This week on Desperate Housewives: Susan gives Tom an ultimatum regarding the Renee affair. Bree and Keith move in together, and then break up. Yes, AGAIN. Gabby’s still crying over the loss of Grace, since now she’s stuck with The Disappointment (a.k.a. Juanita). Lynette is gung ho about organizing a protest against Paul’s halfway house. Which kind of blows up in her face when people freak the eff out and a riot starts.
And Susan picks the absolute worst place to take a nap.
Mary Alice blahs about how we can recognize the “wrong kind of people,” as criminals make their way into Paul’s house. We can tell they’re criminals because they have long hair and tattoos. Really, Desperate Housewives? Really? Because, in my experience, having long hair and tattoos doesn’t make someone a criminal. It makes someone a dork who plays World of Warcraft while simultaneously shopping for samurai swords on eBay. Or a hippie. A dirty, filthy hippie. Lynette meanders over to Paul and tells him that he shouldn’t waste his time because the vote’s tonight, and there’s no way in hell that the people of Wisteria Lane would ever EVER vote to help the less fortunate. So the four gals get together and say that they have to make sure that Paul’s social justice plan never comes to fruition. Lynette says that she loves “this neighborhood” and doesn’t want to see it change.
“I love the suicides, the kid chained up in the basement, the rapist, that pedophile, arson, multiple shootings, multiple murders, statutory rape, adultery, kidnappings, blackmail, threats . . . but I draw the line at halfway houses that give people second chances!”
Mary Alice says that Paul doesn’t care about what the neighbors might have planned, but he should . . .
. . . because someone has a picnic blanket!
Oh, and a gun, a gun. Someone has a gun. Credits.
It’s just before sunrise, and a cab shows up at Mitzi’s house, and she gets into it. Mary Alice says that when people find out she left, there’s going to be a lot of mishegoss. And apparently, Keith thinks that 5am is the best time to propose to Bree. Again. Bree opens her door an hour later to find Keith on one knee, saying that he doesn’t want her to have to wake up without him again. If someone proposed to me at 6 in the morning, my reply would be something like, “No, just . . . just no. Now go get me a bacon egg and cheese biscuit and a large mocha.” Before Keith can get the proposal out, Bree tells Keith that it’s too soon to be talking about getting married, but she does have another proposal for him.
“Will you do me the honor of signing my copy of your rap album, ‘One Stop Carnival’?”
She says that she loves him, and she wants him to move in with her.
So, I guess Andrew lives on Wisteria Lane too, because Lynette’s at his house, asking him to vote against Paul. When she’s done, some shady dude comes up to her. I guess that someone wanted to open up a drug rehab center in his neighborhood, but they put the kibosh on that. Sure, the guy who wanted to open it got the shit kicked out of him, but hey — people have to understand that helping people is not cool. Not cool! He says that he’s got Lynette’s back if she needs more people, but she says she has it under control.
Susan and Mike are skype-ing. I don’t know why Mike has his shirt on. Susan’s telling him about what Renee said last week about Tom. He tells her not to tell Tom, to just wait and see what happens.
Gabby’s in the bathroom, crying about Grace, when Juanita comes in and asks her why she’s crying, and of course Gabby won’t tell her the real reason.
“I, um, uh, I have diarrhea! Horrible, horrible, crippling diarrhea!”
Juanita asks her if she’s sad because Grace left, because that’s the day she started crying. Gabby says that she got close to Grace’s family, and that’s why she’s been upset. Then she yells at Juanita and tells her never to play in her bedroom again. Atta girl, Gabby! Direct your anger at your child, where it belongs!
Lynette knocks on Mitzi’s door, but of course no one’s there. She spies Lee, and goes over to him to ask if he knows where Mitzi is, since he and Paul probably bought her house and then “hid” her somewhere. Lee tells Lynette that he had no idea what Paul was up to, and Lynette’s like, You didn’t wonder when he started buying all the houses on the street? Lynette says that if Paul finds a way to open up his halfway house, then no one on the Lane will ever forgive Lee. Paul sees all this from his house and gives Lee a call on the phone, telling him that he feels bad about what’s happening and has a proposition for Lee.
