Design Star: Sears Catalog Kitchen Challenge

PREVIOUSLY ON DESIGN STAR…

The remaining seven designers had to create a model apartment for Donald Trump’s new property in Jersey City, N.J.

During the competition Stacey had a complete arts and crafts meltdown, Tom painted the bathroom a hideous blue which Courtland nicknamed ‘blueberry fields’ and Casey installed crown molding upside down.

In the end, blue team: Casey, Alex, Emily the Strange and Michael were the winning team. Alex was named overall winner.

Red team’s design was so horrific that special guest judge Donald Trump, Jr. had his men dismantling the room during the elimination ceremony. Consequently, Vern was sooo infuriated that he eliminated both Stacey and Tom.

AT THE FLATOTEL…

Michael is sprawled out on the couch and Casey is making blubbering sounds.

Alex wonders who is going home. Michael wants Courtland to walk back through the door.

Courtland can’t leave me now. Look he picked out this scarf this morning. It. matches. perfectly.

Casey says “the road out of here is paved with torture.” (I think she is referring to Vern). Emily the Strange replies, “Good one, Casey.”

Click. Door opens. IT’S COURTLAND!!!

Courtland starts dancing and shouts “GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!! DOUBLE ELIMINATION!!!”

Don’t let the shades fool you. They’re covering my teary bloodshot eyes. Vern pulled a Dolores Umbridge and made me write “I will not fuck up another Trump room” with the blood of my own hand.

So it was written. So it shall be done.

Emily the Strange tells the camera in a sing-song voice “Double Elimination Time!!!”

It’s like those Doublemint twins except Stacey and Tom weren’t twins…

The designers are shocked as Courtland continues to dance around the room. Michael jumps up and asks Courtland if he is the only one that came back.

Courtland joyously shouts “Yes, I am!!!”

You can paint, you can design, you can…. (mid-air snap)

Oooo oooo oooooo (Rufio crow shout)

Courtland tells the camera it is sweet victory. Everyone is like we’re top five. Hellz yeah!

Cue credits.

AT BROOKLYN STUDIOS…

A photographer is taking pictures of a sink.

Work it. Work it. Ohh yeah your faucet is so hot. Come on, stop being so frigid in front of the camera. I don’t care if you’re porcelain. I need more heat. Jean Claude turn on the hot faucet. There…that’s better. ‘click’ click’ flashbulb light!

The designers enter the room and are greeted by Genevieve and a man wearing a lovely purple shirt.

I was playing ‘Grape Escape’ this weekend and thought what the hell I’ll wear a grape colored shirt Monday.

Genevieve shoos away the photographers and turns to the designers, telling them no they’re not paparazzi.

The Dragon Lady doesn’t permit paparazzi unless he’s here.

Genevieve tells the designers that there is an actual photo shoot going on right now, but first she would like to introduce her good friend and this week’s guest judge John Gidding.

Gidding’s inner monologue: “Slowly tilt head, don’t show teeth. Don’t want to be too toothy. Nod hello. Yes, nailed it. My curb appeal is going up.”

Courtland’s inner monologue: “Impressive head nod.”

John tells the designers that being a New York designer he has probably seen it all.

Have you seen….Blueberry Fields?

John continues that he is excited to be here today and see what the designers have to bring to the game.

Step Up 3D ain’t got nothing on me. Put on your 3D Design glasses because this soon to be compact Asian design host is gonna bring it.

Michael zones in on John’s good looks and begins gushing to the camera like a hormonal Zoey 101 except he doesn’t get knocked up when he’s 16.

Then John’s teeth make that ‘tinking’ sound. More metallic than Edward Cullen’s twinkling skin. Imagine dull tubular bells minus the Linda Blair puking blehhhh ‘Exorcist.’

Stacey, why you do this to me? Why you give me no box spring mattress?

Genevieve tells the designers that Cheryl Tiegs is off filming her show and Vern will join them during the judges’ walk through later.

Now for this week’s challenge: design a kitchen using Kenmore appliances for a Sears catalog photo.

Teams will be judged on their single professional photograph.

Then Genevieve announces that right now the teams are a little unbalanced.

Michael – “Well, I know I’m pH balanced. I’m wearing Secret deodorant. Strong enough for a man, but gentle enough for a woman.”

Genevieve laughs and asks if Courtland is lonely. Courtland says “uh a little bit.” Then Genevieve asks Emily to refresh everyone’s memories and remind them of what she does for a living.

I’m a prop stylist for photo shoots.

