Desperate Housewives: Jammin’

Mary Alice says that Renee has been waiting months for a proposal from Ben.  Really?  Because I kind of thought that he proposed to her a couple weeks ago.  So, we’re just gonna drop that whole thing, then?  You’re not even going to acknowledge it, DH writers?  You say it’s the last season and people won’t even notice?  Well, *I* noticed, DH writers.  I noticed and I call shenanigans on you.  Shenanigans!  There’s a montage of romantic moments that seem like proposals, but turn out to be nothing.

“I brought a lambskin one because I’m allergic to latex.”

Ben didn’t even hide a ring in a souffle.  Wasn’t there an episode of this show where someone was digging through a chocolate souffle to find a ring?  I wanna say it was either Susan or Edie . . . I don’t know.  Maybe I’m confused.  Oh, wait, Ben acknowledges that his first proposal was so horrible that he wanted it to be special.  Renee finally bullies him into proposing only to be interrupted by the police, who want to ask him about a body they found on his construction site.  But Renee says “yes” right before they cart him off.  Credits.

Bree’s out getting her paper when Renee and Ben show up to announce that they’re getting married and, by the way, the cops came by to ask about some body they found at the site.  Ben tells Bree that he didn’t know anything about it and the police aren’t really going to do anything about it.

Meanwhile, down at the police station, that fat cop who had a boner for Chuck is out to get Bree.  He’s closer to getting a warrant for her arrest.

And back at Casa de No Mikey, Susan is getting lots of food and crap from people who are sad to hear about Mike.  It’s time for M.J.’s breakfast, but he doesn’t want Susan’s stinky eggs and toast.  No, M.J. wants to eat ice cream straight from the carton and he wants to eat it in front of the TV.  Susan’s cool with that, since your dad dying gives you an excuse to be a little asshole, apparently.  I wish my dad — NO.  Not even gonna start that joke, kids.

Gabby’s making sausage for Carlos’ big day — he’s going to quit making money to “help people” in need, if you remember.  Want a tip, Carlos?  You can help ME by taking off your shirt.

I feel better already.

Gabby’s decided to get a job!  This should be hilarious.  Or, at the very least, mildly amusing.  I’m sorry — at the very least, it should be disappointing.  She has a meeting with a job agency today, so she’s super excited about that.  And Carlos says she needs a job with health insurance, because his ends today.  Um, what?  I find it hard to believe that a company as large as Carlos’s doesn’t have C.O.B.R.A.  Or is that just effective if you’re fired?  I don’t know.  I’m too lazy to do any research — Oh, hey, look at me!  I’m a Desperate Housewives writer!

Renee is telling Lynette that she wants an over-the-top wedding.  She wonders if she should talk to Lynette about it now that Lynette is so sad and lonely.  But Lynette says she has a plan to get Tom back.  Renee wants Lynette to act like a slut, but Lynette’s not havin’ it.  Which, I wonder why?  Tom’s a guy, guys like sex, guys like easy sex, so why shouldn’t Lynette act like she’ll give it up for Tom?  The easiest way to win a guy back is through his penis.  My mom has that cross-stitched on a pillow somewhere . . .

Oh, hey, Andrew’s back!  Bree’s happy to see him, but she’s concerned because his sister told Bree that Andrew lost his job.  And he and Alex broke up, so that’s a bummer.  Especially since Alex was a cute doctor and all Andrew would have had to do is vacuum the house once a week and then eat ice cream.  But Andrew’s met somebody else and wants Bree to meet that person.  Why am I saying “that person” and not “him?”

Because that person has a vagina.

It’s Mary Beth.  Andrew’s fiancee.  Possibly his fiance.  Also, his fiancee/fiance has a vagina.  Bree says that Mary Beth is a little different than the other “dates” that Andrew’s brought home.  Here’s how they met:  Mary Beth was at the community center for her over-eaters anonymous meeting but she went into the A.A. meeting “by mistake” and there was Andrew.  Bree pulls Andrew into the kitchen for some “tea biscuits” where she says she doesn’t understand.  Andrew’s like, You were right, it’s just a phase and I just had to meet the right girl, so be happy for me, darn it!

Back at the House Without a Plumber, Susan overhears M.J. and Julie fighting.  Julie’s trying to get M.J. back to bed, but he wants to stay up and play his video games.  Susan tells M.J. that he can totes play for a while and then go back to bed.  Julie pulls Susan aside to tell her that even though what M.J.’s going through is awful, he’s taking advantage of Susan.  But Susan says she’s just trying to bring him a little joy.  By letting him be an asshole.

Gabby’s at the job agency and it’s not really going well, considering she didn’t graduate high school and was a model.  And even though that seems to have worked for Cameron Diaz (I’m just assuming she didn’t finish high school because, well . . . come on), it’s not good for Gabby.  Gabby gets all huffy and leaves.

When you don’t have a job and you’re out of money, what better way to make yourself feel better by going deeper in debt?

And by buying dresses that, frankly, you could find at JC Penney.

