Desperate Housewives: Juanita With a J!

Hey DH Gasmii!  Shameless plug:  I was interviewed by the Chicago Sun-Times online, so if you want to read all about it, head on over to:  http://blogs.suntimes.com/ourtown/2011/03/quick_fiction.html

A couple things.  First, if you’re on Facebook, you should “like” the official DH page, because some people take that crap so seriously that it’s hilarious.  One lady last week was all, “If Susan kills herself, that will send a horrible message to people with kidney problems on dialysis and those waiting for organ donation.”  I mean, seriously?  You can’t make that shit up.  Also, I was watching Season 2 of DH the other day, and here’s the deal with Gabby:  In season 2, she had a miscarriage, and THEN she and Carlos lost the baby of which they were granted custody.  So Gabby lost TWO babies in one season, and it took her about 1 episode each time to get over that.  So why did she go to Lynette for advice this season about losing a baby?  Seems like Lynette should have gone to Gabby for advice when she lost HER baby last year, right?  And why would Gabby make such a HUGE deal over “losing” Grace this season?  Much more than she did when she had a freaking miscarriage and lost a baby that she had been raising (well, Xiao Mei did most of the work, but still)!  Ugh.  That’s really bugging me.  Have none of these writers even seen the early seasons of the show?!

Also, I was watching the season 2 special features, and there’s an unaired storyline for Susan in which she’s thrown out of her publisher’s office (she wrote a first chapter of an adult novel) and learned she was blacklisted from the children’s publishing world because her ex-manager embezzled.  Which I guess solves the mystery of why Susan didn’t go back to illustrating when M.J. came along.  But what did she do before that?  I don’t know.  Sheesh.  Okay.  Let’s get started.

Mary Alice wants us to know that the suburbs are full of parents, who all have different ways of parenting.  But the one thing they all have in common?  Judging other parents.  She tells us this as Gabby walks by Bob and Lee’s house, where Lee’s helping his new daughter practice her violin.  Gabby’s all, “I see Jenny’s practicing again.”  Hold up.  Wait a second.  Just a minute.  Hang on.  Hold your horses.  Whatever happened to “Liza?”  Just like four freaking episodes ago (or something, since this show tends to air one episode a month now), Bob and Lee were like, “Her name is Liza because we’re gay and that’s supposed to be funny, I guess.”  And now it’s Jenny?  Seriously, NO ONE said anything?  I feel like Annie Wilkes in Misery.

“They just cheated us!  This isn’t fair!  THEY NAMED HER COCK-A-DOODIE LIZA JUST A FEW COCK-A-DOODIE WEEKS AGO!”

I guess Lee’s been sort of forcing Jenny(Not Liza) to practice the violin.  Way to go, Tiger Dad. Gabby says that’s a big mistake because the kid will just end up hating it.  Which is kind of true, I guess.  I guess Jenny(Not Liza) also knows Mandarin Chinese.  Anyway, Gabby says that you just need to let the kid focus on what he/she wants to do and then praise him/her for doing that.  Right.  Because so many parents just let their kids smoke pot and play Super Mario Kart all day and say, “I’m so proud of you!”  I don’t think it works that way, Gabby.  And neither does Lee, who’s all, So — what’s Juanita going to do for the school talent show then?  Gabby says that Juanita is so talented in so many things that it’s hard to pin down what she’s going to do.  Is eating cake a talent?  Cuz Juanita’s proven that she’s good at that.  Gabby says that the talent show will be a showdown of different parenting skills.  Good to know that parents still see talent shows as something that’s all about them instead of their kids.

Back at home, Juanita is eating ice cream and watching television, and she’s having such an innocent, fun time that I’m kind of jealous.  Gabby asks her what she’s going to for the talent show and Juanita’s all, “It’s going to be so great!  Watch!”  Juanita’s talent?  Armpit farts!!

“For my next celebrity fart impression — Al Roker!”

Ha ha ha!  Oh, Juanita.  Why can’t you be the focus of every episode?  Or have your own spin-off or webisodes?  Gabby’s not impressed, sadly.  If Juanita was my daughter, I’d totally be all for it.  Credits time?  Huh.  I thought we’d done those already.

