Desperate Housewives: Big Breasted Robin

This Week on Desperate Housewives: Geez, Julie Benz hit the jackpot after dying in Dexter, cuz this episode is all about her. Or her character, Robin, an ex-stripper. Lynette bitches at Robin about Parker wanting to do her; Gabby convinces her to convince Ana to move away; Robin convinces Bree to strip for Orson using Tchaikovsky as background music; Susan gets jealous when Robin rubs her stripper-y hands all over Mike. But not to fear, Susan — cuz Robin reveals to Katherine that she’s not so much into the penis. Robin Robin Robin! Robin!

A documentary about Marc Cherry’s domestic help.

First off, a shout-out to Flipit for taking care of my “About Last Night” segment! Thanks, guy! I owe you a sloppy make out session.

Mary Alice tells us that the first thing we need to know about Robin Gallagher is that everyone wants to look at her. And yell, “Way to die on Buffy! And then Angel! And then Dexter! Good luck on this show, chump.” Poor Julie Benz. Always a guest-star, never a regular. Remember Katherine? You don’t? Well anyway, she’s back from the bell jar, and it’s time for a “Good Luck On That Contract Renewal!” party at the Solis house. But who cares about Katherine when there’s some hot strange in a tight red dress? Susan introduces Robin to the gang, and the guys act really, really ridiculous around her. I mean, Samuel “Screech” Powers flirted better than these d-bags. Honest to god, junior high boys are watching this right now (no they’re not, but for the sake of the joke, let’s pretend) and going, “Oh my god, I am embarrassed FOR YOU, Tom Scavo.” And, for some reason, all the girls are jealous that Susan — who is wearing a leather jacket over a leather shirt, I might add — brought in such a young, bubbly, stupid vixen into their cougar den. And then all the guys find out Robin was a stripper. This should be fun. Wait, is “fun” the right word? No, sorry, I meant “excruciating.” Credits.

I love dancing! Nothing touches my heart like ballet.

In the kitchen, Gabby, Bree, and Lynette are like, Hey, thanks for bringing a whore to the street, Susan . . . and you can’t pull off leather, sweetie. Cherry decides to give Katherine a line this week, and she’s all about supporting Robin and giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Stop staring at Susan’s face you guys. She’s trying to get the elasticity back.

They’re doing something a little different this week, because we see a title card that says “Lynette and the Stripper.” It’s the next morning, a couple of Parker’s friends come over to walk with him to school or to the bus or something. I’m hoping this will be important later on. I don’t like to waste precious sentences on characters that don’t matter. Like Orson. Anyway, Tom is like, Hey Lynette, shouldn’t you fold this laundry while I sit here on the couch, and then maybe give me my early-morning insult? Done and done, but when Lynette moves the pile of clothes she finds a ring underneath. Awwwwww! I guess it’s their anniversary. Yup. 20-odd years of dream-smashing and mutual resentment. Marriage rocks! There’s a tiny bit of sexual banter before Lynette begins to wonder what’s up with the gaggle of 8th graders in Parker’s room upstairs.

So, like any nosy mom, she runs up there and opens the door without knocking. My mom would be proud. And then she’d read my mail. Turns out they were spying on Robin, who’s showering over at Susan’s house. Can I just say how weird and random Parker’s friends are? There’s one dude who is freakishly tall with a freakishly tiny head, another dude who looks like a smaller version of Carrot Top, and another dude who’s desperately trying for the Zac Effron look and failing miserably.

See?

Lynette, on a high from the prospect of berating someone, runs over to Susan’s house to give Robin the 411 on her horny teen, and to tell Robin that this is a “nice community.” Ummmmmmmmm . . . no. It’s not, Lynette. Or have you forgotten about the numerous shootings, arrests, a suicide, the murders, the pedophile, and that strangler who is still at large? And let’s not forget that there were black people living on the street a few years ago. Honest to god — black people! Thank god they left and returned Wisteria Lane to it’s proper one-latino-family-is-all-the-diversity-we-need status. Lynette goes on to say that the kids on the street are innocent. Ummmmmmmm . . . no. But Robin counteracts that with the bombshell that l’il Parker Scavo asked her to do him, and then when she said no, he offered to pay her.

