Desperate Housewives Recap: Joke-lahoma

Mary Alice talks about what our friends can do for us — like tell you that you look fat in those jeans, that you really shouldn’t be eating a meal consisting entirely of Cheetos and Shasta, and that you really shouldn’t be slapping someone else’s kid when you think he/she is being annoying.  At least, that’s what my friends do for me.

I just want to slap them so much!

Only the best of friends, though, will tell you the truth.  That’s what Mary Alice says.  Bree shows Gabby and Lynette the letter that she got in her mailbox in the last episode.

“This is a letter stating that your free trial of Boniva is over.”

Uh, wrong letter, Bree.  Bree is actually showing them the “You’re Welcome” letter from last episode, although that could also potentially be a letter from Boniva saying “You’re welcome . . . for the free trial of Boniva.”  I’m just putting that out there.  Bree’s like, It’s the same stationary and it came after Chuck’s death and I’m freaking out!  Gabby and Lynette are like, This doesn’t necessarily mean what you think it means.  Um, what else could it mean?  BONIVA.  That’s what.  But the timing is weird . . . Then they all remember that they hate each other.  Gabby says that there’s nothing they know, except they know who the letter is being sent to:  Bree.  So what’s the link between The Letter Person and Bree, huh?  Why don’t they all get letters?  Why is it just Bree?  Bree’s like, All y’all psycho bitches can drink a tall mug of shut the f**k up because you are insane.  Bree walks off and Gabby’s like, Let’s forgive each other and just be mad at Bree.  Lynette concurs.  Someone is watching them from a car, though . . .  Credits.

During the credits, take some time to think about the bitchery of Lynette and Gabby.  But especially Gabby.  While I admit that doing nothing to Alejandro’s body — because he faked his death, abused Gabby, and broke into her house — would have been the logical thing to do and would have ended with probably no jail time for Carlos, Bree freaking took charge when no one else had the balls to do it.  And how do these bitches thank her?  By freezing her out and leaving her to get drunk and shoot herself in her pretty face.

Susan is driving down a road in “Oklahoma.”  I say “Oklahoma” because there are way too many trees for that to be “Oklahoma.”  And before you say, “You don’t know Oklahoma, you jaded elite Hollywood snob!” let me say that I grew up about 40 minutes from Oklahoma and have been there many (too many) times.  Sure, it was southwestern Kansas bordering the OK panhandle (both of which are, to be frank, the ass-cracks of each respective state), but I ain’t never seen that many trees in no Oklahoma.

Susan’s on the horn with Mike, saying that she has no idea of how to get inside the house.

“Mike!  Slow down!  You’re confusing me!  What is this ‘door’ you speak of?!  Is it some sort of legume?”

I’m assuming she means that metaphorically, though.  She probably knows how to use a door, but this IS Susan after all.  Mike tells her to leave some flowers and come back home, but Susan needs to do this.  I don’t know why, either.  Turns out, the house is for sale, so the realtor (played by the delightful Edie McClurg), says that she can take a peak at the house early.  Susan’s in!  But, um, I don’t see how this helps since the family, like, doesn’t live at the house any longer.

Aussie Ben is on the phone, wearing his stupid shirt, talking about problems with the condo project, when Renee shows up and is all, I miss you and this is a big deal because I never miss people!  Ben’s still doing business on the phone and Renee leaves in a huff.  God, Ben!  Your girlfriend shows up uninvited and yells and whines at you and you don’t even have the decency to hang up your important business call?  What kind of heartless bastard are you?

So Renee trots her fabulous but whiny ass over to Bree’s, because Bree doesn’t have enough problems of her own to deal with.  Oh, and Bree’s drinking wine again.  And Renee doesn’t say anything.  Again.  Renee saw Bree talking with Lynette and Gabby and is wondering if they had a fight, specifically about Bree getting Botox.  Hee.  Bree says she’s upset but it’s private and Renee’s like, That’s how you ended up with the gun, Suicide-y, so we’re going out to meet some men.  Bree isn’t really excited about this and tells Renee that she also needs to go back to her own place.  When Renee’s like, Another glass of wine, Bree?, Bree’s like, I’ll totes go out with you, so go home and get a slutty dress for me.  When Renee leaves, Bree pours herself another glass.

“Oh, Ernest and Julio Gallo — you make a glorious wine, and a handsome couple!”

(I stole that joke from American Dad.)

“Credit where credit is due, bitch.”