Hey, Mary Alice?  Could you do me a favor and lecture me about something and make it a metaphor for something else?  You could?!  Thank you!  Tell me about pleasure, Mary Alice, and how many different forms there are, and also about how we can’t really have pleasure if our lives don’t have meaning or something like that.  There we go.  Thanks.  Beth has come back to her house, as if that time when Paul shoved her down the stairs and threw her out of the house with a gun never happened.  Denial!  Beth is all, I’m back from the store and I’m gonna make lamb chops tonight!  Paul’s all, Um I kicked your weird sexually-repressed ass out on the street, so you’re gonna have to go.  Beth says it was just a fight and that she wants to come back.  Paul thinks the whole thing is a set-up by Felicia, and even though Beth explains that at first it started out as a ruse, she fell in love with Paul because she knows that he couldn’t have possibly murdered Martha Huber.  And then Paul says that she’s wrong, and even though he doesn’t come right out and say “I killed Martha Huber,” he does insinuate that he totally did kill her.  He’s like, “Now we both feel betrayed.”  Ooh, burn!

Back at Juanita’s house (yay!), Gabby opens Juanita’s closet door and shows her all the things they bought for her because she wanted them.  Like a guitar (Juanita: “The strings hurt my fingers.”) and a tennis racket (“I use it to pretend I’m playing guitar.” Ha ha ha ha ha!).  Gabby tells Juanita that she needs something to do at the talent show, to which Juanita’s all, “But I’m already doing something.”

“I call this one The Michael Moore!”

Gabby says that hand farts aren’t really a talent (liar!), so she tells Juanita that she has to do tap dancing, since she spent two months on it already, and that’s a record.  But Juanita doesn’t want to and says she’ll tell jokes instead.  Juanita:  “A Jewish guy and a Mexican walk into a bar –”  Ha ha ha ha!  Gabby shuts that one down real quick.  Okay.  I bet Eva Longoria had so much fun shooting this episode.  And Madison De La Garza, who plays Juanita, totally deserves an Emmy nomination.  Am I right, folks?

Over at Bree’s house, creepy Reverend Sykes is over for tea.  His first question?  “So, have you killed someone?”

“Reverend!  I’m insulted!  Now please finish your poison scone.  Cranberry!  I mean cranberry poison.  I mean scone!  Scone!  Cranberry scone!  With poison.  Dammit!”

To be honest, it’s a relevant question.  He posits that the food she serves is indicative of why she asked him to come over — the more scrumptious the food, the worse the thing Bree has done.  He says the scones are so yummy that Bree must have done something really horrible.  Bree says that she feels like Job.  For those of you unfamiliar with that book called the Bible, Job is the dude who lost his family and friends, whose animals dropped dead and therefore he lost his livelihood, and if that wasn’t enough, he was then covered with pus-filled painful boils all over his body, just so God could prove a point.  To the devil.  Yup, God totally ruined a man’s life just to settle a bet.  Bree says she feels like God’s taken everything from her — she’s lost her livelihood (thanks, Robot Sam from last year!), her kids never call her, and now Keith is gone.  Reverend Sykes says that it’s not “body boils and dead camels,” but he can see where she’s coming from.  He tells this story about his dad driving him to the inner city Bronx to hand out blankets to the homeless.  He tells Bree that looking at what’s been taken from us isn’t really a good way to live — it’s much better to look at what we can do for people.  I, for one, can give you this recap, and in that way, I’m a lot like Jesus.

Oh, I guess they figured that we should see what Lynette’s up to this week.  Which is cleaning out Porter and Preston’s room.  She invited Renee to help her out, because someone has to provide the bitchy comments since Edie was electrocuted because Marc Cherry hated her left the show.  Oh man, can you imagine if both Edie and Renee were on the show?  Oh, that would be heavenly.  Anyway, Renee is, of course, complaining about everything and then tells Lynette that she doesn’t see why Lynette is being so emotional.  And then Lynette says the thing that parents always say that only results in pissing off people with no kids:  “You don’t have children so you don’t get it.”  Yeah, that may be true?  But don’t say it.  We know that already.  It just makes you sound like a turd.  Lynette says it’s a good thing that her kids are moving on, but she’s crying, so it’s still hard for her.  And since Lynette’s so comfortable about showing her vulnerability around other people, she immediately leaves.

