Desperate Housewives: Cookie Monster!

Recaps

By Hypnotoad | Wednesday, May 11, 2011 | 6:00 am | 30 Comments
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Posted in: Desperate Housewives, Featured, Recaps

Here we are, kids!  The antepenultimate episode of Desperate Housewives!  Sorry about the lackluster minicap.  I *may* do something special next week, but there are two episodes and I’m . . . well, I’m lazy people.  I mean, we’re lucky if I even get a recap done each week.  Let’s get started.

Mary Alice says that Susan is nice to a fault and just can’t resist lending a hand, which is basically just a nice way of saying, “Girl likes to butt in on everyone’s business all the time.”  She even gives money to street performing mimes.

DH72101Remember, people:  When you shoot a mime, use a silencer.

Thanks, Stephen Wright!  Paul’s in Fairview Memorial Hospital, in the Wisteria Lane Plot Development Wing.  Seriously.  That one street keeps this entire hospital afloat.  Susan apologizes for asking him to move out of the house — she didn’t mean it to sound like she wanted him out.  Susan leaves so the doctor can give Paul his diagnosis.  Or prognosis.  Whatever.

DH72102“Now, there’s probably nothing to worry about.  I’m just going to ask you some simple questions.  One:   How do you feel about monkey heart transplants?”

Turns out the doctor says it’s not a heart attack.  And unless he’s pregnant or poisoned, his nausea and stuff is caused by stress.  Paul’s like, Whooooaaa, poison?  Luckily, this doctor had a patient when he was an intern, and this patient’s wife was putting antifreeze in his oatmeal every morning!  Wow!  Paul got a doctor who knows what antifreeze poisoning symptoms look like?!  What are the odds?  Then again, this is the Fairview Memorial Wisteria Lane Plot Development Wing.  Anything goes here.  Paul begins to suspect that Susan is poisoning him, methinks.  When he’s ready to go, Susan asks him what she can make him for dinner.  And Paul’s all, “I’m sure anything you bring will be a huge help to me.”  Uh-oh!  Credits.

DH72103

Mary Alice says that we all have moments of dread.  Like the moment you had that time I called you back with the results of my syph test.  Apparently, dread equals scary in Mary Alice’s purgatory world, because she segues right into Juanita and Gabby watching a scary movie.  Carlos comes home and is all, Why is Juanita watching “Bloody Stranger 2?”  He says that it’s just a bunch of slutty teenagers getting hacked to death.  Gabby:  “It will teach her a lesson:  Don’t be a slutty teenager.”  Hee.  Carlos is all, This movie is too violent, but Gabby and Juanita are all, We know it’s totally fake!  (Juanita:  “Duh.  There’s no way a spear gun could shoot through three heads.”  Gabby:  “Exactly!  Two maybe!  Maybe . . .”  Hee!)  Gabby tells Carlos to relax cuz Juanita can handle it.

. . . Until it’s night and she barges in on Gabby and Carlos, all, The bloody stranger ax murderer was outside and he’s going to come in and kill me and I’m totally scared!

DH72104“Not gonna lie — I’m mostly scared that there isn’t any cake left.”

Gabby tells her that it’s all pretend, but she wants to sleep with them.  Carlos says he’ll sleep in Juanita’s bed.  But Celia’s in Juanita’s bed.  Carlos says he’ll sleep in Celia’s bed.  But Celia wet her bed.  Carlos is all, “Come on in.”  Hahaha!  You know what Valerie A. Brotski?  For a first time DH writer you are bringing it this week!  You have passed our test, Valerie A. Brotski, and you are free to join us.

Hey, Tom’s home just in time for Taco Night!  Olé!  Do families really do this?  Have one specific meal for each night of the week?  We never did that in the Hypnotoad household.  Although it seemed like every night of the week that ended in “–day” was Spaghetti Night.  We had spaghetti a lot.  And pot pies.  The whole Scavo family is there for dinner, which is nice.  I like it when they’re all together.  Also, Tom has some great news:  He planned a family vacation . . . to Hawaii!  You know what this means!

DH72105Ohmigod Tom, no!!  That tiki statue may look cool, but it’s cursed!  CURSED!

Oh yeah.  I have mad photoshop skills.  For some reason, Lynette is pissed that Tom bought tickets to Hawaii for the entire family.  Why, you ask?  Is it because Lynette hates poi?  Is it because Lynette is allergic to sunlight like those kids in The Others?  Is it because Lynette is still seething about the overthrow of Queen Lili’uokalani in January of 1893?  Is it because Lynette hated the final episode of Lost so much that she can’t even stand to see the island on which it was filmed?  Sadly, all of these reasons seem rational compared to the real reason why Lynette doesn’t want to go to Hawaii on her husband’s dime:  She’s planned the Scavo vacations for 16 years and she’s already spent two weeks planning a — wait for it, wait for it — CAMPING TRIP.  There’s one funny part where Lynette crushes Tom’s taco shell with her hand.

DH72106According to the director’s commentary for this episode, the taco shell represents testicles.