Gabby is, for some stupid reason that I don’t really care about, helping Celia rake leaves, to teach her the value of hard work.  [Insert lame blind leading the blind joke here.]  Also, Celia speaks!  She says, “I’m tired.”  So, she’s said, “Sperm,” “I’m tired,” and has chewed on a doll hand.  This kid is going places!  Carlos’s secretary (Marilyn) comes by to bring his mail over.  Also there’s a British client in town and Carlos needs to “wine and dine” them if possible.  Uh, maybe not so much “wine-ing,” Marilyn, you heartless hell-beast.  There’s no one else to woo the clients, but Gabby says that Marilyn is S.O.L.  Oh, but it’s a $90 million client, of course.  Gabby says she’ll figure something out.

Meanwhile, Susan asks Edie McClurg if she knows why the clients are selling the house.  She doesn’t know why and it’s private . . . except that the husband is missing and the wife had to take a second job and still can’t make ends meet.  It’s a good thing Edie didn’t say all this when the wife was home — oh, wait, except here she is, back from the store.  If you watched Six Feet Under, you may remember her from that show.  I have not seen it — cue the “OMG Hypnotoad, you haven’t seen Six Feet Under?!  You have to watch it!!!!” comments — but I did watch and love the American Kath & Kim and she was hiLARious in that.  I miss that show.  NBC cancels that and picks up the abortion that is called Whitney for a full season?  Suck it, NBC.

Edie leaves to go get some flyers and leaves Susan alone with Claudia Sanchez.  Susan says that she doesn’t want to buy the house, but she spies some “Americana knick-knacks” that Claudia has lying around the house, including Legos, that Susan says she wants to buy.  They’re “rare phase one” Legos and they’re worth a lot of money, so Susan writes her a check.  Claudia says it’s not necessary because she knows that her husband will be back soon.  Yeah, good luck with that.  Oh, I should mention that Claudia has a daughter whose father is not Ramon (Alejandro).  Also, his step-daughter is back from the store, too (geez, you can’t afford your mortgage but you can get food?  What kind of bullshit is that?).  Claudia says he’s a good man and father, but Susan spies the step-daughter looking weird in the kitchen.

Lynette made pot pie for dinner, yay!  She sits down with her apparently only remaining three children.  Look, I understand that they need to save money on this show, but would it kill the writers to mention the twins every once in a while?  Geez.  The kitchen lights are flickering and the kids tell Lynette that Tom usually goes to the circuit box and jiggles something.

“We’re pretty sure you left your humility somewhere over there.”

Lynette says that she can totes do that, so she goes off to try her hand at this little trick, but she makes all the lights go out.  Who would’ve expected that?  All of us.

Mike shows up at Ben’s house, and sadly, he doesn’t ask him if they can have a good old fashioned Australian Shirtless Spooning Party.  Dammit.  But Mike does say that his last paycheck bounced like a SuperBall.  So Ben pulls out a fat wad of cash and hands it over to Mike, saying that he just changed banks, so . . . yeah . . . that’s the reason . . .  Mike’s like, Yeah, you sure about that, Vegemite?  Ben’s like, Oi, it totally is!

It’s morning, and Lynette is poring over some electrical blueprints to fix the light problem, because Tom’s jiggle solution was only temporary and it needs to be taken care of.  Which is a metaphor for their marriage, get it?  Gabby shows up all chipper and stuff, because she needs something.  Specifically, she needs Lynette to teach her to wine and dine the Brits and be all business-y with them to close the deal.  Lynette’s all, I can’t do that in a few hours.  Lynette finally decides to help and tells Gabby to come over tonight with the business files.

Renee and Bree are at a bar.  AGAIN, Renee, Bree is a RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC.  Yes, she has been to clubs before and been fine (allegedly), but that bitch is relapsing, so what the hell are you thinking?  And, to that extent, what are the writers thinking not addressing this?  Bree is all uppity about how dive-y the bar is, and Renee tells Bree that she looks like she has a puss-on.  I actually think Bree looks really pretty, but whatevs.  Bree’s all, You got us drinks by showing the bartender “your Bronte sisters.”  Renee:  “Even your boob jokes are repressed.”  Hee.  Also, Renee’s hair looks really pretty.  Bree says she might act the way she does (stick-in-the-ass) because her mom died, and Renee thinks that’s why she acts like she does (the opposite of stick-in-the-ass) as well, because her mom died too:  You can either be daddy’s angel, or daddy’s nightmare.  Or something.  Renee tells Bree to cut loose and have fun and be naughty and hit on a stranger while she goes out on the dance floor.

