Desperate Housewives Recap

Did you guys see that weird K-Mart ad about Desperate Housewives?  It was so unexpected and weird.  Although MUCH better than those stupid Blackberry mini-episode-ads they had during season 6.  That was totally lame-sauce.

Mary Alice waxes on about Bree always staying in control.  She fails to mention that it’s probably because her b-hole is clinched tighter than Richard Gere’s at a gerbil farm.  As the ladies (minus Susan) are driving home from the digging-up-Alejandro incident, Bree is the one in control.  Gabby:  “I can’t believe the worst thing that happened tonight was NOT getting to dig up a dead body.”  Hee.  Lynette and Gabby are freaking out but Bree says the cops couldn’t have done it.  Gabby mentions what the note said — without blatantly giving it away to Lynette — and then Bree says that maybe Susan dug him up.  What?  That’s kind of wack, ladies.  But Bree says they need to snoop around and indirectly ask her about it, which the other gals agree is the perfect idea . . . for Bree.  Credits.

Mary Alice waxes on about Lynette and how she’s used to answering uncomfortable questions from her kids.  And by “kids,” I mean Penny, because after years of being Basement Baby, she is now Apparently the Only Scavo Child In This Show.  Have we even seen Parker or Paige since the first episode?  I don’t think so.  And what of the twins?  The DH producers don’t care.  It’s your time to shine, Penny Scavo!  Don’t f**k it up.

“Okay, your name is . . . Peggy?  Is that it?  I don’t care.  I’m calling you Peggy.”

So, I guess Only Kid Penny asked Lynette a bunch of awkward questions.  But today’s is a doozy:  “Are dad and Jane going to get married?”  Oh, brother.  Lynette’s like, Just because they like spending time together doesn’t mean they’re going to get married.  Just then, Jane and Tom show up, ready to take Penny to see “Wicked.”  Full disclosure:  I absolutely HATE “Wicked.”  If I hear one more aspiring dipshit sing “Defying Gravity,” I will lose it.  I will absolutely lose it, and I will punch some kid from “Glee” in the boob or crotch.  Because someone needs to be held responsible, and it will also help me channel my hatred of “Glee” into something productive.  Like boob-punching.  Oh, and perfect Jane of course went to high school with with the person playing the wicked witch, so they get to meet her after the show.  And Tom asks Lynette in front of Penny if they can stay out until 11 just so they can meet the wicked witch.  Oh, and Jane has a cute nickname for Penny.  Did I mention that Renee is there?  Because she is, of course, but without her morning white wine spritzer.  After Tom and Co. leave, Renee tells Lynette that it’s time to “fight dirty.”  Lynette ACTUALLY SAYS, “I don’t know how to do that.”  Oh, for f**k’s — Lynette.  You gave chocolate milk to a kid to wean him off his mom’s breast milk to get a daycare center.  You traded your husband’s pot for oregano.  You sued Carlos.  You incited a riot against a pedophile, which resulted in his paraplegic sister’s death.  You threatened the mother of Tom’s daughter, repeatedly.  Shall I go on?  Because, sister?  You INVENTED playing dirty.    Renee says she’ll help her.

Andre says it’s time for portfolio review.  Andre says he doesn’t want to see a bunch of cliched drawings . . . of which Susan’s portfolio is entirely comprised.  He singles out Amy, whose paintings lack technique and style, but are passionate.  Her paintings “bleed.”

“Oh, that.  Well, I was painting a Care Bear at a unicorn tea party and I cut my thumb while opening a can of Shasta, so . . . But yes, yes, it was totally . . . It was totally, completely, totally planned, so . . . Yeah.”

Do they even make Shasta any more?  Do any of you know what Shasta is?  Let’s move on.  Juanita and Celia are sitting down to dinner.  Celia attempts to eat hers with her Barbie.

Oh yay!  Spaghetti and an unrealistic idea of body image!  My favorite!

