Desperate Housewives: Lies and Dolls

Again, a couple things:  1.) I was really surprised that this show — and tons of others — were actually new and on because of the Golden Globes.  That usually doesn’t happen, right?  Maybe this year everyone was like, “Meh, the Golden Globes are a joke, so it doesn’t matter.  I mean, ‘Glee’ is the best ‘comedy’?  Seriously?”  2.) Word on the webs is that even though Marc Cherry’s signed a deal extending Desperate Housewives into 2013, and that Teri Hatcher’s signed her contract ($400,000 per ep), the other three ladies are in a salary dispute.  I guess Hatcher’s the only one who’s satisfied with her salary.  Or crazy.  So, it’s a remote possibility that this is the last season.  But again, I don’t think so, because Cherry will want a big last season extravaganza promo thingie.  And also, if the show’s going off the air, I want a damn retrospective.  WITH Alfre Woodard, dammit.

Mary Alice blahs about Paul and how he’s discovered that his wife is a liar.  Again.  Paul doesn’t really have the best track record when it comes to wives, y’all.  Turns out, Paul’s getting out of the hospital a day early, and Beth is glad because she needs him.  She tells him about last week and the other ladies tried to “frame” her with the “planted” .38.  Beth thinks that Bree’s going to call the police and frame her.  Paul says that he thinks she’s awesome and that they need to take a trip, “somewhere secluded.”

“Somewhere where I can kill you.  I mean, somewhere where we can make s’mores!  That’s what I said!  S’MORES!”

Credits.  According to WIkipedia, the last time we saw the full credits was the last episode of season 4.  Which, ironically, was also the last episode we actually really appreciated.  Mary Alice tells us that every spring, we’re reminded of flowers that bloom and the world is beautiful.  But sometimes, people do ugly things.  Just ask anyone who’s boned Tommy Lee.  Renee spies a blonde lady leaving Bob and Lee’s house, and gets pissed off.  She goes over to their house to bitch about it — turns out the lady is an interior designer, and they want someone to design their new daughter’s room.  Why wouldn’t Bob and Lee hire Renee since she just started her own interior design business?  Because, Lee says, the other lady has more maternal-ness than Renee does.  Ouch.  Renee says that she’ll do the job faster and cheaper, so they decide to hire her.  Renee’s like, “Just so you know, I’m just as maternal as the next woman.”  And she gives us pretty much the only funny moment of this episode:

Carlos comes into the kitchen to, yes, yell at Gabby.  Season 7 Carlos Solis, ladies and gentlemen!  He’s neither funny nor interesting, just loud!

For the record, Cherry, this is what we want.

*Editor’s note:  I promised more shirtless men screengrabs, but I’ve only been watching season 4 and, because I’m lazy, all of this week’s are coming from that season only.  And there’s only 2 more.  And they’re of Orson.  Next time maybe I’ll have more of a variety.  Don’t hold your breath, though.*

Carlos is upset about the $840 on the credit card bill, and he’s especially upset that Gabby spent the money on a doll.  Gabby says the doll is for Bob and Lee’s little girl, and it made her feel better about losing Grace.

Meanwhile, this:

Two black people on Wisteria Lane?!  Call the neighborhood watch!

This chick walks up to Bree and says that Keith’s old roommate told her that he was living at her house now.  Since Keith isn’t there, Bree says that she can give him a message.  The girl, Amber James, is an old friend, but doesn’t really want to say more, even though Bree presses her for more info.  Bree tells Amber that she isn’t Keith’s landlady, she’s his girlfriend.  Amber freaks out and then leaves, telling Bree that she doesn’t need to let Keith know that she stopped by.

Susan’s all ready for her dialysis.  Fun!  Look at those machines and comfy chairs and all that attention from the nurses!  Oh, I wish my kidneys were failing.  Oh well.  I’ll just keep pounding back the Night Train and Red Bull and hope for the best.  Susan spies another dialysis dude.  His name is Dick, and Susan tries to make him her friend, but all he wants to do is play Scrabble on his phone while getting his dialysis.  Susan:  “You know, Dick, sometimes when people meet me, they say, ‘You don’t seem like a Susan.’  But you? . . . “  Minor hee.  It would have been better if she’d actually finished the sentence.

“You suck, Dick!”

