Desperate Housewives Recap: Hamster Bawl

This is it, kids.  The very last season premiere of Desperate Housewives.  Throughout these 8 years, we’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve yelled at Marc Cherry, we’ve watched Edie get electrocuted, we’ve bemoaned the absence of Betty Mutha F**kin’ Applewhite, and we’ve stuck through some heinously lame plot developments.  Most of which occurred last season.  I’m kind of sad, but I do think it’s time we say goodbye to our friends on Wisteria Lane.  It’s time, my friends.

Sorry this is a day late.  I’d like to say it won’t be a habit, but I now have a full-time job and I volunteer at the local domestic violence center (by choice — I didn’t get a DUI or anything!), so I have a lot on my plate.  I’ll do my best to have recaps up by Tuesday/Wednesday, but they’ll never be up later than Thursday, unless I have an emergency or am on vacation.

Before we get started, I thought it would be fun if we all shared our favorite memories of this (mostly) fine show.  So I’ve set up an email address where you, my dear, sweet, virtual friends can send your favorite memories of the show.  And maybe some half-naked men screengrab requests.  Also, there is a big bonus if you send in your favorite memories:  I will choose two people at random and those people will receive their choice of ANY season of Desperate Housewives on DVD! Now, you can send as many emails as you want, but in order of fairness — and, to be frank, to make things much easier for me — each person will get one entry.  So, even if you send 10 email memories, you’ll be entered in the drawing once.  Not ten times.  Because I’m literally going to write down the email addresses, put them in my Kansas City Royals baseball cap, and draw two names.  If you already have every season of DH on DVD, then I’ll send you Veronica Mars.  And if you already have Veronica Mars, then I’ll send you Alias.  Okay?  Okay.  So be sure to keep those favorite memories coming — I’ll include them in each recap!  And make sure you include your TVGasm nickname so I can announce the winners.

The email address for memories/entry for the drawing:  dhtvgasm08@gmail.com.  The winners will be announced in the very last recap!

Let’s get on with it.

I’m assuming no one will want either of these.

We pick up where things left off from last season:  All four girls in the hospital, hurt from the explosion that blew up Gabby’s house and killed everyone but themselves and Bob.  What, you don’t think that happened?  Apparently you didn’t stick around after the end credits.  Okay, fine.  Gabby had her dinner party while Alejandro’s dead body was hidden in the trunk.

Ewwwwwwww, I ate camembert off that trunk!

Carlos helps them lug Alejandro’s body to the car, then helps them dig a hole in the woods in which to bury Ale-Alejandro.

Worst.  Wiccan solstice party.  EVER.

So, it’s all good, people are dealing with it, until Susan of course starts to freak out.  To be fair, Lynette’s freaking out a bit too.  And then, something unexpected happens.

“Um, can dead guys get boners?”

Actually, Alejandro’s cell phone rings, because Gabby forgot to take it out of his pocket.  Also, I’m getting major Pretty Little Liars deja vu right now.  I swear to god — if there are cupcakes in this episode I will lose it.  LOSE IT!  Susan is all, “If you missed the phone, what else did you miss?!”  She continues to freak, all, People are going to call him and they’ll find out!  Lynette says it’s not too late to call the police, but Gabby says that Carlos can’t go to prison.  Plus, I’m sure the cops will be wondering why they buried him in the woods, brought him back home, and then called the police.  Anyone else hoping for some Weekend at Bernie’s type shenanigans with Alejandro’s dead body?  Because I’m sure the hell not.  However, I do think that if they had just called the police like rational people — and yes, I realize this is Wisteria Lane where even the most rational person kept her dead husband in a freezer for like 20 years — then Carlos probably wouldn’t go to jail.  But whatevs.  We’ve strapped ourselves into this ride, so we might as well enjoy it.

Susan continues to freak the eff out because “people always get caught!”  Bree is all, This was a bad dude who attacked our friend so we are going to protect her and her family, so y’all keep your damn mouths shut, because when we “bury the body, we bury the secret forever.”  They all hold hands, with Susan of course being the last to join them.  Oh, please.  Susan’s gonna crack like a chestnut on Christmas Eve.

Credits!  Last time we’ll ever see the credits . . . for a first episode . . . of a season.  Damn, if I’m going to start doing “last time” for everything, it’s going to be a looooooooonnng season.

