Dear Wisteria Lane, It’s YOU, Not Me

Sorry this is a little late – especially for you 8 readers out there who are checking this recap out. That’s right, Desperate Housewives, the 5th highest rated show got a piddly 8 comments last week. Sure, it could be my inconsistency writing these recaps, my countless grammatical and spelling errors or even my penchant for mildly racist humor (Miss you ChowMein!) that is keep you away from the comments area, but why blame myself when I can blame countless, anonymous readers? Was last week’s comment by Nate accurate? Does no one care about this show anymore? Granted, this latest episode was probably not the one to make you type with excitement in the comments over the Wisteria Lane Witches. As a matter of fact, this was a season low for the series, as far as I’m concerned. Well, as far as everyone was concerned as it dropped to 19.3 million viewers this week – it’s first time under 20 mill all season. So maybe it’s not me, and maybe it’s not you, maybe it’s them. Yes! Them! you know who you are, SkeleHatcher with your arms so thin and waist so small. Perhaps the writers are giving Eva LongWHOREia (KatieHoles words not mine – as a matter of fact I wrote Eva a lovely note in the recap below) haters a reason to cringe by giving her too much screen time? Or are we all just missing the Applewhites and the Youngs too much to have anything of substance to say? So let’s allow a Mary Alice Voiceover to pave the way to this week’s recap: “YYYYESSSS, things were a bit skimpy overattvgasm, but just then, UMNATA, reeeemmmmemmmbered… the bloggers who snark together… stay… to.get.her.”Bree starts the evening rummaging around a seedy motel. No don’t worry, she’s not cheating on Dr. Giggles, but rather she’s looking for her slutty sloth daughter who is currently having a season 1 Dawson’s Creek affair with her History teacher. Bree runs into Gus, my favorite stock character: The slimy motel day manager. He of the paisley shirt and slick comb over, Gus how you captured my heart from the moment you asked Bree if she had a gun, worrying about your new carpet.

Alas, Bree doesn’t have a gun on her (wouldn’t it solve so many problems, if she did?), she just wants to calmly and politely explain to her daughter and her teacher that this affair is unacceptable. As is the location of it. Come on Sloth, Mama Petrelli’s basement was nicer than this place! Bree enters the den of sin and we hear off camera some screeching from Danielle. Okay, yes it was funny that Bree used a tissue to open the door of sin to her daughter’s love nest. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m completely ignoring Mary Alice at this point.

Now it’s time for Dysfunctional Family Dinner at the Hodge-Podge house! Yippey! Bree thought that the way to mend her daughter’s broken heart was through cooking some lamb. Yes, Bree, you are so in touch with the teenagers. You interrupted a lurid, sexual tryst between your daughter and her history teacher, so cooking her some tender lamb, with just a pinch of rosemary is the way right back into her heart. The dysfunctional barbs fly starting with Andrew saying that Sloth doesn’t like Lamb, she prefers, old goat. Hardeeharhar. Ehh, it’s clever in theory, but I just felt like there was a better barn animal joke in there somewhere. Granted, I don’t know what that joke is, but that’s why I don’t write for the 5th highest rated show on television, I just write a blog mocking it. Orson (still my favorite homicidal dentist, like, ever), chimes in telling Danielle, that her paramour being nearly divorced doesn’t exactly make him the most suitable mate. Danielle retorts by throwing a plate of food at the wall, forcing Bree to do the unthinkable: Consider buying paper plates.

Across the street, after a day of hard work, Lynette is home to discover that her husband has discovered, at long last, his dream. He has decided that this dream of his is to open up a Pizzeria. Say Whaaaaat? I was hoping that he’d say it in an affected stereotypically Italian accent, to really make sure the idea comes off even morestupid, but he doesn’t. First of all, isn’t a dream something that you’ve always, you know, dreamt about? Not something that you, oh I don’t know, MAKE UP OUT OF THIN AIR!?!? Second of all, I hate Tom. That’s it, nothing more to that. Lynette is trying to hide her shock, awe, and I think, disgust, by swallowing this hard piece of nonsense.