Call me a bad gay, but I’ve never really seen the point of fashion.  Yes, it’d be exciting to go to Fashion Week, but only really for the parties and free champagne (in my head, *everyone* gets free champagne).  If you can find something that looks similar to some fancy-schmancy Badgley Mischka dress at Target?  Then get it.  Although if I were super-rich I’d totally wear that fancy crap.  Anyway, let’s get back to the Latina version of Pretty Woman, Chica Bonita.

“Lo siento.  Mary Pat, Mary Kate, Mary Frances, y Tovah no estan aqui.”

Gabby tells the store-dude that she just wants a scarf.  And a dress.  And a bunch of other fashion-y stuff.  Fashion montage!  If you want, mute your TV or computer and play “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” or “Supermodel” during this scene.  It’s fun!  Apparently, everyone who works at the store and everyone who’s shopping in it has stopped to find out what Gabby’s going to buy and applaud her when she coordinates an outfit.  That happened to me once.  At Dollar General.

Back at Chateau de Beard, Bree, Andrew, and Mary Beth are sitting down to a lovely meal.  Mary Beth is weird, but the actress is fun.  I’ve never seen her before, but she’s v. funny.  Mary Beth is rich because her parents created “Mary Beth’s Frozen Custard,” which is, according to Bree, “everywhere.”  Why, it’s a billion dollar company and ohhhhhhhhhhh that’s why Andrew’s marrying her.  Bree pulls Andrew aside and Andrew insists that he loves her and junk.  I say go for it, Andrew. I mean, don’t pretend about any of this love crap, but I’d marry one of my girl-friends in a heartbeat just for the tax breaks and benefits.  Bree insists that Andrew loves the peen and he was just born that way.  Andrew is “here and queer” and Bree’s “used to it.”  Oh, I never get tired of that one.  Oh, wait, I TOTALLY DO.  Writers — saying “You’re here, you’re queer, I’m used to it” is no longer funny, okay?  Stop using it.

Tom and Jane have brought Penny back home and Penny is totes in a mood because Lynette won’t take her to the Taylor Swift concert.  Sounds like a good mom to me.  But when Lynette goes upstairs, Jane says that she’ll take her, of course.  Usurper!  But it turns out this was just a diabolical plan between Lynette and Penny to give Lynette some alone time with Tommy Boy.  Well played, Scavo women.  Well played.

Carlos is home, so Gabby scrambles to hide everything that she bought.  Except she’s still wearing a thigh high boot, which makes Carlos suspicious, but not as suspicious as the call he got from the bank regarding how much money someone blew with their credit card.  Gabby’s all, “I bought a gift!  For a woman!  Whose husband is in Iraq!  Fighting for our freedom!”  Hee.  Carlos tells her to take that shit back and head over to the Dress Barn, because they’re poor now.  Gabby confesses that the job agency administrator told her she was basically stupid and useless.

“She asked me how many words I can type per minute and I got scared and started singing ‘The Alphabet Song’ but I forgot ‘P’ through ‘W.’”

“Yeah, that’s . . . That’s something.  Aww, look who’s pretty!  Look who’s pretty!”

Gabby says that her life is full of bad decisions, except her family, and she feels like she’s letting them down.

“Awwww . . . But yes.  Yes.  You are.  Completely.”

Carlos lies and says that Gabby is smart and that she’ll figure out something “great,” but before then, she’ll have to return all her clothes.

Susan gets a call from the principal and heads out to the school, where apparently Asshole M.J. threw a stapler at Mrs. Butters (his teacher, not the mother of Leopold Stotch).  Susan insists it’s an accident, but M.J. had intent to maim.  Mrs. Butters feels bad that Mike died and all, but there’s no room for violence in her class.

“Also, I feel like your husband died for no reason other than shock value, so I’m pretty much over it.”

Preach, Butters.  Susan says that M.J. is going through heavy shit, but Mrs. Butters says that her head hurts like a bitch and M.J. didn’t apologize, so she’s considering having him removed from her class.  Susan wonders why Mrs. Butters isn’t reaching out to M.J. more, but Mrs. Butters is all, I have 20 other kids I have to protect, but Susan doesn’t get it (because she’s Susan and has the foresight of a hamster) and then shoves a bunch of crap off Mrs. Butters desk and onto Butters’s foot, which totes smarts.  Way to go, Delfino family.

Gabby’s back at the store where everyone is still talking about how awesome Gabby is at shopping and then long story short, the manager or team lead or whatever offers her a job as a personal shopper, because she’s awesome at shopping.  Yaaaayyy or whatever.

Bree has Andrew and Mary Beth over for a little reception to apologize for being weirded out.  It seems some people just don’t see the point of a gay dude marrying his beard.

“Tell me about it.”

