Desperate Housewives Recap: Alcoholics Synonymous

Sorry about the lateness.  Stuff happens.  And as I write this, that stuff is making me cough  hysterically and blow my nose every two seconds, so let’s get on with it.  Being sick makes me very bitter, so THIS recap should be a fun one, eh?!

Mary Alice says that there’s nothing as peaceful as the sounds of Wisteria Lane at night.  The sound of a TV, the hum of the street lamps, the songs of the “night birds.”  “Night birds?”  All righty then.  She forgot to mention the hiding of dead bodies, the holding someone for ransom and poisoning him, the shootings, the locking of mentally handicapped sons in the basement . . . Ah, Wisteria Lane.  So peaceful.  So restful.

Mary Alice goes on to say that it’s so peaceful that even a slight disturbance is upsetting.  Bree hears a sound downstairs and immediately calls 911, giving the dispatcher her address.

Dispatcher:  “Sweetie, with all the shit that does down on your street, we have someone over there 24/7.  So next time, don’t bother calling us with your stupid crap.”

Bree grabs her gun and heads downstairs and it turns out the person in her house is Chuck.  We all knew that.  He says that he heard the 911 dispatch over his radio and when he got there the door was wide open.  Oooh, liar!  He later asks Bree if she left the door unlocked and maybe some drifter stopped by . . . like the one they saw the night of the party who ended up missing.  He tells Bree that someone may be trying to rattle Bree and junk.  But he tells her not to worry.  After all, he’ll be keeping an eye on her.  Oh, brother.  Credits.

Mary Alice blahs about weaknesses as people on Wisteria Lane that we neither know nor care about do things that we think are lame.  Some dude knocks on Gabby’s door in the morning — he’s a taxi driver, dropping off a drunk Carlos.  Carlos apologizes to Gabby and tells her that things haven’t gotten better.  She suggests rehab, he suggests it’s not a big deal because he drinks all the time at work functions.  Hey, if it’s good enough for Don Draper . . .  Gabby says she’ll go in and forge his signature on payroll so he can stay home and take care of his whiskey diarrhea.

Over at Susan’s art class, there’s a guest — Andre’s art dealer.  Who’s played by Leslie Jordan!  Yay!  I love him ever so much.  As well as Beverly Leslie.  He’s there to critique the art and he’s harsh, apparently.  He hates everyone’s work and Susan doesn’t even give him a chance to look at her painting . . . but he sees it anyway.  Will he love it?!  The suspense is mildly annoying me!  He loves it because it’s “dark and brooding,” which according to our art history lessons thanks to season 8 of Desperate Housewives, makes it a Genius Work of Art.  In fact, Felix (Leslie Jordan) says that it reminds him of Andre’s work.

Over at The House Where Pastels Go to Die (Renee’s crib), some lady is discussing what she wants her house to look like.  Oh.  So, we’re going back to this, then, DH Writers?  You’re going to acknowledge that Renee and Lynette work together and own their own cute little decorating business?  Because you haven’t mentioned that in at least 12 episodes or so, so I was just thinking you didn’t give a crap about it anymore.  But here we are . . . Also, Lynette and Renee, if you want to book clients?  Don’t meet at Renee’s house.  Anyone who decorated that tacky piece of purple fart would never get my business.  The lady wants to decorate the den in a Southwestern style, which Renee finds hideous.  I’ll agree with her.  The Southwestern look is uber tacky.  The lady breaks out her checkbook and asks for the date, which is the “13th,” which also happens, Lynette remembers, to be Lynette and Tom’s anniversary.  Felicity Huffman looks really pretty in this scene.  It’s their 22nd anniversary and now Lynette is all sad and bummed out and projecting her sad bummed-out-ness onto the client, who’s doing her best to cheer her up.  Cindy, the client, says that her husband was ready to call it a day on their marriage too, so Cindy changed her hair, her style, and everything else, which saved her relationship.  Healthy, Cindy.  Very healthy.

After Cindy’s left, Lynette asks Renee if she’s fought enough and if she’s giving up on her marriage too easily.  Renee says that she picked the right time to quit because they couldn’t make it work.  Tom’s moved on, so Lynette should live her own life, dammit!

