Mary Alice has something to say this week, guys. This is unusual, so let’s let her speak. She wants to tell us about pests and how Bree dealt with them: Swatting them, poisoning them, shooting them with rifles.
And after that horrible, horrible day, the Jehovah’s Witnesses never bothered Bree Hodge again . . .
But lately there have been some different pests in Bree’s house. Chubby, Mexican pests (fine, yeah, I used that joke for the minicap, so sue me!). Turns out, Gabby’s kids are slobs who track dirt and mud into Bree’s immaculate house. Bree wonders how much longer the Solis gals are staying and Gabby says Carlos will be begging to have them back in no time. Seriously? Dude is drinking Corona and surfing the internet for lesbian porn. Non-stop. Methinks he’s enjoying himself way too much to have the girls back. Celia and Juanita are arguing in the kitchen and then they steal 2 dozen cookies. Gabby: “You can’t leave food out. They’re like bears — you gotta tie it up in a tree.” Hee. (This would have been funnier had the official Desperate Housewives Twitter feed not tweeted every damn funny line last week. Jerkasses.) Bree says that Gabby should take this opportunity to teach the girls some discipline. And then Celia and Juanita break a plate. I’m not sure if it was an accident or if they’re hosting an impromptu Greek wedding reception. Either way, Bree is not happy. Opa! Credits.
Mary Alice tells us that sometimes we do good deeds to get something in return. Like when I helped you move your couch up three flights of stairs in hopes that you’d take me to Red Lobster for Lobsterfest, but no. No. You have done nothing. You are dead to me. Susan, though, is actually helping Paul Young out of the goodness of her heart. Oh yeah. THIS won’t backfire. At all. Susan wants to help Paul figure out what he wants to do next. What does Paul do for a job? Where’s he getting all his money? Real estate investments? We’ll go with that. Turns out Felicia is in Paul’s house, taking some of Beth’s stuff. Susan says she’s cooking for Paul now and Felicia announces that she and Paul are good now and she’s moved back to the Lane. Paul breaks the news to Susan that Beth was Feclicia’s daughter.
“Ah. So, my kidney has crazy homicidal bitch DNA. Fantastic.”
Susan immediately goes outside to tell the other ladies about this juicy news. She tells them that she’s bringing food to Paul because he’s sad and all. She adds that the kidney gave her a second chance in life and she thinks Paul deserves the same thing. You know what Paul deserves? A make-out session. With me.
Over at the ole Scavo place, Lynette and Renee are celebrating. I’m assuming it’s later that day, unless Renee and Lynette immediately ran into Lynette’s house after Susan told them about Paul.
“Here’s to me actually having a plot this week!”
Oh, hey, I guess the writers read my recaps, because they’re celebrating the fact that they have — wait for it, wait for it — a freaking design job! Tom comes in and says that they should redesign his new office and there’s $20,000 allocated for the job. Well, that’s great, Tom. It’s not like the company needs that 4th of July picnic. It’s not like the administrative people need bonuses. No, no, you take that money and spend it on things you need, like leather club chairs and douchey inspirational posters.
This will hang behind Tom’s desk. It’s an intimidation thing.
And by the was — hell yes, I’d tap that. All the men on this show are do-able. Well, maybe not Roy, although I’m sure he was a looker back in the day.
Well . . . I bet his hair stayed in place . . .
Lynette and Renee are totes excited to decorate Tom’s office, but more excited to have some money.
Gabby bought some flowers for Bree, with no ulterior motive . . . save for the fact that her kids broke a mirror. As well as a serving dish. Bree gets the eff out of there before she cuts a bitch, but she can’t go anywhere because someone is blocking her driveway. Bree does the rational thing by getting into the person’s car and honking the horn. And of course this car belongs to a somewhat hunky gentleman.
“Hello. I’ll be filling the void left by that tattooed guy from 90210.”
Has anyone else completely forgotten about Keith? I’m not just saying this to be clever, it’s the truth: I had literally not even thought of him until just now. Shows what a lasting impression THAT character made. Anyway, this guy is the owner of the car and says that Bree illegally entering his car is a criminal offense. How would he know? He’s a cop. A cop who blocks driveways and leaves his car unlocked. With the window down. Ah, yes, the Fairview Police. I believe their motto is: “Meh, someone from Wisteria Lane will solve it.” Bree says that she’s sorry, she’s just so frazzled from having non-Caucasian people in her house. The girls are driving her so crazy she kiddingly asks to borrow his gun. He threatens to arrest her for multiple things, but it turns out he’s kidding. Bree is flabbergasted and maybe a mite twitter-pated!