Esposito is pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down.  Bree’s reception is pretty much a gay old time, since Bree invited all of Andrew’s gay friends.  I’m sure all Bree had to put on the invitation was “free champagne” because you guys?  We queers are all about the free champagne.  Some of Andrew’s friends are cute, but none of them are my type.  They’re all too skinny and have way too much product in their hair.  Bree introduces Mary Beth as Andrew’s fiancee and then Andrew gets pulled away by Bryan and Brian to “dish.”  In the kitchen, Mary Beth tells Bree that she knows that Andrew’s gay.  “We’ve never actually made love and he has a picture of Michael Phelps next to his bed.  Says it’s patriotic, but . . .”  HAHAHA!  And then she makes this awesome face:

Can we have a Mary Beth spin-off?  Because I would totally watch that.  Totally.  Bree wonders why Mary Beth is marrying Andrew.  She says she used to be so fat and when she lost the weight, she thought men would look at her differently, but that didn’t happen, and Andrew was the first guy to be nice to her and treat her with respect so, what the heck?

Why not?  It worked for Monica Geller.

Although technically, Chandler wasn’t really “nice” to Fat Monica.  But he is super-gay.  Not as gay as Ross, however.  Mary Beth says that Andrew is the best she can do.  Awwwwww!  Sad!  Bree tells her that she can’t settle for companionship — she needs love.  F**k that.  I say settle, bitches!  SETTLE!  Mary Beth pulls Andrew aside to talk.

Lynette is lighting some candles.  Like, a shit ton of candles.

Seriously.  It’s like a Stevie Nicks concert in there.

Brings a new meaning to rooms on fire, doesn’t it?  Thank you!  I’m here all night!  Tom comes over because “the power went out” and even though Tom came all the way over to “fix it,” Lynette called the company and it’s some line or wire or something and they’ll have to fix it tomorrow, so Tom came over for nothing.  Oh, except Lynette is making beef bourguignon for dinner and it happens that that’s Tom’s fave.  (Let’s assume that the houses on Wisteria Lane have gas stoves and ovens, okay?  That’ll just make it easier.)  Oh and Lynette pulled out the old photo album, just cuz, you know, she has to have something to do before Stevie takes the stage.  Tom agrees to stay.  Let the seduction commence!

Bree’s party is over and her house looks like that scene in Rosemary’s Baby.  When the party is over.  That wasn’t funny and it went nowhere, so let’s just continue, okay?  Andrew storms in all mad because Mary Beth dumped him and why is Bree more concerned about Mary Beth than him?  Bree’s not — she’s looking out for Andrew, for who can be happy in a love-less marriage?  Girl, I can, if she or he is rich!  Andrew doesn’t have a job and he’s alone and shit and he doesn’t want to go to his mom for help AGAIN, but Bree tells him that he should totes ask her for help.  So Bree says she’ll help — Andrew can stay in his old house and smoke pot in his room and push his mom around and f**k her boyfriend just like the old days!  Yay!

Back at the House of Wax, Tom and Lynette are looking at photos and reminiscing about family and kids and trips and junk.  Lynette gives Tom a look of seduction and love and then there’s more talk of memories and then, of course, Tom’s sleeve catches on fire and ruins the moment.  Lynette pours wine on it to get it out and then turns on the light to see how injured Tom is.  Oops.  Tom figures out that Lynette tricked him but Lynette insists that Tom still feels something for her.  But Tom ain’t havin’ that since he and Jane just moved in together.  Penny gets back from the concert and hops into bed with her mom to comfort her and ask her what’ll happen now.  Penny tells her not to give up because Taylor Swift didn’t give up when she sang “You Belong With Me” or whatever.  She also dated John Mayer, so I’m not so sure I’d take her advice.

Tom and Jane are discussing Tom’s burn and how Jane doesn’t want Tom to have anymore candlelit dinners with Lynette.  It’s time for sex, but Tom says he has some work to do.  Oooh, burn.  Literally, I guess.

Susan takes Asshole M.J. to the garage to tell him that it’s not okay to throw staplers at people and junk.  She says that she just wanted to cover up M.J.’s anger with ice cream and video games, but that shit needs to be let out.  And since they can’t hurt people, they can “hurt jam.”  So Susan puts some safety goggles on the two of them and starts throwing jars of jam at the wall, telling M.J. he should do the same thing to get his anger out.

God, no, not the apple butter!  NOT THE APPLE BUTTER!!!!!!!!

What a waste of good jam . . .  Susan and M.J. start crying and hug each other.  Aw, tender moment.  Ruined by the smell of boysenberry mixed with old motor oil.

Bree and Renee are discussing wedding plans and Bree brings up the construction body.  Renee says the cops figured out the dude died 8 months ago and he was probably some drifter.  Bree’s in the clear!  Until next episode, probably.

Mary Alice talks about taking opportunities and how we should, take them, I guess.  Bree calls Ben and thanks him for keeping her secret and protecting her.  Of course, the fuzz is listening in on her phone conversation, because it’s THAT easy to do it and probably not illegal in any way, shape, or form.  Fat Cop With Chuck Boner is in the van, listening to the phone call, all, “Gotcha.”

Next episode recap up tomorrow!  And next week’s recap will be on time if it kills me.  But I hope it doesn’t.

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