Desperate Housewives: Exploding Hippies

Tonight on Desperate Housewives: Lynette’s giving birth in Eddie’s house while Susan’s moving away from Wisteria Lane while Bree’s being blackmailed while Angie’s being held hostage while Gabby tries to save her while Patrick tries to blow people up. AAAAAAAAAA!

And Drea de Matteo wishes she’d signed a two-year contract.

I don’t know if you knew, but the past couple episodes have dealt with a bomb.

No, not that bomb. A different one.

NO. A DIFFERENT ONE.

Forget it. But before we get there, Mary Alice would like us to think about Lynette for a moment. Poor Lynette, who’s all alone with Eddie Big Hands. Lynette thinks about her kids. For once. And for a few brief shining seconds, we get to see the original kids from the first four seasons (back before Cherry steered this big boat into turd-y hell). Lynette tries to reason with Eddie, and she says she’ll help by telling the police about how his mom was abusive (well, kinda), and Eddie’s like, “But what about the others? The other girls I killed?”

And Lynette’s like, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Well . . . Shit.”

Eddie says he’ll run off and then Lynette can just leave later on and she won’t know where Eddie is. Which would be fine. If Lynette wasn’t pregnant. And if her water just hadn’t at that moment decided to break. I was totally not suspecting that! But then again, I’m an idiot. Credits.

Mary Alice blahs about this old lady, Mrs. Pruitt, who used to be a nurse.

Holy crap, Teri Hatcher! What’s happened to you?! Oh. Oh, I see. It’s just the credits. My . . . My bad.

She worked in the maternity ward for many years, Mary Alice tells us. She’s back at the hospital, but now she’s a patient. “A patient . . . with a secret.” Oh, Mary Alice — always with the secrets. Anyway, Nursey Pruitt is on her deathbed and the priest asks for her last confession, and she’s like, Confessions are secrets, and everybody in town needs to know this shit, because it is like juice to the E, padre. But since we’re 4 minutes in, of course she ain’t gonna blab about that now.

Gabby rushes into the hospital, asking for Nick, but the nurse says that unless she’s family, she can’t see him. And of course Gabby’s response is to bribe her. With $12. Except that she needs $10 for parking. Hee. How about some gum? she asks. Hee again. But when that nurse gets called away and another nurse shows up, the action really starts as Gabby pops some gum, tries to pull off an Italian accent, and pretends to be Nick’s wife. She sounds like a cross between Fran Drescher and nails on a chalkboard. Wait, so, basically just Fran Drescher, I guess.

Over at the Scavo household, Ole Papa Tom has a hangover from drinking with his sons the night before. Way to set an example. Can I just say what a waste of space Tom Scavo’s been this season? I can’t think of one interesting thing that he’s done this year. Also, I’m through trying to decide which twin is talking at any given point in time. So, Twin A says that Tom jumped up on the coffee table and sang “Margaritaville.” Which is, I believe, the world’s second worst song. The worst, of course, being “Kokomo.” He goes on to say that he probably woke Lynette up. Twin B is all, Hey, mom isn’t here and the bed hasn’t been slept in. Wow. So, where will they get their morning dose of judgement and shame?

There’s no lack of shame over at Bree’s house, that’s for darn sure. Bree tells Orson and Andrew about how Sam knows about that time Andrew ran Carlos’s mom over with a car. She says it was 10 years ago, which probably isn’t accurate, given that no one involved in this show gives a rat’s ass about continuity. Anyway, Orson didn’t know about that little incident, apparently, and is probably impressed since the dude he ran over just ended up in a coma. And then Bree argues with Andrew, because Andrew says that Bree can’t give up her business and he’ll do the time, but Bree doesn’t want Andrew to go to prison. A lot’s changed since she dropped his gay ass off in the middle of nowhere and let him be homeless for a year. And I’m sure according to Marc Cherry that would have happened 27 years ago. Orson tries to intervene, but Bree tells him to butt the hell out and that this is between herself and Andrew.

“Fine. No, that’s fine. I’ll just be in the living room crapping my pants, no thanks to you, you stupid a-hole.”

Gabby manages to wake Nick. Not from his coma. She’s not that powerful. Or caring. No, he’s been taken out of his coma by now — he was just asleep. And apparently, the coma did wonders for his accent, because he’s all, “Gabby? What are you doin’ heeah?” Don’t worry folks — that accent will be gone by the time this episode ends, okay? All better? Good. Gabby shows Nick the Magical Plot-Driving Lasagna Note, and tells him that she knows all about Patrick Logan, and Nick says No cops — “You’re gonna have ta drive me they-ah.”

Over at Angie’s, she’s done with the bomb.