Ooo looks like Emily the Strange could be quite useful for this challenge.

Genevieve tells Emily the Strange to join Courtland’s one-man red team. Emily the Strange and then Courtland take on English accents as they say ‘ha-lloooo team mate”.

Courtland – “Praying at the altar of Barbra Streisand totally worked. I got a ‘Funny Girl’.” Emily the Strange – “I’m not a Jew.”

Emily the Strange tells the camera that although she has been doing photo shoots for eight years she has never prop styled a kitchen.

Genevieve motions to a table to her left; on it are three baskets.

Tisket a tasket a obviously these baskets AREN’T FROM HARRY & DAVID!!!!

Genevieve explains that each basket has a theme. There’s the I-talian basket.

Ba-bita-boopy!?! Bee-bita-boopady-baba!

The tropical basket.

Chiquita banana. Jungle 2 Jungle. Mimi-Siku.

And the French basket.

Sacre bleu! Lumiere! Mrs. Potts. OMG CHIP!!

Each team gets to choose a basket for their kitchen theme inspiration. Genevieve tells Alex his team gets to choose first since he was the winner last time.

Michael and Casey giddily tell Alex to choose the French basket.

Michael – “Choose French, Alex. The French always wear the best scarves.” Casey – “Choose French, Alex. The French have Coco Chanel.” Alex – “I’ll choose French because they have the best fries.”

Alex tells Genevieve blue team selects the French basket.

Genevieve says your turn red team. Courtland replies, “We’re going Italian all the way.”

Mama Mia! Luigi. Mario! Spaghetti-os. Ba-bita-boopy!?! Bee-bita-boopady-baba!

Side note: I’m part Italian so it’s perfectly fine with me playing up the stereotype.

John now tells the designers this week’s twist. Each designer must select an item from the basket that will serve as their individual inspiration for the kitchen design.

Courtland tells the camera that we can call him and Emily the Strange “The Dream Team” because they have AIDS and sell Ball Park Franks and Hanes underwear. J/K that would be Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan. With Emily’s skills and his kitchen building background Courtland feels they can handle this challenge.

AT THE RED TEAM’S KITCHEN SET…

Courtland and Emily the Strange stand in front of their basket. Courtland tells Emily the Strange we’re going to pull our inspiration from this basket. He asks Emily the Strange what is calling her name from this basket?

Emily the Strange says the garlic.

The Frugal Gourmet would be pleased. He used to love rubbing garlic all over his male chefs.

I chose the garlic to prove vampires aren’t allergic. I’m tired of these fucking Twilighters and their stupid rumors. We don’t sparkle and we’re not vegetarians. Have you seen Tom since elimination? No? That’s right because I drained him of his blood. Mmm it was good. Now I want to hump a lamp.

Courtland chooses the parmesan cheese.

Obviously this isn’t Kraft singles. Ewww is that mold on top?

Courtland tells the camera there are so many organic textures and musical tones in cheese that he thinks he can translate.

I want the blues Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, the blue box blues. Well, if Daddy wants to please me he’s only gotta cheese me. I. got. the. blues.

AT THE BLUE TEAM’S KITCHEN SET…

Michael, Alex and Casey are gathered around their basket.

Alex – ” I feel just like the Goonies when they find One-Eyed Willie’s treasure.”

Michael selects the shells for his individual inspiration.

Everyday French with Pierre Escargot oh ho ho.

I was really inspired by the rustic exterior of the escargot shells plus I freakin’ loved Keenan as Pierre Escargot.

Casey says she’s really feeling the bread so she selects the loaf of French bread.

French bread: best served stale with a cigarette. Har Har Har Harrr.

Casey tells the camera she lurves the feel of bread.

There’s nothing like molding a piece of bread. I love to take a hunk, put on ‘Unchained Melody’ and pretend I’m with Patrick Swazye’s ‘Ghost’.

Alex chooses the corkscrew.

WTF???

Really? ‘wah wawwww’ (or whatever that sound it is the Peanuts make when they fuck up.)

Alex says the corkscrew is the only thing in that basket that represented function and function is very important in a kitchen.

Conjunction junction what’s your function? Connecting phrases like that “Corkscrew is stupid, and we’re going to fucking elimination.”

Alex says his corkscrew will represent the stainless steel appliances in the kitchen. Here’s to hoping that he’s right and Vern doesn’t end up using the corkscrew on Alex as an elimination torture device.

Michael tells Alex, “So you’re down with the corkscrew.”

