Desperate Housewives Recap: Coup Kitchen

Mary Alice talks about how Tom and Lynette have been together 20 years.  Even though it seems like 200.  They share housework, keep things spicy in the bedroom, and never go to bed angry.  Ah.  So, when do they sleep?

Well, here’s a partly shirtless pic for you guys.

Tom and Lynette are in couples therapy, for at least the second time on this show.  I can’t remember why they went to a couples therapist in the first place, but I’m sure it had to do with Lynette’s emasculation and Tom’s stupid pipe dreams.  Did he ever even finish a semester when he went back to college “to learn Chinese?”  Lynette is pissed that Tom went on a “date,” even though he considers it “dinner with a friend.”  Tom says she’s a lady who lives in the building and she’s actually nice to him.  Oh, snap!  The therapist is like, What’s the point of your separation — to get back together or to split like so many of Jessica Simpson’s jeans?  The therapist asks if Tom is having sex and he’s all, “No . . . not yet.”  Oooooh, not a good answer.  Tom’s like, I want things to work out, but we haven’t made each other happy for a long time.  He says they need to explore or they’ll just end up back here hating each other.  You know, for someone who constantly picked fights with Tom — some warranted, some not at all warranted — Lynette is sure wishy-washy when it comes to this separation.  And I think the therapist has Lynette’s number.

“Bottom line, Tom:  I don’t think this beyotch ever wants you to be happy.  EVER.”

Lynette gets huffy and gets up to leave, all, Let the sex begin!  She tells Tom that she can’t wait for her new boyfriend to do that thing that she never let Tom do.  Hee.

“Oh, great.  Now I gotta deal with the fact that some other guy is letting her slap him on the ass with kosher hot dogs.”

Credits.  We should make up a name for that sexual act, for letting someone slap you on the ass with a kosher hot dog.  How about . . . Franking?  (Like frankfurters.)  Or . . . Furting?  Something like that.

Time for the PTA meeting at the school library.  Oh no, the president is late!  By 45 minutes!  Who could be this irresponsible?  Oh, right.  Gabby.  They need to plan teacher appreciation night but nobody wants to do anything because Gabby wasted their time.  So everyone leaves, except for one lady who doesn’t say anything, which is awkward and weird.

Bree’s pastor comes by to shame and embarrass her for not coming to church for 5 Sundays.  Just like Jesus would do!  Bree apologizes and says she doesn’t feel like she deserves God’s love these days.

“Girl, you got yourself a fairy son and a skankass daughter.  Of course you don’t deserve God’s love!  Now go get me a scone before I smite you, bitch.”

He says that God’s love is easy to find again especially if you help out the needy.  Apparently, Australian Ben (remember him?  He was on the show for about 5 minutes) works with the homeless.  Of course he does.  Also, Bree made scones so she gave the pastor his pastry-boner for the week.

Susan is nervous for the art class and tells some Asian art chick that she’s going to use the pain of her son not saying goodbye to her this morning in her work.  Asian art chick is all, “I’m going to use my father’s suicide.”  Hee.  Also, holy shit, Susan has so much she can use!  Wandering spleen, kidney failure, divorce, her ex-husband getting hit by a g.d. plane, her ex-husband cheating on her and leaving her to raise her kid alone, being kidnapped and almost killed because of some beige crazy dude’s dizzy schemes, her mom lying to her about her real dad, being held at gunpoint by a 17 year-old — I could go on and on and on.  But fine, Suzy-Q.  If you want to use your 9 year-old kid not saying goodbye this morning as your pain, then fine.  Go with that.  Also, they’re doing nude work today.  And even though the guy is too muscle-y for me, here you go:

Susan’s all, “Whoa!” and says it’ll take some getting used to.  Um, not to bitch, since I’m glad they actually used Susan’s illustrator past last week, but if she went to an art school, why does this surprise her?  And yes, I know that this is a show and this part is supposed to be “cute” entertainment, but seriously?  It just bugs me.  Andre tells them to think of the form as a human object and wonder about — Honestly, Susan just laughs at a bunch of what she thinks are double entendres about the dude’s penis.  If I were the teacher I’d probably kick her out.  Rude.  Rudeness.  Andre asks if she’s seen a penis before and asks her to be professional, but she keeps giggling.  Well, so much for the “I wonder whose plot I’ll hate the most this week?” question.  Answer:  THIS ONE.