You guys, I absolutely HATE using the word “retarded.”  So I won’t.  But the words “mentally handicapped” just don’t have the hilarious cache that that word has.  But ohmigod.  Celia.  Needs.  To be tested.  Girl has said like 2 words this entire series, and one of them was “sperm.”  She eats dolls.  She eats her spaghetti with dolls.  And she also almost got hit by a plane, so that’s probably not helping.  It’s kind of stopped being funny (did it ever start?!) and has crossed over into, “Oh, lordy, something is definitely, horribly wrong with that poor kid.”

Carlos is “napping” so he isn’t there for dinner.  Ah, so the delusional lies about Alcoholic Daddy have begun.  “Daddy just has . . . an inner ear infection!”  “Daddy has . . . an iron deficiency so he sleeps all day!”  Juanita wants to plan their yearly vacation, but Gabby instead snaps at her.  Later, Gabby and Carlos wonder what will happen to their kids if they go to jail.  Susan’s out of the question since she was in on the hiding of the body.  Carlos suggests McCluskey, which would be HILARIOUS.  But Gabby says that she’s too old.  Ageist!  Gabby then suggests Bob and Lee.  Carlos is, of course, suspect, since they’re so freaking bash-worthy.  But he concedes that they’re great parents and says they’ll talk to them about it.  After the bashing, of course.

Penny is all set to go over to Tom’s and Jane’s.  Jane’s cooking dinner!  I bet she spent a summer in Majorca learning to make civiche and gazpacho with Julia Child.  Lynette is looking at Penny’s baby book, slyly guilting her daughter into wanting to stay with her instead of going out with Tom and perfect Jane.

“Oh, Peggy.  You were such a pretty baby.”  “It’s Penny.”  “Whatever.”

Lynette’s all, Things will be different now that Jane’s around.  Penny thinks that Lynette doesn’t like Jane, but Lynette says she does, even though she’s stealing her husband.  But she doesn’t want to say anything bad!  She might be stealing Penny too.  But she doesn’t want to say anything bad!  Penny says she wants to stay with her mom.  Phase One complete!

Meanwhile, Susan’s trying to paint some masterpieces.

Sometime around noon, Susan regretted her decision to throw her own feces onto the canvas.  “It’s not ‘edgy,’” she thought to herself.  “It’s just really, really stinky.”

Bree walks in because she rang the doorbell twice and no one answered.  Susan’s like, I can’t get his voice out of my head!  She’s talking about Andre, but Bree thinks she’s talking about Alejandro perhaps and is all, “Do you dig things up?”  Susan’s all, Whaa?!  Bree says she must have mis-heard.  She’s about to come right out and ask her when Mike comes in and says that Ben had to shut down the whole project because something happened at the site.  Susan’s all, Didn’t you want to ask me something?  Bree tells Susan that she “really needs to get away from those paint fumes.”  Hee.

Gabby and Carlos are asking Bob and Lee about raising their girls and while they’re honored, they don’t really want to do that because the Solis girls are “monsters,” as Lee puts it.  Gabby’s like, No, they’ve changed and they’re so well behaved!  Carlos concurs.  Lee suggests that he and Bob go over to dinner tomorrow so they can see how much the girls have changed.  Gabby says that’s a bad idea because they have a “bible pageant” coming up.  Hahaha!  Bible pageant.  I’m going to google image that and see what comes up.

Meh.  Nothing interesting, sadly.  Just a whole bunch of Carrie Prejean pics.  And I am NOT giving that see you next tuesday any more attention.

Bob and Lee insist that they all have dinner tomorrow.  Uh-oh!  After the break, Gabby says that she’s giving the girls 9 hours to learn how to behave.  She actually pulled them out of school.  Parenting!  Later, she asks the girls if they know which fork is the salad fork.  Juanita:  “What’s salad?”  Mehhhhh, nice try, but not funny, DH writers.  Also, Celia grabs a spoon.

And Juanita Solis makes a mental note for the next chapter in her sad, sad autobiography “Invisible Child: My Mother Took Her Doll For Chinese Food But Couldn’t Even Remember My Name.”

