Desperate Housewives Recap: Funeral For a Fiend

 

Bree’s still holding the gun, and Mary Alice says that Bree wanted to die with “elegance and grace.”  I don’t think blowing your brains out in a shitty motel room is exactly dying with grace, but I guess there’s wine in a plastic cup so that makes up for it.  So Bree pours a glass of chardonnay, puts on her best nightgown, and writes a note.

“And so, because you’re such a g.d. bitch, Betty Applewhite, you will die alone. Sad and alone.  Suck it! — Bree Van De Kamp.”

Although it’s hard to kill yourself when someone knocks on the door and keeps spoiling it!  I hope it’s Betty Applewhite.  Bree’s like, “I don’t need turn down service.”  Um, sweetie?  There’s wood paneling on the walls.  I don’t think turn down service is one of the perks here.  An ice machine in the parking lot, maybe, but no turn down service.  Bree tells him/her to come back tomorrow.  “And you may want to bring a mop.”  Hee!  Turns out it’s not Betty Applewhite at the door — it’s the other black lady, Renee.  And she’s pissed.  She kicks in the door and is all, Where’s Ben, you red-headed whore?!  Bree tells her to go and Renee’s like, “You’re a middle-aged skank in a Nancy Reagan nightgown.”  Hee!  But then Renee finds the gun and the note and she’s like, Bree . . .?  Bree starts bawling and I must say, Marcia Cross is bringing it this season.  It’s a very heartbreaking scene.  Renee and Bree hug and Bree sobs.  Fun!  Credits.

Mary Alice says that keeping secrets is a lonely business.  Now, I don’t like being alone, so I never keep secrets, so I’ll just tell you now that our mutual friend Lisa was actually born a man.   Yay!  Now we’re best friends!  Which brings us to Lynette and Tom.  Tom didn’t go to Paris and he’s a little upset about that.  And he’s also upset about the fact that Lynette is an accessory to murder.  Lynette tells Tom that Chuck’s opening an investigation so she’ll probably be arrested.  Tom’s all, How could you let this happen?  “Out of the four, you’re supposed to be the smart one!”  Hee!  Who wrote this episode?  I’m already digging it.  Penny and Parker come downstairs so Tom and Lynette put the fight on pause for a sec.  Tom says he’ll figure out a way to fix this and then leaves, leaving Lynette alone with her thoughts.

“I miss the good old days.  When I was just addicted to my kids’ ADHD medication and had dreams about killing myself.  Life was so simple then . . . “

Gabby’s at the rehab center all yell-y at the gay nurse because Carlos checked himself out without telling anyone.  He says it’s a rehab center, not a jail.  Gabby’s still freaking out because, well, she’s Gabby.  He tells her that if Carlos has a relapse, he’ll wind up back at the center and then they’ll call her.  Also, the TV’s on and the top story is that Chuck is dead.

“Our top story tonight:  Some sexy asshole got what was coming to him.  Coming up:  A certain type of deodorant may or may not be giving you herpes.  We’ll have all the details after the break.”

Gabby’s like, Whaaaaaa?!

The next morning, Bree is a little hungover-ish, because Renee is still there and it turns out that she slipped Bree some sedatives in Bree’s tea last night.  Which is always a good idea when you’re looking after someone who wants to kill themselves.  Renee is going to stay until Bree gets better.  Oh, yay!  This should be fun!  Or, rather, it should SOUND fun and then the writers will find some way to make it tedious and boring and stupid.  Come on, DH writers — this is the last season.  You need to bring it!  Renee took all the laces out of Bree’s shoes (hee) and also got rid of the knives, pills, cleaning fluid, and her shower curtain.  “How can you kill yourself with a shower curtain?” Bree asks.  You can’t, says Renee.  “I just thought it was ugly.”  Ha.  Bree says she’s all good and that Renee doesn’t need to stay.

“I mean, sure, whenever I close my eyes I see a screaming naked midget and I feel like scorpions are trying to escape my skin, but it’s nothing a good salt scrub won’t cure.”

Renee’s like, Fine — if you’re fine, then let’s talk about why you wanted to kill yourself.  Bree says she doesn’t know, but it’s not necessary for Renee to stay.  Just then, Renee gets a text about Chuck.

Mike’s in bed.  With his shirt off.  So let’s take a second to ogle, shall we?

Mike sees Susan headed out to a taxi and Mike, without even thinking about putting on a shirt, goes out to stop her.  Susan’s going to New York (city, not state) to pursue her art or whatever.  Because she’s THAT GOOD, people.  Seriously.  She’s better than Picasso.  Or at least one of those painting chimps.  Bob jogs by (unfortunately, he is shirted) and is all, “Lookin’ good, Mike!”  Oh!  Why wasn’t Bob shirtless too?  I would have LOVED to have taken a screengrab of that for you.  *Sigh*  At least we have Mike.

Also, Teri Hatcher’s eyes keep wandering down to James Denton’s sexy chest.  Not that I can blame her.  Mike grabs Susan’s bag and tells her that she can’t go.  Now, I’m usually not down with guys who forbid their wives to do something, but I would do anything shirtless Mike Delfino/James Denton wanted me to do.

