Coma Coma Coma Coma Coma Chameleon

No The Babe this week! I know for many of you that means a much better time in front of your TV, but for me, it means nothing but sadness. They bounce back with a decidedly solid hour of television, even if the Babe quotient is severely diminished. To compensate Desperate Housewives brings out the really, REALLY ugly side of Lynette (you know, instead of simply the really ugly side of her that she displays every other week). We also get treated to Mike’s return from the living dead. As you will read, this means very little to me, as Mike the Plummer breathes about as much life into this show as one of the wrenches he works with. So how thin a use of the phrase “solid episode of television” are we talking here? Well, not SkeleHatcher thin, but not quite The Pomp thin, either. To find out what that means, keep reading!(Okay, you caught me, I have no idea what that means).

So Mike’s awake. I’m sure many of you out there in TVgasm land are quite pleased about this. Not this guy. I really don’t like Mike. No reason specifically, but there’s just something so plastic about him. No, not plastic. Clay. That’s it. It’s his clay face. He looks like something the blind chick that Lionel Richie was stalking in the “Hello” video would sculpt. I would’ve just as soon seen him die in the hit and run (for those of you playing a long at home that’s two, count ‘em two, vehicular manslaughters in 2 years on Wisteria Lane. Must get a lot of Angelina Jolie traffic). Anyway, Mike’s up and I mean that in every way possible, because waiting for him is Edie, in what is loosely considered a shirt. Look at those massive jugs! Sure they are enhanced, but when Nicolette Sheridan had her scrotum removed she got her money’s worth with this boob job. Oh Nicolette! I kid because I love.

This major piece of news (Mike’s awakening, not Edie’s wabbos – points to anyone who noted the Hocus Pocus reference), is then passed along to the denizens of Wisteria Lane. Continuing with the trend of irresponsible doctors in the fine town of Fairview, USA, Mike’s physician is the first to spread the gossip to his Aunt Ida, who tells Lynette, who tells Tom, etc.etc. etc. until finally Julie gets the news via Sloth in between scoops of Rocky Road. Julie tries to call her mother, Susan, but she is still whoring it up with Ian on their romantic cabin getaway.

At Bree’s the Van De Camp-Hodges there is a round table discussion over what the cover story for Andrew’s recent Street urchin days will be. How could Bree have been the only one who caught that news story? Would they even need to lie? The option of telling the truth is, shockingly, mentioned by Andrew. Bree scoffs at the idea, and Danielle barks at her brother with some substandard snarky comment. Last year the Van De Doody child that I loathed the most was, of course, Andrew. But now Danielle has totally taken over the spot in my heart for most horrible Van De Doody offspring. If anything, I’ve come around to Andrew. There are still seeds of evil lurking with in him, which I can respect, but Andrew as an actual human being is quite refreshing. Regardless, Bree snaps at Danielle, ordering her to stop sniping at her brother and to start thinking Alibi. The family has decided to attend a History fair that Danielle is curiously overzealous about. Questions are going to be asked and “giving hand jobs for crack” is only appropriate when you are quoting the South Park movie. Orson comes up with the perfect solution: Drama Camp. Andrew was at Drama Camp. On second though, maybe Andrew should stick with “giving hand jobs for crack.”

Gabby is now fulfilling her eventual destiny as a retail clerk – isn’t that what happens to all washed up models? – by having a garage sale selling all of Carlos’ things. Someone’s been watching their copy of Waiting to Exhale! Carlos finds that his whole life has been put up for sale on his front lawn. Realizing how vapid and self-centered he is, Carlos has a moment of realization and vows to be a better person, better husband and commit his life to charity. Psych! He’s wicked pisst that Gabby is selling everything from his cufflinks to his cashmere gloves. Gabby’s response is that Carlos needs to pay her more in spousal support. Seems fair to me. I’m going to argue that it might be illegal, but fair, none the less.

