All righty. So, you’ve made past the extremely lackluster part one of the season finale. I applaud you, my friend. Now, brace yourself for something that’s (mostly) a little better. The main, sucky “mystery” has been “solved,” so this episode sort of functions as a stand-alone ep — there are a few carry overs from the rest of the season, and this episode makes a big attempt to get back on the tracks after derailing the show for about 90% of the season (probably because Bob Daily, the writer, has been with the show since season 3, which was all kinds of awesomesauce). Let’s get to it!
For a change, Mary Alice doesn’t begin this episode with a voice over. Instead, it’s Betty Applewhite! Except not at all. Boo. I am 99.999% sure that she is never going to return, but I hope at the VERY least that they interview her for a Desperate Housewives retrospective when the show ends. Betty Applewhite and I both deserve that, Cherry! Mary Alice says there was a dinner party one evening on Wisteria Lane. “Everyone would agree it was a night to remember.” There was wine, salad, chicken, and general merriment.
“Hahaha, oh Lee! Always with your foot in my crotch!”
But Mary Alice says there was one thing that was particularly memorable.
She *may* be talking about the jello mold, but she’s probably talking about the blood on the carpet.
There are some quick flashes of blood on the carpet, people scrubbing blood on the carpet, someone washing blood of her hands, and a couple people putting a rug over a bloody carpet stain. No credits this time! Which means no funny credits photo from yours truly. You’ll live.
Two days earlier. Susan’s back on Wisteria Lane! Yay! Susan missed many things, but what she missed most is her friends. She totally has a friend boner and wants to go out and friend herself all over the freaking neighborhood, but Mike says there’s still a lot of packing to do. Boo, sexy Mike! Boo! But Mike gives in and tells Susan to go play with her friends. Yay!
Bree and Chuck — who has much nicer arms than I imagined — are back from a hot, sweaty run. Bree says she needs to shower and Chuck’s like, Yeah me too and also, we can have sex in the shower! Bree’s totes excited for this . . . But Susan picks the exact pre-doin’ it moment to show up and be all, Hey, I’m back let’s have coffee! Bree slams the door in her face because sweaty detective sex always trumps Susan Delfino. Always. Bree’s almost up the stairs when Chuck’s like, It’s a sign from God that Susan showed up and effectively crushed my penis with her cheerfulness. Chuck says that he’s so close to getting out of his marriage. He and Doreen (his wife) meet with lawyers tomorrow and if she’s in a good mood, things will go smoothly. Seems that she owns a boutique and if business is good, so is she. If not, then Bree and Chuck will have to wait even longer before they can sex it up.
Oh, this episode is pretty good so far! I sure hope nothing can ruin it — oh for the love of god, here come Lynette and Tom to figuratively take a steaming dump all over the fun. Seems as if they’re back from their little vacay. Lynette’s like, “Let’s just order pizza” as Tom sets his bag against the bedroom wall without unpacking it. Tom says that the company has an apartment close to his office and maybe he should stay there. Lynette’s like, If you leave you will never come back! Intense. And then Susan picks this moment to knock on the door and announce that she’s back. To Lynette’s credit, she acts really excited to see Susan and says that she’s in the middle of something and will call her back. And then slams the door in Susan’s face. Poor Susan! All she wants is attention!
Lynette goes back to Tom and asks if he’s done trying to work it out. She says they have to keep fighting (oh, god) . . . to save their family. Oh, okay. Tom’s like, Just leave the suitcase where it is. You guys, I haven’t been this excited for a couple to break up since Jon Hamm dumped his girlfriend for me.
It WILL happen, people. IT. WILL.
Over at Gabby’s house, she’s looking out her window, trying to see if she can spot Mystery Man. Oh, wait, I guess we know who it is now: Her stepfather, Alejandro. Ale-Alejandro. Ale-Alejandro. Don’t call my name, don’t call my na– you get the idea. And if you don’t, kudos to you for avoiding the freaking cyclone of in-your-face-shoved-down-your-throat-over-hype that is Lady Gaga.
You’re weird. We get it.
