Desperate Housewives: Nun of Your Business!

What up, my adorable Desperate Housewives Gasmii?  It’s time for another episode of our favorite show!  First of all, I want to thank Flipit for doing the About Last Night, since I had guests that arrived at 8:15 and I couldn’t watch the show (I’m in Central Time, which is great, because God meant for prime-time to start at 7pm and for local news to be on at 10pm.  It’s just the way things should be.).  Second of all, the book that my short-short story was published in FINALLY came out, so I’m FINALLY a published author!  In a real book with real pages!  Yay!  All right.  Let’s get this party started.

And by “party,” I obviously mean, “Take off your underwear.”

Lynette is sleeping peacefully in her bed, pleasantly dreaming about yelling at Tom for no reason whatsoever, when Preston (Porter?) wakes her up and asks her if there are any eggs in the house, and wondering where they keep them.  Wow.  What kind of a dumbass doesn’t know where eggs are kept?  This reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Marge and Homer go to that parenting class, and the teacher’s all, “If you leave milk out, it can go bad.  Put it in the fridge, or failing that, put it in a cool, wet sack.”  Maybe all that A.D.D. medication you put them on when they were 6 has had some negative effects.  Oh, wait, you stole all their medication for yourself, didn’t you Lynette, you little suburban junkie?  Porter (Preston?) asks Lynette how to make an omelette and Lynette’s all, “It’ll be easier if I make it for you,” and she seems a little too happy to do this, if you ask me.  But it turns out that Porter and Preston invited some skanks over for some breakfast foods.  Lynette’s not too happy about this.  Or, you know, anything.  Credits.

Mary Alice’s lesson this week is about different ways to say goodbye — like a handshake, or a wave, or a swift kick to the crotch.  That’s how we do it in the Hypnotoad family, at least.  It’s the next morning and Tom and Lynette are kicking Porter and Preston out, since it seems that they’re old enough to live on their own.  Which is true.  They wonder how they’re going to pay for a place, and Tom tells them about this cool thing called a job.  Tom and Lynette agree that they have to push the twins out of the nest before they can fly.

Porter (Preston?) has really nice arms, which clearly intimidates Preston (Porter?), who has decided to cover up his (his?) arms for the entire episode.

Susan’s driving down the road, on the phone with her insurance company, arguing about her dialysis coverage.  And just after she almost runs over a squirrel and spills coffee all over herself, a cop pulls her over for failing to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.  Susan of course rambles on and on about how she’ll be late for dialysis and junk, and the cop lets her off with a warning because he feels sorry for her.  Susan’s all, Very interesting . . .

Wow.  All this time I could have used my kidney failure as an excuse to get out of a ticket, instead of giving angry handy J’s in the back of the squad car.”

Carlos and Gabby are packing for a trip to Gabby’s home town.  She intimates that the people in her small town are hicks, famous only for the “second longest burning tire fire in America.”

You win this round, Springfield . . .

Gabby doesn’t really want to go because her therapist told her to write down how she felt about her stepfather and then to read that letter to him.  On his grave.  Carlos tells her she doesn’t have to do it, but he really wants her to, and so Gabby grudgingly decides that she’ll go.

It’s time for the Worst Road Trip Ever, as Paul and Mike take Zach to rehab.  Zach is all, I don’t need rehab and you can’t make me go.  You can tell Zach needs to go to rehab because he’s totally out of breath:  “Okay . . . I will . . . I promise . . . tomorrow . . . just let me out . . . now.”  And then Zach tries to open the door or something.  Zach says he’s fine and Paul grabs him and is all, Ya straight up shot me, Dawson’s Freak!  They then continue their road trip, probably stopping at the next gas station for a Slim-Jim and a Hostess Fruit Pie.

Keith is throwing around the old baseball with Charlie, because on this show, there’s nothing a kid loves more than totally not playing video games.  Amber pulls up and says they’ve gotta go.  Charlie’s having too much fun . . . but poopy ole Amber says they have to pack since they’re leaving in the morning for Florida.  Keith is a little pissed at Bree for not telling him about Charlie sooner, which Bree totally gets, and then Keith gives the old If-This-Relationship-Is-Going-To-Work-We-Have-To-Trust-Each-Other speech.  Keith’s angry, but mostly at the situation and not Bree, and he knows they’ll get past it.

