Desperate Housewives Recap: Fairview’s Un-Finest

Bridal shower!  And of course, Bree is hosting it with party favors and flowers and elegant treats and traditional gifts.  Like mixing bowls.  Lame.  Renee wants something that “buzzes,” if you know what I mean.  Bree says she has the perfect thing:  “I used to do it by hand, but this gets the job done so much faster.”  Hee.

“Did you –?”  “Yes.  Yes I did.  I heard that.  And I’m trying ever so hard to keep these mini quiches down.”  “MORE WINE PLEASE!”

Turns out it’s an immersion blender, boo.  No one got any dildos for Renee, but it’s cool, because Gabby hired a male stripper or two.  Sweet!  They show up, but they’re incredibly ugly, so they can’t be strippers.  And they’re not — they’re cops, arresting Bree for the murder of Ramon Sanchez.  Oh, dip!  Credits.

Mary Alice says that no matter how much we plan, things might get messy sometimes.  Like combining food and sex.  Sure, that whipped cream sounds like it’d be fun to lick off your lover’s nipples, but it’s just going to make you full, sleepy, and gassy.  I’ve heard . . . Bob gets Bree out of jail, because he’s Super TV Lawyer.  Back home, she tells the gals that the only things the cops have on her is the letter from stupid Orson and some “cryptic” phone call that can be explained away.  Also, there’s Bree’s “fingerprint on a button” of Ramon’s shirt.  A fingerprint.  On a f**king button.

“Your fingerprints are just like snowflakes.  They’re both very pretty.”

Susan and Lynette say they’re all in this together, but Gabby doesn’t want Carlos to go to jail.  Bree says the police have nothing on her and besides — she doesn’t have a family or a job anymore, so what the heck?  The other gals think that she’s being incredibly generous.  Really.  Really, ladies.  So, what, 3 or 4 episodes ago you thought Bree was the biggest bitch since . . . since . . .

This’ll do.

Don’t f**k with Madonna, Elton.  Do not.  EVER.  To continue:  NOW Bree is generous and a saint?  What has changed since before?  NOTHING.  This kind of pisses me off, you guys.  I’m miffed that the ladies have done a complete 180 on their feelings about Bree.  I’m glad they don’t hate her anymore, but still, seriously?  (Deep breaths, Hypnotoad, deep breaths, only four episodes left, let it go, let it go . . .)  Bob says that Bree needs a criminal defense attorney.  Oh, wait, Bob’s NOT a criminal defense attorney?  Because I kind of remember him representing one of the twins in court when one of those red-headed Damon bastards was accused of setting the fire at that lame nightclub, but . . . (four more episodes, let it go . . .).  All right.  Fine.  The gals offer to pay for the attorney (rightfully so), but Bree again says there’s nothing to worry about.

Meanwhile, Fairview’s un-finest are hot on the case of Ramon Sanchez and his dead-ness.  That cop who still has a boner for Chuck . . . I should really see what his character’s name is.  Hang on.  Wikipedia says he’s Detective Murphy.  We’ll just call him Murphy.  Anyway, Murphy is still going on about getting evidence to convince Bree (“I think she’s the reason Chuck’s dead.”  Dude, Bree is the reason A LOT of people are dead.), and if they keep digging, they’ll find something.

Over at the Solis house, Carlos doesn’t want Bree to take the fall for him, but Gabby says that it’ll be his third strike so he’ll be away for life.  Plus, there’s not enough evidence to convict Bree.  Wow, everyone keeps saying that, so it must be true!  Carlos says that’s awesome, but now that he’ll be helping people and junk, how can they afford a lawyer?  Oh, but Gabby has a new job at the department store, right?  That’s probably still not enough.  Gabby tells Carlos that the best thing for him to do is to do nothing.  Preferably with his shirt off.

God, Susan, you’re STILL not over Mike’s death?  Geez.  It’s been three episodes.  Move.  On.  She’s going through Mike’s clothes with the help of Lee, who is still a part of this show, apparently.  Susan gets mushy about Mike’s shoes and M.J. wanting to fill them, which makes Lee cry a little bit, and then Lee finds a mysterious locked box on a shelf in Mike and Susan’s closet.  Oh, Lee, I don’t know if you should open that.  I hear that’s where Mike kept the naked photos of myself that I kept mailing to him despite the restraining order.  What is in the forbidden mystery box?!

