Desperate Housewives: Not So Dirty Sanchez

Tonight on Desperate Housewives:  Lynette tires of exploiting Tom and goes for an easy target:  Penny.  Susan finds out some bad news about her “job,” and we get this season’s first Klutzy Susan(TM) moment.  Gabby gets a little too attached to her biological daughter, while Paul begins his sinister plan of . . . attaining property and real estate.  Spooky!  Meanwhile, Renee and Bree continue to fight over David Silver.

And I will admit it:  Black Edie has won me over with her delicious bitchiness and unfiltered snark.

Mary Alice tells us that Carlos loves his wife.  Like more than anything.  You know what I love more than anything?

 

Fake flashback goatee.

Yes, it’s fake, but I don’t care.  I still haven’t gotten used to Naked Carlos Face.  Carlos loves Gabby even though she’s vain and selfish and spoiled.  Thank you, Mary Alice.  Thank you so much for wasting our time explaining things we already know.  She blahs that Carlos especially loves Gabby when she’s vulerable, which is kind of messed up, if you ask me.  But you didn’t, so let’s move on.  Carlos and Gabby are meeting the other family (the one with their real daughter) in the park.  Edgar Sanchez walks up to them and introduces himself.  You know what would have been awesome?  If the other family was like, Asian or something.  It wouldn’t make any sense — well, it would to Sharron Angle — but it would be an awesome WTF moment for everyone.

“Some of you Hispanic people look Asian to me.  And some of you Asians look black to me.  So, I don’t know.  You all look like illegals, is what I’m trying to say.”

The Sanchez family isn’t as attractive as the Solis family, which I guess makes sense that Juanita is their real daughter?  You know, I have to say all of this is kind of insulting to the little girl who plays Juanita.  I could look up her real name, but I don’t really feel like doing it, because I’m literally only 2 minutes into this recap, and I can’t waste any more time.  Anyway, I mean, she’s been called fat and junk for 2 years, and I’m sure Gabby’s said something to the effect of, “How could THAT be my real daughter?” and now it turns out that she isn’t their real daughter, proving to her that beautiful people can only have beautiful children so she’s pretty much screwed when it comes to a.) a husband/life partner and b.) children.  Rude, Cherry.  Rude.  And irresponsible.

Or maybe I’m just a dumbass who analyzes too much and should just freaking recap already.  Edgar says the whole thing is crazy, and maybe they should do a blood test.  And just then, Grace tells her mom that she can’t wear a red jacket with her shoes, because they totes don’t go together.  Oh, dip, Grace is totally a shallow Solis baby.  Credits.

Mary Alice tells us about . . . purses.  Seriously.  So, the writers were thinking about a Mary Alice metaphor and the best they could come up with this week was . . . purses?  What’s next week’s Mary Alice Metaphor, hats?  Bolo ties?  Mary Alice tells us purses hold things.  Thanks again, Mary Alice.  Gabby pulls some lip gloss out of her Chanel purse, and Grace’s mom is already judging.

“I don’t know you, but I can already tell you’re a vapid slut who slept with her underage gardener.  And possibly left another lover for dead in the middle of the ocean.”

Gabby and Carlos tell the Sanchez fam that the girls shouldn’t know about the ole switcheroo, but they should get together once a month or something.  Grace asks her mom for some money for ice cream, and Carmen (her mom) is like, You just had lunch, so I’m sorry but no.  And then Gabby swoops in and says, Oh hey, sure, have some money for ice cream, it’s in my Chanel purse.  Gabby says that she’s been a good mother, and talks about how well she’s raised Juanita, and then Juanita comes up and is all, Gimme ice cream money, puta!  In Gabby’s defense, sometimes kids, no matter how they’re raised, are just rude.  And in Juanita’s defense, sometimes people just suck at being parents.

Mike and Susan celebrate paying off their car loan by lighting it on fire.  You sure you don’t want to save that important loan paperwork?  File it away maybe?  No?  Okay then.  Mike goes to take a shower, and LandLainie comes in to talk some business with Susan.  Oh, please show us Mike taking a shower instead!  But no, instead we get LandLainie telling Susan that she should quit, because there are some new partners in her business, and the website’s going to be going global, meaning that people in America and probably Fairview will be able to see Susan’s ta-tas while she folds Li’l M.J.’s Underoos.  Susan says that she’ll work double shifts and what-not until the site goes global on the internets.

Over at Lynette’s house, Paige is crying loudly.  And Lynette’s not helping.

“I’ve tried manipulating you, I’ve tried undermining your authority, I’ve tried guilt and shame, I’m running out of options here, kid!”

