Desperate Housewives: Frenemy Mine

This week on Desperate Housewives:  Gabby and Renee build a friendship on gossip, which always works well.  Tom’s mom comes to help out with the new baby, and Lynette looks that gift horse right in the mouth and insults it.  Susan has a hard time doing her private perv chats, until a mystery man makes her an offer she can’t refuse . . . or can she?  And Bree keeps having way too much sex with David Silver.

“I’m gonna tell you the same thing I told Glenn Beck in 1986:  There’s not enough K-Y in the world to get me to do that.”

INT. DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES WRITER’S ROOM:

WRITER1:  Hey, you know who I love?
WRITER2:  Nicollette Sheridan?
WRITER1:  Yes!  But I meant someone else.
WRITER2:  Betty Applewhite?
WRITER1:  God, no.  Dana Glover!
WRITER2:  Who the eff is that?  Is that Queen Latifah’s real name?
WRITER1:  Ummm, no.  Dana Glover.  She had an adult contemporary single in 2002.
WRITER2:  Yawn.
WRITER1:  And that song was on “Raising Helen!”
WRITER2:  Ohmigod I love that movie!
WRITER1:  I KNOW!
WRITER2:  Let’s get her on the show!
WRITER1:  Oh my god, I was JUST thinking that!  But, can we insert her into the plot organically, so it looks like we’re not just pulling shit out of our asses?
WRITER2 Pauses, stares at WRITER1 incredulously.
WRITER1:  Ha ha ha ha! Dude, I’m totally kidding!  
WRITER2: Oh, ha ha!  I was like, ‘But that’s all we do here at Desperate Housewives!’
WRITER1:  I know!  Oh, good times.  You think Marc Cherry will have a problem with this?
WRITER2:  Oh, we’ll just throw a fanny pack of Hostess fruit pies at him, and he’ll let us do whatever we want.
WRITER1:  You mean like the time we jumped ahead 5 years?
WRITER2:  Exactly.

END SCENE

And so, Gasmii, we begin this episode with Mary Alice blahing about Emma Graham, a housewife who we have never seen before and will never see again.

We do not care for you, Emma Graham.  Go back to writing songs for Shrek movies.

Emma has some bullcrap dream of doing a cabaret show, and she tells her husband that he’s going to pay for all of it.  So everyone meets at “The Smoke House Lounge” (dear lord) for Emma’s cabaret show.  We’re not even 2 minutes into this episode, folks.  Go get yourself some tequila.

Apparently, Emma’s husband had to pay for Dave Koz too.  But, um, I’m pretty sure that didn’t set him back too much.

Emma sings a song for her cabaret dealie.  She sings for a couple minutes, which is a nice break from recapping for me.

“I bet you were hoping for show tunes, weren’t you, Mary.”

Of course, since this is Desperate Housewives, nothing goes according to plan, which means that Renee and Gabby come out from the kitchen or something, and are trying to beat the crap out of each other.  Renee ends up punching Gabby in the face.  Credits!

Let’s go back to one week earlier, when this whole mess started, shall we?  Wouldn’t you like that?  An explanation for what went down?  A little exposition for our denouement?  Very well.  You just nurse that bottle of tequila, and let Hypnotoad do the rest.

Mary Alice blahs about how “she” knew that what she was doing was wrong and risky and stuff, as “she” puts on lingerie.  “She” is Susan, and “I” am not surprised.

“Okay, just gotta grab my purse and then I’ll be ready for that parent-teacher conference!”

Susan cranks up her laptop for her cam to cam sesh (that’s C2C for you newbies out there) with her private pervert.

We are not surprised that he is Rush Limbaugh.

Apparently, this fully-clothed man (I find it a little hard to believe that Susan didn’t open up her Skype to find nothing but a raging semi staring back at her face) wants Susan to show him her ta-tas.  Which, given the circumstances, isn’t surprising.  At all.  Susan says that it’s sexier to warm up with some hot talk, but the guy’s like, I just wanna see your “moneymakers.”  Susan:  “What are you, reading from a boob thesaurus?”  Hee.  He asks her if she’s lactating (ewwwwww) so she slams her computer shut and ends the session.  Cut to LandLainie yelling at Susan and firing her.