“And I’m sure Alex is down with O.P.P. too.”

Michael worries that Alex’s corkscrew will not mesh with the rustic design envisioned by him and Casey. Michael says that Alex’s corkscrew is a screwy choice and it’s going to screw him in the end. Ha ha ha ehhhhh.

AT THE RED TEAM’S KITCHEN SET…

Courtland tells the camera that he and Emily the Strange have decided to compromise. They’re going to go with modern traditional with a subtle I-talian flair for their kitchen design. As they’re picking out designs,  Courtland says “Is that coolio?” OMG I almost died!!! I LOVE to say ‘coolio’. It’s my way of subtlely making fun of rapper Coolio. MWhahahahahahahaha.

Okay moving on.

Emily the Strange and Courtland look at counter top samples.

Emily the Strange – “Which screams Jersey Shore to you?” Courtland – “None of them. We don’t have orange tiles.” Emily the Strange – “Ooo good one!”

Emily the Strange tells the camera they selected a granite counter top and medium wood for the cabinets.

This granite will put a ‘boom boom’ in your eye. Bada-bing!

Courtland tells the camera that for the walls he wants to do an Old World Venetian treatment. Uh oh. Remember this conversation during the Patio challenge?

Now that I think about it, it’s perfect. Dump your mob bodies behind the wall and let Courtland give it a sweet Venetian treatment. Mama mia!

Oh my, my pizza pie choose a color before you die; Stuff that body behind the wall, and give Courtland a call; Venetian treatment is grand, and makes the perfect plan;To cover up a crime, and Courtland will save you a dime, ah that’s amore….

Then Shawn from Cabinets to Go drops by. Emily the Strange gives Courtland free reign to design the layout of the kitchen with Shawn. The process appears to go smoothly.

AT THE BLUE TEAM’S KITCHEN SET...

Casey is sketching the layout of their kitchen as Alex strokes his chin thoughtfully.

Edgar from Lumber Liquidators drops by. Edgar asks the trio which way do they want the floor to run. Alex motions one way, Casey and Michael the other.

Uh oh. Will squabbling soon follow? Affirmative.

Michael thinks Alex’s way will look funny on camera. Hah! Look at Edgar’s expression.

Seriously?

Casey agrees with Michael’s vision. Michael says to him it makes sense that floor is oriented the same way as the island.

Why would you orient your island one way and your floor another?

Umm why not?

Because it gets busy and it looks like it WAS UNINTENTIONAL.

Then the camera spins from Michael to Alex to now Casey. This feels like a basement scene out of ‘That ’70s Show’.

Whoa where did the pot brownies come from? We don’t even have a Kenmore oven in this bitch yet.

Casey ends up being the deciding vote and sides with Michael’s floor vision. Casey tells the camera that she will always trust Michael over Alex because she shares more in common with Michael.

Scarfs DUH!

AT A TILE STORE…

Courtland and Emily the Strange are looking for tiles for a backsplash in the kitchen. A man in a HOT PINK  shirt assists them.

Courtland holds up a tile and Hot Pink Shirt Man assures them it was made in Italy. Then Courtland points out to Emily the Strange “Look it reads your garlic.”

Courtland – “Do you like it?” Emily the Strange – “I think it reads my garlic.” Hot Pink Shirt Man – “Isn’t it fantastic and it’s onsale. It goes with any decor and…” Emily the Strange – “Hey Bird Cage, can you give us a minute?”

AT SEARS…

Michael, Casey and Alex are on a mission to check out the appliances beforehand.

I told the sales clerk we need to design a kitchen that speaks to the appliances.

And I was like who is this little scarf wearing white boy? What does he mean speak to the appliances?

The sales clerk shows the designers what appliances they will be working with. Up first is the oven.

Rick Moranis oven likes to shrink things like Shrinky Dinks.

Up next is Ice Box.

Ice Box likes Devon Sawa and is the only female football player on the ‘Little Giants.’

The sales clerk tells the group that these appliances are energy efficient and French. Way to make American appliances look bad Sears.

BACK AT THE BLUE TEAM’S KITCHEN SET…

Montage of Lumber Liquidators installing flooring.

Michael, Casey and Alex arrive back. Casey and Michael ooo and awe. Alex says the floor looks good.

Casey decides that for individual inspiration, the French bread, she is going to rough up some chairs so she grabs some sand paper and tells Michael to get to work.

Michael – “Casey, this is hard.” Casey – “I know, Michael.” Michael – “Want to go to GAP later and look at Fall scarves?” Casey – “Of course and I got coupons.” Michael – “I ‘heart’ you!”