It’s been quite a race these past few years, for the title of worst mother on Wisteria Lane. Will it be ditzy Susan abandoning her daughter every chance she gets? Bree who literally left her son on the side of the road and turned him into a male Divine Brown? Possibly even Mary Alice who blew her own brains out leaving her son with his deranged father? Nope. For truly horrific parenting you have to look at the more subtle violations of mind, body and soul dispensed by Lynette Scavo. In this edition of “Parenting: What Not To Do”, Lynette discovers that her son Parker, just recently getting over the death of his imaginary friend and having to pose as a cancer patient, both at his mother’s hands, has decided to quit Little League. I say good for you Parker. You suck and you’re bringing the whole team down. No one likes a loser. That’s why I quit Pee Wee soccer mid-game at the ripe age of 9. Lynette, having no concern for her child’s wishes, refuses to let him quit and takes him in the back for some lessons on the mound of life. Tom comes out, searching for his testicles I believe, and tells Lynette that he is letting Parker quit. Lynette finds this unbelievable. What kind of message are they sending to their son if they turn him into a quitter? Maybe the message is that he doesn’t need to play a sport just to satisfy society’s norms for children of a certain age! Take that! Whoa, sorry. Rage blackout. Lynette then throws in something about how parenting isn’t easy, so Tom better watch her do it. The problem here is that parenting as actually quite easy. Lynette’s version of parenting at least. Anyone can be a bad parent.

It seems that there is no phone service at Ian’s cabin in the woods (all the better to chop up flighty brunette’s but sadly, I don’t think that is the direction Marc Cherry is taking this relationship. Downgrade.), so she has yet to receive the news about Mike waking up. However, we also discover that the new couple have already stayed in the cabin for a few extra days. Susan claims to need to get back to work, but we all know Susan doesn’t really do anything. Alright, the speech about Ian not loving Susan, but being able to be in love with her, is rather sweet. YES! I admit it! I want Susan to be happy. FINE! You’ve got me! Umnata has something which resembles a soul.

At the hospital, Edie is getting her clutches deeper and deeper into Mike, feeding him food and lies in equal measure. You see, Mike has some kind of brain damage/amnesia. It’s not that he doesn’t remember anything; he just doesn’t have quite a grasp on the past two years. The doctor tells Edie that he’ll need help. “Oh, I’ll help him alright. Oh. Yes. I. Will. MUHAHAHAH! MUHAHAHHA! MUHAHAHHA!” I might have been paraphrasing, but I think I got the general message across.

Lynette has dragged Parker to his baseball game although he is certainly not the David Wright of this team (METS! METS! METS! METS! METS!). I mean he doesn’t have those chiseled features or those blue eyes that stare into your soul as if only for you or that swing like a Greek God. Whoa. Err. Awkward. Lynette isn’t satisfied just alienating her son today, though. She begins to recant on her vow to support Tom in the pursuit of his dream (to find his balls), as she begins to mention a job in the PR field. Because if he hates the advertising game, he’ll just find the PR industry positively ducky. It is becoming increasingly clear that Baseball isn’t for Parker, or P-Dawg as his mother likes to call him, but the fact that the mini-Rocket is pitching certainly doesn’t help. Lynette later finds the uber-pitcher and buys him some Cotton Candy. Yup, you guessed it. She pulls out a $50.00 bill and bribes the kid to start throwing some clunkers to Parker. And that, ladies and gentleman, is how Lynette became Wisteria Lane’s all-time worst mother.

At El Rancho Dysfunctiono (uh oh, I hope I don’t lose my job with Fox!), Carlos is waiting for Gabby with two surprises. One, he’s giving into her spousal support demands. Two, it is totally within his rights to live in the house with Gabby. Win some, lose some Gabrielle.

Back at the game, mini-Rocket is trying everything short of giving Parker a T-Ball stand to get him to hit the ball. On the third pitch, Parker nails it… right into the mini-Rocket’s head! This leads to the uncovering of Lynettegate 2006 for which I was hoping Lynette would be sent to prison. Sure, it’s extreme, but what a wonderful fictional world it would be if that’s what actually happened.

Bree and clan have headed over to the history fair, where Danielle’s huge project is being admired by her very attentive History professor. I think we know where that is going…

In a more awkward encounter, Andrew meets up with one of his old clients from the streets, who doesn’t immediately recognize him. Andrew then shows him the top of his head, and it all swirls back to the seemingly well-reputed PTA dad. He awkwardly leaves as Orson comes by and identifies him as Dr. Keck. More like Dr. Yuck! Zing!Hey, it’s funnier than anything Robin Williams has said since the mid-90′s. Orson can’t believe that Andrew used to get the meat stick from his Doctor friend, but it just goes to show you that you never know who does and doesn’t like to solicit sexual favors from male teenage runaways. And you think you know a guy…

