I am SOO sorry about the lateness. I started a new job, and I’m literally on my feet all day long, and when I came home to recap, I would either a.) fall asleep, or b.) be so negative and unfunny that it wasn’t worth it. I feel really, really bad, since this is the only time I’ve ever been late this season. Boo! Don’t hate me.
Well folks, this is it. I feel like for 3 subsequent seasons now, I’ve been saying, “Well, at least it’s over now.” *Sigh* I’ll save my non-quippy reactions for the end of the recap and the comments (oh, yes, the comments. I will be commenting, to be quite sure). But I think this photo of Susan pretty much sums up the way I feel about Season 7.
Susan’s being interrogated by the Fairview Police Dept. I’m sure they have a Wisteria Lane Unit, since, you know, shit like this goes down there all the time. Mary Alice says that Susan is a big rule follower and always does the right thing. Oh, “always,” Mary Alice? Cuz I’m pretty sure she found Zach in season 2 and then didn’t tell Mike about it and Mike (rightfully) got all pissed off and left her crying in the street in her mom’s wedding dress. Also, I’m pretty sure cleaning your house in a wonderbra for money isn’t the “right” thing to do. Not that I’m judging. Okay, I’m totally judging Susan. Wow, I’m a minute and 8 seconds into the episode. I need to kick things into high gear.
Susan says she didn’t poison the cookies and that Felicia added the antifreeze. The detective’s all, So this was your plan — you delivered the poisoned food? Susan’s like, Well no, except yes, but no! Susan says that she likes Paul, but the detective is all, Yeah you lost your kidney in a riot that happened because of Paul and he also ended your “internet porn” career causing people at the school you taught at to judge you . . . oh, and this school happens to be the one you took the poisoned cookies to. Susan’s all, Oohhhhhhhhhh shit. The detective gets a phone call — the police found syringes and vials behind her house. They tested positive for antifreeze. Credits.
Mary Alice says little things make us secure, like stuffed animals, money saved for a rainy day, matching coffee mugs, and crack cocaine. Probably not the last one. She says that sometimes the comforts are up against big challenges. And by “challenge” she means Tom and Lynette, because it’s become a major challenge to watch this last half of the season. They’re unpacking at the bed and breakfast. Basically, they’re too tired to have sex and keep saying how great the vacation is going to be. You know what’d be great for me, Tom and Lynette? If you just broke up. Right now.
Chuck came over to Bree’s house for dinner, and afterward, they talk about how awkward the end of dates can be. Bree suggests they lay all their cards on the table: Bree thinks Chuck is hot, vice versa. Chuck, though, wants to wait to have sex until his divorce is final. Otherwise, it would be adultery. Bree says that it’s admirable to find a man who has morals. Yeah, cuz you sure didn’t, ya big whore. You couldn’t wait to take a ride on the adultery train and ride it to Karl Junction.
Don’t make me get that Jamaican maid to come back and shame you again.
As Chuck leaves, Lee is taking out the trash and sees him. He apparently recognizes him. Uh-oh, Lee! What do you have to bitch about now? Maybe it’s just that I’m so ready for this season to be over, but Lee’s really been pissing me off lately.
Mike and Susan are talking with Lee’s MUCH better (and MUCH sexier) half, Bob. Susan says that Felicia was the one poisioning Paul, but they need some evidence. Mike to the rescue! He says that Felicia offered him $10,000 to kill Paul. And Felicia said this in prison. On the prison phone. Wow, I could not think of a worse place to ask someone to kill someone for money. Bob says he’ll see if they have a recording. Susan’s a little shocked that Mike considered it, but they needed money and Mike adds that there was a time that he would have killed Paul for free.
Gabby’s at home with the girls when Carlos calls. He’s away on business, but he wants to talk to Juanita. Celia is, of course, upstairs licking an air-conditioning vent or chewing on a Barbie head. Something weird, because that kid? Is kind of messed up. Oh, also:
“Unless that phone is made of chocolate, you can shove it up your bony ass.”
Oh ha ha ha, Juanita’s chubby and she’s ALWAYS EATING!!! Oh, why haven’t they made this joke before?! Oh, wait, I think they might have . . . You guys, I’m being so negative. I’ll try to tone it down, but I can’t make any promises. The next episode recap will be less negative, because that ep is like 150% more interesting. Gabby folds laundry as Mystery Man watches from the lawn. Wow, this guy doesn’t really get the whole “skulking” concept. He could learn a lesson or two from Stranglin’ Eddie from last season. Gabby catches him just as he’s walking away.
