gargamelda, when Val Kilmer gets his sight back and sees what a shitty job you’ve done?

And now she’s pasting the corkboard braille pieces to the wall.

This wall does not compute.

I really hope the wall comes to life and becomes “Short Circuit’s” Johnny 5.

“Los locos kick your ass. Los locos kick your face. Los locos kick your balls INTO OUTER SPACE!”

Tom is mesmerized while Stacey sees Nina Gargamelda’s latest mural for the piece of crap it really is.

BACK AT SQUAD NO. 18….

Michael is gone and Alex, Emily the Strange and Casey are working like crazy to finish.

Alex steps up to make sure Michael’s piece is installed.

BACK AT ENGINE NO. 5….

Tom finishes the ceiling and the designers are done the room. Wowza!

JUDGES WALK THROUGH…

Up first is the blue team’s design for Squad 18 As Vern, Genevieve and the Chief enter the room, they all murmur wow.

Blue team’s design.

The Chief really likes what Michael, Alex, Emily the Strange and Casey did with the space. He also likes the table which Vern points out is a personalized element.

Oddly no one points out the creepy silhouette that reminds me of “Are You Afraid of the Dark’s: The Tale of the Quicksilver.”

Arabarious Boca Radi. Creature of darkness come to me!

The judges move on to the red team’s design for  Engine no. 5. It appears that the judges are a little underwhelmed.

That plastic gate around the fire pole seriously looks like something right out of Double-Dare.

The Chief points out he likes the t.v. on the wall, but when he works out he likes a mirror so that is something this room is lacking. Genevieve laughs and says I would too.

Vern spots Nina Gargamelda’s mural and says he’s curious about what’s going on over here. Genevieve steps back and says she’s trying to see if she sees something. The Chief says maybe you have to stand on your head. Hahahahaha.

I think the wall just told me it’s going to kick my balls into outer space.

The judges and the Chief move into the other room.

Red team’s lounge area.

Vern is perturbed by the lack of space for the recliner. He can’t get it to lean back.

Don’t you tell me it’s because my legs are too short. There is no room for this recliner!

Vern tells the Chief they’ve seen all they needed to see and the judges head over to tell the teams their decision.

JUDGES’ DECISION TIME….

The designers gather in front of the judges. Genevieve tells red team “you may have noticed that someone is missing from the blue team.”

Oh yeah, were is Scarfy? Oh shit! Did Ranaculus get him?

Yeah, we had an accident at the job site today. Michael’s dead.

OMG!!

One down. Another 6 to go until I’m victorious.

Nah I’m just playing. He took a nail gun nail to the thumb.

Oh thank god! We were supposed to go to Pottery Barn for Kids later and hang out at the little picnic tables and drink Mai Tais.

Genevieve adds the judges are also down one woman today: Cheryl Tiegs is filming her show.

Vern announces that blue team is the winner.

Yayyy!!! I told you guys Quicksilver would scare them into picking us!

Vern goes onto say the piece that really impressed them was the abstract silhouette of the fireman.

Vern – “I’m thinking about painting one of these in Gavin’s room. Quicksilver is better than a baby monitor. Hahahaha.”

Casey is named the overall winner for the blue team.

BACK AT THE FLATOTEL…

Emily the Strange and Alex are discussing beers when Michael walks through the door. Alex exclaims, “he’s alive!!”

Emily the Strange jumps up and tells Michael that they won. Michael is elated and the group breaks out into hugs in between inspecting Michael’s bandaged thumb.

AT ELIMINATION…

Once again Cheryl Tiegs is fucking up the cohesiveness of the judges’ elimination ensembles.

Tiegs “No one told me it was suit jackets.”

Genevieve – “I texted you suit jackets and bright shoes. I’m wearing yellow, Vern red. You were supposed to wear bright blue pumps.”

Vern – “Tiegs, when do I ever wear a dress, well, besides for Drag Queen Bingo every third Tuesday?”

Vern welcomes the designers to the studio. He tells them both groups of firefighters loved their spaces. Since Cheryl Tiegs wasn’t there, Vern tells the designers to walk Cheryl Tiegs through the space.

The designers briefly recap what they did and show Tiegs clips of the space.

Vern says to the designers, “they sound like they really cared about this project and are really proud of what they did.”

The designers nod.

Vern goes on to say, “this was a very special assignment because NYC firefighters are some of the most admired, heroes.”

The designers nod.

“And the reason why you are standing here today is because we felt that you turned in a BIG FAT ZERO!!!”

Tom and Stacey’s eyes bug out.

Noooo NOT THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! (imagine mother’s voice in a ‘Christmas Story’)

Vern continues “when we walked through that space we were soo angry.”

Genevieve, “Physically angry.”

Vern, “I have not been that disappointed in soo long.”

Cheryl Tiegs, “It looks like you guys added to the visual chaos.”

Oooo the judges are pissed!!!!

Vern says let’s move onto the signature elements so Tom defends his black ceiling while Courtland crumbles against the judges’ harsh criticism of his wood paneling and apologizes.Then Stacey explains that the brass lamp and chair rail along with the no. 5 were her signature pieces.

Vern tells Stacey, “Those were the only positive elements of the space.”

Stacey smiles and then Vern adds, “and that’s not saying much.” Burn!

Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The grilling of Nina Gargamelda’s Val Kilmer braille wall.

Nina Gargamelda explains that her signature piece was the corkboard braille wall that spelled out the firefighter’s motto.

It’s genius huh?

Genevieve is like ooohh so that’s what it meant. She tells Nina Gargamelda, “I thought it was a bad eighth grade art project, no offense to eighth-graders.” LOLZ

Vern is tired of Nina Gargamelda’s art pieces.

Nina Gargamelda then says this is going to sound like an excuse but “I had to order the furniture.” Oooo she’s digging herself deeper. She doesn’t know about Vern’s altercation with the recliner. This is going to be good.

Here it comes!!!

Vern asks Nina Gargamelda if she did a space plan. Did she figure out how much space she’d need for a recliner to actually recline?

Nina Gargamelda is silent which means no.

Vern tells the designers he is worried for every single one of them on that stage. He dismisses the designers so the judges can deliberate.

While deliberating, Vern says what a disaster. Genevieve says so many dark colors and Cheryl Tiegs says it’s a fire hall not a goth mosh pit. Hahahaha.

YOU’RE ELIMINATED….

The bottom two designers are Nina Gargamelda and Courtland.

Everyone watches Gargamelda and Courtland’s hosting tapes.

And Nina Gargamelda is ELIMINATED!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yayyyyy!!!!! What a wonderful birthday present!!!!! (my birthday is actually this Thursday).

OMG she actually just told the camera that in her life, in her world she’s living in the Nina Show.

Ohhh I am sooo happy narcissistic bitchy Nina Gargamelda is GONE!!!!!!!!!!

See you guys next week when the designers take on designing a model apartment at the new Trump Plaza Residences and the special guest judge is Donald Trump, Jr. Toodles!