Mary Alice voice over!  She says it’s been a month since Alejandro was buried in the woods, like your first dog, even though your parents told you that he “ran away” or “went to live with a nice Amish family upstate somewhere.”  It’s morning, and all the gals are in bed with their loved ones (why do Carlos and Mike have their shirts on?!).  Everyone, that is, except for Lynette, because Tom is sleeping a twin bed somewhere else.  Oh no!  It’s 10 after 7!  Tom overslept or something!  He runs outside and down a flight of stairs — I *think* he’s staying at McCluskey’s house(?) — and across the yard to his house.  But he’s too late!  Penny and Parker are eating breakfast already and ohmigod how cute is Parker!  Too cute.  Or just cute enough?  You decide.  Tom thinks fast and grabs an old coffee out of his car, telling them that he went to get it for Lynette.  Apparently, they haven’t told the kids that they’re separated.  Tom really wants to tell them, but Lynette doesn’t want to ruin Gabby’s annual BBQ for them, just like she didn’t want to ruin Penny’s birthday last week and yadda yadda yadda.  Lynette always finds an excuse not to tell them.  Is this the same Lynette?  She actually wants to spare her family some pain instead of being the one to inflict it?  Surely not . . . Lynette wants them to have one more nice weekend before their family is torn apart like all-you-can-eat breadsticks at the Olive Garden.

Bree’s in bed with her private dick.  And Chuck is there as well.  Hey-oh!  There’s some “last night was awesome” talk and then Bree brings up Gabby’s BBQ, but Chuck thinks none of Bree’s friends like him.

How could they possibly not like THIS.

Or THIS.

Let’s pretend that he’s pinching his nipples.  Because that’s what I’m into, okay?!  God.

He says that since he’s a cop he can sense these things, and ever since that dinner party, they’ve been treating him differently.  Bree says everything’s great, okay, just great, okay, JUST GREAT!  OKAY?!  And then she distracts him with sex, which he enjoys.  I said it before, but sometimes you can tell when a foreign actor is doing an American accent because they’re trying way too hard to make it sound American.  This is the case with Jonathan Cake.  It’s not a bad American accent, but it’s TOO American.

Meanwhile, over at Casa de Yo Asesiné a Mi Ex Padrastro, Carlos and Gabby are fast asleep.  That is, until Juannie Sue runs in and tells them that she made waffles for everybody!  Yay!  Waffles!  Carlos is all, Get out of here and leave us alone, you stupid puta!  After Juanita runs away because her daddy is a freaking monster, Gabby’s all, “Why have you been so short-tempered lately?”  Um, “lately,” Gabby?  Try SINCE FREAKING SEASON SIX.  And also, even before then — it’s not like Carlos has ever been the definition of relaxed and calm.  I mean, gay-bashing much?  Twice much?  Carlos is like, Maybe it has to do with killing your ex-stepfather.  He tells her that he can’t stop thinking about it and it makes him feel horrible, so he needs to talk to their priest, Father Dugan.  Gabby is, of course, completely and immediately supportive and on board.  Except she’s not, since she’s, you know, Gabby.  She reluctantly gives in, though.

“Things were so much easier when he was on house arrest and our Chinese maid was pregnant with his baby.  Those were simpler times . . .”

Mike is in bed.  With his shirt still on, which should go against James Denton’s contract, if you ask me.  And instead of trying to have sex with Mike, like any other rational person would do, Susan is cleaning her bedroom windows.  Mike’s all, “You like to do some weird stuff in the bedroom, but cleaning is not one of them.”  Hee.

“Which reminds me:  If you want to do that thing tomorrow night, you’ll have to pick up some K-Y at the store.  And some Saran Wrap.  And some hot dogs.  And another bottle of K-Y.  And more hot dogs . . . “

She says she couldn’t sleep and Mike says that’s par for the course — she doesn’t eat, sleep, or leave the house.  Susan says that she’s substitute teaching today, but Mike says that isn’t the point; she was excited to move back to Wisteria Lane (oh, also:  Mike and Susan and presumably M.J. have moved back to Wisteria Lane), but for weeks now she hasn’t spent time with any of her friends.  Mike says that there’s nothing she can’t tell him, but Susan avoids a conversation by going out for a run.  And where does Susan end up?  At the pet cemetery where they buried Alejandro.  What’s that?  You didn’t know that this season of Desperate Housewives is based on Stephen King’s classic novel “Pet Sematary?”  Well.  Now you know.  And knowing is half the battle, so kudos to you.