“Fine, mutual handy j’s, but THAT’S IT!”
Paul tells Lee that Mitzi agreed to sell her house to him, and she decided to leave for a while. Paul says that he has a suggestion for Lee, and Lee should listen to him.
Gabby goes over to Lynette’s house — who’s making a last-ditch effort to get Mitzi on the phone — to talk. Lynette’s not really in the mood for a gab sesh, but Gabby says that she can only talk to Lynette. Why? Because Lynette’s the only one she knows who’s lost a child. Um, what about Bree? She lost Andrew when she dropped his gay ass off in the middle of nowhere. Also, Grace left for Texas or Mexico. Lynette’s baby DIED. Like, in her womb. So . . . not really the same thing. Gabby says she can’t stop crying. Lynette says she felt the same way, and she went to a therapist, which helped. The therapist suggested that Lynette write a letter, but not send it. Which, again, makes sense since Lynette couldn’t mail her letter to HER DEAD BABY. The difference? Gabby actually COULD mail her letter to Grace, since Grace is STILL FREAKING ALIVE. Whatever. Gabby starts to write the letter to Grace in her bedroom, when Carlos calls her away to look for his keys. Ah, but who was hiding under mommy’s bed? Li’l Juannie Sue, who climbs out and finds the letter. Ay, dios mio.
Keith’s dad, Richard, is still living with Keith — and what the crap happened to Keith’s roommate? I mean, why even bother giving us that 5 seconds of plot if we’re never going to see her again? I’d even take something like, “She’s a flight attendant so she’s never here.” Or, “She got kicked in the head by a horse and died a week later.” Lame. Richard’s surprised to hear that Keith is moving in with Bree, especially since Richard has had Bree-Boner ever since he first laid eyes on her. Keith tells his dad that she didn’t want to get married, so this is a compromise. Richard tells Keith that he hopes that Bree’s not just looking at this whole thing as something fun, and maybe she’s not willing to commit. Keith says that Bree loves him.
Did you know John Schneider has had 7 top 10 country hits? Including the WTF-ishly titled “What’s a Memory Like You (Doin’ In a Love Like This)?”
Seriously. What the hell does that even mean? Anyway, it’s time for the homeowners’ meeting. Sadly, Mr. Oddly-Proportioned Yellow Sweater Man isn’t here this week. They’re still waiting for Mitzi, and Paul says he has an announcement: The mayor of Fairview will be around on Friday to present Paul with some humanitarian award for the halfway house . . . since he has all the votes he needs to open the house.
Here’s the interesting part: Bob and Lee sold their house! Bob’s going over the paperwork, while Lee says that they never should have sold their house. Bob says that Mitzi sold her house — Paul told him over the phone, remember? — so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, and everyone would have taken their anger out on him. But then, Mitzi shows back up! Bob and Lee walk up to her, and she tells them that she got a call from some guy saying that he had a job for her in The City, put her up in a nice hotel, but the guy never showed up. Mitzi never sold her house! She’s all, “Please! I’m not going to screw over my neighbors!” Oh no! Paul royally screwed Lee! And not in the good, sexy way! Apparently, Paul told the people at the meeting that Bob and Lee sold their house, and so Lynette shows up with her posse, all lookin’ like they’s gonna give a big ole gay smackdown.
Lynette and the rest of Wisteria Lane film their “It Gets Better” video.
And Lee ruins a perfectly good pair of pants.
Doesn’t Lee look like Benjamin Linus in that pic? Over at Lynette’s, Susan’s nursing Paige — with a bottle, pervs. Renee runs over and is all, “What’s happening to this neighborhood? Some van just pulled up and these creepy characters are getting out!” Tom: “That is a school bus, Renee. Those are children.” Hee. More Renee, please! Renee asks Tom to come over and put a dead bolt on her door. While she’s in the shower. And she’ll leave the key under the door mat. Susan tells Tom about how Renee got drunk and told her all about this fling she had with this guy 20 years ago . . . and his name was Tom Scavo. He tells Susan that it happened before he and Lynette were married and it meant nothing. Susan says that it still means something to Renee, and now she’s in a weird position since she’s Lynette’s friend. Tom says that he doesn’t feel anything for Renee, but Susan says that Renee’s living here and there will always be that temptation, so maybe he should ask her to leave.