Michael tells the camera tha he and Casey really jive well together. It’s refreshing for him to work with another talented designer.

I’m thinking about inviting her to join me and Courtland at our usual Pottery Barn for Kids table for Mai Tai Thursdays.

After complimenting Casey, Michael starts in on bashing Alex again. He tells the camera that he has not seen Alex step up to the plate and make his voice heard. Uh Michael, I think he tried but you and Casey overruled him.

Montage of sanding and Michael nitpicking Alex.

AT RED TEAM’S KITCHEN SET….

Red team’s flooring is installed and Emily the Strange and Courtland are shuffing around some kitchen furniture. Looks like they paid a visit to Sears as well.

Sears: Our appliances: energy efficient. Our plastic bags: suffocate children.

As they open the paint cans, Emily the Strange worries that the color palette is pretty much the same and that they need some contrast.

Courtland holding his hunk of parmesan cheese tells Emily the Strange, “Don’t lose hope.”

One of these things is not like the other…

Emily the Strange’s solution: to order a lot of colorful food. Interesting. Go on….

She heads over to the computer and begins scrolling through online produce on FreshDirect.com

Emily the Strange – “What’s an Italian fruit?” Courtland – “A meatball?”

Montage of Emily the Strange and Courtland working. Emily the Strange appears to be making a bubble wrap chair.

Normally I-talians put plastic slip covers on their furniture. We don’t have plastic, but we do have bubble wrap.

Emily the Strange tells us she grew up Mormon and they sewed all their own clothes. She tells us she is thankful for the skills she acquired  growing up but she is no longer a part of that religion.

AT THE BLUE TEAM’S KITCHET SET…

Montage of Cabinets to Go rapidly installing cabinets. The designers arrive to see pretty cabinets with counter tops installed.

Michael ooos and ahhhs with glee. Casey walks over to the cabinets and holds up backsplash samples to the wall.

Look it looks just like a French Super Mario Bros brick. If you hit it, do you think a mushroom or fire flower will come out?

Montage of Alex cementing and Michael this time is using a regular hammer.

Did you really think I’d use a nail gun again? Hello! Thumbelina got nailed over here!

Michael hammers the table hard and tells Casey, “This is you.” Okay psycho. Scarf on too tight? Alex looks over and says nothing. Wise Alex, very wise.

Michael moves onto staining the table. He then tells the camera how he’s always been competitive. Even in art class he always had to have the best macaroni necklace.

I didn’t use any of that elbow macaroni shit. My noodles were Kraft macaroni in the special designs. My macaroni wagon wheel necklace dipped in glitter was the bomb.com (back when it was cool to say bomb.com)

Michael asks Alex how are things with him. Alex replies alright so far.

Alex tells the camera that it is his first time tiling.

The Sears Blue Crew (no they’re not Smurfs) arrives and installs the appliances.

Casey tells the camera that Alex really has done much with his individual inspiration other than connecting it to the appliances purchased. That doesn’t require any creativity. Take note Alex, Stacey’s taxi cab under glass.

AT THE RED TEAM’S KITCHEN SET…

Looks like the Venetian walls are done. Wonder who is buried behind them? Tom’s drained body? Hope Emily the Strange didn’t turn him. It would suck to have newborn vampire Tom come busting through the wall during the Judges’ Walkthrough.

Imagine Vern’s response, “Bitch, please I’m trying to judge right now.” Stake through the heart.

Then if Tom is a True Blood vampire, he’ll explode getting blood all over the new Kenmore kitchen appliances.

But I digress. Getting back to Courtland and Emily the Strange.

Montage of Courtland painting. Courtland tells us this would be his future mother-in-law’s dream kitchen because Courtland’s fiancee Dina is Italian.

Camera team shows up. Emily the Strange tells him to go ahead and set-up so they can get an image on the screen and see what they’re working with.

AT BLUE TEAM’S KITCHEN SET…

Casey is pouring paint. Michael is staining. And their photographer, Jeff, shows up. Blue team still has a ton of crap to do before photos can be taken. Looks like Jeff will be waiting awhile.

Montage of blue team running around like crazy. Michael tells the camera that they’re not evening thinking photograph yet. They still have to finish the kitchen.

AT RED TEAM’S KITCHEN SET…

The photographer is lining up shots as Emily the Strange goes about setting out her purchased food.

