Desperate Housewives: CoCo Saugatuck Does Wisteria Lane

This week on Desperate Housewives: Orson is pissed that Andrew makes more than he does; Susan goes ape-shit regarding MJ spending time with Katherine because, let’s face it, she’s a better mother (barring the whole daughter-getting-crushed-by-furniture thing); Lynette and Tom fight about money (shocking!); and Gabby and Carlos find out about a secret. And Edie has like 4 lines.

Tough gig.

Mary Alice voice overs about mothers who work outside the home; you know women who dress like slobs, eat like slobs, put their makeup on while they drive. Wow, stereotype much? Anyhoo, it’s Suzy-Q’s first day at her new job and wouldn’t you know it? MJ is sick and barfs all over the floor. She runs over to Mike because, well, it’s what Susan does in a crisis. Or, you know, for anything. They argue about jobs and school and junk, and long story short, Mike ends up taking MJ so Susan can be an art teacher’s assistant. Is it just me or does Mike’s chest look a little buff-er today? I kind of wish I could stay at home with Mike so he could make me soup. Naked. While he’s on top of me. Okay, credits.

It’s night now, and Susan sees a note on Mike’s door saying that MJ is over at Katherine’s. Well, that’s just great, because we all know how good she is with kids. Oh, but hey, I guess a bureau didn’t fall on MJ because he’s fine. This time. I guess Mike had a plumbing emergency or something, so Katherine taught the kid black-jack and how to “always double-down on a pair of aces.” Hee, that’s kind of cute. Kids are cute.

On TV. The real ones piss me off.

Alex (you know, Andrew’s boyfriend) has Bree and Orson over for dinner at their new place, which seems to be painted in baby poo green. Andrew’s running late, and the talk leads itself to Andrew’s expensive taste because of his new raise. Which Orson didn’t know about apparently, and when Alex breaks out the 96 Chateau L’Expensif wine, the stick in Orson’s ass slides all the way in. Why does he care so much about Andrew getting a raise?

Meanwhile, Gabby and Carlos are having dinner out with Carlos’ boss and his wife, you know, the ones who fought Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf style at their house one evening. Gabby and Carlos are still excited about the bonus he’s going to get, and then things get awkward because there is no bonus. Because of the “economy,” which means that, given that this show takes place 5 years in the future, we’re all still going to be fucked in 2013. Yay for stimulus! I’m so looking forward to $8 more per week so I can buy 3 more boxes of Kraft mac & cheese when I go grocery shopping. Whoo. Hoo.

The company isn’t giving out bonuses this year, but Gabby takes it all in stride, saying that it’s okay because what’s important is that Carlos has a job and can provide for her family, because she doesn’t need any fancy jewelry or anything like that. And if you believe that last sentence, this must be the first episode of Desperate Housewives you’ve ever seen and I’ll fill you in on a little secret: Gabby is shallow. Well, not so much a secret as a hardcore rule. Also, Cherry? LAST WEEK’s episode was about money. Get with the program. Also, you maaaaayyy want to start moving the story arc and plot along. Just a suggestion.

Stop staring at that candle or you’ll go blind. Again.

Scavo’s pizza parlor is empty, and so Lynette says they should just shut down for the night, which makes sense. But good ole Tom “Laughs In the Face of Reality” Scavo has this brilliant idea of making his employees sit at tables by the window and act like they’re having a good time by laughing whenever someone walks by so that people will come in. Lynette “Would Rather Be Right Than Supportive” Scavo says that in “today’s economy, people are eating out less.” Oh, wow, you guys, this show is so relevant! Because people ARE eating out less because the economy IS bad! Cherry, I’m not watching this show to relate to anyone (unless it’s Edie, cuz I’m a big ole whore) — I’m watching this show to see Susan fall on her ass, Bree act like a constipated right-wing Donna Reed, Gabby buy things and hide them from Carlos, Lynette verbally abuse and shame her husband, and Edie make bitchy comments about it all. And I’m watching for McCluskey, you stupid turd!! Lynette and Tom do the time-honored Scavo Dream Vs. Reality Dance yet again, and Tom says he’s not going to fail, and right after that, the employees laugh at someone walking by. It’s kind of funny. Kind of.

Edie and Dave get back from a bike ride and Edie wants to reward themselves with a spa getaway, when she hears a buzzing sound that sounds almost like a cell phone vibrating. Um, Edie, it’s coming from your nightstand drawer — if you just push aside the condoms, K-Y, edible panties, nipple clamps, poppers, Wet Liquid, and furry handcuffs, I think you’ll find you just left your Slim Pink Pleaser in the “on” position again. Dave, who wants to avoid conflict because it’s probably exactly what we all think it is (the cell phone of the guy he killed), tells Edie to go call the travel agent about the spa thing — I guess the internet died out before 2013. Get that porn while you can, folks! I know I will.