“It sure is peaceful here on this cursed ancient Indian cannibal burial ground.  Well, I might as well pee on their unholy graves again.”

Back on the Lane, yet another person is moving in.  I wonder what his secret will be . . . Meth lab in the basement?  Escaped convict?  Nazi?  Beanie Baby collection?  Mime?  We’ll just have to wait and see, folks.  Oh, hey, Vanessa Williams is back.

“Yeah, I didn’t have much of a plot last year, and I haven’t been in any of this season’s promotional materials, but no, no, that’s fine.  It’s fine.  I’m happy to stand here and say 5 lines, it’s totally worth it.  Totally . . . God, you bitches suck.”

Apparently the new guy is single.  Renee’s vagina is intrigued.  Gabby’s telling them all about how hunky he is when he walks up behind them and overhears her.  He surprises Gabby, who’s all, “Oh!  I’m Susan Delfino.”  Hee!  Turns out the guy is Australian and . . . mildly amusing, I suppose.  Mildly amusing at most.  Renee’s all, “Dibs!”  Goodbye, Vanessa Willams.  You can go back to your trailer and drink some chardonnay and write your hate mail to Marc Cherry, and then you can take a nap.  We’ll send a P.A. over to wake you up when it’s time to film your other 3 lines of the episode.

Susan’s out running, still, and the other girls ask her if she wants some coffee, but she has to get ready to sub.  They all agree Susan is avoiding them, and then Lynette brings up the fact that Bree’s dating a cop, to which Bree proposes that it’s a good idea because then she’ll know if he or any other cops are on to them.  Also, you could break bricks on Chuck’s pecs.  That’s also a plus.

Over at the school, Susan is teaching the kids.  Poorly, I would imagine.  Some other teacher — played by an actress you may remember from “Wishmaster.”  Or, you know, probably not– comes in to ask Susan how it’s going.  Susan says it’s going well, so you guys can relax, because that burning question is finally answered.  Meanwhile, Juanita brings to attention that the class hamster, named CUPCAKE — Pretty Little Liars, much?!?! — isn’t moving, and Juanita’s pretty sure she’s dead, because she poked her with her pencil “a couple of times.”  Ha!  Can we have a Juanita spinoff, please?!  The other teacher tells Susan that there’s a place in the back where they bury all the dead school pets.  She tells Susan to have a little funeral, but don’t mention God because “Amanda’s parents are atheists, lawyers, and major douches.”  Hee.  Susan isn’t really too happy about having to bury Cupcake.

Carlos goes to confession, but it’s not Father Dugan — it’s some dumbass young guy who’s all super-pumped to take confessions, so Carlos decides he can’t confess unless it’s Father Dugan.

Back at the school, Susan’s having a hard time with Cupcake’s funeral, because it’s bringing back memories of burying Alejandro.  She goes on a mini-tirade about how she wasn’t even supposed to be there and here she is, having to bury a dead thing.  Juanita’s all, Don’t worry, Cupcake was a bad hamster, “she had three babies and ate them.”  HAHAHAHA!  Susan:  “But did she deserve to die?!  We don’t get to make that call, Juanita!  We’re not God!  That’s right, Amanda, I said it.”  Hee!  Susan drops Cupcake into the hole and tells the kids to slap on a happy face and pretend it never happened, which is basically Katie Holmes’ motto.

“Bitches be crazy.”  “Word.”

Later that night, Gabby goes over to Susan’s with 2 margaritas, but Susan doesn’t feel like drinking.  So Gabby pours Susan’s margarita into hers.  Hahahaha!  Love.  Gabby says that Juanita told her about Susan’s Cupcake meltdown and she’s worried about Susan.  Susan says it’s harder for her to handle what happened than the rest of them.  Gabby tells her that if Carlos goes to jail it would be horrible for herself and the girls.  Susan says she’s trying, Gabby tells her to try harder.  Oh, man, Susan is going to tell someone, probably in December, and it’s probably going to be the main cause of this season’s Disaster Episode (Susan will tell Mike, who will release, wait for it, wait for it . . . Killer bees!  OR.  Susan will tell Mike just as he’s driving a truck through Wisteria Lane, and Mike will crash the truck, which is full of, wait for it, wait for it . . . Nuclear waste!).  It’ll probably be something lame.  My money’s on an earthquake.  I think we all know that, whatever the disaster may be, one of Lynette’s P-Kids will be presumed dead, but will be found alive and unharmed.  Yawn.