Carlos is at home sitting on the stairs when Gabby comes back from doing something vain and selfish.  Carlos says he can’t go into the living room to get his phone because he doesn’t like going in there.  Not because the decoration theme is hideous, but because of the Alejandro thing.  Gabby leads him to the kitchen, where she complains about the PTA meeting and figures out that, hey!  They’re just jealous of me!  Carlos looks forlornly at a bottle of liquor.

Aussie Ben gives Bree a tour of the homeless soup kitchen/shelter and is all, What did you do, since most people only help the needy for community service for doing something bad?

Ben!  That is a horrible stereotype!

Except that it’s totally apt.  Apt!  Bree’s like, I could ask you the same thing.  Touche, Van de Kamp.  Touche.  Bree says she just wants some meaning in her daily life.  And since whiskey can no longer fill that void, unfortunately, I guess helping others will have to suffice.  Ben says that the city council isn’t letting him build some low income housing and Bree says that’s sad, but she’s like, It’s not close to us, is it?  Ben says it’s not.  Which is a shame, because the folks of Wisteria Lane are so welcome to those who want to better the lives of the unfortunate and give people a second chance in life.

And by “welcome” I mean “shoot in the chest.”

Ben has to leave so he leaves Bree in charge of aiding the chef, which consists of opening a big can of soup.  Bree’s not happy with this, saying that the homeless still have taste buds.  So she whips up some acorn squash soup and the chef loves it.

Back at the art class, Andre says that since there were some problems with the last class *cough* Susan Delfino *cough* they won’t have nude models for the next class.  No, they’ll be painting in the nude instead.  First of all, I would drop that class like Lindsay Lohan drops a glass of non-whiskey-ed up Diet Pepsi.  Second of all — Um, lawsuit much?  Third of all, I would NOT drop said class if the professor was Miguel Ferrer and he painted in the nude as well.  I’m sorry, he’s just so damn sexy.  Painting naked is supposed to free something within you.  Like your boner.  I’m guessing.

Didn’t Felicity Huffman used to be in this show?  Or Vanessa . . . Vanessa . . . something . . . I vaguely remember someone walking around with a wine glass and saying bitchy things . . . Hmmm . . .

So I guess Gabby’s called another PTA meeting to apologize to everyone for blowing them off for a massage.  She brought in a masseur, someone to do hair, and someone to do nails, so they no longer have to be jealous of her.  And she can leave to meet her travel agent.  Really?  People still use travel agents?  Whatevs.  The ladies thank her and let Gabby know that she can count on them.  When Gabby leaves, the ladies plan to take advantage of the spa day but not do anything for the teacher appreciation function.  Diabolical!

Oh, hey, Lynette!  Oh, hey, Renee!!!!  Renee walks into Lynette’s house as Lynette’s on her laptop, but Lynette slams it shut quickly.  Renee:  “Busted!  That was a porn slam if I’ve ever seen one!”  Hahahaha!  Porn slam!  I love it!  Has that phrase existed before now?  Because I don’t get out much and I live in a place where everyone is just now starting to say, “Talk to the hand,” and “Don’t go there,” so I’m not sure.  Renee’s like, What are you into?  “Fuzzy whispers, cinnamon cakes, poodling?”  Hahaha!  That reminds a bit of Strangers With Candy and/or Will & Grace.  Love it.  Who wrote this ep?  Wikipedia away!  It is Dave Flebotte, who sadly joined DH after the shark-jumping of Season 5.  Well, good on ya for this one, Dave.  Good on ya.  Lynette tells Renee that she was just looking at her video introduction for a dating website.  She shows it to Renee, whose face says it all:

“I have to kill myself now.  I have to wash myself with gasoline and kill myself.”

I’m sure you’ve watched the episode and are just here for my keen observations about continuity and sparkling wit and (more likely) screengrabs of half-naked men, but Lynette’s video is so awkward and hilarious that I have to quote it in it’s entirety:  “Hi, I’m Lynette!  I’m 35 to 45ish.  I’m a Cancer, and I beat cancer.  Coincidence or not?  You decide. (Awkward laugh.)”  HAHAHAHA!  You really should see that onscreen if you haven’t.  About 16:30 into the episode.  Renee tells her that the men on internet dating sites are hideous losers who “crop out their manboobs.”  Hee.  She offers to take Lynette to a bar to meet men.  Renee says she’ll take her out on Friday since Ben broke off their date for some friggin’ charity building crap.