So, Alejandro is sitting in his car, right outside Gabby’s house, not even remotely trying to hide, like, at all, so Gabby grabs her gun and puts in her purse. If it were me, I’d just shoot his back windows out. I mean, come on, it’s Wisteria Lane. Even if people heard it, they’d be all, “Oh, huh, a gunshot. Can you hand me that Entertainment Weekly? Oh my god, can you believe that Danielle Staub whore? What a friggin’ mess.” Susan comes to the door and is all, I’m back, give me some wine, girlfriend! But Gabby’s all, Gotta go, raincheck! Poor Susan.
I don’t really have a caption, I just think Teri Hatcher gives awesome hilarious face.
Seriously. Hatcher brings the funny. Back in the house, Gabby’s still looking out the window. But Alejandro is gone!
Susan’s back at her house, where she gets on her huffy bike and pouts away, because her friends are too busy to play with her. Sad!
But later, the girls (plus . . . what’s this? Renee?! Whaaaa?! They’re letting Vanessa Williams be in an actual episode this time?!) go over to Susan’s house, where she slams the door right back in their faces. Atta girl. They all apologize to her, except for Renee, who “was home all day. My bell never rang.” Hee. Later, Susan’s reenacting the whole fight with Felicia, in the hilarious way only Susan can, when she’s interrupted by Renee’s phone. She says it’s her ex-husband Doug — she thinks that his girlfriend left him and he wants her back. Although since she hasn’t answered his calls, she can’t really confirm that. Sure hope that doesn’t come back to bite her in the ass. Bree tells Susan that they’re having a dinner party in Mike and Susan’s honor. It’s a progressive dinner!
Not be confused with the Progresso dinner I eat. Alone. By myself. Every night. By myself. Alone.
Aw, canned soup dinner! Sad! A progressive dinner is a dinner where one course is served at a person’s house. You would know that if you were high-class like me. So, appetizers at one person’s house, salad at another person’s, etc. It works better if everyone is neighbors. Because otherwise, hopping on a four hour flight to O’Hare just so you can have a Waldorf salad at your friend Sarah’s house is kind of not worth the wait. Also, I’m sort of surprised that the writers haven’t used the plot of a progressive dinner before. It kind of seems like a season 3 or season 4 thing (Katherine would have OWNED a progressive dinner party), which is nice. Drinks/appetizers at Renee’s, salad at Lynette’s, main course at Bree’s, and dessert at Gabby’s. Susan is touched to be home with her friends . . . and Renee’s phone again spoils the moment.
As Renee and Bree are leaving Susan’s house, Bree asks Renee to go shopping with her . . . at that new boutique on Lake St. The one owned by Doreen. The Doreen who used to be married to Chuck. Renee says this is a bad idea, but Bree says they just need to pump a little cash into Doreen’s boutique so that Chuck can pump a little weenis into Bree. She even offers to buy Renee some clothes!
Which would be a bonus if the clothes didn’t look like they’ve been designed by Ke$ha’s 12 year-old mentally handicapped clone.
Bree tells Renee to smile and be complimentary toward Doreen. Doreen says she’s afraid the “clothes” (and I use the term loosely) are too edgy for Fairview, but Bree says she’s buying a whole bunch of shit, including an awesome skull purse. Doreen says that Bree really needs to try the clothes on before she buys. Renee concurs.
Bree models the latest from the Edina Monsoon Collection.
Bree makes the mistake of calling Doreen by her first name, and Doreen’s all, “How do you know my name?” And instead of just saying something like, “Oh, I did research on the internet!” (which is my go-to excuse), Bree’s all, I didn’t say your name! Doreen’s like, Ummm yeah, you did. Bree: “It was on your nametag . . . or would be, if you had one.” Hee. Then Renee practically yells, “THAT’S WHY YOU DON’T CHECK OUT THE WIFE!” Subtle, Renee. Keep that crap up and they’ll lock you back in your trailer for 3 episodes. Doreen picks up on this and pretty much calls Bree a whore (Doreen must have been watching Season 6 on Netflix on demand). Bree tells her that she and Chuck haven’t done the deed and that he’s a moral, upright citizen just like herself. Doreen apologizes and says that she misjudged Bree. Bree hopes that she and Chuck come to an agreement soon. Doreen says they just might. But when Renee and Bree leave, Doreen calls her lawyer and tells him to tear up the agreement she said she’d sign.