Speaking of nonsense: Damn you Jack Tripper, Janet Wood and Christmas Snow, for making the world of misunderstandings so bountiful to television writers! Damn you to hell! In the world of Carlos and Gabby’s “messy” divorce (No internet porn? No stolen cash? No accusations of sexual deviancy? Talk to Kathy Griffin and Sara Evans about “messy” divorces, Mr. & Mrs. Solis), Gabrielle gets home to find Carlos getting the mood ready. The mood, you say? But Carlos, aren’t you and Gabrielle O-to-tha-VER? That’s certainly what Gabrielle explains to Carlos, as she follows his misguided passion play all the way to the bathroom, where Carlos has stashed the ho he’s trying to bang. Oh wait, Gabby, did you think… did you think the candles and the music and the romance was for you!?!?! ZOINKS!

Since we’re on the subject of hijinks, I suggest anyone with an aversion to Susan Mayer season 2 physical comedy “adorableness” skip to the next paragraph. I almost feel like the writers should just throw in the towel with the cutesy Susan is a spazz stuff. Sure, integrate it here and there, but when it becomes the center of a scene, it is just so painful. Okay, you win! We all loved it when Susan fell naked in the bush! But that was season 1, which is a distant memory. Like Paris Hilton’s virginity distant. Like Mel Gibson’s sanity distant. Like Foley’s innocence distant. You get the picture, right? Unfortunately, for all of us, Susan tries to jog Mike’s memory of their dating, by performing “their song” Car Wash, complete with off-key singing and spastic Elaine-Benis-only-not-funny dancing. It’s truly a horror to behold, which it’s supposed to be to Mike. I think we’re supposed to find it charming. Live beheadings have more charm than this abortion of a scene. And it’s really too bad, because as of last week I was fully back on the Susan bandwagon. And then this…

Lest we forget, there is also the whole ordeal about this dead girl that Ernie Shaft Hudson is investigating. The chick who we thought was going to turn out to be Orson’s wife. It seems that the people doing the autopsy on the body were on some serious drugs when they were checking out the corpse for clues; they totally missed the numbers she had written on her hand. Wow, that’s some pretty solid police work. Next case: Finding out if the light in the refrigerator really shuts off when you close the door. Right now, the hunt is on to figure out what those numbers could possibly mean. Perhaps it has something to do with the Pearl Station? No? The Swan? No? Please? Later on the numbers turn out to be a phone number. In fact it’s… wait for it… wait for it… Mike Delfino’s phone number! Alright, that’s a pretty good twist…

The Hodge-Podges are having dessert, so Andrew is sent to fetch his sister. Good luck, getting her, Andrew. If you’re not serving Baby Ruths or Rocky Road, Sloth ain’t interested! What she is interested in as an overdramatic suicide attempt. With a broken jar on the floor (what was in there, Smurf dust?) a razor blade and an open bottle of pills, somehow Danielle ended up with what looked like a paper cut on her wrist. I think my favorite moment of the night, belonged to Andrew, when he saw her predicament and off-handedly said” Yeah, I’ll tell them.”

Andrew tries to tell her mother what’s happened, but Bree hates to be interrupted while speaking, almost as much as she hates Democrats. After her story, Andrew tells her that Sloth has tried to kill herself , which they don’t take seriously at first. Sadly, when they go upstairs, they don’t finish the job.

At the hospital, Bree is besides herself, and Dr. Giggles is clearly shaken. You know who isn’t shaken: Andrew. As he quips endlessly about the far death experience his sister just had, he elicits the psycho out of Orson, as he finally snaps at Andrew about the dangers of suicide and how it is NOT something to be joked about! After this episode, Bree thinks that instead of Sloth going through therapy alone, that maybe they would all benefit from some group therapy. Nah, I think you guys are totally fine. Not every family can boast 3 out of 4 murderers. Well done!

At Lynette’s there is a new member of the inner-circle: My girlfriend, Mrs. McClusky. That’s right; the brain trust over on Wisteria Lane has allowed her passage into the inner sanctum of their stupidity to the hottest 80 year old on the block.

