Desperate Housewives: Big Salami Tommy

This Week on Desperate Housewives:  Susan discovers that Tom . . . how can I put this delicately? . . . has a big-ass penis, which causes him to fight with Lynette.  Susan also discovers Renee’s secret.  Meanwhile, Gabby becomes truly evil and calls immigration on Carmen’s ass just so she can have Grace to herself.  And Bree and Keith eat dinner, or something, I don’t know, they’re just so boring.

But also — LIBBY!!!

Susan’s taking Paige out for a little stroll.  Is this necessary?  I mean, I get that Lynette and Renee started a business, but other than meeting one client, they haven’t really done anything business-y.  Whatever.  Lynette goes upstairs to gather some baby clothes to give to another pregnant lady.  For some reason, Lynette gets sad about how she’ll never have another baby to name Peter or Paul or Penelope or Poopy Pie Pants.  Tom says that Lynette got her tubes tied, which honestly?  Probably a good idea.  For some reason, talking about hysterectomies and seeing his wife cry gives Tom a rager, so they decide to do it on the floor of the nursery.  And you guys? It.  Is.  Awkward.  Felicity Huffman and Doug Savant pretty much mash their mouths together and move slightly on the floor.  And of course, Susan walks in on them.

“Ohmigod why is your finger in THERE?!”

“No, just leave it in there — OHMIGOD I DON’T WANT TO SEE IT!”

“Ewwwww, with your TOE, LYNETTE?!  How can that feel good?!”

“I don’t think — Oh sweet jesus not in the ear, Tom!  NOT IN THE EAR!!!”

And of course, Susan freaks out:  “I forgot Paige’s doll!  I’ll just — I’ll just tell her it’s dead!”  Ha ha ha!  Oh crap.  Did I just enjoy a Susan scene?  I’m not sure I like this feeling.

Mary Alice says there’s a question we all ask ourselves.  “Why does this show suck?”  Is that it, Mary Alice?  Is that the question?  Because I ask myself that.  A lot.  But I guess she’s talking about how much we know our neighbors or like our neighbors.  Crap like that.  Roy has a bandage on his head.  Is it just me, or does Roy get injured a lot?  It seems like it.  Meanwhile, Paul makes some guy sign a paper, stating that he’s sold his house to Paul.  The guy hesitates, but Paul says he should get out while he can, because the neighborhood is changing.

“We’ve already got a black lady and two fairies, so I don’t really see what could be worse . . . “

Lee catches up with Paul to ask him about the sale.  Paul says that now he’s going to let the neighborhood in on his plan, and then he hammers in a sign on the new house’s lawn.  Oh.  Okay, Cherry.  You don’t want to maybe, I don’t know, save this for the next-to-last episode?  You don’t want to make Paul’s plan more suspenseful?  You wanna go ahead and reveal it in the 9th episode of the season?  Well.  All right, then.

Susan comes in with groceries, and Lynette says they need to get past the little kerfluffle that happened the other day.  Tom’s like, “We should get to see you and Mike naked!”  Hells yeah!  Except without Susan.  And with Bob.  And Carlos.  After Tom leaves, Susan’s all, Congrats on Tom’s really big boner.  Really?  Tom Scavo?  Big johnson?  Really?  Of course, Tom overhears this, and when Susan asks Lynette why she’s never told the gals about Tom’s giant wiener, Lynette’s all, Why would I care if you guys think Tom has a chubby the size of a li’l smokie?   Oh, Tom is not excited to hear that, let me tell you.

Meanwhile, over at Casa de We Thought This Plot Would Be Interesting At First But Now It’s Just Exhausting, Carmen (Grace’s mom) tells Gabby that Hector (Grace’s father) is in Mexico, and that she and Grace are leaving in a couple days.  Gabby doesn’t want Carmen to leave, because Grace can’t have a good life in Mexico.  And also because Gabby’s selfish and wants to keep Grace for herself.  Gabby yells out, I’m Grace’s birth mother!  And Carmen’s like, “And I’m Juanita’s!  You want me to take her too?!”

“Oh, god, could you?  That would be super great, thanks.”

Gabby says that if Grace stays, she can have anything she wants, just like Juanita.  Carmen says Juanita’s spoiled and calls Gabby a bad mommy.  Bad mommy!

Ugh.  So, I guess Roy got his head injury because he and McCluskey were trying out some crazy sexual position.  We.  Get it.  Old people like to have sex and it’s supposed to be cute and gross at the same time.

We get it.

McC spies the sign that Paul put on the lawn and sends Roy off to tell the others.  Paul’s plan?

Helping the less fortunate.  Ooooh, evil!