Hey, let’s see what Lynette is up to!  Polishing candlesticks . . . yaaaaayy.  Turns out, Stella (Lynette’s mom) is coming!  Yay!  Who doesn’t love Stella?  She made pot brownies for Lynette and taught her grandchildren to make her some whiskey sours!  “It’s a science, Lynette!  It’s called mixology!”  Oh, I love Stella.  Plus, Polly Bergen is freaking 80 and still manages to look fabulous.  Porter or Preston or Paulie or whatever the hell his name is arrives with Stella, who is unfortunately in a wheelchair.  Stella broke her foot a month ago, and embarrasses Penny by talking about Penny’s “buds.”  Ew.  Also, Stella’s getting married!  Whaaaa?  And the wedding is Saturday.  Whaaaaaa?!!?  Lynette says that she wants to meet him, so they’re all getting together tomorrow.

Bree’s in bed, simmering about the whole Amber thing, so she hits Keith to wake him up (I think she did the same thing to Orson once, so that’s a little bit of continuity, right?  Let’s take it where we can get it, even if it’s accidental.).  She lies and tells him he was shouting out “Amber!  Amber!” in his sleep.  I’m sure Bree is dying to add, “And she sounded black!”  But she doesn’t.  Does he know anyone by that name?  He says he once had a girlfriend named Amber, but that was seven years and about 18 lame tattoos ago.  They lived together for 3 years, and he loved her, but she left him.  Bree asks if he misses Amber, but she broke his heart, so no.

Lynette shows up for lunch with Stella and Frank, who’s played by Larry Hagman.  And, y’all, I know that people age, but I’m sort of stuck with a permanent mental image of Larry Hagman.

Pretty much this.

This is Larry Hagman now:

Also, he’s one year younger than Polly Bergen, so I don’t know.  Anyway.  Frank is likable enough.  If you like racists!

“Mmmm, I totally just got a boner.”

Frank grumbles at the Hispanic waiter, calling him “muchacho,” and asking if he has to “build a fence” to make him hurry, and then something racist about a “high school diploma.”  Wow.  Offensive.  (And I’ve been to nursing homes where they have menus and wait staff, so that totally exists, by the way.  Best chef’s salad I ever had was from a nursing home, hand to god.)  Lynette doesn’t really like racism, and quickly changes the subject and asks Frank about himself.  Frank’s been married four times, and is marrying Stella because he loves her.

You know, I kind of wish they would skip the Gabby plot and just put it online, like webisodes or something.  Because I’m just sick of it, and as much as I love Gabby, this shit makes me downright angry.  If memory serves me correctly — and I reserve the right to add to this later — I’ve outright hated four plots of this series:  1.) Mike’s addiction to painkillers, 2.) Gale Harold in his entirety on the show, 3.) Orson’s klepto-palooza, and 4.) this insufferable doll plot with Gabby.  Anything else I can (sometimes barely) take.  Gabby shows up at McCluskey’s to seriously ask for the address of a Chinese restaurant.  While McC is looking for the address, Gabby unfortunately spies a doll.  McC says she had the doll when she was a kid and couldn’t get rid of it, but she’s not really into dolls or anything, and then this:

“I carry her around in my purse!  Just like I used to do with my real kids!”

Oy.  I really wish McCluskey would calmly walk over to Gabby without saying a word and then taser the shit out of her.  McCluskey asks Gabby what the hell THAT’S all about, and Gabby says that she carries the doll with her.  Really.  And when did this develop, Desperate Housewives writers?  Because last time I checked, Gabby put her stupid doll in a box, put it on the top shelf of her closet, and that.  Was the end.  Of that.  Ugh, I don’t even want to recap this part!  I want to spare you the indignity that is this pathetic excuse of a plot!  Gabby says it would be uber fun to for she and McC their dolls to Miss Charlotte’s for tea.

Back at the nursing home, Frank’s burger has mayo on it, and he specifically asked for no mayo.  Lynette offers him her salad, but he declines, because he “has a penis” and goes to play golf.  Lynette asks Stella why she’s marrying that racist d-bag, and she says that Frank is loaded and he hates his kids, and has heart failure, so when he dies, she’s gonna get all that sweet, sweet racist dough.  Hells yeah, Stella!  I would totally marry and 80 year-old dude for money.  Hell, I’d marry an 80 year-old woman for money.

