Cleaning House

Last week’s Desperate Housewives left off with a decidedly bizarre and sad funeral for Bree’s beloved Rex/really fake looking dummy head, and Susan breaking up with Mike over his psychotic gun-toting son he never knew he had. And with Gabrielle’s Carlos still locked up in the hoosegow and the father of her baby still unknown, it was rather a sad week for the ladies of Wisteria Lane. Let’s hope this week things start looking up for them. Especially since Eli Manning went 19-of-35 with 296 yards and 4 TD’s leading the Giants to a 3-1 record into their bye week and my beloved Red Sox got the AL Wild card, my Sunday was awesome. And if you’re thinking “Is he going to start every one of these recaps with a Sunday sports wrap up?â€? the answer is yes, I very well might. If I’m going to write in-depth recaps of the biggest chick show on TV, I gotta do something to keep my brawny tough guy street cred in force. I mean last week I almost bought drapes. Drapes for god’s sake. If I keep this up I might actually watch America’s Next Top Model for the fashion instead of catty girl fights and the hopes of a possible nip slip. We’re not there yet, but who knows? Who knows!?!We start the episode with Susan coming out to get her morning paper. As soon as she picks it up she spots her ex-husband Karl coming out of local slut (and soon to be Golden Girl) Edie’s house, with that “I just got my morning freak onâ€? smile. And since Susan just broke up with brawny tough guy Mike (he’s got tattoos!) it’s a look that she doesn’t share. She storms over to confront him, even going as far as “forbidding“ him from seeing her. He just laughs it off and goes back inside, since now that Edie has had her morning Ensure, it’s time for round two. Later her daughter confirms that not only are they bumpin’ fuzzies, but they have been doing it for months now.

Morning at Lynette’s house isn’t going much better. Ever since her husband decided to be a stay-at-home dad (think Mr. Mom without the wacky stylings of one Mr. Michael Keaton), things haven’t gone as smoothly she had hoped. First of these snags is the fact that her husband is a gigantic slob who has decided that he will clean the house every other day. This has left the house looking like a Roman vomitorium. She hammers home this point by holding up a dirty plate with a fork stuck to it. I was going to make a typically snide comment about that until I looked down at my own coffee table and realized that “he who is without dirty plates lying around shall cast the first stone.�

Across the street at the Applewhite’s House, Betty and Matthew are trying to have a nice breakfast but they are interrupted by the incessant banging and rattling noise from the guy they have chained up in their basement. Which I can attest is probably the most annoying aspect of having someone chained up in your basement. I mean, who would’ve thought Filipino prostitutes could make so much noise? But enough of my problems. When Matthew yells at him in frustration to stop, Betty reminds him that they are not allowed to speak to him, because that’s part of his punishment. When Matthew asks how she can sit there and listen to it, she says it is because it is a part of her punishment.

At the Van De Kamp’s we see that Bree is still addled with her melodramatic mother-in-law who can’t stop wailing like a cat in heat about her dead son. It gets to the point where she milks it in front of the dry cleaner and then on the phone with the electrician (who called to talk to Bree). She’s horning in on Bree’s condolences and Bree ain’t happy about it. When she tells Phyllis to tone down her “incessant caterwauling,� Phyllis responds by saying that people are wondering why Bree hasn’t had any reaction to his death. No crying, nothing. Some are even wondering if she is mourning his death at all. Gee ABC, foreshadow much?

Over in the clink, Carlos tells Gabrielle that because of her earlier visit when they argued about money and the fact that Gabrielle isn’t allowed to write checks, word got out that Carlos is rich. And now a prisoner named Richie is extorting him for 7 grand. If he doesn’t pay up, he’s gonna get a beat down, Suge Knight style. He also mentioned something about a prisoner named Scofield with these weird tattoos all over his body and an INTENSE look on his face at all times, but Gabrielle didn’t really pay attention. He tells her it’s up to her to deliver the money to his girlfriend Rita on the outside. When she goes to Rita’s rundown slum house to give her the money, instead of taking it she throws it down in disgust. The reason, she explains, is because her boyfriend wants her to get a boob job. Both Gabrielle and I agree that they look fine. Which makes sense because both Gabrielle and I are pretty flat chested. Her because of nature, and me because of my recent gynecomastia. Gabrielle tells her that she should stand up to her boyfriend and not get the plastic surgery. Rita agrees, and Gabrielle walks away with the money.

Across the street, Mike shows up at Susan’s house to get some of his clothes that he left behind. She uses this opportunity to tell him that she still cares for him and that they can still see each other but she wants to just keep it casual. “What does that mean?� Mike asks. Soon enough he starts to kiss her and she pulls away, leaving Mike to depart empty handed with his blue jeans and a fresh set of blue balls to match.