Bree’s made some room for Keith in her house. But has she made room for him in her heart? And don’t those two sentences sound like the promo for some horrible Lifetime movie starring Joanna Garcia?
Watch out Kellie Martin, Tracey Gold, and possibly Meredith Baxter-Birney — There’s a new girl in town!
Keith asks Bree to go ahead and wear the engagement ring — “Since marriage is where we’re heading, what’s the harm?” Um, there’s a crap ton of harm there, bud. Bree says that they’re not there yet. Keith says he needs a bigger commitment, Bree says she’s not ready, and Keith says that he doesn’t want to wake up one day and find out that all he was was a “diversion.” Bree says if that’s how he feels then why is he here? And then Keith says that he thinks the two of them together is a mistake, and then he leaves. So, Keith and Bree break up AGAIN. Geez. They make Ross and Rachel look stable . . . but just as annoying.
Lynette’s telling Shady Guy that she wishes that she’d been nicer to Paul, but she doesn’t want him to destroy her street. He tells her that they’ll “stop this son of a bitch. That’s a promise.” Oh, dip!
It’s the day of the protest, and everyone’s making signs. Parker — how cute is Parker Scavo? He’s adorable! — asks his mom what happens to the criminals if they can’t stay here? She says they’ll go back to where they came from or to another house in another neighborhood. Parker: “But what if another neighborhood doesn’t want them either? I mean, if they’ve done their time, and they need a second chance, wouldn’t it be better if it was in a nice neighborhood?” Lynette says that they have to think about their neighborhood and their children. Parker: “And ourselves?” Oh, snap! Lynette says that some of them may have good intentions, but some of them could still be “really bad guys.” Parker: “But if we don’t try to help them, are we so sure we’re the good guys?” Hells yeah, Parker Scavo!
The face of reason. And adorable-ness!
Seriously, if I was in high school in Fairview, I would have SUCH a crush on Parker Scavo. Meanwhile, Richard goes over to Bree’s house. I guess Keith told him what happened, and he came over to finish Keith’s work in the backyard. And also slip her the peen when she’s not looking.
The mayor arrives to give Paul his humanitarian award. The mayor’s aide tells them that the media will be there later along with some of the mayor’s supporters.
While Paul gives the mayor a tour of the facility, Bree’s making Richard some fresh-squeezed lemonade. She hears someone in the living room, and it turns out that he’s one of the ex-cons looking for the halfway house. Bree tells him that it’s the house next door, and he’s all, “I’m in no hurry.” Ew. Richard comes in and the guy tells him that he made a mistake and it won’t happen again. Bree is shaken, and Richard takes this opportunity to comfort her.
“Mmmm your hair smells like conservative values.”
Bree’s a little off-put, because he’s Keith’s dad. And also because she has a rager poking her in the back. Richard says he made a mistake, that he’s sorry, and he’ll just stick to the backyard. She tells Richard that he needs to leave, and he’s all, “I will leave when I’m finished.” So now Richard’s evil? Whatever.
The mayor’s supporters show up with their signs of mayoral support. And then the Shady Dude shows up with the Shady Dude Gang.
Oh yeah. This seems a LOT better than a dozen ex-cons.
There’s like a 30 second non-stop parade of pretty much every single person in Fairview showing up to protest either the halfway house or the mayor or for ABC to just pull the plug on this show already. And then the Shady Dude Gang pulls out some baseball bats. Unless you’re going to use those on Marc Cherry, put those away, people! I kid, I kid, I don’t advocate violence against Marc Cherry. Unless it’s verbal. Then we’re fine.