Bree, Lynette, and McC stand in front of the sign and agree that Wisteria Lane is no place for helping others.  No place!  Paul comes out and tells them that after he left prison, he wanted to help former inmates, and that the good people on good ole Wisteria Lane are just the people to welcome them with open arms.  Just like they did with Betty Applewhite.  And her son.  And her other son.  And Angie.  And Katherine Mayfair.  And that child molester.  And his wheelchair-bound sister.  And Edie.  And Beige Dave.  And Orson’s ex-wife.  And Orson’s mother.  And Oprah in that stupid skit she had on her show.  Yes, if the residents of Wisteria Lane are known for anything, it’s accepting people.  And shooting each other.

Where were we?  Ah, yes.  Well, Paul’s plan ain’t gonna fly with the ladies.  Paul says he has more faith in people than they do, and the halfway house will be a “testament” to how he feels about each of them.  Ouch, Paul.  Ouchies.

Susan walks into Renee’s house, since her door is wide open.  Renee’s listening to “One Less Bell to Answer” by The 5th Dimension.  And someone from Glee probably sang it too.  Renee is also bawling her freaking eyes out, and doesn’t hear Susan.  Susan:  “Oh, I’ve really got to start knocking.”  Hee!  I am loving Susan this week!  What’s wrong with me?!  Susan keeps a cool head, goes back out, closes the door, and knocks.  Susan has a birthday card for her that got sent to Lynette by mistake.  It’s from Renee’s dentist.  Wah wah waaaaahh.  Susan says that they need to go out and get drunk.  Yay!  Good ole alcohol.  The cause of — and solution to — all of life’s problems.

We all hate Gabby this week, right?  Couldn’t you hate her a bit more, though?  Come on, you can do it . . . make some room . . . take away some of the Susan hate, you don’t need it this week . . . there you go.  She asks Bob if, hypothetically, Grace could stay with her if someone called immigration and reported Carmen.  Geez!  Screw Paul Young — Gabby’s the real evil! Am I right, folks?  Am I right?  Bob tells her that technically it’s legal, but that doesn’t make it right.  And then Gabby goes back in to make a phone call.  To immigration.

“Hi Satan!  It’s me, Gabby.  I was just wondering if you were free for lunch tomorrow?  The Olive Garden doesn’t take reservations, but — Great!  I know!  I love their breadsticks too!  Yay!  See you tomorrow!  Love you too, Dark Lord!  Byeeeee!”

At the Scavo household, Tom gets right to it:  “Why don’t you talk about my penis?”  He tells Lynette he overheard her and finds it odd that she’s never bragged about Tom’s wang.  He says he’s sick of being the chump husband, since Lynette always tells the gals that Tom is a dumbass who makes dumb decisions like buying a pizza place or having a secret love child.

Oh.  I kind of forgot about David Silver.  Bree’s over at his house, I guess they’re going out for dinner at a fancy place.  While Keith goes to his room to grab something, his dad pops out, and we know he’s depressed because he’s in a bathrobe and there are discarded pizza boxes on the couch.  These are the signs, people.  Get help if you don’t like to shower and enjoy a hand tossed pepperoni.  Oh, and that thing Keith needed?  An engagement ring.  But his plans are foiled when Bree invites Depressed Daddy to dinner as well.

At Lynette’s house, Bob tells everyone that Paul can’t open a halfway house because the homeowner’s association would have to vote on it, and since each house gets one vote, he’d be out-voted.  Susan wishes that Mike was around so he could just go kick Paul’s ass.  They all agree that some macho man needs to do that, like Carlos, Bree suggests.  Or Roy, as McC suggests.  Or “the gay,” as Roy eloquently puts it.  No one suggests Tom, so he gets all upset and pulls Lynette aside and tells her that everyone thinks that he’s a wuss.  So they fight in front of everyone, and Tom says Lynette emasculates him constantly.  Lynette’s all, “No I don’t!”  Um, Lynette?  Honey?  Have you seen this show?  Lynette’s like, Fine, I’ll talk you up!  She then tells everyone in not-so-subtle terms that Paul’s Captain Winkie is freakin’ huge.  McC:  “Gee, you think she’d smile more.”  Hee.

Grace is over at Gabby’s reading a book, when the immigration people show up.  Carmen tells Grace to go upstairs and stay there until she tells her it’s okay to come down.  She then hugs Grace a lot and starts crying, and Gabby is all, “You’re not going anywhere.”  The immigration dudes knock on the door and ask for Carmen Sanchez.  Turns out, Gabby’s put on a scarf and a horrible fake accent, saying she’s going to the store for oven cleaner.  And of course, since illegal immigrants can never aspire to be anything other than maids or gardeners, the immigration dude asks if Gabby is Carmen, and she tells him that she is.

