Desperate Housewives Recap: Baby! Boom!

Mary Alice is blabbin’ about Orson and how Bree was the perfect woman for him — throughout sickness, jail, and that whole useless-legs thing.  But now it’s Orson’s turn to take care of Bree.  And Orson has just what Bree needs!

“A flaccid wang?”

“Uh . . . no.  Tea.”

Well, that’s probably just as well.  Bree is very grateful that Orson was there to taze her almost rapist, because she doesn’t have many friends any more.  Orson’s all, What about Susan, Gabby, and Lynette?  Bree’s all, Those bitches shut me out, ever since something . . . unpleasant . . . happened.  Orson knows that something is wrong and wants Bree to tell him, so Bree begins to tell him the story of Alejandro and the Secret Shovel of Doom.  When she’s finished, Orson’s shocked, but only at the actions of her friends.  I mean, come on, this is the guy who didn’t search for his missing wife, who covered up for his mom when she killed his lover, who hit Mike with a car, who stole a bunch of random and tacky tchotchkes from his neighbors, and who was responsible for the death of the neighborhood slut.  It takes a lot to shock a man like that and burying a dead body in the woods and covering it up?  Ain’t nuthin’ to Orson Hodge.  And is Orson still in love with Bree?  Who knows.  The music sounds menacing.  I don’t like that.  Credits.

Mary Alice talks about how much Lynette loves shared custody — for 3 days a week, she can do anything she wants.  Except berate people.

“You . . . stupid stairs!  Why don’t you quit following your stupid dreams and go do something useful, like opening some . . . sort of . . . stair business!”

It’s just not the same . . .  Also, Felicity Huffman is limber.  I would literally poop myself if I attempted that.  I would poop myself and then I would pass out.  In my own poop.  But it looks like Lynnie Sue won’t get the day to herself because . . . The twins are here!  Finally.  Those Little Damons aren’t just here for a drop-by — they’ve been evicted and want to live with her!  After many hilarious shenanigans (I’m serious!  It’s funny!) and talk about how they don’t like Tom’s “stupid girlfriend,” Lynette agrees.

Julie’s looking at a website of potential adoptive parents for her baby by Zach Young.  Just puttin’ that out there.  Susan poo-poos all the parents because she’s still bitter about Julie giving up her baby for adoption.  Mike tells her she needs to LET IT GO and cut Julie some hella slack.  Agreed, Mike.  Now take your shirt off and take some photos of yourself in the mirror with your iPhone.

Or a Pop-Tart.

That is a damn lucky Pop-Tart.  Susan’s like, Maybe I can find the father and talk to him and make him change Julie’s mind.  Wow.  Can we just change the title of the show to Susan Delfino Insists On Making Poor Decisions?  Episode 1:  The One Where Susan Whines About the Consequences.  Mike’s like, That’s a bad idea and it could really make Julie hate you.  More so, I mean.

The Solis girls are having so much fun on the swings at the playground!  But of course Gabby has to put a stop to that, because she’s got to exploit them for something (I’m assuming).  Also, DH writers — what, no Fat Solis Girls joke this week?  No comment from Gabby about, I don’t know, everyone being lucky that the swing-set hasn’t fallen over?  You guys are unpredictable this week!  And funny — Gabby’s counting to three to get them off the swings, and she’s all, “Two and three-quarters . . .”  Juanita:  “You don’t know anymore fractions, do you.”  Haha!  Gabby calls Carlos, who is doing yoga in his room at the rehab center.  Oddly, his shirt is still on.  I don’t understand.  Who wants to see Carlos in downward-facing-dog if he’s not shirtless?  Or, at the very least, in nothing but a jock strap?  Lame.  Gabby tells Carlos that he needs to get back home prontito because she cannot handle her kids by herself and she’s handling Carlos’s business stuff too and it’s just too much!  Carlos asks to talk to Juanita.  I wonder what’s better:  Angry Sex Carlos or Laid-Back Sex Carlos.  Let’s vote on it.  I’ll abstain because I’ll take either.  Let’s move on to another paragraph.