Bree goes over to Gabby’s house because she has no one else to talk too — both Lynette and Susan refuse to talk to her.  Both Bree and Gabby are bummed that Susan and Lynette aren’t friends with them anymore.  And Gabby says that they’ll come around once they realize the body is buried under concrete and junk.  Carlos comes in, all hung over, and Gabby tells Bree that he’s drinking.  Bree says that sometimes, a drink seems like the only friend you have left.

“I love you, Wild Turkey!”

Bree tells Gabby that Chuck dropped by, but all that he wanted was to get back together.  Gabby says that she hopes she never loses Bree as a friend, because Bree is Gabby’s “rock.”

The next day, Gabby goes in to sign the payroll (since Carlos is at home eating Doritos and watching TV.  Seriously — that’s how someone recovers from alcoholism?  Laying on the couch home alone and eating junk food all day?), and some secretary is freaking out because some bigwig is at the office.  She wants to call Carlos, but Gabby says that he’s home sick, so she’ll take care of it.  By flirting with Richie McOldMoney.  He’s a multi-million dollar client and Gabby’s flirting is getting nowhere . . . and then some young exec named Jeffrey (or probably Geoffrey) comes in and says that he has some solutions for him, which makes Gabby relieved.

Back at Art Class, Susan is being all smug from Felix’s compliments on her  painting.  Felix comes up and says that he hasn’t been this excited since he discovered Andre so many years ago.  When Susan says that she’s a housewife, Felix eats that crap up with a tiny little spork and is all, I’m putting your painting in my gallery!  Susan mini-freaks about this (because, you know, it’s pretty incriminating.  And, you know, crappy) and tells Felix that she could never, ever do that.

Geoffrey (I was right) has wrapped things up with Richie McOldMoney, asking Gabby if Carlos is okay, since he’s always around when that rich dude is in town.  He tells Gabby that Carlos is like a father to him, so he wants to help.  Gabby says that Carlos has been drinking a lot so he’s been home, nursing his hungover ass.  Geoffrey tells Gabby to go home and get Carlos well so he can come back — Geoffrey will hold down the fort until then.  Uh-oh.  I don’t like the sound of this, you guys.  Something about Geoffrey’s face makes me think he’s a liar.  And that he was also probably a guest star on Saved By the Bell or California Dreams or Hannah Montana at one point.

Lynette hears a knock on the door and is surprised that it’s a flower delivery man.  The flowers are from Tom, who sent a happy anniversary card to go along with them.

Gabby comes back home to tell Carlos the good news about Geoffrey, which is great, because Carlos says that Geoffrey is a responsible person who is looking out for the best interests of others.  Although, to be fair, Carlos said pretty much the opposite of that.  Turns out, Geoffrey is a back-stabbing douche who wants all of Carlos’s top clients!  Oh, dip!

Renee stops over at Lynette’s house, because, you know, that’s what she does.  And then, this:

Makeover!

Renee thinks it’s great, especially since it means that she’s putting herself out there.  But Lynette’s not going “out there.”  She’s doing this for Tom.  She bought him a bottle of scotch for their anniversary, just like she always does.  Nothing says, “I’ve changed!” like doing the exact same thing you’ve done for 20 years.  And then maybe Tom will see her hair and junk and think that she’s willing to change and he’ll take her back and everything will be back to normal.

Andre shows up at Susan’s house to call her an idiot for not showing her work at the gallery.  He considers himself a mentor, but he eventually reveals his agenda — if Susan shows her work at a gallery, then maybe he can teach at a better college.  Like Arizona State.  Susan says she made those paintings for herself (oh, lord, there’s more than one?) and she doesn’t want to share them.  He says that she’s scared and she agrees and shoves him out the door.  Back in his car, Andre tells Felix that Susan still doesn’t want to show her work.  Felix says that it’s time for them to do something themselves.

Bree goes outside to find Chuck there, who tells her that he’s been following her.  Wow.  I really, really hate Chuck.  I mean, I know that Bree covered up a murder, but damn, Chuck.  You’re such an asshole.  He continues to ask her about Alejandro and tells her that Alejandro’s car was a lot like Bree’s “Aunt Shirley’s” car, and Alejandro was a big fan of that Oklahoma sports team, just like “Aunt Shirley.”  Chuck says he’ll talk to Gabby, but Bree stops him.  Chuck says that he’s close to solving the case — he thinks that something happened to Alejandro and that Bree didn’t do it, but she covered it up, probably for a friend.  Bree then puts on her sassy pants and tells Chuck that she would do anything for her friends and if he’s going to charge her with something, he should get out the cuffs; otherwise, he can get the hell off her lawn.