“Oh, good.  Because we didn’t ask anyone what she looked like, and we didn’t obtain any photos of her whatsoever.  And we didn’t do any research on her.  Or actual police work.  But you’re clearly her since you’re going shopping and have a scarf on your head.  Sooooo yeah.”

Bree and Keith are out to dinner.  Apparently, a few weeks have passed, because they’re talking about finally going out to dinner without Keith’s dad.  While Bree gets him a drink at the bar — which is good, which is totally healthy for someone who went through A.A. — Keith talks to the hostess about putting the engagement ring in some sort of food.  Which to me, is a deal breaker, folks.  If you’re going to propose to me either a.) on a jumbotron at some stupid sporting event, or b.) hiding a ring in my food, then I’m going to slap you in the face and say no.  And I’m still gonna keep the ring.  Oh yeah — I’m keeping the ring.  Bastard.  I guess Keith doesn’t want to wait until dessert, so he asks the hostess if they can put it in an appetizer or something.  Really?

“Could you put it in the middle of a big ass platter of chili cheese nachos? Ooh, or on top of an onion blossom!  No, no!  Oh man, put it on a fried cheese stick!  How romantic is that?!  Boo yah!!”

Bree’s getting Keith’s drink, when all of a sudden she hears a familiar face and ohmigod it’s Libby!!

LIBBY!!!!!

She didn’t die on the island!  She survived getting shot by dumbass Michael and ended up in a much more mediocre show on the same network!  Libby!  *Note:  If you didn’t watch Lost, then I feel sorry for you, because it was (mostly) awesome, except when they did crap like kill off Libby without giving her ANY backstory whatsoever and leaving us COMPLETELY baffled as to why she was in the same asylum with Hurley and who the eff she was and why Libby why?!*

All right.  I’m done with that.  I promise there will be no more Libby talk.  But come on . . . it’s Libby!

LIBBY!!!!

Okay.  Okay.  Libby is actually Tracy (on the show, not in real life), who has apparently lost a lot of weight and divorced her husband.  When Keith comes up, Tracy’s all, “Oh my god, is this Andrew?!  I can’t believe how grown up he is!”  Hee.  Bree explains that he’s her boyfriend, and Tracy’s all, You go girl.

Meanwhile, over in the immigration holding cell, people are telling Gabby stories about having cholera and stuff, and Gabby’s like, Damn you guys are hardcore about getting out of Mexico!  Since someone apparently finally did some research, they’re letting Gabby go.  Carlos shows up and tells her that Carmen and Grace are in a motel, and they’ll be leaving for Texas shortly.

Bree and Keith are having a special evening full of special things . . . until Daddy Silver walks in and drops a big steaming deuce all over their specialness.  Turns out he’s getting some food to go.  To eat by himself.  At home.  By himself.  On the couch.  Or over the sink.  By himself.  Awww, what could be sadder than that?

This.  This is sadder.

Bree caves and invites him to dinner with them, which makes Keith a little upset.  But just then, Bree spies Tracy, and we cut to:

LIBBY!!!!

Turns out, Tracy is kind of a wackadoo, given that she took a naked pic of herself after she lost the weight and sent it to her ex-husband.  Also, Bree met Tracy in the church choir, but Tracy doesn’t sing anymore.  Or believe in God, so . . . awkward.  Daddy Silver says that when he was in combat he prayed to God, and then Tracy says that all the money should be taken out of the armed forces and given to schools.  Daddy Silver doesn’t like that.  Keith pulls Bree aside to tell her that the evening’s a big mess, and then a shrimp cocktail shows up with Keith’s ring, and Tracy pulls it out and calls it tiny, and then Keith gets on his Huffy bike and leaves.

Over at another restaurant, Renee is not having a good time.

“I don’t know whether I should throw my wine at you or just smash the glass upside your skank ass face.”

After hearing the story of how Susan prepares her meals for the week, Renee has had it.  Susan says that she was just trying to cheer Renee up, and admits seeing her crying.  Susan assumes that Renee was crying about being single and getting older, but Renee’s like, Bitch, I’m a damn fine piece of ass!  Turns out, Renee was crying because she was thinking of the one man in her life that she loved, the one guy she would have been with forever, but she let him go and now it’s too late.  Susan tells Renee that she never gave up with Mike, so neither should Renee.  Oh, Susan.  If you only knew that the man is Trouser Snake Tommy.

