Hey, remember this show? Sure you do! This episode is called “Flashbacks,” and I thought it might be the requisite Let’s Bring Mary Alice Back Onscreen episode, but it’s not.
Mary Alice blahs about how “Paul Young had a son, but hadn’t seen him in years.” Again, Mary Alice, he’s YOUR SON TOO. Why can’t she say, “my husband hadn’t seen our son in years?” People who haven’t seen the early seasons of the show probably don’t even know who Mary Alice is by this point. Ugh, that bugs me. Writer fail! Apparently, Zach spent his inheritance money on whores and blow and now the mansion Zach inherited from his biological grandfather (remember him?) is in foreclosure. But Paul wants to find Zach, and he can only go to one man for help.
No, sorry, that was a fakeout. Paul actually asks Mike for help finding Zach, but Mike says he doesn’t know where Zach is. Paul tells him that Zach is the one who shot him, using the same gun that Mary Alice used to kill herself. Again, the people who haven’t seen the first couple seasons are all, “Who’s Mary Alice? Was she the Italian lady who put a note in the lasagna?” Mike asks Paul why he didn’t go to the police, but Paul wants to keep it in the family. Mike says he heard that Zach was in Idaho and Paul tells him to contact him if he hears from Zach. Ah, but Mike totally knows where Zach is and decides to give him a call. But Zach doesn’t answer the phone.
Kids, the real danger of doing drugs is that you blow all your money on cocaine and can only afford a cell phone from 1999.
Seriously. I’ve seen bricks that were thinner than that thing. Mary Alice says that it doesn’t matter where we go or how quickly we want to get there or how we look back — the past catches up to us. Like that time I got crabs. Keith is carrying a pizza over to Bree’s house, while Amber stands outside, watching the house. Ew. Bree is a little pissed at Keith for bringing the pizza since she’s making grilled salmon. Amber calls and tells Bree that she’s outside and needs to talk. Bree makes up some excuse about having to go over to Lynette’s and meets Amber outside. On a bench. On Wisteria Lane. In public. Amber tells Bree that she can’t wait for the check to clear and would prefer a cashier’s check. Bree says there’s a restaurant across from the bank and she’ll meet Amber there at 2pm tomorrow. Amber then gives Bree a photo of Charlie to give to Keith, so he can at least know what his son looks like.
Susan’s at the hospital, where the rep tells her that it will be about 4 years until she can get a kidney, which is a bummer. Oh, Cherry — I’m so sick of mopey Susan. Get her a kidney so she can get back to her usual shenanigans, like, I don’t know, falling off a cliff while roller blading or being attacked by a swarm of hummingbirds. Crap like that. As Susan’s leaving the hospital, she hears someone calling out her name.
Is it A.) Macauley Culkin in 20 years, B.) Dave Foley, or C.) Chaz Bono after a day at the salon and three weeks of Slim-Fast?
If you guessed B, you’re correct! You have earned a random shirtless photo of one of the male cast members.
“My perfect nipples are hypnotic, no?”
Now that you’ve wiped the drool from your computer/blackberry/iphone/ipad, we can continue. Apparently, Monroe (Dave Foley) went to high school with Susan, and has tried to friend her about 12 times on Facebook. Um, did the writers just discover Facebook this year? Because this is like the 2nd or 3rd Facebook joke in about 5 episodes. Be prepared for copious Twitter jokes in Season 8, folks. The Desperate Housewives staff is on the ball. Monroe asks her what’s new, and Susan is like, I need a kidney and have to do dialysis, and starts crying. She leaves in a hurry.
Lynette’s at the senior center, having lunch with Stella and Frank, who wants to take a family portrait with Lynette and her family. Lynette says that Saturday’s not good because everyone’s busy. Frank offers to pay her $500 bucks, but Lynette doesn’t want to be bribed. If it were me, I wouldn’t take it either. I’d hold out for $1,000. After Frank leaves to take his meds, Stella tells Lynette that Frank’s about to put her in the will, so she needs to placate him as much as possible. Lynette agrees, but only if they take the photo at her house.