Again, I love Lynette.  You love Lynette.  We all love Lynette.  She was one of the best things about seasons 2, 3, and 4.  She’s gorgeous.  She’s hilarious when she’s drunk.  She’s the cool mom who doesn’t post stupid shit on Facebook about how her kids are her ENTIRE LIFE and how it’s so cute when they poop all over the house (if you’re one of those moms, for the love of god, STOP.).  Let’s face it — we would all hang out with Lynette Scavo, because she’s awesome.  But.  We all know how this season has been treating her as a character, and sadly, this episode is no exception.  Understandably, everyone else is excited about the trip, especially when they find out Tom bought them freaking first class tickets.  And admittedly, Tom is kind of obnoxious with all his “I’m the best husband ever!” crap.  And I can understand that Lynette’s hurt that Tom didn’t talk to her about it first, but come the eff on — it’s Hawaii!  Get over it, Lynette!  They have bars IN THE POOL!  I believe Grace Adler said it best:  “I swear, swimming any other way than drunk is just stupid.”

Oh my gosh, we’re not even done with the credits.  I need to step it up, people!  Susan’s at M.J.’s school (which, for the record, looks absolutely nothing like M.J.’s school did last season).  She’s trying to get the attention of the principal.  Turns out she has sent him tons of emails asking for her old job back, but he thinks her stint as a cleaning whore would be a bad reputation for the school to have.  Susan says she made a mistake, but she deserves a second chance.  The principal says that the parents’ council has a lot of sway at the school, so if she could convince them . . . Susan says she’ll give it a whirl.

Bree’s on her way out the door when who should show up but Detective Chuck.  Did you guys know that he’s British in real life?  And that his last name is Cake?  Now you do.  Impress your friends with that bit of knowledge the next time you’re all together at the Olive Garden. Bree never called him and he says that he’ll ask her out one more time and that’s it.  They have some witty back and forth and Bree agrees to go out with him on Thursday at 8pm.  Which is oddly specific, but it’s nice, since usually people on tv shows are all, “So you wanna go out tomorrow night?”  “Sure!”  “Okay, bye!” without leaving any other details.

Paul grabs a tuna noodle casserole from the fridge and takes it to a lab to be tested for antifreeze.

DH72107Tonight on another gripping episode of CSI: Topeka — Bart organizes the lab’s monthly potluck.

Renee walks up to Bree and begs her to be involved in her plot this week, since she doesn’t have anything of her own.  Well, that’s basically what happens.  Bree tells her that she has a date with Detective Chuck and Renee wants to hear all about him, except Bree doesn’t really know anything about him.  Renee says that she doesn’t go on a date with anyone until she knows everything about him, which sounds exactly like one of those stupid background check commercials.  She offers to do a full background check on Chuck.

DH72108“No stranger comes around my growing family without a background check.  Or beef jerky.  If the stranger has beef jerky, then f**k it, he’s in.”

Lee is over at Gabby’s house where they’re talking about how Lee used to be all scared and stuff, but he outgrew it.  Um, something tells me he didn’t.  Lee is . . . not the butchest of men, to be polite.  Gabby tells Lee to talk to Juanita, “give her one of those ‘it gets better’ speeches you gays love so much.”  Hee.  Juanita says that she sees a scary man standing on their lawn.  Relax, sweetie, it’s probably just John Rowland hoping to get some more Gabby muffin.  Lee tells Juanita that he had nightmares because his brother told him that there was an insane asylum on the edge of town where inmates would escape and kill kids.  One summer They found 3 kids dead in a ravine.  Oddly enough, this inspirational tale doesn’t help Juanita at all.  Lee’s all, Juanita has nothing to be afraid of — my story was way scarier than hers.

Susan arrives at the parents’ council meeting late (of course), and no one wants her to sit by them.  It’s like she’s a way hotter Forrest Gump and the parents’ council is the bus and the ladies are the braindead redneck dirty hick children.  Oh, hey, Beth Littleford is in charge of the meeting!  I loved her on The Daily Show!  Dana (Beth Littleford) basically tells Susan they don’t need her help because she’s a big ole whore.  Susan tells the ladies of the parents’ council that, yes, she made mistakes because her family had a crappy year, but she was a “damn good teacher” when she was at the school and she hopes that they will welcome her back.  She’d like to earn their forgiveness.  Dana says that Susan can pick up the streamers.  Wah wah wah waaaaaaahhhhh.

Right before Bree’s date, Renee shows up with the background check on Detective Chuck.  Bree hopes he’s not a dirty cop.  Or a democrat.  Hee.  Bree opens the report and the doorbell rings.  Chuck takes Bree out for their date.

DH72109“Well, apparently that’s it for me this week.  If you want me, I’ll be in my trailer getting hammered and throwing empty bottles of Night Train at a photo of Marc Cherry in a drunken fit of rage.”

At the restaurant, Bree tells Chuck that she wants to know everything about him.  He gives her a few deets and then says that he has two kids.  Bree’s all, So you were married, huh?  He says it didn’t work out.  And then Bree’s like, When were you going to tell me that you’re still married?  Really, Bree?  People who boned Karl Meyer repeatedly in a shady motel room while their paraplegic husband sat home alone contemplating suicide shouldn’t throw stones.  Chuck says that he’s separated and hasn’t spoken to his wife in a year.  Bree’s still got a stick up her ass when Chuck tells her that he knows about her 2nd husband, “the hit-and-run driver.”  Touche!  Then he’s all, “Who was creepier?  Him or that pharmacist who killed himself while you were dating?”  Holy. Shit.  You guys.  A reference to a past season!?!  A reference that is actually ACCURATE?!  Oh, Valerie A. Brotski, you are good.  You are very, very good.  You can stick around, my friend.  Turns out Chuck pulled Bree’s police file.  Bree is pissed that Chuck did this and stalks out of the restaurant.

