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Tonight on Desperate Housewives: John Paul Bullock III shows us why he’s only written one other episode of this show, because this one? Oy. Lynette finally finds out about Renee’s affair with Tom; Bree has an unexpected house guest; Susan deals with some heavy medical stuff; and Gabby buys a doll. Seriously.
Before we get started, one thing: I made a comment on the latest recap a couple days ago, but in case a lot of you didn’t see it, I’d like to make it again. I’ve been watching season 2, and Gabby has a miscarriage early on. And she went to Lynette and asked for advice on how to deal with a lost child during the last episode, because Lynette was the “only one” she knew who’d lost a baby. How much bullcrap is that?! Now, I know that I didn’t even remember that until I watched season 2 again, but still. Shouldn’t there be SOMEONE in the writer’s room who has to check Wikipedia once in a while? Damn. Okay. Let’s get to the recap.
It’s the day after the riot, and the EMT peeps cart Paul off to the hospital as detectives ask the residents if they know anything about Paul’s shooting. And basically everyone says that they don’t know who did it, but they’re glad he got shot. Meanwhile, Beth goes over to the hoosegow to see her mama Felicia, who says that she had nothing to do with Paul’s death. She says that she hates him with a passion, but if she killed him, then she’d never know what really happened to her sister. Martha Huber. In case you didn’t know that. Beth doesn’t believe her and leaves, and Felicia takes this opportunity to ask one of the prison guards for a clean cell phone, which the guard can get. For a price. And we all know what that means, right?
These two. Doin’ it. You’re welcome for that.
After Felicia’s jaw has had time to recover, she makes a phone call to someone, telling the person that he’s been a “naughty boy” and that he changed his mind about her proposal. And then it’s revealed that the person on the other end is none other than . . .
Oh my god!!!!
No, sorry. Actually, it’s more like:
Yay! Mike’s not in Alaska anymore! Everybody take off your shirts! And by “everybody” I mean “just Mike.”
Or was he EVER in Alaska, I wonder? Curiouser and curiouser. He tells Felicia that he can’t talk right now, and then he walks out of the diner, without paying for his breakfast.
Mary Alice tells us that life returns to normal the day after horrible things happen.
Mothers go back to pretending to love their fake chubby kids.
As everyone heads out to their daily routines, Susan’s in the hospital. Her doctor tells her that he had to take out one of her kidneys. She could totally use her other one . . . except that it’s deformed and running at 5%. Is Susan the go-to housewife for anything hospital-related? First the wandering spleen and now this? Sheesh. The doc says that she’ll need a shunt and a transplant. Yeowza. He hands her a pamphlet to help her through this rough time.
“So You’ve Been Trampled On By People Fleeing a Riot in a Mediocre Episode of a Mediocre Season of a Hit ABC Television Show and Now Your Only Kidney Isn’t Functioning Properly.”
Gabby takes Juanita to Miss Charlotte’s Doll Academy, a.k.a. The Creepiest Store in the Universe, where she asks Miss Charlotte for a doll. Miss Charlotte says that she doesn’t sell dolls, she sells her “friends” to little “mommies.” Why the hell she named her store the DOLL ACADEMY if she’s not going to call them that is beyond me. Gabby wants Juannie Sue to have a special “friend” since her birthday is coming up. Miss Charlotte comes up with a special doll that’s a princess or duchess or lady or something, I don’t know.
“She wants you to put her on a shelf over your bed so she can come to life every night and try to eat your soul with her terrifying non-blinking soul-sucking eyes. Also, she comes with a free hat!”
Juanita’s totally sold. Gabby gets her phone out to take a pic of Juanita and Li’l Miss Soul Sucker, but there’s a conveniently placed photo of Grace on her phone. Juanita sees this and freaks the eff out and hightails it out of Nightmares R’ Us, leaving the “friend” on the counter.
“What’s that you say, Lady Suckingtonshire? I need to cleanse all the children of this town with fire? Done and done.”
Renee comes to visit Susan in the hospital, and tells her that she has a kidney to give her. Susan tells her to relax because she’s not going to tell Lynette about Renee and Tom. But she does tell Renee that her telling Lynette is the right thing to do. Later that day, Tom runs into Renee and tells him that Susan won’t tell Lynette. Renee says that if she doesn’t tell Lynette about what happened between them, then their friendship isn’t real. Tom isn’t convinced.