Bree’s “making cookies” for Chuck.  And by “making cookies,” I mean, “making cookies.”  White chocolate macadamia, to be precise.  And by “white chocolate maca–,” oh, forget it.  Chuck’s all, Hey, I found a dead body today!  Which makes Bree all, Ohhhhhhhhhhshit.  Bree says she wants to hear all about about because his work is fascinating, but it turns out it was a dead body in a warehouse.  Also, he found the body because the killers forgot to get rid of the victim’s car, which makes Bree poop in her Covington Lynda pants.

Cut to Bree and Gabby taking Alejandro’s car.  Bree says they’ll take it to a bad part of town and let someone steal it.  Oh, Bree.  If you had a dollar for every time you’ve had to do this . . . Well, you’d have 2 dollars.  Still, that’s a helluva lot more than anyone else.  But oh crap, the car is a stick shift and Bree can’t drive a stick!  It’s cool though, because Gabby drove one once in high school.  So it’s all good.

Except it’s not, because Gabby sucks at driving a stick shift.  “This was so much easier when I was drunk,” she says.  Hahahahaha!  And wouldn’t you know it, the cops pull them over.  Gabby:  “Should I gun it?!”  Bree:  “Gun it?!  You can’t even drive it!”  Hahahaha!  Remember last year when pretty much the only enjoyable scene was with Bree and Gabby having their friendship affair?  Well, it seems that they’re giving us what we want this season, and I for one am very happy.  The cop, though, turns out to be Chuck, of course, who asks them who the car belongs to.  They make up a ruse about how Gabby’s (fake) Aunt Shirley had too much to drink at her house last night, so she took a cab or something, and now they’re taking it back to her.  But good ole Chuckie says that he’ll drive them.  Well, that’s just fantastic.

“I brought road trip music!  I hope you guys like Nickelback!”

Chuck asks where Shirley lives, and Gabby tells Chuck that she’ll tell him when to turn.  He also finds an Oklahoma City RedHawks baseball cap, which is completely random, and asks Gabby if her aunt was a fan, to which Gabby replies that “Aunt Shirley” completely is.  There’s also some men’s cologne.  Bree:  “She’s a lesbian.”  Gabby:  “She could have been married, but no, she’s a lesbian.”  HAHAHAHA!  Loving.  This.  But wait — there’s more!  Apparently Aunt Shirley loves chewing tobacco, and Chuck ain’t never seen no woman who likes the tobacky!  And then, Gabby’s all, Oh I chew tobacco!  Ha!

“Yup, nuthin’ like that sweet Carolina smoky rich flav — oh holy f**king f**k!  It’s like a cow ate a bunch of dirt, pooped it out, mixed it with shredded Chinese newspapers, ate that, pooped it out again, and then scooped it up into a bag.”

Gabby’s totally gagging and choking on the chew and she can’t take it anymore, so she makes Chuck pull over in an alley so she can puke in a trash can.  As Chuck is helping Gabby, some Dax Shepherd looking mofo climbs into the car with Bree and carjacks that beyotch!

Put a bird on it!

Put.  A.  Bird.  On.  It.  Bree is all, “I could kiss you!”  She tells him to keep his voice down because that guy out there is a cop, and when he starts to freak out, Bree tells him that if he made a plan he needs to follow it through.  So Dax takes the car.  And just when I’m thinking, Oh shit Chuck is a cop and if you tell him it was stolen he’ll find out it’s Alejandro’s, Bree tells him that Aunt Shirley just happened to walk by and took the car home.  There we go.  Problem solved!

Hey, remember when Vanessa Williams was a part of this show?  Well, a P.A. has woken her up from her nap and it’s time for her to say her other line.  She runs into Lynette on the street and lets her know that she’s going to over to the new Australian dude’s house to throw her boobs in his face and then bone him into the next decade.  The Australian guy apparently lives in Mike’s old house (also Katherine’s old house), and of course he’s home when Renee knocks on the door.  She tells Ben (the Aussie) that they can make conversation and flirt a lot, or they can just down a couple of Foster’s 40s and do it on the living room floor, dirty-koala-style.