Gabby sees Roy (McCluskey’s main man) sitting alone by himself on a park bench.  I guess McCluskey kicked him out!  Guh!  Buh!  Chuh!  Roy says it may be a while before McCluskey takes him back and he has nowhere to stay (hint, hint).  Gabby:  “You know, it’s fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.”  Hee.  Who wrote this episode?  Wikipedia says . . . Cindy Appel.  Good on ya, Cindy.  Roy’s like, Dammit chica, ask me to move in!  Gabby reluctantly gives in.  Roy says he’d ask Bree but Orson’s moving in with her.  Plus, she’s a drunken slut.  Just throwing that in there.  Hey, did you know that this playground is directly across the street from Bree’s house?  Because it totally is and it has always existed in that place so DO NOT QUESTION IT.  This is the final season.  We have to let some things go.  Gabby grabs the phone from Juanita and says that she has to call her friends.

Gabby, Susan, and Lynette show up to talk to Orson, who tells them about what happened to Bree at the bar.  Why is there always sinister music around Orson now?  Did he hire that guy to almost-rape Bree just so he could save her and move back into her life OHMIGOD I’m a genius.  That’s totally what happened.  The girls ask to see Bree and Orson’s like, Yeeeeaaah, no.  They ask him to tell Bree that they love her and he agrees to do so.  Back inside, he tells Bree he was just talking to the men who were installing his ramp.  Oh, dip!

It’s night-time now, the time when the hot men of Wisteria Lane should be taking off their shirts and putting on loosely fitting pajama pants.  But no, that’s not happening.  Instead, Mike’s at Ben’s construction site, talking to some guy on the phone about getting his “check.”  Mike sees some guy running away and is all, “This is private property!”  And then:

I swear to god, if Mike suffers horrible, scarring burns on his face, chest, stomach, or crotch, I will stop watching this show.

I will.  I will just stop.  I will stop recapping.  Luckily, Mike’s sculpted plumber body is left unscathed.  The Goonabomber tries to get away, but he’s no match for Mike’s excellent and sexy fighting skills.  Oh, and it turns out the guy who blew up the site is none other than:

“Suck on my fire, a-holes.”

I wish. No, it’s Ben, of course.  Ben blew up his own site.

Later, in Ben’s office, Ben begs Mike not to tell anyone and says he’ll make out with Mike “and maybe more” if Mike keeps his mouth shut about it.  I REALLY wish.  Mike’s understandably pissed.  Ben says he’s in over his head with a “loan shawk” and the “loan shawk” comes with a “crow bah” if there are any late payments.  Just like Sallie Mae.  Bastards.  Ben will get insurance money if the site blows up and then he can pay off the loan shawk.  Mike says that’s against the law!  Ben knows that!  Then Ben’s chest feels tight!  That’s not good!  Mike takes Ben to the hospital!

Susan’s over at Lynette’s house for some coffee and some store-brand cereal.  Hey everyone!  If your store sells Kroger products, you can eat Honey Nut Bitz, just like the Scavos!  My store sells it.  Jealous?  Yeah you are.  Susan’s sweater makes her look like Mary Richards, which is totally a compliment, as Mary Richards is adorable perfection.  Susan, of course, lets it slip about Julie’s situation.  Lynette asks about the dad, but Susan still doesn’t know.  Then she blabs about Julie giving the baby up for adoption, a subject I, for one, never get tired of hearing about, especially since I think Susan’s being incredibly selfish.  Lynette offers to talk to Julie, but Susan says that it’s a secret and no one else can know.  Except some people were totally listening in.

Which of these men is the father of Julie’s baby?!  Find out next week on the next episode of:  Susan Delfino Insists On Making Poor Decisions!

