Desperate Housewives: Life Without Dick

Before we get to things, I’d like to dedicate this recap to my very, very, very good friend Amy.  Not only did she catch up on seasons 4 – 7 in time for my latest recap (such a good friend), but she’s pregnant!  Congrats!  And she’s super funny and draws great comics and has a blog called “The Barefoot Files” where you can read all about her pregnancy pants and Starbursts-for-breakfast escapades: http://barefootfiles.blogspot.com/ Okay.  Enough about non-Desperate Housewives recaps stuff.  Take it away, Mary Alice!

Mary Alice tells us that when Bree stopped drinking, she followed all the steps in A.A. to become a better person.  Getting rid of her liquor, going to church, making a list of everyone she harmed, etc.

“And that, Betty Applewhite, is why I hope you rot in hell.  Yours in Christ, Bree Van de Kamp.”

Bree’s very impressed that Andrew’s in A.A. — he just got his 30-day chip!  Awesome!  What do they give to people in Gambler’s Anonymous for 30 days without gambling?  Wouldn’t a poker chip just be rubbing it in their faces?  And honestly, I for one would be tempted to take it to a casino, head on over to the roulette table, and try to pass it off as a 30 dollar chip.  Andrew says he’s got a lot of amends to make but there’s one person to whom it will be extremely hard to apologize.  Bree obviously thinks Andrew’s talking about her, but actually, he’s talking about Carlos.  For, you know, running over his mom.  Wow.  So the writers decided to follow up on the plot point they gave us in the last episode of season 6 and the first two episodes of this season?  Huh.  Wonders never cease.  Credits.  Don’t you guys think it’d be nice if they updated the photos of the ladies in the credits?  I mean, if they’re not going to play the whole thing, at least spruce it up a little bit.  Put a bird on it.

Mary Alice is still talking about what we tell our kids about lying and covering things up.  Oh, I get it!  Like how Bree covered up Andrew’s murder of Mama Solis!  Mary Alice says that sometimes “apologizing is the biggest mistake of all.”  Like when I say, “Sorry I gave you the clap.”  Some things are just better left unsaid, you guys.  Andrew’s walking over to tell Carlos about what he did many years ago.  Bree interrupts him to say that Andrew wants to thank him for being a surrogate dad when Rex died.  Um, really?  That happened?  Okay, then.  Carlos says that if he had known Andrew was gay back then, he would have taken Andrew to some musicals.  Or, you know, gay bash the crap out him since Carlos loved to do that back in the day.  Carlos says it helped him get through the grief when his mom died, since that was around the same time.  Andrew ends up not telling him about running over Mama.

Paul’s taking out his garbage when he notices a door open at the house across the street (Mike/Katherine’s old house).  He goes in and yells that he owns the house and wants them out now.  And who should walk down the stairs but –

OHMIGOD!!

You knew that was coming, right?  Sadly, Betty Applewhite is not back for more Wisteria Lane hijinks.  But Eight Fingered Felicia sure is!  Turns out that Paul put the deed in Beth’s name so people wouldn’t know that he bought the house.  And according to the will that Beth made (years ago), she left the house to Felicia.  So, in her will, Beth said something like, “So, let’s say that I marry, for example, some dude who buys a lot of houses and puts one in my name.  And then I do something like, oh, I don’t know, blow my brains out at a hospital.  Said Future House should go to my mom.  Also, I want to be cremated with my goldfish.”?  Whatever, let’s just go with it.  Paul’s like, Who wants a psycho for a neighbor?  Felicia’s all, Well you live here, don’t you?  Touche, Felicia.  Touche.  Felicia went to the cremation place and told them that she wanted Beth’s ashes, so they gave them to her.  Paul’s pissed about this because he has rights as a husband, and Felicia says that Paul can drop by any time to see “Beth.”

How does she flip people off?

The doctor at the hospital says that Susan’s doing great.  Yay!  But she’ll have to moderate her salt intake and can’t have sex for two weeks.  I guess the kidney is directly connected to the vagina?  I think that’s how that works.  Susan says that she can’t wait to bone Mike.  In the meantime, Mike, I volunteer to take care of any sexual needs that you have.  ANY.

ANY.

Susan wants to visit her friend Dick in the dialysis center (you remember Dick, right?  He played Scrabble on his phone and was cranky but turned out to be lovable), but the doctor informs her that he’s been admitted to the same hospital.  Oh, that’s so convenient for Susan!  But not for Dick, since he has renal failure.  He can’t believe that Susan got a kidney so fast.  Obviously, he doesn’t watch this show, because it did not come fast enough for me, Dick.  He tells Susan that she’s so lucky and he’s going to take her out to a casino by the airport when he gets better.  Now, I like casinos, you guys, but I LOVE the dog track.  Seriously.  One time I took 10 bucks, put it all on a dog named Whataburger to win, and walked out of there with 100 bones.  Best day ever.  Susan says she only really gambles with her friends, but she’ll take him up on the offer.

