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It’s kind of sad when the network is making a big deal out of NEW EPISODES EVERY WEEK until the finale, but there you go. They must have heard about the thousands of people on Facebook who were all, “Why r u so stoopid we need noo episodes every week u guys r so frickin dumb.” Well played, anonymous grammatically challenged Facebook losers. Well played. And I guess the season finale is 2 hours long or something, which is exciting as a fan, but kind of exasperating as a recapper. I probably shouldn’t say this, but anything over 43 minutes is kind of a pain in the ass to recap. At least the way I recap. Other recappers probably go, “Meh. It’ll be fine.” While I’m saying, “Oh dear lord now I have to go out and buy a 1.5 plastic liter of $9.99 Viaka vodka just to get through this son of a bitch.” Why am I still talking about this crap when this episode needs to be recapped? See?! THIS is why it takes me so long! THIS is why I hate 2 hour finales! Let’s just get to the recap.
Susan’s at her doctor, and Mary Alice says that the doctor told her to abstain from sex for 6 weeks. Okay. The same doctor, LAST WEEK, told Susan that she couldn’t have sex for 2 weeks. What the hell? They can’t even be consistent from one episode to the next? No one even caught that? That’s really, really lazy, DH writers. The least you could have done is have Susan say something like, “Last week you said it would only be two weeks.” And the doctor could say, “We got some tests back and it may be too strenuous for you, so let’s be cautious. Also, we have a sexual surrogate for Mike in the meantime. His name is Hypnotoad and he’ll rock Mike’s world six ways from Sunday.” How hard would that be? Damn. Ugh.
Anyway. But Susan’s so horny that she keeps having sexy-ass sex dreams. But not about Mike. No, Susan’s having womanly nocturnal emissions over –
“Oh yeah. Take a walk on the dark side, baby.”
SHUT UP! Okay, not really. Here’s who she’s having sex dreams about:
Oh hell yes! Come to papa.
I know y’all know how sexy I think Mark Moses/Paul Young is and I will not apologize for it. I will not! Susan wakes up to find Mike next to her, awake. He knows that she was having a sex dream and he wants to know how boneriffic he was in the dream sack. Susan says she’ll just show him in a couple of days when they can finally be doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well. Credits.
Seriously, I’d be kind of pissed if I were Vanessa Williams. We’ll get to that later, though. Oh yes. We will get to that later, my friends. Mary Alice blahs about loyalty to, I don’t know, sports teams and liquor and crap. But the “fiercest loyalty” is the loyalty between friends, she says. Gabby’s on her way out to meet the girls but since Bree’s going to be there, and since Carlos still has a stick up his ass about her not seeing Bree, he forbids her to go. Remember last year when he was a total asshole to Lynette about her baby, trying to get her to move to Miami and then trying to get her fired? Why are the writers making Carlos such a jackass now? Bring back season 3 and 4 Carlos, please. Gabby tells Carlos that he can’t stop her from seeing Bree and he says that he totally can.
Gabby goes outside and talks to Bree on her Bluetooth about how much this sucks and how much they’ll miss each other. But Bree says they can’t see each other. It’s very adorable, because they’re talking like lovers. Bree: “I have to go. I have scones in the oven.” Gabby: “I love your scones.” Bree: “Stop!” Hee. This will be fun! More of this, please!
Tom comes home to tell Lynette that they’re going to the Weisman Leadership Conference. Lynette’s very excited because a bunch of famous business people (including Oprah! Oprah Oprah Oprah!) go to the conference, plus they won’t have to take their kids! Lynette’s so excited that she screams. Unfortunately, this wakes Paige.
Remember a couple weeks ago when you guys were talking about this? Yeah. I’m totally on board now.
Susan picks up M.J. from McCluskey’s house where they talk about how great it will be for Susan and Mike to have sex again, and then McC points out how much of a mess Paul’s house is. And since Susan’s the landlord and his wife gave Susan a kidney, she might want to check things out. So Susan goes over to Paul’s house to talk to him. She knocks on the door and Paul opens it, still in a bathrobe.
Even sociopaths need love. PHYSICALLY. FROM ME.
So back off, bitches. Paul says he hasn’t gotten out of the house much but he’ll be okay. He’d feel better if he was naked. And on top of me.