If Orson was shocked by this turn of events, you could just imagine how confused Bree was. I find her naivety this season to be a bit too much. Like not knowing what an orgasm was? Come on. Now as Orson tries to subtly explain to Bree about Andrew’s gigoliscious past, it’s funny, but seems very forced. I did love it when Orson said that Andrew had to work on the streets, and Bree was pleased that he had a work ethic. It was even funnier when she envisioned him doing yard work for cash. Poor Bree, if garden tools were used it wasn’t for any kind of landscaping. I’m trying to bring the standard here at TVgasm to a new low. I think that implying that Andrew was sodomized by a rake is probably a good start… I also love that Orson’s response to Bree’s acceptance that her son (to quote Angela from the Office) “took the slow train from Philly” (was a whore) was a warm cup of Cocoa. I’ll say the same thing about Orson I’ve always said about Kim John IL. He may be evil, he may be a murderer, but he’s never done anything to ME. You’re okay with me Orson. Especially since, he learns that Mike has woken up. Killing Mike would only score you more points as far as I’m concerned, big guy.

The next day, Bree is having Coffee with Lynette and Gabby at the Solis residence. Bree questions the ladies about whether or not they would want to be told if their husband’s were cheating on them. The girls have varying answers, but it doesn’t matter, because you can tell Bree is resigned to telling Dr. Keck’s wife that he pays for gays. Interrupting this summit is Carlos in his underwear looking in the fridge for a Fanta. Bree spots the big lug and asks Gabby if she and Carlos are getting back together. Gabby and Carlos then get into a fight that escalates into accusations about which of Gabby’s products Carlos, may or may not have, urinated in. It’s a funny conceit, you’re looking at a guy who could watch the puppet Golden Showers scene in Team America over and over again and never stop laughing, but I just don’t think that they are at that point yet. I feel like they keep telling us that the divorce is super messy, but I don’t think we’ve seen it. Or rather, I don’t buy it.

In the Carnal Cabin, Edith Piaf is playing, and my heart swells. She was grandmother’s fav. But French music can only mean one thing: Doomed lovers! Or doom in general. Remember, that Tom Hanks also gave his Edith Piaf a spin before everyone got shot up in Saving Private Ryan. Bitch is the Specter of Death. As talk begins to turn to Ian and Susan running off to Paris together, an errant phone signal gets through allowing Julie to tell her mother the news about Mike. Yes, Susan was away with a near stranger for days at a time without any way of contacting her teenage daughter; And yes, she’s still a better mother than Lynette.

Speaking of Lynette, her little stunt got both her son and the mini-Rocket kicked off the little league team. I’m really looking forward to the very special episode of Desperate Housewives guest starring the Department of Child Services. Tom does a little reflecting on this whole “quitter” issue, as he believes that Lynette is projecting her feelings on Tom “quitting” the advertising industry, on to Parker “quitting” Little League. Oh Tom, neither you, nor your wife, are nearly that complicated.

In other news, Susan is officially freaking out.

At the hospital, Edie is showing Mike pictures of the Wisteria Lane Wildcats. I’m pleasantly surprised that she doesn’t immediately put herself in the position to make Mike think they have been dating for years. She does however plant the idea in his head that he and Susan weren’t the best couple around. Does that really constitute as lying?

Outside the room, a nervous Orson is looking in. What will he do next? NOTHING! The doctor, who is very free with the confidential patient information, tells Orson about Mike’s loss of his recent memories. So Mike may have forgotten who mowed him down in the street, but that doesn’t mean he has forgotten about the sketchy jailhouse dentist work Orson used to do, which in turn, is the reason Dr. Giggles ran him down in the first place! Oh what a tangled web we weave…

Gabby has taken the high road by changing the locks on the house while Carlos was out working to pay her spousal support. Carlos reacts by throwing a chair through a window to let himself in. This causes Gabby to call the police and report an intruder in her home: “Come armed! I think he’s Mexican.” When the cops get there and realize there is no crime, they side with Carlos the jilted husband. Gabby playfully hits one of the cops telling him not to take sides. The cop, also a recently divorced husband, takes this as assault and arrests Gabby. This of course is a wonderful showcase for Eva Longoria’s physical comedy skills and a great opportunity for one of the day players on set to get a little grab ass:

Lynette now must do whatever she can to get Parker back on his Little League team, because after getting that hit he absolutely LOVES baseball. Since she is not above begging, Lynette goes to the coach and asks him to let Parker on the team. The coach at first refuses, but then slyly comments that the team could really use new helmets. Many people thought Eva’s comment about the Mexican breaking into her house was the best line of the night, but I’ve got to hand it to the coach, who after Lynette asks if she’s being bribed he says: “Are you pretending you’re above that?” So succinct, so to the point, so true. Lynette gets her check book out.