NO!!! A DIFFERENT ONE!!! Sheesh.

Angie says that Patrick has 30 seconds before it blows. Which is what Carlos told me last night. Zing! Hey-oh! Patrick’s like, Oh by the way, you’re coming to Portland with me. And Angie’s all, Whaaaaaaaa?! And Patrick’s like, Oh yeah, totes. Patrick adds, If the bomb’s a dud, I’ll put a bullet in your head and then come back for Danny. Angie’s all, Ermmmm, I’ll take another look at the bomb, and fix ‘er right up for ya, okey dokes?

Yard sale! Susan’s selling all of her prized possessions. Half-off on anything she fell on or damaged in some wacky incident! So, half-off on everything, I guess. Yay, McCluskey’s back! I’m glad to see that the Big Lady ‘C’ couldn’t bring down our lovely Kathryn Joosten! Screw Betty White — I’m hopping on the McCluskey train! Roy says that he wants to buy a stuffed dinosaur for his grandson, and McC offers her 100 bones for it. Susan says that’s nice, but she’s not looking for a handout. I’m just going to interject here to riddle you this: What the hell is Susan doing with her strip club money?! Is it just rotting in a bank somewhere?! This is so dumb! Anyway, Mitzi — that lady who fought with Angie over recycling — dragged her track suited ass over just in time to offer Susan $50 for a dining room set that Susan priced at $300. Susan threatens to ram a thighmaster down her throat, and then she caves.

Over at Eddie’s house, things are well under control, as Eddie has confirmed that he does indeed have some aspirin. Oh, thank god. Because nothing says Here’s To Your Baby’s Health like a little Reye’s syndrome. Dumbass. Lynette says she needs to go to a hospital, but Eddie doesn’t want to do it because it means he’ll have to go to jail. Tom finally pulls up to the house to save the day! But in typical Tom Scavo Season 6 fashion, he does absolutely nothing to a.) help Lynette, b.) further the plot, or c.) convince me that he’s not a total tool. He just goes to the front door and yells to Lynette that since she doesn’t want to talk to him, he’ll have some of her favorite flowers waiting for her. As all this is happening, Eddie has his hands over Lynette’s mouth so she can’t scream. Or, you know, breathe, which I hear is kind of important when you’re giving birth. Or living.

“I don’t want . . . to give birth . . . to a baby . . . on a couch . . . that smells . . . like Cheetos . . . and malt liquor!!!”

Back at the hospital, the priest comes in to tell some administrator about Nurse Pruitt’s big. Dark. Secret. But we’re only still 15 minutes in. So we don’t hear the priest say anything. Dammit! What’s the big secret?!

“I didn’t hear her too clearly, but I think she said ‘purple monkey dishwasher.’”

Susan’s house is empty! Memories, light the corners of my mind. Misty water-colored memories . . . of the stupid crap Susan did in this house. Oh no! L’il M.J.’s dinosaur is missing! It turns out they shouldn’t have sold it. Susan says they’ll go back to get it from Roy, because M.J. needs that dinosaur for comfort for when they move to government housing. True story: In undergrad, I lived in government-subsidized housing, and since all I had was a work-study job (so I claimed. Shut up.), I literally paid $97 a month for rent. Those were the days . . . So, over at Roy’s, he says he already gave it to his cute little grandson, who is cutely asleep with it. Roy tries to take it away from him. And, also, the kid is deaf. So cute deaf kid + taking away cute deaf kid’s toy = WRONG. Roy and his cute deaf grandson fight over the toy, and Mike wonders if they should stop them. Susan: “Just let it play out.” Hee! Anyone else totally loved Susan this season? I know I did. I hated her last season (granted, most of that hatred was projection from my complete blind hatred of Gale Harold), but this season? She and Gabby ran neck and neck for my faves.

Which leads to my not-so-faves: Bree. For me, Bree’s shining moments were in season 2, especially around the time she sat there and watched George die. Chills, people. Chills. This season? Meh. She started strong in the beginning with Karl (dude, does that feel like a completely different season to anyone else, instead of just the first part of this one?), but then . . . this. Whatevs. Anyway. Sam shows up for Bree to sign over her business to him, which she does. Sam is like, “I understand if you need to hate me.” Oh, Cyborg Sam. Poor Cyborg Sam. Bree’s speciality isn’t hatred. No, no, no. What she specializes in? Is pity. And a good brunch buffet. But today it’s mostly about pity, as she tells Sam that she pities him because he wanted to be a part of her family, and all he has now is a client list, and he’ll always have a hole in his heart because he doesn’t care about anybody, and Bree has a feeling that no one will ever care about him. Ouch. Ouchies.