Meanwhile, Gabby’s in therapy. Thank god. She’s telling her therapist about how she met Mick Jagger, and then she asks, “Do you have any wine?” Hee. Gabby makes a flippant comment about her dad and of course the therapist pounces on this. Gabby says her dad died when she was a kid and then her mom got remarried, and then she changes the subject back to Mick Jagger. The therapist tells her not to be afraid and that they should talk about her childhood. Gabby gets home and tells Carlos that she OH MY GOD CARLOS’S GOATEE IS BACK! YAY!
Oh, I’ve missed you, old friend. Kiss? No? Jerk.
Gabby tells Carlos that she’s going to go to therapy three times a week, and he can suck it and cancel his golf and other plans because Gabby needs to get better.
Bree’s meeting Amber at — you guessed it — a pizza place. Oh, how ironic, since she made such a big deal of Keith eating pizza the other night. Amber brought Charlie, who doesn’t want to go with Amber to the bank. So, Amber asks Bree to watch Charlie while she runs over to the bank. Bree’s not too happy about this. Awkward. Adorable Charlie runs away from the scary white lady to go play some arcade games.
“So . . . how’s that . . . mulatto thing . . . working out . . . for you?”
Susan rushes over to the hospital because her beeper went off and she’s getting a kidney! Yay! No more mopey Susan. Turns out, though, that Monroe is the one who’s decided to give his kidney to her. Because of course he’s a match. He says that Susan was really nice to him in high school, which I don’t really believe. Susan’s grateful, but I sure hope that Monroe doesn’t have some sort of ulterior motive.
Charlie’s playing that basketball hoop game thing when all of a sudden, Keith shows up! Oh my god! He was on his way to a job! Then he spotted Bree’s car! At a pizza place! And Bree just told him pizza was bad!
Charlie asks Bree for more quarters, which she doesn’t have, so Keith gives him a couple quarters and starts playing the basketball game with him. And of course it’s so completely adorable that Bree almost cries and starts to feel guilty.
Random thoughts: Is Orson still living with Bree? Are they ever going to put a bookend on that? And I was watching seasons 5 & 6 and it turns out that, according to the show, Susan still has all her strip joint money. It was never mentioned at all if she spent it on anything, just that Mike was too proud for her to use it on his debts. So as far as I know, she still has it. Which is just effing stupid. Buy a black market kidney, beyotch! Also, I wonder how Katherine and Robin are doing on their Big Lesbian European Vacation.
Over at the Scavo house, it’s family photo time! Porter (Preston?) asks why they’re taking a photo, and Tom tells them it’s for grandma. Stella and Frank show up, and Frank immediately infers that Lynette’s house is shit (I actually think it’s a really nice house) and then proceeds to insult an Asian woman who was driving ahead of him. The family is not impressed with this.
I love Parker’s face in this. And Penny’s all, “Your racism gave me a mini-stroke.”
Lynette has everything set up for the photo, but Frank says that he doesn’t want to see her “crappy kitchen” in the photo. Touche, Frank. Touche. He asks Cagney & Lacey (Porter & Preston) to help him move the couch in front of the fireplace. Hee. Frank’s face gets really red. Uh-oh. What’s gonna happen? Yeah, you’ve seen the previews. And/or read my “About Last Night” recap. (Although probably not the latter.) After the photo’s been taken, Tom goes to check it, and it seems that Frank’s eyes were closed. And they’re probably gonna stay that way, considering Frank died. Oopsie daisies!
Goodbye, Frank, you sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot. We hardly knew ye.
You know who would be great as the Lily Tomlin character in a 9 to 5 remake? Felicity Huffman. I’m actually serious. Anyway, Penny’s all, “Is his ghost going to be trapped in our house? Is he going to haunt us?!” Hee! Porter (Preston?) is worried about the couch Dead Frank is on. Stella can’t believe he’s gone. But she tells Lynette that she can’t call the police now — because Frank’s will doesn’t go into effect until tomorrow! Lynette thinks that keeping Dead Frank in her house is weird . . . until Stella informs her that once she has all that money, she can pay for college, braces, and anything Lynette needs. Lynette is very interested in that.