The next day, Gabby goes over to Bree’s house, even though Carlos doesn’t want them together. She tells Bree that she needs a gun because she and Juanita have seen Mystery Man blatantly lurking around. Gabby says that she’d sleep better with a gun under her pillow, just a teeny one, “the kind Nancy Reagan would shoot people with.” Hee. Bree is a little apprehensive about loaning Gabby a gun (and I’m a little surprised that Carlos himself doesn’t own one), but Bree says that she’ll enroll Gabby in a gun safety class, get her a license, and then Bree will loan her a gun. Gabby rightfully points out that in the meantime, Mystery Man will probably stab her and children repeatedly.
Meanwhile, Felicia is busy painting the nails of her all-fingered hand when she gets a phone call from the Fairview Police Dept. She asks what it’s about, but he won’t tell her until she comes down to the station.
“*Sigh* Jazz hands just haven’t been the same since the accident . . .”
Over at the B&B, which in this episode stands for Bitching & Berating, Tom and Lynette are trying to decide what to do. Lynette says that there’s this candle-making place that may be fun, but Tom pooh-poohs this. I mean, after all, they did take this mini-break to talk about their lives and feelings and crap like that. They both seem really, really depressed. Or maybe they’re just gassy. I don’t know. A couple named Lisa and Andy come bounding into the room, all smiles and kisses and hugs and rainbows and unicorns. Pretty much the opposite of Tom and Lynette. They’ve been to the B&B three times already, and would Tom and Lynette like to join them on their candle-making adventure this afternoon? Of course they would! What better place to ignore their seething resentment for each other than a make-you-own-candle place!
“The only argument we ever have is over which one of us is cuter!”
Mike goes over to Paul’s house, which actually used to be his house. Sadly, Mike’s not over there to ask Paul if he wants to have a half-naked make out session on the couch. Mike’s all, Why are you all up in Susan’s face, since you know she’s the only one who’s been nice to you, dumbass!? Paul’s like, She poisoned me! Mike’s like, Oh, um, you know that Felicia chick? She kind of poisoned you and offered me $10,000 to kill you. Paul’s like, Ohhhhhh that makes sense. They go over to Felicia’s house, only to find . . .
Seriously, I would literally crap my pants if that happened. Literally. Alas, this is not the case. Turns out, Felicia took all her belongings (including furniture, which, really? Furniture? No one noticed a moving van on Wisteria Lane?) and got the eff out of Dodge. Hmmmm . . .
Bree has Lee over for tea.
The only way Lee could look more gay is if . . . well, this is pretty much as gay as you can get.
Anyway. Bree, Lee, tea. Lee tells Bree that Chuck is gay. He’s even seen Chuck at his favorite gay bar. Which would be the only gay bar in Fairview. Bree’s like, That’s a bunch of marlarkey, he was married! Lee’s all, Uh-huh, WAS married, and unless you guys have had some awesome sex . . . Which they obviously haven’t. So now Bree thinks her new boyfriend might be gay. But for some reason, she never worried about Keith. Just sayin’.
Over at the Your Marriage May Be in Shambles But At Least the Scones Are Good B&B, Tom and Lynette and the Happy Couple (I just realized the chick is Lola from Childrens Hospital! Yay!) get back from eating dinner, which Tom paid for, as well as everything else during the day. Tom’s all, Why make the “big bucks” if you can’t spread it around? Which is, admittedly, a douchey thing to say. Lynette agrees and snipes at Tom about this and then, because neither of them want to go upstairs and talk about their marriage, Lynette suggests they and the Happy Couple play cards. Are they the only ones at the B&B? Basically, Tom starts a story, Lynette finishes it, Tom gets mad, Lynette gets mad, they fight, and then things get awkward. Lisa and Andrew have had enough of Fightapalooza, so they say good night. Lynette says she’s going to bed, but Tom’s gonna stay downstairs and watch some sportsketball.
Lynette: “I have to pretend you’re Bob during sex just to reach orgasm.” Tom: “Me too.”
Bree shows up at the police station — for once, not because she’s involved with a crime — to take Chuck out for lunch, but he can’t go. They make plans for dinner and Chuck takes off. Bree sees a photo of Chuck and his “former partner,” and some dude says they’re not partners any more because things got “weird.” Later, Bree tells Lee about this and shows him a photo of Chuck and his partner. I guess they were partners for 9 years, went on a camping trip and when they got back, the partner transferred to another precinct.
“DID SOMEONE SAY ‘CAMPING?!?!’”
No, Dave, no one said “camping,” okay? Go back to being barely menacing. Lee says that Chuck probably came on to his partner during the trip and that’s why the partner left. Bree says she’s going to come on to Chuck tonight, give him a boner, and prove that he’s a straightie.