More Tom and Lynette stuff.  Let’s see how short I can make this, since we all know what’s going down.  Lynette’s still pissed about the Hawaii thing because even though Tom’s in charge at the office, he’s not in charge of the family (wow, Lynette, seriously?).  They argue some more.  Then they agree to each make a pitch to the kids about their vacations, then Tom wants to have sex, but Lynette says no.  You could pop in a season 1 DVD (or 2, 3, 4, 5, or 6), randomly select an episode, and get a scene exactly like this.  Next.

I guess Chuck drove Bree to the restaurant because he’s taking her back home.  He spies a guy soliciting a prostitute and tells him to move along, then tells the hooker to get in the car with him.  He’s taking her to the women’s shelter.  When they get there, the hooker says that she’ll never get her life together, but Chuck says that Bree used to be a hooker too — one day she decided to get her shit together and she started her own catering company.  Bree’s pissed at first, but then goes along with it when she sees that the hooker finds this inspirational.  After she leaves, Chuck tells Bree that he was out of line, but he figured since Bree was already pissed at him, that he’d give it a shot.

DH72110“You guys have really inspired me.  From now on, I won’t do anything butt-related.  Unless the guy pays me extra up front.  Watch out, world!”

Paul’s tuna casserole test results are back.

DH72111“There’s no easy way to say this.  We found a growth and . . . The tuna casserole has about 3, 4 months, tops.  I suggest you make his last few moments comfortable, and cherish the time you have left together.”

There was antifreeze in the casserole, but not enough to kill Paul.  The lab dude does say that if Paul consumed antifreeze on a daily basis, he’d get nauseous and junk and end up dead.

Gabby’s trying to put up a tent on the front lawn when Carlos shows up from work.  Gabby’s going to prove to Juanita that there’s nothing to be scared of and being the great parent that he is, Carlos says he’s not going to stay outside with them and Gabby will have to take care of this herself.  Way to be there for your kid, jerkass.

At Chuck’s office, Bree shows up to make some amends.  She says that she was confused after their date, since she was mad about the background check stuff and oddly touched about the whole hooker deal.  Bree says she wasn’t being fair and Chuck agrees that he wasn’t being fair either.  He says that they’re both a little rusty on the whole dating thing, and they should just go out on a regular date.  Right now.  And so they go for a lunch date.

Over at Susan’s house, Felicia’s getting a little tired of listening to Susan ramble on about her problems with the parents’ council.

DH72112“Oh god, she’s insufferable.  I want to kill myself.  If only I had some pois– Hey!”

Felicia asks how Paul is doing, since she heard he went to the hospital.  Susan tells her that they think it’s stress, but she wants him to get more testing.  Felicia says that he just needs rest and good food, like the cookies Susan is making for him right now.  When Susan goes to get a pan or something, Felicia pours some antifreeze in the cookie mix.

Time for more Tom and Lynette stuff.  Go ahead and go to the bathroom, or get some ice cream.  Or gin.  No need to pause or wait for the commercial, since you know what’s coming.  Lynette somehow got giant photos printed of the Grand Canyon and big sequoias.  And one of a big-ass roller coaster, which excites the kids.  Tom asks if the R.V. will be crowded with all of them, at which point Lynette breaks out a giant photo of a huge-ass R.V.  Yeah, does an R.V. have black sand beaches and all the spam you can eat?  No. It does not.  Lame, Lynette.  I vote for Hawaii.

Gabby and Juanita are having their little camp out, but Juanita’s still a little scared.  So scared that she’s wearing a hockey goalie mask.  Or, I don’t know, a lacrosse mask.  A Canadian football mask.  Some sportsketball mask thing.  Gabby tells her that there’s no killer — it’s an actor in the movie.  She says it’s okay to be scared, but it’s all in your head, and you have to be able to calm that fear and conquer it.  Which is actually really good advice.  From Gabby.  Good advice.  From Gabby.  All of a sudden, a shadow appears on the tent.  A shadow . . . with an ax!

DH72113“Hey, I’m Ed with the ABC production team.  I’m looking for Vanessa Williams’ career?”

Gabby and Juanita both scream as the ax killer unzips the tent!  Turns out it’s Lee.  He wanted to show Juanita that not everything that looks scary actually *is* scary in real life.

DH72114Well, not usually.

Tom’s just finishing up his DVD presentation on Hawaii, which includes helicopter rides over volcanoes and swimming with dolphins.  The kids are totes excited about this.  But then Lynette has to ruin their fun, because Season 7 Lynette is only happy when she crushes other peoples’ dreams, especially those of her family.  So, she shows them big photos of sharks and helicopter crashes.  Tom makes the reasonable statement that car crashes cause more deaths than helicopter crashes, and then they start raising their voices.

DH72115Like dogs before an earthquake, the Scavo children are remarkably adept at sensing an upcoming fight about business and personal goals moments before the event actually occurs.

The kids go upstairs to discuss where they want to go on vacation, leaving Tom and Lynette alone with their raging Fight Boners.  Tom calls Lynette a hypocrite because 10 years ago she told him that when he starts making money he can start making decisions.  So he yells that now that he’s making the big bucks he gets to decide how they spend it.  Ugh, this is already so damn exhausting.  Lynette says they should be equal partners (since when, Lynette?  Since that scene 10 minutes ago when you said Tom was in charge at work but you’re in charge of the family?).  Tom yells that she can’t stand to not have any power and can’t stand Tom running the show.  He says that Lynette can’t handle his “successss,” lingering on the “s” sound at the end for a weirdly long amount of time.  Lynette’s all, “YOU can’t handle your success, you’ve turned into a pompous ass!”  Tom:  “Maybe because it’s turned you into a raging bitch!”  Oh, and it turns out Penny heard all of this.  Way to go, Tom and Lynette.