Gabby goes back to Carlos’s office to confront Geoffrey, who is meeting with Mr. Sweeney (the rich dude).  Gabby tells him that he’s a big, fake jerk and then Geoffrey tells Mr. Sweeney that Carlos is a drunk.  Dick!  Mr. Sweeney says he needs to see Carlos immediately.  So, Mr. Sweeney shows up at Carlos’s house, and it turns out he’s in AA.  Who would’ve thought?  I would have.  And you would have.  Mr. Sweeney tells Carlos that he should get help, Carlos doesn’t want to, and then Mr. Sweeney tells him that he needs to make a choice — throw away your life, or take back control of it.  Gabby thinks he should go to AA.

When you start to look like Darlene Connor’s boyfriend, you’ve hit rock bottom, people.

Lynette lets herself into Tom’s apartment, thanks to Penny’s spare key that she “borrowed.”  Okay, how many of you think she’s going to walk in on Tom having sex with Jane?  Because I’m pretty sure that’s going to happen.  But I’m going to cross my fingers that she’ll walk in on Tom having sex with Mike.  And Bob.  She goes to put the scotch on the nightstand, just like she’s done for the past 20 years.  And then she hears Tom coming in with Jane, and she hides under the bed.  Tom and Jane are talking about some waiter that was flirting with Jane and then they get all ready to do it.  Oh no!  But Lynette, thank god, immediately yells out that she’s in the bedroom.  Jane leaves to give Tom and Lynette some space to talk.  Lynette tells Tom that she was giving him the scotch because it’s their anniversary and since Tom remembered with the flowers, she wanted to give him her gift too.  Tom tells Lynette that, ever since he forgot their anniversary 12 years ago, he put in a standing order at the florist.  Oh, ouch.  He then tells Lynette that he’ll cancel it.  Wow, just twist that knife deeper, Tom.  Lynette says she’ll leave and Tom says that her hair looks nice.

Susan meets Andre at the gallery, where he tells her that everyone is going to be talking about her — because he put her paintings in the show.  Susan tries to pull them off the wall, but she can’t get them off.  Susan calls Bree and says that she needs her and Gabby.  They show up and Susan says that she didn’t know that they’d be in the show, but Bree and Gabby agree to buy the entire set.  For $10,000.  Which is a pretty good haul, actually.  Some other douche-y yuppie couple come by and state that they’re disappointed that the paintings sold, since they’re an “allegory” for the “bludgeoning of the middle class.”  Ugh.

Oh, but guess who else is there?  Chuck, dammit.  Chuck’s all, I just see four women “who killed a guy with a candlestick and then dumped his body in the woods.  But then again, what do I know about art?”

But what do you know about not being an asshole, Chuck?

I’m thinking not much.  Chuck asks Susan if she painted the works and says that they’re amazing.  He then says that the women in the large painting look a lot like the four of them.  Bree says that art is open to interpretation.  He asks Susan who the dead body represents — maybe a certain missing person from Oklahoma?  Chuck says he’s close to solving the case, but he’s going to take his time because he wants to enjoy “watching the ice princess melt.”  Dick!  Bree tells the gals that someone reported Alejandro missing and Chuck thinks it has something to do with them.  Susan is all, “More secrets?” and walks away.  Gabby is mad at Bree for — seriously — being less careful with the secret of what her own freaking husband did, and walks away.

Susan tells Andre that she feels miserable, and Andre’s like, Congrats — you’re now an artist.  Because, again, you can’t be an artist until you’re a dark, suicidal wreck, people.  Never forget that.  Mary Alice talks about exposing weaknesses and moments when our secrets are no longer hidden and our pain can’t be ignored.  And Bree pours herself a glass of wine and starts drinking again!

“Why did I do this?  Why did I buy this bottle of pinot grigio?  There’s a perfectly good shiraz hidden in the dryer.  Dammit.”

No memories this time.  Email them to dhtvgasm08@gmail.com!  Again, I’m SO sorry for the extreme lateness, guys.  I’m sure I’ll be feeling better by the time the next episode rolls around, which will be in December.  Happy Thanksgiving!

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!

To follow my personal tweets, click here.