Lynette’s telling Gabby that Carlos’s company has “benchmarking” and ZZZZZZZZZZsleepingnow.  Gabby’s not really interested in learning the actual business, she just wants to learn buzzwords like “fiduciary” and say them repeatedly.  Lynette says that Gabby can’t just rattle off some words and get by, but Gabby begs to differ because she has charm.  And boobs.  And spicy Latina-ness!  Lynette’s like, Maybe for once you can actually apply yourself, because as long as I’ve known you, you really rely on your looks and charm to get whatever you want.  Which is true.  Then Gabby says that Lynette is an unapologetic know-it-all.  Which is true.  They fight and Lynette kicks her out of the house, but not before Gabby calls Lynette a “fi-douche.”  Hee!

Back at the bar, Bree is sitting alone, looking at herself in the mirror, finally deciding to let loose a little bit.  She walks over to some guy in a suit at a table by himself.  I think he played Hannah’s dad in Veronica Mars.  Ah, Hannah.  Sent off to boarding school in Vermont because your boyfriend was blackmailing your dad who was addicted to drugs and had information on your boyfriend’s alleged murder.  God, I miss that show.  Hannah’s dad is named Bradley on this show.  And Bradley is supposed to be at his high school reunion, but it sucked, so he came to the bar.  Cut to three glasses of wine later, and Bree is loosening up and talking about someone she married “just to lose my virginity.”  Ah, Rex Van de Kamp.  Freaky sex lovin’ Rex.  I hope Bradley is just as freakalicious in the sack!

“So, I’m sort of into having peanut butter spread on my gentles and then having ants poured on ‘em, but whatever, it’s cool, let’s have another drink, or whatever, I don’t care, as long as it’s peanut butter and ants, who wants shots, what are we talking about?”

Bradley and Bree are kinda buzzed, which is probably why Bree decides to go home with Bradley.  Bree, you ignorant slut!

In Oklahoma, Susan spies Marissa (the step-daughter) taking out the trash and says that she wants to talk to her.

I’m pretty sure the girl who plays Marissa was on a Telemundo version of Gilmore Girls.

Chupa Chicas or something, I don’t know.  Susan asks if Alejandro (Ramon) was a good man, because she knows that he wasn’t (so why does she ask?).  Marissa says she doesn’t want to talk about it, but Susan knows what kind of a person he is, so Marissa can tell her.  Susan acknowledges that this is a strange situation, but she came here because she knows what Ramon (Alejandro) did and she promises that he can never hurt her again.  Senorita Gilmore is all, How do you know that?  Susan says she just knows that he’s never coming back, and it’s a promise.

Bree is at Bradley’s place, where there’s a pool in his backyard.  And she is drunkity-drunk-drunk.  She starts making out with Bradley because she’s trying out new things, so why not take off all their clothes and skinny dip?  And then, why not have sex while they’re naked in a swimming pool? (I don’t think ants can survive underwater, and that peanut butter is gonna clog the drain, but hey, go for it, kids.)  And then, why not get caught by Bradley’s boss, since it’s actually his house and Brad is just his assistant?  New things!

This is what we get this week, peeps.  And you know what?  I’ll totally take it.

Not bad, Rick Peters.  Not bad.  Bree grabs her clothes, covers her nakedness with a floating pool lounger, and runs away into the night.

At Ben’s construction site, the digging machine things are being repossessed, so Mike barges into Ben’s office, where Ben is making a shady deal with a shady guy, and both of them tell Mike to butt his sexy ass out of their business.  But Mike’s all, You won’t be able to pay him back, I’ll lose my job, and I won’t get to wear sexy construction tool belts, so yeah, it is my business.  Mike tells the mob guy that he can go.  Ben and Mike sit outside and watch The Man taking all their construction stuff away.

“Well, nothing to do now but go back to the trailer, take off our clothes, and practice french kissing.”

I.  Wish!  So much.  Mike brings up the fact that Renee is totes rich because she divorced Doug Perry, the guy who plays for the Yankees.  Ben’s like, Yeah, that’s kind of weir–WHAAAAAAAAAA RENEE HAS $12 MILLION?!  ME WANTEE!

Over at dinner, the British people are Britishly asking Gabby about why they should change their SHED-yoo-ools for a Bob’s your uncle firm like Carlos’s without a long WRECK-ord of financial bangers and mash?  Gabby’s like, “Open architecture investment platform,” a phrase she gets from a cheat sheet on her menu.  The British lady’s all, Ah, so we’ll have money so that my threepenny bits aren’t on the broo and I won’t splash my boots on a mingebag.  Gabby also says, “Debt managing in emerging markets.”  The Brits go ape-shit for that, too.

“Well, that’s a stone bonker!  Snashters and peeves all around, yeah?!”

Gabby gets a phone call from Juanita and while she’s turned around on the phone, the waiter takes all the menus, leaving Gabby without her cheat sheet.