Lynette tells people that once she gives the signal, everyone should start chanting. Ah, protesting. This reminds of the time I protested back in high school. You see, they found oil beneath our high school, and at first I was totally pumped. But then some of the animals we were taking care of for our biology class got, like, oil all over them! And one of them was a cute little duck! So a couple friends and I made a crappy homemade oil drill, chained ourselves to it, and yelled “Stop the drilling! Stop the oil!” over and over again.
I looked a lot like Jessie Spano in high school.
Don’t get me started on the time I got hooked on caffeine pills. It got me so excited. So excited. So . . . scared. Anyhoozlebees, the entire town of Fairview was preparing to protest something.
Seriously? WTF? Is Sarah Palin signing books or something? Geez.
Oooookey dokey, folks. So, a lot of shit goes down from here on out and it happens very quickly, so I’m going to finish my cherry vodka and diet Squirt (shut up), pour myself another one, hunker down, and recap as best as I can. Tom goes over to Renee’s house and says that they need to talk — NOW. Oh, dip.
The mayor starts to give his speech to at least 85 million people, and Beth asks Paul where all the people came from. Paul says things are about to get very interesting. FINALLY. Thank you, Paul.
Renee asks Tom how Susan found out, and Tom says that Susan thinks Renee still has feelings for him. Tom says that Lynette won’t find out, but Susan had a different suggestion, a “good one,” Tom says.
Gabby tells Juanita that she’s going to watch the protest, and then yells at Juanita to look after her sister and not to eat the cookies because they’re for after dinner. Way to compensate for the loss of your real child by treating your other kid like shit, Gabby. Juanita has the letter that Gabby wrote to Grace, and when Gabby’s done crapping her pants, she tells Juanita that the letter doesn’t mean anything, and then Juanita says that she knows that Grace is Gabby’s real child, and Juanita is all, “You love Grace more than you love me.”
“Oh, Juanita, sweetie, look at me. Look at me. Kind of.”
Gabby says that she loves Juanita a lot, and Juanita pushes her down and towers over her all, “You’re not my mommy.”
“I’M the mommy now, bitch.”
Then Juanita runs out into the crowd on Wisteria Lane, which now officially has more people than the entire country of India. The mayor stands up to give his speech, and that’s the signal for Lynette and her crew to start chanting “Save our street! Save our street!” The mayor looks at his aide, and the aide’s all,
“Duuuuhhhh, I dunno, Boss!”
Save our streets! Save our streets! The mayor tries to give his speech. Meanwhile, Bob and Lee are getting ready to leave. Lee packs a gun. And then Renee joins the protest outside, finds Susan, and confronts her about her plan for Renee to leave Wisteria Lane. She tells Susan that’s not gonna happen. Susan’s like, You’re gonna live 2 houses down from a man that you still love? Susan says she’s not gonna stand by and watch Renee destroy Lynette’s marriage. Yeah, Renee! Lynette doesn’t need any help! She’s been destroying her own marriage for years just fine on her own!
Keith shows up to ask his dad how he did “taking care of” Bree’s “backyard.” If you know what I’m talking about. Also, Keith’s wearing a wife beater.
Isn’t it great how his shirt shows off all his tatt — Oh, dear. Oooohhhh, dear. This does not bode well.
Keith goes inside to see how Bree’s doing.
“Well, I was almost raped by an ex-con, and then I was almost raped by your freaking dad, so I’m gonna go ahead and call this day a big pile of dog turds.”
Bree says that Keith needs to know something . . .
More of this: Save our streets! Save our Streets!
The mayor’s still trying to give his speech, and he introduces Paul Young, and everyone boos. Gabby runs up to Carlos and tells him that Juanita ran out into the crowd. Last year she almost got hit by a freaking plane. What the hell is it with Juanita and disaster episodes? What’s gonna happen next year? Is she going to be dragged off by a grizzly bear? Bob and Lee are leaving and Lee wants to go back inside for some record of Judy Garland or something. Oh, those gays! They get into their car, and it turns out Juanita’s in the back seat! But she doesn’t reveal herself to Bob and Lee. Yet.