Over at Bree’s yard, Keith is busy with some shit. And yes, I could be talking about the script for this episode, but for once I’m being literal: Keith’s putting fertilizer (steer manure, to be precise) into Bree’s flower beds. Bree comes out with a cold root beer because she’s SOBER AND DON’T YOU FORGET IT. Seriously. Why are they beating us over the head with that this season? She’s been sober for 5 years — 10 if you want to be technical, but I’m pretending the whole 5 year leap didn’t happen, because it makes my life easier. We get it, Cherry: Bree. Doesn’t. Drink. Any. More. Bree drinks her ROOT BEER straight out of the bottle, because she’s all changed and sloppy now. Bree’s unpacked some of Keith’s stuff already (Bree: “On a sad note, your bean bag chair accidentally ripped when I stuck a knife on it and stuffed it in the trash.” Hee.) Bree says that she’s glad Keith is in her house. And vagina. Keith’s about to kiss Bree when the doorbell rings. Bree opens the door to her Mystery Date and –
Shut the hell up!!!!!
Wait, no. Sorry. I really mean this:
“I rolled myself over 25 miles just to see you. Also, I pooped myself.”
Orson! Shut the front door! He says that Judy left him and he needs somewhere to stay. Say what?! Bree invites him in and tells him that he can stay with them until he gets back on his feet, ooohhh that was an inappropriate phrase to use. Sorry Orson. Keith asks how long he’ll be staying, and Orson tells Keith that he smells like shit. Basically. Keith goes up to shower and Orson infers that Keith is nothing but a rebound twink. Bree says that she and Keith have a lot in common and that he’s a keeper. Bree tells Orson that she’s changed, and Keith has been a major proponent of that change. Along with menopause. Keith sees Orson stroke Bree’s cheek and tell her that she never needed to change.
Carlos and Gabby are waiting for Juanita to get out of her therapy session. After she’s done, the therapist invites them in for a talk. She tells them that Juanita doesn’t love her real birth parents, so she’s confused as to why Gabby loves Grace. The therapist tells them they need to cut Grace out of their lives, which includes photos, etc. Carlos says that they’ll of course be doing that, while Gabby quietly poops her pants. Why am I going all scatological on this recap? Why am I going there? Who’s that for? Huh?
Back at the hospital, the detectives are telling Paul that pretty much everyone on Wisteria Lane wanted him dead. They all have alibis, though. They start to ask Beth some questions, but Paul tells them she’s the only one that he can trust. Or can he?! No. He can’t. And you should have known that. They ask if there’s anyone else who would want to harm him, and he says no. They ask Beth the same question and she lies and says no.
“Nope. No one. Not one gosh darn person. There’s no one, especially not anyone who’s related to me. No sir. No sireebob. Excuse me, I need to leave because I’ve just soiled myself.”
Oh yeah. I went there. Again. The detectives don’t believe her.
At Gabby’s house, she’s putting away some clothes in her closet, when Carlos discovers a photo of Grace. Gabby wants to hide it in the closet, but Carlos tells her that she has to destroy it. Carlos yells at Gabby, which is weird, because Carlos never does that. Especially not once an episode. At least. He tells her that Juanita is in pain because of Gabby, so she needs to step up and be a good mother.
Mike visits Susan in the hospital, and she’s overjoyed to see him. Pants-poopingly overjoyed, you ask? Possibly. Possibly. Susan tells Mike that she’s not doing dialysis, because it takes up a lot of time and she’s got a job and a kid to raise. You know what takes up even more time, Susan? Death. So, chew on that for a little bit. I’m gonna take a second to say that the writers have really piled on a lot of bad shit for Susan lately. I mean, she’s dirt poor, Mike goes to Alaska, and now on top of that she could possibly die. And I’m sure she doesn’t have health insurance, so how is she going to pay for all of this surgery and dialysis? And is it just me or is this episode of Desperate Housewives the most depressing episode of all time? It’s like it was written by Debbie Downer and directed by Sylvia Plath. Geez. Anyway, Susan says she’s looking into alternative therapies.
Holistic Therapies — In those brief few weeks before logic finally kicks in, we’ll be there.