At the Weisman conference, it turns out Bob and Lee are there as well. Bob leaves to introduce Tom to some dude while Lynette and Lee go off to get drinks. Lynette chats up a business lady named Meg Butler, who’s president of Business Company That Does Business Things. She notices that Lynette’s lanyard is red, which means that Lynette is a “plus one” and therefore won’t be able to participate in any of the seminars. Which is a bummer since Lynette was excited to see Chris Cavanaugh, the author of this book (I’m assuming):
That book changed my life, you guys. Now I know all about business-y stuff! Anyway, Lee tells Lynette that as “plus ones” they’ll be doing stuff like Japanese flower arrangement and other girl-y things. Meg Butler is all, Yeah, well, that’s what you get for marrying a businessman instead of doing business-y things yourself. Boo, Meg, you bitch! Rude. Lee tells Lynette that they’re going to have so much fun, just as some lady blows her whistle and says that it’s time for the scavenger hunt. Yeah, that would suck, but I would love to be a “plus one” just for all the free hooch.
Bree is at Lynette’s house, watering the plants for her, when Gabby pops in, saying she wanted to talk to Lynette. Bree tells her that Lynette’s out of town, so she’s getting the mail and watering the plants. Gabby sounds a tad surprised, but we all know what’s on Gabby’s mind.
“Mrs. Solis, you’re trying to seduce me. Aren’t you?”
That’s a great shot. You guys, what follows next will be, I’m surprised to say, one of my all-time favorite scenes in the history of Desperate Housewives. Seriously. My recap will not do it justice — you’ll need to watch it yourself. Gabby: “. . . You look good.” Bree (almost seductively): ” . . . You too.” And things get even better from there. There are three reasons I love this scene: 1.) The performances of Marcia Cross and Eva Longoria are just sensational — they hit all the right notes. 2.) The scene’s shot very intimately, with no background music. 3.) The writing is really fantastic. With all of these combined, it feels like I’m watching a great, funny play. David Schladweiler (who wrote another great episode in January) is really upping the game this season. (Except for the Susan-six-week-no-sex-continuity, natch.)
Gabby wants to have some coffee (“It’s just coffee, Bree.”), but Bree’s all, “But your husband . . .” Gabby: “He’d never look for us here . . .” Hee! Bree says that it’s been hard without Gabby, especially since all Susan talks about is kidneys. Hahahaha! Gabby agrees. They exchange knowing glances and Bree says she can put on a pot of coffee. Gabby: “I like mine with cream.” Bree: “I know how you like it.” Hahahaha! Seriously, you should watch it for yourself. It’s that good, people.
“Oh yeah. I’m gonna friend your f**king brains out.”
Felicia goes over to see McCluskey, who apparently didn’t know that Felicia had been released from prison. Felicia gives her a gift, something that belonged to Martha.
I had no idea what this was at first. A retainer? A fake ear? A real ear?
Knowing Felicia, it could be any of those. But I think it’s a rose brooch. That’s my guess, anyway. Felicia says it’s her way of saying “Thanks for keeping my secret all these years.” McCluskey says it’s not much of a secret anymore and Felicia says that she’s kept McCluskey’s secret — never telling anyone what McC’s “role was that night.” Yeah, so I was all, “Wait, what? What the crap did McCluskey have to do with Felicia’s disappearance? Did I forget something? I’m pretty sure I didn’t, Mr. Schladweiler!” McCluskey says it’s not a good time to talk about it, to which Felicia replies that it’s fine, but they should catch up sometime, which will be easy since she lives on the Lane again. McCluskey goes back inside and is all discombobulated, and tells Roy that she needs a drink. Atta girl.
Ah, and now we have a flashback. So if you too are thinking you’d forgotten something, you haven’t. In the flashback, McCluskey is looking for Ida Greenberg’s cat, Toby (R.I.P. Ida Greenberg. And, maybe R.I.P. Toby, since I haven’t seen him in forever). All of a sudden, Felicia Tilman comes running up with her bloody stump of a hand.
“What, this? Oh, ha ha ha. I was just . . . feeding some . . . lions . . . at the . . . Shriner’s Circus. Um. And . . . then . . . a clown came up and . . . bit my hand off? Soooo . . . yeah.”
Felicia asks if McCluskey loved Martha and thinks Paul killed her, to which McCluskey is all, Um, doi! McCluskey asks if Felicia killed Paul and Felicia’s all, “No, he killed me” and they’ll find my fingers, he’ll go to jail, and he got away with Martha’s murder but he won’t get away with mine. McCluskey doesn’t say a word — she just goes back to looking for Toby while Felicia runs away.