Richard’s trying to get out of the Lane, but he can’t because everyone in town is blocking his way. Oh, and also Keith grabs him out of his car and begins beating the shit out of him. Which, given that he has tattoos isn’t a good thing. Sure enough, the Shady Dude Gang sees this and thinks that Keith is an ex-con, and so they start beating the shit out of Keith.
“This is for that lame-ass rap album, you stupid d-bag!!”
Bree tries to stop it, but she gets knocked down in the fray. She runs inside. Other members of the Shady Dude Gang start throwing apples at the mayor and Paul. Renee tries to convince Susan that she shouldn’t tell Lynette about her affair with Tom and that she’s not moving away. And of course Bree comes back out with a gun and shoots it in the air. And of course people panic like hell and then start running everywhere.
“What? You guys, don’t run! It’s just a gun! They go off all the time here! At least 3 times a season! It’s not a big deal!”
Yeah, so all the white people get crushed by all the other white people running the other direction. Renee sees Susan getting crushed by a lot of people, but is powerless to stop her. And then apparently there’s so many people that they break through someone’s gate.
The crowd panicked as the Giant Marc Cherry roared, “MORE HOSTESS FRUIT PIES!”
Susan gets trampled on a lot, and while the dramatic music tells me that this is supposed to be serious, I mostly find it hilarious. Bob and Lee are still in their car, and decide to go back in the house. Juanita then pipes up and is all, “Please don’t leave me.”
People are FUH-REAKING out, y’all. The Shady Dude Gang grab their bats — because THAT’S gonna help — and get ready to pummel some people. Lynette’s all, Oh you guys this isn’t what I meant! Lynette, did you not see how shady Shady Dude actually is? Did you not notice that? Did you not? Notice that? McCluskey’s on the ground and Lynette picks her up. I thought about doing an “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” joke, you know, kind of a throwback to that 80s commercial, but then I thought, who’s that for? The Shady Dude Gang take their bats and smash stuff at the halfway house.
Bob and Lee are still trying to get out, and Mitzi’s all, “Hey it’s them, the ones that sold!” And all 85 people around the car instantly know what she’s talking about. Sigh. Okay, I’ll go along with it.
“Hey, Jim, why are we doing this again?” “I have no idea. I just showed up to support the mayor.” “Oh, well. Smashy smashy!”
And so, the once sane citizens of Fairview begin rocking Bob and Lee’s car back and forth. Renee stands on top of a car to see if she can find Susan. Some guy jumps on top of Bob and Lee’s car.
“I NEED A HUG!!!”
Lee goes to the back seat to comfort Juanita.
“Save me, chubby latina girl!”
. . . He’s joined shortly by Bob, and the three of them sit in the back seat, soiling themselves repeatedly. Some guy breaks the back window, and Carlos and Gabby are able to save Juanita. And they run away, doing nothing to help Bob and Lee. Nice, guys. Nice. Lynette runs up to Paul and tells him that this whole mess is his fault, and he’s like, Those people out there are your friends, the good people of Fairview — tell me how they’re better than a bunch of ex-cons. Oooooh, face, Lynette! Face!
Lynette looks around the Lane, and people are beating the crap out of Bob and Lee, and she comes to her senses and comes to their rescue, pulling people off and screaming, “He’s my neighbor!” Aw, what a tender moment . . . brought on by a big ole gay-bashing. Susan’s on the ground, unconscious. Tom and Renee run over to help her. Bree takes Keith back into her house. Carlos and Gabby hug Juanita. Lee tells Lynette thank you.
It’s early morning, and the Lane is dark. Mary Alice is blahing about the riot. Paul walks out and finds his humanitarian medal, picking it up off the ground. Oh, and then he gets shot.
“Tell . . . my wife . . . I want . . . more sex . . . gaaahhhh blargh.”
In a few weeks (January 2nd): Orson’s back! Renee tells Lynette about Tom, and ABC’s trying to hype this Paul thing as Who Shot J.R. 2010.
Happy holidays, everyone! I need the first 3 Harry Potter books in hardcover, in case you were wondering what to get me!