DH72116“I — liked — it — bet — better — in the — base — basement!”

Aw, poor Penny.  Go on down and lock yourself up and I’ll be down with a bucket of fish heads in a minute, okay sweetie?  There you go.  That’s better, isn’t it?

Gabby and Juanita are trying to sleep when another shadow shows up on the tent.  Gabby assumes it’s Lee and tells him that she will kill him if he tries that shit again.  Except it’s not Lee.  It’s some shadowy dude with a hat.

Lynette shows up in her and Tom’s bedroom, telling Tom that Penny is really upset and doesn’t know what to choose — not meaning the vacation, but who she’ll live with when Tom and Lynette get divorced.  Tom wonders why she thinks that.  Probably because of the fight you just had, Tom, or probably because of the 32 fights you have with Lynette every.  Single.  DAY!  Idiot.  Tom says their fights should stop, because he’s afraid Lynette will bite his head off whenever he opens his mouth.  Rude.  He does admit that he’s gone a lot.  Lynette says, “I think we’re the ones that need a vacation,” and just when I’m thinking, “Yes!  Please!  Take some time away from each other, for the love of all things good and holy,” Lynette says that the two of them should get away for the weekend.  Together.  Ummmmm, no.  That’s not the answer I was looking for.  Tom says they’ll do it this weekend, but he has to check with the office, which annoys Lynette, and they have a mini fight.  No sex tonight!

Susan’s at the open house with the streamers.  She happens to have the chocolate chip poison cookies in the car, which Dana thinks is great, because a couple people flaked out on the refreshments.  Susan is all, Oh, yeah, of course, they’re for the open house.  Dana says that maybe they should take Susan back after all.  I’m sure a weekend of stomach pumping will change her mind back, though.

For some reason, Susan goes back to Wisteria Lane to give Paul some lasagna.  I’m not sure why she didn’t just do this on her way over to the open house, but whatever.  Paul wants her to have some lasagna with him, because, you know, he wants to see if she’d eat her own poisoned food, but Susan says she needs to get back to the school.  Paul tells her to stab him with the knife because it will be faster and Susan’s all, I have no idea what you’re talking about.  Paul tells her the food is poisoned and Susan’s all, I was the only one who made food for you and I ohhhhhhhhhhhh shhhiiiiit.  She realizes that Felicia has been poisoning the food (but she doesn’t tell Paul this) and runs out to stop people from eating the cookies.

Susan arrives at the open house to find that her cookies have already been put out for people to eat.  She then knocks cookies out of peoples’ hands and does some other poisoned cookie-related hijinks to get people to stop eating them.  She runs into a snag when she finds out that other people have made chocolate chip cookies and they’re all on plates, mixed together, so she knocks those to the floor.  But it’s too late.  People are taking cookies.  Cookies!  COOOOOKKKKKKKKIIIIIIEEEESSS!  Dana’s up at the microphone and Susan runs up to tell people that her cookies are poison.  People laugh, even though if that was an actual attempt at a joke, it still wouldn’t be funny.  Like, at all.  She’s all, “No!  My cookies WILL kill you!”  And right then, Paul shows up with some cops to arrest Susan.

Mary Alice says we all have moments of dread.  As Gabby brushes her hair, she looks out her window, but she doesn’t see the mysterious man who’s lurking around outside in the shadows, looking up at her.  Just who is this Mystery Man?  I have my own theory.

Dh72117John Rowland has not aged well.

Next Week:  Murder!  Break up!  A new man!  A gay club!  2 hours!  Gabby gets stabbed or . . . surprised or something.  I can’t tell.


Hypnotoad
About

Hypnotoad is a 2009 graduate of the MFA Writing program at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. He was a staple of the Chicago Quickies reading series, has been published in various Art Institute publications, and served as an actor/playwright for the Curious Theatre Branch's Rhinoceros Festival. His works have been online at Fiction At Work and is included in their short story collection. A victim of the crappy economy, he is now living back in Kansas. With his parents. His days now consist of perusing Yahoo Hot Jobs, and sporadically posting horrible ideas on his blog. Good times.

30 Comments

  1. 1
    Michelle
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Great recap!!! I loved the Season 2 ref about Richard the pharm killing Rex. I loved that storyline!!! Damn it was good!!! I posted a comment on your mini cap that the guy with the hat watching Gabby was her dad or stepdad that molested her when she was little. But did one of them die or something when she was little??? Do you think he was there for Juanita??? Also, why didn’t Susan tell Paul right away that Felicia was helping her cook. Quit giving Susan more drama!!! She has been through enough. I really want to see Felicia and Paul go at it. Felicia is starting to get in my nerves. I love Paul!!! Why haven’t they shown Gabby and Carlos trying to get Grace back??? Why wouldn’t they want her??? She is they’re own daughter??? There was never any closure on that story??? Are Juanita’s parents still on the run??? Did immigration catch up to them??? So many unanswered questions???

  2. 2
    Mila
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 8:36 am

    Tom really should have told Lynette that she don’t have to go through 2 weeks of pondering about their vacations. A “Yes, for 16 years you did a great job but why don’t you leave it to me this time?” would have been great…

    Michelle: Gabby went to her home town to say stuff to the grave of her molesting dad.