“Just because I didn’t hear it doesn’t mean I can’t smell it, Lynette!”

Susan and Mike are at the hospital.  Okay, I have to say something here, because I feel it must be said:  Teri Hatcher is gorgeous.  She’s always been gorgeous, she’ll always be gorgeous.  But is it just me or is her face a little thicker than it used to be?  Again, she looks fabulous regardless and her body is sick in a good way (we’ve all seen the lingerie cleaning episodes), and this may be something done with makeup or something on purpose because of her kidney problems (?).  But her face just looks a little different.  There.  I said it.  Girl can totally still work it, though.

Anyway.  She and Mike are talking with the specialist and things aren’t good.  Her creatine levels are low, and they don’t know why (or, the writer of this episode gave up surfing the Web M.D. website for reasons and decided to call it a day).  The specialist says that they’re going to do everything they can to find a kidney, but things aren’t looking good, so Susan should live her life, and if there are things she wants to do, she should do them now.

“Well, I’ve always wanted to record an album of Color Me Badd cover songs.”

“Do something else.”

In the elevator, Susan tells Mike that for their anniversary, they should go on a picnic in the woods, where they got married.

To refresh your memory.  For once, the continuity works.

(You should go back and watch that episode, by the way.  It’s really sweet.  It’s the Season 3 finale.)  Mike says that’s great, but their anniversary isn’t until July, but Susan says they need to do it now.

Susan has the gals over for coffee and tells them the dialysis isn’t working, that she needs a new kidney and there’s nothing she can do until she gets one.  Or, you know, she dies.  The gals tell Susan that she needs to cast a wider kidney net and they offer to go door-to-door and ask everyone until they find someone who’s willing to part with one of their major organs.  That should go well.  Susan says that she can’t ask people to make that kind of sacrifice for her.  When Susan goes to get more coffee, Bree says that she’s going to do it anyway.  And so Bree goes door-to-door canvassing for a kidney for Susan.  McCluskey says she’s too old, Lee says he’s too sexy to get a scar (um, Lee?  I think you’re confusing yourself with Bob.), and Mitzi just says “No!” over and over again.

Renee wanders into Lynette’s house to announce that she wants a baby, because Lynette said that kids give your life meaning.  Oh, brother.  Lynette tells Renee that she doesn’t need a baby to give her life some meaning, even though she totally said the opposite yesterday.  Renee made an appointment with an adoption agency.  Oh, geez.  Lynette blahs about how babies are a big sacrifice but Renee says that Lynette makes it harder than it needs to be, which Lynette takes really well.  Although, she really doesn’t, because she’s Lynette.  Lynette’s all, Why don’t you babysit Paige for a night or two, test out the baby thing?  Renee says she’s going to be a natural.  A natural disaster, maybe!

Susan and Mike are packing the car with the picnic fixins — caviar, fancy cheeses, expensive stuff.  Oh, they’re going to have so much fun!  Except that they left the picnic basket on top of the car so it flies off as they drive away.

Nothing says “picnic” like plastic wine glasses and spreading a banana on a cracker.

Back at Juanita’s house (yay!), she says she doesn’t want to do tap anymore.  Gabby’s all, “We’re not a family of quitters.”  And just as all of us are going, “Uh!  You totally are!” Juanita’s all, “You quit all the time!  Yesterday we played hide and seek — we looked for you for over an hour before we saw your car was gone.”  HA!  Gabby asks Juanita if she’s getting better at tap and Juanita says that she is, so Gabby encourages her.  A little bit.  Just a little bit.  Carlos gets his patented Season 7 Episode Argument With Gabby Screen Time (Because That’s All He Can Do Now) and asks Gabby what the big deal is, since it’s only a school talent show.  I wish my school had talent shows.  The closest we ever came was making a music video to Paula Abdul’s “Straight Up” in my 7th grade social studies class.  Yes, social studies.  Of course, we never got to finish it because Mr. L.’s thang was to make us start ridiculous projects (Let’s make scale diagrams of the gym!  Let’s learn how to behave on a date!  Let’s write our Congressmen about something and junk!) but never, ever finish them.  Education!  Gabby says that Jenny(Not Liza) is going to be freaking awesome, so Juanita has to step it up in the talent department.  Carlos is a bit peeved that Gabby’s projecting her parental issues onto Juanita, but what can he do about it?  Nothing — He’s Season 7 Carlos!