Oh yeah. Give it to me baby.

Dave pulls out a briefcase and sure enough, Dr. Heller’s cell phone is inside. He listens to a message from Dr. Heller’s secretary who says that if he’s not back by the 15th, then she’s just going to have to tell people that she doesn’t know where he is. Later, Dave, dressed in a suit that even Willy Wonka would reject as too flamboyant, walks over to Mike, who’s repairing sprinklers or gardening or something. With his shirt on. Cherry! You’re not even thinking! Dave invites Mike and Katherine to go camping. Before the 15th. Oooh, tension . . . less.

I don’t have to bring my kid, do I?

Andrew is in the Kitchen of Tomorrow, where Orson confronts him about his raise. Bree comes in with some business crap about tables and 30% of something, and when Andrew leaves, Orson confronts Bree about Andrew’s new salary. Bree refuses to give the info to Orson, who is then forced to call an accountant or banker or something, trying to get the scoop on Andrew’s new raise. But since he doesn’t know the password (which the dude on the other line says is “the name of Bree’s childhood pet,” which is pretty unethical if you ask me), he finds out nothing.

Holy shit, all the Scavo kids in one room?! Yup. They’re all at the kitchen table waiting for Tom to come down with news about the restaurant. Lynette, thinking she knows what the news will be, tells the kids that Tom is going to have to sell the restaurant and that they’ll be eating El Monterey Bean & Cheese Burritos for lunch and dinner until the day they leave for community college. I’m sorry, is the girl who plays Penny the same actress they’ve always had or did they get a new one? I think they got a new one. Anyhoo, Tom comes down and his new restaurant plan? Firing all the workers and letting the kids be the wait-staff. Labor laws and OSHA be damned! Penny’s all, “I’m 9! Is that even legal?” Ha! Old or new, I’m digging Penny today. None of the kids are into the plan, because it’s stupid, and Tom is bat-shit insane, but he pulls Lynette aside and somehow convinces her to go along with the plan.

This can only last for this episode because we can’t afford to pay you for the rest of the season. Sorry. It’s the economy.

Gabby’s at the jeweler, played by what appears to be Will Ferrell in 20 years, trying to convince him to give her the bracelet for free, when she spies Tom’s boss (Brad) kissing another woman in his car. Time for what Gabby does best: Blackmailing someone until she gets what she wants, OR almost blackmailing someone to get what she wants until she learns a valuable lesson and then backs out of said blackmail plan. Or will she? Looks like Brad cut her off at the chase, cuz when she gets home, he’s already there with news that Carlos is getting the bonus after all. $20,000, which Gabby manages to get up to $30,000 after some not-so-subtle hints about Brad’s infidelity. I’m so glad that Gabby’s getting a new bracelet! I mean, sure, 10 employees will have to be fired now, but look how sparkly!

Did you think I was kidding?

Bree is sweating over soup or broth or something, while Orson tries to get the name of her pet under the guise of the old “porn star name game.” You know, where you take the name of your childhood pet and the street you grew up on. Mine is Inky Rainbelt. My drag name would be Brandy Alexander, though, just cuz it sounds cool. Don’t steal it, bitch! Bree caves and says she would be CoCo Saugatuck. Hee. Or Munchy Cedarhurst, or Taffy Swallow, cuz she moved around a lot and had a lot of dogs, all of which she loved equally. Orson, much like Rod Blagojevich, just won’t let it go, and coerces Bree into saying that if she had to choose, Munchy would be her favorite. Also, not that I’m the biggest Susan fan, but what the hell happened to her?

Over at Scavo’s, the place is hopping, and I can’t believe that they’re actually making Penny work, especially since she lost her band-aid. Ha. Parker is skimming off 1-3% of people’s change, and Porter and Preston are fighting over boobs at a table by the window. Things aren’t running smoothly, but over in Denialville, population: Tom, things are going great.

Meanwhile, it’s 23 minutes and 40 seconds later, and Susan is still pissed about MJ being over at Katherine’s, which turns into a big custody thing that Susan should just get over, really. She’s being a total beyotch about Katherine and Mike and how Mike is court-ordered to spend time with MJ, not Katherine. Also, I’m not the biggest Susan fan, but . . . I can’t think of a way to finish this sentence.

Fall down or something.

Bree arranges flowers in the kitchen and Orson runs in, astonished that Andrew is making twice as much as he is, letting it slip that he wormed the password from Bree. Oh man, who is choosing the outfits for the guys on this show? Orson’s paisley tie is louder than a Slayer concert on an active airport hangar. Cherry, you can exec produce all you want, but please don’t pick out the wardrobe, mmkay? Bree cuts the shit with Orson and says that Andrew is worth more than Orson because he was there from the beginning and helped her out a lot. Oh, and he didn’t go to jail for a hit-and-run. For what it’s worth, Orson.