Tom gets home late from work — he got called down to the legal department.  Uh-oh!  He hands Lynette a paper which turns out to be his signing bonus — $100,000.  God, I hate Tom right now.  Lynette’s super excited about this and wants to put some in college funds, open a retirement account, and stuff like that.  Tom says that she can totes do that — after she spends $10,000 on something frivolous for herself.  That’s kind of sweet of Tom.  Lynette wants to go out for dinner, but Tom has too much work to do, and they’ll do it on Friday.

Poker time!  The ladies are all over at Lynette’s house and Susan keeps on winning every hand.  The rest of them aren’t happy about this.  What did Lynette buy with her $10,000?  A new coffeemaker.  Wheeeeee.  Way to splurge, Lynette.  Gabby and Renee, being the vapid ones, point out how ridiculous this is.  Renee volunteers to take Lynette shopping after the poker game.  Susan wins another hand of poker — without even looking at her cards.

Renee and Lynette are at the clothing store, where the saleslady looks at them disdainfully.  It’s awfully familiar . . .

“Hi, you don’t remember me, do you.  I was in here yesterday.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t.”

“You work on commission, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Big mistake.  Big.  Huge.  I have to go shopping now.”

Renee tells the saleslady that she can buy and sell her ass unless she runs out to get them some paninis and capuccinos, which she does.  And then we have a mini-shopping montage.  Mary Pat, Mary Kate, Mary Frances, Tovah, let’s do it!  Renee convinces Lynette to buy expensive boots and jeans and dresses.  This whole scene would have been more fun if they had played “Material Girl” during it, but whatever.

Gabby’s jogging when she spies Bree getting back from the grocery store (with her own bags, of course) and tells her that Andrew went to a cabin in the woods with Carlos for a hunting trip.  Alone.  In a cabin.  In the woods.  Carlos.  Alone.  Cabin.  Woods.  Guns.  Carlos.  Alone.  Cabin.  Bree’s distressed about this and tells Gabby that Andrew is going to tell Carlos about killing Mama Solis.  Gabby:  “This is the problem with sobriety — it ruins lives!”  Ha ha ha!  Word, Gabby.  I forgive you for the doll thing.  Ummm, no I don’t.  It’s gonna be a long, long time before I can forgive you for that, Gabrielle Solis.  There’s no cell phone reception at the cabin!  Oh no!  Gabby says that she’ll have to raise her kids alone (oh god, those poor kids) and Carlos will be in jail for murder and a hate crime.  Meh, so what else is new, right?  Par for the course for Carlos, that hot gay-bashing bastard.  Gabby and Bree decide to drive up to the cabin to stop Andrew.  Uh-oh . . . camping . . . woods . . . hunting trip . . . possible homicide . . . This sounds like a job for –

DEAR GOD, NO!

Stupid Beige Haired Dave.  Felicia goes over to Paul’s house to apologize to him for being a weird bitchy creepo.  She would also like Paul to help scatter Beth’s ashes at a lake that she loved as a child.  Felicia says that Beth loved him and it’s what she would want.  Felicia:  ” . . . And I don’t have a car yet.”  Hee.  Paul agrees to go.  Uh-oh!  What shenanigans are these two crazy kids going to get into?

Susan goes to see Dick at the hospital, but she’ll have a hard time talking to him because he’s dead.  His nephew is there and breaks the news to her, totally bumming Susan out.  Not so lucky now, huh Suzy-Q?!  Turns out Dick left Susan a $100 poker chip.

Over at the Cabin of Possible Gay Bashing in Plot Development State Park, Bree and Gabby arrive just in time to find Carlos washing blood off his hand.  I guess Andrew went “hiking by the cliffs.”  Before it started raining.  It’s raining, by the way.  Carlos doesn’t know when Andrew will get back, and he has blood on his hands, AND there’s a shovel against the wall with fresh dirt on it!  And then Bree and Gabby blurt out that Andrew shouldn’t be punished for running over Mama Solis, since Bree was the one who helped him get rid of the car.  And of course Andrew walks in right as they say this.  Duhn duhn duhn!  There’s an explanation for everything:  Carlos cut his hand chopping wood and he had to dig a latrine since the cabin has no bathroom.  Really?  The builders of the cabin splurged on windows and curtains but neglected to build an outhouse?  Okay then.  For some reason, Carlos is angry at Andrew for running his mother over and not saying anything about it 12 years ago.  Or 10 years ago.  Or 15 years ago, whatever, I don’t keep up with the time “continuation” on this show.

Also, not to point fingers or anything, but I’m thinking some of the blame for Mama Solis’s death belongs to Nurse Neglecty Smokesalot.