Over at the forest, Mike’s spreading his blanket, but sadly not his legs.  Oh yeah.  I went there.  Mike’s pissed because the pick-a-nick basket is gone.  That’s okay, though, because they got burgers and fries — oh no, the burger people forgot the fries!  Could this day get any worse?!

Yes.  It could.

I bet somewhere in a prison/insane asylum, Dave’s wilderness sixth sense is tingling, and he’s all, “Someone on Wisteria Lane is enjoying the outdoors right now. DAMN THEM!!!”  Susan tells Mike to chill out and relax.  Chillax, if you will.  She tells them it would be romantic if they renewed their vows, which is kind of corny since no one else is there, but whatevs.  Mike starts to say his vows but he’s interrupted by a bird, who keeps caw-caw-ing whenever Mike starts to talk.  So Mike decides the rational thing to do would be to throw rocks at the bird.  He misses, but he ends up killing another bird, so it’s all good.

Bree’s throwing a big brunch for, you know, no particular reason or ulterior motive whatsoever.  Oh, wait, that’s not right.  Turns out Bree invited a transplant coordinator to talk to everyone about kidneys and basically just bum everyone out.  He says there’s no age limit and that there’s very minimal scarring.  But wait, that’s not all!  Turns out Bree invited a nurse over to test everyone right now!

“Hello, I’m Nurse Dearborn, and apparently all I need for kidney testing is a bunch of napkins and tape.”

Seriously, is that even legal?  Or possible?  Nurses — let us know in the comments.  Gabby locks the door so that no one can leave.  Of course, she locks it from the inside, so that doesn’t really accomplish anything.

Beth’s at the hoosegow, talking to Felicia on the prison phone.  Beth tells her about the fallout with Paul.  Felicia:  “What a sad story.  If only someone had warned you what a bastard he is.”  Hee.  I’ve missed Felicia.  Beth says she’ll make it up to Felicia, but Felicia says that Beth can’t ever do anything because she’s “failed [her] in every way.”  Beth says that Paul confessed to killing Martha but Felicia says that since no one else heard it, there’s no point.  She then goes on to tell Beth that Beth’s “never done anything right in her life.”  Harsh.  Beth tries again to make amends, but Felicia is having none of it, and when Beth asks what’s going to happen to her since she has nowhere to go, Felicia tells her that she’ll live have a horrible life with nothing to do but think of everyone she’s ever disappointed.  Especially Felicia.  Felicia tells the guard to take Beth off the visitor’s list.  Wow.  She kind of makes Gabby look like freaking June Cleaver, eh?

The talent show’s about to start!  Everyone take your seats on the horribly uncomfortable chairs and settle in for a night of mediocrity and at least one kid peeing his/her pants.  Lee and Gabby exchange barbs about whose kid will be better.  After Lee leaves, Gabby sees Juanita dancing, and she’s not exactly Broadway material  Juanita’s happy though, because she nailed it — “To the floor!  Bam!”  Ha ha ha.  Oh, Juanita.  Gabby totes CANNOT have Juanita embarrassing her, so she does the only rational thing — she kicks Juanita’s tap shoes under the radiator so that Juanita can’t find them.  Rude.  Juanita’s sad because she practiced so hard.  Really, Gabby?  Disappointing your daughter to save face?  That’s so bad that I almost want the doll plot back.  No!  I take it back!!!!

Over in the forest, OHMIGOD MIKE HAS HIS SHIRT OFF!  I’m going to screengrab the hell out of this people!

Oh yeah.  Give it to mama.

We have nipple, people!  We have nipple!!

Susan, move your arm.  And your entire body.

Even his back is sexy.

Oh yeah, I guess something’s happening as well.  Turns out that Susan and Mike have picked the same day and spot as a Civil War reenactment, so a bunch of wannabe Confederate soldiers are all pretending to be running from the Northern Aggression.  Of course, there’s always one guy who takes it too far and refuses to break character, and everyone hates him, but they put up with it because he provides the free doughnuts every year.