“Where’s my menu, you barmy Billy-no-mates?!  Wazzacks, all of you!  Gordon Bennett!  Bubble and squeak!  Black pudding!  Full English breakfast!”

The Brit lady says that the waiter is bringing a tasting menu, but Gabby knows that won’t suffice, because it’s not going to come with an itty-bitty cheat sheet, so she goes to the host stand to find her special menu.  A couple people come in for their reservation and Gabby’s like, “Sit wherever you want!”  She goes back to the table sans menu and the Brits really want to pick Gabby’s brain about business and business-y things.

The Scavo family’s kitchen light is still flickering.  Also, Lynette made a big hole in the wall of Parker’s bedroom while trying to fix the light.  Also, as Parker tells us, Lynette “thought [Parker] wouldn’t notice if [she] covered the hole with a unicorn poster.”  Hahaha!  Oh, Parker.  How I wish I’d gone to high school with you so I could have a crush on you and stare at you during band practice.  Penny, from the other side of the wall:  “Why is there a map of Canada on my wall?”  Hee.

“That’s it.  I’m grabbing some fish heads and going back to the basement.”

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m loving the scenes between Parker, Penny, and Lynette.  Parker’s like, Call an electrician!  (Or just call Mike, because I’m sure he’d be happy to help, because he’s a really nice and sexy guy.)  Lynette says that she needs to know how to fix things because if Tom’s going to be gone, she’ll have to figure this stuff out.  Then she yells about how if she’d known he was leaving, she’d have asked him all about fixing everything.  What a buzzkill.

Ben shows up at Renee’s house with a bottle of wine to apologize for not making time for her immediately when Renee barged in without an invitation.  Renee was worried that Ben was losing interest in her but Ben says that that’s not the case, since Renee has “everything a man could want.”  Including millions of dollars, eh, Ben?  That oughta buy a crap ton of Foster’s and Tim-Tam’s, eh?

Lynette shows up at Gabby’s house with bourbon and ice cream and an apology.  Aw, I wish Lynette was my friend.  I would pick fights with her just so she’d bring over liquor and ice cream later.   Lynette says that she gave Gabby a lecture instead of helping and then when Gabby wouldn’t do what Lynette wanted, she kicked her out . . . which is what she’s been doing to Tom for years.  Thank you!!  Finally, some acknowledgement.  You know what?  I’m liking Lynette without Tom.  I was a bit skeptical at the beginning of the season, when it seemed like we’d have Mopey Lynette all the time, but this is good, kids, this is very good.  She doesn’t want Gabby to walk out on her too.  Gabby acknowledges that she can’t rely on her charm and looks anymore, now that Carlos is gone, and she was just projecting what she wanted from Carlos onto Lynette.  Lynette says they’ll both get through their hard times.  Awwwww!  Friendship!

Susan’s back from Oklahoma.  Thank god.  Okay, writers — now it’s time to let everyone stop fighting and let the gals spend some time TOGETHER.  All four of them.  Okay?  It’s the last season:  We deserve it.  She tells Mike that the trip worked out — she feels better and feels like she can put the Alejandro thing behind her now.

And we cut to:  Claudia on the phone with her bank or credit card company, telling them she can make the minimum payment since she’s come into some money.  Marissa tells Claudia that maybe she should sell Ramon’s motorcycle since he may not be coming back.  Claudia’s like, Gilmore chica say what?!  Marissa tells her that “that woman” who gave them the money promised that Ramon/Alejandro would never come back, and she seemed pretty sure about that.  Claudia pulls out the check and looks at Susan’s address.  Uh-oh.  Way to f**k everything up AGAIN, Susan.  Just stop trying to spread good will, okay?  Just . . . just stop.

Bree is regaling her tale of debauchery and suckiness to Renee and Renee’s all, I think you had a kick-ass time because you love telling that story.  Bree is all, That’s ridiculous . . . except not really, because it was pretty exciting.  Renee calls Bree a “bad, bad girl.”  Mary Alice talks about learning things and friendship and truth and junk and asking for help (Lynette called an electrician) and opportunity (Ben smiles at Renee).  Bree’s back at the dive bar where some guy asks her if he can buy her a drink.  Bree’s like, “You can buy me breakfast.”  As Juanita Solis would say, Oh, suh-nap!

“I’ll meet you at the IHOP.  If you get there first, order me a Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n’ Fruity and a Fresca.”

No emails about fave memories this week!  Don’t forget to send them to dhtvgasm08@gmail.com and if you’re a first time memory-sender, you’ll be entered into a drawing for the DH DVD of your choice!  Unless it’s season 5.  I’m not gonna buy that crap for you.  Just kidding . . .  Kind of . . .

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