Susan’s all, Let’s crack that puppy open!  But Lee says the box is locked for a reason, so maybe they should leave it.  You know what?  I hope they open it and it’s like the last 5 minutes of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”

“OHMIGOD!  There was a Season 5 DVD inside!  AAAAAAAAAARGLEBLARGLEBLARG!”

How hot was Harrison Ford in “Temple of Doom?”  He gave me funny pre-teen feelings . . . down there . . .  Where was I?  Oh, right, Desperate Housewives.  Even though Susan says Mike had nothing to hide (um, Deirdre?  His painkiller addiction?  Shall I go on, Susan?), Lee still thinks she shouldn’t see it.  He says that she can go make some tea and he’ll open it.  If it’s just papers, he’ll tell her.  If not, he’ll decide if she needs to see it.  Because Lee is The Decider.

Renee is over at Lynette’s house to bitch about her wedding shower presents and is all, “What’s up with the cops in this town?”  THANK YOU!  She’s all, Last week it was with Ben and this week it’s with Bree, so what’s up with that?  Lynette changes the subject to Tom and how it’s his birthday and she’s making a cake for him, and last episode it didn’t go so well because he caught on fire.  Lynette says there was something there between them.  You know, before he was on fire.

Jane says she wants to throw a party for Tom’s birthday, but Tom says the kids are throwing him one on Thursday so there’s really no point.  And then Jane’s all, “We’ll have to find another way to celebrate.”  Dang, Jane is always horny, right?  Geez, Jane.  Hose yourself down, god.  Tom’s about to leave but Jane says he needs to take his divorce papers over to Lynette, but he doesn’t have the time.  Jane’s like, Anyone can bring them over, so she can just have a messenger do it.  How nice of you, Jane!  Tom puts the kibosh on that and heads out.

Lee comes downstairs and tells Susan that he couldn’t open the box, which is a lie.  Susan’s all, What’s in the box, what’s in the box?!  But Lee says that what’s in there doesn’t define Mike and he’s just trying to protect her.  She needs to trust him on this one.

“Did you know they make baked bean fetish porn?  Because I didn’t.  Until today . . .”

Susan lets Lee leave and doesn’t ask any more questions.

“So . . . Are the beans, like . . . still in the can, or . . . poured on . . . each other . . .  Are they BBQ or country-style . . . ?”

So many questions . . .  Gabby’s at work, trying to get some women to hire her as a personal shopper, but no one’s taking the bait.  Her manager or team lead or whatever says that in 6 months she’ll be raking in the sweet fashion dough.  Gabby needs some cashola like, prontito, so her manager says maybe she should go for male clients, because they’ll buy from a hottie like Gabby.  But she should take off her wedding ring, because I guess straight guys will buy satin socks from a chick if they think they can score.

Bree’s at the lawyer’s office.

“Dammit, Al!”

Maybe this leap . . . will be his leap home.  Also, how hot is Scott Bakula?  Super hot.  Bree gives him the skinny on her case.  She says there was the note from Orson, which Trip (Scott Bakula) poo-poos as Orson has a vendetta against her.  Then a phone call in which Bree “expressed remorse about putting a dead body in the ground.”  Trip says she was talking about burying a dead pet.  Fingerprints on the dead guy’s shirt?  “Noble that you donate so much clothing to good will” and that guy ended up with Bree’s old shirt.  But Trip won’t take the case because it’s not sexy enough.  After all, what jury would convict Bree?  Trip loves challenges and doesn’t see Bree’s case as such.

Back at The Whore Store, Gabby sidles up to some schmuck who’s looking for some socks.  She seductively caresses his ankle and tells him that he needs some kick-ass socks for his perfectly sculpted ankles.  And we flash-cut to the dude getting $40 socks and a cashmere sweater.  And we flash-cut to Gabby telling some silverfox that he needs expensive duds, and then another flash-cut to Gabby selling some more fancy duds to another schlub.