Lynette blahs about how much Paige cried at the supermarket (yes, I call it a supermarket and not grocery store, get over it), and then Lynette gets a phone call from the supermarket (suck it) saying that she left her license there, and OMG it’s going to be totes sucky to take Paige back to the supermarket (screw you).  Penny’s like, Go ahead and go to the market and leave your baby with your 11 year-old responsible daughter!  Lynette reluctantly agrees, and when she gets back and everything’s fine, she asks Penny if she can watch Paige while she takes a shower and what-not.  Slippery slope, Lynette Scavo.  Slippery slope.

Beth is out of aspirin because she’s taken so much for her back, which hurts from sleeping on the couch.  Cuz she doesn’t want any Young wang inside her.  Look, yes, Paul killed at least one person, but you guys?  I bet he’s frickin’ amazing in bed.  I should know – I’ve dated 2 murderers.  It would have been three, but one guy’s victim is still in a coma.  Damn survivor!  Lee bursts in all gay-ly blabbing about how Paul now owns his old house.  Yes, once a regular on this show, Lee has now been regulated to periodically popping in to flame on about real estate.  Beth’s like, How could you not tell me you bought your old house, I’m your wife!  And Paul’s all, “Isn’t it convenient how during the day you’re my wife, but at night you turn back into a houseguest.”

“Yeah?  Well at night you turn back . . . into a . . . a . . . jerk type . . . person . . . thing.  Oh, dip, I totally just got schooled.”

David Silver is painting some 10,000 year-old Montana wise snow fence wood out on Bree’s lawn.  Bree asks about what they’re going to do on their date on Friday.  Okay Desperate Housewives writers:  Last week?  Bree asked Keith out, so shouldn’t she be making plans?  AND they agreed on Thursday.  And if this isn’t supposed to be their first date, if it’s like 3 weeks later or something, maybe you should add a little dialogue that suggests so, because otherwise, this shit makes you look lame.  And dumb.  Renee’s across from Bree’s house, drinking coffee on Lynette’s porch, all pissed off that Bree and Keith are flirting and dating.  Lynette lets it slip that Bree has a grandson, and Renee?  Is pretty thrilled by this concept.

Black Edie will suck away your happiness until you collapse into yourself like a dead star.

You guys?  I like Renee.  I’m glad they made her the fun, bitchy, slutty character.  Because after Cherry (stupidly) killed off Edie, and then (stupidly) decided to make Katherine a bat-shit-insane-lesbian-alternate-universe-version of herself who runs off to freaking Paris with her lova (which made me sad and hateful), we need a character who’s actually fun and snarky and over-the-top, and Renee/Vanessa Williams is filling that void.  Some people say it’s just a rehash of her Ugly Betty character — I don’t know, since I’ve never seen Ugly Betty — but I say so what?  She’s fun, and anyone who shakes things up on the Lane is okay by me.  Unless said person is Beige Hair Dave, in which case:  Pass.

“Never gets old, does it, Hypnotoad.  Ass.”

That’s right, Dave.  It will NEVER get old!  Lynette tells Penny that she’s taking Paige over to Gabby’s for a quick how-do-you-do and then she’ll be right back, but Penny’s like, Stay there and play cards and I’ll watch my baby sister!  What the hell happened to the rest of the Scavo kids?  Are they the ones locked in the basement now?  Of course Lynette jumps right on this and flies out the door so fast that she leaves time-traveling DeLorean flame tracks.

At the poker game — Susan is absent, most likely because she’s scrubbing a toilet in her baby doll nightie — Gabby decides to tell the gals about her little daughter snafu.  She tells them not to tell anyone else, and then tells them about Grace, and how awe-inspiring it was when Grace knew that Gabby’s bag was expensive.  Gabby waxes about being poor as a kid and not being able to afford Hermes and stuff and how much it sucks.  So, logically, Gabby bought a Chanel purse for Grace.  Renee, in all seriousness, is like, “You are the best mother ever!”  Hee.  You have won us over, Renee.  For now.

Beth is getting ready for another night in Sofa City, when she notices that Paul’s in his old house.  So she goes over to ask why he bought it, since it must be filled with painful memories.  Paul’s like, No, I see the chair where I read to my son, and I see the couch where my wife and I had morning coffee . . .

“I see the pool, where we hid the dead body of that drug addict.  I see the kitchen, where I strangled Martha Huber . . . Good times, good times.”

Paul’s like, “I had a real marriage here.”  Ouch!  Ouchies.  Beth says their non-sexual personally threatening marriage is totes real, but she doesn’t like Paul keeping things from her.

“I don’t like you keeping things from me, either.  Like your vagina, you dumb skank!”

Paul says he doesn’t like secrets either, because secrets are “why this house is empty right now.”  Yeowza, Paul.  Draaammma!

David Silver has got Black Eyed Peas tickets for himself and Bree!  Yay!