Back at Business Conference About Business 2011, Lee and Lynette are doing some ikebana. That’s the art of Japanese flower arrangement. I’m an expert in this, because I’ve seen Lost In Translation like, twice. Lynette is, of course, not into it because she feels like they’re doing lameass girly stuff and being patronized. And you know what? She’s right. Lee is getting tired of Lynette’s bitching, but Lynette doesn’t care — she asks everyone why they aren’t pissed off since they’re being patronized and expected to be housewives (or househusbands, in Lee’s case) from the ’50s. Then she’s like, “This lanyard is no better than a burqa!” The leader sort of freaks out about that.
“Holy crap, that’s one of those Islam words! Shut it down, people! SHUT IT DOWN!”
Lynette’s still going on her tirade about “rising up” and stuff . . . and then the host lady is all, Time for cocktails! And of course everyone runs right over to them like moths to a flame. I know I would! Lynette is still spouting her socialist Wisconsin union rigamarole, but she finally gives in to the tasty goodness of rum. Atta girl.
Bree and Gabby (yay!) are eating a pineapple upside down cake on Lynette’s couch. Gabby’s all, This is the best one you’ve ever made! Bree: “You know why? It has an ingredient my cakes have never had before: Danger.” Hahahaha! Love it. Gabby says that sneaking around makes everything better and when she was with John Rowland, everything was better . . . but Bree wouldn’t understand that. Bree’s all, Oh yeah? Gabby: “You cheated on Rex?!” Bree: “Of course not, what do you take me for?! I cheated on Orson!” Hee! Then Bree tells Gabby about her affair with Karl Meyer (aww, R.I.P. Karl Meyer, you sexy son of a bitch). Bree tells Gabby that they met in a motel, and that gives Gabby an idea. Bree: “Gabby I’m flattered, but I really don’t think we should –” Gabby: “Not that.” Hahahaha! You know, I think I said before that I miss the old Bree, but I’m beginning to warm up to this looser version. Gabby tells her about a new spa that they should go to next week. Yay!
Susan tells Mike that she went to see Paul because the house was in disarray, and so was Paul. Mike wonders why she was talking to Paul.
I wonder why Mike doesn’t take that damn robe off.
Susan says she’s worried about Paul. Mike is all, “Who cares?”
I care about Mike’s robe and why he’s still wearing it.
Susan brings up the kidney and says that Paul seems so sad that she feels like she needs to be a friend to him, but she promises not to see him again. Susan goes off to take a shower when someone else shows up to join her. But it’s not Mike. It’s –
This yummy DILF.
Paul begins kissing Susan . . . and then Susan wakes up from her sex dream. So, wait. Was that entire scene a dream? Did Mike not really tell Susan to stay away from Paul? In this recapper’s opinion: Yes. We’ll see if this makes sense later.
Lynette takes off her lanyard and goes up to Tom, telling him that she totally needs to see Chris Cavanaugh give his Business Speech About Business. Tom says that he can’t pull any strings and take her in with him. Here’s an idea: If it’s an issue of seating, why can’t they just put a live feed of the speech onto a television in another room, that way the “plus ones” who want to see the speech still can? Idiots. However, if they did that, we wouldn’t have the Lynette mishegoss that we love so much. The host lady finds Lynette and tells her that it’s spa time.
McCluskey and Felicia are having coffee. Felicia: “I remembered you like your coffee like you like your men: Strong and Irish.” Hee. McCluskey asks her how she got out of jail so soon and Felicia tells her that her only daughter passed away and that’s why she was released. McCluskey is all, “I didn’t know you had a daughter.” And for a second I was confused, but I guess no one else knows that Beth was Felicia’s daughter. Felicia tells her that McC totally knew her — “Her name was Beth, Beth Young.” McCluskey needs Felicia to Irish up her coffee a bit more thanks to that news.
Susan is with her doctor and asks her if it’s common for patients “to have sex dreams about the husbands of their dead donors.” The doc says that she’s not a psychologist, but she does say that maybe the dreams are a way of telling Susan to follow her impulse to help Paul through his grief. She says that Mike really doesn’t want her to talk to him (really? You sure that wasn’t just in a dream?), but the doc says that the dreams might not stop until she does actually help Paul. You know what? I think I’d be okay with the dreams not stopping. Oh yeah — I might take Paul over Mike. Or under Mike. Thank you! I’m here all night!
Back at Felicia’s house, she tells McC about how Paul wrote to Beth and how Beth fell in love with him. Felicia tried to warn Beth, but she fell in love with Paul anyway. Then Paul told Beth how she was stupid and didn’t deserve to live, so she killed herself, just like Paul knew she would. Oh, Felicia. Why you pretendin’ you didn’t say the exact same things to Beth? You diabolical whore. McC asks why Felicia wants to live next to Paul and Felicia says that she needs to watch him. McC says she’s gonna watch him too and she’ll help Felicia in any way she can. Felicia says she’s lucky to have a friend like McCluskey.