Seriously.  Even the dude who wrote the “autobiographical” “Running With Scissors” thinks this is too effed up and dysfunctional.  Cut to Gabby finding a lollipop in Celia’s hair.  Cut to Gabby trying to teach the girls about the Tony Awards.  Because Bob and Lee are gay, get it?  HAHAHAHAHA!  Ohhhhhhhhhh, pointless.

Tom barges in to Lynette’s house because he’s a little pissed that he hasn’t seen Penny in a week.  Penny says she’s fine, she just has a bunch of homework.  Tom offers Jane to help Penny, but she says she’d rather have mom’s help.  Tom asks if she has a problem with Jane but Penny avoids the topic.  Tom says that he’ll be at the ballpark tomorrow to play catch or whatever, and Penny agrees to show up.  After Penny leaves, Tom asks Lynette if she’s said anything to Penny and Lynette’s like, Penny is a big girl, she has her own opinions.  Tom says that their problems need to be between the two of them and no one else.  And Lynette’s like, You’re the one jumping into a relationship.  Word, Lynette.  I think PlathAddict hit the nail on the head in last episode’s comments — it’d be nice if Lynette took this time to reflect on why she pushes people — namely, Tom — away, but she’s not.  And on the other hand, it’s completely douche-y of Tom to just jump right in and try to include Jane in everything.  Ten bucks says Tom will invite Jane to Thanksgiving dinner and she’ll get her face shoved in sweet potatoes by the end of the episode.  Also, I bet Jane doesn’t last into the new year.

Over at Ben’s construction site, Bree jaunts on over to congratulate Ben on his first day of construction.  I find it odd that Ben is Australian and in the construction business and yet he’s never taken his shirt off.

You did it once, ABC.  I think you can do it again.

She brought him some food, but Ben’s having a liquid lunch, because someone found a body buried in the woods.  They were doing soil samples and found it on Halloween night.  Who’s digging for soil samples at night?  On Halloween?  Also, AT NIGHT?!  Whatever.  They put the body in a storage shed.  Which is kind of weird.  Ben says he’s reluctant to call the cops because it’ll be a crime scene, they’ll shut down construction, everyone will say it’s haunted by the ghost of a Mexican child-molester who kills you in your dreams, blah blah blah.  Bree says it must be tempting to make the body disappear but Ben says if he hides it and it comes up later, he’ll be convicted of a felony.  But what about all the workers, Bree says!  And the guys who dug it up will go to jail!  Ben says he’s going to call the cops and just get it over with.  Bree runs away to the woods and Ben’s like, Que, Qui, Donde?!  He follows her to the gravesite and she tells him that the man who was buried was a horrible man “who hurt a child, someone I care about very much.  And he was going to hurt her again.”  Ben asks Bree if she killed him, she says that she didn’t, but she totes helped her friend — who DID kill him — bury him out in the woods.  She asks Ben again not to do anything, but Ben says he has to call the police and then Bree starts crying.

Which plot do I hate the most this week?  Susan’s or Gabby’s?  I’m going to go with Gabby’s.  At least Susan’s isn’t taking up a lot of this episode.  It’s time for the Solis Family Dinner of Delusion.  Juanita gives a very nice prayer (during which Gabby slips her some money).  Carlo is, interestingly enough, drinking wine.  Ah.  So we’re just going to drop that alkie plot like a hot potato?  Normally, I’d cry foul, but I’m okay with this.  More lies and money handing and Juanita says that her dress is like Maria’s in “West Side Story.”  I’m not so super-gay that I know that musical/movie by heart (actually, I don’t like it that much because it’s over-dramatic drivel, but some of the songs are nice and the dancing is fabulous), but I don’t think Juanita’s dress is similar to any worn by Maria in the movie.  Also, did you know the lady who dubbed Natalie Wood’s singing voice also dubbed Audrey Hepburn’s voice in “My Fair Lady?”  Also, you know who never needed her singing voice dubbed?

This lady.  And you would do well to bow down before her.