Susan can’t sleep because she thinks that Mike had drugs in the box, since he had a drug problem and those things never go away.  Julie (who is in bed with her, which is very sweet) says that it probably wasn’t drugs.  Susan thinks it was porn, which she’s cool with, as long as it was nothing weird.

“Baked beans are one thing, but I draw the line at that filthy whore called creamed corn.”

Totally, Susan.  Susan’s obsessing but Julie tells her to trust Lee, because she doesn’t want to see something that would tarnish her memory of Mike.  But Susan isn’t satisfied and at 2 a.m., she goes over to Lee’s house to badger him into showing her what’s in the box.  And what was in that box?  Not much, except a checkbook.  It turns out Mike set up an account when he and Susan were divorced and he wrote checks to a Jenny Hernandez, a woman/girl Susan’s never heard of.  Also, there are a child’s drawings in the box, so Mike had another child or something.  Oopsie daisies!

Lynette’s making a cake for Tom when Jane shows up to ruin everything.  Stupid Jane and her stupid pant suits.  She’s dropping off some stuff that Penny left at her house and then she’s taking Tom out to dinner for his birthday.  Lynette’s also making Tom’s favorite cake — a green velvet cake.  Turns out Tom wanted a red velvet cake for his first birthday with Lynette, but all she had was green food coloring.  Apparently, Tom and Lynette met in a universe without grocery stores.  It’s a tradition that Lynette and Tom have had for 25 years, and if Lynette has her way, they’ll continue to celebrate.  Jane has to ruin everything by giving Lynette the divorce papers and telling her that Tom’s already signed them.  EVIL!  Lynette throws globs of green cake all over Jane’s pretty doctor pant suit.

Carlos isn’t really thrilled about Gabby taking off her wedding ring and flirting with men to get paid, but then again, Carlos hasn’t really been thrilled about anything Gabby’s done over the past 8 seasons.  Gabby tells him not to worry about anything, because it’s just work.  Which is probably the motto of the prostitute’s union.  If there is one.  And there probably is.

Tom’s waiting for Jane at the bar of a fancy restaurant, when Lynette crashes the party.  Again.  She confronts him about the divorce papers, but he wants to talk about it later.  Lynette tries to pull more info out of him and he reveals that he signed the papers about a week ago, but he didn’t mean for Jane to break the news.  Lynette asks him if he wants to end their marriage.  Tom hesitates and says nothing, so Lynette signs the papers too.  No!  Lynette almost backs into someone when she’s leaving the parking lot and then she breaks down and sobs.  Sad.  I’ll confess:  I wish this show had another season in it, because there’s probably going to be a hasty wrap-up to this storyline.  I wish it could continue on into another season because it needs some more time to breathe.

Tom’s back at the house with Jane and he.  Is.  Pissed!  Jane says that she thought she was being helpful by bringing the papers over.  She wants them to move forward but Tom says it’s not the time and it’s not that easy to just dissolve a 25 year relationship.  Jane loves Tom, but he has to stop thinking about Lynette’s needs and start caring about hers.  Tom says he’ll never stop caring about Lynette because she’s the mother of his children and Jane needs to decide whether she can live with that.

Susan and Julie show up at the house where Jenny Hernandez greets them and says she’s sorry for their loss.  Susan asks about the checks and Jenny says that they weren’t for her; they were for Laura.  You guys might want to grab a hankie.  I’ll wait.  Are you back?  Okay.  Turns out Laura is Mike’s sister and she lives in a home for autistic adults.   Mike visited her every Monday, telling Susan that he had softball.  She wonders why Mike never told her about Laura and why he had to hide Laura from her.  I’m actually wondering that, too . . .

The detectives are at a motel, asking the lady if she remembers a Ramon Sanchez that stayed the night there like 6 months ago.  The lady says she doesn’t, but maybe she kept some stuff that he left behind in his room.  Whatever.  Apparently she does this a lot.  Sure.  And of course she has a bunch of stuff that Ramon happened to leave behind, including a map with Wisteria Lane circled on it.  The smart detective says that it doesn’t connect the dude with Bree.  And then dumb ole Detective Murphy blatantly writes Bree’s address on the map while the other detective isn’t looking.