Meanwhile . . .
“You know, I think I’ll just lie here and think about that time I went to see Zach. ‘Flashback,’ if you will . . .”
And before you can do that whole “doodily-doodily-doo” thing with your hands, all Wayne’s World-style, Mike takes us back to a time when Zach wasn’t doing so well.
A time when Zach looked like Dawson Leery.
Let’s hope Zach looks better than Dawson when he cries. Zach is all, Yeah you want some money don’t you, Real Dad? Zach says that he’s out of most of his money cuz a bunch of other people wanted it. Uh-huh. People like Mr. Cocaine and Mrs. Crystal Meth-Jones. Yeah. Mike’s onto you, Zach. He asks Zach if he’s feeling all right and then tells Zach that he and Susan had to rent their house to Paul. And Zach’s all WHAAAAAAA my dad’s out of jail?! Zach is upset because Paul’s a “bastard” who doesn’t deserve to be free. Well, even a strung-out-on-meth broken clock is right twice a day, I guess.
Over at the House of Usher (that is NOT a joke about the R&B superstar, by the way), Tom’s looking at Frank’s sheet-covered body in the stillness of the night. It’s super quiet. Until Lynette comes at him from behind and scares him on purpose! And Tom screams like a little girl. It’s very funny. Tom is creeped out, while Lynette wonders how Frank became a douche who never talked to his family and friends. Tom says that money changes everything. Which is a lesson I learned from Cyndi Lauper in 1984. And then Lynette scares Tom again.
Carlos is folding towels. In his suit, I may add. When was the last time Carlos wore something that wasn’t a suit? For instance, nothing but a jock strap? Boo. Here. Let’s try to alleviate some of this pain, shall we?
Aaaahhh, much better.
Now that the tightness in my Old Navy jeans has finally subsided, we can move on. I don’t really want to move on, though . . . I just want to stare at the Hispanic loveliness that is Carlos Solis/Ricardo Antonio Chavira. But I have a job to do, so I’ll sacrifice my raging libido. For you. Just for you. Carlos gets a phone call from a lady who wants to confirm Gabby’s 1:00 appointment. Carlos is all, Yeah okay, that’s cool. Until the lady asks what kind of treatment she wants today. Carlos says that whatever they’ve been doing is fine, and the lady is like, “Well we did a seaweed wrap on Monday, Wednesday the hot stone massage . . .” Oh, dear. Carlos is upset and he’s probably going to yell at Gabby again. But you know what? His goatee is back so I really don’t care what he does anymore.
Sure enough, Carlos has run right over to the spa, and he surprises Gabby with an anonymous and hard massage. And then he spanks her, and I pretend that I’m Gabby for a moment and that Carlos is wearing nothing but trendy 2(x)ist underwear. Specifically the Camo no-show brief. Ugh. I need something to get Carlos off my mind, right? How about . . .
Well. That did not help. That did not help at all. R.I.P. Karl Meyer. You deserved more shirtless time than you received. So, basically Carlos tells Gabby that he knows the jig is up. Gabby says she doesn’t need therapy. Um. Gabby? You carried a doll in your purse. You made up a back story for said doll. You put said doll in a car seat. So, I’m thinking you need LOTS of therapy. Carlos agrees with me: “Gabby, you almost got us killed pulling a doll out of a car.” Word. Gabby’s all, Well yeah, I kind of did that. She agrees to go to the therapist, and then asks Carlos for another massage. And he spanks her again, and now I’m picturing Carlos in the 2(x)ist All Star no show brief OHMIGOD they make an All Star jock strap. Yes. Yes. Yes . . .
But because I’m committed to recapping for you, I will take my mind away from that ever-so-happy place and continue. The coroner’s at Lynette’s house, and Stella tells him that Frank went down to watch some tv around midnight, and they found him dead in the morning. Aw, shucks. I was hoping for some Weekend at Bernie’s type shenanigans. Oh, well. After the coroner leaves, Stella is all giddy because of all the money she’s going to be getting. Parker wants a laptop! Preston (Porter?) wants a motorcycle! I want a pony! Lynette wants people to honor and respect the memory of Frank, which lasts exactly 1 second before Tom asks about Frank’s Bentley.