David Silver and Bree are coming back from a date.  I guess Bree took him to a fancy restaurant and she had to help him with the forks.  They start making out, and cut to the next day, late morning, when all four ladies (ALL FOUR OF THEM!) are on Gabby’s porch.  At first I thought, Well this is obviously a Saturday, but then I realized that none of these women have actual outside-the-home jobs, so why not get drunk on a Thursday morning?  Oh, and Bree had sex with Keith three times last night.

“Three!  That’s how many Golden Globes I didn’t win!”

Renee shows up with a bottle of champagne to celebrate her divorce settlement, and she wants all the girls to come over for dinner to continue the celebration.  The only one who can go is Gabby, and she doesn’t even really like Renee.  I’m sure they’ll get along great.  Hey, maybe they can go to Emma’s cabaret show together!

Meanwhile, Tom and Lynette are interviewing people for the Not Really Needed Nanny position.  No one’s working out, but Tom says he lined up one more person for the job, and she’s practically perfect in every way.

“That’s right, Penny.  I called your mother a dumbass for giving all her children names that start with ‘P.’  Now go get me an Us Weekly and a Budweiser Select.”

Who is Mystery Nanny?!  Yeah, it’s Tom’s mom, Allison.

Renee and Gabby are drinking champagne and gabbing away about marriage and husbands.

And hopefully later there will be an Aqua-Net intervention.

Renee and Gabby agree that being beautiful is both a blessing and a curse, and they wax about how they use their beauty to get out of traffic tickets and what-not.   Or, in Renee’s case, using her naked body to get an $8 million settlement out of her ex’s lawyer.  I’m not judging her, because I would TOTALLY sleep with someone for $8 million.  Wouldn’t even hesitate.  But now that Renee has told Gabby something juicy, she needs a secret from Gabby, to ensure that Gabby won’t blab all over the Lane about how much of a ho she is.  Renee guesses that Gabby had a nose job, and it turns out, Gabby did.  There.  So they both have secrets on each other, and neither will tell anyone about them, and I have horrible short term memory, so I’m going to assume that this is the end of this story and everything will work out just fine.

Tom’s mom is making breakfast, and Tom’s sort of treating her like shit, making her fix french toast instead of the scrambled eggs she’s already made and what-not.  Paige starts crying, and Allison goes to take care of her.  Lynette tells Tom that she can’t stand having his mom around because when she’s there, Tom turns into some chauvinistic a-hole who demands french toast and coffee.

Mike’s at the bank, and Lee runs into him, telling him that Paul Young is interested in buying Mike and Susan’s house (the one he’s renting and living in, in case you didn’t know that).  Mike is understandably pissed, and pretty much tells Lee to go eff himself.  When Lee calls Paul with the news, Paul is disappointed, but says he has another plan in the works.

“Screw it.  I’m just gonna go ahead and buy Marvin Gardens.  And maybe a little house to put on Baltic Avenue.”

There’s trouble a’brewin’ back at the bank, where Mike’s surprised to find out how little money is in his account.  Susan’s back at the apartment, on the horn trying to appraise some jewelry.  Lynette comes over to give back a necklace she borrowed, and while she’s there, Mike barges in and tells Susan that he was at the bank and they’re missing $9,000.  Susan is all, “You went to the bank?!”  Oh my god!  And I bet that he probably went to the grocery store!  And the post office!  Dear sweet lord — THE POST OFFICE!!  NOT THE POST OFFICE!  NOOOOO!  Mike asks her about the money and why she needed it, and Lynette is like, She gave it to me because our family needed it, and Susan says that Lynette will have it paid off by Friday.