Nothing makes kidney function improve by 95% like a diet of acai berries and fish oil. Susan hugs Mike, but he doesn’t seem 100% sold on Susan’s idea. Also, James Denton looks kind of haggard in this episode. I mean, hell yeah, I’d still do him, but he’s looking kind of . . . old-ish.
Renee and Lynette are pitching their design ideas for a client. This client owns a hotel. That’s what they’re designing — a hotel. After about 3 weeks as a brand new company with no prior design backgrounds, they’re designing a hotel. Personally, I would have chosen a designer with a little more experience and business acumen.
And the ever-impressive cow skirt.
How freaking lovely and amazing is Debra Messing? Oh! How I would love for her to join this show! How awesome would she be on Desperate Housewives?! All right. Back to the recap. The client loves the designs and loves how in synch Renee and Lynette are. Lynette says it’s because they’ve been best friends for 25 years. Which totally explains why we hadn’t even heard of Renee until season 6. Perfectly reasonable. This gives Renee some major sad face. Cuz she boned Tom and junk. Lynette leaves to get some water because the waiter is neglectful and Lynette is pro-active. She comes back with not only some water, but also some oatmeal raisin cookies that she found. Just, you know, lying around. Did Lynette just go back to the restaurant’s kitchen and help herself to some dessert? That’s not pro-active, that’s just bitchy. I guess oatmeal raisin cookies are Renee’s favorite. This sets Renee off and she starts crying hysterically. Lynette tells the client lady to take the plans home and they’ll give her a call later. Renee finally tells Lynette that she slept with Tom 20 years ago. Renee tells Lynette that it happened “that weekend [Lynette] went to visit her parents.” Oh, THAT weekend. Yeah, that’s very specific. Because Lynette only visited her parents that one time 20 years ago. Renee says it meant nothing, but she’s been feeling guilty ever since she moved to Fairview. Lynette says that she and Tom were engaged then, but Renee says that they were broken up that week. Lynette says that she can’t be in the same room with Renee and she leaves . . . but then she comes back, all, “But you are my ride, so let’s go.” Hee. How pretty does Felicity Huffman look in this scene? So pretty.
On the car ride home, Renee tries to apologize again, but Lynette tells her to shut up. Repeatedly. She says that she hates Renee, but someday she’ll hate her less. She asks Renee not to tell Tom that they had this conversation, but won’t give her a reason why. Lynette stares out the window, deep in thought.
“I wonder how much longer Renee can politely ignore my heinous farts . . .”
I’ve moved on to farts. It’s still scatological-esque, but it’s much more high-brow than poop jokes. Time for Juanita’s birthday party! Gabby doesn’t even sing the happy birthday song when Carlos brings out the cake, nor is she even in the vicinity of Juanita when she’s blowing out her candles. That’s kind of not cool, Gabby. Celia comes up and asks for cake. Cuz she’s fat and fat kids like, nay LOVE, cake. Some lady says that Celia is adorable and asks Gabby if she has any other kids beside her daughters. Gabby says she doesn’t have any other kids.
“I think had a miscarriage back in season 2, but the writers told me to conveniently forget about it.”
Tom comes home and tells Lynette that he had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Lynette tells him that they landed the client, thanks to Renee, who Lynette says is an “amazing woman.” She hands Tom some hot cocoa and says it might be a little cold, but it’s not — Tom burns his tongue on it because it’s scalding. And Lynette just smiles to herself. Oh, no. No no no no no. Cherry, no. We like Lynette now. We do. We like Lynette when she’s bitchy and cynical, but not when she’s a vindictive shrew, and especially not when she’s a vindictive shrew to Tom specifically. Cherry, DO NOT make us hate Lynette again. Do not go down that road, or we will never forgive you. Never. Can we please just skip to the inevitable fight between Tom and Lynette that ends with Lynette revealing her true feelings while shouting and crying while Tom apologizes softly, tells Lynette she’s right, and says he’ll never keep secrets from her again?