Mike goes over to Zach’s house/aparment (Mike has a key?), and Zach hilariously stumbles out with a knife, like he’s some drunk longshoreman stumbling out of a bar at 2am.
“I’s gonna cut you face, bitch!”
Seriously. There is like, zero tension and suspense in this part of the scene. Mike is a good seven feet away from Zach, who is moving at about -5 mph, by the way. Mike is all, “Zach, it’s me!” Zach is all, “It’s a rough neighborhood.” Well then, Zach, it’s a good thing you have your safety plan of wandering slowly and aimlessly toward people while clutching a knife. Mike wants to talk to Zach and asks him if he shot Paul. Zach says that he did because he ruined Zach’s life and it’s not fair that Paul gets to start over while Zach is miserable. Um, it’s kind of your own fault, DANA, for pissing all your money away on whores and blow. Zach says he got paranoid and left the gun at Bree’s. Mike’s all, “That’s what happens when you’re high — you do things without thinking.” Mike wants to send Zach to rehab, but Zach’s like, Oh NOW you want to help me, when it’s your fault that I was raised by that monster? You know what? I blame all of this on Mary Alice. She’s the one who killed Deirdre. She’s the one who shot herself, causing Paul to do all the stuff he did. Okay, I kind of blame Martha Huber too. But I really don’t blame Mike for anything. Zach yells at Mike to get out of his house.
Wow, I totally forgot about Susan and her vital organs. She has Monroe over for some tea or coffee or something. She also bought Monroe a little glass heart trinket. Monroe waxes about high school. He even has a present for her — a scrapbook of high school memories. Including photos of Susan. And no one else.
“See, Susan? Here you are falling off the human pyramid. And here you are falling off the rope in gym class. Awww, there you are falling into the punch at the homecoming dance. And there you are falling off your stool in the physics lab.” “I pooped my pants that time.” “You sure did, kiddo. You sure did.”
Oh, Monroe also took one of Susan’s English papers out of the trash and put it in the scrapbook. Also, he did the same thing with her retainer. Gross. I had a retainer with tiger stripes when I was a kid. It was badass! Monroe says that now he and Susan will be bonded forever. Forever. Forever. It’s creepy, but you know what? I’d take the kidney first and then tell him to eff off.
Stella and Porter (Preston?) get back from a shopping spree. Stella bought Lynette a necklace for $2200. Also, Stella’s wearing a new fur coat. She invites Lynette and her family to come over to the center for dinner on Sunday. Lynette says Sunday is a busy day, but Stella’s all, You might want to make it work, “given everything I’m gonna do for the family.” She then says that if Lynette doesn’t want to go to dinner, she can just ask one of her sisters. Oh, please have Lynette’s sisters back on the show! They were so fun!
Keith is at Bree’s, watching some sportsball on the TV, making innocuous comments like, “Come on!” and “Are you kidding me?!” Bree comes in, looking very pale and sad. She gives him a photo of Charlie, and Keith’s all, “How come you’re giving me a photo of the kid from the pizza place?” Bree tells Keith that Charlie is his son. Whaaaa?!
Over at Susan’s:
The minority regulars get their 3 minutes of screen time.
Renee and Lee are suspect of Monroe’s kidney actions. They find the scrapbook and are like, Ew this is creepy. They tell Susan that she can’t take his kidney. Susan says it could be 6 years before she could get another one. Word! But Renee and Lee tell Susan that she can’t take Monroe’s kidney because he will be in her life forever. Eff that — I’d take that kidney and run, bitches! Anyway, thanks minority characters! Renee — I’ll see you next week. Lee — god only knows when.
