Desperate Housewives Recap: Flashback Forward Or Something

Someone died last week, so let’s get started with the requisite “flashback to that dead or about to die or about go to jail person that we may (Edie) or may not (Stranglin’ Eddie) care about” episode.  Seriously, why did we need one for Eddie?  Also, if you’re wondering where Mary Alice was for this episode, it seems that the writers followed continuity — Mary Alice never met Mike Delfino.  Let’s just get started.

Mary Alice talks about how women on Wisteria Lane have problems.  Really?  This is the first I’m hearing about this.  But you know who has the worst problem?

Probably Susan.

All the girls hear the gunshot and come running, although if I lived on Wisteria Lane, I’d be all, “Meh, it’s just another gunshot.  Oh, well, I guess I’ll have some more Jim Beam!  I love mornings . . .”  Credits.  Afterwards, the cops are digging at the construction site and find Alejandro’s body.  I kind of thought he was covered in cement, but whatever.

Gabby’s up first, because, well, she always is in these sort of episodes, it seems.  She and Carlos are getting ready for Mike’s funeral when Carlos brings up the fact that he wants to be a counselor and “help people.”  Selfish bastard.  Carlos says it seems like it’s the perfect day to discuss it because Mike died helping people.  Um, no, Carlos — he died walking back into his house.  Duh.

And then Julie’s helping Susan pick out some clothes for her husband’s funeral, but Susan isn’t, for some reason, completely excited about it.  The pastor stops by (not Bree’s pastor, some other one).  He’s Episcopalian and wants to go over the service, but for some reason, Susan’s not too excited about it.  He asks Susan if she wants to say something at the service, but for some reason, Susan’s not too excited about that.  And then the pastor says the most ridiculous thing:  “It’s going to be okay.”

“Maybe you should go home and f**k yourself before I punch you in the face.  Christ be with you.”

Seriously, what an absolutely shitty thing to say.  Didn’t Jesus or Moses or that burning bush say something about comfort or condolence or something?  I’m pretty sure he/he/it did.

“And lo, I tell ye to go forth and proclaim that indeed Mike Delfino doth look sexy with his shirt off.”

Susan’s like, Yeah nothing will EVER BE OKAY AGAIN.  The pastor’s all, Oh, um gee, was it something I said?  YES.

Tom and Jane show up at Lynette’s house, having caught the first le plane out of le France when they le heard about Mike’s le death.  Lynette and Tom reminisce about how fun it was when they went to some cabins with Mike and Susan and Lynette starts crying and Tom comforts her and then Jane has to spoil the moment.

“Would it make you feel better if I told you that Tom and I had mind-blowing sex in France?  And then twice on the plane on the way over?”

Probably not, Jane.  Geez.  Jane says that Mike seemed like a good guy and then they decide to get going to the funeral, with Lynette riding separately.

Renee shows up at Bree’s to tell her that she’s not going to the funeral because she feels guilty because Mike beat up the dude who was out to get her and then that dude shot him everyone will think she’s responsible.

“Oh, you poor dear.  Of course they will.  Because you’re a minority.”

Bree’s like, Today’s about Mike, not your guilt, so get your ass in a black dress and join me at the church, beyotch.  But of course, after Renee leaves, the cops stop Bree and tell her that they need to talk to her about a missing person’s thing, like now.  Wow.  Way to show respect for the dead, Officer Bad Timing.  Why do the Fairview Police always wait until there’s something important to question people.  They’re all like, “Oh, Timmy Whiteass is getting baptized today.  Let’s go arrest his dad for selling pot right in the middle of the ceremony.”  Whatever.  Go back to doing nothing like usual, Fairview P.D.  Also, I hope that cop who told Mike and Susan that he’d “send a patrol car by” is feeling like absolute shit right now.

Okay, NOW it’s time for Gabby’s flashback, because she’s always first.  She flashes back to picking out a wedding dress for her wedding with Carlos.  It’s expensive, but Gabby wantee.  GABBY WANTEE!  But you know who doesn’t want Gabby to get that dress?  Carlos’s mom.

