Desperate Housewives Recap: Soap Box Disturb-y

Thank god for “previously on Desperate Housewives,” because I have no damn memory of what happened before the hiatus.  Why was there a long break?  Does ABC think there’s three weeks of Easter?  I don’t know.  Let’s just get right to it.

So, Mary Alice, how are things going in heaven or hell or purgatory or whatever?  Are you — Oh.  You just want to gossip about your old friends.  Fine, go ahead . . . Mary Alice says that Lynette is, like, super into making her divorce to Tom go smoothly . . . as long as her hair and body and outfit look gorgeous, that is.

 

I’m not kidding.  She looks fabulous.

Perhaps a bit on the skinny side, if you ask me, but I know Felicity Huffman had some body issues in the past, so I’m not going to get into it.  Because I’m completely sure she looks forward to reading my recap each week.  Completely.  So, if you are reading this, Felicity, you look gorgeous and I want to touch your hair because it looks soft and luxurious.  What?  It’s not creepy if there’s no chance in hell of it ever happening.  Lynette grabs some of Tom’s clothes and takes them to his new office, which, to be fair, looks like what I’d imagine the City Offices of Fargo to look like.  The CEO is there, asking about her divorce and crap, since he’s been divorced for two years and it still sucks.  Also, the CEO is a silverfox in the vein of Anderson Cooper.  Anderson Cooper #2 tells Lynette to hang in there, because she’s the type of gal that guys go for.  Gorgeous?  Check.  Funny?  Check.  Emasculating shrew?  Chec — ehhhhhhhh, maybe not so much.

Oh, hey, Jane’s at Tom’s new office (thankfully, I don’t think it was decorated by Renee because it doesn’t look like it’s from the set of “Beetlejuice”) all excited about them going to “the cabin” for the weekend and — you guessed it — having sex.  What the hell, Jane?  She’s hornier than the cast of any given direct-to-DVD National Lampoon movie.

See that dog, Jane?  The one with the beer helmet on his head?  Even HE thinks you’re a whore.

Tone it down, Janey.  Blah blah blah sex cabin blah blah blah Lynette spies Tom and Jane kissing, so she asks Greg “Anderson Cooper” CEO if he wants to get a drink some time.  ‘Atta girl.  Credits.

So now Carlos is a counselor and it’s kind of weird because he isn’t wearing a tie and his office looks like . . . Well, it looks like any office in any kind of Social Services place.  I.e., it’s crap because those people don’t have money for paint for the walls, let alone paychecks.  (Social workers of the world, I salute you.  Low-pay, bureaucracy, long hours . . . I couldn’t do it.)  Gabby hates it, but Carlos is like, We don’t have money for freaking light bulbs because we’re busy helping addicts.  Gabby:  “Rooms like this are why I’d start shooting up in the first place.”  Ha!

M.J. gets home from school and wants cookies because the sandwich Susan made sucked and his dad died so get him some f**king cookies already!  Susan finds a flyer in M.J.’s backpack stating that his school is having a soap box derby fundraiser.  Because nothing says “school spirit” quite like careening down a road in a box made of cardboard and wood glue protected only by random patches of hay bales.

After that fateful day, Jessica couldn’t pass a farm without weeping uncontrollably.  And also she’s in a wheelchair now.

Remember when Juanita got in trouble for kissing a boy?  And remember when M.J. got in trouble for throwing a stapler at his teacher’s head?  This SAME MUTHA F**KIN’ SCHOOL is having a soap box derby fundraiser.  Those school bitches are freakin’ CHOOSY with their possible litigious events.  Oh, the event is for dads and sons.  Oh my.  How sad.  Susan says she can do it!   M.J. has little faith in her, but she’s going to help him build it even though the derby is in three days.  I’m almost willing to overlook the danger and litigation because I’m about to cry from all the sweetness.