Gabby summons up the courage to get in her car, but she spies Alejandro’s car behind her. She drives off, with Alejandro following closely. She pulls over in a wooded area and gets out; Alejandro does the same. Gabby confronts him by saying, “I thought you were dead.” Alejandro says that he started that rumor himself and he’s back because she was in Las Colinas “stirring things up again.” He says that he’s created a life for himself, and he doesn’t need another witch hunt. Huh. Okay. Okay then, Alejandro. Seems to me that your best bet for not creating another “witch hunt” would have been to KEEP PRETENDING THAT YOU’RE DEAD. Geez! I mean, really? THIS is his excuse for showing up again? “I heard you were bringing attention to me so I decided to come out of hiding and expose myself just so I could tell you not to bring attention to me.” Oh, DH writers: Coming up with the ideas first and the details never. Gabby pulls out her gun and shoots at a tree to show Alejandro that she means business. He’s like, “I know we had our problems, but . . .” Wow, way to downplay your rape-ish-ness, a-hole. He asks Gabby what she wants and she tells him to get on his knees. Gabby means business, y’all! He says he’s sorry and Gabby kicks him, all, “For what?!” Then he says, “Raping you.” Tense music plays until Gabby tells him to get up and start walking. He gets into his car and she tells him to never come near her again and go back to being dead. Gotta say, Eva Longoria did good stuff in this scene. Atta girl.
Carlos comes back home and immediately starts complaining because that’s all he can do now. I hope there’s a sandstorm next season so he can get whacked in the head with a mailbox and become blind again. Blind Carlos rocked. This Carlos . . . not so much. Carlos doesn’t want to go to the progressive dinner! Carlos doesn’t like Bree! Carlos wah, Carlos waaaahhhhh! Carlos says he’ll never forgive Bree, plus he needs to get back to the office. Carlos finds Gabby’s gun and Gabby tells him about Alejandro. Carlos takes the news calmly and rationally. Oh, wait, he doesn’t, because he has his full eyesight. He’s all, You should have told me, I would have kicked the shit out of him! Gabby tells Carlos that she took care of it, scared him away, and he’ll never come back. Well, maybe. Possibly. But probably, he will.
Renee is getting ready for her cocktails/appetizers portion of the progressive dinner. She actually hired a bartender, which is kind of silly, if you ask me. The bartender finds a photo of Doug and can’t believe Renee was married to him because he’s an awesome sportsketball player! Renee tells him to shut up. Lee (boo) and Bob (Yay!) arrive and Bob’s all, Sorry to hear about your ex-husband getting re-married — it’s all over ESPN. Since I never watch ESPN, I’ll take Bob’s word that they have random wedding announcements about baseball players. Is there an ESPN version of Entertainment Tonight? Turns out Renee had no idea about this and figures out that that’s why Doug kept calling her. And what does Renee do with this news?
Over at Lynette’s house, Penny’s watching her mom get ready for the dinner party. I’m such a sucker for scenes where little girls (or boys!) watch their moms get ready for a party. I just find it so adorable.
Penny tells her mom that she looks really pretty. When Lynette asks where Tom is, Penny says he left a couple hours ago. Lynette looks over at the wall — Tom’s suitcase is no longer there.
Back at Renee’s, things are in full swing. People are chatting, drinking, and avoiding the living room, where Renee is drunkenly singing “My Funny Valentine.” For the fourth time. Lee pulls her aside and tells her that she’ll find another man. Renee: “All the good ones are married or gay.” Lee: “Aren’t you sweet.” Renee: “I was talking about Bob.” Hahahaha! More drunk Renee, please! Chuck arrives and Bree says that everyone’s dying to meet him. Chuck’s not in a great mood, though, because he was on the phone with Doreen and she’s not ready to bargain. Chuck says that it seems like Doreen has something to lord over him and now is asking for more stuff, like the lake house.
It’s a mediocre movie at best, Chuck. Let it go.