Susan and M.J. are at the supermarket checkout line and M.J.’s anxious to leave to go home to watch cartoons.  The line is super long, but then Susan remembers what happened with the cop (using dialysis to get out of something) and tells the people in the line that she’s in a hurry for her dialysis.  Of course they let her go first.  Milk it, Susan!  Milk that shriveled kidney for all it’s worth!

Over in Texas (Gabby’s from Texas, right?), Gabby and Carlos arrive at the “small” town.  Look.  I grew up in a town with 1,000 people.  There were 38 in my high school graduating class, and it was one of the largest classes on record at the time.  And in my 18 years of living in Meade, KS, there were NEVER as many people walking on the sidewalk at one time as there are in Gabby’s town right now.  Hollywood always fails to get small towns right, people.  Some lady comes up to them and asks them if they’re lost, and then she’s all, “You’re Gabrielle Marquez!  You’re a supermodel!  Welcome back!”  The lady asks Gabby why she’s back in town, and Gabby stares off into the distance, spotting some scary nun crossing the street.

“I thought I smelled whore.”

Gabby rushes off, saying that they need to check into a hotel.

Keith is just back from the airport, where he had to say goodbye to Amber and Charlie.  He’s all sad because he doesn’t know how he’s going to live without the son that he just found out about 3 days ago.  Keith waxes about how his dad was in the Army and was never around and he doesn’t want to be like that to Charlie.  Okay, well since your dad was in the Army, and um, since that was his, you know, career, I think there’s probably a simple way to avoid that, Keith.  Bree wishes there was something she could do for Keith, but he says there’s nothing she can do.  Nothing?  Not even some creme brulee?  Cuz that would make me feel better.

Preston and Porter are packing their car with their stuff, as they’re moving out.  Tom and Lynette are sad as they drive away . . . to McCluskey’s house across the street.  Hee.  I know that McCluskey has always lived across the street from Lynette, but why does her house look like Betty Applewhite’s old house, with the hanging flowers?  Has her house always looked like this?  I mean, I guess she had to build a new one after the tornado . . . right?  But I didn’t think it looked like that.  Oh, screw it, I’m going to take a shot of vodka and pretend that I don’t care about continuity this week.  Ah.  Much better.  Nothing like $6.99 vodka to make you care less.  And also, gag.  Anyway, Porter and Preston have moved right across the street — apparently they’re McCluskey and Roy’s new tenants.

Over at Renee’s house, Susan’s over for water (I’m assuming she can’t have caffeine?), and she’s on the phone, giving her dialysis as an excuse for jury duty.  They immediately let her off the hook, since the Eagle State jury duty rules are apparently lax and ridiculous.  Renee likey the new Susan because she’s manipulative.  Susan says that she deserves to get out of things, since her kidney looks like that one gross shrivel-y grape in a bunch of grapes and since she has to be hooked up to a machine for hours on end.  Renee wants to go to lunch at some new place where you have to wait hours for a table, and wants Susan to use her dialysis as a way to get a table quickly.

Back in Molestyburg, Texas, Carlos and Gabby head for lunch at probably the only restaurant in town.  Inside the restaurant –

It’s like Applebee’s except with stupid crap on the wall and horrible food.  So, I guess it’s exactly like Applebee’s.

A waitress, with that Generic Southern Accent that actors seem to have in any movie that takes place south of Kansas and west of Utah, is all, Well if it ain’t Gabrielle Marquez!  Turns out everyone in the restaurant wants a picture with Gabby, or an autograph.  Generic Country Fried Waitress says that they named a nacho platter after her.

“It’s called the ‘I Hate My Kids Platter,’ and it comes with a side of superficial curly fries and a milkshake made of ground up Amex cards.”