MMM COME TO DADDY!!!

Joined by Gabby and Susan, Lynette is explaining to her girlfriends how stupid her husband’s idea of opening up a pizzeria is. Lynette doesn’t know what to do, because on the one hand she isn’t confident that Tom’s idea can succeed, but on the other , she doesn’t want him to resent her for being a ball buster. Oh, Lynette! You needn’t worry about that, your husband doesn’t have any balls.

Interrupting this meeting of the minds is The Babe! That’s right; she’s back and looking totally Babetacular! Hey Babe! She’s been eavesdropping on the convo between the ladies and wants to put in her two cents in. The Babe forces her harsh opinion down Lynette’s skinny throat, telling her that the idea sucks. This is all of their lives that Tom is Luigi-ing around with, and Lynette must put a stop to it. Lynette and The Babe, united? Something tells me by the crazy look in The Babe’s eyes that all isn’t what it seems.

At this point, you might be asking yourself, what plotline takes the place of the completely inane, uninteresting Applewhite arc from last year? You’d think it’d be the new mystery, but since that is mildly interesting, it can’t be. There are no other people chained up in basements , so you have to go with year-to-date low interest levels. Hands down, the winner has got to be this good girl Julie/bad boy Austin love connection. I mean, I love (loved?) Julie, but who gives a crap. And this Austin kid is way way too pretty to be the bad boy he claims to be.

Anyway, Austin needs help with his homework, Julie’s a tutor and her friend, is Ann from Arrested Development, who thinks Austin is super hot. Except, here as opposed to that great, great show, Ann is meant to be some kind of hot rocker babe. I think she may in fact be Pat Benatar. Julie agrees to help Austin, because she’s totally not into him, but instead needs the money. And by money, she means cock.

Susan is at the hospital trying to visit Mike, but unfortunately the old nurse who knows Susan from the past six months of bedside attentiveness is on vacation, and a new mean nurse is there instead. As Susan sees Edie heading into a visit with Mike, she finally puts 2 + 2 together and it equals something other than 29382938208323. Susan now realizes that Edie has been poisoning Mike’s mind against her since Mike woke up. The mean nurse takes Edie’s side in the argument, and kicks Susan out of the hospital for being a disturbance. On the plus side, when the big mountainous security guards drag SkeleHatcher from the Coma Ward clutching the Mac & Cheese she made for Mike and screaming “Who am I disturbing? This is a coma ward, don’t you want them to wake up!” she doesn’t have a zany pratfall. So we got that going for us…

Its family therapy time for the Hodge-podges. This turns ugly rather quickly, as Bree expresses her feelings about Danielle’s suicide attempt, saying how helpless she felt seeing Danielle, laid out with her wrist cut with a spoon. It was the worst moment of her life. Wow, imagine having to pick between your daughter’s suicide attempts or leaving your son on the side of the street and causing him to become a male hooker. Andrew, somehow isn’t insulted that his mom totally Sophie’s Choiced him, giving the advantage to Daniele. Danielle sees this as an opportunity to not only be physically ogre-ish but to also be metaphorically ogre-ish. She realizes that when her mother claims that this was the worst moment of her life, this gave her all the power. Danielle announces, very Bree-like, as a matter of fact, that if anyone stands in her way of her dating her cliché, I mean, History teacher, she’ll runaway and never come back! Please, oh God, please, someone stand in her way!

Hey wanna know how I know that Austin is a bad boy? He drinks beer! In Julie’s room! Out of a can! While doing homework! Man, I bet he has a tattoo also! If I’m not falling for it, that doesn’t mean Julie isn’t. After Austin lays on some sad sack story about a slutty mom and the string of crappy boyfriends that she had, Julie feels bad for him and tells him to lie down because “he looks tired” (tired from what? Bad Boy convention?) while she does his paper.

