Here we are, kids! The antepenultimate episode of Desperate Housewives! Sorry about the lackluster minicap. I *may* do something special next week, but there are two episodes and I’m . . . well, I’m lazy people. I mean, we’re lucky if I even get a recap done each week. Let’s get started.
Mary Alice says that Susan is nice to a fault and just can’t resist lending a hand, which is basically just a nice way of saying, “Girl likes to butt in on everyone’s business all the time.” She even gives money to street performing mimes.
Remember, people: When you shoot a mime, use a silencer.
Thanks, Stephen Wright! Paul’s in Fairview Memorial Hospital, in the Wisteria Lane Plot Development Wing. Seriously. That one street keeps this entire hospital afloat. Susan apologizes for asking him to move out of the house — she didn’t mean it to sound like she wanted him out. Susan leaves so the doctor can give Paul his diagnosis. Or prognosis. Whatever.
“Now, there’s probably nothing to worry about. I’m just going to ask you some simple questions. One: How do you feel about monkey heart transplants?”
Turns out the doctor says it’s not a heart attack. And unless he’s pregnant or poisoned, his nausea and stuff is caused by stress. Paul’s like, Whooooaaa, poison? Luckily, this doctor had a patient when he was an intern, and this patient’s wife was putting antifreeze in his oatmeal every morning! Wow! Paul got a doctor who knows what antifreeze poisoning symptoms look like?! What are the odds? Then again, this is the Fairview Memorial Wisteria Lane Plot Development Wing. Anything goes here. Paul begins to suspect that Susan is poisoning him, methinks. When he’s ready to go, Susan asks him what she can make him for dinner. And Paul’s all, “I’m sure anything you bring will be a huge help to me.” Uh-oh! Credits.
Mary Alice says that we all have moments of dread. Like the moment you had that time I called you back with the results of my syph test. Apparently, dread equals scary in Mary Alice’s purgatory world, because she segues right into Juanita and Gabby watching a scary movie. Carlos comes home and is all, Why is Juanita watching “Bloody Stranger 2?” He says that it’s just a bunch of slutty teenagers getting hacked to death. Gabby: “It will teach her a lesson: Don’t be a slutty teenager.” Hee. Carlos is all, This movie is too violent, but Gabby and Juanita are all, We know it’s totally fake! (Juanita: “Duh. There’s no way a spear gun could shoot through three heads.” Gabby: “Exactly! Two maybe! Maybe . . .” Hee!) Gabby tells Carlos to relax cuz Juanita can handle it.
. . . Until it’s night and she barges in on Gabby and Carlos, all, The bloody stranger ax murderer was outside and he’s going to come in and kill me and I’m totally scared!
“Not gonna lie — I’m mostly scared that there isn’t any cake left.”
Gabby tells her that it’s all pretend, but she wants to sleep with them. Carlos says he’ll sleep in Juanita’s bed. But Celia’s in Juanita’s bed. Carlos says he’ll sleep in Celia’s bed. But Celia wet her bed. Carlos is all, “Come on in.” Hahaha! You know what Valerie A. Brotski? For a first time DH writer you are bringing it this week! You have passed our test, Valerie A. Brotski, and you are free to join us.
Hey, Tom’s home just in time for Taco Night! Olé! Do families really do this? Have one specific meal for each night of the week? We never did that in the Hypnotoad household. Although it seemed like every night of the week that ended in “–day” was Spaghetti Night. We had spaghetti a lot. And pot pies. The whole Scavo family is there for dinner, which is nice. I like it when they’re all together. Also, Tom has some great news: He planned a family vacation . . . to Hawaii! You know what this means!
Ohmigod Tom, no!! That tiki statue may look cool, but it’s cursed! CURSED!
Oh yeah. I have mad photoshop skills. For some reason, Lynette is pissed that Tom bought tickets to Hawaii for the entire family. Why, you ask? Is it because Lynette hates poi? Is it because Lynette is allergic to sunlight like those kids in The Others? Is it because Lynette is still seething about the overthrow of Queen Lili’uokalani in January of 1893? Is it because Lynette hated the final episode of Lost so much that she can’t even stand to see the island on which it was filmed? Sadly, all of these reasons seem rational compared to the real reason why Lynette doesn’t want to go to Hawaii on her husband’s dime: She’s planned the Scavo vacations for 16 years and she’s already spent two weeks planning a — wait for it, wait for it — CAMPING TRIP. There’s one funny part where Lynette crushes Tom’s taco shell with her hand.
According to the director’s commentary for this episode, the taco shell represents testicles.