Mike comes downstairs for breakfast.  Also, Susan’s making eggs.  Also, she’s naked.  She tells Mike that she needs to shed her inhibitions for her art and paint in the nude during next class, so she’s trying to get used to it.  There’s probably some side-boob action in here somewhere, but I’m not looking for that, I have to be honest.  I don’t think you are either, actually.  Mike’s all, Wow that art guy is smart — he gets to see a bunch of naked people in the name of “art.”  Which kind of reminds me of the time at SAIC (my beloved art school) when I saw a posting on a board from someone looking for people to perform in a porn film (i.e., willing to actually have sex on film), that was supposed to deconstruct gender assumptions or something like that (isn’t that a description for, like, 75% of all art?), and it was a bonus if the person was transgendered.  And I think you’d have to have sex with transgendered people.  Only in art school could you get away with that shit.  Once, I saw a “performance art” piece in which a girl made me eat a semi-rotten apple (I was in the front row, sadly) as she talked about Gertrude Stein while taking her top off.  I swear to god, that actually happened.  And it was followed by a “sound performance piece” where some husky dude played a bunch of static feedback LOUDLY and yelled, “OBEY YOUR OBITUARY!” into a microphone for 10.  F**king.  Minutes.  It seemed like 20 years.  If my friend Amy reads this, she can totally corroborate.  So, sometimes, the truth is just as strange as fiction, people.

Susan puts a robe on and is all, Harumph, I’m just gonna quit art-ing.  Mike tells her not to quit.  Susan says that she’ll get used to people seeing her naked all day and just then, Lee is at the door, so Susan decides that she’ll use this opportunity to show everyone how artful her boobs and junk are.  Except that Lee also has Bob’s mom at the door, so it’s just mortifying for everyone.

Okay, DH.  I.  Have had.  Enough.  Of Lee!

THIS.  THIS IS WHAT I WANT.  OKAY!?

Over at the soup kitchen, Bree’s food is a hit, not just with the homeless, but with some douchey college student who’s not homeless, which isn’t cool.  But it turns out to be cool when the guy says that he just wrote a rave about her food on his blog which has been Tweeted 200 times and Facebook and MySpace and GeoCities and AltaVista and Super Nintendo blah blah blah.  So Bree’s cool with all of that.

Mike’s cleaning out his garage.  With his shirt on.  Carlos shows up and asks if Susan’s home, but she’s at class, so he’ll stop by later.  Mike says that’s not a good idea.  He tells Carlos that if he had killed Alejandro, he would have called the cops and not involved everyone else’s wives.  He tells Carlos to leave Susan alone and find her own way to deal.  Carlos says it helps to talk to her, but Mike says it doesn’t help Susan.  Carlos says he won’t talk to Susan anymore.

“But you are my friend.  So I will still strip you nude and rub baby oil all over your hot, naked body, as long as you do the same to me.”

*Sigh*  Fine.  Susan shows up late to class, and naked, but when she walks in, everyone else is fully clothed!  Hahahaha!  I have to say, I didn’t expect that.  Andre says that the school put the “kibosh” (yay!  Someone actually used that word!) on the whole thing and he sent out an email saying that the naked day was canceled.  Wow, you really went all out there, Teach.  I would think a note on the outside of the door saying, “Naked day canceled!” would have covered all the bases, but okay then.  Susan’s all, You didn’t send me an email because you hate me!  Andre is all, I could care less about you, put your damn clothes on.  Susan refuses, dammit, because she signed up for a painting class, not to be some “egomaniac’s” pawn.  Susan quits, dammit!

Bree is welcoming non-homeless people to her soup kitchen saying that there’s a lovely Italian wedding soup today.  The pastor comes by to shit all over Bree’s parade.  Just like Jesus!  He tells her that charity isn’t supposed to make someone feel important.  Bree says that’s just a bonus.  Pastor Scones tells Bree that ever since she’s fancied-up the place, the homeless people don’t feel welcome any more.  Bree took away their feeling of home, which sucks.  Bree is shamed.  Way to go, Pastor!  Bree tells the hipsters to go somewhere else because this place is for the homeless.  Ben watches Bree give this little speech and then tells her that she can help him with the city council low-income housing speech.

