When I got the e-mail from B-Side telling me that I’d be writing the recap for Desperate Housewives, I was totally stoked, of course, but the downside hit me faster than a Botox injection into Marcia Cross’ forehead. The downside was, of course, that I’d have to watch Desperate Housewives. Don’t get me wrong — great show. At least, it was. Last year. For the first six episodes. But who am I to complain? TVgasm rules and so must be the way for the struggling blog writer. This week’s episode of Desperate Housewives has pretty much everything you’d expect from our Wisteria Lane ladies. Well, if what you expect is a bee attack, chopped off fingers, Teri Hatcher’s body armor, and the emergence of Ms. Van De Camp’s alter ego KimberBree, then, yes indeed, it has everything you’ve come to expect. Mary Alice kicks off the hour while poor Susan is rummaging through the rubble of what used to be her home. From the ash, Susan pulls out a picture of her and her friends, miraculously undamaged, and thinks about all the bad times she’s had and how her friends have helped her. Bree made her cookies when her grandmother died; Lynette poured her some gin when her divorce was final; Gaby got her a cock-for-hire when her book was panned, etc. And Mary Alice? Mary Alice, apparently, never did anything to help Susan when she was down and out, probably because she blew her brains out over having such a needy annoying friend.
Regardless, the brain trust on Wisteria Lane thinks it is a super swell idea for Julie (remember Julie?) and Susan to stay with Bree. You know, Bree has all that extra room now that she dropped her son, Gaydrew, off in the middle of nowhere like that mother did to Haley Joel Osment in A.I.. I don’t know about any of you, but I’ll take sociopath Gaydrew over the creepy, beady-eyed little kid from The Sixth Sense anyday. CHILLS. Susan tries to argue with Bree, mostly because it might be awkward since NONE OF THESE WOMEN HAVE SPOKEN FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES IN A YEAR — but Bree says she just has to move some of Andrew’s anal beads and collection of Ace & Gary statuettes, and it’ll feel like home in no time! Oh, in the random moment of the day, Kyle MacLachlan is seen moving a box. That’s it. The guy from Showgirls moved a box. Soon after the bedding arrangements are made, Susan is informed that GASP! She won’t be getting any money from the insurance because the fire has been ruled arson! This is followed by the three funniest lines ever said by Skele-Hatcher in Desperate Housewives history:
“Who’d want to burn down my house?”
“I’m very popular.”
“Everybody likes me!”
After I succumb to the same laughter that I’m assuming befell Ryan Seacrest, George Clooney, He-Man, and the entire cast and crew of Desperate Housewives, Susan realizes that Edie is glaring at her — well, glaring might be an overstatement, because Nicolette Sheridan can no longer open her eyes wide enough to glare without three surgeries and the donated skin of a newborn. Everything starts to click for little Susie Q — as usual about 20 minutes too late.
Oddly, we then follow a cool CGI yellowjacket around Wisteria Lane! Umm, can this show really afford these fancy special effects? What with ratings falling and Eva Longoria’s bikini wax bill and the amount of money it must cost to get someone to shave Nicolette Sheridan’s balls? Not smart, Marc Cherry! Regardless, the little bee ends up over in Felicia Tillman’s yard, where she ends up swatting it down. ZOINKS! From this point forward Felicia Tillman will forever be known as Wile E. because of the wacky hijinks that she and Paul Young go through. I’m just glad she didn’t drop an Acme anvil on the yellow jacket’s head. Wile E. sneaks into the Young house and grabs a set of keys, and when Paul Young returns he kicks Wile E out and tells Zack to throw out all the food in the cupboard. He doesn’t actually notice that Wile E didn’t touch the food and only stole the keys to his house. Then again, Paul was never one to notice details, if he had I guess Mary Alice’s brains wouldn’t still be staining the cabinets.
Susan’s next order of business is to put on an oversized t-shirt (or as some of us call them, a small), and confront Edie about the arson. When she does, Edie gladly admits it, citing the brilliant reason: “You’re a whore.” Ugh, someone get me over to Paris Hilton’s with a can of gasoline.