Ah, I forgot about Gabby’s plot. She’s at the gun place, getting ready for a lesson. The instructor’s trying to be all serious about things because, you know, it’s GUNS for pete’s sakes. But of course, Gabby’s not taking any of it seriously. I bet if this was a class on doll safety, she’d be freaking all ears. The instructor asks her why she’s there and she says she wants to protect her family and is all, “Could you shoot me?” He gets all whisper-y and walks toward her, asking if she could point the gun, shoot him, kill him, and live with herself. Gabby says no, and he says that anyone who feels like Gabby should leave. Gabby’s the only one who leaves.
Susan goes over to Paul’s to thank him for dropping the charges. He apologizes. It turns out that Paul is moving away because it’s time for him to go. Susan says he can’t leave because he belongs there, but Paul says he doesn’t. He says that he and Mary Alice moved their family to Wisteria Lane to run away, but the past caught up with them. And we all know how that turned out.
It was a simpler time. A time when seasons ended satisfactorily.
The good news is that Susan, Mike, and practically nonexistent M.J. (where the hell has he been?) can move back in. Paul hopes they’ll be happy. Aw!
Bree and Chuck are in Chuck’s car, after a date. Bree says it’s time for a nightcap. Of what, Bree, Shasta? You can’t drink. Anyone else think it’s kind of inappropriate for Bree to have wine and liquor constantly on hand in her house? I’m not an alcoholic — I’m patiently waiting for the day I hit rock bottom and wind up in a truck stop in Barstow with no knowledge of how I’ve gotten there — but isn’t that just . . . not right? Bree’s more interested in Chuck’s wiener, though, and says that they could go to her place and skip the nightcap. Chuck says that’s a bad idea. She’s all, “Okay, but I still want that nightcap.” Again, Bree, a nightcap of what? Tap water? Bree says she knows the perfect place, which turns out to be the gay bar Lee was talking about. Chuck’s like, Bree I’m pretty sure this is a gay bar. She wants to know why he knows that. Some queeny dude comes up and is all, “Hey girlfriend!” Bree’s like, It’s cool — my son is gay, I have lots of gay friends, “I love the gays!” Hee. I know I’ve said it before, but this new, more relaxed Bree is really warming on me. Chuck’s all, “I’m not gay,” just as someone hands him a girly drink. And then the queeny dude from before spanks him on his — what I’m sure is rock hard — ass. Chuck says he was undercover there for a drug bust and pretended to be gay. Uh-huh. How far did you go to “pretend,” Chuck? Hmmmmm? Bree calls b.s. on this, especially since what happened to his partner. She tells him what she knows (which isn’t much) and asks if he was in love with him. Chuck pulls her aside. Turns out Chuck found out his partner had been sleeping with his wife for like, a long time. The reason he’s not sleeping with Bree is because his wife will, I don’t know, convince the judge that he’s just as bad because he sleeps around too. I’m no judge, but that’s a flimsy-ass argument.
Gabby’s shopping for groceries and does something that makes me hate and love her simultaneously: She eats some cookies out of an open box and puts them back on a shelf. Hee! Except, also, wrong! Turns out Mystery Man is also shopping . . . for revenge! Or something. Gabby’s spooked by a kid knocking over some cans, and then she spies Mystery Man from afar.
Did Desperate Housewives merge with Lost? Is this like that thing with Jack’s dad? Has this whole season just been some sort of purgatory?!?!
That would actually explain a lot . . . Gabby runs after Mystery Man, but it’s too late and he gets away. She asks a security guy if there’s a camera she can look at. Apparently there is, because she sees the footage of the Mystery Man and is all, “Oh my god! That’s my stepfather . . . He’s supposed to be dead.” And we flash cut to:
“That’s good, Gabby, but next time don’t focus exclusively on the crotch.”
The instructor is surprised to see her back, but Gabby says she “got over it.” “It” being shooting someone. “Someone” being her gross stepfather.
Back at Making Others Uncomfortable With Your Own Issues Lodge, Lisa and Andrew are enjoying a quiet breakfast until Mr. and Mrs. Buzzkillington arrive. Lynette says she found a great apple picking place, but Lisa and Andrew say they’re heading out by themselves. Tom’s like, Are you blowing us off? Lisa tries to make an excuse, but Andrew admits they’re blowing them off because they get that Tom and Lynette can’t stand being alone, but they can, so smell y’all later. Lisa is all, “And good luck.” Tom’s all, “With what?” Lisa says, “Whatever it is you’re working through.” That “whatever it is,” Lisa, is about 20 years of the same argument every damn day. At at least one argument a day, that’s 7,304.84398 arguments! You can’t fix that in one weekend, my friend.
Paul closes the garage door and walks back into his house for the last time. And then someone knocks him on the head and he drops to the floor.