At Paul’s house, it’s bedtime.  Or, at least, it should be, but Paul apparently likes to sit and stare at his wife across the room while crying.  Beth wakes up and sees him, and asks him what’s going on.  He says he’s been thinking about how much hatred he has inside of him — for his neighbors, his son, whoever tried to kill him.

“But most of all, I hate cauliflower.  So.  Much.”

Beth tells him that there’s a lot that’s good in his life — like herself.  Paul says that all he’s wanted is for Beth to love him.  Beth tells him to come back to bed and tomorrow they’ll talk about their big trip.  Paul says he’s booked them a cabin in the woods.  Beth’s not too excited.  He says they need to go far away where no one can find them.  Beth tells him to identify what’s negative in his life, and then get rid of it.  Paul says that sounds like a plan.  Uh-oh.  Cabin?  Woods?  Possibly fishing?  And maybe hunting?  This sounds more like a plan for –

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I will NOT go back there, people.  I barely survived the first time.  McCluskey shows up to talk to Carlos about how Gabby’s not really handling the Grace thing very well.  And then we cut to Gabby, calling the girls down for dinner.  But she cuts off mid-sentence, because she sees that her doll has come to life and is sitting in a rocking chair!!  AAAAAA!  Ah, I guess Carlos just put it there.  Carlos confronts Gabby about how the doll isn’t a gift for Bob and Lee.  Gabby says he wouldn’t understand, and he’s like, Yeah, I don’t understand, you wackadoo.  Gabby’s all, Yeah well you spend money on golf.  Carlos rightfully says he doesn’t take his golf clubs to tea with him.  Touche, naked-faced Carlos.  Touche.  Gabby says she wants to be happy, but Carlos says this isn’t about a doll, it’s about Grace.  Gabby freaks out and is all, “NO NO NO!  We aren’t supposed to talk about her, and that’s YOUR rule!!”  Carlos is all, Whaaaaa?

And now, some naked Orson from Season 4.

“Here, I made you some chocolate cock!  I mean, do you want some cocklate cake?!  I mean, have a slice of penis!  I mean –  Oohhhh dear.”

One of Susan’s dialysis buddies thanks her for helping him study for his history test.  It’s too bad his dialysis is over, because now Susan’s stuck with a big pile of Dick.  Turns out she brought the actual Scrabble game, but Dick just wants to play on his phone.  Susan doesn’t understand why he wants to make a bad situation worse by ignoring someone who just wants to take his mind off things.  Dick compares her to that new girl in town while he’s the head mean girl.  Basically he wants her to get the eff out of this face.    Susan says they can at least be friends until he gets good news that he gets a kidney.  Then Dick brings the entire audience down by saying that they’re basically waiting for someone to get killed so they can get harvested organs.  Dick says he doesn’t need to be comforted, and Susan’s all, I wasn’t trying to comfort YOU.  Ouch.  Ouchies.

Bree goes down to the motel to talk to Amber, saying she’s concerned because she left in a huff.  Amber says she’s getting ready to leave, when her son comes up to her and says he can’t find his ball.

“Hold on, girl.  You mean to tell me that THIS pasty-ass mofo is dating my dad now?!”

Bree puts two and two together and is all, “How old is Charlie?”  Turns out, he’s six.  Amber tells Bree she moved out before she knew she was pregnant, and she didn’t tell Keith because she didn’t want to keep the baby.  But, because this is tv, where people talk about abortions and giving up their babies but never, ever actually do it, she decided to keep Charlie the first time she saw him after she popped him out.  Conveniently, Charlie has his headphones on while Bree and Amber are talking, but if he’s anything like me, he’s turned the volume all the way down on his Sony Walkman to hear what’s going on.  You hear that, mom?!  Amber says that after that, she just didn’t want to ambush Keith, but Charlie’s asking a lot of questions, and she’s running out of vague answers.  She also doesn’t know if she can tell Keith about Charlie.  So, Bree volunteers to do it, to which my reply would be, Bitch, keep your lily-white ass out of my own business!  But Amber’s down with it, so whatever.

Oh, I forgot that Renee was decorating Li’l Liza’s room.  But she is, or did, rather.  And Bob and Lee love love love it!  They ask her how she put it together so quickly, and then she waxes about how she’s been thinking about it for 20 years, for her own daughter that she never had.  Because, ladies, if you don’t have children, you are a failure as a woman.  A failure!  Ugh.  Renee is all, This color is wrong!  And leaves before she has to show her emotions.