I like a scene that starts with someone telling Gaby that she smells. Mostly, because we all know that the only thing she smells like is a high-end prostitute, which is not necessarily a bad thing. ChowMein is the one complaining about Gaby’s odor, prompting Carlos to ask her if her boobs are tender. When she says yes, Carlos picks her up and bangs her on the breakfast table. Oh wait, that’s just happening in his rapidly growing spank bank. Sorry. ChowMein is indeed pregnant (“Looks like the insemination was successful!” — you know the guy who played the Solis’ doctor just hates himself), meaning that Bree is going to have to step up her game in the next nine months if she still wants to keep that world’s worst mother crown she wrestled away from Lynette a few months ago.
Bree is currently doddering around the house, like a Stepford Wife on speed — informing Danielle that now that Susan and Julie will be staying with them they can live like a sorority house. Danielle wants to inform her mother that she’s not into girl-on-girl action, much like her brother, but instead hits her with the one thing worse than Jewish guilt: WASP guilt! She tells her mom that Andrew can take care of himself — he used to at least four times a day — and in the same breath informs Bree that she missed Danielle’s birthday. After Bree’s head spins 360 degrees on her neck, she tells Danielle that she’s going to throw her a Super Sweet 17! To which Danielle says great, but what she really wants is to have Andrew’s room. After Bree changes the sheets of course.
It’s been about 20 minutes since someone was completely emasculated on this show, so I’m very pleased when Matt from Melrose Place shows up just in time to get his balls cut off. Matt/Tom is packing for a weekend away with the guys in Atlantic City (hmm, I wonder if Andrew will be there), and the Felicinator is starting to ask some questions. Where are you going? Why are you going there? Why do you have a picture of an entirely different family in your wallet? Come on, LYNETTE! WAKE UP! THE TRAVEL! THE MYSTERY! THE SHRIvELED SACK WHEN HE COMES BACK FROM A TRIP! You’re not the only Mrs. Tom Scavo! But I can guarantee you this — you’re the only one with an Oscar nomination. Finally, in an unprecedented move for the Felicinator, she is honest with Tom/Matt and tells him everything she learned from Ed last week about the charges to his corporate credit cards. Tom makes up some excuse about being wooed for a new job and buying hookers and coke for his potential new boss, and Felicinator seems to buy it. Or does she!?!?
Meanwhile, back at the MUPPY residence, ChowMein is too tired to vacuum, so she makes Carlos do it, much to Gaby’s chagrin. She did not import a tiny Asian slave so her husband could do the housework for her! To make matters even worse, ChowMein got rid of all Gaby’s product because the smell of it made her so nauseous. Gabrielle FREAKS out because without all that stuff she is actually Bea Arthur.
Across the street Bree is telling Danielle about the plans for her Super Sweet 17! Fajita Bar + Juggler = Best. Party. Ever. Unfortunately, now that Danielle is gettin’ the pipe regularly from her chocolate teddy bear, she’s too cool for things like giant number balloon decorations, to which Bree channels Kimberly, her Melrose Place alter ego and starts stabbing the balloons to death with the scissors she borrowed from Serial Mom.
Unfortunately, we are next taken to the Applewhites, and I think I actually died from lack of interest. Betty still has Matthew, her son who isn’t retarded but still isn’t too smart for getting himself locked in the Applewhite Dungeon, detained for trying to get rid of his brother Caleb. My biggest problem with this plotline is that I don’t think Betty has much of a long term plan. And that is something I hate: Bad Planning. What is your next step, Betty? You have your 250 pound son, who I’m pretty sure could bench press you without breaking a sweat, locked in your dungeon, what do you do next? OK, sure, you yell at him for a little while, but then what? Do you think that every day that Alfre Woodard goes to the set she screams in her car, “I WAS NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD! I WAS NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD!”? ‘Cause she has to do something to get herself out of bed in the morning. She informs Matthew that he is better off locked up in Freddy Krueger’s Boiler Room, because she doesn’t know WHAT she would do to him if he wasn’t. Let me tell you what would happen: You’d try to do some horrible thing to your son, and he’d bitchslap you off him. Hmm — now that doesn’t sound so bad…
Just as my brain has stopped hemorrhaging from watching the Applewhites, we get a cute Mike and Susan scene. He’s going to help her tape on a wire so she can get Edie to admit to the arson of her home on tape! For this, we get to see Mike seductively pull Susan’s Baby Gap t-shirt up and tape the wire to her stomach. BE CAREFUL MIKE — DON’T WANT TO TAPE HER BELLYBUTTON RING! I didn’t know that Susan wasn’t a regular mom — she’s a cool mom! Do you think she hangs out with Regina George’s mom from Mean Girls? Mike also thought this would be the best time to ask Susan if she wanted to move in with him — which sounds like a really great idea to me.