After Mike leaves, Susan thanks Lynette, and Lynette asks Susan if there’s anything she wants to tell her.  So, Susan tells Lynette about her recent job.  And of course, Lynette goes into instant judgment mode.  Susan yells about how broke she and Mike are, and how they can’t afford hot lunches for M.J.  Really?  Because I haven’t seen him since the first episode, so I just assumed Susan sold him to John Travolta and Kelly Preston or something.  Anyway, Susan goes on about how they don’t have any money, so how dare Lynette judge her for trying to feed her family.  Lynette apologizes.

Doug — Renee’s ex — shows up at her doorstep with flowers and an explanation.  He says he misses her and that he made a mistake by sleeping with someone else.  He wants another chance, but Renee says she’s happy in Fairview.  But Doug has a Cartier ring and totes wants to buy back her love.

Bree and David Silver are back from their evening out at the theatre, and Bree wonders “what the angel represented when he flew down in the middle of the night.”  He probably represented God, Bree.  Or Jesus.  Doi.  Keith says he was too busy looking for the wires.  Bree asks him if he wants some dessert, so she goes to the kitchen and whips out some strawberries and whipped cream.  Otherwise known as The Bullshit Dessert.  Keith’s got something else in mind.

Like his wang.

Bree and Keith do it on the kitchen table.  And the stairs.  And the shower.

The next day, Bree’s having some difficulty walking around.  She doesn’t even have enough energy to make proper crudites.  Which is literally just raw vegetables.  So you know that her va-jay-jay is wicked sore if she can’t even cut celery.  She tells Lynette and Gabby that she can’t take all the sexin’ but she doesn’t want Keith to think she’s old and junk.  It’s a conundrum.  Renee joins them and tells everyone about what Doug did and said last night, and shows off the ring he gave her.  While Lynette and Bree tell Renee that she’s invested 10 years into the marriage so she’d be fine with thinking it over, Gabby thinks she’s crazy to go back with him because Doug cheated on her.  Seriously, Gabby?  Moral advice from a woman who sexed up a high school kid?  Moral advice from a woman who cheated on her husband with her ex-husband?  That’s like Lindsay Lohan giving a D.A.R.E. lecture at my old junior high.  Followed by a tolerance skit by Mel Gibson.  And acting lessons from Mischa Barton and Ashton Kutcher.

Anyway, there’s more pot/kettle madness as Gabby tells Renee that Doug is just trying to buy her off — which Carlos has NEVER done, and Gabby would NEVER accept his gifts if he did so — and Renee tells Gabby to “keep her fake nose out of it.”  Uh-oh.  The cat’s out of the bag, and she has some major claws.  Bree and Lynette totally give her crap for having a nose job and telling them all these years that she was a “natural beauty.”

Bree’s still tired from the David Silver lovin’, but all of a sudden, she comes up with a plan:  She’ll make Keith do so many projects around the house that he’ll be too tired to even get an erection.

Tom’s leaving for a business trip, and Lynette tells him that it’s actually worked out nice having his mom around to help out.  At dinner, while Allison serves everyone, she wonders why Lynette would want to go back to work.  All the Scavo boys are making their mee-maw run around to get them milk and soda (without saying please, or even asking nicely), and Allison tells Penny that she needs to help out, because she’s a girl and the women folk need to serve the men folk because they’ve had busy days.  Lynette tells Allison that the men “get off their asses and help themselves” in her house.  Allison wonders why it’s a “sin” to be a housewife who cooks and cleans nowadays — when she was married, she cooked and cleaned for her husband and he never wanted for nothing.  Lynette is all, Yeah that worked out great for you, cuz “he had an affair and left.”  Yeowza.

“Just when I think it’s not even remotely possible to hate you more, you open your mouth and say shit like that.”

Also, didn’t Ryan O’Neal play Tom’s dad?  I call complete b.s. on the fact that he’d marry Allison.

Bree’s in bed, reading.

“‘Sleep, my Bella. Dream happy dreams. You are the only one who has ever touched my heart. It will always be yours. Sleep, my only love.’  Oh my god, are you freaking kidding me with this crap?”