Parker comes home after school for that time-honored tradition of the So You Tried to Pay a Stripper to Have Sex With You talk. Gosh, I remember when my parents sat me down for that one. Of course, they had to substitute “Trucker” for “Stripper,” but the rest of the conversation is pretty much the same. Parker says he really needed to have sex with her, because he’s the only one of his group of friends who hasn’t lost his virginity. And the exact second I’m thinking it, Lynette’s all, “First of all, we’ve seen your friends and pimples, braces, and Beam Me Up Scotty aren’t gettin’ any.” Ha! Parker says that girls don’t look at him that way. Tom’s all, You’re a great kid and in a few years you’ll meet a great girl and have lots of sex and stuff. Awww. Probably not, but thanks for the lie, Tom.

Don’t make me go all John Lithgow on you, skank.

Lynette tells Tom that he did a great job and then Tom opens his big fat gob and is all, Guys always pay for sex anyway — with dinner or a ring . . . Oh, lord. Any sane woman would be offended, but since he said it to Lynette, who has the emotional reaction level of Godzilla, I can only imagine how this will turn out. Lynette’s like, You think that’s the only reason we’re having sex tonight? And with that, Lynette slams her vajayjay door shut. Later, in bed, Lynette and Tom discuss the first time Lynette put out: Tom thinks it’s because he dropped two hundies on dinner, but Lynette says it was because he brought over a light bulb to replace the one that was out in her hallway. Um, yeah, but still, Tom bought you something, Lynette, and you did him because of that. And then they begin the act of love making. Lynette’s on top. Of course. The next day, Lynette goes over to Susan’s to apologize to Robin, who’s all, “The next time you’re giving it to your husband, could you draw the drapes?” Oh, snap!

Thanks for the mental image, jerk.

“Bree and the Stripper.” Over at the Bum Legs Barracks, Bree’s helping Orson onto his bed. They discuss their daily activities for tomorrow: Bree’s catering a bar mitzvah while secretly judging the Jews for not loving Jesus, and Orson’s going for a hike. In his mind. Because he can’t walk. Orson says he’ll be fine while Bree’s away.

The next day at the Kitchen of Tomorrow, Robin pops in to ask Bree how to make a Thanks For Taking In a Big Boobed Ho cake for Mike and Susan. Cut to the finished cake, where Robin’s all, Must be weird to be married to a guy who can’t get a boner. Bree tells Robin that they’re trying to fix what went wrong with their marriage, and Robin tells her that the bedroom is the place to fix a marriage. Robin goes on to say that Orson can still feel Bree’s touch on his skin. Her cold, icy touch.

Back at home, Orson is listening to Tchaikovsky. I do believe it’s from the Nutcracker. Arabian Dance maybe? Yeah, that’s right — I know classical bitches. And somehow, Bree gets the idea that this is the perfect stripper song. Forget “Fat Bottomed Girls” or “No Sugar Tonight” — nothing is sexier than Handel’s Water Music. Bree tries to grind up against Orson, but it doesn’t really turn out that great. It’s mildly funny. Bree says she wants to get closer to Orson and share a bed again, “even if it means just holding your hand before you fall asleep.” Awwwww. Holding hands with Bree. It’s almost as nice as gripping the cold, icy hand of death.

Bree’s kidnapping herself!

“Hypnotoad and the Stripper.” Basically, I’d just bring over a box of wine and Robin and I would get drunk together. I’d talk about my crush on Carlos and then we’d drunk dial him, and I’d leave him this message like, “Carlos! This . . . this is Hypnotoad. I — shhhh! Shhuut uppp! No, I’m talking to him now! Voicemail! What? No. No, it’s Franzia. Franzia! Sorry, that was that stripper with the big boobs. She was on Buffy for like ten minutes. The vampire slayer. What? No, I’m not saying that — fine. She wants me to tell you she was on Dexter or something. Carlos, why . . . why you like Gabby? She’s such a bitch and she has boobs and a . . . I’m not gonna say it! No, I won’t say it! Hahahahaha! Okay, she has a . . . vagina. Ew! Ohmigod gross! But seriously. Seriously. Carlos. Seriously. Don’t wear shirts because you don’t need shirts because you’re hot and you don’t need shirts because you’re hot. And I would be so much better for you than Gabby she’s such a bitch but she’s funny but she’s such a bitch. But she’s funny I guess. Could you call Mike and tell him not to wear shirts either because Mike is also hot and doesn’t need to also not wear shirts? Mike’s a plumber! Oh, and those gay guys should also not wear shirts either because –” And then my time would be up and I’d get cut off.