Again, I love Lynette. You love Lynette. We all love Lynette. She was one of the best things about seasons 2, 3, and 4. She’s gorgeous. She’s hilarious when she’s drunk. She’s the cool mom who doesn’t post stupid shit on Facebook about how her kids are her ENTIRE LIFE and how it’s so cute when they poop all over the house (if you’re one of those moms, for the love of god, STOP.). Let’s face it — we would all hang out with Lynette Scavo, because she’s awesome. But. We all know how this season has been treating her as a character, and sadly, this episode is no exception. Understandably, everyone else is excited about the trip, especially when they find out Tom bought them freaking first class tickets. And admittedly, Tom is kind of obnoxious with all his “I’m the best husband ever!” crap. And I can understand that Lynette’s hurt that Tom didn’t talk to her about it first, but come the eff on — it’s Hawaii! Get over it, Lynette! They have bars IN THE POOL! I believe Grace Adler said it best: “I swear, swimming any other way than drunk is just stupid.”
Oh my gosh, we’re not even done with the credits. I need to step it up, people! Susan’s at M.J.’s school (which, for the record, looks absolutely nothing like M.J.’s school did last season). She’s trying to get the attention of the principal. Turns out she has sent him tons of emails asking for her old job back, but he thinks her stint as a cleaning whore would be a bad reputation for the school to have. Susan says she made a mistake, but she deserves a second chance. The principal says that the parents’ council has a lot of sway at the school, so if she could convince them . . . Susan says she’ll give it a whirl.
Bree’s on her way out the door when who should show up but Detective Chuck. Did you guys know that he’s British in real life? And that his last name is Cake? Now you do. Impress your friends with that bit of knowledge the next time you’re all together at the Olive Garden. Bree never called him and he says that he’ll ask her out one more time and that’s it. They have some witty back and forth and Bree agrees to go out with him on Thursday at 8pm. Which is oddly specific, but it’s nice, since usually people on tv shows are all, “So you wanna go out tomorrow night?” “Sure!” “Okay, bye!” without leaving any other details.
Paul grabs a tuna noodle casserole from the fridge and takes it to a lab to be tested for antifreeze.
Tonight on another gripping episode of CSI: Topeka — Bart organizes the lab’s monthly potluck.
Renee walks up to Bree and begs her to be involved in her plot this week, since she doesn’t have anything of her own. Well, that’s basically what happens. Bree tells her that she has a date with Detective Chuck and Renee wants to hear all about him, except Bree doesn’t really know anything about him. Renee says that she doesn’t go on a date with anyone until she knows everything about him, which sounds exactly like one of those stupid background check commercials. She offers to do a full background check on Chuck.
“No stranger comes around my growing family without a background check. Or beef jerky. If the stranger has beef jerky, then f**k it, he’s in.”
Lee is over at Gabby’s house where they’re talking about how Lee used to be all scared and stuff, but he outgrew it. Um, something tells me he didn’t. Lee is . . . not the butchest of men, to be polite. Gabby tells Lee to talk to Juanita, “give her one of those ‘it gets better’ speeches you gays love so much.” Hee. Juanita says that she sees a scary man standing on their lawn. Relax, sweetie, it’s probably just John Rowland hoping to get some more Gabby muffin. Lee tells Juanita that he had nightmares because his brother told him that there was an insane asylum on the edge of town where inmates would escape and kill kids. One summer They found 3 kids dead in a ravine. Oddly enough, this inspirational tale doesn’t help Juanita at all. Lee’s all, Juanita has nothing to be afraid of — my story was way scarier than hers.
Susan arrives at the parents’ council meeting late (of course), and no one wants her to sit by them. It’s like she’s a way hotter Forrest Gump and the parents’ council is the bus and the ladies are the braindead redneck dirty hick children. Oh, hey, Beth Littleford is in charge of the meeting! I loved her on The Daily Show! Dana (Beth Littleford) basically tells Susan they don’t need her help because she’s a big ole whore. Susan tells the ladies of the parents’ council that, yes, she made mistakes because her family had a crappy year, but she was a “damn good teacher” when she was at the school and she hopes that they will welcome her back. She’d like to earn their forgiveness. Dana says that Susan can pick up the streamers. Wah wah wah waaaaaaahhhhh.
Right before Bree’s date, Renee shows up with the background check on Detective Chuck. Bree hopes he’s not a dirty cop. Or a democrat. Hee. Bree opens the report and the doorbell rings. Chuck takes Bree out for their date.
“Well, apparently that’s it for me this week. If you want me, I’ll be in my trailer getting hammered and throwing empty bottles of Night Train at a photo of Marc Cherry in a drunken fit of rage.”