“Oooh, is that an African-American cooking show?  Because I have this recipe for collard greens that –”

“No, it’s America’s douche-iest pop group!  They sing brilliant songs about how tonight’s gonna be a good night.  How tonight’s gonna be a good night.  A good, good night.  How tonight’s gonna be a good, good night.”

“Why, they’re practically this generation’s Joni Mitchell and Bob Dylan!  They sound super, super fun!”

“I know, right?  And I brought plenty of weed.”

“Thank god, cuz I CANNOT sit through that horrible shit sober.  Okay, fine.  Let’s go get retarded.”

But their night of repetitive lyrics about Jewish drinking toasts ends right before it begins, as the door opens . . . and it’s Betty Applewhite!  Nah, just kiddin’.  It’s Danielle and her son, Benjamin. A.k.a. Bree’s grandson.  Is the actress who plays Danielle pregnant?  I’m just asking.  I’m a horrible judge of these things and would NEVER ask her in person, but since she’s on tv, and wearing a billowy empire-waisted shirt, I just thought I’d ask.  Ladies?  Any knowledge on this one?  Bree’s embarrassed that Keith has found out that she’s a mee-maw, but Keith says they can go out another time.  Danielle says Renee flew them first-class because she said Bree was feeling bad about her divorce.  Ooh, Bree ain’t happy about that!

Have we had a patented Klutzy Susan moment yet this season?  Seems like by now she’d have fallen into an open grave or accidentally dropped acid or something.  No?  Nothing?  Okay.  Hit me with it, Cherry.  Seems that LandLainie’s site is putting up a billboard on a building downtown, and that billboard happens to be a gigantic Susan.

My nightmares thank you, Mr. Cherry.

So, of course, Susan has to spare herself the idignity of being seen by Fairview and probably Mike, so she tries to put a stop to it by grabbing a hold of one part of the billboard before it’s pasted.  Again, I’m pretty sure this isn’t how billboards are actually put up (how would it be pasted on the wall by a crane?  Are they just going to slam it against the wall and hope it sticks?), but it serves this plot point.  Susan of course falls down to the ground.

Meanwhile, McCluskey has the right idea.

“I am so sick of Susan’s klutzy crap.  And don’t get me started on that bitch Lynette.  *Sigh*  It’s too hot today.”

Paul comes over to say hey.  Paul says that he was wondering if McC would want to sell her home.  McC doesn’t.  And then Paul’s like, I love this neighborhood and don’t want your house to fall into the wrong hands after you’re dead.  He then goes on this menacing tirade about how she’s old, and her hip will break or she’ll have a stroke, and the docs will say she can’t live on her own, and then the real estate people will know she’s desperate to sell.  So, Paul’s diabolical plan is to buy all the houses on Wisteria Lane?

“Don’t forget the railroads, you young whipper-snapper!”

Lynette’s going for a jog, and Penny’s like, Be back super fast because I have a test and have to catch the bus today!  Lynette’s like, Oh yeah sure totes I’ll be back bye!  And of course, Lynette gets distracted by Bree and her problems with Keith and Renee.  Lynette tells Bree she has to fight back.  Bree wants some ammo, and Lynette lets it drop that Renee’s afraid of little people.  Lynette arrives home (late) to find a note from Penny saying that she couldn’t wait and had to go to school.  But what about Paige now that Lynette suddenly cares about her?!

“For the last time, Donald, I am not granting you joint custody!”

Yup.  Penny took Paige to school with her.  Lynette shows up at the school, where all the teachers and students are (correctly) judging her.  Principal Judgment is like, I have 8 kids ho, so don’t play that “too many kids” card with me.  Principal Judgment goes on to say that Penny takes the baby monitor to bed so she can get up for the feedings.  So . . . Lynette’s just slept through the night each night for like a week and didn’t even wonder, “Hey, remember when I fed my baby during the night?  Whatever happened with that?”  Lynette says she’ll talk to Penny about it.

Gabby shows up at the Sanchez house unannounced, and leaves the Chanel purse with Carmen, since Grace isn’t there.  Carmen’s like, We already bought her a purse, and she loves it, so eff off, puta.  Carmen tells Gabby that she needs to let the Sanchezes be themselves and let the Solises be themselves.  Word, Carmen.

Susan’s freaking out to LandLainie about the billboards.  Oh, you guys, the shrillness — it cuts to the bone.  LandLainie says she’ll make a call about the billboards.