“Gabrielle and the Stripper.” Ana’s on the horn with Danny while Carlos and Gabby are discussing what to do about Ana and Danny, now that they’ve found out the Bolens have a big dark secret about dolphin-free tuna or recycling. Gabby says that they need to come up with a plan to break them up. Cut to Gabby telling Ana that she talked to some gay dude in New York and he wants Ana to model for him. Ana’s worried about school, but Gabby insinuates that school’s not important for a model. Which is true. That Gisele bitch didn’t graduate from high school and is making a bajillion dollars a year for wearing a bra in public. And yet I have a master’s degree and have $8.55 in my bank account. Awesome. And totally fair. Ana’s all, But Danny and I planned to go to New York togetherrrrrrrrr! I was going to model for Old Navy and he was going to become the next Charles Bukowski with poems with titles like, “Mother Nature’s Shart” and “Fettucine of Shame, Canoli of Regret: My Mother’s Legacy.”

Gabby complains about Ana wanting to be with Danny over at Susan’s, where she and Susan and Robin are drinking wine and complaining about getting killed off of in every major television show. Well, actually just Robin is complaining about that one. Robin says that this one time she took ballet and got discovered but Bobby Butterfield convinced her to pass on the job, and then he dumped her and then she got hit by a car and started stripping. Wow. Story of my life. Uncanny. Gabby’s like, You have to tell that to Ana so she breaks up with Danny and goes to NYC! Gabby tells her to turn on the waterworks, cuz “nothing sells pathetic like stripper tears.” Ha. Susan: “Maybe it would help if I started taping you so you could hear what it is that you say.” Ha!

Tell her how pathetic you feel as a person. Go!

Danny catches Ana and Gabby lugging in some luggage into their house, and then Ana tells Danny about NYC and they fight. And Gabby happy! She spies Robin jogging and tells her that it’s awesome that she told Ana about her story and how it made her break up with Danny, so her plan worked! Robin’s all, I don’t like being used. Good thing you were a stripper, then. Robin jogs on over to Danny’s house to tell him about what went down. Oh, dip. Back at Gabby’s, she tells Carlos the good news and they celebrate with wine. Gabby drinks a lot. We would be good friends. Also, a taxi comes to pick up Danny. I wonder where he’s going . . . Actually, I don’t.

“Susan and the Stripper.” Susan’s made dinner for Mike. By which I mean she picked up a burger and threw it on a plate. Aw, poor Mike. His back hurts. Better take your shirt off, Mike. Seriously. Take it off, Denton. Robin says she can fix his back right up and grabs him from behind and pops it for him. Everyone’s happy! Except Susan, who’s jealous. And me, who’s pissed that Mike has his shirt on.

What is this, Big Love? Take off your damn clothes!

The next day, Susan arrives home to find Robin in skimpy workout gear, walking on Mike’s back. I wish I was walking on Mike’s back. Except replace walking with “licking” and “back” with . . . well, I guess “back” is still pretty good. Susan puts away the groceries and when she comes back, she finds Robin pretty much on top of Mike, stretching his legs. You guys, it’s dirty. And kind of hot. Well, if you imagine Robin is Carlos . . . Are you imagining that? Because I am. Every minute. Of every day. The next day, Susan tells Mike she’s off to make sandwiches for the homeless. Since when did Susan care about other people? Mike tells her that he’s really sore because he re-piped an entire house, and he’ll have Robin crack his back when she gets home. And just like that, Susan’s forgotten all about the homeless and wants to crack Mike’s back by herself. Annnnnnddd smash cut to:

The hospital, where Mike is now in bed with a neck brace. Robin arrives with M.J. and Susan tells Robin that she was really uncomfortable with an ex-stripper straddling her husband, especially since Robin isn’t a hot male Latino neighbor with a smooth Latino chest and a butt you could crack walnuts on . . . Where was I? Oh, right. Robin’s like, You were the only who didn’t treat me as a stripper . . . until now. Robin says that she’s moving out for the sake of their friendship. I wish she’d move in with Bob and Lee! Two gay guys and a stripper?! How awesome would that be?! Not as awesome as two gay guys and Carlos.