Bree’s making dinner while the girls are running crazily around the house. Bree tells Gabby that she should probably take a “firmer hand,” and asks if she can take a whack at making the girls behave. Gabby’s kind of insulted that Bree is insinuating that she’s a bad mom, but really Gabby, if the Louboutin fits . . . Bree gets the girls to stop fighting with her throw pillows and starts to tell them the house rules, but they just wander off to the kitchen. Bree tells Gabby that she’s not going to give up. I love Gabby, but in addition to not doing a damn thing to discipline her kids, it seems like she hasn’t even offered to help Bree around the house. Rude. Rudeness. Rudy Huxtable.
In Tom’s office, Renee and Lynette have been waiting to see him for 45 minutes, when he finally calls them in for their little presentation. Lynette offers some ideas, but Tom clipped a photo of Donald Trump’s office and is all, Me wantee! Lynette tells Tom that that isn’t really his style, but Renee, being a good businesswoman, is all, If that’s what you want, that’s cool, cuz you’re the client. She then goes on to say that Mr. Trump had her and her husband on his yacht all the time. Which I totally believe because we all know how Trump is cool with “the blacks.” Douche. She says she’ll call Trump’s assistant and see where he got everything. Just cut out the middleman and call Satan, Renee. He’ll let you know. Lynette is still being all pissy, because, well, she’s Lynette, and says that they’re not going to do the office like Tom wants because SHE knows what Tom wants more than anyone else. Oh, this is such a fresh change of plot and personality for Lynette!
Felicia goes over to Susan’s apartment, because she’s been missing Beth so much and “a part of her” is inside Susan. Susan’s cooking a chicken pot pie for Paul. Yes folks, this episode invalidates every single joke ever made at the expense of Susan’s cooking ability. *Sigh.* Let’s just pretend that a.) In the (lame) five-year jump between seasons 4 and 5, Susan took cooking classes, or b.) Beth’s kidney gave Susan super-human cooking powers. Felicia says that she hopes she and Susan can be friends, because Paul’s forgiven her and she wants things to go back to normal. While Susan’s making the pie filling, Felicia suddenly gets a convenient migraine, and while Susan goes to get some aspirin, Felicia pours a little something over the ingredients.
“This Mrs. Dash will spoil everything. EVERYTHING! MWAHAHAHAHA!”
At home, Felicia is reading aloud from a nurse’s textbook to the ashes of Beth, describing the symptoms of poisoning, which mask themselves as heart problems, until, you know, death. Turns out, our li’l Felicia plans to poison Paul with antifreeze. I don’t know. I tend to think something like Drano works better.
Plain or BQ? BQ! If you have not seen the movie Heathers, you are SORELY missing out, my friends. Stop reading this recap immediately and watch it. Watch it now!
Anyway, what follows is a little montage of Felicia Tilman finding various ways to inject the food Susan’s preparing for Paul with antifreeze. She injects one (ONE.) potato with antifreeze while helping Susan with groceries, which she serves to Paul as mashed potatoes.
“Mmm! It’s ethylene-tastic!”
She distracts Susan and dumps some antifreeze on some apples when Susan makes an apple pie; she switches the orange juice in Susan’s cart at the store with a (apparently) poisoned carton. Later, Felicia asks Susan if Paul’s getting any better, but Susan tells her he’s just getting worse and worse.
“Although I have to say he does seem oddly protected against rust corrosion.”
Celia and Juanita are back at their old house to see Carlos.
Um, did Gabby take all of the furniture with her?
Seriously, why is the living room so empty? And also, why are the girls all, “Daddy, daddy, we missed you!” They’re on the same. Damn. Block. Whatever. Gabby tells Carlos that they seem like a divorced couple. Well, Gabby should know. The girl’s got plenty of break-up experience. Carlos says that as long as Gabby talks to Bree, nothing’s going to change. Juanita asks Carlos why he hates Mommy so much. He tells her that Bree did something that made him mad, but it’s an adult thing, so she wouldn’t understand. Juanita is all, You guys always say that whenever you don’t want to talk about something. Carlos caves and tells Juanita that she should hear about how Grandma died.