Lynette finally shows up, without Tom. Is it just me or does Lynette wear a lot of blue, especially when she dresses up? She says that Tom had some business stuff to do and couldn’t make it. Susan tells Lynette that Penny was watching M.J. and Susan heard Penny saying that Tom and Lynette are splitting up, but she told Penny not to worry, because nothing would ever happen to the two of them. Oh, Susan. Poor, misguided, shovin’ her nose where it don’t belong Susan. Lynette looks really awkward and tells Susan that Tom left her.
Susan and Lynette are walking back to Lynette’s house. Susan tells her that her friends will be there for her. But when they get in the house, Tom’s back, making salad. He says he put the suitcase back in the closet. Noooooooooooo!!!! Stay away, Tom! Dammit, Cherry, you bastard!
Everyone’s over at Lynette’s for salad, where McCluskey tells Susan that she’s glad she’s back. Bob tells Lynette that Renee probably won’t be there since she just found out Doug is getting remarried. And just then, Renee shows up to the party with her new boyfriend . . . the bartender! He’s also a model. A watch model. A local watch model. They make out in front of everyone.
Bree finds Chuck outside, telling his lawyer to give Doreen the lake house, because he’s done. Game over, man, game over! Bree tells him he didn’t have to do that just so they could bone the night away. Chuck says he did it because he wants to have new memories with her. And he wants those memories to start right now. And he wants those memories to be memories of him being naked and lying on top of Bree. But what about the progressive dinner?! Screw it. Bree says they should skip the salad and just start right now. They run back to Bree’s house, passing Alejandro on the way. Uh-oh!
Back at Lynette’s house, drunk and fun Renee’s talking about her boyfriend. “It’s a really funny story how we met!” Hee! Lee again pulls Renee aside to ask her what she’s doing. Renee says that the bartender is the best thing that’s ever happened to her and they might get married! Except she doesn’t know his name. Hee.
Tom goes into the den (or something) and gets a drink for himself, offering one to Lynette, who says she definitely needs it. You and me both, sister. She wonders why he was gone for two hours. Tom says he was leaving, but he came back because he didn’t think it was right to leave Lynette at the party, making stuff up about why he wasn’t there. Lynette says that her biggest fear about marriage was Tom leaving her. She says she grew up in a home where people left and didn’t want to go through that again. When she didn’t see his suitcase it was her worst fear — Tom had left. And then she thought about how Paige’s car seat was in Tom’s car and she’d have to get a new one. Lynette says it was a weird feeling — waiting to feel devastated . . . but instead she felt something she couldn’t really describe. Gassy? Was it gas? Were you gassy, Lynette? No? Continue. And when she walked in and Tom was back, she says she realized what she’d been feeling the whole time Tom was gone: Relief. Oooohhhh, damn. That’s gotta hurt, Tom. Felicity Huffman rocks this scene, you guys. She doesn’t overplay or underplay it, she doesn’t start bawling her head off, she just plays it . . . well, she just plays it the way you’d expect Lynette to react, which is great. You get the feeling that Felicity Huffman really knows Lynette. Tom wonders what they’re going to tell people and Lynette tells him that it’s Susan’s night so they shouldn’t say anything. Tom agrees that they should wait until they tell the kids. Lynette’s all, “Oh, god, the kids.”
This, my friends, is an actress.
Bree and Chuck are done doing it, and I think we can all agree that Chuck was definitely hiding some hot stuff under those detective clothes.
Not bad. You can have him — since Mike, Paul, and Carlos belong to me.
The afterglow is going well . . . except ohmigod the baby chicken! Bree left it in the oven! And the smoke alarm goes off! Meanwhile, people are leaving Lynette’s house (Renee and the bartender’s relationship is starting to hit the skids). What is Bree going to do! The baby chickens are ruined! And people are showing up! And Chuck’s shirt doesn’t have any buttons because Bree ripped it off! Bree and Chuck come out all disheveled, with Bree giving everyone a pathetic excuse that her oven broke or something.