Keith comes in and says that he’s finished all his projects.  He’s so exhausted and wants to go home.  Bree tells him that he should spend the night with her.  Because, yeah, that’s not an invitation for sex or anything, Bree.  So, I’m not sure why she’s so surprised with she feels David Silver’s chubby as he snuggles against her.  Bree tells Keith that she just can’t keep up with his sex drive, and then Keith says that he can’t keep up with Bree’s intellect and hifalutin’ ways.  And that’s why he keeps trying to impress her with his penis.  Bree assures him that she likes him just the way he is.

Tom gets home from his business trip to find the new nanny, Jenny, feeding Penny.  I guess Allison left.  Tom’s obviously shocked to see Jenny, and tells Lynette that he needs to talk to her, asking her to wait upstairs.  When Tom re-joins Lynette, he tells her that he fired Jenny.  Lynette says he had no right to do that, and Tom tells Lynette that she had no right to make his mom feel unwelcome.  Word, Tom.  Lynette says that she doesn’t want Allison to raise her grandkids to think that women need to be subservient to men.  Word, Lynette.  Tom says that Lynette always gets to make the decision, but not this time!  Tom’s putting his foot down.

Susan’s back at the school, teaching the kids about shapes and art and –

Chalkboard diagrams about 9/11?  WTF?

She gets a phone call from LandLainie, who tells her that she’s willing to offer Susan another chance.  Turns out there’s this guy who wants a private session with her and is willing to offer her “serious” money.  Hmmm.  Who could this mystery man be?  Yeah.  You totally know.

Annnnnnd we’re back to Emma’s cabaret show.  Carlos and Gabby are there, and Gabby’s still pissed at Renee.  Then Renee and Doug show up, and they’re all happy about reconciling.  Gabby offers to take some complimentary champagne over to Doug and Renee’s table, where she effectively tells Doug that Renee boned his lawyer.  Subtle, Gabby.  While Emma sings her song, Renee pulls Gabby aside to yell at her for being pathetic, Gabby calls Renee a slut, and then there’s a cat-fight between the two of them, culminating in Renee punching Gabby in the nose.

The next morning, Doug calls Renee and tells her that he’s been thinking about what happened, and since they both banged other people, then maybe they should just call it even and get back together.

Allison’s sitting at the Scavo table, when Lynette comes over to pour her some coffee and apologize for what she said.  Allison tells Lynette that it’s nice to feel useful around the house.  She again wonders why Lynette wants to give up cooking and crap for her family to go back to work.  Lynette tells Allison that that’s just who she is. Lynette leaves to take care of Paige.  Penny comes in to grab a cookie, and — of course — Allison asks Penny what her name is, and if she lives in the house.  Ah, yes — the Alzheimer’s plot.

“Well, I can’t say I’m surprised to hear that, since you also apparently added canadian bacon to these cookies.”

Renee and Gabby meet for a vapid mea culpa.  Gabby tells Renee that even though she thinks Doug screwed her over, she had no right to butt in.  Renee tells Gabby that she turned Doug down and won’t be getting back together with him.  They hug.  Awwww.

Susan’s all ready for her last cam session, but it turns out the guy is kind of shy — he just shows her his arm and waves.  Who knows what he’s doing with his other arm?  I do.  Probably.  Susan asks him to tell her his name, and he’s all, “I think you know my name.”  Turns out, the guy is Paul Young.  I would have added an exclamation point to that last sentence, but we all know he was the one.  Why delude ourselves with false punctuation?  Susan, however, is totes surprised.  She tries to slam the computer shut, but doesn’t quite close it, and Paul’s still there.  She opens it back up and asks Paul what he wants.  He tells her he wants her house and he’s willing to pay a large price for it.  He insinuates that if she doesn’t sell her house to him, that he’ll tell Mike and M.J. about what she’s been doing lately.  He’s giving her a couple of days to think about it.

Mary Alice blahs about how Paul knew what he was doing was wrong, dangerous, and risky, but he wants to punish everyone.  He has a plan to pit “neighbor against neighbor and friend against friend, and it was going to succeed.”  Ooooh, interesting!  I’m serious.  It’s actually kind of interesting.

Next Week:  Halloween on Wisteria Lane!