Design Star: If these walls could talk…

Welcome to the Design Star recaps.

HGTV has not made this show easily accessible, so I apologize in advance for the recap this week. It’s a little less detailed than I would have liked. I’m working on other ways to access the show, hopefully with Comcast’s cooperation, next week’s recap will have more of the deliciously devilish details you have come to expect from your friends here at TVgasm.

The fourth season of HGTV’s Design Star brings us to Los Angeles. 10 designers have been selected to compete for their own series on HGTV. One by one each designer arrives and we get a very short introduction as they file into their new Hollywood home.

Jason is also a radio host and is ready to bring his new-found celebrity to the state fair circuit, if he wins.

Joy Hickey is a color designer. She is one of only 150 people in the country who holds a degree in color design. She doesn’t elaborate on exactly what that course of study entails, but my (2 minutes) of research shows that there aren’t any American schools that specialize in this program, so she probably had to study in Australia or Finland. I would have guessed Sweden. If Sweden has trailer parks that would make so much sense.

Woody has a degree in architecture. He auditioned last season, but didn’t make the cut. It was a very difficult time for him, especially after discovering someones poisoned the waterhole!

Jany says she’s a self taught designer, her background is in economics. Amy is giddy with excitement, she’s the most perfect for this. It’s the most perfectest job ever. Nathan is a designer and an artist.

Meredith Baxter-Birney owns a her own business, so she’s on par with Sarah Palin for being qualified to be Vice President and by default, a TV star.

Antonio will bring something big and bold to HGTV–he’s a set designer. He’s a badass.

Tashica and NadaStar join the group, but there will be an 11th designer joining season four.

Host Clive Pearse brings the designers together to announce that one semi-finalist will be voted onto the show by the contestants. Gary, Evil Eyes and Torie Sugarbaker answer the contestants’ questions and the votes are cast. The universe is happy with me today so my favorite, Torie Sugarbaker, wins the vote — arguably because a background in designing model homes may indicate she is the weakest.

Clive then introduces the judges, all of whom are established television hosts and designers and recognizable even to me. Clive, not so much. What are his credentials?

This season the final decision will be made by the three judges and not left to America’s vote. Joy Hickey likes this new system, because it won’t be so strongly based on personality. A competition to find a television personality by judges who are television personalities won’t consider your personality? Think again Trailer Park.

1st challenge: The contestants will have to design their Hollywood home. This house has been home to Marilyn Monroe, Frank Sinatra and Lucille Ball. So I’m guessing if these walls could talk, they wouldn’t be impressed by Clive Pearse’s celebrity either…

The designers will have 32 work hours over 4 days and a budget of $50K to design the living room, dining room, and three bedrooms. They are given a chance to break into teams and decide a budget. The contestants decide to divide the budget based on the square footage of the room. And all these rooms look like an empty exhibit at the MoMA, so I guess even the a large sum like $50K is going to have to stretch — thinner than Clive Pearse’s hairline.

Dan and Nathan will take the dining room. Antonio, Meredith and Amy take the living room. NadaStar and Tash will take the master bedroom — Jason and Joy, and Jany and Torie will get the two smaller bedrooms.

Nearly everyone in the cast says “Hollywood Glam” a bunch of times and the brainstorming begins.

In the master bedroom NadaStar and Tash decide on a bold harlequin patterned floor, to introduce a major graphic element to their room.

Antonio, Meredith and Amy have the living room and so far all they’ve decided is that they’re not trusting Antonio with the shopping cash. Tone will hang back and start construction on seating for the room while Meredith and Amy hit the stores.

Jason and Jen are full of half wit ideas I don’t really understand. At one point I’m pretty sure Jason proposed faux painting a mirror on wallpaper in the bedroom? Does that make sense to anyone? What the hell did he say?

Jany and Torie decide on a color and they’re off.

Nathan and Woody don’t get out to the store on the first day. They decide to carefully plan out the graphic element in the room that Nathan wants to hand paint on the wall.

Clive arrives to announce it’s the end of day one.

On day two, team Trailer Park (Joy and Jason) announce that their room is an urban writer’s lodge. Hold on Jase, this woman thinks her Beezus and Ramona haircut is a good idea, why would you trust her ideas?

Dan is constructing a dining room table. They need a large table for the warehouse-sized room and Dan has decided to build something large scale with an opening in the middle for three large vases.

Nathan is painting a graphic mural on the wall which is truly an interesting choice. I like the idea, but I would feel like I’m eating dinner is a gigantic Risk board game.

Two tones of purple have made it onto the walls in the living room, but Antonio is concerned there isn’t enough color in the room.

He’s constructing floating panels that will be covered with wallpaper, but he’s not done yet. He pushes the ladies to paint the birds pink. Meredith is concerned that pink birds are going to look like toys — but were they seriously going to put white birds on a white wall and call is a day? Is that a finished design or an optical illusion?

Joy and Jason are stenciling letters on the wall of their urban writer’s retreat, which also includes bunk beds. Because all urban writers live in their childhood bedroom? Yep, it’s true, writers are poor. I don’t think I needed Design Star to throw that in my face.

Tash and Nada fucked their floors. As they are pulling up the painters tape the paint comes up with it. Isn’t the point of painters tape that it won’t disturb the existing paint? Did they use the correct kind of paint or did they cover the entire floor with Wet N’ Wild nail polish? ‘Cause that’s the only kind of paint I know of that can be ruined that quickly. I am speaking from years of experience ruining manicures, bedroom walls and car finishes.

NadaStar is beyond the point of exhaustion at the close of day two. She hasn’t eaten because she’s been too busy ruining her career and is now at the point of collapse.

When Clive appears at the house to announce the end of day two, Nada is shaking and crying and establishing herself as the drama queen of the group. On any other network this would secure her a place in a least three more episodes, but HGTV doesn’t follow that formula, so instead it may predict doom for our little Nada.

Day three is only two hours long and all our contestants scramble to complete as much as they can.

Time to face the judges.

Woody and Nathan face the judges and wow them. The graphic mural contrasted with the warm wood seating area is a success. Personally, seating areas are great, bars are better.

The living room team is also successful.

The judges like the pink birds, although Genevieve comments that there are some “lonely moments” in the room. The single chairs placed around the room don’t really constitute seating areas. With the stark wall and the size of the room, I agree these chairs are more like an art piece than a reading nook.

Jany and Torie’s room is a little textbook, but passable.

Genevieve is concerned with the blank spaces in the room. It’s a bit unbalanced.

Joy and Jason’s room is confusing. It has astro turf and a lot of pieces that require alot of explanation. The urban writer’s retreat is a mess.

Worse yet is Tash and NadaStar — the floor is a mess, the curtains are taped to the ceiling and they cut the duvets.

Additionally, they put a grade school shadow box version of an aquarium in their fireplace and Candice is embarrassed for them.

After some time in prohibition (the green room), the designers are back in front of the judges. The living room and dining room teams are at the top and Jany and Torie Sugarbaker’s dining room was passable. Jany and Torie are told that playing it safe will not win this competition.

The remaining four designers are at the bottom. Joy and Jason’s room is a puzzle not a passable space.

Candice reminds them that they should not have to explain a successful design — but they’re safe. Tash and NadaStar turned in the most half-assed room in design show history, crudely cut duvets, taped curtains and a chipped floor make for an embarrassing design. And Nada lost her shit way too early, she’s cancelled.

Join me next week for the notorious kitchen challenge. Reality show contestants + sledgehammers = fun.