At the spa, Lynette is still seething when Meg Butler comes up yelling on her cell phone about firing someone because he was bad at business and stuff. Meg goes off to soak in the hot tub, and Lynette takes this opportunity to steal Meg’s lanyard and hide her clothes! Uh-oh, Lynnie Sue, what are you up to now? She goes to the seminar, where some guy tells “Meg Butler” that there’s a seat for her up front. Turns out, Meg Butler is supposed to introduce Chris Cavanaugh. Oh, dip!
“Oh, that’s great because Meg is really powerful and President of something business-y and WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!”
Lynette grudgingly goes up to the podium, where Tom sees her and sharts himself a little. Lynette says that Meg asked her to introduce Chris because she’s such a fan of his. Then she riffs a little bit.
“Most of what I’ve learned about business I’ve learned from the 164 fights about business I’ve had with my husband, Tom. Tommy, stand up so I can berate you!”
She tells people to buy the book because it makes people smarter and Chris has a lot to say about “human nature.”
So did Madonna. I like her advice better.
I’m not your bitch! Don’t hang your shit on me! Just when Lynette is sounding competent and, you know, not insane, Meg Butler arrives and announces that Lynette is the “bitch” who stole her lanyard and clothes. Lynette is all, “LadiesandgentlemenChrisCavanaugh!” and runs off. Hee!
Susan is back to see Paul. He doesn’t want to let her in, but Susan says that he’s a mess and someone needs to help him. She tells him that she’s having dreams about him, involving “lots of daylight, lots of clothes.” Ha! Paul lets her in and she notices that he has ingredients on the kitchen island to make potato leek soup, but he hasn’t started. Susan offers to help him make some soup.
Over at Tom and Lynette’s house, they’re back from the conference, and Renee decides to pay them a visit.
“Sup. Apparently I’m contractually obligated to say a couple things and pretend to give a crap. Let’s get it over with.”
Renee asks if Lynette found her a nice rich single guy, but Tom’s all, No but my wife was crazy at the conference. Renee asks them if they’re having a fight. Which, they are, because it’s a day of the week that ends in “y.” Renee decides to stick around anyway while Tom tells her he embarrassed her. Lynette tells him to let it go, but he won’t, because after all those years he supported her and “took a back seat to her career,” she couldn’t do the same for him. Lynette is silent and Tom walks away. Lynette tells Renee that she felt like a second-class citizen and Renee’s all, Yeah that’s called being a wife. Which is true in this case, but in general? Not really a cool thing to say. She tells Lynette that she can be “a wife, or [she] can be a first wife.” Ouch.
Mini Tirade: I feel bad for Vanessa Williams. They are doing absolutely zero with her character and if I were her, I’d be pretty pissed off. Why even have her around if all Renee is doing is giving Lynette three sentences of advice every week? I thought they wasted Dana Delaney as Katherine last year, but this is even worse. Either get rid of her, or better yet, give her something interesting to do. Give her a man with a shady past. Make the interior design business that she and Lynette started (remember that? Do you, writers? Do you?!) have some actual, you know, work to do. Have her sleep around with Paul Young! That would be great and scandalous! Just give poor Vanessa Williams something to do, jerkasses.
Gabby’s in the kitchen, where she stupidly put a piece of pineapple upside down cake on the counter. Did she forget that Carlos isn’t blind anymore? Geez. Carlos says it reminds him of the cake Bree brought for dinner the other month. Gabby is all, Bree didn’t make it because I’m not seeing her, and I made it, you silly goose! Carlos is all, “The woman who ordered in Chinese for Christmas dinner made a pineapple upside down cake.” I don’t know. We’ve seen Gabby cooking before, many times. And she was never made fun of for her lack of cooking skills. That’s Susan’s thing. Ugh, I’ll just go with it. So, of course, Carlos says it looks so good that he wants her to make one for him right now. And of course he’s going to sit and watch her. Isn’t this where Juanita should come running down the stairs, all, “Me smell cake! Me want cake! ME WANT CAKE!!”? No? We’re not going to do that this week? Okay, then.