Sneaky.

Who’s the worse detective?  Murphy for evidence tampering or the other dude who doesn’t even notice that the guy half a foot away from him is taking out his pen and writing on a map?  This is lame.  Couldn’t they have the other detective drop something on the floor and pick it up while Murphy does this?  It’s making both of them look incompetent, really.  This is why I have no faith in the Fairview P.D.

Bree’s back at the police station for questioning.  Murphy comes in and says that Ramon wrote her address on the map.  Bree’s honestly confused, because this actually doesn’t make any sense.  She goes outside to get some water and who should be there but Trip, who sees Bree getting a little upset.  She tells him that they found some other evidence and goes back inside.  Trip shows up and serves up some lawyer-y whoop-ass on Murphy.  He’s taking Bree’s case!  Yay!  As they leave, Trip tells Bree that even though she didn’t kill Ramon, she sure as hell knows who did.

Speaking of Carlos, he and Gabby are out for dinner.  Carlos says it’s expensive, but Gabby says that she wants to treat him.  Obviously, one of Gabby’s clients shows up.  Gabby introduces Carlos as her brother and hands him her wedding ring.  The dude asks why Carlos’s hot sister is still available.  Carlos:  “My guess is that it’s the herpes.”  Hee.  Carlos gets huffy and leaves.  Outside, Gabby’s pissed because that’s what her job entails and brings up the fact that Carlos wanted Gabby to flirt with all his clients.  Touche.  Carlos says it’s different, though, and he doesn’t like it.  Gabby tells him to suck it because she’s the breadwinner now and then Carlos gets pissed because . . . Ohmigod, do we even need a reason anymore?  These two are NEVER happy.  Carlos quits his job to help people and then bitches because Gabby’s making more money than he is?  Asinine.  Carlos is bothered that Gabby is making the money and calling the shots.  Gabby says that he better get used to it.  Meh.  Remember this same plot last year?  And in season 6?  And in seasons 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1?  Cuz I do.

Julie stayed up all night reading old letters that were in Mike’s box and she found some from Mike’s mom.  Turns out Mike didn’t even know about Laura until 8 years ago and Mike’s parents weren’t up for dealing with a child with special needs.  Which is kind of sad, but honestly, if you don’t think you can be a good parent to a kid with special needs then maybe it’s for the best that you don’t raise the child.  But I’m not a parent (thank god), so I’m probably getting into controversial territory that will make, like, 50 people who don’t even watch this show comment on this recap about stuff like this, so I’m just going to move on.  Mike’s mom wrote a letter to him about how she feels so horrible but life with Mike’s dad was hard enough and keeping Laura would have been “an inconvenience that might have destroyed everything.”  Mike’s mom didn’t want Mike to tell Susan and her family because she didn’t want them knowing what kind of “horrible” person she was.  Again, not sure Mike’s mom was “horrible,” but whatever.  So Mike was keeping a secret for his mom.  Susan says she’ll continue to write checks to Laura.  If you’re wondering why we’re burdened with this heartening but ludicrous plot line, we’ll just get to the reason right now:  Julie feels like she’d be giving away her daughter because she’s an inconvenience, so she’s going to keep her baby.  Did we have any doubt that this would happen?  Nope.  It was inevitable, so there you go.  No one ever has abortions or actually gives their kids up for adoption on TV, folks, unless it happened in the past.

Well, Mary Alice is going to wrap things up with talk about plans and the unexpected and pushing people away and junk.  And Detective Murphy isn’t swayed by the fact that Trip is Bree’s lawyer and is totally stoked for the moment “that bitch goes to jail.”  Oy.

I liked last week’s episode, but this one was pretty much a detour through Sucktown on the way to Meh-ville State Park.  There will be a bit of a hiatus until April 29th, so I’ll see you then.  In the meantime, why not watch a classic DH episode and email your thoughts about your favorite scenes to dhtvgasm08@gmail.com?  If you haven’t already done that, you’ll be entered into a drawing for one of the DH DVDs!  (Standard version — Daddy doesn’t make Blu-Ray money, kids.)

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