Suspense!  It’s breakfast time at Gabby’s house.  She asks Roy why he needs to pee 5 times a night and it’d be nice if his robe wouldn’t fly open at a moment’s notice.  Juanita and Celia are totally not in the mood for school — they’re still in their p.j.’s.  And Gabby tells Juanita that she made breakfast, and then Juanita says the funniest thing ever:  “Ooooh, toast!  Let me know when your cookbook comes out!”  HAHAHAHAHA!  AHAHAHAHAHA!  Love it!  Cindy Appel, please write all the remaining episodes of the season.  Sincerely yours, Hypnotoad.  Apparently, Gabby doesn’t give a shit about her kids not going to school, because she immediately talks to Roy about him needing to go back to McCluskey’s house.  Roy says he may find somewhere else to go, but just then the kids come back down and Roy’s all, “Dammit, kids,” listen to your mom because I killed tons of guys in Korea and I will kill you too if you don’t get ready for school!  Gabby promptly changes her mind about Roy staying for a while.  Sidebar:  It looked like Eva Longoria really enjoyed doing this scene with Orson Bean (Roy).  I like catching things like that.

Julie’s on the horn with the father (*cough* Zach Young *cough*) and tells him to meet her at The Coffee Cup in half an hour.  Susan overhears this and promptly hatches a plan of epically poor decisions.  At The Coffee Cup, scene of so many stranglings by Eddie “Stranglin’ Hands” Orlofsky, Susan sits and waits behind a newspaper.  And then, Porter walks in.  Yes, folks, it turns out that my sarcasm was actually correct.  I did not think that one of the Scavo twins would be the father of Julie’s baby, because I thought that would be too easy.  But I was wrong.  Well played, Cindy Appel.  Well played.  Kind of.

After the break, Susan and Julie are home arguing about the fact that Porter effing Scavo is the father of Julie’s baby.  Susan can’t believe it.  Welcome to the club, Suzy-Q.  Okay, so before we get any further, let’s try to figure this out:  Julie was 14 in the first season and the Scavo twins were . . . 7?  So, factor in the 5 year leap . . . She’s . . . 25 now?  And Porter is . . . 20?  Wait.  That doesn’t add up.  But I’m only 19 minutes into the recap, so someone else will have to do the math.  Anyway, Porter wants to keep the baby, which perks Susan up immediately.  She’s all, Porter does have rights as a father and if he wants to raise the baby, I’ll support him.  How about you support your own damn daughter, Susan?!  Geez.  Also, Porter wants Susan to tell Lynette.

Gabby’s in rehab with Carlos.  Has he been working out?  His shoulders look sexier.  So do his arms.  And his face.  She tells him that Roy is living with her now and making the girls do their chores and stuff, but Carlos is mostly concerned with the fact that Roy and McCluskey broke up because they’re so cute together.  Awwwww, sober Carlos is sweet!

Mark it, people:  21:30 into the ep and we have Williams.

How much time does Vanessa Williams have to sit in her DH trailer and count her sweet M&Ms money?  I’m betting a lot.  Mike tells Renee about Ben and his chest pains — it’s not a heart attack, okay, people?  So settle down.  Renee asks why he has chest pains and Mike tells her about Ben’s “business partner.”

Bree and Orson are making dinner together and Bree comments about how it’s almost as if nothing happened and it’s just the two of them the way they always were.  Before the . . . unpleasantness.  Orson asks Bree if she’d want a change of scenery given all that’s happened and tells her that his aunt passed away and left her Maine coastal cabin to him in her will.

“Of course, there’s no wheelchair ramp.  Or running water.  And you have to poop in an outhouse.  But other than that, it’s gorgeous.  Oh, and it’s haunted by Cabot Cove murder victims.  Gorgeous!”

Bree says it’d be a nice vacation, but Orson says it’d be nice to move there, for a fresh start.  A new chapter.  A new lease on life.  And so on.  Bree says she’d have to leave all her friends and Orson’s like, Those assholes who depended on you and then dumped you like a thing that dumps a lot of things (it’s late, okay?)?  Orson tells her she should go for a few weeks, just to see if she likes it.  Menacing Orson music starts to play.  Bree asks about the sauce and Orson’s like, “It’s all coming together perfectly.”  Oh, shit.  Orson totally sent Bree the letter.