Susan goes over to Andre’s apartment/studio.  Wait.  Does he teach his class from his apartment?  Or does he live at the school?  I’m confused.  But not so much that I care.  Susan says she can’t do her art and she wonders what she’ll have to do to get him to take her seriously.  Just then, that Amy chick comes out of the bedroom in her underwear.  Andre assures her that the sexin’ has nothing to do with the appreciation of her art.  Andre says that Susan is getting an A+ in class but he’s all sarcastic about it because he thinks she needs to be the best in the class and then he says that Susan is lying to herself.  You guys, I cannot take much more of this “art is pain!  Paint your pain!  Art is suffering!  Paint your suffering!  Art is shit!  Paint your shit!” talk.  Because you know what?  ART IS NOT THAT.  You do not have to suffer to make good art, people, and if anyone ever says that to you, I want to you tell them, “F**k off!  How about I punch you in the crotch, huh?!  Paint THAT pain, you f**knut!”  Andre says that every time Susan sits down and doesn’t paint “the pain and fear that’s in you, you’re lying.”  Oh, STFU.  Totally STFU, Andre.  Andre is all, I thought you were holding back, but now I know there’s nothing there, so you’ll get your A+, but don’t come back to my class.

The Dinner of Delusions is over and Gabby and Carlos are walking Bob and Lee home and still talking up their kids when they all notice this:

I’m more offended by the incorrect grammar than the actual homophobia.

Later, Gabby yells at Juanita, because they did not raise her “like this.”  True, Gabby.  You, uh, you didn’t raise her at all.  Poor girl’s been a latchkey kid since she was 3 months old.  Juanita says she likes Bob and Lee but she won’t say why she did it.  She asks if Carlos is dying, because everyone’s acting different, and daddy’s “sleeping a lot” and everyone is sad all the time.  Gabby says that they’re fine and Juanita asks why she wants her and Celia living with Bob and Lee, and Gabby just says that it’s in case something happens.  But not to worry, they’re not going anywhere.  That’s fantastic, but it doesn’t really explain the hate crime . . .

Lynette and Renee (of course) are at the ballpark to scope out if Tom brought Jane to his play date with Penny.  But he didn’t.  Also, Penny’s not there.  She stood up her own dad.  Lynette feels guilty.  As she should.

Bree’s pulling into her driveway when Chuck pulls up.  He’s still an asshole.  You know, I don’t think this show has pulled a 180 so drastically with any character other than Chuck.  He was nice and sort of sexy and then BAM!  He took the crazy train express to Psycho Town.  At least George was weird from the beginning.  Ah, George.  Such a quirky sociopath.  Chuck says he’s there on police business and shoves a photo of Alejandro in her face, all, “Have you seen this man?”

“I have not seen this Hispanic gentleman.”

“I didn’t say he was Hispanic.”

“I didn’t say ‘Hispanic,’ I said . . . Spam . . . picnic.  Let’s go on a Spam picnic, you gentleman, you!  HAHAHAHA!  Wait here and I’ll go get my gun.  Coat!  I’ll go get my coat!  HAHAHAHA!”

Chuck’s all, 2 months ago we were going to that dinner party and passed him on the sidewalk.  Bree says she’s never seen that Spam picnic dude in her life.  Chuck’s like, Have you heard about micro-expressions because when a person’s distressed their face gives off little expressions and lines that suggest they’re not telling the truth.

“How dare you!  I have had 8 Botox injections just to avoid that very thing!”

Chuck is all, I don’t need a micro-expression to tell me you’re lying because I’ve seen that look every time you told me you loved me.  Then he leans in menacingly close to Bree . . . And Ben pushes him away!  Yay!  Aussie vs. Brit!  Who will win?!  I don’t care . . . Chuck tells Ben to cool it on the tough guy act.  Ben’s like, “It’s not an act.”  Chuck says he’ll be seeing Bree and tells Ben that he made a “big mistake.”

Big.  Huge.  I have to go shopping now.

Ben comforts Bree.  Very closely.  The embrace lasts a long time . . . Interesting . . . Ben asks if what happened with Chuck has to do with the woods and Bree says that it does.  Ben says that he won’t call the police.  Bree asks him why he’d do that and he says that someday he may need something from Bree.  Like vagina, eh, Ben?  What’s all this, then?  Bree canoodling with Ben?  Renee would LOSE IT.  First Keith (ugh, blargh) and then Ben?  Girl will cut.  Bree.  Up.  And I would like to see that.