The park ranger shows up to say that a tree fell across the road and they can’t move it for a day, so everyone’s going to have to stay put for a while.  Everyone is obviously really excited about staying all night in the Cabin of Conflict Resolution Through Attempted Violence.

“We’re also on the lookout for a deranged, beige-haired man who talks to his dead wife and kid and won’t shut up about going camping.  Enjoy your stay in That Gay Kid Murdered Your Mom National Forest!”

Meanwhile, Felicity Huffman is giving me straight dude boner.

Yeowza!  Daddy likes.

She’s a hot one, she is.  She’s all set for a sexy dinner with Tom, but when she calls him, she finds out that he’s on his way to the airport.  He has to go to Montreal ASAP for some business deal about important business and business-y things that have to do with business and things.  Lynette’s disappointed because Tom’s working all the time.  Renee spits out the truth and tells her that Tom’s going to be working ’round the clock now.  She tells Lynette that she’ll get jewelry and clothes and a solid gold toilet and a hairless cat and other fancy crap — but the price she pays is that Tom’s working all the time to earn that money.  Meh.  I’d be okay with that.

Back at the cabin, Carlos is looking out the window, reflecting, thinking, pondering.

“Why did I dig the latrine so far away?  God, I need to poop.”

Carlos is upset that Bree went to his mom’s funeral and comforted him during that time, and he breaks out a bottle of whiskey and starts drinking it, even though Bree tells him that Andrew’s just begun sobriety so it’s kind of rude to drink in front of him.  Yeah, you know what else is rude, Bree?  Covering up the murder of your friend’s mom.  So, I don’t know, you may want to cut Carlos some slack or something.  Carlos gets kind of evil and tells Andrew that he (Andrew) needs to drink a toast to the memory of Mama Solis, and when Bree tries to intervene, Carlos yells at her for hiding this all these years.  Andrew tells Carlos that Bree isn’t the only one who knew about it, which leads Carlos to find out that Gabby knew about it too.  He’s angry and doesn’t trust himself to be in the cabin, so he runs out into the rain, which is the sensible thing to do.

Over on Tom’s company’s private jet, Tom’s going over some business briefs about business things (including business), when who should show up?  Lynette!  In her sexy dress with some sexy lobsters.  She bribed the pilot to delay take-off for half an hour so they can have some private jet sex.  Because Tom is a weenie, he tells Lynette that they can’t knock boots because he needs to get to Montreal.  Also he loves his job because, unlike his previous jobs, he doesn’t have to hire his kids to work for him or eat a donut out of the toilet.  People respect him.  And also, the job is a “rocket ship” that’s “taking him on the ride of his life.”  Oy.  Then Tom shoves that knife in deeper and twists it, telling Lynette that it’s all because of her, that she’s the one who pushed him to take the job and he’ll never forget that.  Ouch.  Ouchies.

“Well.  Have fun watching Canadian football and eating poutine, you selfish merde-faced bastard!”

Susan shows up at the casino, where she runs into Roy playing the slots on her way to the poker room.  And . . . that’s it?  Okay, then.  Moving on.

Paul and Felicia are on their way to the lake and Paul wonders what Beth would think of the two of them together right now.  Felicia asks Paul if “she” suffered at the end.  Paul thinks she’s talking about Beth, but she’s talking about Martha Huber.  She admits that Martha drove Mary Alice to kill herself and that Paul loved his wife so he murdered Martha, causing Felicia to want to destroy Paul’s life, and Beth was the one who really suffered.  You know, from shooting herself.  In the head.  Felicia wants to reach some closure with Paul.  I, for one, do not believe her.  Her sincerity, much like two of her fingers, are long gone.  Oh, and Paul has a gun hidden in a compartment in his door.

Back to the casino.  Roy goes into the poker room to talk to Susan and apparently annoy everyone who’s watching this show.  Susan is up $6,000!  And she’s all in for the next hand . . . with 3 aces!  She wins $12,000!  And then she starts crying because she’s sad about Dick.  The old Asian guy next to her is all, “You’re weird,” and then leaves the table.  Hee.  Susan explains to Roy that her friend died and he wanted her to come to the casino because she’s on a lucky streak.  She asks Roy why she “keeps winning” while “other people lose.”  Um, Susan?  Not to burst your bubble, but life has pretty much kicked you in the crotch.  Repeatedly.  For example:  Your 1st husband cheated on you, your manager embezzled your money, you got locked out of your house naked, you were held at gunpoint by a 16 year-old, your mom lied about your dad, your real dad is kind of an asshole, your fiancee got hit by a car (by your friend’s husband) and was in a coma for months, you had a wandering spleen, you almost married a gay guy, you had to get married to your 1st ex-husband again just for insurance, you hit and killed a mother and her child with your car, you divorced your 2nd husband, you and your son were kidnapped by a beige lunatic, your daughter was held hostage in a supermarket, your third (fourth?  Were you ever engaged to that British guy?) engagement was ruined because your fiancee got deported, your 2nd husband was addicted to painkillers and went to rehab (while you were pregnant!), your 2nd husband was so much in debt that you had to move, you cleaned your house in your underwear on a webcam like a slut, you got trampled on in a riot, you lost a kidney, and at one point you fell on a wedding cake.