Susan’s in bed when Mike comes up to her to ask if she’s seen their latest bank statement, which she has not. Apparently, they’ve paid all their bills! Yay! And Susan used her poker money to help them out. So, let’s just ignore the fact that last year Mike didn’t want to take Susan’s money to help him get out of debt. Because apparently, this year he’s totally cool with taking Susan’s money. That she won. At a casino. Playing poker. Mike says that they’re so flush with cashola now they can afford to move back to Wisteria Lane. He goes on to say that since Susan is so buddy-buddy with Paul now, maybe she can convince him that living in a house full of memories about his dead wife isn’t so great. Are there any houses left on Wisteria Lane that some lady hasn’t died in or around? Man. I’d hate to be the real estate agent for that street.
Good luck, Lee! Mike says that he hates Paul, but they should get something out of her newfound friendship with him.
Carlos has finished telling Juanita about what went down with Mama Solis. Juanita brings Celia in and tells her that Bree killed Grandma! Celia is shocked!
“I, for one, cannot believe the audacity of our neighbor, whose friendship we have heartily cherished throughout these past years. Juanita, dearest sister, my sincere thanks for this most distressing of news. Come, let us dine on Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, as it will give us strength in the upcoming fortnight.”
Wow, that Celia is a talker, you guys! The next day, Celia and Juanita are all obedient to “Mrs. Van De Kamp,” mostly because they’re about to poop their pull-ups out of fear that she will kill them. Gabby’s shocked to find Juanita quietly helping Bree with the brussels sprouts for dinner. She’s even more shocked to see that the cupcakes Bree made for dessert haven’t even been touched. Bree says that she just sat them down and explained how things would be from now on. Gabby asks if she drugged them (hee), but Bree says that children need “structure and a firm hand.”
“Also, dropping them off in the middle of nowhere with 50 bucks or faking your own pregnancy to hide theirs can’t hurt. It’s just good parenting.”
Bree says that if Gabby does what she’s been doing, the girls will be behaved when they get back to Carlos. When Bree goes upstairs, Gabby tries to get Juanita to sneak a cupcake upstairs, but Juanita, still scared that she’ll wake up with a horse head in her bed if she disobeys Bree, says that she’d rather have an apple. Wha?! “Me want apple?!” That’s not even funny! I can’t work with that!!!!
Tom’s office. Lynette is directing the moving men where to put the chairs when Renee arrives. Turns out, Lynette went behind Renee’s back and designed Tom’s office the way she thinks Tom would want it. Really, Renee? You’re surprised that Lynette did this? Have you not seen this show before? Lynette blahs about how she knows what Tom wants more than he does. Renee’s all, Way to ignore the client’s wishes.
At night, Bree goes into the room where Juanita and Celia are sleeping. She notices a pillow on the floor, and as she’s trying to put it back, Juanita wakes up, thinks Bree is trying to smother her, and starts screaming. Celia joins in, and they run screaming to another room. Hee! Gabby asks Bree what she did to them, but Bree says she did nothing. As Gabby’s calling Carlos, the doorbell rings and it turns out it’s Detective Chuck, the cop from earlier. He got a dispatch about a 911 call in which two girls called from her address saying that some crazy lady is about to kill them. And he recognizes Bree as the lady who joked about killing the girls the other day. Someone picked a big bouquet of oopsie-daisies!
Chuck returns from speaking with Celia and Juanita. I guess they told him that Bree wanted to murder them. Carlos shows up and Chuck asks if Carlos told his daughters that Bree killed his mom. Oooh, awkward. Carlos says that he was talking about his mom’s death and that he missed Gabby almost as much as he missed his mom, and he blames Bree for making him feel that way — they must have gotten confused. I’m kind of impressed with Carlos’s lie, y’all. Not as impressed as I’d be if he said it with his shirt off, but still. Impressed.
Bree walks Chuck outside and asks him why he showed up instead of a patrolman. He says he was in the area and said he’d take care of it. He also wanted to see Bree again, mostly about Mrs. Tilman, but she should call him if she sees anything. Or if she just feels like calling him. Bree says that she can’t figure him out. Chuck seriously says this: “I’m a detective. I find clues. I don’t give them.” For reals, writers? Lame.
Gabby asks why Carlos told them about Mama Solis and he says they needed to know the truth. Carlos says that he only told the girls that Bree helped protect who killed Mama, to which Gabby rightly replies that they’d do the same thing for their kids (my money’s on Celia being the killer in the family). And honestly, once you’ve left a city Mayor for dead in the middle of the ocean and then rigged his boat to go out to sea in order to make it look like an accident, you really don’t have room to judge, CARLOS. Gabby says that families stick together and Carlos asks her why she chose Bree if that’s the case. Bree enters and thanks Carlos for doing what he did. He says he did it for Andrew, who was a kid when it happened, not for Bree, who covered it up. Okay, I get that Carlos is mad at Bree, but seriously? Andrew was 16 when he ran over Mama Solis. That’s not really a “kid.” Plus, he was drunk (right? Wasn’t he drunk? Or had been drinking?). Plus, he was a total asshole back then. I don’t get the whole Blaming Bree More Than Andrew thing. Carlos takes the girls back to his house.