Gabby’s home from shopping and sweetly gives Roy a kiss on the head when she gets in.  She thanks him for babysitting so she could have a day to herself.  Roy says it ain’t no thang and then the girls come in with firewood:  Roy says they finally got rid of the dead tree out back.  “The older one is pretty good with an ax, you might want to keep an eye on that.”  Hee!  Roy says he’s thinking about asking McCluskey to take him back, but Gabby says that he totally shouldn’t do that, and when she sees McC coming up to her house, she tells Roy to go upstairs and take a lavender bath already!

McC has come over with a peace-offering pie for Roy, but Gabby stops her at the porch and tells her that Roy is still angry.  But Gabby says she’ll work on him and in 16 days (the same amount of time that Carlos is in rehab, no less . . .) he’ll be fine.  Then she gives the pie to her daughters and tells them to make it disappear.  Oh, do the Solis girls like to eat?  I had no idea.

Renee visits Ben in the hospital, and for a man who has had chest pains, his chest is remarkably covered up by a hospital gown.  What the hell kind of g.d. hospital is this, where a hot Australian guy has to be in a gown?  I hate television.  Renee drops the bomb that she knows about his money problems and then whips out her checkbook.  Ben says no, but Renee says yes, but Ben says if you want to help me, then wait until I’m out of this financial mess and allow me to propose to you again.  Awwww!  Nothing brings true love together like taking money from the mafia then being unable to pay it back and committing arson and insurance fraud which causes chest pains and a hospital stay.  It’s a tale as old as time, people.  Ben says he still loves Renee but she’s a bit concerned that Ben will be cut up into little pieces.  Ben says he can take care of himself.  Sure seems like it, Ben.

Orson arrives in the kitchen just in time for Bree’s fresh baked croissants.  Orson can have a few, but she wants to take some to the girls, because it’s time for reconciliation.  Orson tries to convince her to re-think this, but Bree says that she has to thank them for calling Orson and bringing him back into her life (which they totally didn’t do, by the way).  He then goes on to tell her that her friends did actually stop by the other day, but it was . . . unpleasant.  Bree “deserved” what happened to her, according to Orson’s account of what the gals said, and he adds that they “felt bad” for Orson because now he’s “stuck with her.”  Dammit, Orson!  Can’t you just go back to stealing random crap?  It was stupid, but it wasn’t evil!  Orson says he’s sorry that he had to tell her, but she needed to know who’s on her side.  Oooooh, Orson!  I shake my fists towards the sky in frustration over you!

Susan has Lynette over for some cookies and chat about, you know, stuff and friendship and cookies.  And also about how her son impregnated Susan’s daughter.  Lynette reacts by running out of Susan’s house screaming, “Noo! No, he can’t be having a baby!”  Susan runs out and hands her a paper bag to blow into.  Lynette:  “It’s okay!  Julie’s going to give the baby up for adoption!  I don’t know why people do this! [Throws the paper bag onto the ground.]“  Ha!  Susan then says that Porter’s being mature and wants to keep the baby.  Lynette’s a little shocked.  Lynette says that Porter can’t raise a baby, “All he eats are frozen waffles!  Still frozen!”  Hahaha!  Oh, Cindy Appel!  It feels good to laugh again!  Susan tells Lynette that she can’t be mad at Porter because he and Julie made this wonderful baby and she and Lynette can help raise it.  And JUST as I’m thinking, Gurrrl, Lynette already HAS a baby and she don’t want no new one, ho!, Lynette says pretty much the same thing.  Susan’s all, So you’re inconvenienced and now you want strangers to raise your grandchild.  Lynette’s all, Uh, no, I want people who are ready to be parents to raise that baby because they’ll sure as hell be more prepared than Porter or Julie.  FYI:  I’m 100% on Lynette’s side, y’all.  Okay.  So.  Lynette, Susan, and Gabby aren’t talking to Bree.  And now Lynette and Susan aren’t talking to each other.  Awesome.

Kinda makes you pine for the days of Anne Schilling, eh Lynette?