Bree’s out to lunch with her lawyer who is against the death penalty and this surprises Bree because, according to WorldNetDaily, the death penalty is awesome because the Koch brothers say so.  Trip — her unfortunately named lawyer — is talking himself up, telling Bree that he once represented this lady who ran a whorehouse and got her off (hee) with just running a business without a fire door.  Bree hates whores, Trip says they’re not so bad and then adds that he’s anti-gun and has sued the NRA.  Ooooooh, Trip.  Son.  You do NOT bad mouth guns in Bree’s presence, because to her, they are precious.  Even though she held one up to her head and almost splattered some head chunks all over a tacky motel wall, that beyotch loves her some boom sticks.

Over at Gabby’s “job,” she’s helping some woman with a pashmina or something when Everybody Loves Raymond’s mom comes in looking for a personal shopper, but since Gabby is ageist, she slaps a scarf on that biddy and calls it a day.  Until she finds out that Ray’s mom is rich because her husband just died.  Then she’s all over Ray’s mom like Oprah on a baked ham.

Renee is talking to Ben about her wedding ideas and I’m not gonna lie, folks:  I couldn’t give any less of a shit about this plot.  No offense to the lovely Vanessa Williams, but she hopped aboard the DH train just when it was pulling into cancellation station and all I really want to see now is Tom and Lynette getting back together (in THREE g.d. episodes) and how Bree’s trial or whatever plays out.  Renee wants a jazz band for the reception and Ben wants someone to play a didgeridoo (I shockingly spelled that word right the first time, by the way) because that’s the only Australian instruments the writers could think of, since they exist in a universe without the internet and Wikipedia.  Renee is actually totally up for the didgeridoo, which is surprising, because that’s actually a big fat lie that I just told you.  She doesn’t want it.  But she does want sex.  That is, until she finds a subpoena on Ben’s table.  Uh-oh-sies!  He’s a witness for Bree’s trial which is curious to Renee . . . very, very curious . . . Renee tells Ben that she wants the truth.

“All right, all right.  I was an original member of ‘Men at Work.’”

We come from a land down un-duh!  You better run!  You better take cov-uh!  Ben wants to drop the subject, but Renee’s like, Do NOT keep secrets from me because there’s murther afoot and possibly afoul!  Ben says he’ll have to think about things before he tells her and then she skulks off.  Okay, so, um, the mafia/loan shark dudes just killed Mike and then decided to drop the whole vendetta against Ben?  Also, what happened to the dude who shot Mike?  Shouldn’t there be some justice for that?  Shouldn’t the writers want to put a f**king bookend on that bastard of a storyline?  God.

Gabby’s making salad while Ray’s Mom (her name is Doris Hammond, I guess) sits in the living room.  Gabby brought her home to, as Carlos puts it, “exploit her.”  Gee.  I sure hope old lady Doris doesn’t fall in love with Gabby’s kids and try to bribe Gabby and Carlos with money to usurp their relationship with the kids or anything.

“Why, that would be a ridiculous plot!”

What the eff is it with Gabby and Carlos and letting complete strangers into their house?

“Seriously.”

“Seriously.”

“SERIOUSLY.”

During dinner, Gabby compliments Doris on her new shirt and Doris is all, It was so pricey but I guess I’ll have to get used to blowing my money on tacky shirts from your store!  Doris asks Carlos what he does and he explains that he’s a counselor and Doris thinks it’s a worthy job and — ohhhhh shit.  Dammit.  So, the rest of this episode, Gabby and Carlos will be fighting for Doris’s money and then they’ll argue and Gabby or Carlos will do something crazy and Doris will be all, None of you selfish shitheads get any of my money!  And then Carlos and Gabby will learn their lesson and make up.  Sure enough, when Gabby goes to make coffee, Carlos offers to help Doris with her philanthropy.

Lynette’s on her date with Anderson Deux-per (Greg) who is talking about his divorce and how much it sucked (great first date!) and Lynette’s like, We’re going to try to keep the lawyers out of it.  Pretty sure you need at least one divorce attorney, Lynnie, but go for it.  Greg says that Jane’s going to be in Tom’s ear about settlements and alimony and shit.  Wouldn’t it be nice if they could go out again on Saturday?  Lynette can’t because Tom needs to switch weekends with her because he’s going to the Sex Cabin with Jane.  But Greg is all, Maybe something comes up at work and he has to stick around, huh?  Huh?  Huh?  Huh.