At the B&B, it’s raining and Tom and Lynette talk about the fact that it’s raining and how it may rain some more. Lynette says that 20 years ago, “If you put us in a room with a fire and a bed and it rained all day . . .” you’d what, Lynette? You’d be fighting, okay? Geez. Tom says he needs to get out because he’s losing his mind and Lynette accuses him of not trying. Tom gives her a gift — he took her “crappy” engagement ring and put in a bigger diamond, since he told her he would give her a decent ring some day. Annnnnddd, of course Lynette’s not happy with this because she liked the old ring, even though, as Tom points out, she made a joke about how small the diamond was whenever she showed people. Lynette says that doesn’t mean she didn’t love it. Don’t you get it by now, Tom — Lynette insults everything she loves! Tom says he’s running out of ideas and is all, “I can’t do this anymore.” Lynette says they’ve survived a lot and wonders why they can’t “pull out of this one.” Tom says he doesn’t know what he wants or what Lynette wants, “It just isn’t this.”
Paul wakes up taped to a chair with his mouth duct-taped as well. Felicia slaps him. Oh, Felicia’s the one who hit him over the head! I wondered about that! Well, not really. She says that she’ll take the tape off his mouth, but if he screams, she’ll inject his heart with poison. Oh, and she also has him hooked up to an i.v. of more poison, so he’ll die more slowly. Felicia has a weird poison fetish. Seems like she has some questions for Paul. Also, she has Beth’s ashes there and continues to talk to them like they’re really Beth.
Mike and Susan are packing up their apartment, all excited about getting back to Wisteria Lane, because their lives just haven’t been the same without the shootings, natural disasters, riots, explosions, and all the other crap that goes down on that cul-de-sac. Susan gets a really cute idea to go ahead and get M.J.’s room all ready for him, so that when they get there, his room will be all set up. Awwwww! That’s so sweet! So she heads right on over, taking a toy police car. Gee, I wonder if that last sentence was important enough for me to recap . . .
Of course, back at Susan’s (formerly Paul’s, formerly Susan’s) house, Felicia is asking Paul about Martha Huber. Paul says that Martha deserved to die — she drove Mary Alice to suicide, and Felicia counters that Martha didn’t make Mary Alice kill herself. All Felicia wants to hear is Paul say he’s sorry. He says he’s not sorry and he knew she was getting exactly what he deserved when he killed her. And of course, Felicia was secretly videotaping this whole thing. Felicia says that when they find Paul’s body, they’ll find the videotape and everyone will stop thinking she’s crazy.
Yeah, um, good luck with that, you poison-loving 8 fingered freak.
Paul says “the world will never stop thinking you’re crazy.” Word, Paul. Susan comes in with a box of toys for M.J. and spies Paul strapped to the chair with Felicia poisoning him. With poison. Oh, the suspense . . . less . . . ness. Paul’s asks Felicia loudly (so that Susan can hear) how much longer he’ll last? Felicia says about half an hour. Susan calls the police on her phone. From inside the house. Which is kind of dumb. Felicia hears police sirens and runs out the back door. Susan starts to untie Paul while Felicia looks around for police cars . . . of which there are none. When she gets back in, she notices M.J.’s toy police car running around on the floor making siren noises. Felicia then conks Susan on the head and gives us this great line: “Oh, Susan! If your casseroles had been any better, he would have had seconds! And none of this would be happening!” Hee. That totally makes up for this lackluster episode! Wait, no, it doesn’t. Susan and Felicia struggle as Felicia tries to inject her with a polio vaccine. Oh, wait, I mean poison. Paul gets free and starts to strangle Felicia, but Susan’s all, “You are not like her, you are not a killer!” He lets Felicia go, she grabs the urn, and runs away.
Susan’s like, I knew you wouldn’t hurt her, you’re a good person. Then Paul tells Susan that he did, in fact, kill Martha — he hasn’t been the man she thinks he is for a long time, but he does want to be that man again. The cops arrive, and Paul says he has a confession to make.
Mary Alice talks about security as Paul is whisked away by the cops. The next day, Felicia is driving down the highway with Beth’s ashes. When she’s reaching for something, she knocks the urn over, spilling ashes. Since her windows are open, the ashes fly everywhere, Felicia in turn runs all over the road, and then this is the last thing Felicia Tilman ever sees (perhaps):
“Breaker breaker, good buddy, we’ve got an anti-climatic season finale here, over.”
Well, that’s effectively the end of this season’s “mystery,” which was, to be extremely kind, all over the place. I’ll see you in the comments! I’ll have a lot to say this time . . . (not that I don’t usually have a lot to say, but there will be more).