Anne Schilling is a manipulative harpy.  There.  I said it.  Back at the Scavo house, Lynette tells Porter that babies are “selfish.”  WORD.  And Porter doesn’t have the attention span or patience to deal with a baby.  Porter’s like, I agree, because I’m broke and kind of dumb, but I’ll do what it takes to care for this baby.  Oh, shit, Felicity Huffman’s about to get real, y’all.  Break out the hankies!  Okay, Felicity.  We’re ready.  Continue.  Lynette says that when you’re a parent you have to give up so much (meth) and your whole life just changes dramatically (you get fat).  Porter gets real and says that he loves the baby already.  For f**k’s sake, did someone order a GOP anti-abortion propaganda video?  Because ABC is airing it right now.  Oh, fine, it’s not that bad.  But holy shit, DH people, did you ever think of all the potential adoptive parents Julie will disappoint now?  THEY probably loved that freaking baby girl fetus too!

Julie tells Susan that Porter hired a lawyer and wants to raise the baby.  Susan:  “Is that such a terrible thing?”

YES.

Full disclosure:  I totally own that movie on DVD.  And it’s not so bad until you get to the courtroom shiz and it turns into some Lifetime movie.  Susan says that she’ll help with raising the baby and Julie’s like, But I’ll have to see her all the time — I just want to forget about this!  Susan says she’ll never forget because she had a daughter too and I’m your mom and I think about you all the time and worry about you and hope you’re happy.  Which is actually a really touching thing.  But Julie’s like, “No!  This was my decision to make and you took it away.  I can’t forgive you for that.”  Gotta say, I’m 100% on Julie’s side.

Why does Susan Delfino insist on making poor decisions?!  Find out next week on the next episode of:  Susan Delfino Insists On Making Poor Decisions!!

Gabby tries to get Roy to help with Celia’s bath, but he’s so depressed because he thought he’d found “the one” with McCluskey.  Gabby says it’s just a rough patch, but Roy says that old people relationships aren’t about drama, they’re about who will hold your hand at the end.  He thought McCluskey was that person for him, but he was wrong.  Sad!

And then we cut to McCluskey at the doctor’s office:  She got her MRI and her cancer is back and metastasized to the brain and the drugs have stopped working.  What?  You guys, this is horribly sad.  I am seriously welling up right now.  The doctor says they’ll start her on aggressive radiation and other therapies they can try and she’s a fighter, but it’s going to be tough, and she’ll need a lot of support from Roy.  She tells him that she and Roy are done and the doctor’s sorry, but she’s not.  “He had to watch his first wife get sick and die.  He doesn’t need to go through that again.  Trust me.  This is for the best.”  Nooooooooooooooo!  So sad!  Dammit.  Come on, Karen — fight!

Renee is paying off the mafia guy at her house and afterward, he comments on how she must have cleaned out in her divorce.  Then he waxes about how checks are just a piece of paper but they have magic powers and now he won’t have to shoot Ben in the kneecaps or something.  Also, she’s a classy lady and he knows where she lives.

Orson is helping Bree pack for their trip to Cabot Cove and Bree comments that Orson seems really confident; he says that he’s let go of a lot and that’s helped.  Learning to drive again was what started it all.  It was freedom, he says, as we flashback to a scene of Orson driving along a road, a photo of Bree in his car.  He says being on the road gave him a “new perspective.”  It also helped him stalk Bree, apparently, because Orson’s watching her get into her house from his car.  And then he’s watching the girls take Alejandro’s wrapped body out of Gabby’s house.  And then he’s watching the girls bury the body in the woods.  And then he says he “started reaching out to old friends,” and as he narrates, we see him placing a letter in Bree’s mailbox.  He says it took time, but he finally became a new man.  He adds that Bree is beginning to change too, and she won’t believe where she ends up.

Meanwhile, Mary Alice is pissed that Orson took away her end-of-the-episode narration.

Well.  That mystery’s solved, I guess.  I don’t know how to feel about it, actually.  I assumed (based on this episode and the Menacing Orson Music) that Orson would be the one who sent the letter, but I totally didn’t think they’d reveal it in this episode.  Hmmmm.  Thoughts?  I’ll see you in a couple weeks — the show won’t be back until March!

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