Also the S’Mores Schnapps.

Anyway, this Confederate douche is asking Mike and Susan if they’re “Northern agitators.”  Yes, dude.  Because the “Northern agitators” would wear 21st century clothing and start boning each other during the middle of the battle.  I’m serious.  It’s a fact.  I learned that in 7th grade social studies.  Thanks, Mr. L.!  Susan:  “Are you guys . . . playing paintball or something?”  Ha!  General Douche starts his whole spiel but some dude breaks character to say that they have the whole park until 6pm.  Huh.  You’d think that a park ranger would have posted something about that by the entrance to the park.  But whatevs.  Susan says that it’s fine, but Mike’s pissed.  He even calls the General a “douche!”  But this is all moot.  All you care about is shirtless Mike, right?  Well, luckily, this week I’ve got you covered, and I didn’t even have to break out my DVDs!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So effing hot.  The South’s not the only thing rising again, if you know what I mean . . .

Wasn’t that nice?  Over at the talent show, some kid is doing that crystal glass water music thing.  Really?  Jenny(Not Liza) is up — she’s the last student in the show.  She’s doing great, until she messes up at the end.  Of course, this makes Gabby really smug.  She thinks Lee is going to be furious, but Lee is really excited and proud for her, going up to the stage and hugging her, while Bob tells Lee that they “couldn’t be prouder.”  Awww, way to go gay parents!  Anyone who argues that gay parents aren’t good for kids should watch this episode, since it’s the straight parent who kind of sucks right now.  Gabby’s suddenly humbled.  Uh-oh, is somebody about to learn a lesson?  I think so!  Everybody gets up to leave and Gabby’s all, Wait there’s still another girl who needs to do her thing!  So Gabby gets Juanita’s tap shoes, Juanita gets to dance, and Gabby’s really happy and proud of her and it almost makes me cry.  I still wish Juanita had done the armpit farts, though.  Also, where’s Carlos?  Probably somewhere wearing his shirt.  Lame.

“Juanita with a J!”

Mike and Susan get in the car to leave Blue Balls National Forest and Susan is still being positive, which I actually find endearing.  I’m glad they’re leaving, because nothing else could possibly go wrong for them today, certainly not the car not being able to start.  Oh, wait, that totally happens.

Bree gets a call from Instructional Kidney Guy who says that there’s not just one kidney match . . . there’s more than one!  Specifically, two.  Turns out one of the matches is Bree!  The other one is Beth (she wasn’t at the party, but saw a flier and got tested).  The dude asks if he should keep trying to contact Beth or if Bree wants to go ahead and give Susan her pinot grigio-soaked kidney.  And then we cut to a commercial, so we’ll have to wait to find out.

Back to This Week’s Plot I Totally Forgot About:  Lynette and Tom are out at a fancy restaurant for dinner.  You guys, how gorgeous is Felicity Huffman?  So gorgeous.  Lynette says she’s just waiting for the moment that Renee calls her, freaking out about something Paige did.  Suddenly, they hear a baby crying in the restaurant and decide to give the parents the stink eye that they usually get when they bring their kids to a restaurant.  I have to admit, if I had kids and I went out on a date with my significant other and that happened, I’d definitely enjoy doing that as well.  But when they turn in the direction of the baby, it turns out that the baby is actually Paige!  Renee took her out on a date with her!  Now, I don’t really see anything inherently wrong with that, but then, I don’t have kids, so I just don’t get it.  Do I?!  Lynette says she wants to watch a little bit and see what happens.  She sees Renee handing Paige off to their pregnant waitress.

“Hello everyone.  I’m Nancy, and your dinner special tonight is Paige.  She comes with a side of strained pears and responsibility.”

Lynette goes up to the waitress and asks her what’s up.  Turns out Renee gave her $100 to see if she could calm Paige down.  Lynette offers her $200 to create some shenanigans.  The waitress goes up to Renee and her date and tells her that she gave the baby to a busboy, but she has no idea where he is or if he went home.  Renee freaks out and starts asking everyone if they’ve seen a baby.  It’s pretty funny.  Can we have a Juanita and Renee spinoff, please?  Preferably one where they drive across the country in a Mack truck solving random mysteries?  Anyway.  Renee finds Tom and Lynette with Paige and tries to explain that her date was in town for just the one night.  Lynette tells Renee that she has no concept of responsibility.  But she’s sassy and drinks a lot, so I forgive her.