Roy asks Chuck what happened to his shirt. Chuck explains that he took his shirt off to fan the flames and smoke and he shook it so hard that the buttons just flew off. Marcia Cross’s reactions to this are pretty funny, you guys. All the ladies brought their a-game tonight! Bree says they’ll go pick up some roast chicken. I just realized: Bree’s pretty much the slutty one now. How effed up is that?
Renee’s pouring herself some wine and the bartender’s like, “Another one?” Renee: “You knew we drank when we met!” Hahahaha! The bartender’s like, “What’s happened to us? We never used to fight.” Renee: “I think this has been over for a long time . . . It’s not you, it’s me. But it’s mostly you.” Hee! I know this plot has been done before, but I always enjoy it. And I’m glad Vanessa Williams FINALLY has more to do than just stopping by Lynette’s for 2 minutes’ worth of advice. Renee goes to Bree’s kitchen to tell Lynette that she and the bartender are over. Lynette: “You’ll always have the salad course.” Aw, even when she’s sad she brings the snark! Atta girl. Renee says that she was reacting to the news about Doug — she used to think he was just sick of marriage, but she realizes he was just sick of her. Lynette starts crying and tells her that she and Tom are separating. Renee’s all, “Not you guys!” But Lynette says it’s for the best. And holy shit, I AGREE! I’ve been agreeing for like 12 episodes! At least!
Everyone’s enjoying the main course as Susan gets up to make a speech. She talks about how that they always seem to be brought back together again. Maybe it’s just that this episode isn’t bogged down with the stupid Paul/Felicia crap (which could have been awesome), and maybe I’m just glad that Susan’s back where she belongs, and maybe I’m just glad that everyone is finally in the same damn room together, but I found Susan’s speech really touching. Gabby leaves to take care of the dessert.
Gabby’s at her house, pulling a tablecloth out of a trunk, when she’s surprised by someone else in her house –
GAH! APPLEWHITE! APPLEWHITE!!!!!
That’s it, folks! The very last Betty Applewhite joke of the season. Aw, that kind of makes me sad. But don’t worry — I’ve got a feeling she’ll be popping up again next season . . .
No, obviously, the person in Gabby’s house is Alejandro, who puts his hand under his jacket and is all, I found your gun. He left after the confrontation with Gabby, but he couldn’t stop thinking about the things Gabby said about him, making him sound like a monster. Also, what’s up with this dude’s accent? Is he going for Texan? Midwestern? Rapist? Did he think there’s a specific accent for rapists? (Probably.) Alejandro gets TOTES inappropes and is all, I don’t think you were a virgin — all those little skirts, “you were a slut.” Oh, hell no. As he’s shoving Gabby down, Carlos starts to walk up the porch steps. He sees what’s going on inside as Gabby tells Alejandro to get away. But he just keeps getting grosser and grosser about how much Gabby enjoyed it. But Carlos picks up a candlestick and whacks Alejandro on the head! Yay! Finally — Carlos beats the shit out of someone who actually deserves it.
“I don’t know . . . It feels kind of weird when they’re not gay.”
Carlos can’t find a pulse on Alejandro’s body. Possibly because Alejandro is dead. Gabby says it was self-defense because Alejandro had the gun. Except he didn’t have the gun because Carlos locked it in the safe. Alejandro was bluffing. First rape and now lying? What is it with this guy?! Carlos realizes that he just killed an unarmed man. At that moment, Susan, Lynette, and Bree show up and find out what happened. Bree tells Gabby that it will be okay, because people know what he did to her. But Gabby says that she never reported it (you did tell a nun, though. I mean, she’s a bitch, but you DID tell her) and he was unarmed and now Carlos will go to jail. Susan looks out the window and sees everyone headed over to Gabby’s for dessert.
“Hey guys, do you realize this is the first year that none of us have found a dead body buried in the woods or in someone’s yard?!” “You know what, Tom? You’re right! Let’s celebrate!” “Yay!!”
Carlos says he’ll go to prison if he has to. Bree: “That’s not gonna happen.”
No one covers up a murder and cleans up a crime scene like Bree Van de Kamp Hodge Van de Kamp.