That night Lynette comes home from a long day at the office to find the house still the pigsty it was when she left that morning. She tumbles into bed after doing the dishes where a sleeping Tom awakens and apologizes about yet another flaw in his “system,â€? meaning he was too lazy to clean. She finally loses it when she gets into bed and realize the sheets are covered in what Tom describes as “milky spit up,â€? except unlike my sheets, this is the G-rated baby kind. She flips out and tries to rip the sheets loose. When that doesn’t work she storms downstairs to sleep on the couch. As she’s watching TV, she comes upon an idea that she thinks will solve the whole problem. Talk openly with her husband about her frustrations? C’mon! These are the Desperate Housewives! There’s no fun in that. This is the wife who deliberately sabotaged her husband’s promotion because it meant he would have traveled more. The same woman who then got addicted to ADD medication. The next morning before work she releases a rat into the house. That’ll fix everything! And it does, as later we see her coming home to a spotless house. You see people, this teaches us that lying and deception are not only good, but the foundation of any good television marriage.

Later that day we see Bree and Phyllis having lunch. Bree is complaining that she is having trouble getting her insurance agent on the phone to settle Rex’s estate. Lynette then stops by their table to say hello and see how she is doing. And soon enough Phyllis starts in again with the wailing and sobbing, trying to steal all the attention from Bree. Bree finally has had enough, stands up and slaps Phyllis across the face. Then she calmly sits down and asks her if she needs more time with her menu. I Like Bree. Which is too bad because in the next scene we get some more ominous foreshadowing as we se the doctor talking to the insurance agent for Rex’s estate. He is concerned about a note that Rex left right before he died. It states simply “I understand and I forgive you.” Doesn’t take a genius to see where this is going. This is hammered home even more later on when George, the jealous pharmacist who was the one who killed Rex by switching his heart medication in order to go after Bree, shows up with all his ominous creepiness intact and tasks Bree if she wants to go out to dinner. She doesn’t accept but thanks him anyway and gives him a friendly hug (which is receives with the requisite maniacal grin). A hug that Phyllis sees from her upstairs window.

Back in the slammer, Gabrielle shows up to find Carlos got the beat down for not delivering the money. When she explains to him what happened he tells her he better go and deliver the money now or he’s in bigger trouble. She then uses this opportunity to blackmail Carlos into giving her access to their checking account, to which he reluctantly agrees. She’s so crafty I bet she could convince him to get those checks with Hello Kitty all over them.

Next we see Susan getting in her car when from down the street appears what can only be described as the writers’ cruel joke. Edie is rollerblading in the ugliest 70’s retro outfit imaginable. And let’s just say its not the most flattering outfit for a 54-year-old body. It’s as if we get to see what Rollergirl would look like in the present day. She starts by apologizing for “stealingâ€? her ex-husband away from her. “A couple of tequila shooters and my bra just unhooks itself.â€? she says. And at 4 tequila shooters she’ll even take off her truss. Edie then proceeds to taunt Susan about her and Karl, mentioning that he said sex with her was the greatest he’s ever had. Susan is nonplussed and simply mentions that Karl told her the day he and Edie met that he was still in love with Susan and she drives off. This pisses off Edie who rolls after her and gets her at a stop sign and calls her a liar. The only reason she’s lying is because everyone heard her and Mike were finished, she says. She then turns, gives us the most unflattering ass shot imaginable in those ugly red shorts of hers, and skates off. And then Susan backs up and runs her over with her car. Later on when she goes to Edie’s house to see how she’s doing, Karl answers the door and says that they are moving in together. But he also tells her he will never love a woman the way he loved Susan. Looks like Edie ain’t getting anal anytime soon.

The ass that has become known as the “Anti-Alba”

At a psychiatrist’s office we see Mrs. Applewhite spinning a tale of an abusive husband who killed her son 8 years ago. This gets me confused. Wasn’t that their fake cover story? Didn’t she say last episode that she was a widow? Isn’t Matthew her son? She then says she has been having nightmares and can’t sleep. The doctor then prescribes her some drugs to help her sleep, and then we see why she’s there. She needs to drug the prisoner downstairs because Susan had been complaining earlier about hearing noises. This of course means this doctor will prescribe her a heavy narcotic without even bothering to check out her story. This must be one of Rush Limbaugh’s 8 doctors who scored him his hillbilly heroin.

At the Van de Kamp’s, Bree apologizes to Phyllis for slapping her. Phyllis accepts her apology and all seems well until she leaves, and Phyllis calls the insurance investigator and says that she might be interested in knowing that Bree Van De Kamp has a boyfriend. And the episode ends as we see George and Bree together at her front steps as he snaps pictures of them together.