Gabby and Carlos are in the therapist’s office hallway, arguing. It seems Gabby is coming down with a flu, but Carlos obviously doesn’t believe her. It’s actually really funny, and if you’re reading this Desperate Housewives writers — More of this, please! Give Carlos more funny time! Carlos orders Gabby to therapy. She says she’ll go, after she goes to the bathroom. And of course, she jimmies open the bathroom window and crawls out onto the fire escape. And just when I’m thinking, “It would be hilarious if Carlos was already outside on the fire escape, but they probably won’t do that. I hate this show,” Carlos is there! On the fire escape! So funny. I love this show again. Gabby tries to escape but Carlos tells her that she needs help. Gabby yells that she doesn’t want to talk about her childhood! And then, Carlos gets really sweet and supportive, saying that she told him about it once and he respected her decision not to talk about it again. But he’s heard her crying in the bathroom and looking sad when people ask her about her past. He continues, telling her that she can’t carry the burden and the therapist might help her let all of that go. She asks him to come with her, and he does. Gabby tells the therapist that when she lost Grace, it “tapped into this need I have to protect children.” Um . . . I’m all for therapy, but it must be said: From what I’ve seen, your “need to protect children” doesn’t exactly extend to your own kids, Gabby. Whatevs. The therapist asks her where that need comes from and Gabby drops this bombshell: Her stepdad molested her.
Ah. Bone to pick: This is not a bombshell, writers. In like the 4th or 5th or 6th episode of the first season — the very first season! — we found out that Gabby was 15(?) when her stepdad molested her. It was in a Mary Alice voiceover, for pete’s sakes. And I’m pretty sure that Gabby has flippantly mentioned this a couple times since then. What happened to Gabby was horrible, and I’m glad she’s getting help for it, but acting like neither you (writers) or us (the faithful audience) knew about it until this “revelation” is kind of pandering. And douche-y.
Paul’s watering his lawn when Mike pulls up and tells him to get in. I hope they’re going to a remote area to compare their 2(x)ist underwear. But alas, Mike just wants to take Paul to see Zach. Paul asks why he should help Zach since he tried to, you know, kill him and all. Mike is like, Zach is your son. And my son. And our son. So we should help him.
Susan’s leaving her apartment to do some laundry, when who should pop up?
She’s a kidney match!
Pfft. I wish. Honestly, I really, really wish they’d bring Applewhite back before the show ends. At least for one episode. No, the person who pops up is stinky old Monroe. It turns out, he’s renting an apartment in the same complex, so he can be “close.” Susan: “Here’s the thing about that — there’s ‘close,’ and then there’s ‘Glenn Close.’” Hee! She tells him he’s being “stalk-y.” She then shows him a photo of her with Mike and M.J. Yeah, I find it hard to believe that this is just now coming up. But I will suspend my disbelief for you, Desperate Housewives. This time . . . Susan says that she’s thankful for the kidney, but after the operation, there’s no room in her life for Monroe, since he wants to be more than friends and she’s married. She says it’s tricky, because she needs a kidney so she can be healthy for Mike and M.J. She’ll always be grateful for Monroe, but she can’t give him what he wants. And then? Monroe. Says. He can’t. Give Susan. His kidney. EVIL! You can’t give one of your kidneys to a poor mom whose husband works in Alaska?! She has to live in an apartment, Monroe! AN APARTMENT! Dude, what a dick. And also, Susan is way not upset enough right now. I would be yelling and throwing things at Monroe, and then I’d go insane with rage, grab a butterknife, and try to cut that effing kidney right out of him myself. Thank you, writers. Thank you for giving us hope and then snatching it right back with your filthy hands. Jerks.
Mary Alice says that even though we think we’ve left the past behind, it has a way of catching up with us. Also, secrets are revealed. And we can move on if we’re strong. Zach opens his front door.
Mary Alice tells us that we’ll have some help, if we’re lucky. And Paul and Mike show up to help Zach overcome his addiction to whores and blow. Oh, man, I really wish this episode could end with the theme song from My Two Dads!
Next Week: Lynette yells at Porter (Preston?) and Preston (Porter?). Susan starts to use her kidney failure to her advantage (finally!). Gabby finds some new fans. And then Susan passes out in slo-mo as dramatic music plays in the background.
One more for the road: