Desperate Housewives: Not So Hot Flashes

This week on Desperate Housewives:  Renee and Lynette form a new business in about 30 seconds.  But who will have the degrading job of being Lynette’s nanny?  Susan, that’s who.  In a plot that I thought would be much more fun, Gabby suspects Bob of trying to seduce Carlos.  Bree gets some hot flashes, and Paul and Beth finally get physical.  Oh, and some big secret is revealed.

And get a good look folks, cuz you ain’t gonna see this goodness for a long-ass time.  Damn you, Sarah Palin’s Alaska!

Mary Alice tells us about humiliation, which makes sense, because THIS is happening:

Humiliation.

Rollerblading?  What is this, 1997?  Shouldn’t MMMBop be playing in the background while someone uses the Alta Vista search engine on their purple iMac G3?

“I wish mom would get off the phone so I can log on and build my Dawson’s Creek Geocities website!”

Keith and Bree are blissfully rollerblading until Bree falls down on her face.  Face!  They talk about how they’re going to be having dinner with Keith’s parents tonight.  Oh, fantastic.  Bree complains that it’s just so darn hot outside and how she’s all sweaty, and then Bree passes out.  Keith looks at her for what seems like 5 minutes and then calls an ambulance.  The EMT tells her that she has nothing to worry about, since she’s most likely just starting menopause.  Well, kids, we’ve reached that point.  We all knew this was inevitable.  A show about women of a certain age . . . It was bound to happen.  We were hoping that they’d bypass this predictable plot, but then we remembered, “Well it IS season 7, after all,” and here we are.  It has come to this.

Next Week:  Susan copes with the heartbreak of osteoporosis.

Ah, it’s morning on Wisteria Lane.  No one’s been murdered this week, and there’s still only one black person on the street, so all is well.  Mary Alice tells us that, since it’s apparently 1956, the women are taking care of their husbands on this fine morning.

Anyone else forget about Roy?  Cuz I sure the hell did.

Apparently, he married McCluskey.  Yup, totally forgot about that.  Well, writers.  I see you have thrown down the gauntlet on continuity this week.  Well played, writers.  Well played.  Over at Paul’s house, he and Beth wake up from doin’ it.  And doin’ it.  And doin’ it well.  Paul says that the sex was kind of awesome, considering Beth was a virgin.  She says her favorite part is the cuddling, and then she asks him if he wants morning sex.  Which is fun until you realize that both of you need to brush your teeth.  And because I have a jones for Paul Young/Duck Phillips/Mark Moses, you’re getting screen grabs of a shirtless Paul.

Oh yeah.

Uh-huh.

Nice.

Oh stop it, you know you’d hit it too.  Their morning sex is interrupted by the honking of a car horn and a large black man who was apparently Paul’s cellmate in the pokey.  Um, sorry guy, but Wisteria Lane already has Renee, so this season’s quota is filled, so . . . yeah.

Over at Lynette’s house, Renee and Lynette decide that they’re going to start an interior design business.  Earlier today, I decided to open my own credit union.  It’s that easy!  Plus, the country is in the perfect economic place for new businesses to thrive!  I mean, in a recession, people are totally adding frivolous things like interior design to their budgets!

Or, they just buy a bucket of eggshell white, do it themselves, and call it a day.

Renee says they can’t meet at her place because she doesn’t want a baby in her house, and she doesn’t want to have clients at Lynette’s house because it’s a mess.  Renee tells Lynette she needs a nanny, and surely there’s someone desperate enough out there to take the nanny job.  And, of course, we cut to:

“Today’s tip:  The secret to meatloaf on a budget is using newspaper instead of bread crumbs . . . and meat.”

Susan’s at the supermarket, and even with her coupons, she doesn’t have enough money to pay for everything, so she has to put back a few items.  But when the cashier asks her to donate a dollar for poor people, she’s like, I’M poor, bitch!  I can’t even afford my groceries!

Speaking of meatloaf, that’s what Gabby made for dinner.  I guess Bob’s coming over to eat with them, and Carlos doesn’t like Bob.  I don’t want to make Carlos out to be a homophobe, but when you beat the crap out of a couple gay people, well, a spade’s a spade.  Carlos wants to watch the big sportsball game on the tv, but Gabby insists that he eat dinner with them.

At Beth and Paul’s, Yeager (Paul’s ex cellmate) is staying for dinner, and Beth wants to know what his crime was.  Turns out he murdered someone.  Oh, and Yeager is going to be staying at Paul’s old house for a while, but Paul won’t tell Beth why, because he wants to “protect” her.

“I let you see my va-jay-jay and this is the thanks I get?!”

Gabby’s showing pics of Grace to Hot Bob, while Carlos sits silently, trying to resist the urge to punch Bob in his gay face.  (P.S. Bob could totally kick Carlos’s ass.)  As a gift for helping them reunite with Grace, Gabby gives Bob orchestra seats.  To Cats.  Bob is less than thrilled, and I cannot blame him.  Look, I’m a gay dude.  And yes, I like some musicals, but at some point, I have to draw a line.

The line.

Turns out, Bob’s one of those gays who doesn’t like musicals, opera, ice skating, or Barbra Streisand.  He likes beer and college basketball, and Carlos is like, Hey I have tickets so we should go to a game!  He forgets to add that it’d also be great if they took their shirts off and wrestled in a plastic tub full of baby oil, but we all know he’s thinking it.  Or, rather, I’M thinking it.

Bree tells all the girls (save Susan.  Again.) that she’s going through The Change. Lynette tells her it’d be awesome not to have her monthlies, but Bree thinks that Keith will dump her if she tells him.  Renee and Gabby tell her not to tell him about her menopause.

At her apartment, Susan gets a phone message from Renee saying that she and Lynette are starting an interior design business and they have a position she might be interested in.  So, Susan, thinking that she’s getting a job as an interior designer — which, I will admit, would actually work, since Susan has a degree from an art school — heads right on over to Lynette’s house.  She would love to help them out!  Lynette asks her if it would be weird, since they’re friends, and Renee’s like, She wants to be your nanny so just let her!  And Susan’s all,

“Oohhhhhhhhhhhh shit.”

Bree goes to the doctor’s office, and it turns out Nancy Travis is her doctor today.  Yay!  I love me some Nancy Travis.  Bree tells Dr. Wagner that she’s seeing a younger guy, and Dr. Wagner’s all, You go girl!  They’ll look into some therapies for Bree’s menopausal leanings.

Lee bursts into Gabby’s house at 11 at night, because he’s freaking out about Bob.  Lee thinks Bob is seeing someone — he heard that Bob was seeing some “hunky latino.”  Gabby tells him that the “hunky latino” is Carlos.  Darn tootin’.  Lee tells Gabby that Bob has always had a crush on Carlos, and Bob is notorious for turning straight men gay.  I do not doubt that.  You’ve seen Bob, right?  Lee says he takes the straight guys out drinking, then gets them hammered, and then he “flips” them.  Um, that kinda sounds like date rape.  Kinda REALLY sounds like date rape.  Gabby’s not too concerned . . . until Bob and Carlos show up and Carlos is drunkity-drunk-drunk.

Lynette’s come up with a marketing plan and has some business discounts, while Renee’s on her laptop, most likely checking her Facebook page.  Susan comes downstairs from putting Paige down for a nap, and Lynette tells her to sit down and take a load off, but Susan says she’s on the clock, so she’d rather be Lynette’s nanny.

Beth’s on the phone with her “mama” because she doesn’t know what to do.  But when she spies Paul leaving his old house, she decides to go over and have a chat with Yeager.  She tries to pry some info out of him, but Yeager’s not budging.  He says he doesn’t want Beth getting too close to him, and Beth realizes that since Yeager’s a parolee, another crime would send him back to the pokey.  So, she does the only rational thing, and rips her dress up the side.  You know, to make the fake rape look real.   She threatens to tell people that he attacked her, unless he provides her with some information.

Carlos is moisturizing his hands when Gabby tells him that they have plans for the weekend.  But Carlos has plans to go golfing with Bob.  Overnight.  In the same room.  Gabby is jealous and upset, but Carlos is like, Do you really think I would have gay sex with Bob?  Gabby says he most likely would not, but she still doesn’t want him to go, so Carlos says he’ll stay home.  Dammit!

Time for Bree to meet Keith’s parents!  I wonder how this will work out.  Not very well, apparently, since Dr. Wagner (Nancy Travis) is Keith’s mom.  Duhn duhn duhnnnnnnn!  Bree tries to get Keith’s dad to tell some war stories, but he insists that his wife is the one with the stories.  Um, she’s a gynecologist.  So, her stories all involve vagina.  Which would be weird.  And awkward.

“One time?  There was this old bitch?  Who thought she was good enough to date my son?  Long story short, I shot her in her big forehead.  Ha ha ha ha!  Martini, please!”

Dr. Wagner, hilariously and bitchily drunk, has this one great story that she wants to share, but Bree changes the subject.  Until the dad states that Keith must be serious about Bree because he’s never introduced a girlfriend to them before.  Dr. Wagner:  “Is Bree going to be the one who’s giving me my grand-children?”  Hee.  Bree begins get another hot flash, of course.  Keith asks his mom to take a look at her, so Dr. Wagner asks her to describe her feelings, like does she get a “flash of hotness?”  And does she get “mood swings?”  Finally, Bree’s had enough and blurts out that she’s going through menopause.