Over at Melrose Place, Bree, who has once again morphed into her alter ego Kimberly, is hosting her daughter Danielle’s birthday, and absolutely freaking out over the icing on the cake she has made from scratch. You know what I like about this show, they don’t let us figure anything out on our own- FORGET SUBTELTY — they just smash you over the head with character and plot development. Thank you, Marc Cherry — you have made me a dumber television watcher. But Yippey! Julie is at the party — and although she has no chin — I love Julie. She’s so wise.
KimberBree brings out the cake until — OH NO! — one of the candles goes out mid-birthday song! What is any self-respecting Martha Clone to do? Well the answer certainly isn’t let it go and stop embarrassing your daughter. KimberBree pitches a minor fit and runs back into the kitchen to relight the candles, leaving the cake exposed to the elements! Danielle’s aptly named friend Barbie, decides to stick her fingers in the cake and taste the icing, which is not only rude, but kind of gross. KimberBree comes out of the kitchen notices the imperfection and starts scanning the crowd for a possible culprit. She stops at the large and in charge friend of Danielle’s played by — drum roll — NANETTE BABCOCK from Season 1 of Nip/Tuck (remember when that show didn’t suck so hard that it actually started to blow?). Remember Nanette? She was the poor overweight girl who wanted to get Liposuction from McNamara/Troy before her 10 year reunion, but that slutty psychiatrist didn’t approve it, and she ended up killing herself? Best. Episode. Ever.
KimberBree makes the obvious accusation until Barbie owns up to the crime and is so scared by KimberBree’s reaction that she knocks into the table dropping the cake all over the floor. Danielle runs out of the room, and KimberBree takes a moment, collects herself and starts to clean up. Isn’t this the point where a recovering alcoholic (or in this case an in denial alcoholic) would go for a drink? Just wondering.
But poor Gaby! After a hard day of shopping and drowning 101 puppies to make a fur coat, all the girl wants to do is go to sleep in her own bed. And she can’t because ChowMein is sleeping in it! She informs Carlos that this has gone too far, as they are sleeping in ChowMein’s twin size bed in the guest room. Carlos then informs Gaby that ChowMein comes first. This was not the first mistake that Carlos has made (that would be the child molester goatee), but it may be the most serious. TO THE COUCH WITH YOU!
After the debacle at her Super Sweet 17, Danielle looks for Matthew and finds him hanging out on Elm Street with Freddie Krueger. Matthew informs Danielle that Betty had LOST it this time (just this time — not the time she locked her other son down there — or the time she almost killed him with ice cream?), and together they hatch a dastardly scheme to free Matthew and destroy Betty and ride a pony over a rainbow to a land of magical misbelieve!
Skele-Hatcher comes home to find Bree cleaning the cake off the floor, and Bree has a mini-breakdown and finally tells Skele-Hatcher that Andrew didn’t run away after all. This is why Bree occasionally turns into KimberBree and can’t sleep because every time she sleeps she dreams of seeing Andrew as she drove away from him in the middle of nowhere. Susan tells Bree that Andrew will be fine and explains how far you can get on giving blowjobs to lonely truckers on the highway, but Bree doesn’t seem relieved.
After a brief conference with Mrs. McClusky, Lynette has decided to do the logical thing and follow Tom to Atlantic City to see what the what is. She is spying on him outside a casino and calls him, shooting hole after hole in his precious cover story. Tom, isn’t very bright, so he doesn’t have the slightest idea that his wife is calling him from only a few feet away, even when simultaneous car alarms start sounding. Sigh. Later, Lynette kicks the stalking up a notch and follows Tom to his OTHER WIFE’S HOUSE and sees them go upstairs for what can only be considered the best guilt sex ever. But the joke is on Tom because when he gets home his house is empty and when he asks Mrs. McClusky what the deal is, she vaguely threatens him with a pair of garden shears. She also tells him that Lynette has taken the kids and left his sorry ass. It should also be noted that while watching, I am sporting a raging hard-on because Mrs. McClusky is H-O-T. GILF!