“What is this ‘care’ that you humans speak of? Is it some kind of legume?”

At the Bolens, Patrick says he’s going to put the bomb in the trunk.

NO! A DIFFERENT — this is getting ridiculous, you guys.

Patrick’s giving Angie the amount of time he’ll take to put the bomb in the trunk to say goodbye to Danny. Oh, I hope he wrote a poem for her! But Patrick, that sneaky tofu eating bastard, doesn’t put the bomb in the car trunk. He puts it in the closet! Oh no! Angie tells Danny that she loves him and that she didn’t have a choice. Sad. Sadness. And then Patrick tells her it’s time to go.

Lynette’s crowning. Or something. I don’t know. Eddie’s doing his best not to look at Lynette’s ever expanding va-jay-jay, but Lynette tells him he has to. Has to! So he does, and he’s all, “There’s something around her neck!”

“Oh, it’s just my hands. Old habits die hard, right? Ha ha ha ha ha. Good times, good times . . .”

Actually, it’s just the umbilical cord. Oh, pshaw. Ain’t no thang. When I was born my pancreas didn’t work. I am a miracle baby. Suck on that, Lynette’s New Baby! No, that’s sad, and I hope Eddie can fix it, although I’m not sure he knows how to UN-strangle things. But he figures it out, and before you know it, little Pepe or Pepita or Papa Murphy Scavo comes crying out, all covered in that gross baby goo. Gross. And of course, since this is TV, the baby’s fine. Well. So, that’s that. I have to say, I was expecting a lot more drama from this little Lynette-Eddie-Baby skitlet this week, but whatevs.

Susan and M.J. apparently didn’t get the dinosaur back, and Susan tells M.J. that basically life sucks a lot of the time, so there you go. Mike tells Susan that she needs to let him have it since he effed up, and she (rightfully!) does. She doesn’t want to leave the home where she raised her children, and points out a part of the wall where she measured her kids’ height, and you guys, it’s really sad and Teri Hatcher gets all emotional and I don’t want Desperate Housewives to make me cry tears! Out of sadness. I cry tears of sheer rage over this show all the time. But this? Not this! Boo! Okay. Okay. I’ve pulled it together. I’m okay. Mike says it’s all gonna be okay, but his shirt’s still on, so I’m not convinced. But he does pull out the part of the wall where Susan marked her kids’ growth. Awwwww!

Bree’s at home, and she tells Orson what she did, and she did it because she couldn’t send Andrew to jail. Orson’s like, Uh-huh, uh-huh, well you sent me to jail, ya dumb whore! Bree says it was a completely different situation, and Orson’s all, Was it, WAS IT?! Orson tells her how it was exactly the same, and wonders why she didn’t require Andrew to go to jail like she made him. Bree says she was sorry, but Orson doesn’t want an apology — Orson says he respected her for making him do what he did, it showed that she had principles and junk. Orson says that as soon as he heard what Andrew had done, and what Sam was doing, that he saw it as a test, and that Bree failed. And so . . . Orson’s leaving Bree! Wha?! Orson says he’s packing his bags and leaving. Um . . . I don’t want to be That Guy, but I’m kind of wondering who’s going to drive him somewhere else.

Gabby and Nick pull up to Nick’s house, and Suddenly Accentless Nick says he’ll try to sneak into his house through a window, which seems like a good plan. Until he passes out.

Lynette cradles her little Pepsi or Pokemon in her arms and Eddie comments on how small she is, but Lynette says they grow up fast. Eddie says he’s leaving, but Lynette tells him to wait, and gives him some motherly advice. She says he should stay and call the cops. Now that her baby’s born, Eddie says he’s leaving. He asks Lynette to wait awhile before she calls the police. Then Lynette gives him some advice: Stay, and she’ll call the police. Eddie says he can’t. Eddie’s like, I can’t be in jail. Lynette says he is, and he’ll still be in pain, and he’ll never be free. And that people will never see that he’s good unless he shows them. And Lynette will be so proud of him if he picks up the phone. But he leaves. And then he comes back and asks Lynette to call the police. So she does. She gives him the baby to hold while she makes the call.

“Somewhere, out there . . . beneath the pale moonliiiiggggghhht . . .”

Gabby’s at her house, trying to get a hold of the hospital to inquire about getting Nick out of a coma. Susan arrives to say goodbye, and Gabby’s like, “Okay. Great. I’ll catch ya when I catch ya.” Hee! Gabby’s all, I’m so sorry, I’m just so choked up about your moving, and I know that Angie’s real choked up about it too, so why dontcha just go on and say goodbye to her real quick, ‘k? So Gabby shoves her onto Angie’s doorstep and then runs away. Hee. As Gabby tries to climb her way up to the second floor, Susan knocks on Angie’s door to say goodbye. Patrick holds a gun to Angie’s head and tells her to get rid of her. So Susan’s like, I’m here to say goodbye! And Angie is all, “Okay . . . bye,” and slams the door in her face. Hee!