  3. 3
    Michelle
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 9:27 am

    Thanks Mila. I remember that episode but maybe he isn’t really dead??? What about her stepdad??? Or could the guy be someone from Gabby or Carlos past??? Hypnotoad tell us what you think???

  4. 4
    paganchick
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Gabby’s father was a good man who died when Gabby was really young. There was this great episode when Lynette had cancer about how Gabby had to visit her dad and smile the whole time because her mother wouldn’t let her be sad in front of him.
    Her stepfather was the one who molested her and then raped her as a teenager. We found that out when her mom was an episode or two during the Carlos and Gabby trying to have, adopt, or hire someone to have their baby story line. Turns out the mother knew but blamed Gabby for seducing her husband.
    As of the most recent storyline involving her childhood sexual abuse, her stepfather is also dead as she was supposed to read her letter to his grave but ended up reading to the nun who didn’t believe her instead.
    I am also curious about who this guy is, maybe the stepfather isn’t dead after all.Or, maybe it has something to do with the Grace storyline that turned into the weird doll obsession (so glad that shit is over with).

  5. 5
    ellemck1
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 11:06 am

    1. Gee… Camping Trip or Hawaii? Camping Trip or Hawaii? Tent or Hotel Room? Outhouse or nice bathroom? Car or First Class Plane? Come on, this is easy! Screw camping, let’s go to Hawaii!

    2. I hope I’m never one of those mothers on FB… I’d hate it. Even if I look like I love it, I’m hating life. I hope someone knows that now.

    Okay, back to reading. Just wanted to say before I forgot.

  6. 6
    ellemck1
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 11:37 am

    I was so happy to see a previous season reference that was done properly!!! The poisoning pharmacist! Poor Renee, she really did get an axe in her career here it seems. Why do the writers keep piling stuff on Susan?! She always gets this stuff. However, it seems like the writer didn’t totally drop the ball this week (I haven’t watched it yet. Work schedule has changed, and I had to rewatch Game of Thrones last night.) And Gawd, Carlos, either take off your shirt or stop being a douche! This behavior is getting irritating. Although if the shirt is off I promise I won’t notice.

    It’s probably Gabby’s step-dad. Because some writer out there is dropping the “he’s supposed to be dead” ball. Or they want a soap-opera twist.

    And dang, that fight sounds like the final blowup, only to end with the two of them taking a vacation together. Because that’s gonna go well. Penny, go live with your daddy when it all goes to Splits. He hasn’t turned into a shrew. Or maybe live with your mom’s mom. She’s rich, right? You could do that…

    Recap left me in fits of giggling as always. :)

  7. 7
    Bioscotto
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    T and L (I’m still not acknowledging them with their full names!) are being stupid and dumb and whoever decided this storyline needed to be dragged out this long should be shot.

    Besides that…I’m interested to see where they go with everything else. Who is that man? What will Susan do? Or, more to the point, what will Paul do when Susan tells them what’s going on? What will FELICIA do?? Will Renee get more than three minutes of screen time? THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS THAT MATTER, PEOPLE!

  8. 8
    Clair Clair
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    Hypo, hurry up and tell us your theory on the Mystery Man!

  9. 9
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    Obviously, Betty Applewhite has had gender reassignment surgery as well as racial reassignment surgery, and has come back to the Lane as the Mystery Man to get revenge. That’s my theory.

    My real theory, though, is that the Mystery Man is Gabby’s father. At first I thought he’d be her stepfather, because we’ve been hearing a lot about that this season, but I don’t think they’re going there. One of two things will happen: Her father won’t have actually died of cancer — he had to, I don’t know, go into hiding for some reason, or some other lame reason. I don’t know. OR. The man Gabby thought was her actual father wasn’t really her REAL father, and it turns out that this guy is her REAL dad.

    Now, it’s possible that this guy is her stepfather, but I think they’ve closed the door on that plot. But I wouldn’t be completely surprised if this turned out to be the case. And it’s possible that this Mystery Man could be Carlos’ dad — I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case, either.

    Michelle — Grace’s parents took her with them to Texas to live with relatives so that they wouldn’t get deported by the INS. Gabby gave her a hug and said goodbye. I’m kind of glad they’re done with that plot (mostly because it led to the heinous doll thing). I don’t see them coming back to it, though.

    I felt *really* bad for Penny in this episode. Poor kid. My parents never, ever fought in front of my sister and me, but if they had, I’d have reacted the same way. But part of me was like, “Are you really surprised, Penny? Don’t they do this all the time?”

    From the looks of the previews it seems like it’s not going to get much better for Tom and Lynette, and I’m kind of glad. If they do go down that road, if they do split Tom and Lynette up, it will give me a new level of respect for the writers.

    Someone else said this last week (?), but this season just seems like it has dragged on and on longer than any other. And I think the same person said that it’s because there’s really no season long mystery arc. Which is spot on. Sure, Paul moved back to Wisteria Lane, but THERE IS NO MYSTERY. We, the audience, already know everything. There’s nothing left to solve, and there wasn’t much of anything to solve in the first place. Paul’s wife? Felicia’s daughter. Who shot Paul? Zach. Paul’s plan? Take over the street, which failed. Who’s poisoning Paul? Felicia. It’s not like the other seasons, when we didn’t know what happened in Mary Alice’s past, or which Applewhite son killed Melanie Foster, or if Orson really did kill Monique/and why he ran over Mike, or what happened to Katherine/Dylan. But starting in season 5, things got sloppy. From the first ep of season 5, we knew who Dave was after and why. In Season 6, Angie pretty much revealed all of her past before the last episodes. I guess there was the strangling thing, but it turned out kind of lame when we found out Eddie was the killer.