Bree tells Gabby that this situation will never go away, so she should go home. She already feels responsible for killing Mama Solis (again, it was pretty much a combo of Andrew and that nurse who took a smoke break while Mama Solis fell down 4 flights of stairs) and doesn’t want to feel responsible for breaking up a home as well. Gabby says she’ll call her, but Bree tells her not to. Awww, sad!
“Can I at least have a thermos of white zin and some cupcakes for the road?”
Felicia is back at Susan’s apartment, where some brownies are fresh out of the oven. Susan wants Felicia to try one, since Susan is allergic to nuts. Since when? Wandering spleen, kidney transplant, horrible nut allergy — what’s next, writers, huh? How about next season, you give Susan some hemorrhoids and a goiter. Geez. Felicia tries one and says that they’re delicious, but she won’t eat any more. Susan’s all, Well I’ll have to throw these away if they suck. But since Felicia doesn’t want that to happen, she eats some more, then excuses herself because she has to go buy a new handbag. Susan asks her what’s wrong with the one she has. Flash cut to: Felicia, outside, barfing up antifreeze brownies into her purse. She gets to her car and realizes she left her keys in the bag. Hee.
Tom’s office again. Lynette and Renee are waiting for Tom to come out of his office — when he does, he absolutely loves the changes! Lynette gloats . . . but when she enters, the office is not the same one she left the other day.
Oh, crap. My nightmares are projecting themselves again.
WTF? It’s like Hitler’s bunker, Bass Pro Shops, and Satan all got drunk and barfed this into existence. However, kudos to Renee for going behind Lynette’s back and creating this . . . abomination unto mankind and business firms. Lynette is, of course, pissed off. She drags Renee outside to complain, where Renee says that this is who Tom is NOW, not who he was when he wasn’t a successful ball-busting CFO, so she needs to accept it.
And, Lynette being Lynette, she does not accept. She goes back in and is all, Tom this isn’t you at all and it sucks, and it was all Renee’s idea. She says he’s a down-to-earth guy, not some jackhole who needs to prove that he’s some big man. Tom says that he’s all of that now because some young stud could come up and try to steal his job. Or something. To be honest, I kind of checked out on this scene. Tom says he has a role to play. “And I’m sorry if that threatens you!” Lynette says that she doesn’t want to lose the Tom she married, and he’s all, “Tom the screwup,” the guy who always failed so Lynette could be the one to save them and the family? Lynette says she’s glad of his success, but Tom hasn’t seen any sign that she means it. He was glad she got that he wanted the office that way because it meant that she was proud of him, but that’s not the case. Tom takes a call and Lynette leaves. Just. Break. Up. And get. It. Over with already! You can get back together next season. At the END of next season.
Susan is back at Paul’s house, where Paul has little appetite and is kind of woozy. Aww, Paul, all you need is a good cuddle. And, you know, some antidote. Susan asks if Paul might need a change of scenery — not a move from Fairview, but a different house. Paul is all, I couldn’t do that to you and leave you to find another renter. Which was actually a really nice thing for Paul to say. This, of course, all goes to shit when Susan says that she and Mike can afford to (and want to) move back in. Paul calls himself an idiot for believing that Susan cared about him when all this time she was just buttering him up so she could get the house back. Susan says that that’s not true, that Mike just suggested it, and then Paul kind of loses it, throwing Susan out of the house and telling her never to come back.
Mary Alice, wrap it up for us! She tells us about how sometimes good deeds have bad consequences, which I think we all learned from tonight’s episode. Of course, one of the worst consequences is probably death, which Paul is probably thinking about right now as he clutches his chest and falls to the floor! Oh no! Please, bury him with his shirt off. Give me that, Cherry.
“Tell . . . Mary Alice . . . that I . . . get to voice over . . . the next episode . . . blurg argh.”
Next Week: Bree dates the cop and Renee finds out a big secret about him. Tom and Lynette fight again (and I think they’re actually maybe building up to a split, which is exciting!). There may be an ax-killer on the loose. To clarify: Not someone who kills axes, someone who kills WITH axes.