Beth is in a dark motel room, looking sad, when Bree knocks on the door.  Bree says she’s sorry about what happened with Paul.  Beth still has her fish with her, and she starts to feed it, and I think there’s something really, really sad about that.  Bree tells Beth that she’s a match for Susan.  This makes Beth feel really good but that changes when Bree tells her that she’s also a match, and since she’ll be giving Susan her kidney, there’s no need for Beth to do anything.  Bree apologizes for not taking the time to get to know Beth and treat her like a friend . . . which she immediately follows with, “Well, I should go.”  Hospitality!  Beth tells Bree that she wants to do it, that she wants to help Susan, since “it would really mean a lot to [her].”  Bree says that she’s been going through a dark time, wondering if she has a purpose in life, and even though it would mean a lot to Beth, it would mean “everything” to Bree.  Beth just smiles at her and doesn’t say anything as Bree leaves.  You guys, I feel pretty horrible for Beth right now.  Poor kid.

Renee again barges in to Lynette’s house with a gift for Paige.  It’s a paperweight, which will come in handy when Paige does her taxes this year.  Renee says she’s not cut out to be a mom, and Lynette says, “There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s not for everyone,” but she says this in a clearly judgmental way, which kind of pisses me off.  It’s like she’s saying, “It’s cool — you just can’t consider yourself a real woman since you’re not good enough to have children.  It’s perfectly fine.”  Lynette does redeem herself by saying that it’s sad that people sometimes just have kids anyway.  Renee doesn’t know how to fill her time, though, but Lynette says she’ll figure it out.  Lynette then invites Renee to stay for family dinner.  Aww!

Susan and Mike are walking down the road — I’m going to assume that they don’t get cell phone reception in What Else Could Go Wrong State Park and thus have to walk into town.  Mike stubs his toe or sprains his ankle or something. He’s still pissed.  Now, call me crazy, but I’m thinking that Mike may be angry about something else, some underlying emotion about something more than having a bad day, but that’s just me.  Aw.  Yes.  It turns out he’s pissed that Susan’s pretty much dying.  He thinks it seems like Susan is giving up.  Susan says that she’s not — “I’m fighting!  I’m scared . . . but I am fighting my ass off!”  She wants to grow old with Mike and wants to see M.J. graduate high school.  But in the meantime, she’s going to enjoy every moment.

“Although, you know, Mike, it’d be easier to enjoy every moment if you walked around with your shirt off all the time.”

Take it home, Mary Alice!  She tells us that life has meaning and we can find it in family, friends, faith, and armpit farts.  Maybe not that last one.  She says that some people make their lives meaningful by making great sacrifices.  Which leads us to Beth.  Beth walks into the busy hospital E.R. and says that she’s there to make a kidney donation.  The nurse tells her that she’s in the wrong place and needs to go to the 4th floor, but Beth keeps talking, showing the nurse her forms and making sure that she knows that she’s donating her kidney to her friend, Susan Delfino.  She goes of on a bit of a tangent, talking about how she wasn’t really friends with Susan, but it doesn’t matter when someone is in need.  The nurse tries to get her to go to the 4th floor, but Beth keeps insisting that the forms have to get to the right place because she doesn’t want to mess it up — it’s the most important thing she’s ever done.  The nurse says she’ll take care of it.  Beth gets this serene look on her face, and reaches into her purse, and then this:

Somewhere in purgatory, dead Mary Alice is all pissed and yelling, “Hey!  That’s my thing!”

Beth shoots herself in the head, right in the middle of the E.R.!  Oh come on, you knew she was the one who was going to shoot herself.  How much you want to bet she narrates the next episode?

Next Week:  No idea.  Because Desperate Housewives won’t be back until APRIL 3RD.  APRIL 3RD!!  What’s up with that?!  In the meantime, though, you can check out my recap of the series premiere of Dana Delaney’s new show — “Body of Proof!”  You loved her in Desperate Housewives (well, you loved her in season 4, at least) and now she’s back with a new ABC show, and I’m going to recap it for you!  It premieres on March 29th.