    But this season, there’s just not a lot of substance. I have to say that I prefer last season over this one. I constantly trade seasons 1-4 as my top 4, but I think it’s safe to say that this season lands in the bottom of the pile, right before season 5. Here’s my rank as of today 9 (from favorite to least favorite):

    4,3*,1,2,6,7,5
    *I love the first 15 or so eps of Season 3, but they had to solve the mystery early b/c of Marcia Cross’s pregnancy. I loved (LOVED!) that Edie was heavily featured in the last 8 or so episodes, and they were good, but there just wasn’t any of the mystery that I like so much.

  10. 10
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    I want racial reassignment surgery.

    It’s not my fault my parents were such honkies. Do you think it’s easy being this white??

  11. 11
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    They’re STILL doing the Mary Alice voice-overs? Holy @#$%. That must be about as popular with fans as Meredeath’s v.o.s on Grey’s by now.

  12. 12
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    Actually, I don’t have a problem with it. And I haven’t heard anyone else take issues with her voice-overs either. They’re heavy-handed sometimes, and full of cliches, which makes it fun to rag on her, but I think it’s nice that despite all the changes they’ve made on the show, there’s still something that’s remained the same throughout all 7 seasons.

    I don’t like that they haven’t had Mary Alice call Paul her “husband” or Zach her “son” this year, but other than that, I still enjoy her voice-overs. I don’t think the show would be the same without them.

  13. 13
    Mila
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Mary Alice moved on. She has a nicer family now.

    Someone on Wikipedia thinks that the bloody stranger could be Gabby’s stepfather and that she only thinks that he is dead. I don’t really see a reason for him to creep around her house at night, though.

    My idea is that someone from her village, who already was a huge fan, decided to stalk her. Could be fun

  14. 14
    georgiababe
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    The creepy stranger looks super familiar to me, I cannot figure out where I’ve seen that actor before but I feel like he may have been on LOST.

    And btw, if I were going to have a reason not to go to Hawaii, it WOULD be that it’s because LOST was such a good show and then the ending was the WORST OF ALL TIME and so it’s tainted the entire show for me. I just pretend that it stopped at Season 3. That being said, I don’t understand why they couldn’t go to Hawaii AND go camping. Seriously. I absolutely love camping (I guess because I’m an outdoorsy/athletic kind of gal) but I wouldn’t turn down a trip to Hawaii either. Why not do both? I just don’t get it. It’s not like doing both will break the bank, camping isn’t exactly costly. Unless you decide to have a giant RV equipped with everything in which case, why even bother going camping, just stick it in your backyard.

    I think we should storm Wisteria Lane and demand that Hypnotoad become a writing advisor on this show. Or just be head writer. Maybe THEN this show will get back to what it used to be. Marc Cherry used to care about this show, what changed? When he actually cared and was involved, the show was so much better. Seriously.

  15. 15
    Bioscotto
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    That was me with the whole story arc thing…and I stand by it! When you do a continuous drama/dramedy, you have two options. One: Do not connect the shows directly, make each episode basically stand-alone, with some character development along the way (think of Star-Trek episodes and such). Two: Have a season-long story arc to carry the show through. Failure to do either of these formats (like Desperate Housewives has done), and go with some amalgamation of short arcs, makes the show DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG…seriously.

    It boggles my mind that this is the same season that Susan was doing the cleaning-whore thing, the kidney thing, and now the inadvertent poisoning thing. Completely unrelated…and therefore I think they surely must have taken place in different season! But no…ugh…

  16. 16
    Michelle
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Thanks Paganchick and Hypnotoad!!! I remember those episodes but I meant they still kind of left the storyline hanging. The people who have Grace told Gabby on the ep when they went to Texas that they were still on the run. What kind of life is that for a child??? If I found out my child got switched at birth I would be fighting like hell to get it back!!! Gabby and Carlos have money and connections to fight for Grace!!! They could raise all three girls if they can’t bear the fact of giving Juanita up. Also, Juanita kind of knew or was starting to figure it out that something wasn’t right and they just kinda of glossed over it. Also, last week when Carlos was telling Juanita about Mama Solis how she died he was like “so now you know how grandma died”??? She’s not Juanita’s grandma she’s Grace grandma lol!!! I just get mad at the writing on this show sometimes. I love this show still and have been a fan since day 1 and have every season on dvd.

  17. 17
    See-Jay
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    The fact that they’ve taken 53 breaks has definitely contributed to this season’s snail pace. I still think this season is better than 5 & 6. Season 6 had so much filler it was ridiculous, and the mystery was off and on. At least Paul or a character associated with him is in each episode this season.

  18. 18
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    Michelle — I think that they had gotten used to Juanita. After all, it would be unfair of them to take Grace — they’d have to switch Juanita back for her! That would be odd. I’d do the same thing — keep the child I’ve been raising all those years. It’s not always blood that makes family, and it would be hard to let a child go. But I’ll never be in that situation because I DO NOT want kids! Ever!