Wait a second; is this a bad boy, who isn’t really bad at all? Man, they just keep throwing curveballs at us. Next thing you know we’re going to meet a hooker with a heart of gold, or perhaps an emotionally distant father who reconnects with his son. As for Julie, Remember when she was the beacon of clarity and stability in the Mayer household? Kiss that bitch goodbye. Suddenly, her mother’s dance interpretation of the Car Wash is downright sensible. Later on, Julie goes outside to inspect some kind of noise (what is she the Wisteria Lane hall monitor?) and finds Austin slumming it with her friend Ann. I mean, seriously Austin, Ann? She was even dowdy for George Michael. Sure, I don’t really get the appeal of Austin, even from a guy’s point of view. Doesn’t he have like, Disney Movie Character features? Kind of like Beast when he turned into a human? But hey, if I can rub one out to Ariel and Princess Jasmine who am I to judge if you ladies? Don’t worry everyone; Julie totally doesn’t care about Austin hooking up with her friend. Yeah, about as much as I don’t care that the Cards are in the World Series instead of the Mets (read: Julie and I bother care. A lot).

“WE’RE RUNNING WITH THE SHADOWS OF THE NIGHT”

At the Solis’ house (getting very little screen time tonight, which is surprisingly noticeable); Gabrielle is getting ready for a date. I’m sensing something in retribution, accented by a little “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Gabrielle claims that the only reason to introduce your spouse to someone you are about to have sex with, like Carlos did last night, is if you really really hate them. Carlos doesn’t agree, but enter Phil Lopez! Phil Lopez is Gabby’s date for the night, and, wouldn’t you know it, Carlos’ mortal enemy!

Lynette just can’t help herself, as she gently suggests to Tom that perhaps he should start a catering company and then work up to opening up a pizzeria. Tom’s only response to this is to repeatedly claim that a catering company isn’t his dream, a pizza place is. He then holds his breath until he turns blue and is sent to bed without supper. Are you kidding me with this? 24 hours ago your dream wasn’t opening a pizzeria either. Lynette points out the very real fact that 90% of all restaurants fail their first year. Tom retorts with some quick math, suggesting that he could be one of the 10 % that does make it. Why doesn’t Lynette ever think of that? Lynette doesn’t get a chance to respond, but I assume her answer would have gone something like this: “Because you suck, Tom.”

So on the list with the Austin bad boy routine, the other thing that we never need to see on this show, or any other show, for that matter, would be the whole fake sex joke. Like for example if say, Gabby and Phil just got out of the hot tub, and Gabby wanted to make Carlos think they were having sex, she’d probably bring Phil upstairs, move the bed and start making all sorts of sex noises and screaming out dirty talk. But they wouldn’t do that because it’s not funny and it wouldn’t work. Oh wait…

“I’ll have what she’s having.”

This complete disaster, both literally and figuratively, ends with Phil Lopez ‘s blue balls exploding as he goes downstairs to leave, but runs into Carlos, who figures out Gabby’s ruse. When Carlos confronts Gabby about going so far out of her way to try to make him jealous he deduces that she must still love him. Gabby claims she doesn’t and asks him what she has to do to hurt him so badly, that he gives up hope. Carlos claims there is nothing she can do, which makes Gabby come around. They’ll discuss this more in the morning.

In the morning, Carlos brings Gabby her breakfast in bed, but gasp, she is in bed with another man! It seems she got her second wind last night a brought home a gentleman caller. As Carlos’ heartbreaks, the only relevant Gabby comes out, Latina Spitfire Gabby, as she asks Carlos if she has hurt him enough yet, or should she keep trying?

This whole nastiness made me want to just send a little note to Eva Longoria:

Dear Eva Longoria:

You’re very pretty. And unlike some of the readers of this blog, I don’t hate you or curse the ground you walk on. I don’t even think you are the worst actress in the world, and on more than one occasion, it is your scenes and your scenes alone, that upgrade an episode of Desperate Housewives from elephant shit to somewhat more tolerable horse shit. That being said, there is nothing you can offer the world in the way of “hilariously” faked copulation that wasn’t already patented by Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally…” which, to be honest, was only funny itself once. In 1989. Please put away the physical comedy. Thank you.