Susan is building the soap box derby car but M.J. wants to go check out a dead squirrel that Juanita found, so Susan is left alone to build the car.  Lynette stops by and says that Tom should help out, but Susan’s like, Tom won’t always be around to help.  Ouch, Susan.  Ouchies.  Harshies.  So she’ll do it by herself, giving us an excuse to see her accidentally glue a wheel to her crotch or something.  I don’t know, something Susan-y like that.

Time for Bree’s trial!  I’m surprised she didn’t bake maple bacon scones for the judge.  I’m also surprised that someone let her leave the house in that dress.  Actually, this isn’t the real trial — it’s just logistics for setting up the trial and witnesses and junk.  The pre-trial, I guess.  Speaking of witnesses, the opposing counsel is gonna trot in a lot of Bree’s one-night-stands from her brief but memorable whore phase.

Hazy memories of drunk faked orgasm after drunk faked orgasm flash before Bree’s eyes.

I guess the prosecution wants all those dudes to testify that Bree was so drunk that she didn’t remember the sex, therefore Bree could have had sex with Ramon Sanchez/Alejandro and then killed him or whatever.

“Like I’d have sex with a minority.  Oh.  Better be quiet, Bree.  Better to be a drunken slut than a racist.”

Back and forth between Trip and the other lawyer until Bree gives Trip the oh-shit-I-totally-f**ked-all-those-guys face and Trip pulls her outside where she admits that she was a big fat whore.  She refuses to tell him about all the men she boinked.

Back at Gabby’s store, she’s telling Doris about how many great clothes are in, but Doris can’t buy more clothes.  In fact, she’s returning the ones she bought yesterday, which sucks, because Gabby works on commission.  Oh, big mistake, Doris.  Big.  Huge.  I have to go shopping now.  Doris says that the cost of one scarf could pay for one month of vocational training for a homeless addict.  I don’t know about that.  Let’s bring in an expert.

“It’s true.”

Thanks, Sally Struthers!  Doris tells Gabby about how she wants to do some good things with her money, thanks to Carlos.  And we smash cut to Gabby in Carlos’s office yelling at him for taking away some of her money.  Carlos says that it’s Doris’s decision to use her money how she wants.  Argue argue schmargue blargue and then Carlos does a pretty hilarious and cute (and damn sexy) victory dance, slapping himself in the ass with a file.  Mmmmm, yeah.  Slap that ass, baby.

Susan is done with the soap box derby car!  And it looks kind of amazing, if you ask me.  She even painted flames on the side and added a cart in the back.  It looks kick-ass.  M.J. is not impressed because he’s an ungrateful bastard, but he says that he loves it.  Seriously, what’s his problem?  He tells her that it’s perfect and asks her to get him something to drink while he takes it for a test drive.  And then he pushes it into an oncoming truck!  Dastard!  Susan asks him why he did it.  Turns out he hates the car because the other kids think he’s a weirdo because he doesn’t have a dad.  Wow, those kids work fast — it’s been what, two weeks, maybe?  If he’s the only kid at the father-son derby without a dad (doubt it) he’ll be a weirdo.  I kind of think the other kids called M.J. a weirdo BEFORE Mike died, but whatever, milk it, M.J.  Milk that pity.  Susan wants to help, but M.J. just wants his dad.

Penny’s back from soccer and Tom’s with her; he tells Lynette that he’ll be around this weekend because he has to work thanks to Greg.  Speaking of Greg, Tom wants to know why Lynette went out with him, but she says it’s nothing and Tom shouldn’t worry because it’s not like she’ll “kiss him in the office.”  Ooooh, Tom, busted!

Awwww, I’m gonna miss Tom’s oh-shit-Lynette-knows face.

Well, not really.  Well, maybe just a little.  After Tom leaves, Penny has some news about Tom and Jane — is Lynette interested?  Hells yeah!  Turns out that Jane flipped out when Tom had to work this weekend.  Um, isn’t Jane like a surgeon or something?  How the eff does she get so many weekends off?  Also, Jane was pissed because Tom still hasn’t filed the divorce papers.  Oh, Penny, dish, you gossipy beyotch, dish!