Even though it’s not shown, it turns out that the bloody carpet and junk we saw earlier came from Alejandro (which, seriously, you totally knew that, right? If you did not, I want to live in your world. Your silly, innocent, child-like world.). Cut to the party, where everyone is STILL drinking. Sounds like my kind of party. Chuck tells Bree that he had a lot of fun and that he likes her friends. Bree sees some blood on the candlestick and wipes it off, saying it’s strawberry sauce.
Mary Alice, take it away! She says there are lots of things that bring us together. Although, on Wisteria Lane, there are only two things that bring people together: covering up crimes and booze. Lots and lots of booze. She says something about forgiveness, and it turns out that all Carlos needed to forgive Bree was to kill his wife’s stepfather and have Bree be involved and implicated in the cover up of his murder! It’s that easy, people! “But the thing that binds friends together the most,” Mary Alice continues, “is a secret that changes everything.”
Well, that’s it for this season, people. When it started out, I was of the mind that it was better than season 6. But turned out not to be the case. This season meandered along, not giving us anything in the way of big mysteries, and concurrently solving the small mysteries in an episode or two. It lacked the suspense that other seasons (okay, mostly the first 4) have had. Season 7 had some of my personally most-hated plots of any season so far: Susan’s cleaning whore stint, Susan’s kidney, Gabby’s mother-fucking doll (I use the f-word sparingly, but the doll plot TOTALLY deserves it), Keith (not your fault, Brian Austin Green, just not a great character), and the Tom and Lynette fights, oh my god, the Tom and Lynette fights. There were a couple great moments: The episode where Bree and Gabby sneak around like lovers, the last few minutes of this episode, and . . . well, there were probably more, but there were so many hiatuses that it’s hard to remember. I mean, doesn’t it feel like freaking 2 seasons ago that Tom’s mom lived with his family? And that was just the beginning of this season!
My predictions for next season: I’m thinking that this Alejandro mess will only last for the first few episodes OR it will be mentioned in the first couple, then be completely forgotten, and then pop back up toward the end of the season. Tom and Lynette will (eventually) get back together, which will be more certain if the next season is the last. If season 8 isn’t the last, they’ll at least be back together by the final season (9). Whatever the case, I’m sure we’ll eventually see a re-marriage/exchange of vows for Tom and Lynette.
My hopes for the next season: More Renee/Vanessa Williams. I haven’t heard anything about her not coming back, so USE HER MORE. That’s what she’s there for, and we need a funny bitch, Cherry, since you stupidly killed Edie Britt. Dumbass. I hope that Carlos isn’t just an argumentative jerk for the duration. I hope the Alejandro mystery is not the main mystery. I hope that the writers learn their lesson from this season — it has not been critically well-received — and give us a slow-boiling mystery that unfolds organically and isn’t dragged out to the point where nothing is thrilling or suspenseful. Here’s an idea, writers: Watch the first two seasons and the first 9 eps of the third season of Veronica Mars. THAT’S how you integrate a season-long mystery into your show. And I hope that we get some great episodes of Lynette trying to date other men again, and I hope that Tom moves in with the twins and drives them crazy. I’d love to see that. I really, really hope that the rumor that Susan Lucci is joining the cast is nothing but a rumor. And I freaking hope that Mary Alice/Brenda Strong gets more screen time, because you writers really effed it up this year, considering that her HUSBAND was (one of) the main antagonist(s)! Mary Alice deserves better. Lastly: MORE. SHIRTLESS. MAN. TIME!
And if it’s the last season, please please please make it worth our while — go out with a bang, and have a retrospective beforehand for the fans. We deserve it.
My season rank, in order of my favorite to least favorite*:
*My top four change all the time.
4, 1, 3, 2, 6, 7, 5
And you know what? Seasons 7 and 5 will probably have to battle it out over worst season on occasion.
If you guys are really jonesing for my recaps this summer, I’ll start up again with Pretty Little Liars on June 14th! You really should start watching the show — it’s like Desperate Housewives meets Veronica Mars meets Sweet Valley High. It reminds me of the early seasons of Desperate Housewives, because there’s so much mystery that I can’t figure out! It needs a little more humor, in my opinion, but it’s such a fun show to watch. See you next season! Take care, guys, and thank you so, so much for following along this season!
See you in September, ladies.