Bob is concerned.  Lee is just happy to finally have a porcelain unicorn.

Time for Stella’s wedding!  Lynette’s totes not excited.  Tom tells her to look at it this way:  After Frank dies, and then after Stella dies, they’ll have tons of money.  Yay!  Then Tom can follow his dreams again and blow all the money on, I don’t know, an ostrich ranch or a corn dog factory.  Tom says that if Lynette doesn’t support her mom, then they’ll probably never speak to each other again.  Instead of the one time per year that they talk now, I suppose.  Lynette starts to wheel Stella — who looks very pretty — down the aisle, wile Frank motions for them to hurry the fuck up.  I guess he’s got more important things than a wedding today.  This doesn’t sit well with Lynette, so she just keeps on wheeling Stella right into the foyer.  And, I bet, this scene is the only reason that Stella’s been in a wheelchair for this entire episode.  Lynette tells Stella that she can’t marry an “obnoxious jerk” like Frank.  Lynette says she will never visit her again if she marries Frank, and that Stella’s setting a bad example for her grandkids by marrying for money.  But Stella tells Lynette that Frank needs her, and since no one in her family needs her anymore, it’s nice to be needed by someone.  Stella says that it was easier to tell her about marrying for money than admitting that she feels useless and lonely.  Frank comes in to tell them to get a move on.

Bob and Lee introduce their new daughter Liza to Renee.  She’s cute.  For now.

Live it up sweetie, cuz in about 4 episodes, you’re probably gonna be evil or in a coma or switched at birth or dead.

Speaking of which, I’d love for them to bring back Kayla.  Or something.  Ever since Edie got violently killed off because she was about to sue Marc Cherry was written out of the series, there’s been a huge hole in this show, where delicious evil and bitchery used to be.  I thought that hole would be filled by Renee, but she’s turned into a fluffy marshmallow.  Bob and Lee wanted Renee to be the first person to meet Liza.  While Bob and Liza go home to get things ready, Lee tells Renee that there will be times Liza may need to talk to a lady about those lady things, and he’d like Renee to be that lady.  Renee says she’d love that.  Aw, that was kind of sweet.

More dialysis fun!  I bet they get free ice cream.  Aw, I wish I could go into renal failure!  Some people have all the luck.  Susan brought some flowers, and Dick gives her more shit about being happy.  Normally, I’d agree with him, since a lot of times Susan acts like she barfs sunshine and poops out rainbows and that would piss me off.  But Dick’s just being an asshole.  Someone’s beeper goes off!  Whose is it?  Who will get the kidney!?  Tune in next week to find out!

Just kidding.  It’s actually Susan’s dialysis pal’s (Ethan — not that that’s important, but that’s his name) beeper.  Ethan gets a kidney!  Ethan gets a kidney!

EVERYBODY GETS A KIDNEY!!!

Except Susan.  And Dick.  Susan’s happy for Ethan and gives him a big hug.  Awww!  But Dick, who thought it was his beeper going off, is hella disappointed.  Sad.  Sadness. Susan tells the nurse she wants to sit by Dick for her dialysis today, and then holds Dick’s hand.  Awwwww.  Sweet.  Sweetness.  Single tear.

“Oh, sorry — false alarm.  It was just my dealer telling me that he got in a new shipment of Guatemalan amphetamines.”

Also, beepers?  Like, separate beepers?  Cell phones aren’t enough?  The hospital doesn’t just call people now?  They spend money on getting everyone special beepers?  Is that real?  Cuz it seems like bullshit to me.