Gabby says that she just wants some cottage cheese with tomato slices.  I don’t know why I felt the need to recap that sentence, but I did it anyway.  The principal of the school welcomes Gabby back to Las Colinas and tells her that she’s such an inspiration to the young girls of the town and invites her to speak to them.  Gabby’s humbled by how much everyone remembers her.   Carlos says that they’re busy tomorrow and have to leave in the morning, but Gabby says they can change their flight. She then goes back to being an attention whore.  Oh Attention Whore Gabby!  How I’ve missed you!

Oh hey, Beth is back on the show.  I’d kind of forgotten about her.  She’s making dinner when Paul comes in, telling her that Zach made it to rehab.  Beth is glad and talks about how she was excited to go on a romantic trip with him, but since it was canceled, he’s been cold and distant.  Right.  Because Paul was totally Mr. Happy Romantic Pants before that.  Beth wants to go back to how they were.  She misses him, misses being close to him.  Beth hugs him, but something’s odd with Paul’s back . . . OHMIGOD what if Paul has scoliosis?!?  Is that the new mystery?!  Scoliosis!?  Because that would be amazing!  Oh.  No.  It’s just a gun.  Beth’s gun.  Paul took it with him since Zach had a Dawson’s Freak-Out.  Paul’s acting like a suspicious dick.  He asks Beth why she brought a gun into their home.  Um, it’s Wisteria Lane, Paul.  If you don’t have a gun, a shady past, or a mentally handicapped child locked in the basement, the home-owners’ association won’t let you move in.

“I had all three!!”

You sure did, Betty Applewhite.  You sure did.  Beth says that if the gun bothers Paul, then they can get rid of it . . . so she sticks it in a kitchen drawer.  Oh, that should help, Beth.  She asks Paul if he’s upset with her and Paul says he’s got a lot on his mind.  Beth says that the worst is over and now things can be good again.  Paul is all, When someone betrays you, can things ever be good again?  Which is a totally Mary-Alice-voice-over-ish thing to say.

Bree and Keith are in bed, which Keith thinks is a good time to sniff Bree’s hair.

“Mmmmm, you smell like middle-aged desperation.  And also, strawberries.”

Keith says he’s thought of something Bree can do for him:  He can move to Florida with him.  Bree’s like, Wha?!  He wants to be close to Charlie and tells Bree that her kids are grown, so what does she have holding her back?  She has her friends, she says, and “this is home.”  Keith says he can’t move without her because long-distance relationships don’t work.  Well, you guys can Skype, Keith.  Did you think of that?  I don’t think you did.

Gabby’s on the hotel phone with the local paper.  Also, that hotel is way nicer than any small town hotel I’ve ever seen.  Carlos is afraid that Gabby is losing track of why they came back to Childhood Issues Junction.  Gabby says she doesn’t need to go to the graveyard to confront her dead stepfather because coming back and having people validate her is enough for her.

Back to this week’s Plot We Don’t Really Care About, as Lynette and Tom are staring across the street at McCluskey’s house, still pissed that Porter and Preston moved right across the street.  Personally, I don’t see the big deal.  I mean, they’re out of the house, and yet, Lynette can still yell at them and guilt them into doing menial labor for her.  It’s a win-win!  Lynette says that McCluskey can totally “whip them into shape.”  And right on cue, McCluskey calls Lynette and asks her how to make a Denver omelette.  Lynette decides to go over to McC’s to see what’s up.  Turns out, Porter and Preston had their skanks stay overnight, and McC is also doing laundry for them and junk.  Lynette pulls McC aside and tells her that the guys need to learn to fend for themselves, but McC tells her that the boys are “upstanding young men,” and she’ll give them the boot if they act irresponsible.  I thought this would have been a nice time to bring up the fact that McC’s son died at a young age, and this is her way of making up for some of those years.  It would have been a tender moment.  But no.  The writers either don’t want to go there or they forgot about it.  99.99% sure it’s the latter.  Lynette brings up the fact that they had girls overnight; McC doesn’t care because if it gives Roy a boner, then she gets to — okay, you know where I’m going with that, and so does Lynette.