“I am one lucky bitch.”

She doesn’t understand why she got a kidney while other people died.  Roy tells her a war story about his friend who got shot and killed while he walked away fine.  He asked the sergeant why he lived and the other guy died, and the sergeant replied, “Why ask?”  Roy tells her that no one can know why they’re lucky, they should just enjoy it and not ask why.  Okay, Roy, you won me over, you sweet old bastard.

Felicia and Paul have arrived to the lake, where they argue about trusting each other and Felicia reveals she knows about the gun.  Also, she stole the gun out of the car!  Oh, you are crafty, Felicia Tilman.  They go back and forth about trust and the vicious cycle of mistrust and deceit that they’ve always had with each other.  Felicia says she could end it all now by shooting Paul.  Paul wishes she would so he’d at least know she’ll rot in jail forever, but given the fact that the gun is his and she’ll lie about it being self-defense, Felicia says that probably won’t be the case.  And so she throws the gun into the lake, saying that she wants their hatred of each other to end.  Paul then scatters Beth’s ashes into the lake.

And so, amongst rotting fish carcasses and turtle poop, Beth Tilman Young is finally laid to rest.

Gabby, Andrew, and Bree pull up to Bree’s house in the morning.  Gabby’s on the phone because Carlos is apparently still missing.  Lee runs out of his house to be a big-ass bitch about watching Gabby’s girls for a whole night and how they ruined his dinner party.  Um, doesn’t Lee have a daughter now?  Wouldn’t all the girls just play together?  Why is he acting like watching kids is a big deal now?  Douche.  I guess Carlos called Lee this morning to tell him that he was going to Littleton, so Gabby, Bree and Andrew get back in the car to find Carlos.  Juanita comes out and gets her one line for this episode which is, of course, “I’m hungry.”  Oooh, clever, Desperate Housewives writers.  Juanita likes food?  This is news to me.  Because you’ve never beat me over the head with THAT before.

Felicia is talking to an unknown person, saying that Paul was touched when they scattered the ashes.  Turns out she’s talking to Beth’s REAL ashes — what she gave to Paul was just a bunch of dust from her Hoover.  She tells “Beth” that she’s going to stay with Felicia forever.  “And don’t you worry about Paul.  I’ll make him pay for what he did to you.  But not just by shooting him, no, that’s too quick.  Too . . . merciful.  No, death is the easy way out.  But look who I’m telling.”  Ah, yes, there we go.  Felicia is evil, but good god, she’s fun.  Remember in season 2 when she put Crisco all over Paul’s front porch to make him slip?  And she covered his house in that bug spraying tent?  And she put gasoline in his lighter fluid container?  Good times.

Gabby and the gang find Carlos at his mom’s mausoleum.  She tells Carlos that she never understood why Mama Solis wanted to be in his life and couldn’t let go, but now that she’s a mother, she understands.  Bree starts to apologize for Andrew and defend him again, but he tells her to cool it because he needs to accept responsibility for his own actions.  He tells Carlos that he’s going to make things right — Carlos can sue him or go to the police and/or do whatever it takes.  Bree tells Gabby that she’s proud of Andrew.  Carlos invites Andrew to sit down.

And then Mary Alice tells us that we need to apologize and then move on.  Mary Alice says we need to accept life changes and trust old enemies and stop fighting our children’s battles.  Sometimes though, “the pain we’ve caused is so great, there is no moving on.”  Like crabs.  Like that time I gave you crabs.  I apologized, so if you can’t move on, that’s your problem, not mine.  Bree brings over some muffins to Carlos to thank him for forgiving Andrew.  Nothing says “I’m sorry for that vehicular homicide” like a big basket of bran muffins.  Carlos tells Bree she can go to hell.  He forgave Andrew since he was a kid who made a mistake, but Bree was an adult, “my friend, who covered up for him.”  Then Carlos tells Bree that he’s not her friend . . . and Gabby’s not her friend anymore either!  Oh, dip, whaaatt?!  He says they’re cutting off every single tie to Bree!  And he slams the door in her face.

“Oh, great.  So, now who’s going to judge me and make me feel ashamed of myself?  Dammit!”

Next week:  More Bree/Gabby conflicts and sneaking around to see each other!  It looks pretty hilarious!  And for some reason, they’re trying to make it look like Paul and Susan have sex . . . which, seriously?  Seriously, Desperate Housewives?