Gabby’s all, I’ll get some flour . . . and oops I spilled it all over me! “Maybe I should take my top off,” and why don’t we go upstairs and do it? Gabby goes upstairs to change and calls Bree on her Bluetooth all desperate and Bree says she’ll bake the cake and sneak it over. But since Carlos wants to watch Gabby make it, what will they do? Remember the Bluetooth? Yeah you do. Turns out, Bree will walk Gabby through it over the phone while Gabby hides her Bluetooth in her hair. Bluetooth! Bree talks Gabby through it while Gabby’s all, “I’ll need butter . . . How much butter?” Carlos asks who she’s talking to and Gabby says it’s her dead grandma, who taught her to make it. She’s all, “How much butter, grandma?” Hee.
Paul and Susan are eating their soup, which Paul says is pretty good. Susan: “If you don’t taste the wine . . . It’s cuz I drank it.” Hahahaha! Yay for New Kidney Susan! Then things get kind of sad. Susan says the last time they had dinner together was when Mary Alice was alive. Paul asks her why she cares so much about taking care of him. Meanwhile, Mike drops M.J. off at McCluskey’s for his and Susan’s Sexathon 2011. McCluskey points out that Susan’s over at Paul’s house.
“I could have sworn I dream-told her not to do that.”
Susan tells Paul that she remembers Paul teaching Julie to ride a bike, barbecuing, and how he had a laugh you could hear “three houses away. I liked that guy.” Paul says he’s not that guy anymore and Susan says she thinks he can be. Sad. Single tear. I really feel sorry for Paul, you guys. I would totally comfort him. Down there. Mike shows up and Susan runs outside to tell him that everyone has turned their back on Paul and she’s going to help him. Mike says it’s because Paul is a bad guy (um, you’re the one who was going to shoot him in the head, Mike, so . . . yeah). Susan says she’s not an idiot (oh geez) and she won’t get into trouble. Mike says Susan doesn’t know Paul, but Susan says she knows the look in someone’s eyes when he’s sinking and she won’t leave until Paul is okay. She goes back in to talk to Paul and says she’ll keep doing it whether or not Mike supports her.
Bree and Gabby’s cakes are done! Bree’s is, of course, fantastic. Gabby’s is . . . a pile of what I can only assume is hamster barf. Carlos yells from another room that he heard the oven go off, so Gabby covers it with a tea towel to “cool on the windowsill” since the secret of the cake is in the cooling. Hahaha, whatever. That’s silly. Bree hears this and is about to run over to Gabby’s with the cake. She opens her door to a bunch of Girl Scouts who are collecting money for juvenile diabetes, all, “Out of my way! HOT CAKE!” Hahahahaha! I love funny Bree! Gabby distracts Carlos to yell to him about “trust,” and while she’s doing this, Bree switches Gabby’s cake with hers. Yay!
At Susan and Mike’s apartment, Mike’s set the table and lit some candles. Awww, so sweet! He’s holding two glasses of champagne, so I guess Susan can drink alcohol. Be prepared for next week when the doctor tells her she can’t have alcohol for 4 months. Asinine. Mike tells Susan that he decided not to make the Paul thing a big deal and just go for the romance. And the boning. He says that Susan is just being Susan — he can’t stay mad at her for being such a kind woman. Also, he’s had a rager for six weeks that needs to be taken care of, so that’s a big factor too.
Gabby’s leaving for her “model friend’s funeral” (she’s actually going to the spa with Bree). Carlos says it’s meant a lot to him that she’s not seeing Bree. He hugs her, asking about her new coat (she got it this week) and he finds a red hair on the coat. Oopsie-daisies! Gabby’s all, “I took Juanita to a kid’s party and hugged a clown.” Ha! Carlos opens her suitcase to find bikinis and spa crap. He knows that Gabby is going to see Bree and he expected her to choose him over her. He feels like she puts her girlfriends ahead of him, but Gabby says that’s not true. Then he lays down the gauntlet — choose Bree or himself. Yeowza! Evil!
Mary Alice talks about regret and secrets. You know, the usual. Gabby knocks on Bree’s door, looking sad. She tells Bree that there’s been a change of plans. She says Carlos knows and asks if she can stay with Bree for awhile. Bree is all, Of course you can. Awwww! Friendship! And then Gabby’s all, “Okay girls, go on.” She brought her kids too! Hahahaha!
“Oh, of course you can stay because you’re such a good friend and I love you and I see you brought your girls and WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!”
Next week: Carlos and Gabby fight! Bree and Gabby fight about Juanita and Celia (that’s going to be so funny!)! Felicia may be poisoning Paul! A cop shows up and asks if Bree killed Mama Solis!? Oh no!