Back on Wisteria Lane, Susan walks over to Edie’s house wired up and ready to go, really comfy like, because you know she’s used to being held together by tape — as a matter of fact, 95% of her body is currently held together by duct tape. Edie, continuing to binge these past few weeks, as Susan continues to purge, is eating some popcorn when she is confronted by Susan about the arson — AND WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT — you can’t understand what Edie is saying because of the popcorn in her mouth! AWW NUTS! Susan then leans forward to get Edie to speak right into her mosquito bite breasts — just like one of the hijinks those crazy Three’s Company kids used to get themselves into. An episode of Desperate Housewives just wouldn’t be the same without a solid Three’s Company déjà vu moment. Edie realizes what Susan is doing, and after Susan flees, Edie turns into Voltron and chases after her. They have a cute little girl fight — theoretically hot — but picture your mom and your aunt rolling around on the floor fighting and you lose that stiffy real quick. Even faster watching these two.
Alas, the fight ends early because Edie is attacked by those pesky yellow jackets we saw earlier! The only thing that could’ve saved this moment would have been if Susan started screaming out: “WHERE ARE HER GLASSES! SHE CAN’T SEE WITHOUT HER GLASSES!” — all My Girl-ish. Alas, that wasn’t the case. To show that she’s a good person, Susan goes to Edie in the hospital and tells her that she doesn’t want her to go to jail. So all Edie has to do is lie under oath to a police officer, commit insurance fraud and say that she witnessed some vagrant burn Susan’s house down, and she’ll lose the tape. Edie, wearing the same costume Michael Chiklis wore as the Thing in the Fantastic Four movie, tells Susan that she’ll never help her and gives one of those great soap opera villainess speeches about Susan being pathetic and how she will rue the day and as god as her witness blah blah blah. Let’s just say things didn’t go QUITE as planned for Susan on that one. Which leads me to the big question of the episode: Why does Susan drive a station wagon? Seriously, she only has one kid. It doesn’t make any sense.
Gaby wants to one up Susan in the psycho department, so she decides to put the life of her unborn child in danger by spraying the whole upstairs bedroom and bathroom with her toxic perfumes to get ChowMein out of there. Well played, Gaby. This of course does not sit well with Carlos at all, and he ends up on the couch. ChowMein finds him there and feeds him a roast beef sandwich that he’s not supposed to eat. That’s not the only thing he wants to eat that’s off limits. And although Carlos loves the taste of the beef in his mouth, his once depleting spank bank has just received a major deposit.
Back at the Kruegers, Betty is bringing Matthew breakfast because she’s furious, but not cruel. She brought the lucky Applewhite revolver to deliver the food because it would be impossible for Matthew to attack her and get that away from her 125 pound frame. Idiot. Well it looks like Matthew won’t have to because Danielle is waiting in the wings like Tonya Harding’s husband and smacks Betty upside the head with a crowbar, and they escape. Before they leave, Danielle drops a note off to her mother that reads something like: “Dear mom, You suck. Love, Danielle.” This causes KimberBree to lose it and send herself straight to a mental hospital. When the nurse admitting her asks what’s wrong, she says she’s about to have a nervous breakdown and just to prove the point rips her wig off to expose a giant scar across her scalp.
Remember Wil E.’s attempts to get back at Paul Young for killing the sister she never liked? Well, it seems she may have finally won this epic battle. After days of pumping her own blood into bags and storing it (over the top… maybe) she calls the police and uses the key she stole to get into Pauls’ garage and put blood everywhere. I mean everywhere. Like Carrie’s Prom everywhere. When the police show up a trail of blood leads them to — DUN DUN DUN — Paul’s car which has two of Wil E.’s fingers in it! GROSS! But don’t you worry! Wil E. isn’t dead — she just lopped off two of her fingers and escaped to a secluded cabin all Twins Peaks-like. ADVANTAGE: WIL E.!
The episode ends on a high note though — Mary Alice informs us all that we are alone and always will be. YAY!
Until Next week…