At the restaurant, Bree tells Chuck that she wants to know everything about him. He gives her a few deets and then says that he has two kids. Bree’s all, So you were married, huh? He says it didn’t work out. And then Bree’s like, When were you going to tell me that you’re still married? Really, Bree? People who boned Karl Meyer repeatedly in a shady motel room while their paraplegic husband sat home alone contemplating suicide shouldn’t throw stones. Chuck says that he’s separated and hasn’t spoken to his wife in a year. Bree’s still got a stick up her ass when Chuck tells her that he knows about her 2nd husband, “the hit-and-run driver.” Touche! Then he’s all, “Who was creepier? Him or that pharmacist who killed himself while you were dating?” Holy. Shit. You guys. A reference to a past season!?! A reference that is actually ACCURATE?! Oh, Valerie A. Brotski, you are good. You are very, very good. You can stick around, my friend. Turns out Chuck pulled Bree’s police file. Bree is pissed that Chuck did this and stalks out of the restaurant.
More Tom and Lynette stuff. Let’s see how short I can make this, since we all know what’s going down. Lynette’s still pissed about the Hawaii thing because even though Tom’s in charge at the office, he’s not in charge of the family (wow, Lynette, seriously?). They argue some more. Then they agree to each make a pitch to the kids about their vacations, then Tom wants to have sex, but Lynette says no. You could pop in a season 1 DVD (or 2, 3, 4, 5, or 6), randomly select an episode, and get a scene exactly like this. Next.
I guess Chuck drove Bree to the restaurant because he’s taking her back home. He spies a guy soliciting a prostitute and tells him to move along, then tells the hooker to get in the car with him. He’s taking her to the women’s shelter. When they get there, the hooker says that she’ll never get her life together, but Chuck says that Bree used to be a hooker too — one day she decided to get her shit together and she started her own catering company. Bree’s pissed at first, but then goes along with it when she sees that the hooker finds this inspirational. After she leaves, Chuck tells Bree that he was out of line, but he figured since Bree was already pissed at him, that he’d give it a shot.
“You guys have really inspired me. From now on, I won’t do anything butt-related. Unless the guy pays me extra up front. Watch out, world!”
Paul’s tuna casserole test results are back.
“There’s no easy way to say this. We found a growth and . . . The tuna casserole has about 3, 4 months, tops. I suggest you make his last few moments comfortable, and cherish the time you have left together.”
There was antifreeze in the casserole, but not enough to kill Paul. The lab dude does say that if Paul consumed antifreeze on a daily basis, he’d get nauseous and junk and end up dead.
Gabby’s trying to put up a tent on the front lawn when Carlos shows up from work. Gabby’s going to prove to Juanita that there’s nothing to be scared of and being the great parent that he is, Carlos says he’s not going to stay outside with them and Gabby will have to take care of this herself. Way to be there for your kid, jerkass.
At Chuck’s office, Bree shows up to make some amends. She says that she was confused after their date, since she was mad about the background check stuff and oddly touched about the whole hooker deal. Bree says she wasn’t being fair and Chuck agrees that he wasn’t being fair either. He says that they’re both a little rusty on the whole dating thing, and they should just go out on a regular date. Right now. And so they go for a lunch date.
Over at Susan’s house, Felicia’s getting a little tired of listening to Susan ramble on about her problems with the parents’ council.
“Oh god, she’s insufferable. I want to kill myself. If only I had some pois– Hey!”
Felicia asks how Paul is doing, since she heard he went to the hospital. Susan tells her that they think it’s stress, but she wants him to get more testing. Felicia says that he just needs rest and good food, like the cookies Susan is making for him right now. When Susan goes to get a pan or something, Felicia pours some antifreeze in the cookie mix.
Time for more Tom and Lynette stuff. Go ahead and go to the bathroom, or get some ice cream. Or gin. No need to pause or wait for the commercial, since you know what’s coming. Lynette somehow got giant photos printed of the Grand Canyon and big sequoias. And one of a big-ass roller coaster, which excites the kids. Tom asks if the R.V. will be crowded with all of them, at which point Lynette breaks out a giant photo of a huge-ass R.V. Yeah, does an R.V. have black sand beaches and all the spam you can eat? No. It does not. Lame, Lynette. I vote for Hawaii.
Gabby and Juanita are having their little camp out, but Juanita’s still a little scared. So scared that she’s wearing a hockey goalie mask. Or, I don’t know, a lacrosse mask. A Canadian football mask. Some sportsketball mask thing. Gabby tells her that there’s no killer — it’s an actor in the movie. She says it’s okay to be scared, but it’s all in your head, and you have to be able to calm that fear and conquer it. Which is actually really good advice. From Gabby. Good advice. From Gabby. All of a sudden, a shadow appears on the tent. A shadow . . . with an ax!
“Hey, I’m Ed with the ABC production team. I’m looking for Vanessa Williams’ career?”
Gabby and Juanita both scream as the ax killer unzips the tent! Turns out it’s Lee. He wanted to show Juanita that not everything that looks scary actually *is* scary in real life.
Well, not usually.