“If you want to slather my naked body in Vegemite and lick it off, well, that can be arranged.”

Did you know Vegemite is illegal in the U.S.?  Fun fact.  However, Ben doesn’t really want to do it with Renee, and he shuts the door in her face.  Renee and her boobs are not happy.

Gabby runs over to the church and catches Father Dugan just as he’s on his way out on a trip.  She says that Carlos needs his help, but Father Dugan is getting into a van to the airport.  The driver asks her if she’s going to the airport as well and she tells him that she totally is and asks him to go get her bags.  While he’s doing that, Gabby gets behind the driver’s seat and tells Father Dugan that they’re going to stop to see Carlos on their way.  There’s a lot of car-jacking in this episode.  Come to think of it, there’s a lot of car-jacking in this SHOW.  There is also a silly couple in the van who are headed to the airport for their honeymoon, but their retort with Gabby isn’t really funny.

So now that Carlos has Father Dugan in his house, Carlos says that he’s done something “unforgivable.”

“Ah.  Another gay-bashing, then.”

“No.”

“You replaced your wife’s birth control with placebos again.”

“Ummmm, no.”

“Another secret illegal offshore bank account?”

“Nope.”

“Using slave labor in your company?  Knocking up your Chinese maid?  Cheating on your girlfriend with your ex-wife?  Shoving some guy off a boat and covering up his disappearance?”

“Okay, stop guessing so I can just tell you already.  Douche.”

Basically the padre says that even though God can forgive anything, one has to show that one is repentant through his deeds.  Like, if someone committed a crime, then telling the cops would prove the “intentions of [one's] heart.”  Carlos says that isn’t an option because there are a lot of innocent people involved.  But Father Dugan says that sin can’t be absolved for a crime that is intended to remain hidden.  Carlos tells the priest he should go and he’ll never be able to be okay.

Gabby comes in at bed time to soothe Carlos with her words.  And her boobs.  But mostly her words.  He says there’s no absolution for him and he’s going to have to just live with the guilt.  Gabby tells Carlos that she spent her whole life thinking that Alejandro would find her  (um, except for the past 6.75 years of this show when you only mentioned him twice.  Plus the 5 year jump which means . . . whatever, I don’t care) and he gave her nightmares and she was just basically scared shitless because of him.  But now she doesn’t have to live with that because of what Carlos has done.  Carlos agrees, but he took a man’s life.  Gabby says that he also saved one, so if he wants absolution, she gives it to him.

A man walks up the stairs in the dark, but it turns out it’s just Lynette’s bad dream.  So she runs over to Tom’s new bachelor pad because she’s scared, telling him that she needs him, and then they kiss passionately.

I’m pretty sure you have a baby at home, but — no, no, that’s okay, you guys go right ahead, that’s fine.

The next morning — Lynette spent the night, which means that Penny had to get up when the baby cried in the middle of the night.  AGAIN.  — Tom and Lynette oversleep.  Oh no!  So they run back over to their house, but it’s cool because no one’s awake yet.  Tom wants to know about last night and thinks they should discuss it, because if she wants to get back together, he’s open to that, but they have a lot of problems that will need some work.  Lynette is all, Um, last night was not about getting back together.  Oh, Lynette, that was some serious bitchery that just went down right there.  Not cool, Lynette.  Not cool.  She says she had a nightmare and she’s scared and she needs him — having him across the street makes her feel safe.  Uh-huh.  So does having Tom’s penis in your vagina.  Right, Lynette?  Geez.  Mixed signals, much?  Tom’s like, Then get a night light and don’t have sex with the person you’re separated from!  Word, T-Scav.  Word.  Parker and Penny come down — um, no one cares about the baby? — and are all, I want french toast, I want pancakes!  But instead, Tom and Lynette are gonna serve up a big batch of hard truth with a side of crushing disappointment and a big glass of shattered dreams.  Tom’s all, Kids we need to talk about something.  Oh, shit.  Also, right before school?  Way to make the whole day suck.

“Mom and dad are breaking up and who wants a frittata?!”