Huh.  She actually looks older in the past.  I wonder why.

Carlos tries to mediate, but Mama Solis is making cracks about how Gabby shouldn’t wear white.  Gabby goes to the dressing room and overhears Mama talking about how Gabby is a gold-digga (oh shit she’s a gold digga!) and Carlos tells her not to come to the wedding if she’s going to be a puta about the gold digga (oh shit she’s a gold digga!).  He says he’ll work 24 hours a day just to make Gabby happy.  And then Gabby comes out and asks for some diamond earrings.

Flash forward . . . flashback forward?  Flash to . . . f**k it:  It’s years later and now Gabby’s frumpy with her two kids and complaining about her kids being sick and blah blah blah and Carlos can’t help out because there are clients from Japan coming in the morning and blah blah blah. Gabby is freaking out about the sick kids and needs a massage — Carlos says he’ll take care of the girls because his family is more important than Japanese clients.

Flash forward again to Carlos in the rehab center.  Gabby’s there to visit him — with tacos, yay! — but Carlos already has a visitor.

“Aw, Gabby, we were just about to take our shirts off and practice wrestling and stuff!”

Gabby’s not happy that Mike gets to visit but she doesn’t.  Even though Mike is helping Carlos with his addiction (remember in season 4 when Mike was ridiculously addicted to pain medication?  Yeah.  A low-spot in an otherwise pretty awesome season.), Gabby is still pissed off, so she flees the room on her Huffy bike.

“If I don’t practice french kissing with Mike, how am I supposed to get any better?!”

God, Gabby!  Seriously!  Mike catches up with Gabby to tell her that her visits to the center are hard because Carlos doesn’t want Gabby to see him like this.  And he’s maybe scared that Gabby might leave him if he can’t provide for her anymore.  Flash back (forward) to the funeral, where Gabby tells Carlos that Mike was a great guy and so is he.  And she tells Carlos that he should be a counselor.  Yay!  Carlos, you can counsel me!  ON SEX.

Oh, Lynette.  What’s in that pretty little blonde mind of yours?  What are you thinking about?

Oh.  You’re . . . you’re thinking of Tom in a ridiculous and unflattering haircut.  I guess . . . I guess that’s fine . . .

Completely unflattering.  Anyway, it’s Lynette and Tom’s first date.  Annnnnnnnnd BIG continuity error here as they discuss telling H.R. that they’re dating.  Cuz I’m pretty sure they met in college, right?  Unless they’re interns or something . . . Oh, you guys, I’m too tired to discuss this continuity error right now.  Can we save it for the comments?  Please?  You’re the best.  Or the worst.  Depending on your answer.  Lynette says she doesn’t want kids and a house in the suburbs because in 7 years she’s going to be v.p. of the company (although she is partial to white picket fences).  I really hope that works out for he — oh.  Right.

Flash forward (but still back) to Tom showing Lynette the house on Wisteria Lane he just bought for them.  Lynette’s hesitant.  Tom points out that there’s a white picket fence, just like Lynette talked about on their first date, except Lynette says she never said such a thing.  Then Tom utters the line that he will say over and over again for the rest of his life with Lynette:  “I’m sorry I did this without you.”  But he knew she’d love it and junk, because he knows her better than anyone.  Uh-huh.

Let’s move on to when Tom moved out of the house, shall we?  Mike’s helping him pack his stuff up and Tom tells Lynette that he wants the portable CD player, because how else can he play his CDs?  Unless it’s 1990, I’m willing that you could probably play them on your computer, Mr. Vice-President of Marketing or Whatever.  When he goes to get it, Mike asks Lynette how she is.  She’s pretty bummed, given the circumstances.  Mike tells Lynette to fight harder for Tom because everyone knows that they’re supposed to be together.  She says that time apart will help, but Mike says it won’t because people just grow apart further and he kicks himself for taking so long to get back together with Susan.  He hopes that Lynette and Tom get back together before it’s too late.