ANYTHING. 

SERIOUSLY.  ANYTHING.

Not that you care, but, much like my pants, there is a plot unfolding.  Mike says he can’t move to NYC because of work and tells Susan she’s just running to escape Chuck, which Susan admits is true.  I find it interesting that neither of them bring up the fact that THEY HAVE A SON NAMED M.J. and this moving to NYC thing might, you know, affect him in some way.  Also, it’ll be really awesome when M.J. wakes up and finds that mommy left without saying goodbye.  Nice.  Nice parenting, Susan.  And, cue the gals showing up to tell Susan that Chuck is up in heaven, probably getting the clap from Edie Britt.

The gals are outside discussing Chuck, all wondering if it was actually on purpose.  Susan wonders if if was Carlos but Gabby’s like, Guh, buh, chuh — he’s in rehab, you guys, for reals, so it wasn’t Carlos so there!  They all agree to treat it like a lucky break and just put everything behind them.  Which has always proven to be a good idea on this show.

Lynette runs home like Charlie Bucket with a golden ticket to tell Tom the good news, but, much like selling a restaurant to buy a winnebago, Tom has spoiled everything by telling Bob about the murder and burial of Alejandro.  But Tom tells Bob they won’t need his services any more when Lynette says that Chuck is dead.  I could use your services, Bob.  Nice and good . . .

Back at the Delfino house, Mike is eating lunch with his shirt on.  Boo!   Susan still feels guilty and Mike’s all, Man up and let’s get on with our lives, dumbass!  Susan says that she knows that she shouldn’t feel mopey and shit, but she does, and she’ll figure a way to get out of it, she swears.  Oh, Susan, just go channel your angry into another crappy painting and call it a day.

Gabby shows up at the police station to say how sorry she is that Chuck died, but basically she wants to find out more details about what happened.  But there’s not much to talk about.  Because it’s the Fairview Police Department.  And they pretty much just sit back and let things play out.  The detective even tells Gabby that the person who hit Chuck didn’t leave skid marks, which means he/she didn’t slow down, which means it likely wasn’t an accident.  Wow, officer.  Way to open your big fat yapper and give all the case details to a complete stranger.

Bree saunters on over to Lynette’s house to discuss all things Chuck.  If it was something that someone did to protect them, who else knows about Alejandro?  Mike.  And Ben.  And Tom.  And Bob.  Although Bob couldn’t have done anything since he found out after the fact.  You know what would help?  A chart.

And soon, Bree and Lynette’s goal of the perfect Wisteria Lane Amway sales team would be fully realized.

There’s like 10 people on that graph.  Was it really necessary?  They also bring up the “I know what you did” note and maybe that person killed Chuck.  Or maybe not?  And of course, none of their friends could kill somebody, because none of them have ever committed a crime before.  Like adultery.  Or perjury.  Or theft.  Or arson.  Or inciting a riot (twice).

Gabby returns home and relieves McCluskey from babysitting duties (McCluskey!  Yay!).  McC tells Gabby that Carlos came home drunk as a Lohan and went right upstairs to sleep it off.  Gabby asks him where he went after rehab — he went to a bar and drank some shots and then it gets kind of hazy.  She asks him if he killed Chuck and Carlos is all, Whaaaaaa I mean I don’t remember anything but whaaaaaa?  Gabby’s like, Let’s check the car and see if there are any Chuck-sized dents in it!  But their car’s not in the garage, so . . . yeeeeaaaah.

Bree’s lying on the couch, drinking wine.  Throw in a Netflix-on-demand episode of Samantha Who and it’s pretty much any given night for me.  Sad.  Sad life.  (Sidebar:  First season of Samantha Who is good, second season not so much.)  Renee shows up to remind her that she was suicidal and also now her ex-boyfriend is dead, so she may need to talk it out with a sister.  Bree doesn’t really seem into that, but Renee won’t leave until she knows why Bree was about to shoot herself in the head.  Bree tells Renee that they aren’t really friends, so who gives a shit?  Renee gets insulted and is all, You’re a selfish bitch for wanting to kill yourself, but I’m going to stick around because I’m not going to let someone kill themselves on my watch — again.  Ah.  So, be prepared for another Renee Reveals a Painful Memory to Make Herself Appear More Relatable Scene.

Time for Chuck’s funeral.  I don’t know why Tom and Lynette are there, exactly, but whatever.  They talk about how they still care about each other and Tom says he’ll come over for a movie night with the kids.  So, the lesson here, is this:  If your marriage is having trouble, one of you should help bury your friend’s dead stepfather in the woods and then go to the funeral of a dead cop who was trying to convict you of being an accessory to murder.  Marriage saved!