    Bioscotto — The same thing sort of happened with Veronica Mars. I loved the season long main mysteries. But when the show went to the CW, stinky Dawn Ostroff insisted on having some “mini-mysteries.” So there was an awesome mystery to the first 9 episodes, an okay mystery to the next 5, and then lame one-off stand-alone mystery episodes for the next 6. I think the writing was top-notch in season 3, but I wasn’t digging a lot of stand-alone episodes. And then, of course, the best show that the CW had on the air was canceled. For some stupid Pussycat Dolls bullshit. Dawn Ostroff is an evil human being.

    Bioscotto — Also, I’ve had a hard time remembering if certain plots happened this season or last season. Like with Tom’s mother coming to stay with them and getting senile. It *was* this season, but many times I’ve thought that it happened last year. And I’d forgotten about Keith already. There’s just been no common thread to link everything together. It’s been a pretty crappy season because of that.

    In some ways I hate the splitting up of seasons — Pretty Little Liars has 10 or so episodes in the summer, and then 10 or so more in the winter/spring. But because that show is a lot like Desperate Housewives (characters on that show are even more interchangeable, if you believe that), I think it helps to split it up, make it seem like 2 mini-seasons. Maybe it would have helped DH to do that this year. And certainly, all the myriad of hiatuses they’ve had this year haven’t helped.

    And I HATE camping. Probably because I was in Boy Scouts and we had to go camping all the time, and get up at 5am to clean up hiking trails or make some stupid candle holder out of wood that even a mother would throw away. No matter how freaking dry the weather is, the inside of my tent always ends up wet. It’s so uncomfortable. Even in an R.V. So, even though I hate tropical places (I’m a picky bitch), I’d rather go to Hawaii. Especially first class. It’s my dream to someday fly first class (on a flight longer than 6 hours. Anything else is kind of ridiculous).

    Georgiababe — Not to go on a Lost binge or anything, but I didn’t have a problem with the last episode, really. I was a bit miffed at season 6, because the first half was slow as hell, and I’ll admit that I was kind of like, “Seriously?” at the end, but I didn’t hate it. And I’m glad the show didn’t stop at season 3, because season 5 was kick-ass. It just sucks that the last season was the weakest.

    Oh, and I only saw a few minutes of Ugly Betty (it seemed like a really, really annoying show and Betty seemed like a really, really annoying character), but the Mystery Man was Betty’s dad, apparently.

  19. 19
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    See-Jay — I was typing when you posted. Yeah, the breaks totally made the season drag. I definitely see what you’re saying about this season and last year’s, but I feel the opposite — I think this season has had more filler than season 6, and just don’t feel like there’s enough of a mystery this year to keep things going.

    Can we agree that season 5 is the worst, though? :)

  20. 20
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    Michelle — You’re right, though — a life on the run with a kid (Grace’s parents) would be tough.

  21. 21
    ellemck1
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Season 4 of LOST is my personal favorite. But that might be because I have this love of Martin Christopher Keamy, one of the bad guys in that season who I found incredibly hot.

    But I’d chose Hawaii over any form of camping every single time. I hate camping. I choose hotels over camping each time. And don’t get me started on some of the horrors of RV camping… I have some bad memories with my grandparents. Hopefully T & L end this ridiculousness soon.

    And I love the Betty Applewhite theory. If only… just because that would be hilarious. Or she pops up behind him or something. It’s Betty Applewhite!

  22. 22
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 11, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    It’s Betty Applewhite!! Ha ha ha. Oh, I wish. Keamy has an awesome body, but he . . . kind of looks like a bunny with those teeth. I’m all about Jack and Desmond. I think season 3 is my fave — I LOVE Juliet. OOOOHHH! Elizabeth Mitchell would be fantastic on Desperate Housewives! I have such a crush on her.

    Camping is not my friend. If you’re looking for a way to hate me without feeling guilty, take me on a camping trip. We will never be friends again.

    See-Jay — I was looking through old recaps just for shits and giggles, and you made this comment on last season’s “what if?” episode:

    “I fucking hated this episode.”

    HAHAHAHA! So, I guess the lack of Fat Susan is a plus for you this year, eh?

  23. 23
    PlathAddict PlathAddict
    Posted May 12, 2011 at 7:51 am

    Another excellent recap Hypnotoad. I was truly hoping that there wouldn’t be any shenanigans with Susan being blamed for Paul’s poisoning, but only because I could totally see that was where the storyline WAS actually going. I am glad that Paul didn’t die. I know he is a murderer and everything, but I really like him.
    I am still unnerved by the idea that anyone would anything that Susan cooked, regardless of whether or not it was poisoned. That is just such a glaring example of the writers not having any idea of what’s already been established as set story lines.
    Why wasn’t Carlos or Gabby the least bit concerned by the fact that Celia wet her bed? Do they just not care about her at all? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think Jaunita is pretty freaking awesome,but Celia should get SOME attention, don’t you think?

  24. 24
    ellemck1
    Posted May 12, 2011 at 7:59 am

    Yeah, Keamy’s teeth are weird… but the body makes it all better. ;)

    Finally watched the episode last night. And I laughed, I shook my head, I wanted to punch Lynette. I still say if someone offered me a Hawaii trip first class over a camping trip, I’d take it. I’m too high maintenance for camping. I can freely admit to that. And I don’t like woods and hiking and stuff.

    I wondered why neither Carlos or Gabby cared about Celia wetting the bed. Is this an all the time thing? Does anyone care about Celia or is she gonna end up in the basement with Penny!

    And I loved seeing the Scavo twins, as always.