Paul’s all packed and ready to go to the Mini-Break of Death.  Beth writes a short note to the gardener, so if he has any problems with the sprinklers, he knows they’ll be at the Cabin of Dismemberment in Stabbed In the Chest State Park.  Oh, but crafty Paul picks up the note and pockets it.  But, what if the gardener DOES have problems with the sprinklers?!  What then, Paul?!  Oh, I just can’t think about that.  I just can’t.  The detectives come up to talk to Paul, and he meets them outside after telling Beth to go get some blankets from upstairs.  They tell him that Bree called the police to tell them that she thinks that Beth planted the gun to implicate one of the other ladies.  I hope it’s Gabby, and I hope she’s falsely convicted, and I hope she has to go to jail, because she deserves it after The Great Doll Freak Out of Season 7.  They show Paul the gun, and ask him if he’s seen it before . . . And Paul gets a look on his face that’s like, Yeah I totally do but I’m also shocked and surprised by something else, maybe?  Or something?  He tells the detectives that he knows for a fact that it’s not Beth’s gun, and then goes inside.  But he still looks pissed off and confused.  He tells Beth that the trip’s off, because he got a call that there’s a problem with the cabin.  Beth says she was looking forward to it, and Paul’s all, “Trust me, Beth.  I think you dodged a bullet here.”  So . . . it’s not Beth’s gun, then?  That’s what I’m going with.

Keith and Bree are eating dinner.  Bree tells Keith that Bob and Lee are excited about being fathers, and then she brings up the whole conversation she and Keith had about not having kids, and is he still okay with that?  “If you had a chance to be a father, would you take it?”  Then Keith is all, Yeah maybe I wanted kids a while ago, but then I met you and now it’s not a big deal, okay?  Bree asks him what he’d do if he had a choice, but he cuts her off and says, “I don’t.”  Wow, I’m surprised Keith didn’t go his normal route with this conversation.

“Obviously, I’m going to have to break up with you again.”

So, Bree moseys on over to Amber’s motel, and does what Bree does best:  Lie.  She tells Amber that Keith “feels it would be too difficult for everyone” and wants nothing to do with Amber and Charlie.  And then she does what Bree also does best:  She pays her off with money.  Amber doesn’t want to accept the check, but she does.

Carlos and Gabby are getting ready to go to the Chinese restaurant, and everything’s cool until this:

For the love of everything good and holy, ENOUGH!

Also, I love the fact that Gabby isn’t taking her own kids out to eat Chinese food, but she’s rationally and lovingly put her fucking doll in a car seat in the back.  That’s love, people.  That’s what a mother does.  Carlos says he’s been thinking that maybe they should go to therapy together.  Gabby says she doesn’t need it.  Really, Gabby?  Take a long hard look at the back seat, el puta loco.  Carlos says nothing else and drives off.  A few minutes later, they’re in a sketchy part of Fairview, lost and looking for the Chinese restaurant.  Carlos refuses to turn on the navigation system, but Gabby yells at him, so he pulls over to turn it on and put in the address.  Also, since they’re parked along Cracked Out Street Kids in Hoodies Avenue, they get carjacked.  Carlos gets out of the car because he doesn’t want, you know, to get shot in the crotch or anything, but Gabby?  This pains me to type this, people.  I know you know what’s coming, so take a shot of whatever’s handy and prepare yourself.  Gabby tries to get her doll out of the car seat.  While Freaking 8 Mile keeps waving a gun in her face.  She keeps yelling, “I can’t get the buckle!  I can’t get the buckle!” and then the dude drives off, and she’s all, “My baby!  My baby!”  Carlos yells, “It’s not Grace!”  OKAY.  A damn carjacker DROVE OFF with the doll.  End.  Of.  Story.  Cherry, if that creepy piece of shit in a petticoat shows up next week, I will Hulk out on you.  I am not kidding.  I will scratch your eyes out.

Bree’s outside attacking her roses.  She tells Keith she’s just doing some pruning, and sometimes “you have to be ruthless if you want something beautiful to keep growing.”  Mary Alice tells us that people do ugly things because they’re afraid or have regrets or crap like that.  People have a reason for doing ugly things, and “once we find out why, then we can try to stop them.”  Paul looks at a photo of himself and Zach.  So . . . Paul knows it was Zach’s gun?  Or something?

Next Week:  Gabby puts Celia in a beauty pageant to make up for years of neglect or something; Susan tries to have a sexy weekend with Mike (shirtless Mike!  In the promos!) despite the kidney thing; Lynette and Renee clash over ideas when they’re asked to design McCluskey’s new kitchen; and Keith takes Bree to a Hooter’s type restaurant, where she runs into Danielle, who’s working there.  Oh, and I just pulled all of that out of my ass, because there was no promo and there’s nothing on Wikipedia about any upcoming episodes.  So, I have no idea what’s coming up.

And I have one leftover screengrab of Orson.