Over at the Scavo house, Tom and Lynette are about to go to bed, but since this is a weeknight, they have to have a fight first.  Tom’s still upset about how she never talks about Tom to the girls, and Lynette’s like, They talk about you all the time — about how you’re sensitive and a great husband and an amazing dad!  Tom asks her why she sounds annoyed, and she’s like, “How many people come up to you and say that you have the perfect wife?”  Touche, Lynette.  Touche.  She says that she’s the “bitch,” and that if she doesn’t talk Tom up it’s because she doesn’t want to be reminded of how she doesn’t deserve him.  Wow.  I’m not hating Lynette tonight.  I’m enjoying Susan, and I’m not hating Lynette . . . What’s happening, people?!

“WHAT’S HAPPENING!?!”

Tom tells Lynette that he’s the lucky one.  Because why, Tom?  Do go on.  He says she’s sexy and makes him laugh, and that she’s sensitive and cries when packing away kids’ clothes even though she’s popped an entire little league team out of her vagina.  And then they have sex.  Obviously, fighting is their foreplay.  I bet 90% of their sex is angry sex.

Renee is hella drunk, so Susan’s helping her fall asleep on Renee’s couch.  I love drunk Renee!  Why?  This:  “I really like you now!  You’re nice.  Much nicer than that Susan.”  Ha ha ha!  As Renee’s drifting off, she lets it slip that the man she loves lives down the street, and that his name is Tom.

“Tom?!  But he likes to do it in the ear ohmigod why am I still thinking about that?!”

Bree goes over to Keith’s house, but he’s not there.  Daddy Silver’s there, though, and apologizes for ruining her night.  He asks her what she would have said to Keith had he asked for her hand in marriage.  She says she doesn’t know.  Daddy Silver says that he doesn’t see Bree with Keith — she should be with someone “reliable” and someone who shares her “old-fashioned values,” someone more “her age.”  She says she loves Keith (really?).  Since things are sufficiently awkward, Bree leaves.

Gabby’s saying goodbye to Grace.

“You’re . . . hurting . . . me . . .”

Gabby says that she’s memorizing Grace’s face because she doesn’t know when she’ll see her again.  Gabby tells Grace that she grew up like her, but she kept going after her dreams.  She conveniently leaves out the part where she slept her way to the top, but whatever, it’s inspiring enough without that, I guess.  Carmen apologizes to Gabby for what she said about Juanita and Gabby the other day.  Gabby thanks Carmen for taking care of her baby, and Carmen thanks Gabby for the same.  And Grace is in the car, like right behind them.

“Wait, what did you guys just say?  What do you mean, ‘Thanks for taking care of my baby?’  What the crap, man?!”

Grace and Carmen leave.

Eva Longoria Sad Face.

So, I guess that’s the end of that?  I sure as hell hope so.  Over at Lynette’s house, it’s time for the homeowners’ association meeting.  You know what this meeting needs?  Katherine Mayfair.  Katherine would so NOT put up with Paul’s shit.  Plus, you know that crazy bitch lived for homeowners’ association meetings.  She also apparently lived for poon-tang and we’ll sadly never see her again.  Everyone is opposed to the halfway house . . . and Paul pisses all over it by saying that they need 48 hours before discussing a vote. Susan says that they’ll just vote the same way in 48 hours, and they’ll also vote to kick Paul off the street.

The random background neighbors agree!

Paul says he has at least 7 votes, because he has 7 houses on the Lane.  Seven houses = seven votes.  He says he used his settlement money to buy houses on the street, as well as the Electric Company and B & O Railroad.  He also got second prize in a beauty contest and collected $10.  Then Paul tells everyone that Lee sold him the houses, and they all hate Lee for a few seconds, and then Susan tells everyone that Paul wanted to buy her house.  Whatever — the point is, Gabby says, that 7 votes isn’t enough.  Paul says that he only needs one more, and by this time, this whole thing feels like the end of a murder mystery movie, and Paul’s gathered all the suspects to tell them who did it and why.  Paul says that he just needs one person to sell their house and if someone does, they’ll have a halfway house on the street, and then the home values will totally go down.  Paul tells Mitzi that he knows she’s been laid off, and he’d offer her way more than market value.  And McC — who’s probably got her life savings tied up in her home, could use some money, eh?  And Susan — if she “loses half the equity on [her] house,” would MIke be able to come back?  Oooh, dip.  MItzi’s interested in how much Paul would give her, and McC and Roy start whispering, and Bree and Susan start yelling at Lee, and then everyone yells at each other, and Lynette turns to Paul and says, “We’re not going to let you destroy our street.”  Paul:  “I won’t have to.  You’re going to do it yourselves.”

“Later, bitches.”

Next Week:  Daddy Silver comes on to Bree; Renee tries to, I don’t know, do it with Tom.  And, since it’s time for the patented Desperate Housewives Disaster Episode, there’s a big ass riot or something.