Susan’s turning on the waterworks at the funeral.  Susan’s a g.d. mess this season.  I hope she snaps out of it.  Some old lady tells her about how death is inevitable and it’s better to celebrate someone’s life.  Susan’s like, Thank you, now I know what to do!  What?  I don’t know.  Susan asks Gabby what Alejandro’s alias was (Ramon Sanchez) and where he lived (Oklahoma City).  Oh, shit.  Really, Susan?

Carlos runs into a cop who tells them that Carlos showed up drunk at the police station the night Chuck was killed and wanted to confess to hitting someone with a candlestick.  But then the news about Chuck broke out and by the time the cops got back, Carlos was gone.  Gabby’s all, He hit me with the candlestick but I hit him with a baseball bat first so it’s all good!  The cop is pretty half-assed about the whole thing.

“Should I investigate further or — OHMIGOD THEY HAVE BUTTER CREAM MINTS!”

Renee and Bree are there and Bree thinks a funeral is the perfect time to ask Renee who committed suicide.  Turns out it was Renee’s mom.  She’d tried it once with pills and Renee got to her in time.  One day she saw a look in her eyes that seemed familiar, and when she got back from school, she found her mom dead.  There was a note that said, “I’m sorry.”  Renee doesn’t think that those two words make up for the fact that she doesn’t have a mom.  Which they kind of don’t.  Bree tells Renee about Mary Alice (albeit conveniently leaving out the part where Mary Alice murdered a junkie and stole her baby to raise it as her own) and how in the motel room, she thought Mary Alice had the answer.  But then Renee showed up, thank God, and now she’ll always be the person who saved her life — which makes her the bestest friend ever.  Awwwww!

It’s Scavo family movie and pizza night!  Round up the kids that the producers could afford to pay this week!  Which equals Penny and Parker.  Are we supposed to pretend that their other three children don’t exist?  I will not play that game, Cherry.  I will not.  Tom picked up “Old Yeller” but he’s never seen the whole thing because his parents sent him to bed before the ending.  Oh, man, Scavo kids — be prepared to be emotionally scarred AGAIN by daddy’s crying.  Lynette mentions that Tom never remembers to get her the thin crust pizza, but it’s okay.  Tom sort of looks like he’s thinking, Oh shit, I forgot she can be a judgmental hell-beast sometimes.

Gabby and Carlos are headed to bed.  Turns out that Carlos left his car at the police station and McCluskey is going to drive them to get it tomorrow.  Carlos apologizes to Gabby for being such a big, Latin mess, but he’ll get better.  Gabby says she’ll hold down the fort until he does.  Gabby tells Carlos that she loves him and they don’t say it enough.  Carlos says that he loves her too, and then Gabby says she will kill him if he ever goes to the police without talking to her first.

After dinner, Tom and Lynette have a beer and Lynette tells Tom that it meant a lot to her that he gave up the Paris trip and to please apologize to Jane, because she’s probably pissed off.  Tom’s like, No, Jane’s fine — she’s not like that, she doesn’t stay angry.  Really?  Because, at the airport, she looked like she’d just drank a big cup of I-will-kick-you-in-the-balls-you-stupid-asshole topped with a dollop of I-will-ruin-your-life-because-I-am-a-crazy-ass-bitch.  Tom’s like, Here’s an example — she would never criticize the pizza I brought her.  Lynette apologizes and says that the moment it came out of her mouth, she realized she sounded like a harpy.  Tom says stuff like that is a reflex for her, but Lynette is like, maybe I say stuff so much in the hopes that it’ll stick.  Like 23 years of telling him what pizza she likes and he still doesn’t get it.  Tom says it was dumb to compare her to Jane, but Lynette says it’s okay.  She tells Tom that he should go to Paris, otherwise he’ll wonder if Jane could make him happy, and that was the whole point of being separated.

Mike wakes up, alone, in bed, with his shirt off.

Most likely dreaming about sex with me.

It would be an awesome dream, just FYI.  From the upstairs room window, he spies Susan getting into a cab again.  But this time, she’s going to Oklahoma to see Alejandro’s family to, I don’t know, tell them about him or something.  Susan doesn’t really have a plan, but she feels she needs to see Alejandro’s family to get back to normal.  Mike says she should do whatever it takes.  On her way out of the lane, Gabby flags Susan down.  Susan tells Gabby she’s just heading out to see some family.

Mary Alice talks about secrets and friends and junk like that and how we need help hiding dark secrets.  And just when we think we’re done with one secret, another one shows up:

WHAT?!

All in all, I think that was a pretty good episode.  I’m very much digging this season’s mystery, because for the first time since season 4, I have no idea what the hell is going on and who did what.  Well played, DH.  Well played.  And next week have some shirtless Carlos and Bob!  Together!  In jock straps!

Desperate Houswives Memories:

The only memory this week comes from David Liao, who shared this charming memory of injection moulds:

Xiamen Qiqiangsheng Moulds Co., Ltd.

Add: No. 102, Xiaguang Road, Xiaxin Electronic

Area, Haicang district, Xiamen, Fujian, China

Hahahaha!  You’re right, David!  That was hilarious!  Keep sending those memories to dhtvgasm08@gmail.com!

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