Patrick shoves Angie into a car, and Gabby finally (and hilariously) climbs her way into Danny’s room.

“Oh, wow, is this Ralph Lauren paint? What is that, eggshell?”

Meanwhile, Patrick and Angie are driving off down Wisteria Lane, when Patrick stops and takes out the detonator for the bomb!

For the last time, NO! A different bomb! Sheesh!

Patrick’s like, What’s the range on this thing? And he goes on to say how he was devastated when Angie left him and betrayed him and all the crunchy Mueslix they believed in. So one day he decided to punish Angie. Oh, and today’s that day. Angie’s like, Where’s the bomb?! And Patrick’s like, In my pants! And Angie’s like, This is no time for jokes! And Patrick’s like, Fine, the bomb’s inside the house with your son! Oh my gosh, Gabby’s in there too! I don’t really care if Danny dies. But Gabby! Noooo!!! Patrick’s like, if you want to save your son, you’ve got 60 seconds, so you better start running! So she does! And Gabby’s trying to untie Danny! But she’s having problems! And Angie’s still running! And Danny just thought of a new poem! And then . . . Angie stops running. Wha? Ever so slowly, she turns around and says ever so softly, “It’s in the detonator.” And Patrick’s like, “You bitch.” And then Patrick’s car explodes! I guess Patrick blows up too. But the car is way more interesting, am I right, folks? And that, my friends, is the end of Patrick. Was his plot and evil-ness as lame as Dave’s from season 5? I don’t know. I’m hard pressed, y’all.

Gabby hands Angie some money as the Bolens wait for a bus to take them away from Wisteria Lane. And it’s goodbye forever! No! I kind of wish Angie could stay, because without the stupid eco-terrorism crap, she brought a much needed bitchiness to the Lane. Angie says that she’s glad that Gabby came through for her, and they hug. Awwwww!

“Every year I’ll shove a post-it inside a Stouffer’s lasagna in remembrance of you.”

Nick and Angie give Danny a ticket to New York, and Nick and Angie say it’s time to let Danny live his life. Awwwww! But Angie and Nick say Danny can’t ever see them again! What?! Sad.

Bree stares at an empty bed and looks so, so sad, and Andrew comes in, and she tells him that Orson left her. Because she’s a hypocrite. Andrew asks if there’s anything he can do, and she asks for Andrew’s permission to do something she should have done a long time ago.

“I’d like your permission to eat Hot Pockets for dinner tonight.”

Back to the nurse’s secret! Many people are like, This will ruin the hospital! And one guy’s like, I know one of these families mentioned in this report, they live on Wisteria Lane, and how do you tell people that the child they’ve been raising isn’t really theirs?! Guh! What?! What person? What child?! I hope it’s a Scavo. Lord knows they do without a kid or two.

The gals say goodbye to Susan, and she tells them that Lee found someone to rent the house, and he’ll have some wonderful neighbors. And then sad goodbyes! And then, THEN, Bree looks all sad at Gabby, and she says that she’s not a good person, and that she needs to tell Gabby something, and it’s the kind of thing that could end their friendship, so they go to talk it out. Susan tells Mike to drive away slow. Sad. Still sad.

Mary Alice blahs about Susan leaving Wisteria Lane. Leaving Wisteria Lane! Susan looks on the street and vows she’ll be back, but she didn’t notice the car that passed her, and Lee introduces the new neighbor to his/her house on Wisteria Lane, and this is who it is:

OH. MY. GOOOOODDDD!!!

Pshaw. I wish! But actually, THIS is who will be moving to Wisteria Lane:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Hell yeah! So, that’s it, kids. I will miss Angie Bolen and her snark. I will miss Nick Bolen and his hit-and-miss accent. I will miss Danny Bolen’s poetry. I will not miss Eddie. Or Ana. Or Patrick. And who is this mysterious baby who has been raised by someone who isn’t really his/her parents?! And what does Paul Young intend to do now that he’s back in Wisteria Lane, and does this mean that the awesome Felicia Tillman will be returning as well?! And who will be the first reader to be weirded out by my all-consuming crush on Paul Young/Mark Moses (you guys, I would totally do him before any of the other guys on Desperate Housewives. But that’s a discussion for September.)?! I enjoyed this season more than 5, but it still wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be. I have high hopes now that Paul Young is back, and let’s hope that season 7 brings some of that good old DH magic back. Smell ya later!