“Okay, just think of something else, something nice.  Like, kicking Tom in the crotch, or yelling at Tom for nothing at all, or kicking Tom in the crotch and then pushing Tom down a flight of stairs.  Aaaah, happy place.”

Over at the Las Colinas catholic school, Gabby tells a group of girls that they shouldn’t do math because it’s hard and gives them frown-y lines.  She has a point.  Then the principal says he has someone who he’d like Gabby to see, and it’s Sister Marta, the nun from before.

“Suck on my cross, bitch.”

Of course, Sister Marta is the evil beyotch that she looks like.  She’s all, “You always did love being the center of attention.”  Oh, hell no, nun!  Carlos is all, “You didn’t look so happy to see her.”  Wow, Carlos, you picked up on that?  You are one intuitive mofo, muchacho.  Gabby looks pissed and says she’ll be right back.

Gabby confronts Sister Marta.

“Remember when you told me you were Maria Von Trapp from ‘The Sound of Music?’”

“I said lots of things, dear.  I was high on meth.  All of us nuns were.  It was kind of our thing.”

“You made me make a dress out of my curtains.  It was hideous.”

“I see some things never change.  Besides, you guys all had a good time!  It was fun!”

“You made me dress up the janitor as my Nazi boyfriend and forced us to sing ‘Sixteen Going On Seventeen!  During mass!’”

“Nazi, schmazi, it built character!”

“You tried to smuggle us across the border in a Honda Civic, and then made us sing ‘Edelweiss’ when we were caught by border patrol!”

“Well, it worked, didn’t it!?  I got across the border!”

“You left us at a detainment center and then spent a week boozing it up in Tampa!”

“That’s a lie!”

“You sent us a postcard!  And photos of you doing body shots off Sister Mary Margaret!”

“Oh, Sister Mary Margaret . . . she always knew where to get the best blow . . .”

I totally wish that’s how it went, but no.  Obviously, Gabby confronts Sister Marta for not believing her when Gabby tried to tell her that her stepfather was assaulting her.  Sister Marta tells Gabby that she’s always had a big imagination from all those “trashy books and magazines” Gabby used to read.

Evidence.

Gabby says that she couldn’t tell her family, but she thought she could trust Sister Marta because she was a teacher and a nun.  Sister Marta told Gabby that she should be ashamed of herself, and now Gabby tells Sister Marta of her therapist’s plan, but she needs to tell Sister Marta instead of her dead stepfather.  She tells Sister Marta that she didn’t deserve what happened to her since she was a child, and since Sister Marta was a grown-up and did nothing, she should be ashamed of herself.  She leaves and tells Carlos that they can go home now.  Good for you, Gabby!

Lynette goes over to McC’s to patch things up with the wonder twins.  She bought them a gift — a keg.     Geez, if my mom bought me a keg when I was 20, I’d be ecstatic.  Hell, if my mom bought me a keg NOW, I’d be ecstatic.  Lynette suggests they throw a party.  Oh, this is going to end badly.  Have you noticed one twin is taller than the other?  I thought they were supposed to be identical.  This is bullshit!

Paul goes to visit Zach at rehab and needs to know why Zach shot him.  Zach says he wanted Paul to die, and he’s always hated Paul.  Paul says that’s not true, and I believe him, since we saw some really cute stuff with toddler Zach in season one.  Zach blahs about how the hate built up and consumed him, and how Paul is evil.  Paul tells Zach he has no idea how he feels and brings up Mary Alice’s death.  Zach says that Paul is the reason that Mary Alice killed herself, and Paul yells that it’s not true.  I’m on Paul’s side here.  Mary Alice is the one that killed Deirdre.  Mary Alice is the one who decided to chop her up and put her in Zach’s toy chest.  So blame Mary Alice.  And Martha Huber.  But not Paul, who used to be, in my opinion, a good guy until his wife shot herself.  God, I miss season one.  Zach says that it’s better that Paul survived the gunshot because hearing the truth is worse.  Zach:  “No one could ever love you.”  Um, I could love Paul, if he’d take his shirt off.