Tom’s just finishing up his DVD presentation on Hawaii, which includes helicopter rides over volcanoes and swimming with dolphins. The kids are totes excited about this. But then Lynette has to ruin their fun, because Season 7 Lynette is only happy when she crushes other peoples’ dreams, especially those of her family. So, she shows them big photos of sharks and helicopter crashes. Tom makes the reasonable statement that car crashes cause more deaths than helicopter crashes, and then they start raising their voices.
Like dogs before an earthquake, the Scavo children are remarkably adept at sensing an upcoming fight about business and personal goals moments before the event actually occurs.
The kids go upstairs to discuss where they want to go on vacation, leaving Tom and Lynette alone with their raging Fight Boners. Tom calls Lynette a hypocrite because 10 years ago she told him that when he starts making money he can start making decisions. So he yells that now that he’s making the big bucks he gets to decide how they spend it. Ugh, this is already so damn exhausting. Lynette says they should be equal partners (since when, Lynette? Since that scene 10 minutes ago when you said Tom was in charge at work but you’re in charge of the family?). Tom yells that she can’t stand to not have any power and can’t stand Tom running the show. He says that Lynette can’t handle his “successss,” lingering on the “s” sound at the end for a weirdly long amount of time. Lynette’s all, “YOU can’t handle your success, you’ve turned into a pompous ass!” Tom: “Maybe because it’s turned you into a raging bitch!” Oh, and it turns out Penny heard all of this. Way to go, Tom and Lynette.
“I — liked — it — bet — better — in the — base — basement!”
Aw, poor Penny. Go on down and lock yourself up and I’ll be down with a bucket of fish heads in a minute, okay sweetie? There you go. That’s better, isn’t it?
Gabby and Juanita are trying to sleep when another shadow shows up on the tent. Gabby assumes it’s Lee and tells him that she will kill him if he tries that shit again. Except it’s not Lee. It’s some shadowy dude with a hat.
Lynette shows up in her and Tom’s bedroom, telling Tom that Penny is really upset and doesn’t know what to choose — not meaning the vacation, but who she’ll live with when Tom and Lynette get divorced. Tom wonders why she thinks that. Probably because of the fight you just had, Tom, or probably because of the 32 fights you have with Lynette every. Single. DAY! Idiot. Tom says their fights should stop, because he’s afraid Lynette will bite his head off whenever he opens his mouth. Rude. He does admit that he’s gone a lot. Lynette says, “I think we’re the ones that need a vacation,” and just when I’m thinking, “Yes! Please! Take some time away from each other, for the love of all things good and holy,” Lynette says that the two of them should get away for the weekend. Together. Ummmmm, no. That’s not the answer I was looking for. Tom says they’ll do it this weekend, but he has to check with the office, which annoys Lynette, and they have a mini fight. No sex tonight!
Susan’s at the open house with the streamers. She happens to have the chocolate chip poison cookies in the car, which Dana thinks is great, because a couple people flaked out on the refreshments. Susan is all, Oh, yeah, of course, they’re for the open house. Dana says that maybe they should take Susan back after all. I’m sure a weekend of stomach pumping will change her mind back, though.
For some reason, Susan goes back to Wisteria Lane to give Paul some lasagna. I’m not sure why she didn’t just do this on her way over to the open house, but whatever. Paul wants her to have some lasagna with him, because, you know, he wants to see if she’d eat her own poisoned food, but Susan says she needs to get back to the school. Paul tells her to stab him with the knife because it will be faster and Susan’s all, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Paul tells her the food is poisoned and Susan’s all, I was the only one who made food for you and I ohhhhhhhhhhhh shhhiiiiit. She realizes that Felicia has been poisoning the food (but she doesn’t tell Paul this) and runs out to stop people from eating the cookies.
Susan arrives at the open house to find that her cookies have already been put out for people to eat. She then knocks cookies out of peoples’ hands and does some other poisoned cookie-related hijinks to get people to stop eating them. She runs into a snag when she finds out that other people have made chocolate chip cookies and they’re all on plates, mixed together, so she knocks those to the floor. But it’s too late. People are taking cookies. Cookies! COOOOOKKKKKKKKIIIIIIEEEESSS! Dana’s up at the microphone and Susan runs up to tell people that her cookies are poison. People laugh, even though if that was an actual attempt at a joke, it still wouldn’t be funny. Like, at all. She’s all, “No! My cookies WILL kill you!” And right then, Paul shows up with some cops to arrest Susan.
Mary Alice says we all have moments of dread. As Gabby brushes her hair, she looks out her window, but she doesn’t see the mysterious man who’s lurking around outside in the shadows, looking up at her. Just who is this Mystery Man? I have my own theory.
John Rowland has not aged well.
Next Week: Murder! Break up! A new man! A gay club! 2 hours! Gabby gets stabbed or . . . surprised or something. I can’t tell.