Back in real time, McCluskey tells Lynette not to let the fact that Jane is here with Tom bother her.  Oh, but Lynette ain’t bothered, because Tom and Jane won’t last much longer.  Because she decided to do something about it.  Stay tuned for next week!

At the hoosegow, Bree flashes back to how she first learned to manipulate men.  She’s with her mom . . . Okay, so remember when Carol Burnett showed up as Bree’s stepmom?  Well, 1.) That was awesome, and 2.) how old was Bree when her mom died?  Someone should check on that, because it’s important and I don’t want to.  Her mom (who has a vague southern accent for some reason) is making a pie, so Bree asks to help with the homemade whipped cream.  Also, her mom can teach her how to “be a woman.”  First time I heard this, I said, “Ew.  What?  She’s like 9!”  But as the scene goes on, Mama tells Bree that she’s old enough to learn about “the mask.”  Bree wonders what “the mask” is, exactly.

“Oh, it’s a less-than-mediocre and possibly borderline funny mid-90s film starring Jim Carrey and a horribly lackluster Cameron Diaz.  Mommy can only stand to watch it while puffing on one of her gigglesticks.”

(Psssst — she means marijuana.)  Bree’s mom says that all well-brought-up women conceal their emotions when dealing with men.

“Botox helps!”

Why, yes it does, Jenny, thanks!  Bree’s mama says that if a man knows how you’re really thinking, it gives a man power over you.  I.e., if a man knows that you love him, he’ll take you for granted and be a total dick.  Mama’s told her husband that she loves him, but she can’t use her mask anymore, so now she has to do things to distract Bree’s daddy, like making him his favorite pie.

“Or putting on a bear costume and pouring mango salsa all over myself while singing Appalachian folk songs at the top of my lungs.”

Um, that’s . . . well, it WOULD be distracting, so . . . I guess that’s something.  Bree’s mom says that her husband will so happy to have pie that he won’t see the devastation in her eyes.  Wow.  That’s some pie.  And then her mom says that a friend saw Mama’s husband’s car in a parking lot of a motel right next to his secretary’s car.  Maybe they were at a conference, Bree’s Mom.  Did you think of that before you made Devastation a la Mode?  You did not.  She makes Bree practice her mask and perfect her “hint of a smile,” so she’ll have power over men.

Flash forward (but still back) to a night when Bree and Rex come home after a party and Bree’s being passive-aggressive.  Which means it’s any day that ends in “y.”  Rex is upset that Bree is being “plastic-faced,” but he’s probably more upset that Bree isn’t walking on his gentles in stilettos like he REALLY wants.  And in this case, that’s not sarcasm.  That’s probably what he really wants.  Rex is pissed that Bree won’t loosen up and talk to him and Bree reveals that she’s not safe revealing her thoughts to him.  Bree tells Rex that he paid a compliment to Gabby, saying that she was the most gorgeous woman he’d ever met, and that made Bree feel inadequate.  Rex thinks that Bree’s being ridiculous and she’s “dumb to feel those things.”  Wow.  Flashback Rex is an asshole.  Bree takes a moment to think about her mom and then tells Rex that she’s serving Belgian waffles for breakfast, smiling that little smile that her mom taught her to smile . . .

Back at the hoosegow, the cop asks Bree if she’s met Ramon Sanchez (Alejandro).  She says she hasn’t, and the cop says that someone tipped them off that she killed Ramon.  Bree denies this, but of course, she does so rightfully, since she didn’t kill him.  She understands why she’s being questioned.  She smiles that smile and says she “absolutely did not” kill him.  Again, I don’t get why she’s being weird or why there’s stupid suspense-y music playing since Bree actually did NOT kill Alejandro.  The cop says that Bree is hard to read and she takes it as a compliment — the fact that the cop thinks she’s being dignified while responding to heinous allegations is, in fact, flattering.  And if there are no other questions, she needs to get going to Mike’s funeral.  Wasn’t the whole point of these flashbacks to include Mike?  Because Bree’s flashback scenes look like they were filmed a year or two ago and just shoved into this episode to pad it out.  Oh, and the cops now have Bree’s fingerprints on the coffee mug she was drinking out of.  Which is, of course, virtually impossible in the real world.