Ben shows up at Renee’s to talk about stuff, like dead bodies and stuff, stuff like that.  He says that he’s totes in love with Renee but he doesn’t want Renee to get dragged into all this stuff.  He tells her that he’s keeping secrets to protect her, which Renee is cool with.  Why?  Because there’s this law in the Eagle State that says wives can’t testify against their husbands (seriously?  Is that a real thing?  Because it sounds like bullshit).  So as soon as they’re married, Renee wants to know all about Ben’s secrets, or else she won’t sex him up American style.

Trip shows up at Bree’s house because she hasn’t been answering her phone due to the whole slut thing.  Trip says that he doesn’t judge people, he defends them, so she needs to come clean, because a bunch of dudes are gonna talk about boning Bree’s bountiful booty and the jury will see Bree’s face, so she can’t look like a Guilty Gertie in the courtroom.  He offers to tell Bree about his sexual secrets first (please be all gay, please be all gay).  He first had sex at age 24 and it wasn’t great and junk and also he has a pretty big prostate and has to pee all the time.  Also, he may have a really big penis?  I don’t know.  Then Bree tells him that she was in a “dark place.”  Yeah — a bar.  Thank you!  And she begins to tell Trip about her fall down the rabbit hole and we fade out to a commercial.

Lynette and Greg are on another “date” and Lynette says that Jane was super pissed.  Greg offers to help Lynette make Jane pissed off some more and Lynette is totally up for that.  Doesn’t Greg have an ulterior motive?  I’m afeared.

Coffee with all the girls (minus Renee).  Bree is telling them about the pre-trial and how all of her he-whores will have to testify.  But Bree is disappointed that Trip has to know about her slut phase.  Gabby says Bree has a crush on Trip and Susan agrees.  So does Lynette.  Bree denies it, but ultimately admits that she may like him a little bit.  Susan says that girls often fall for dudes who are going to save them.  True, but Carrie Bradshaw said it first.

And she did it while smoking and wearing a giant mutant g.d. flower on her dress, so suck on THAT, Susan!

The girls advise Bree to keep a clear head.  And a closed vagina.

Carlos is showing Doris around the workplace, saying that all the money will go to needy people, which works until Carlos opens up his office door.  Turns out that someone added a bunch of tacky yet expensive shit.

Coming this fall to ABC:  Hugh Jackman is Liberace in, “Liberace:  Social Worker!”

Doris is all, If THIS is where my money went, then game over, man, game over!

Susan has a surprise for M.J. in the garage.  Turns out it’s — in order of hotness — Bob, Ben, Tom, and Lee.  They’re gonna be M.J.’s “pit crew.”  Not just for cars and junk, Ben says, but for any other advice or help he needs.

“So, by shifting most of the blame to someone else, you’ll end up with nothing to pay and the other guy ends up shot by the mafia!  It’s a win-wi — ohhhhhh, sorry.”

It turns out that they’re going to build a new car that looks like a Corvette.  Mike loved Corvettes.  And I loved Mike.

Greg is picking up Lynette for dinner at a new restaurant, but first he has some goodness for her:  Turns out that every time Greg told Tom he had to work late, Tom would go to his office and fight with Jane on the phone, which is awesome for Lynette.  But wait!  There’s more!  Let’s throw in a transfer to another town!  In India.  Greg is going to send Tom to Mumbai for a year.  Lynette’s a little taken aback by this.

Carlos comes home to yell at Gabby, because it’s, you know, an episode of this show.  Fight fight fight!  Money money money!  You’re a jerk!  No, you’re a jerk!  You wanted the money because you’re selfish and just because I wanted it!  No, YOU wanted the money because you’re selfish and just because I wanted it!  Oh, it’s okay, Gabby says, we’re both that way.  But Carlos doesn’t want to be like that anymore.  Gabby’s all, Good luck with that, Selfish Head.

Mary Alice, take us home!  She blahs about giving up power and asking for help and maybe keeping secrets is okay and judgment and agendas.  Bree goes to see Trip, who wants to talk about her case over dinner at some great Italian place.  Will Bree stand her ground?  No.  She says she’ll go out with him.

Two weeks and three episodes left, people!

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