Lynette drives Penny over to the ballpark so she can see Sad Tom.  She tells Penny that she needs to spend time with her dad because he misses her so much.  Penny is all, He shouldn’t have left us “for Jane.”  Lynette’s all, He left me, not us, because we didn’t make each other happy, but Jane kind of makes him happy, so “here we are.”  She apologizes for saying dumb stuff about Jane and junk.  She tells Penny that she and Tom both love her — there aren’t any bad guys, just people trying to figure stuff out.  Penny hugs her mom and goes to play with her dad.  Penny tells Lynette that she’s way prettier than Jane.  Awwwww, good job, Lynette!  And then Lynette starts crying and it’s so sad and I feel so bad for her!  And this totally feels like it’s the end of the episode.

But it’s not.  Ben goes over to Mike’s house, and to my surprise, neither of them takes his shirt off and starts roughly making out with the other one.  Boo.  Ben is all, Remember when I said I might need a favor? Cuz there’s this dead dude we found in the woods and I need someone to take care of it.  Mike’s like, Sure, yeah, and tells Ben that he doesn’t need any more details.  Susan comes in and is all, So you got the job!  Mike’s like, Just wait til you hear what the job is.  Uh-oh . . .

Bree has Lynette and Gabby over to talk about how Ben isn’t going to say anything, and also white wine so yay!  Susan rushes over to tell them that someone at Ben’s site found a body and Ben just asked Mike to get rid of it!  Oh, zip!  The girls are totally fake shocked at this news!  Gabby is the worst (and most hilarious) at this.  Bree says that they already knew and Lynette drops the bomb about their plan and then it’s all out in the open.  Susan’s like, You knew and didn’t tell me?  Susan’s pissed.  She’s like, You dragged me into this and then you have this massive news and plan and you don’t even tell me?  Then Susan’s like, Also, Carlos told Mike, not me.  Lynette says they’ll be fine and Gabby’s all, Right — as long as we don’t get another letter.  Oh, dip!  Susan is uber-pissed that they kept this from her.  She says their pact was to keep the secret, not to keep secrets from each other!  “We’re done!” she yells and then leaves!  On, snap!  Lynette is also pissed about the fact that Bree and Gabby kept the note from her.  She doesn’t feel like she can count on their friendship and then she leaves, too!  Oh, dang!

Cut to the next morning.  Susan is still pissed off.  Oh, if only she could channel that anger and frustration into something useful . . . I know!  Making no-bake cookies!  Or, painting, I guess, whatever.  She drags out paints and water and then spreads black and yellow and green gunk on a canvas.  It’s a masterpiece when she’s done.

*GASP!*  For who ever heard . . . of a sad clown . . .?

At night, Mike’s digging a hole for Alejandro’s body in the foundation or something.  I don’t work construction.  But from what I’ve seen on gay porn, I wouldn’t mind.  The next day, concrete is poured over the grave.  Mary Alice blahs about erasing mistakes and hiding crap.  Susan shows her painting to Andre, who is impressed.

The title, “Pink Sunset Rainbow Skies:  Fluffy Kitten Dreams #42,” is a bit of a misnomer.

Well, I thought that was a pretty good episode, folks.  I like the way more people are being drawn into this season’s mystery.  Except Renee.  She was a complete waste of space in this episode.  I get the feeling that there were some scenes with her that were cut out, since she was all, “I’ll teach you how to play dirty,” and then we didn’t see her again until the end of the episode, where she was, again, a waste of space.

Desperate Housewives Memories

Clair – My favorite scene is when they did a flashback with Bree and her kids and she’s making Andrew apologize to a neighbor. The actor who played him was AWESOME – so sullen and pissed.

My other favorite scene was already commented on – when the girls are at the soccer field and Lynette is losing it about being a mom and they all tell her how hard they thought it was too and she starts crying and says something like, “Why didn’t anyone tell me??”

I have spoken of my love for that last scene.  Lynette was my favorite character in the first season.  Actually, in the first two seasons, really.