So, who’s left?  Is Bob going to flashback on the time he and Mike got drunk on Goldschlager and woke up spooning each other (after filming themselves doing it and emailing me the quicktime movie file)?  Is Li’l M.J. going to flashback on that one time this season that his dad actually talked to him?

“I legitimately have no memory of that.”

Okay, so it’s Susan’s turn.  She’s sitting in the pew, thinking about the night she and Mike got married (how sweet was that?  I miss season 3.) and how Mike carried her across the threshold.  Susan gives a whole speech about how she’s happy and Mike’s like, “Me too.”  And of course Susan isn’t satisfied and she’s a little drunk, so she wants a love poem from Mike.  All Mike can think of is something from his childhood:  “I love you once.  I love you twice.  I love you more than beans and rice.”

“Speak for yourself, dumbass.”

Juanita loves her some beans and rice!  And cake!  And no, that was not an joke about certain minorities.  I’m not insensitive.  It was a joke about fat kids.  So cool it.  Anyway, the whole poem sounds a lot like “Chicken Soup With Rice” by Maurice Sendak, so maybe the show couldn’t get the rights to it and had to go with a cheap knock-off.  I do not know.  Susan says she’ll take it.  WHY THE HELL HAVEN’T WE SEEN MIKE WITHOUT HIS SHIRT YET?

Flash forward (and yet, we’re still back) to Susan and Mike letting Bob help them with their will.  Have you ever noticed how any lawyer on a TV show is, like, EVERY lawyer?  In real life, there are about 10,000 types of lawyers, but on TV, *the same lawyer guy/girl* can represent you in court, help you with your will, prepare documents for company mergers, and handle your divorce.  I bet TV lawyers make kick-ass amounts of money.  Let’s short-hand this:  Susan doesn’t want to deal with the will because it’s morbid, Mike thinks it’s reasonable and needed, and Bob is just there to fulfill the terms of his contract with ABC and Cherry Productions.  They argue and then Susan concedes because it’s important that she and the baby she’s about to have  and then forget about in season 8 (M.J.) have money and junk if Mike dies.  And Mike won’t die suddenly, so the point is moot anyway, right?  Oh, right, yeah, I forgot.

Susan and M.J. are at a diner with Mike and they’re all eating burgers and no one is questioning why Mike still has his shirt on.  It’s Mike’s favorite place to eat.  M.J. says that Juanita told him that “Mrs. Van de Kamp’s boyfriend got killed by a car.”  And, you guys, it took me FOREVER to figure out that he was talking about Chuck.  I had to run through all of Bree’s boyfriends/husbands AND consult Wikipedia before I finally got it.  I need a drink.  And a nap.  Maybe I’ll just fall asleep with an open 40 of Bud Light next to my face and see what happens.  Anyway, Susan says that if they look both ways before crossing the street, they’ll be fine.  Except when you’re being stalked by a deranged-and-yet-completely-boring beige dude at a highway intersection, eh?  M.J. asks what happens when you die.  All that shit that’s happened to him and he’s JUST NOW asking about death?  Geez.  Susan tells him that you go to heaven when you die.

“Unless you’re a gypsy.  Or a filthy, dirty, thieving Buddhist.”

Susan!  Tolerance!  M.J. asks if everyone goes to heaven and Susan tells him that everyone M.J. knows will go to heaven, along with animals but not bugs and blah blah blah M.J. says that if all people and animals and bugs (Susan says bugs can go because other animals eat them) go to heaven, then isn’t heaven crowded?