Oh no!  Porter and Preston must have thrown a rager because McCluskey’s house is totally covered in toilet paper!  Yeah, um, doesn’t she like, live there?  So wouldn’t she have known that there were people outside throwing toilet paper on her house?  And, like, people inside partying it up?  Whatever.  More vodka, please!  That’s better.  McC drags them back over to Lynette’s house.  They want breakfast and sleep, but Lynette tells them that they’re going to clean up McC’s house and then they’re going to look for another place to live.  Porter (Preston?): “What?  We just got evicted.  And we’re really hung over.  This is not a good time.”  Hee!  Lynette tells them that they’re helpless little kids, and Porter and Preston tell her that she’s always the one who takes over when they want to do something, and she’s basically coddled them their whole lives.  Lynette admits that they’re right and talks about how she wanted them to stay kids for as long as possible, and she grew up having to act like an adult so she wanted her kids to have a childhood, but she let it go on too long.  It’s actually a nice speech. Lynette tells them it’s time for them to live their lives, and then says she’ll teach them to make an omelette.

Bree decides to have a talk with Keith. She tells him that he needs to move to Florida, even though Keith gave her the spiel about long-distance relationships. Bree tells him that one of the relationships (Bree/Keith and Keith/Charlie) won’t make it and it has to be theirs. Keith loves Bree, Bree loves Keith, and Keith says that’s why he won’t go to Florida. Yeah, I wouldn’t go to Florida because of alligators and humidity, but that’s just me. Bree tells Keith that he wanted kids, and now he has one, so he should go already. Bree says that while she has fallen in and out of love with men all her life, she has never fallen out of love with her children, which is actually a really great thing to say. She knows that he’ll find another woman to love. Awwwww.

Emotion!

Bree tells Keith that he’s given so much to her, so “let me give this to you.” Awwww!

More emotion!

Renee and Susan arrive at the fancy restaurant, and when the hostess says that there’s a two hour wait, Susan’s all, I have a dialysis in an hour, so can we please get a table? The hostess is all, “We’re slammed.” Susan: “Just like my kidney.” Hee!

“I also have a wandering spleen. Does that get us free breadsticks?”

The hostess says she’ll see what she can do. Some random guy is all, How come she gets a table when we’ve been waiting forever? Renee plays the dialysis card, but the guy is all, I have diabetes and my wife has arthritis. Again, Susan goes with the dialysis, and the guy says that everybody has something (Random Woman: “I have restless leg syndrome!” Hee!), so they should STFU and go to the back of the line. The hostess agrees. Susan starts to not feel well and sits down. And then she passes out. Renee, being the compassionate person that she is, thinks Susan is just putting on an act. But then she discovers that Susan has actually passed out for reals and yells for someone to call 911. Don’t you love how someone in movies and tv always yells, “Someone call 911!” instead of doing it themselves?

Beth is in the bathroom, drying her hair, and when she comes out, Paul is sitting on the bed next to a suitcase. Beth asks him if he’s going somewhere, and he’s all, “No. You are.” And then he grabs her by the arm and practically drags her down the stairs. He tells her that he knows that she’s Felicia Tillman’s daughter. Beth says she’s sorry, and yeah, she lied, but she grew to love Paul (really? He’s kind of a sourpuss). Paul’s all, “No one could ever love me.” He hands her her gun and then slams the door in her face. Harsh, Paul. Harsh.

Mary Alice says leaving is never easy, but we have to move on. Get it? Cuz the Scavo twins are moving, Gabby’s moving on, and Keith’s moving to Florida. How clever, Mary Alice! She says leaving is especially hard for those who have nowhere to go.

“I just remembered I was in Carrie 2: The Rage!”

My predictions for the rest of the season: Beth will die, Paul will die (Susan will get one of their kidneys) and Mary Alice’s On Screen Episode this year will be flashbacks to her life with Paul just as Paul’s about to die, American Beauty-style.

Next Week: Oscar time! So this show ain’t on. The only Oscar movie I’ve seen is Black Swan, and James Franco annoys the shit out of me, so I could really not care less about the show this year. So come back in a couple weeks for a brand new Desperate Housewives!