Susan is laying on her bed while Mike is putting ON his shirt, which is just stupid.  Susan says she’s not going to Gabby’s BBQ this year.  He asks Susan if he needs to be worried about the two of them — he thought it was a problem between her and the girls, but she’s been shutting him out, so he wonders if she’s having issues with him.  You mean besides walking around all shirt-wearing all the time?!  Get with the program, Delfino, you sexy bastard!  Susan says that no matter what happens nothing will ever come between them.  Mike’s like, Oh yeah, it worked out awesome between Tom and Lynette.  Ouch.  Ouchies.  Susan says that she’ll go with him since he was right and she needs to straighten things out with her friends.  And we cut to –

Gabby telling Susan that there’s no way in hell she can tell Mike what happened.  Susan says that Mike knows that something’s up and Lynette thinks that Susan should be able to tell Mike.  Bree is astonished that they want to break the pact they made and Lynette says that Bree was awful bossy that night, just like she always is.  Susan concurs and says that she will indeed be telling Mike.  Which of course leads to –

CATFIGHT!

Also, has Gabby always had a pool in her backyard?  I remember a hot tub, but not a pool.  Oh, screw it, it’s the last season, what do I care?!  The guys are inside talking about the big sportsketball game and all the awesome sportsketball players while the ladies fight beside Gabby’s Inexplicable Backyard In-Ground Pool.  Oh!  They’re ever so close to the edge of the pool!  I sure hope they don’t fall in because that would be an incredibly tired cliche that every single television series — oh.  Fine.  You’re gonna go there, Desperate Housewives?  Fine.  That’s fine.

Lynette, Susan, and Gabby fall into the pool and the guys finally come outside to see what the hubbub is all about.  Susan says she lost her earring and they were helping her find it.  And then Bree is all, “There it is!” and weirdly dives into the pool.

“Why do I see 8 boobs and 9 nipples?”  “Oh, um, Susan has this weird thing on her left –”  “Enough said, Mike.  Enough said.”

After the break, the gals are sitting at a table, all calm and toweling off their wet hair.  Lynette says that she went to the grocery store and got canned peaches.  Canned peaches!  Oh my god, do you know what this means?!  Do you know HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO THE PLOT?!  This is MASSIVE people.  Canned.  F**king.  Peaches.  Okay, actually, Lynette had to put them back because she realized that only Tom likes canned peaches.  Sweet pickles?  Only Tom.  Had to put them back.  Sad.  Bree says she’s sorry she hasn’t been there for Lynette; Gabby says they’ve all been guilty of not being there for each other.  She apologizes to Susan who says that it’s really hard to keep this to herself.  Lynette says that the good thing about neither Tom nor Mike knowing is that they can’t be implicated, which is totally true.  Susan says they’re never going to be able to tell anybody about what happened, and Bree asks her if she’s gonna be okay with that.  Susan says she’ll try.

Awwwww, I’m sad that this is the last season!

Mary Alice voice over (awwwwwww!).  This week’s metaphor is cleaning up stuff.  Like sweeping secrets off the porch and taking the secrets out to the garbage can and cleaning the secrets off your gas grill with a scrub brush.  Mary Alice says that every housewife “knows that as soon as one mess is taken care of, another one appears . . .”  Bree and Chuck are walking home at night after the party, and Bree’s mailbox is open.  Chuck goes inside and Bree takes a letter out of the mailbox.  A letter which reads:

STFU!!!!!!

” . . . And we may find ourselves right back where we started,” Mary Alice says.  Guh!  Buh!  Chuh!  Fuh!  Y’all know what this means.

“I’m back, bitches.”

I have to say, that was one of the best season openers since probably Season 4.  And I hate to say it (kind of), but I’m pretty sure it’s because, for the first time since season 2, this season premiere ep was written by someone other than Marc Cherry.  I know DH wouldn’t exist without Cherry, and I thank him for that, but he won’t be the producer/show runner for this season.  So I’m thinking it’s going to be better than the last few.  At least I hope so!  Allegedly there will be more Mary Alice time this season, and they also really want Dana Delany back for some eps, so keep your fingers crossed for some Krazy Katherine action!

And don’t forget to send your favorite memories of DH to me at:  dhtvgasm08@gmail.com!  I’ll post the memories next week AND you’ll be automatically entered into the drawing!