Why won’t you talk to me? PeeWee’s food talks to him. Hell, he opens his fridge and there is a sordid love triangle going on between Tomato, Strawberry and Banana. Even in the freezer, the Raisinets are ice-skating. You guys suck!

Montage of Emily the Strange directing the photographer. Courtland tells the camera he is depending on Emily the Strange’s knowledge of styling photos.

Here’s the red team’s final kitchen photo. Ta da!

AT THE BLUE TEAM’S KITCHEN SET…

Dramatic music. Casey and Michael are running around fixing stuff.

They start taking photos and Alex makes recommendations to shift things around, but Casey and Michael don’t want to hear.

Lots of arguing.

It’s down to the wire. Here’s the blue team’s final kitchen photo. Ta da!

Casey admits she isn’t confident about their photo.

JUDGES’ WALKTHROUGH…

John Gidding, Genevieve and Vern are waiting as the designers enter the room. Vern looks happy as always.

Vern – “Did you producers line-up the HGTV roof symbol below my dick on purpose? South Park is wrong. Asian men do not have small penises!”

Genevieve reiterates this week’s challenge.

John Gidding tells the red team what they loved about their covershot.  It was warm and inviting and the individual expressions were perfect. Smiles all around.

Genevieve tells the blue team they did a great job too. They gave a strong sense of family and French culture.

Vern adds because both kitchen designs were so great this week there will not be a losing team.

Courtland jumps up and down with glee.

Then everyone says “But…..”

Vern says yes, don’t get too comfortable. This week everyone will be judged as individuals on the final photo.

Vern says the designer whose inspiration was most apparent was Casey. Vern says the rugged texture of her French bread really came through in their team photo.

Vern tells her she can go back to the penthouse and relax. The rest will record their host presentations and return for elimination tomorrow.

AT THE FLATOTEL...

Casey heads back to chillax while the others work on their hosting tapes. Casey tells the camera is was kinda weird being by herself without her fellow designers.

No Emily the Strange zoning off into space, Michael shouting out Lindsay Lohan jail updates or Courtland mixing drinks. Did you know I’ve been invited to hang out with Courtland and Michael at Pottery Barn for Kids? Exciting huh!

Casey busts out the champagne to celebrate in style. Then Casey was able to call her husband and tell him she’s in the final four.

Here’s Casey’s husband.

He, too, is a victim of WonkaVision.

HOST PRESENTATION TAPING…

Michael, Courtland, Alex and Emily the Strange tape their host presentations.

ELMINATION DAY…

This week John Gidding is filling in for Cheryl Tiegs and he does a marvelous job of fitting in with the judges cohesive ensembles.

Genevieve – “Nice job, John.” Vern – “Yes, sharp suit John and look at that come hither swagger.” Genevieve – “Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Vern?’ Vern- “You know it. John, you’re replacing Chery Tiegs.”

Vern starts with Emily the Strange. He wants to know how her inspiration was manifested within the space.

Emily the Strange says hers was the garlic and blah blah blah.

Vern says he’s frustrated with Emily’s complete lack of editing. Genevieve says Vern is right. Emily the Strange admits she left her counter tops cluttered and says ‘my bad.’

Up next Courtland. Courtland explains his love of parmesan cheese. Vern tells him he could have done better with the texture and that Tom busted out of the wall after the walkthrough and ate a camera man.

Sorry that was my fault. Feel free to stake him.

Vern moves onto Michael and Alex. I wonder if there will be a girl fight? Alex tells Vern it was a bit of a source of frustration. He explains that he kept being vetoed.

Genevieve asks what Alex wanted different. Alex says the floors

Michael explains the story of his escargot. Then Genevieve and Vern call Michael out for his cluttered countertops.

Alex explains his corkscrew’s connection to the appliances. He also adds how he helped do other stuff.

Vern isn’t buying it. Vern tells Alex just because “I put tires on a car doesn’t make me a mechanic.”

Unless I wear a Jiffy Lube jumpsuit. Then I’m totally a mechanic baby.

John adds the functionality is inherent but the corkscrew is missing.

You could have placed on the countertop a cute little ceramic piggy with a corkscrew tail. Bam corkscrew in the kitchen!

Vern dismisses the designers so the judges can deliberate.

The designers come back in. Vern tells them this week both teams were great so they’ve selected a bottom person from each team. Bottom two are Alex and Emily the Strange.

Everyone watches Alex and Emily the Strange’s host tapes.

Bam!!! Alex is eliminated!

Tune back next week when all four designers will design and host. They will report to the studio, but only three will survive. Toodles!