“No, of course not.  Because there won’t be Hindus there.  Or any of those whore Methodists.”

Susan, what?!  I am not a fan of your hatred for other religions.  Susan says that heaven is actually perfect, so there’s no need to worry.  Mike tells M.J. that “this is heaven.”

“HOLY SHIT, I’M F**KING DEAD?!?! “

No, silly.  Daddy just means that eating cheeseburgers and going fishing together and watching football together when mom brings you guys some snacks — all of that is heaven.  Well.  I sure as crap hope M.J. isn’t severely disappointed when he dies and heaven isn’t anything like you — apparent heaven expert Mike Delfino — have told him it was like today.  Because M.J. could go someplace really horrible after he dies.

Or somewhere really confusing and kind of unsatisfying.

So this brings us back to the present, when Susan decides to say something at the funeral service.  Basically she says that she and Mike didn’t discuss what he wanted for his funeral and that some people said to her that Mike is “in a better place,” which she realizes is true.  Okay.  MAYBE I would say that “better place” thing at the funeral of someone who had terminal cancer and was in horrible pain for every effing day of her life, but I don’t think I’d say that someone was “in a better place” if he was inexplicably just effing shot in the chest unexpectedly.  Susan says that Mike IS in a better place — “in a diner eating cheeseburgers with his family.  And he’s fishing at a waterfall.  And he’s watching football with his son, yelling like a maniac.  So, since he has to be in all those wonderful places, I’m going to have to say goodbye to him now.”

“Mostly because there are only 5 episodes left and we need to get the ball rolling.”

Okay, fine, this part was sad, and I teared up.  Mostly because it was just sad for Susan.  But there were also tears of rage because there are FIVE F**KING EPISODES LEFT and Cherry killed Mike off for g.d. nothing.  Susan then says the “beans and rice” poem at Mike’s casket.

After the break, Renee/Vanessa Williams is singing “Amazing Grace.”  Her voice is actually better than I remember it on that sappy “Save the Best For Last” song.  I bet she had extra vocal coaching for her role in “Into the Woods” (wonderful musical, by the way).  And I guess if Vanessa Williams can only be seen in 3% of tonight’s episode, hearing her sing is somewhat of a compromise, because it is rather nice.  Funeral montage!  Pallbearers take out the casket.  Carlos, Tom, Bob, and Ben (seriously?) are all pallbearers, as well as two dudes I don’t know.  Where is Lee?  I mean, I understand he’s not a pallbearer, because he’s the “queeny” one on the show who can’t lift things, but it would have been nice to see him.  And it would have been very cute and nice for he and Susan to have a touching moment together, where Lee comforts her.  But hell, I don’t write for the show (although I should, because Mike would still be alive and Kayla would be back for revenge), so let’s stop this fantasizing and move on.  And then everyone goes to the gravesite.

Six Feet Under 2.0.  Sundays this fall.  Only on HBO.

More Renee/Vanessa singing to give us time to cry about how much we’ll miss James Denton’s hypnotic nipples.  And also about how sad this is for Susan.  And Julie.  And possibly M.J., if he remembers what his dad was like.

After the funeral, all the gals are eating Mike’s fave cheeseburgers at Bree’s house when Susan starts remembering all the things she’ll have to do — like call the cell phone co., teach M.J. to pitch for little league, check the tire pressure on the car and junk.  The others say they’ll help her with all that and more — they’ll do everything they can to “hold her up.”  It’s a nice moment . . .  Ruined by the fact that the Fairview P.D. are talking about arresting Bree, because of their magic fingerprint match.  Bree’s fingerprints (from a g.d. coffee cup) were effing found (on Alejandro’s g.d. dead body).  In real life?  Never happen.  Ah, but this is television, where anything is possible . . .

. . . But not everything is forgiven — I’m still f**king pissed at you, Cherry, you Delfino-killing bastard!

See you next week.