Penny comes home from school, and apologizes, but she had a math test and she didn’t want to be late.  Lynette’s like, “You didn’t do anything wrong — I did.” Whaaaaaaaa?!  Lynette says that she doesn’t want Penny to have to take care of Paige all the time.  Penny says, I know you like jogging and seeing your friends and you’re a much better human being when you’re happy and junk.  Lynette agrees (as do I), but says that Penny shouldn’t have to take care of Lynette.  She needs to “watch tv and eat way too much candy.”  Aw.  That’s kind of sweet.  You know, even with Penny’s exploitation, I didn’t exactly hate Lynette this week.  I guess that’s progress, Cherry.  Tom overheard Lynette, and he agrees that she was being sweet.  Lynette tells Tom she wants a nanny.  Oh, that’s awesome!  Because they’ve never had a nanny before oh wait they totally did in season 1.  Seriously — if Lynette ends up going to back to work with her black button up suits, and her briefcase full of work type things, and then Tom argues about feeling emasculated again, then I will LOSE IT!  Prove to me that you’re better than this, writers.  Please.

“Oooh, you know what would be funny?  If I accidentally saw the nanny naked, and then you had to fire her and then –”  “Shut up, Tom.”

Carlos yells at Gabby for buying Grace an $1800 purse.  Carlos is all, You have no right to do that!  He goes on to say that because of Gabby, they’re falling in love with Grace, and if she spooks the Sanchez family, then they can say good night, Gracie.

McC walks by Beth outside, and ends up telling her about what Paul said to her.  Later, when she’s making stew, she asks Paul if he spoke to anyone today, and he says that of course he didn’t.  Beth does the patented I’m Mad At You But I’ll Take It Out On the Vegetables With This Knife While Scary Music Plays in the Background thing.  We’ve all seen this before.  Let’s move on.

Keith and Renee are at a Japanese restaurant, when something small and shadowy runs by in the foreground.  Wow.  Way to exploit little people as sinister and scary beings from another dimension, Cherry.  To be fair, though, Renee’s reaction is kind of funny.  She starts to explain to Keith that there was an “incident at the circus when she was a kid,” but is interrupted when a little person comes by and is all, “Hey!  I know you!”  Renee totally freaks out, and to be honest, Vanessa Williams is pretty hilarious in this scene.  I’ll admit that I lol’ed when she threw her coat over the little guy so she wouldn’t have to look at him.   Turns out, Bree hired this guy to scare Renee.  Oh, and she knows him from church.

“Oh my, exploitation of minorities for my own personal gain and pleasure is soooo intoxicating.”

LandLainie tells Susan it’ll cost $9,000 for them to take down the billboards.  If Susan pays them off, then she’s broke again, and Mike will wonder where the money went.  If not, Mike knows that Susan’s a pretty, pretty whore.  LandLainie says there is another way to earn the money back, and fast.  But it involves “other services” that the website provides, and if Susan’s willing to go beyond her “boundaries” and do “private on screen interactions of a racier nature,” then she can earn that $9,000 in no time.

“Fine.  I can do a rusty trombone, but I draw the line at the hot karl.”

Meanwhile, on the dark, poorly lit streets of dangerous downtown Fairview — where legend has it is where the poor minorities live — someone is perusing the alleys for blackmail trash.

Jackpot!

This mystery man (whom we can all agree is Paul Young, right?) takes the billboard and stalks off into the night.

Renee goes over to Bree’s to confront her.  Bitchiness and blackmail threats about little people and grandchildren ensue.  David Silver shows up, and Renee is all, Fine let’s settle this once and for all and see who he wants to date.  Bree chickens out and asks David Silver to choose between green or brown paint for the trim.  Lame.  He leaves to pick up some paint, and Bree’s like, Fine just take him.  She says she’s too old for him.  Renee says people make fun of them because they’re jealous that they still have the cajones to do what they want.  Renee tells Bree that she’ll give up and Bree can have him.  Renee says that she’d rather have Bree as a friend than an enemy.  Really?  This is how it ends?  In the fourth episode?  Who will Renee befrenemy now?  Boo.

Carlos and Gabby host the Sanchez fam at their house.  Carlos and Edgar hope to be friends, while Carmen teaches Juanita to make tortillas or burritos or bacon club chalupas or something.  Grace tells Gabby that her house is pretty, so Gabby takes Grace up to her bedroom, where she gives her a necklace, telling her not to tell her mom and that it will be a secret just between Grace and herself.  Inappropriate.

Mary Alice tells us about purses and how they can hold things.  Like bottles for a baby.  Or a check for protection.  Or a gift for a new friend.

Or an emergency tampon and some loose mints.

Next Week:  I have no idea what’s going on from the preview, but it actually looks like it will be a good one!  I do know that Susan has a hard time hiding her new “job” from M.J.; that Bree discovers something disturbing from David Silver’s past (his rap album?); and someone from the past makes an appearance (according to Wikipedia).  We can all get excited, but it’ll probably just be Julie or something.  Oh, and, um . . . Dave Koz is a guest star.  Seriously.