  25. 25
    bbjunkie
    Posted May 12, 2011 at 9:02 am

    Okay, now that we are talking about how nobody seemed too concerned about poor Celia, the bedwetting, and lack of a bed for Carlos to sleep in. Didn’t anyone else find it strange that the Solis family only has two bedrooms? Come writers…no guest room with and extra bed!?! Carlos is a CEO/CFO or whatever for crying out loud. I can understand the Scavos not having a guest room the have a gazillion kids but the Solis family really?

    I am ready for this season to be over. Just sayin’

  26. 26
    ellemck1
    Posted May 12, 2011 at 10:30 am

    Hey, what if the mystery man is Beige Dave, here to take Juanita and Celia on a Fishing Trip?! He broke out of the crazy place, I’m sure. And since I’m thinking about that season, whatever happened to Tom and his “I’m going back to college to study Chinese” plan? Did we ever see that to an end, or did they just drop that plotline like they do 99.9% of all plots?

  27. 27
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 12, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    ellemck — I don’t if it was explicitly said, but I believe Tom dropped out of school when Lynette was put on maternity leave last year (he worked in place of her, which happens ALL the time with jobs, right? I’m sure every husband at your place of business has started working in place of his wife on maternity leave. It’s just good business!).

    Gotta say, Tom is one lucky bastard when it comes to finding work. He quit, then found work at Lynette’s firm. And I can’t believe the pizza place was successful enough for one year let alone 5 (or 6 or 6.5 or whatever). And then to go from failed restaurant to college dropout to substitute-for-wife-at-job to CFO? Geez. And Carlos? He’s a FELON. He EMBEZZLED. He used overseas CHILD LABOR. He committed HATE CRIMES. How he’s still employable I will never, ever know. I have to say, the only man who I think gets paid for an actual honest day’s work is Mike. He seems like a good plumber — I’d definitely call Mike Delfino to unclog my drain. And also to do some plumbing work. Hey-oh!

    Celia and Juanita share a room? Is that right? I can’t remember. But yeah, their house looks like it has at the very least 3 bedrooms upstairs. Poor Celia. She’s a basement baby, just like Penny. At least Penny can talk.

    And maybe they thought, “Meh, Celia’s already in a clean bed, so let’s just go back to bed.” But still. Even I, who am so NOT a kid person, would want to clean up that mess ASAP. Mama Hypnotoad was also pre-emptive — for about a year she cut trash bags and put them between the mattress pad and the mattress, so the mattress wouldn’t be stained, just in case.

  28. 28
    georgiababe
    Posted May 12, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    Hypnotoad – Did Carlos ever actually get convicted of slave labour and embezzlement charges? Because I remember how he hid all of the profits he made in some off shore account and that the prosecution had no case against him because they couldn’t find the profits. But he did end up going to prison, so I guess he must have been convicted on some charges.

    Perhaps people picked greed over morals. Not surprising. Carlos seems like a good businessman, so maybe people that he worked for after didn’t care that he was a felon as long as he made them enough money. But still, Fairview is obviously a smallish town, you would think that potential clients would be turned off by an embezzler, but whatever…

    And I always found the whole “Tom replacing Lynette at work” thing totally ridiculous because, more than likely, most couples don’t have the exact same education or jobs. I mean, my mother had 3 degrees and my dad didn’t even finish high school, he’s a military pilot. It’s ridiculous. I guess it’s because Carlos knows Tom or whatever, but still, Tom sucks. He’s such a weenie.

    I think I’m going to have to pull a LOST and pretend that this show ended in Season 4, I just can’t TAKE it anymore. It drives me bananas how these writers are ruining wonderful characters and it frustrates me that such wonderful actors are stuck in terrible roles (cough Felicity Huffman cough). I mean, look at what they did to Katherine. Now they are turning (pardon me, TURNED) Lynette into this miserable shrew. Yes, she’s always been controlling, but never to this extent.

    I don’t even know why I watch this show, I torture myself every week hoping that it will get better.

  29. 29
    Hypnotoad Hypnotoad
    Posted May 14, 2011 at 8:57 am

    Marc Cherry’s ridiculous Glee-meets-church pilot didn’t get picked up. A wise decision by every network, if you ask me. So maybe he’ll be more involved in the next season.

    I don’t remember if Carlos was convicted of slave labor (look at you with your Canadian spelling, georgiababe!) and embezzlement, but he was definitely arrested for it and brought up on charges.

    And I’m sort of annoyed by the way they flip-flop from treating Fairview as a mid-size suburb at times, to a much bigger city (check out the fake view from Tom’s office sometime) at other times. They never mention going “into the city” to work, so I just assume Fairview’s big enough to have it’s own skyscrapers. But a lot of times, the town doesn’t really seem very big.

    And yeah, I hear you. I can pinpoint when the show stopped being great — the very second that “Five Years Later” title card popped up on the screen in the last ep of season 4. Worst. Decision. Ever. I would honestly still watch it if I didn’t recap it, but it’s lost a lot of it’s spark.

  30. 30
    ellemck1
    Posted May 14, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Oh, okay. I just couldn’t remember if anything came out of Tom’s college plans. Oh yeah, people take over for their wives at work when they’re pregnant ALL the time… ooooooor something. That was another strange thing. And these guys are incredibly lucky when it comes to work, even if they don’t think so. If I was the interviewer looking at some of the resumes, I don’t know if I’d want them on my work team. Unless they had their shirts off… ;)

    I hope Cherry is back to being involved with the show. And that he does it in a good way. I’m just getting irritated with this crap. And all the gaping plot holes! I’ll keep watching, hoping that it will get better.

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