Remember when we did this scene in Pretty Woman? Wait. That wasn’t us. Still, though, good scene Julia.

“Katherine and the Stripper.” Robin drops off some mail for Katherine, and asks her how the whole “sane” thing is going. Katherine tells her it’s been hard since the house is empty, and all the Wisteria hos are judging her. Robin says that if would help her loneliness, she’s looking for a room to rent. Annnnnnddd smash cut to: Robin unpacking her things in Katherine’s house. Robin tells her they need to go out and drink, but Katherine says she’s not up for it, and then Robin asks her what it was like in the booby hatch. Apparently, Robin’s mom used to beat her — a stripper who was abused as a child? Cliche much? — when she was drunk and Robin always wanted to have her committed. Katherine tells her it was bad at the hospital — she couldn’t take the people with the blank stares. Wait, Ashton Kutcher was in the mental hospital too? Katherine agrees to go for a drink after all. Because nothing washes down lithium like a cosmotini.

At the bar, Robin talks about stripping, when all of a sudden, Del from Caroline In the City comes over and asks them if they would like to join him and his friend for a drink! Oh! I hope his friend is Charlie! And I hope he’s wearing his roller blades! And I bet that literally one person who reads this will get my Caroline In the City references . . . and that one person is me. Katherine decides that maybe it’s a good idea to join them. But it’s not, because all they do is talk to Robin. At first I thought they were gay because a.) they ask her about her hair and b.) come on — it’s Del! But no, they just want to do her. But not Katherine. So Robin’s all, You don’t want to be with a beautiful, smart woman like Katherine? And when the guys say no, Robin’s all, “Well then I’ll just keep her for myself,” and plants a big long smooch right on Katherine’s pucker. Whaaaaaaaatttt?!

Thankfully for Stripper, lesbians don’t break up much. Cuz if she tries it Katherine will kill her ass.

Back at Katherine’s, the lady-lovin’ ladies sit down with some more wine (dude, are Ernest and Julio Gallo sponsoring this episode or what?) and Robin tells Katherine that she’s a big ole lez. She dated guys but never had a connection, and then when she was stripping she realized she was barking up the wrong tree. She tells Katherine that she shouldn’t give up on dating. Just boners. Katherine’s all, Yeeeeaaaah I’m pretty sure I likey the dong. Yeah, we’ll see, Katie. We’ll see.

“Robin.” That’s seriously the next little title. And given that we’re like 5 minutes short of the end of the ep, I can’t see what else there’s left to explore. Unless she gets strangled! Oh, wait, sorry, Cherry doesn’t want anyone to remember the actual plot of this season. Honestly, the last time I even remember anyone talking about it was when Julie left, and that was more than a month and almost four episodes ago. Anyway, McCluskey (yay!) stops Robin while she’s jogging (Robin’s jogging, not McCluskey, obviously) and says that she hopes people aren’t giving her crap for stripping, cuz McCluskey knows what that’s like. Ha! Ahahahaha! McC says she used to model bras for Sears catalogs and knows how people can just look at your ta-tas and nothing else. Hee! Robin says the best thing about Wisteria Lane is that people “see” her. Oh my god, she used to be invisible?! That would be awe — oh. Oh, I see. Thank you. Thank you for explaining to me that she didn’t mean it literally.

Just posting this so we can all stare at McClusky’s rack.

Mary Alice blahs about the good things that everyone’s seen in Robin so far. Her forgiving nature, her compassion, how nurturing she is. But mostly her boobies. Mary Alice is like, But some people noticed her beauty. We focus on Katherine, and Mary Alice is all, “And surprisingly, they liked what they saw.” Oh, lord. I sure hope y’all are ready for some middle-aged lesbian realizations. Paging Meredith Baxter-Birney!

Next week: Gabby’s kids get chicken pox and since she’s never had it, she moves in with the gay guys for a week! Oh my god, Gabby + gay guys = fabulous fun!! Bree hires another person to help her out (fantastic – more new characters). Roy kisses Susan! And Tom and Lynette forget Penny’s birthday — Seriously, is anyone surprised? We’re lucky if they can even remember her friggin’ name.