Brad’s wife shows up at Gabby’s house wearing purple polka dots and asking for a favor, needing Gabby’s advice on snooping. Turns out Maria wants to buy Brad a gift and has no idea about Brad’s cheating ass. While Gabby is suggesting that Brad and Maria stay in therapy, Carlos comes home and pulls her aside, wherein Gabby lets it slip about the affair, and that it was the cause of the bonus. Carlos wants to tell Maria, but of course Gabby doesn’t want to.

How would you have felt if someone told you about the gardener? Oh wait…

And we’re back to crazy-ass Susan, who apparently got the memo from Maria and Gabby to wear purple today. Cherry! Enough! Anyway, turns out MJ is over at Katherine’s to help make some brownies, which is cute. Remember when Katherine was, like, Bree’s partner in the cooking biz? And, also, when continuity actually mattered? I guess Mike had another plumbing emergency. Dana Delany is looking pretty foxy in this episode. Did y’all know that she was up for the part of Bree, but declined because Bree was similar to a character she played on Pasadena? And did you know that no one remembers Pasadena? Katherine says she was just helping out Mike and Katherine, but Suzy-Q flies off the handle because it’s what she’s best at, and says that Mike needs to quit pawning MJ off on his girlfriend.

Back at Scavo’s, a big group of high-school kids come in, and Porter and Preston refuse to wait on them because it’s embarrassing, which, as someone who waited tables at the only Pizza Hut within a 40-mile radius in high school, I can sympathize with. One of them is all, go ahead and fire me, and Tom goes psycho and throws him against the wall and shakes him, all “This is my life!!!” Yeah, Tom? You may want to lay off the Red Bull. And the cocaine. Geez. After Scavo’s is all closed down for the evening, Tom goes over the books to see how much it’s worth if they’re going to sell it. Lynette, always turned on by Tom admitting that he failed, begins to make out with him. They agree to let it wait until morning. There’s a long pause with violin and harp music, and it totally feels like the end of an episode, with Mary Alice starting her voice over when Tom oh-so-ironically turns off the neon “Open” sign.

Make it stop.

But, no, it’s not over. Edie tells Dave that they’re all booked for the spa treatment. Dave thinks that’s great, oh, but wait — this is the big camping weekend, and they can’t miss that because Mike was just so darn excited about it. Edie, who hates camping almost as much as I do (and I really, really hate it because even if it doesn’t rain my side of the tent still gets wet and then leaks all over me; and even if there’s no camp-fire my clothes still smell like smoke) refuses to go. Dave doesn’t want her telling Katherine, because then Katherine won’t want to go, and Mike’s “really excited” for her to come. Edie agrees not to tell Katherine. Upstairs, Dave sends a text message to Dr. Heller’s secretary saying he’ll be back by the 15th. LOL. Sideways winking smiley face. LMAO. Ugh, dammit, Dave’s wearing a paisley tie!! Swear to god, Cherry!!!

Oh babe. I’ll murder you the weekend after. I promise.

Brad and Maria are over at the Solis house, where they have some news — Maria’s pregnant. Gabby and Carlos’ faces are all, ooooohhhh shit. Maria and Brad ask them to be godparents. Oy.

Back at Susan’s, she hands MJ a PB&J sandwich with the crusts cut off, but MJ wants a panini with provolone. Susan calls provolone “pretentious.” Uh, really? I’m pretty sure anything sold by Kraft isn’t pretentious. Camenbert? Maybe. Reblochon? Definitely. But provolone? Uh-uh. Katherine goes upstairs to shower, and while she’s gone, MJ runs over to Katherine’s for some real food, lying to Katherine when she asks if Susan knows he’s there. So, when Susan gets out of the shower, she can’t find MJ and runs out in her (purple, I might add) bathrobe and slippers screaming for her son, finally spotting him through Katherine’s window. Telling him to wait outside, Susan screeches like a howler monkey about how Katherine wants to be the “other mommy,” and finally says that MJ is no longer allowed over at Katherine’s. So, now that she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she’s suddenly caring about her son again? Susan sucks, man. She sucks hard. Although, Katherine does have one ace up her sleeve: Mike’s moving in with her. Oh, dip! Where’s your witty retort now, Susan? Maybe Susan’s robe is blue.

She’s wearing one. And for that, I am grateful.

Things are hectic in the Kitchen of Tomorrow, where Orson agrees to watch over things as Andrew leaves to run an errand. Orson totally gets back at Andrew for earning more money by . . . stealing Andrew’s pen? What? Lame. Mary Alice voice overs about working parents or something. Dave goes to his garage to begin packing stuff up for the camping trip, including a gun, which we never brought camping with us when I was in Boy Scouts. Although, there were times when I wish I had brought one . . .