Andre shows up at Susan’s house (he sent the email to her campus email, which she didn’t even now she had) and tells her to come back to the class.  He says he’ll do anything he can — yelling, making her get naked — to stop her from being scared.  Andre says Susan acts like she’s hiding something and he’ll pull it out of her and then she’ll be an artist.  Yay!  Art!

Gabby brings a big bunch of flowers to the school gym for the teacher’s appreciation event.  She wonders why everyone is just lying around doing nothing.  The lady with the stupid beehive is a poor man’s Megan Mullally.  They’re all just big beyotches to Gabyy, so she tells them that she’ll put the whole thing together in 2 hours for the event.  She calls Carlos to get him to come over and help and Carlos says he’ll totally do it.  One problem: Carlos is drunk.  Or almost drunk.  He’s had a lot to drink, I guess they’re inferring.

Renee and Lynette are at the bar and even though Lynette is nervous and doesn’t want to be there, she sticks around . . . To bitch to Renee about meeting Tom and how she thought she was done dating and now it sucks.  Renee’s all, You’re right, Ben is a 10 and I should be with him and not out looking for men in a bar at my age!  So Renee leaves.  Hee.

Gabby is having trouble with the sound system, but Carlos shows up just in time to save the day.  Or maybe he’ll just stumble around drunkenly and knock over some chairs and embarrass Gabby.  She tells him to leave, but he insists on staying.  Cindy — the bee-hived Megan Mullally Mini-Me — gives Gabby a thoughtful look, tells all the girls to get stuff ready for the event, telling Gabby to take care of her husband.  It’s actually kind of a touching moment.

Some guy comes up to Lynette and OHMIGOD!

IT’S CLIFF!

From Veronica Mars!  Oh, Cliff.  You and your sexy voice which adds about 68% more sexiness to your cute self.  Oh man, between Daran Norris and Miguel Ferrer, this is the sexiest-voiced episode in the history of Desperate Housewives!  Anyway.  The guy’s name is Phil.  Lynette mentions that she had to get a sitter for tonight and Phil’s like, Ohhhhhhhhhh great, you have kids.  Then Lynette spills her guts about her 5 kids and her husband and how they’re just separated.  And then Phil leaves.  Then some guy shows up in a tie that lights up.  Then some guy comes up and is all, You’re Porter and Preston’s mom and made the best grilled cheese!  She leaves and gives her car keys to the valet who turns out not to really be the valet.  He’s also the guy from Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place a.k.a. the worst-titled sitcom ever.  And I think he may have dated or married Kelly Kapowski or something.  I don’t know.  They bond over being too old to go out and having kids and being divorced and separated.  He asks her to go back in have some drinks so they can talk some more.  Yay!

Later, he takes her back to his place.  Oh, I really hope he’s not a one-off guy.  It’d be sweet if Lynette had a cute boyfriend for a couple of episodes.  OR.  If she has sex with him tonight.  That’d be fun, too.  They sit on the couch, and Lynette totally goes for it and starts making out with him!  Yay!  He goes to the bedroom and Lynette tries to get her wedding ring off, dropping it on the carpet, which is unfortunately shag.  Lynette sort of freaks out and the dude comes back to help her look for it.  He finds it, Lynette puts it back on, and then she promptly loses her lady-boner.  And then Lynette breaks down crying a bit and tells him that she’s hoping to work things out with her husband.  The guy is so completely sweet about it and says that he gets that she’s not ready yet.  Oh no!  I hope he comes back!

Bree’s giving her speech to the city council and blahing about “community” and being personally involved in the project.  They all clap when she’s done and she tells Ben that she wants to help Ben as much as possible.  Ben says he’ll take her out to the construction site tomorrow.

Mary Alice talks about playing roles and destiny and how those roles can change.  Gabby pours alcohol down the drain.  And the next morning, Ben takes Bree out to the land where he wants to build his low-income miracle Jerry’s Kids charity building . . . which happens to be the exact same place where the ladies buried Alejandro’s body.  Oopsie daisies!

No one sent in any memories this week!  It’s okay.  We have about 17 more episodes!