-Umnata

Now that that is settled, we check-in with Mike, who is being wheeled around the hospital by Edie. Now, I don’t mean to get all Rush Limbaugh on this or anything, but I didn’t know that James Denton was so committed an actor, that he would go on a hunger strike to look as if he had actually come out of a coma. I mean, doesn’t Mike look like an AIDS patient in some of these scenes? Sure, a coma patient would look haggard and lose weight, and boy will my face be red if I find out that James Denton had Parkinsons, I mean, a parasite over the hiatus, but man, the guy looks like crap.

Headin’ to the Streets of Philadelphia, Mike?

Anyway, Susan uses her keen intellect and a nifty diguise (Hat. Sunglasses) to dupe Edie and literally kidnap Mike and bring him on a tour of Wisteria Lane hotspots to jog his memory. As Susan wheels him around the streets, he has no recollection of anything, not even the aforementioned “naked in a bush” incident. It’s not until Susan stubs her toe that Mike remembers something: You’re a total spazz aren’t you!?!? So Mike remembers that Susan’s kind of an ass, big whoop! Well it is a big whoop for Susan, who sees this as step one in a multi-step process of Mike’s Heart domination! Unfortunately for Susan, the mean nurse and Edie find them before she is able to jog anything else on Mike (if you know what I mean, wink wink). Finally Susan and Edie have it out, as Susan tells Edie that this isn’t how it goes! Evil (Edie) doesn’t triumph over good (Susan). Hmm… maybe not, but it seems that slutty (Edie) will triumph over (spazzy), in this case at least. Susan claims that Edie is only doing this to get back at her, which seems painfully self-centered to me. Edie also rebukes it. She’s wanted Mike since day one, and she even stepped out of the way for Susan before, but not anymore! I like Edie and Susan as enemies, but I like Edie even more when she is a raging slut. Her whole, I like men, I like sex, was very Samantha from Sex in the City, and since Desperate Housewives makes me want to pull out my own pubic hairs as much as that show did, I think it’s a wildly appropriate comparison.

Mike’s tour certainly won’t be stopping by Bree’s however, as she has decided to go to Danielle’s History Teacher/Lover’s apartment, to drop off some of Danielle’s things. Bree is kicking out another kid. But this time the only thing blowjobs will pay for is rent. Poor Andrew. Needless to say, this freaks out the teacher, having only recently seen Danielle close up under direct sunlight. He says that he’s going to end things with Danielle, much to the pleasure of Bree.

Austin received a D – on the paper that Julie wrote for him and he is pisst off. He’s also pisst because he hooked up with an ugly chick and his stock is severely plummeting. Julie, who doesn’t care AT ALL that Austin hooked up with her friend – we know it’s true cause she keeps saying it! – decided to rewrite his paper after she figured out that he duped her with his sad sad story of bad boy-itis. I’m not sure, but I think these two might end up together. And again, I’ll say that two weeks ago, Julie was my favorite character on this show, but with the added screen time, can I get a big “who knew?” as far as how bad an actress she is? Yowser.

In Sloth news, Danielle is back with the Hodge-Podges. After getting dumped by her teacher, she did the only thing she could – turn him into the cops, the school board and his wife. Bree has never been more proud.

The night ends with The Babe and Tom having a little chat about his Pizzeria idea. IN direct contrast to what she told Lynette, The Babe tells Tom that she thinks it’s a great idea and that he should totally pursue his dream. The Babe is back! Sure, this show has gone for the obvious, yet again, making The Babe totally out for Tom. Sure, I saw it coming; I guess I was just hoping they wouldn’t do it. I think she was already enough of a foil for Lynette and with enough reason, without making her a home wrecker to boot. Now the question remains, is The Babe really crazy? Or is she just ratcheting it up a few notches to drive Lynette nuts? Either way – she’s a genius!

BABEplicitous!

So what do you think was I just in a terribly bad mood writing this recap or was this episode truly that bad? I mean, watching it again was like torture. Or maybe I’m just disappointed because the season started off so strongly. Tell me what you think!