At Lynette’s house, she and Renee have a client over, and they show her some plans for her daughter’s room — white furniture and rose-colored walls.  She’s not too thrilled about this, until Susan butts in (because she’s Susan) and says that she painted the Knights of the Round Table on her son’s room (good luck on getting that deposit back, Suzy-Q), and he loves it.  She suggests something playful like that.  The client really likes that idea, and tells Lynette and Renee that she’s impressed by Susan.  Renee’s pissed.  Lynette starts to apologize to Susan, but Susan’s all snarky and says, “No no.  I crossed a line.”  I can’t believe Lynette hasn’t done anything to piss me off in this episode.  Of course, there are 11 minutes left . . .

Gabby goes over to Bob’s house to “borrow some eggs.”  Bob’s pissed at Gabby because Carlos told him about Gabby’s idea that he’d seduce Carlos.  She says that she knows about his tendency to “flip” guys.  I’d let him “flip” me, if you know what I mean.  And, you do, so I’ll move on.  Bob says that this is just about him being lonely, and since Lee left, he has no friends or social life.

Probably because you never take your shirt off, Bob!

Oh, Bob.  Poor, hot Bob.  He’s upset that Gabby thought he had an agenda, because he just wanted some friends and to get out of the house.  Gabby says Carlos can go, and then she says, “Oh, and if you ever feel the need to ‘flip’ some guy on the Lane, I’d start with Tom Scavo.  I always felt he was three beers away.”  Bob: “Pfft.  Two!”  You know what?  I agree.  I mean, now that Orson’s left.  That dude was half a white wine spritzer away from flipping.

Lynette comes back from the client dinner thing, and tells Susan that they landed the account.  She asks Susan if she’s okay with the nanny arrangement, cuz she seems kind of weird and angry.  Susan says that she’s angry because she got “the wrong job.”  She goes on to tell Lynette that she thought she was getting a job with them as an interior designer — again, I honestly think they should add Susan since she has an art degree and illustrated children’s books a million years ago when the show honored continuity.  And not a job as a nanny.  Lynette feels horrible, but she had no idea.  Susan says she loves Lynette for the offer, but she hates her too because she can’t turn down the job, and now she’s “the poor one” out of all their friends.  Lynette says that their friendship will never change, and they hug, and it’s really sweet.  And in good ole fun Lynette style, she’s all, “I’ve never said this to a nanny before, how about we go downstairs and get a little drunk.”  Hee.

Back at Paul’s house, Beth’s in a skimpy nightie and tells Paul that she wants to bump uglies again.  Paul says she’s the perfect wife, but she still wonders why he won’t trust her with his motives.  Paul says it’s for her own good, but Beth tells him that she already found out from Yeager.  Paul’s surprised, and Beth tells him that she was shocked by his plan, and Paul says he despises everyone on the Lane and he needs to enact revenge and make them suffer.  Beth says she totally understands.

“But I don’t understand what a rusty trombone is, so that’ll have to wait until the weekend.”

Bree is sitting on her stairway when Keith walks in.  She apologizes for leaving the dinner and Keith asks her about menopause.  She was afraid to tell him, but Keith says he doesn’t care about that kind of stuff.  Bree says that they were expiration-dating (thanks, Carrie Bradshaw!) and that things may have to end.  Keith says the sterile thing doesn’t bother him, that they can adopt, but Bree’s like, Ohhhhhh yeah, well I don’t want more kids, like AT ALL.  She says that she’s already done that, and even though it was great, that part of her life, much like menstruating, is over.  She tells Keith that she doesn’t want him to have to give up fatherhood, and Keith sort of freaks out and says it’s too soon to talk about kids anyway.  He just wants them to keep being happy.  Bree starts crying and give him a hug.  So, they broke up?  Or not?  This isn’t very conclusive.

Gabby shows up at Bob’s and tells him that she doesn’t think Carlos should go with him on his trip — there’s someone else she thinks should go with him.  And this person?  Lee.  Gabby tells them to get back together, because they’ve both been miserable without each other, and Bob needs someone to love, not play golf with.  Bob says that he still loves Lee, but they have huge issues.  Gabby says that she’ll leave them alone to talk things out, and she leaves.  But she forgot to tell them something, and when she comes back:

Hell yeah!

It would have been better if Lee was replaced with Mike, or Carlos.  Or, you know, ME.  Or all four of us . . .  But I’ll take it.  Gabby leaves, and falls flat on her face on the ground outside, which sloppily leads us into Mary Alice’s monologue about humiliation.  There are all sorts of ways to be humiliated, but the “surest way to get your dignity back is to get what you’ve been waiting for.”  And what have we been waiting for, as we see Beth entering a jail?  What have we been waiting for as we see Beth on a prison phone, telling someone that Paul told her everything?  Well, to put it plainly, we’ve been waiting for this:

Booyah!  Nine Fingered Felicia!

She says she so proud of Beth, and Beth’s all, “Thank you, Mama!”  Yup.  We guessed it.  We totally, totally guessed it.  But you know what?  It was still kind of satisfying.  Kind of.

Next Week:  Thanksgiving!  Keith’s parents are at Bree’s, and Grace’s parents may get deported.  Also, stuffing and potatoes.  And possibly yams.