Bree made coq au vin for dinner. I didn’t even have to google that to spell it, people. That’s how sophisticated I am. Kind of puts all my poop jokes in a different light, doesn’t it? Anyway. As was to be expected, Orson and Keith trade some barbs, because Orson is a pretentious snob and Keith is ignorant of the finer things in life. Orson loves coq au vin, Keith wanted sloppy joes for dinner. Orson quotes Talleyrand, and Keith quotes Yosemite Sam. Orson calls Keith “Stanley Kowalski” because he’s wearing a wife-beater, and Keith thinks “Stanley Kowalski” is a friend of Orson and Bree. And so on. This whole thing culminates in one of the laziest comedy cliches ever: The food fight. Apparently, the writer of this episode thought he was writing an episode of ABC’s TGIF lineup from 1991. Yes, Keith throws mashed potatoes on Orson, Orson throws peas on Keith (peas? Really? They don’t even stain. They just bounce right off. What’s the fun in that?), and I throw any hope for this episode turning into something decent right out the window. Bree leaves in a huff. I hate this scene so much that I’m not even going to dignify it with a screengrab.
Bree goes over to see Judy, Orson’s ex-girlfriend. She tells Judy that she needs to fix things with him, because it’s too difficult having Orson around. Judy’s surprised, because Orson broke up with her and left. Because he’s still in love with Bree. I am shocked . . . that it took this long for this plot point to be revealed.
Back at Miss Charlotte’s House of Nightmares and Tiny Petticoats, Gabby’s made a purchase. And you guys? This, THIS is where this particular episode went from just bad to pretty much complete stinky ass. Because Gabby bought a doll . . . that looks like Grace.
She comes with her own horribly pandering failure of a plot device!
Keith apologizes to Bree about last night’s food fight. Um, Keith, you should be apologizing to us, the viewers. Bree tells him that Orson is still in love with her, and she’ll talk to him about making other arrangements so that he won’t be living with them anymore. Bree confronts Orson about his feelings for her, and he says that if Bree feels nothing for him, he’ll leave. Very slowly. Because he’s in a wheelchair. Bree says that she’ll always have feelings for Orson, but not in the same way she used to, because she’s changed. Thanks to Keith. And the shutting down of her ovaries. But Bree has a softie for Orson, and tells Keith that he should stay for a couple more days. Keith storms out, and he tells Bree that they should break up. Wow, Keith wants to break up with Bree? That never happens. Oh, wait, it totally happens EVERY TIME BRIAN AUSTIN GREEN IS IN AN EPISODE. Ugh! Sorry for the bold all caps, but that’s what this episode has done to me. Bree decides to prove that she loves Keith by wrestling him to the ground in the steer manure fertilizer. Bree is literally rolling around in shit. So, blah blah blah, Bree’s in love and likes to get messy now, and Orson’s sad.
“I honestly can’t think of a better metaphor for this episode, can you?”
M.J. and Mike are visiting Susan in the hospital. After Mike leaves, M.J. says he wants ice cream, and then asks Susan if she might die. So Susan decides to prove that she’s okay and takes M.J. down to the cafeteria for ice cream. Without a wheelchair, as the nurse suggests. This turns out to be a bad idea, because Susan sort of passes out and has a seizure. Later, back in her bed, Susan tells the girls that she’s getting a shunt and going on dialysis and it’ll be 3-5 years until she can get a transplant. Hilarious! This episode is so funny! Susan asks them to help Mike with M.J. if something happens to her. Bree and Gabby say that nothing’s going to happen to her, and she’ll be fine. Lynette, though, says the right thing and tells Susan that they’ll definitely be there to help Mike with M.J. if something happens.
Mike’s on the hoosegow horn with Felicia. He tells her that he didn’t shoot Paul Young, and she’s all, “Then who did?” Meanwhile, the detectives arrive to talk to Paul about his mother-in-law. They give him the news that Felicia Tilman is Beth’s mom. Paul lies to the cops and tells them that the past is all behind them now and all is well between the three of them, and he asks them not to let his wife know that they’ve had this conversation. You know, this would be more exciting if the first 39 minutes of this episode hadn’t been more depressing than Keanu Reeves eating a cupcake by himself.
Awwwwwww, sad Keanu.
Well, thank you, John Paul Bullock III for being the mastermind behind the worst episode (so far) of this season of Desperate Housewives. You’ve managed to suck anything remotely joyful out of this series. And you’ve also managed to just plain suck. Ugh. You guys, next week will be better, I promise. Because even though Lynette’s still going to terrorize Tom, Susan’s mom is coming back! Yay! I was JUST telling Flipit that I miss Lesley Ann Warren in this show! Also, someone shocking and unexpected shows up!