Bree is currently having a conversation only remotely more awkward than bribing a Little League coach with new helmets to get your son back on a team, by confronting Mrs. Keck about her doctor husband’s penchant for fellatio from street rats. Mrs. Keck is kind of ticked off by this; she knew that her husband liked the cock, but didn’t need Bree coming over with a basket of baked goods and explaining it to her in detail. Mrs. Keck thought Bree had a little more class than that, like the way Mrs. Keck didn’t mention it to Bree that her daughter was banging her History Teacher. “Where are my manners, I should’ve brought some biscuits with that.”

Lynette has finished her dirty deeds for the day, and gotten Parker back on the team. She also takes time to make amends with Tom, telling him that he’s not a quitter, but she is a little bitter over the fact that he gets to chase his dreams while she’s stuck working the Ad game. In other news, Parker gets a hit, but since he’s a total klutz he also falls and hurts himself. He’ll be out for the rest of the season, which works out for Lynette, since the new helmets were only worth one more game. If she wanted Parker to be back on the team for the rest of the season you don’t even want to KNOW what she’d have to do. Wood. That’s right. Wood. Lots of long, hard wood. You know baseball bats. She’d have to buy the team new baseball bats. GOD! What did you think I meant, you sick, sick bastards.

In the county clink, Carlos has posted Gabby’s bail. They are driving home, when Carlos lays things out on the line for her. He still loves her and is pretty sure they’ll get back together soon, so why not cut out the middle man. Gabby, all ice, tells Carlos that she doesn’t love him anymore and hasn’t for a long time. Carlos assumes that she is just trying to hurt him, but Gabby says if that was her goal, she’d have told him that she slept with John the Gardener last week. Whoops! Loose lips and all that. Carlos is mucho angry. He pulls the car over and throws Gabby out. Yikes, last time someone on this show did that, Andrew ended up giving old men lip service just to get by. Good luck Gabster!

Bree confronts Sloth about diddling her History Teacher, whom Danielle claims loves her. How could anyone love that monster? If she didn’t remind me so much of Sloth from the Goonies, I’d call her a dead ringer for Mikalah Gordon, the most wretched part of Season 4 of American Idol (and that’s including Constantine). I loathe her more than I ever loathed Andrew.

Speaking of the former evil monster, he is sitting consoling his mother when she wonders why she is the worst mother of all-time. He says she’s not, that title belongs to Grandma. Just then Lynette bursts in with her daughter’s severed head in her hands. “Who’s the worst mother now!?!?” That Lynette! She’s so competitive. It’s a nice, rare moment of tenderness between Bree and her misbegotten son; however, it’s not at all saccharine or stagy. He doesn’t let her off the hook for the things she’s done but admits that she did teach them right and wrong: They just opted against right.

Susan finally makes it to the hospital, where Ian is trying to walk the line between jilted lover and sensitive man. Since he’s British it comes out a lot better than it would have from anyone else. He makes a fair point, that it isn’t his fault that Susan missed Mike waking up. Susan doesn’t care, however, she should have never been with Ian, she should’ve been there for Mike. I surprisingly don’t hurl anything at my television, as I agree with both Susan and Ian. SkeleHatcher, my heart is yours!

Susan is elated to see Mike, but he’s all like “ehh…whatevaaaa.” I guess that Edie poisoning is working quite well. Susan says that she’ll be back tomorrow, but Mike asks her not to. Susan’s heart breaks. I then realize that I wasn’t as on board with SkeleHatcher as I thought, because I find myself smiling a little bit. I never realize how many complicated emotions I had in regards to Susan Mayer’s love life.

As Mary Alice roars over us with a painful voiceover, we see everyone’s lies coming up, like Andrew telling his buddies about Drama Camp. Is that something you admit to your buddies? Isn’t being paid for a little sucky sucky, slightly less, I don’t know, gay?

At the hospital, Edie is hanging with Mike, as he asks her if she thinks he ever loved Susan. What do you think Edie says? ERRRRR. Nope! You hated the bitch! Next! Oh Edie your duplicity never ceases to amaze me.

Another solid ep, I’d say. Sure, Sunday night television is starting to mean one thing and one thing only to me (ONE MORE DAY ‘TIL HEROES), but the show is certainly still on track. What do you say?